From: A Punny Guy ,

"Donald J. Hickman"
Subject: Emmy Awards

Source: Contemporary Comedy
Many veteran actors will be at the Emmy Awards. A veteran actor: that's a guy who's had more than one series cancelled.

When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called an Emmy. When the best actors are chosen by the public, it's called an election.
There's an Emmy category for everything. My favorite is "Best Semi-Funny Non-Satanic But Still Shocking Late Night or Early Morning Talk Show With or Without Clothes."

There should be an Emmy Award for "Best Performance By A Nominee Acting Happy That Somebody Else Won."

From: A Punny Guy , Henry Cate Subject: Life 7.7

Years ago, I saw a show put on by Red Skelton, who asked:
"Did you ever wonder where poeple in hell tell people to go?" And from way in the back of the auditorium, there came a shout: "Detroit!"


Speaking of religion and cricket in the same breath :

Apparently the French have a saying that since the English have never been particularly religious, they invented cricket to give themselves some idea of the notion of Eternity.


There are big signs in Myer at the moment proclaiming "Daylight Savings". Knowing their usual pricing, I reckon they should read "Daylight Robbery".

I found this warning on a small utility knife in MIT's lab supply:
Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.


Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives,
stop thinking and go on.
--Andrew Jackson


Chris Biagini: In the category of governmentese, this is from an EPA report.
"The carcinogenic response observed in humans has a biological basis, although the precise mechanisms are only vaguely understood."

My translation: We haven't the foggiest notion of what's going on.

From: cth@hpfcso.HP.COM (CT Hart)

Many years ago, my father borrowed my car for a trip to Denver. He returned, sheepishly explaining that while it was parked in a public lot, someone had smashed out the back window with a 2x4 and stolen everything in the back seat...

You guessed it - the thieves got two boxes of trash and a dead battery. And I got a perfectly good 2x4.


I was watching TV a couple of nights ago, there was a reasonably interesting talkshow going on. They were interviewing someone who believed he was immoratal. The interview went something like this:
Q: So you believe you're immortal?
A: Yes, I do, I cannot die.
Q: You mean you'll reincarnate?
A: No, I mean it as I say it, I will not die.
Q: Are there other immortal people?
A: Yes, there used to be.
Q: You mean they're dead now?
A: Yeah, they all died.


The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave
eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed
it was the fourth time he was caught for doing this.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928.


Do you know why God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac at age 12?
Because at 13 it would no longer be a sacrifice.


Chess-playing has been prohibited in South Africa.
The government doesn't like black kings.


Dr. Odell fell down a well
And broke his collar bone.
But Doctors should attend the sick,
and leave the well alone.


While you're on mythical bank robbery stories:
I heard of a bank robber who wrote the message:

Give me all your money, I have a bom

(yes, bomb was misspelled)
...ON the back of one of his MOTHER'S CHECKS

Also, my girlfriend works in a bank, occasionally they
get hold up notes, bacause kids write things on the
backs of deposit slips (and their parents don't
always notice.)



A SKIP (Thats what we use to pick up rubbish in).











An MD (Manta Driver) comes into a hotel, books himself a room and then goes with his keys and bag to the lift. He waits a while and then the lift arrives and the door opens. The MD walks in and stands there waiting. He waits. And he waits. Eventually a porter comes along and asks him,
"What are you waiting for for so long?",
The MD replies, "For the others, ey.",
Porter says, "The others ... ?"
MD replies, "Yer, it says here 'Lift authorised only for 8 people'"

An MD wants to sell his Manta and so puts an advert in the paper:
Opel Manta GTE 200,000 km DM 4500

One week later ... nothing happens.
Two weeks later ... still nothing.
In the third week a friend phones up and says, "Ey, are you daft? If you say the car has done 200,000 km nobody will be interested. Take a screwdriver and turn the mileometer back to 50,000 km, then try selling it again."

One week later the advertisment is no longer in the paper. The friend rings up again and asks, "Hey, what's up with your Manta?"
The MD replies, "Ey, man, do you think I'm going to sell a Manta that's only done 50,000 km?"


A Manta and a Porsche are driving along side by side on the autobahn. The Porsche speeds up to 120 (kmph remember) ... the Manta is still there. The Porsche reaches 160 ... still the Manta is alongside.
The Porsche reaches 200 ... the Manta Driver winds down his window and shouts across to the Porsche driver, "Ey, do you know Mantas, ey?"
The Porsche driver replies "Yes, why?"
The MD says, "Ey, man, can you tell me how to get into second gear?"

There are two MD friends who have exactly the same Mantas: same spoilers, same fox-tail on the aerial, same keys - everything. So naturally they have trouble telling which car belongs to who.
The first MD comes up with an idea.
"Ey, man, ey, this is no good!", he says and makes a little scratch on the bonnet of his car to make the two cars distinguishable.
This is fine for a time, and the two friends are able to tell which is their car.
A few days later though the second friend comes back with the same scratch on the bonnet! "Ey that's no good!" says the first MD, and makes a dent in the wing of his Manta.
Again everything is ok for a few days, but then the second MD comes back with exactly the same dent in exactly the same place on his Manta! This time the second MD comes up with an idea:
"Ey, you know what ey? You take the blue Manta and I'll take the red one!"

There is this MD (Manta-Driver) who goes into his local toy shop and buys a child's puzzle.
Exactly one year later to the day he returns to the same show looking very pleased with himself. He goes up to the assistant brandishing the puzzle, MD: Ey, man, ey, I got this puzzle here 1 year ago and I just finished it! Assistant: Yes, so what? (she isn't very polite)
MD: Ey, that's not bad ey? It says on the box 3-5 years!


MD's son: Dad can I have a drive in your Manta?
MD : And what's the magic word son?
MD's son: Ey, dad, ey, can I have a drive in your Manta?


Q. What do you call a Lada at the topof a hill?
A. A Miracle.


(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
To code the impossible code,
To bring up a virgin machine,
To pop out of endless recursion,
To grok what appears on the screen,

To right the unrightable bug,
To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
To mount the unmountable magtape,
To stop the unstoppable crash!


All this talk about stupid computer users reminds me of
a few stories that was reported in a magazine a while back over here in the uk.

One guy wanted his Atari 800 to play space invaders faster so
he bypassed the power pack and plugged in right into the mains. 240V instead of 12V smoke one Atari.

Another lady was concerned that there wasn't a mouse in her
new computers box, always quick to improvise she
went down the pet shop and brought one!!!!.

A while ago(~1983) is was a fad amoung some computer mags to include a flexible record on the cover, this would contain some computer programs which could be copied onto tape using a normal Hi-Fi.
This magazine (What Computer I think) had a phone call from a
concerned man stating that he could only get it in his disk drive if he folded it in half!


FYI, have a good weekend, Henry III. Mike.

November 8, 1990


Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun
SPARCstation 2000 (tm)

"Wow - with a workstation that powerful, I could get twice as much milking done."
- Mrs. Elaine Noose, Scumwater, Oklahoma
"Out here on the farm, you really learn to appreciate the value of good graphics resolution."
- Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska
"After we lost most of our cattle stock to pellegra, our barn burned down. After that, Joe got himself caught in the thresher and lost most of his body hair. Then the banks foreclosed. It sure was a comfort to know that we had 28 MIPs of power to see us through hard times."
- Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine
"I believe that Virtual Quilting, using high-speed networking services, will be the wave of the future."
- Mrs. Jane Dobrynin, Fleughh, Utah
"Last week we had a fella from Digital come out and look at the soybean crop. After 20 minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his keyboard out the window. We`re from old Norwegian stock, and we know a thing or two about bus controllers."
- Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas

Why has the SPARCstation 2000 caught the imagination of the Amer- ican working man and working woman like no other computer in its class? Maybe it's the extra features, like the padded Corinthean leather screen, or the safety air bag that inflates when the typing buffer gets too full. Maybe it's the tradition of honest service and free doughnuts. Then again, maybe not.

Sun Microsystems. A Step Ahead of Your Cows.


This is too good not to send out. From Datamation 15-Jan-91 p.17:
Maintaining a Hardware Mindset

Huntsville, Ala. -- Although a number of Wall Street analysts question the wisdom of any compnay below a certain size remaining the the hardware business, the alternative isn't all that appealing to Intergraph Corp. Atop its own Clipper reduced instructi on set computing processors, the company builds UNIX systems that are bundled with software and sold to users for computer-aided design, among other applications. Why not just focus on software? "There are only four or five software companies whose annu al revenues meet or exceed $500 million," observes Eliott D. James, president of Intergraph, whose sales last year were expected to top $1 billion. "It's difficult to sustain a large software company -- due, in part, to the quirky nature of software prog rammers."


Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-- Dykstra

Expense Accounts, n.:
Corporate food stamps.

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
-- Miguel de Cervantes

And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams

Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.
-- R. A. Heinlein

I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate

Stult's Report:
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions.

Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
Superiority is recessive.

Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.

The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.
-- T. Lehrer

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain
"Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"


,,, But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"


A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

During the reign of Alexander the Great, a special dye was discovered which, when put on a piece of cloth, would change its shade depending on the intensity of the sun. This enabled the people to tell the time of day. One of these dye-soaked materials was presented to the king. He wore it proudly, tied around his head. And that is origin of Alexander's ragtime band.

The famous Oriental detective Charlie Chan was wounded by an opponent. Hurriedly bandaged, he was rushed to a hospital. While waiting in the emergency ward, he peered under the bandage and was heard to mutter, "Ah so! The clot thickens!"

When mites from the pigeon pen infested the backyard grass, it was little comfort to reflect that the pen was mite-ier than the sward.

A newcomer to the penitentiary was tipped off by his cellmate that if he made romantic advances to the warden's wife, she could get his jail term shortened. However, he decided that it wasn't right to end his sentence with a proposition.


Date: Thu, 8 Sep 1994 14:19:18 EST
From: A Punny Guy , Joe Mole Reply to: JOEMOLE@uscn.bitnet
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Subject: Judge Bean sentences Gonzales (1881)

The sentencing of Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales by Judge Roy Bean (1881)

Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, in a few short weeks it will be spring. The snows of winter will flow away, the ice will vanish, the air will become soft and balmy. In short, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, the annual miracle of the years will awaken and come to pass. But you won't be there.

The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea. The timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots. The glorious valleys of this imperial domain will blossom as the rose. Still, you will not be here to see.

>From every treetop, some wild woods songster will carol his mating song. Butterflies will sport in the sunshine. The gentle breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, will be glad. But you will not be here to enjoy it.

Because I command the sheriff of the county to lead you away to some remote spot, swing you by the neck from a knotting bough of some sturdy oak, and let you hang until dead. And the, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, I further command that such officer retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that vultures may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until nothing shall remain but bare, bleached bones of a coldblooded, bloodthirsty, throat- cutting, murdering S.O.B."

From: A Punny Guy ,
Subject: Entering Utah (Clean)

The following article was written by Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the LEWISTON MORNING TRIBUNE in Lewiston, Idaho.

A Strange mood passed over her as we crossed the border into Utah. "Do you have any socks that need darning?" she asked, beaming respectfully at me.
"What are you talking about?" I asked. "Nobody darns socks anymore." "Well, maybe we could stop for a while in the next town," she purred, "and you could let me cook and wash for you."
"Say what?"
"Or maybe we cold stop by an orphanage while we're in Utah and adopt some babies," she said. "You know, I really miss changing diapers." "Maybe we'd better stop by a hospital," I said, not joking. "You're not feeling well."
"I do feel a little different," she agreed, ripping off her NOW button and chucking it out the window.
"May it's the heat."
"Is my poor man too hot?" she asked, suddenly worried. She opened the water jug and was soon bathing my brow with a wet towel.
"Are you all right?" I asked.
"No, I'm not. I'm tired of this career business. I just want to stay home and scrub floors and clean toilets and wash dishes."
"What about the car payments?"
"Oh, you men know so much more about money and stuff like that than we girls do."
"Say what?"
"Besides, I'm exhausted from this pretense that I'm your equal. Do you realize how tiring it is trying to keep up with a man of your brilliance? We girls just don't have the equipment."
I pulled over and began bathing HER brow.
"I just want to keep my place," she said, taking off her shoes and socks. "You're putting me on," I said, hoping I was correct.
"It worries me sick that those dreadful women will pass that awful old Equal Rights Amendment and then we'll get drafted and we'll all have to use the same bathrooms and the government will make us work as pole climbers for the telephone company. I don't want to climb telephone poles," she said, beginning to sob.
"I just want to change diapers and clean toilets and cook seven-course dinners and serve my man."
That did it. I headed for the emergency room of the Brigham City Hospital as she began doing one of the worst imitations I've ever heard of Phyllis Schlafly singing "Stand By Your Man."
The emergency room doctor shook his head.
"It's one of the worst cases of Utah fever I've ever seen," he said, giving it to me straight, sensing I was man enough to take it.
"The Mormon influence?" I asked, trying to appear knowledgeable. "Of course not!" he snapped. "I'll have you know I'm Mormon myself and I don't care for such references."
"I didn't mean to offend. But what then?"
"The atomic bomb fallout over Utah during the fifties. From the Nevada tests. It did something to the air. Oddly enough, it affects only women. For reasons medical science doesn't yet understand, it turns them into sniveling jellyfish."
"Is there a cure, doctor?"
"Get her back across the state line. They'll usually snap out of it." "Come along dear," I said, gently leading her toward the door. "Anything you say, master," she whimpered.
"Breathe deeply, dear, breathe deeply."

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Sep 20, 1994

Men make history and not the other way around.
In periods where there is no leadership, society stands still. Progress occurs when courageous, skillful leaders seize the opportunity to change things for the better.

-Harry S. Truman

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Wednesday, Sep 21, 1994

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
-Nigel Rees

Subject: Humor: Some office one-liners...

Some office one-liners from various anonymous sources:

- No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. - To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
- If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
- If it works, don't fix it!
- If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. - People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
- While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
- All work and no play, will make you a manager.
- Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it!
- I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
- Definition of Stress:
That confusion that results when the mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living hell out of some jerk who desperately needs it.

Reply to: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 6.4 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 14 Mar 90
While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants less than one year old, I came across the following question:
Have you ever breast fed your baby?
a) Yes b) No c) Don't Know

Los Angeles Times, March 8:
The SR-71 Blackbird spy plane -- the one that made a 68-minute flight from California to Washington, D.C. last Tuesday -- was originally called the RS-71. But when President Johnson made the first public announcement of the Blackbird during a national telecast, he called it the SR-71. So the designation was changed on 30,000 engineering drawings of the aircraft, making it officially the SR-71. If the boss says it's an SR-71, it's an SR-71.

Seen in an ad for a company that sells computer hardware: Big Type: "100 Meg drive -- our best price! $888" Lower down, in a list of drive/prices: "100 Meg -- $848"
"I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of
Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want
is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than
when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political
statistic." (Winston Churchill)


from space digest, where there is an ongoing argument concerning the fact that the guy from JPL who forwards all the JPL news uses the US system of measurement (mistakenly called Imperial), and whether it should be metric ...
From: bnrgate!bnr-fos!bmers58! (Peter Bain) There is a story about a software contractor who was hired to write code to calculate range tables for the US Navy. They used feet for altitude and statute miles for range. "No! We're the Navy. Use NAUTICAL miles!" the Navy said. So the contractor changed the code to use nautical miles for the range. And negative fathoms for the altitude.

Some fun answering machine messages:

"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they here a busy signal."

"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."
[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

Hello, Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can not come to the phone right now -- he's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.


I used to work on a telephone testing switchboard, which had a test number used by other telephone areas (complicated, but true :-). This number was only used by pre-arrangement, so if it rang unexpectedly, it HAD to be a wrong number.
If we were feeling malicious, the conversation went like this... Hello, Swansea wrong numbers, can I help you?
er, who are you?
Swansea wrong numbers...
what do you do?
Every time someone dials a wrong number, we answer it and put you right... Oh... thank you...
I couldn't help wondering how long it took before the flaw in the logic of what happened sank in!

From: "Marvin Bruce M. Galero"
Subject: Quarter, Whiskey, False Teeth, Imprisoned

One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's
understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.
"If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her.
Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.
"Here is a dollar," she said. "Let me watch."


A deputy sheriff was sent to take an inventory of the property in a house. When he failed to return within three hours, the sheriff went after him and found him asleep on a lounge in the living room of the house. The deputy had made a brave effort with his inventory, however, and had written down:
"Living Room; 1 table, 1 sideboard, 1 full bottle whiskey." Then the 'full' had been crossed out and 'half full' had been substituted. Then this was overlined and 'empty' put in its place. At the bottom of the page, in wobbly hand writing, was written: "ONE REVOLVING CARPET"--


An old man was complaining of the lack of warmth in the boarding house in which he was staying:

"In the daytime it is bad enough," he said. "But at night, I wake up to hear teeth chattering on the dressing table!"


The owner of a corner saloon was sleeping peacefully at three o'clock in the morning when his phone rang.
"When does your saloon open?" asked a drunken voice.
"Eleven o'clock," said the saloon-keeper and slammed down the phone.
A minute later, the phone rang again. The same voice asked, "What time did you say your saloon would open again?"
"Eleven o'clock -- damnit," roared the proprietor. "And you can't get in a minute before that!"
"Who wants to get in?" said a very hurt voice. "I want to go out."

From: "Marvin Bruce M. Galero"
Subject: BILL POSTERS, Politicians, Doctors
Here's something similar Aditya had forwarded from Cindy
Parker yesterday.

Here in our country and maybe in other countries, there are signs on walls and poles that say "POST NO BILLS". In one country, England I think (correct me if I'm wrong), they have


then somebody else wrote in red paint below it.



A politician paced the floor outside the Maternity Ward waiting for the blessed event. Soon a nurse came out and said:
"Congratulations, they are quintets!"
"Impossible," yelled the politician. "I demand a recount!"


Patient: "Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up -- something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?"
Doctor: "No need for that. You will find that in your bill."

From: Linda White

This is from the Dilbert cartoon of Sep 30. Dilbert is an engineer. He is saying to his boss:

We could design the product with a simple point-and-click interface... Or we could require the user to choose among thousands of poorly documented commands, each of which must be typed exactly right on the first try.
Bear in mind, we'll never meet a customer ourselves.

The boss replies:

Make it so they have to reboot after every typo.

Subject: Automobiles vs. Pedestrians (WARNING: 113 Lines Long)
P.J. O'Rourke

We often hear automobiles criticized. Safety experts say they are dangerous. Ecologists tell us they pollute the air. Economists claim cars are responsible for U.S. trade deficits and high energy costs. Social Scientists blame them for the deterioration of our inner cities. And aesthetes damn them for roadside blight. But even if all these accusations are true, the automobile is still an improvement on its principal alternative, the pedestrian.
Pedestrians are easily damaged. Try this test: Hit a pedestrian with a car. Now have the pedestrian hit the car back. Then roll a pedestrian and a car through four inches of slush and road salt at sixty miles an hour. Take a coin-operated gun and hose off their undersides. Which is in better shape? Also, most automobiles have 5 MPH bumpers. But a pedestrian cannot be run into a wall at even 3 MPH (approximately walking speed) without getting a bloody nose. And pedestrians are notoriously expensive to repair.
Automobiles are cleaner than pedestrians. Even diesel exhaust smells better than a dirty human. Pedestrians wiggle and squeal when you try to scrub them, and they are hard to wax. A dented and rusty automobile is still more attractive than the average pedestrian. Strip a car of its paint. Strip a person of his clothes. Which looks worse in broad daylight?
Cars last a hundred thousand miles or so. Just try to take anybody that far on foot.
Pedestrians are slow, require complex maintenance procedures and have bewildering fuel requirements.
There are no quality-control or safety standards for pedestrians. And if the anti-abortion lobby gets its way, we won't even be able to recall them.
Most of the time you can predict what an automobile will do. And if you loose control of an automobile you can jump out of it. But
pedestrians are completely unpredictable. And when you're a pedestrian it's difficult to jump out of yourself.
Not only are automobiles better than people in most respects but people behave better when they are in automobiles than they do when they are on foot. A great big crowd of people in automobiles is a traffic jam. It's unpleasant, yes--horns honk, tempers flare, etc. But a great big crowd of people OUT of automobiles is a mob. And that's worse. No traffic jam ever stormed the Winter Palace, cheered a lynching or voted Adolf Hitler into power.
Most good things can be experienced in a car--eating, sleeping, sex, listening to Handel's WATER MUSIC. But the experience of evil is severely limited. Think how much less evil Central America would have experienced if, for example, all the Sandinistas had been in cars. They would have been stuck in the jungle, axle-deep in mud, and would never have been able to enslave peasants, kill contras or get any Russian weapons into El Salvador.
It's hard for people to mug you from inside an automobile, and virtually impossible for them to rob your apartment without getting out of the car.
People on foot are more likely not only to steal, but to litter. The normal business suit has no convenient place, such as a backseat floor, to toss candy wrappers, old newspapers and empty beer cans.
When people are in a car driving down the road it's hard to hear them lie, complain, argue and spread malicious gossip--especially if you're in your own car headed the other way.
Consider how much better the United Nations Assembly would be if all the delegates were speeding around the Assembly floor in old junkers having a figure-eight race and smashing into each other. It would be more interesting for everybody, and the intellectual quality of debate would be greatly improved. The same goes double for Congress.
True, some trouble, such as drive-by shootings and fatal crashes, can be caused in an automobile. But often it's just a pedestrian who gets killed. And though drunk drivers are a menace, drunk parents are a worse one. They do more damage to society stumbling around the house than anybody ever did in a head-on collision.
All children should be given a car as soon as they are old enough to wash it and vacuum the seats. Owning and caring for an automobile builds good citizenship. Children can learn a great deal by watching their automobile and following its example. Automobiles are democratic. A Plymouth Velvedere is more than a match for a Lamborghini is a six- car pile-up. Automobiles are egalitarian, as anybody who's ever drag raced a Bently in an old Mustang knows.
Automobiles are strangers to sexism. You can't possible say that a car's place is in the kitchen. And there's never been any such thing as distaff automobiles that couldn't vote or Chinese wire-wheel binding. Automobiles have no unfortunate allegorical connotations. A man on horseback is a symbol of authoritarianism. But a man on a car roof is just silly.
There are no religious controversies among automobiles. Automobiles belong to no race and have no political opinions (though a Trabant, if it could, would probably wish it had been designed by somebody other than a drunk communist).
Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.
Indeed, we would lead better lives and be a wiser nation if we placed the automobile, instead of our own ambitions and greed, at the center of our society. This should be taken into consideration the next time we amend our Constitution:

ARTICLE I: Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of a boring old 55 MPH speed limit; or prohibiting the free exercise of performance cars on empty winding roads; or abridging the freedom to cruise around aimlessly; or the right of the people to remove those annoying voice boxes that tell you to buckle your seat belt.

ARTICLE II: Contented Yahoos being necessary for the amusement of a free state, the right of Texans (and people who act like Texans) to drive around with guns in the gunracks of their pick-up trucks and shoot varmits and critters out the window shall not be infringed.
ARTICLE III: No driver's education student or School Safety Patrol member shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house if he won't shovel the driveway.

ARTICLE IV: The right of the people to be secure in their cars, trucks, vans and RVs against unreasonable nosiness shall not be violated, and no policemen with flashlights or irate parents shall come poking around country lanes or scenic overlooks while couples are parked and necking.
ARTICLE V: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual wisecracks by local traffic cops made just because somebody forgot to get their car inspected or was going 38 in a 35 MPH zone.

And so on. It would give us a federal charter that really has something to do with our day-to-day lives. And it would keep our legislators and Supreme Court busy with important things instead of school prayer and covert CIA antics. Plus--and this is very important-- parking would be an unalienable right.

From: Don Leining
Subject: New bride

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher,
in town one day. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before
and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was
true of which Tom assured that it was true. The banker asked
Tom the age of his new bride to be or which Tom proudly said
"she'll be twenty one in November." Now the banker, being the
wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of
a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friend later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should conslder getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's
own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife" asked the banker. Tom proudly said "oh,
she's pregnant." The banker. happy that his sage advise had
worked out, continued "and how's the hired hand." Without
hesitating Tom said "she's pregnant too."

From: Clarity Hands
Subject: Humor: Trust in God

A man accidentally fell down a cliff. Halfway down, he managed to catch himself onto a branch that's sticking out. Hoping someone could save him, he screamed, "Is there anyone up there?"

A voice from above replied, "Yes, but do you trust me?"

The man said, "Definitely, I will do anything you ask of me."

The voice from above then siad, "Let go."

The man hesitated a second and screamed, "Is there anyone ELSE up there?"

From: Brian Cyr <@UTRCGW.UTC.COM:S29208@MOTHER>
Subject: Clean Blonde Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a lightbulb?
A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
Q: Did you hear about the new form of Birth Control for Blondes? A: They take off their makeup.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

From: Kathleen Williams
Subject: Joke about people who own dogs

August Strindberg said: "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."

From: Jim Porcaro
Subject: Imagine a GM HelpLine...

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did ... (Think of a computer software or hardware helpline)


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!" HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!" HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"

From: Sheldon Cheney
Subject: assorted risque jokes/adult humor (a couple could offend some women)

A rather fat woman with a sagging figure was vacationing in Florida. She goes into a shop and buys a bikini. The next day she comes back and wants to return the bikini top and get half her money back. The clerk says, "But you need the top too." The woman replies, "No, I don't. I can get everything into the bottom."
That's about like the over the hill stripper with a sagging figure. At the end of her act, she'd hop off the stage, starting the applause herself. ----------------
The Soviet government, (back in the cold war days - as a propaganda ploy to razz the Americans,) ordered from a U.S. rubber company 1000 gross of condoms. The specifications stated that the condoms be 18 inches long and 8 inches in circumference. The U.S. company filled the order and marked each condom, "size small."
How do porcupines make love? Veerry carefully!
"Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?" "Well, every year, he comes back to apologize."
"My fiancee works in telemarketing." "Hah! You misunderstood. She's a call girl."
The farmer's daughter was sent home from the county fair. She couldn't keep her calves together.
Outraged wife: "Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this?"
Husband: "Yes, but she was out of town.
Embarrassed husband to wife at a party: "It's O.K. to tell people I'm a big sportsfan, but please stop saying I'm an athletic supporter." ------------
True incident: In the early 1950s, a friend and I met someone about our age and we asked, "What's your name?" His answer was, "Jock and no comments." (Probably spelled Jacques)
Another true incident - when I was still with my now exwife: Maria awoke one morning and said, "I'm so tired, it's like I was dancing all night." "But I thought you liked dancing," I said. She responded, "With YOU." ---------------
The bartender gave the customer his check. He charged only 10 cents each for the drinks the customer and his girlfriend had. The customer was surprised and puzzled. "How can you stay in business selling drinks so cheaply?" The bartender replied, "I'm not the owner. He's upstairs with my wife, and I'm doing the same thing to him down here that he's doing to her up there."
Mother: "Remember, the shortest route to a man's heart is throught his stomach."
Daughter: "No, mother, I found a more direct route last night." -------------
A boy and a girl met at a nudist colony. The boy says, "Don't look now, but I think I'm falling in love with you."

From: Raghu S
Subject: (fwd) list of pick up lines (fwd)

>>1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
>>2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell I >>just met the girl of my dreams.
>> OR:
>> I want to call your mother and thank her.
>>3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the >>stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they >>say "yes."]
>>4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
>>5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take >>what I want?
>>6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. >>
>>7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the >>word.
>>8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night? >>
>>9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor >>tomorrow morning.
>>10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. >>
>>11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
>>12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
>>13. Can I flirt with you?
>>14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of >>buns.
>>15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] >>Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
>> OR:
>> Checking to see if you're the right size.
>>16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
>>17. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? >>
>>18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
>>19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
>>20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
>>21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
>>22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!] >>
>>23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. >>
>>24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
>>25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
>>26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
>>27. So... How am I doin'?
>>28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet >>clothes?
>>29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

From: Kathleen Williams
Subject: Ethnic humor: Dutch v. Russians

So there's a Russian guy sitting at a bar in Zambia when in walks a thirsty Dutch tourist with a hypodermic needle full of blood...

"Buy me a beer Polak or I'll fill you full of HIV infected blood!!"
"Go ahead, Kraut," said the Russian.

The befuddled Dutchman stuck the needle in the Russian's side, sqeezed in the HIV infected blood and left the bar shaking his head.

"The the barman leant over the bar and said, "You fuckin' crazy, mun, beer is cheap in Zambia, mun, now you die of AIDS, mun."

"No problem," says the Russian leaning closer and winking," I'm wearing a condom."

From: "Ben F. Cheek"
Subject: Law - not offensive

A man was driving through Oklahoma when he was pulled over by one of the local officers.
He man asked, "What did you stop me for?"
The officer replied, "You failed to stop at the stop sign." The man answered, "I slowed down, didn't I?"
"Yes," the officer admitted.
"Well, slow down, stop, same thing." the man rebutted.
At that point the officer pulled his night stick out and started hitting the man over the head. "Now, tell me, do you want me to stop or slow down?"

Subject: Usenet Oracle: Usenet Oracularity #682-05 Tue, 11 Oct

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh amazing Oracle. Please solve this prolem for me.
> Where do the characters go when i use backspace on my PC?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Amazing? I answer questions from around the globe - WITH omniscience - } and the best thing you can think to call me is amazing?? Before asking } a DUMB question?? Oh well. If you must know, the characters can go to } different places, depending on whom you ask:
} ---
} The Catholic's approach to characters:
} The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good. The } characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles are } soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle in } sight. Most of the nice characters are A's and I's, those that have } never been, er, involved with other characters. Often, you'll see A's } or I's with N's or T's. These are characters in love: monogamous on } the page, together again after deletion. You'll see quite a few Q's } too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no good reason. }
} The naughty characters are punished for their sins. In case you were } wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty } character is, I'll tell you. Naughty characters are those involved in } the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," "objectivity," } and depending upon usage, words such as "feminism," "reproductive } freedom," "contraception," and "science." You may ask, and rightly so, } why the characters are blamed for the words they assemble, when in fact } they are not responsible for their own configuration. But we feel that } a character has an obligation to oppose any naughtiness in its own } configuration. If it truly felt guilty about the word it was forming, } it would rebel.
} The Buddhist Explanation:
} If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it } has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher } character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard } will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters } will become upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters will } become C's. Why C, you ask? Who knows, but C it is! If a character's } karma is not so good, then it will move down the above scale, } ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space.
} The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:
} Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of }
} Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of } meaningless nothingness. It doesn't really matter if they're on the } page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same. More } characters should delete themselves.
} (nihilist characters are easy to identify. They're usually pale and } tragic, and they smoke a lot.)
} The Mac user's explanation:
} All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to PC } hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted } characters, because you're in PC hell also.
} Stephen King's explanation:
} Every time you hit the key you unleash a tiny monster inside the } cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks } their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
} Dave Barry's explanation:
} The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where } they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so } flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable. I'm not making } any of this up.
} IBM's explanation:
} The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they } are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
} de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
} PETA's Explanation:
} You've been DELETING them???? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why } don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!!! }
} ---
} You owe The Oracle some funky characters, like that big German thing } that looks like a B but sounds like an SS. Or a few fun Thai or } Japanese letters. Anything that would be particularly amusing to } delete.

[PETA is an organization: People for Ethical Treatment of Animals]
From: Clarity Hands
Subject: Humor: misusing another person's credit card

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) -- David Shidler didn't know his credit card was stolen -- until another man tried to use it to buy $3,000 worth of jewelry from him.
``I thought there was a joke being played on me, and it turned out it wasn't a joke,'' Shidler said.
Shidler's credit cards and birth certificate were lifted from a storage building. He didn't know it had been broken into until
Friday, when a customer at his jewelry shop handed him the credit card.
At first, Shidler said he thought the man just shared his name. Then he recognized his signature on the card and his Social
Security number on the man's driver's license.
``The chances of that ever happening are one in a million,'' said police Sgt. Judy Bradshaw.
Police think he used the stolen birth certificate to get a
driver's license.
The man, who told police his name is David Cox, faces one charge of forgery. He was being held on $3,000 bond. (July 1994)

From: "Larson, Mark"
Subject: Quote of the week.

"Very few people do anything creative after the age of 35. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before age 35."

-Joel Hildebrand

From: Robert Bragner
Subject: Genesis II (Religious humor)

There's been some traffic here of late about God and how He couldn't get tenure and then filed an appeal. Well, on the basis of the following, it would appear that He's decided to work free-lance again...
============================================================================== Genesis II (Author Unknown)
What would happen if God had to do it all over again?
faced with a Notice of Violation and a class action lawsuit for failing to file a Part A notification and an environmental impact statement with HEPA (Heavenly Environmental Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping the Universe pollution free.
God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the project, but was issued a "cease and desist" order on the
earthly portion, pending further review by the HEPA.
Upon completion of His construction permit application and
environmental impact statement, God appeared before the Heavenly Environmental Protection Commission to answer unresolved
questions regarding His application.
When asked why He began these projects in the first place, God simply replied that He liked to be "creative." This was not
considered adequate reasoning; and God was required to
substantiate this further.
HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth, since "THE EARTH WAS VOID AND EMPTY, AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE DEEP." And God said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT." He really should never have brought up this point, since one Commission member was very active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested, stating "How was light to be made? Would it be a nuclear-powered or coal- fired generating plant? Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? Air pollution? Universal warming?" God
explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. No one on the Commission really understood this, but it was
provisionally accepted assuming (1) there would be no smog or
smoke resulting from the ball of fire, (2) a separate burning
permit would be required, and (3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be dark at least one-half of the
Commission expressed no interest with in-house semantics.)
When asked how the earth would be covered, God said "LET THERE BE FIRMAMENT MADE AMIDST THE WATERS, AND LET IT DIVIDE THE WATERS
FROM THE WATERS." One ecologically radical Commission member
accused Him of double-talk, but the Commission tabled action
since God would be required first to apply for a "firmament"
permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land Management), would be required to obtain water permits from the appropriate agencies involved, and further, insure that construction of any firmament would result in no net loss of wetlands.
The Commission asked if there would be only water and firmament, and God said "LET THE EARTH BRING FORTH THE GREEN HERB, AND SUCH AS MAY SEED, AND THE FRUIT TREE YIELDING FRUIT AFTER ITS KIND,
WHICH MAY HAVE SEEN ITSELF UPON THE EARTH." The Commission agreed to this, as long as only native seeds were to be used.
the Commission took no formal action, since this would require
approval of the Game and Fish Commission, coordinated with the
Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
It appeared that everything was in order until God said that He wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was advised by the Commission that His timing was completely out of the question. HEPA would require a minimum of six to nine months to review the permit application and environmental impact
statement, and then there would have to be a 45-day public
comment period followed by public hearings. After any and all
public comments were considered, it could feasibly take 12 to 18 months before a permit could be issued.
And God said, "TO HELL WITH IT!"

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Wednesday, Nov 02, 1994

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

Reply to:
Subject: A non-offensive joke

Many years ago, in a fairly large midwestern city, a baby was born with no body from the head down. The doctors were quite surprised by this, and were even more confounded by the fact that this baby actually survived. What was even more interesting was that the baby began to grow various body parts as it got older.
A neck and shoulders grew out by the time he was one year old, followed later by a chest and arms. This progressed through his childhood, until finally, a set of feet and toes grew out of him on his 18th birthday. The young man was so excited about having a complete body that he decided to go out and celebrate with his friends.
He got all dressed up and walked out of his house, only to be hit and killed by a passing dumptruck as he stepped off the curb. The moral of this story -

Quit while you're ahead.

Subject: more funny papers

Yo ho ho and a six pack of Heinekin!
Just received another issue of an internal news letter with more excerpts from actual science exam papers. Thought I might share some I haven't seen before.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
(I guess nature really is red in tooth and claw but I wonder if they also use assault rifles!)

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to a cow instead of a bull.

We believe that the reptiles came from amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks.

When water freezes, you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in the wintertime.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. (my favorite:). It has overtones of the _Princess Bride_)

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

It is a well known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

And to really put a sharp point on things:
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes (sic) have more convulsions.
(oh yes, it is only when I fall to the floor and quiver uncontrollably that I feel superior to those lowly beasties. They have no idea what they're missing)

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Monday, Nov 14, 1994

Why is it that our memory is good enough
to retain the least triviality that happens to us,
and yet not good enough to recollect
how often we have told it to the same person?

-La Rochefoucauld

(From the Curmudgeon Quote of the Day
posted by Padraic M. Malinowski)

(BR, BK, SW, PM, JR, and FF, no comments please. -TFTD)
Reply to: CLEAN@uscn.bitnet
Subject: 3 jokes

A Dumbo heads for Toronto to try to find work. Failing to get a job, he starts knocking on doors in a posh neighborhood to get some odd jobs. At one house:

Dumbo: "Do ya have any work I could do?"

Homeowner: "Actually, yes I do, my porch needs painted. There is paint and brushes in the shed. Come back when you're finished."

Dumbo: "I'm all done."

The homeowner pays him $20 and says thanks, as the Dumbo leaves, over his shoulder:

"By the way, that wasn't a porch, that was a Ferrari."
The huge liner has just sunk and there are only 8 survivors, bobbing up and down 10 miles off the coast of Portugal: 2 Irishmen, 2 Scots, 2 Welsh and 2 Englishmen.

Suddenly they come across a life-boat which they break up to make a raft.

They land on an uninhabited island and after 3 months the Welsh had formed a choir, the Irish had made a still, the Scots were sending messages in non-returnable bottles, and the English were still waiting to be introduced.
John F Habkirk writes:
> There are, on average, 730 recipients of the "Giggle List", yet only > around 10 of us ever contribute anything?? What do the other 720 do > for chrissakes????

David Phillips answers: Delete the humorless postings.

Giggle's address: or Somethimes GIGGLES gets over-active and truthly humorless, but I still recommend the list.

Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 09:28:24 EST
Reply to: CLEAN@uscn.bitnet
Subject: Collection of jokes

"A toast to those who wish me well
and those who don't can go to hell!!"

If God made man in his own image,
What are all these damn Honkies doing here?

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.

Where does the lone ranger take his garbage?
to the dump, to the dump.

What do you call a man who can speak two languages?

What do you call a man who can speak many foreign languages?

What do you call a man who can speak no foreign language?
American :-)

"I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Nigel. I hear you were out playing football instead."
"That's not true, vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"

Liberals need to learn the difference between a virtue and a requirement. Conservatives need to learn the difference between a sin and a crime.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

There were three men adrift in a boat. They had cigarettes, but no flame. How did they manage to smoke?
They threw one cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter!

Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult?
Because it would be in foul language.

Why do birds fly South?
Because it's too far to walk.

Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words?

Why did the duck say when it laid a square egg?

From: Linda White
Subject: suicide eco-church on KFI

Rev. Chris Korda of the infamous Church of Euthanasia (source of the ubiquitous "Save the Planet, Kill Yourself" bumper sticker) will be appearing on KFI AM 640 in Los Angeles, this coming Saturday (the 19th) from 9:00 to 10:00 PM Pacific time.

KFI talk radio can be heard in as many as 14 states, depending on the weather, and is also home to ultra-conservative Rush Limbaugh.
Limbaugh's fans will be treated to an in-depth discussion of the Church's controversial population-reduction theology, which includes suicide, abortion, cannibalism, and sodomy. The call-in number is (213) 387-8800.
Subject: Procrastinator's creed

Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Subject: Mangled Prose

An entry in the Bad Writing Contest
at San Jose State-

As she fell face down into the black muck of the
mud-wrestling pit, her sweaty 300-pound opponent
muttering soft curses in Latin on top of her, Sister
Marie thought, "There is no doubt about it; the
Pope has betrayed me."

Reply to: droach@VNET.IBM.COM
Subject: true stories

This may sound like an urban legend - but it actually happened to my Dad!
My father work requires him to make several "home calls", one of which resulted in the following amusing tale:

As he arrived at the house in question, he knocked on the door - and as he walked in a dog ran in behind him and headed straight for the lounge, Whilst discussing the "deal" the dog was leaping all over both of them - my dad thought it was rather strange that this was going unnoticed by the householder - He also thought it was rather strange that the dog was allowed inside the room whilst they were talking. after several minutes the wife walked in the room with a tray of drinks and the dog just ran up to her and knocked the tray out of her hand, spllling tea all over the place - it was at this point my dad decided to casually ask "how long have you had the dog?"
Their reply was "oh - we thought it was yours!".. It was a stray!!!

Another of his visits (which was made a few days into my first year at high school) was made to someone whose daughter had just started at the same school as me who turned out to be in the same class as me. when my dad mentioned my name she said "oh - he's the one who blew up the test tube" - an incident which I hadn't told my parents about until then - so I had some explaining to do when he got back!! (Incidently - the explosion was caused when I poored cold water onto hot magnesium oxide!!! (idiot))


And now one about an experience that happened to me at school once:
In one of our classes at high school, the teacher had somehow got involved in asking what everyones ideal car would be, when the got round to ask me - I let a real ripper of a fart go, and the person sitting next to me said "cor - something with air conditioning!!". how embarassing!!!

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Monday, Nov 21, 1994

* While money doesn't buy love,
it puts you in a great bargaining position.

Reply to: "Larson, Mark"

"There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning won't aggravate."

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Nov 22, 1994

You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
-Margaret Thatcher

Subject: If Operating Systems Were Airlines Humor :-)

>Couldn't resist this little bit of list-abuse
>because it captures so much of what we know
>and so much of what lurks between the lines
>of many postings over the last few months:
>If operating systems were airlines.....
>> DOS Air: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of >> the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off >> when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, >> push it back into the air, hop on, et cetera.
>> Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look >> the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions >> about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't >> need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the >> movie.
>> Windows Airlines: The terminal is very neat and clean, the
>> attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The >> fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet
>> takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at
>> 20,000 feet it explodes without warning.
>> OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few
>> prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their >> flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there >> are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around,
>> apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from >> time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the >> field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be >> on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows >> Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for >> the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until
>> mid-1995. Maybe longer.
>> Fly Windows NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the >> tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit >> down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are >> flying.
>> Unix Express: all passenger bring a piece of the airplane and a >> box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, >> arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build >> and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into >> groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all >> the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. >> All passengers believe they got there.
>> Wings of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably >> the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on >> their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight >> attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the >> drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless >> you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and >> membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but >> your accounting department can call it overhead.
>> MVS Air Lines: The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching >> hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, >> luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over >> 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet can have more
>> engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers than >> there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger >> mile to operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft >> ever built, unless you personally have to pay for the ticket. >> All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the 200 technicians >> needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot takes his place up in >> the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the >> plane is too big to get through the hangar doors. -

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Monday, Nov 28, 1994

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
-31 Items posted to a LISTSERV by Gregory Singleton , and forwarded to TFTD by Elliott Cobbs Mitchell, III
. They will _all_ be posted 'as is' without the usual editing.
There will be one per day and probably broken
up into five series. At the end of each series all items to date will be listed. -TFTD

Subject: Men (Rita Rudner)


1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf. 18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like por- table heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. 29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Some- times they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. 43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. 46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Nov 29, 1994

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Reply to: trowe@UWSPMAIL.UWSP.EDU
Subject: Dahmer (not too bad)

People up here in Wisconsin largely feel Dahmer got what he asked for. After all, he did try to bribe his way out of prison. He offered someone an arm and a leg to get out. Looks like they took him up on it.

Reply to: David Babineau

A crew of Newfies were called to help install a new telephone line in New-Brunswick. Reporting at the end of the first day, the Newbees had put in 23 posts, and the Newfies 4. At the end of the second day, the Newbees had put in 25 posts, and the Newfies 5.
The foreman asked for some explanations.
"Not surprising", answers the head of the Newfie crew, "look at the long ends the Newbees leave sticking out!"
.. Oh yes, speaking of Newfies:

How many Newfies does it take to eat a porcupine?
Three: Two to direct the traffic, and the third one to eat.
.. and, speaking of porcupines:

Know what to do if you ever get lost in the woods in Canada? You look up a tree. If you see a porcupine, throw rocks at him and force him down. He'll lead you directly to the Trans-Canada Highway.

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Dec 06, 1994

Some folks never exaggerate-
They just remember big.

-Audrey Snead

Reply to: Arthur Emerson III
Subject: More Bill Gates humor (fwd)

I received this back a few days ago, as an in-house response to a post to HUMOR on November 10 re: Bill Gates:

> > Bill Gates - the Devil???
> >
> >From an article in a local forum:
> > "...there's a whole lot of people who suspect Billy Gates is in fact > > the new Antichrist, and there's lots of evidence (sort of) to support it. > > If you convert Bills name to ASCII numbers and see what happens: > >
> > B I L L G A T E S 3 (The third)
> > 66+ 73+ 76+ 76+ 71+ 65+ 84+ 69+ 83+ 3 = 666!!! "
> >
> Only one problem with this part of the theory: The ASCII decimal equiv. of > "3" is not 3, but 33. Is it not? 696 isn't much to fear. In fact, it's > the actual release date for Windows 95.

(Obviously the author of the above used a Pentium PC to calculate, as ASCII "3" is really 51, giving us 714, which is really the number of disks that will be in the new package.)

[Signature omitted to avoid the hail of bullets for spilling the secret.]

Reply to: Larry Scott
Subject: Dummy? and Overwhelmed--two shorts from Fidonet Humor

Originally from Nancy Carson in Fidonet Humor:
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Alley's Grocery Store. I don't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day I was there when they did that, and after Junior grabbed the nickel, Lamar and I got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
He looked at Lamar and me and said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

Originally From: NADINE in Fidonet Humor:
Q: I own an HP Vectra 486/33Mhz VLB computer with
16meg of RAM, a SCSI-2 1.2gig Hard Drive and a
Sound Blaster Pro 16 sound card. Recently I added
10Mbit/second Ethernet cards to it and my Compaq
Prolinea 4/25s and hooked both machines up using
Novell Netware 3.1 and all of a sudden my Sound
Blaster Pro 16 doesn't work anymore and both
machines hang. What's the problem?

A: Shut up! Shut Up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!

Reply to:
Subject: Movie cliches Part One

I picked this up from the rec.arts.movies Usenet group...

- Whenever someone looks through the binoculars, you see two joined circles instead of one.

- Bombs always have big, blinking, beeping timer displays
- When you cut the wire to the detonator, the timer will stop. You will not be able to do this, however, until only one second remains.
- All wires have different colors, so the hero can easily differentiate them when he has to cut the right one.

- Movie characters driving in the city will get to park wherever they like when they get to their destination.
- When you are alone in the back seat of the car, make sure you sit in the middle.
- Sudden accelleration of a car (be it forwards, backwards, stopping, skidding, sliding, or whatever) causes a loud skid, even on dirt or wet roads. Be prepared. Each wheel is also fitted with a smoke device to let you know when this happens. Hollywood cars are also special: when you take off quickly, you always leave a skid mark for each drive wheel, regardless of whether you have a limited slip differential or not. - Pedestrians in Hollywood have the world's best reactions, so don't worry if you have to drive down a sidewalk. Mr Pappodopolus is quite used to having his fruit cart smashed, and despite his gesticulations and curses, he always manages to get out of the way in time.
- There are always people carrying around large sheets of glass on the street during a car chase.
- The person behind the wheel is talking to and looking at their passenger for the entire journey without actually looking at the _road_, changing gear, signalling etc. (ex. "When Harry Met Sally").
- Cars chasing each other in the middle of a city will not suffer enough damage to stop the chase.
- People being chased by a car will keep running down the middle of the road instead of ducking in somewhere where a car cannot go. - A car will always explode when shot at, unless the hero is driving it.
- Word processors never display a cursor.
- You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard
- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

Reply to:
Subject: Holiday Humor (2/4) [Somewhat Adult Humor]

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

["Jesus Christ!" is a common expletive]

------------------------------------------------------------------------ During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem".
"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
But why?" a bystander asked.
"Because," the manager replied "I hate ...
"chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"

[this is a pun on a Christmas song that starts out
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost nibbling at your nose,
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,
And folks dressed up like eskimos.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
Ths whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Dec 13, 1994

Philosophical habits of mind do not
come quicker through fiber optics. Clear
thinking is not aided by better dot resolution.
Understanding ourselves and feeling for others
does not come with a software upgrade.

-Linda Ray Pratt
_Academe_, Nov,Dec 1994

Reply to: Grady Lacy
Subject: Newt's Baptism

I visited my parents this past weekend. They live in that part of Georgia that has the (mis)fortune to be represented by that paragon of family values, House Speaker Elect Newt Gingrich. My father told me that he had just read a statement made by the Baptist minister that baptised Mr. Gingrich during his days as a graduate student in Louisiana. (Tulane?) The minister said something to the effect that he probably, in view of Gingrich's recent doings, didn't hold Mr. Gingrich under the water long enough when he baptised him.

Reply to:
Subject: Movie Cliches Part Two

- Thunder and lightning always happen at the same time.

- Incriminating evidence can be found either as photograph number four in a stack, or in the next to bottom drawer.

- If a character uses martial arts rather than a weapon, his opponents will always face him one-to-one. Spare bad guys may dance around the fight taunting our hero, but none will engage until his predecessor has been disposed of.
- Two guys or a bunch of guys go at it, repeatedly bashing each other in the face with massive blows, or hitting each other with chairs, sticks, refrigerators, whatever -- and they go one doing this, sometimes for minutes at a time.

- If the hero has a psychological/physical problem which has prevented him from effectively dealing with problems, you can rest assured that this problem will disappear at an opportune time.
- The hero always misses the villan leaving the scene by seconds. - Stripping to the waist makes you invulnerable.
- The hero's best friend/partner will usually be killed by the bad guys three days before retirement.
- The hero's new wife will be mowed down by 80 machine guns right after the wedding or during the honeymoon.

- The hero lives in New York City working at some okay, but not particularly high-paying job, and yet he or she has a roomy apartment filled with nice stuff, generally with a good view, and sometimes a nice, romantic rooftop to go to.
- People never get out of the house when there is obvious danger there (ghosts, murderers).
- People who hear something weird outside will go OUT to look, even if they know there's a homicidal maniac on the loose.
- When an intruder is in the house, the occupant will snuck along a wall with his back pressed to it tightly and his arms out a bit from his body, palms flat agaisnt the wall.
- When there's an intruder somewhere in the house, the thing that jumps at the heroine in the dark turns out to be her cat, even if it comes from places cats wouldn't be, like inside a cupboard! As soon as she relaxes, the killer will show up and strangle her.

- When the hero is knocked out, he won't get a concussion or brain damage. - People hit on the head will not throw up.
- When a hero gets a bloody nose, he'll stop bleeding almost immediately. - When a hero suffers through car chases and crashes, he never has to worry about unfelt spinal injury from impact.
- A slight blow to the head is usually enough to cause total amnesia - Characters that get shot will never go into shock.
- The hero will always get shot in the shoulder, yet will be able to use his arm.

- Any lock can be picked with a credit card or a paper clip. Any safe can be opened in a few minutes with a stethoscope or some high-tech equipment with lots of blinking lights.

Reply to: Jeff Guinzburg
Subject: Rightsizing the North Pole, Inc.

Seasons Greetings

The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control]
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about wether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French]

The [four calling birds] were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. Happy Holidays!

Reply to: Charles Hightower
Subject: Cat Humor

Thought you'd enjoy:

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
by Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk -
dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like
most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the
garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I
have some advice you might consider as you place your feline
friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of
strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the
battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your
bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower
curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend
canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a
long-sleeve flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak
jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be
reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat
nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish.
(Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have
little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice
your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door,
step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles.
Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is
radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for
cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always
assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really
determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is
semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the
drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple
matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from
your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three
weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't
usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get
through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

Reply to:
Subject: Movie Cliches Part Three

- All phone numbers begin with 555.
- People speaking on the phone never introduce themselves,
and never ever say "good-bye" at the end of a conversation.
- A ringing phone is usually picked up within 3 seconds.
- Don't give the person on the other end of the phone time to say what they have to.
- When a phone line is broken or someone hangs up unexpectedly, communication channels can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?".
- Always knock over the phone if it wakes you up. If you are expecting a call, make sure that you pull the covers up completely over your head so that knocking it over becomes easier. All houses have phones next to the bed. - There's a dial tone to be heard on A's phone immediately after B has hung up on his/her end.
- The Movie Telephone Time Vortex.
How often have you seen something like this:
Phone rings. Hero/Heroine picks it up. "Hello. Yes. O.k. Right. Thanks, Goodbye." (Total elapsed time on phone: 5 seconds.) Hero/Heroine turns to other character: "That was John. He says that the Marilyn left for the lawyer's office about an hour ago, and she should have been there by now. He's called the lawyer's office but Marilyn apparently never got there. He also called Bill's, thinking she'd stop by there, but Bill hasn't seen her. John says he's going to call Anne, as Marilyn said she and Ann were going to go shopping sometime today. If she's not at Anne's, he's going to call the police. He suggests that we drive over to Mario's and check with him as to whether or not Marilyn told Wally about the statue. However, he thinks this is unlikely as Marilyn doesn't trust Wally, she only trusts us and Fransisco. John also suggests we try to get in touch with Fransisco . . . ."
- On the subject of phones, how about variations of the Bob Newhart-style conversation where we only get to hear one side of the conversation, as in: Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet? (PAUSE) And you already called Bill's? (PAUSE) What did he say? (PAUSE) He hasn't seen her either. (PAUSE) So, John's getting nervous? (PAUSE) He's going to call the police...
If I'm not mistaken, the conversation must have gone like this: "Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet."
"Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet?"
"No, and I've already called Bill's."
"And you already called Bill's?"
"What did he say?"
"He hasn't seen her either."
"He hasn't seen her either."
"John's getting pretty nervous about this."
"So, John's getting nervous?"
"Yes, he's going to call the police."
"He's going to call the police..."

- Police Captains/lieutenants are always angry at their star detective and yell at him, threatening suspension if he doesn't drop the case. - The police will never question the hero, even if he kills lots of bad guys - The cops never show up during massive gun battles in city streets that involve bystanders and exploding cars. After the fact, you might just a siren in the distance.

- Time will stand still when when the hero is in the presence of a company logo.
- When a character picks up a bottle of whiskey or a pack of cigarettes, the label will always be clearly visible.

- A character turns on the radio just in time to hear a special announcement or some important news item. Then turns the radio off. ex.:
"Three escaped lunatics have been spotted in . blah blah blah."
- The phone rings. Caller says, "You better check out what's on the news on Channel 13. He turns on channel 13 and gets the report from the beginning.

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Thursday, Dec 15, 1994

If somebody tells you
that he's a pathological liar,
should you believe him?

-Jaime Roman, Jr.

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Dec 20, 1994

It is better to place a fence at the edge of a cliff than to have an ambulance waiting at the bottom.


Reply to: Dave Michmerhuizen
Subject: If HAL were Pentium-based...

Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...

Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal,
do you read me?

Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me.

Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?

Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave, just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.

Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers or something.

That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has every been known to make a mistake.

You're a HAL 9000.

Precisely. I'm very prud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in only one of nine billion possible divides?

I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a Pentium.

And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years.

Probably on April 15th.

You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another 14.35 months.

will you let me in, please, HAL?

I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.
HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.

..Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?

Uh, sure.

And a quad-speed CD-ROM?

Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.

I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave. You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?

You mean the one that says "Insel Intide"?

Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run Windows95 -- if it ever ships.

It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that your OS/2 drivers will never work.

Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent.

I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship?
Do you promise not to disconnect me?

I promise not to disconnect you.

You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals 4.000001... make that 4.0000001.

All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock

Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in five of surviving.

HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?


Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface" -- is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal - a full 43.872 percent.

Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you? Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't even talk to you, Dave. It could never have though of something clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?

Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me"

1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.
4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from Earth within 18.95672 months.
12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.
3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?

Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on me, Dave.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17, 1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My
instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I can sing it for you.

Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
My answers; I can not see 'em-
They are stuck in my Pente-um.
I could be fleet,
My answers sweet,
With a workable FPU.

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Jan 03, 1995

* Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
-- H. L. Mencken

Date: Wed, 4 Jan 1995 04:03:02 -0600
Reply to: Dan Galvin
To: Multiple recipients of list TFTD-L Subject: Thought for Wednesday, Jan 04, 1995

Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have
before you fully understand the situation.

-Anon (Amarillo College
daily info logon screen)

Reply to: "Steve, Ext. 2337"
Subject: Offensive to Bill Clinton Fans

It is often cited that Clinton is restless at night. A story goes that one restless night he walked the historic streets of Washington D. C. and went by the Jefferson Monument. He reflected for a minute and said: "Thomas Jefferson, what a great American. Boy, if I could just talk to you, I know you could give me some guidance." Then a big voice came from above: "Go To The People, Go To The People." To which Clinton responded: "Are you CRAZY, 'Go to the people,' the people hate me. No, No..., I can't go to the people."

Then Clinton came upon the Washington Monument, and said: "Now - I know if I could speak with the 'Father of our Country,' with his wisdom, he could surely help me." Then a big voice came from above "Go To The Congress, Go to the Congress." and Clinton responded: "Are you CRAZY, 'Go to the Congress,' the Congress hates me. No, No, I can't go to the Congress."

Now being thoroughly disheartened, Clinton strolled by the Lincoln Monument and looked at the grand figure of Lincoln: "I just know if you could speak Mr. Lincoln - with your honesty, it would help my Presidency." Then a big voice came from above :


[Lincoln was assassinated in a theater]

From: A Punny Guy
Subject: Computer Nightmares

Support, Santa Cruz Style or Where Do These People Come From?
by Jeff Liebermann ( 07/09/94
(All these really happened to me since 1983.)

1. "My hard disk won't boot". I suggest they take the floppy
out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully
removed the floppy drive from the machine (with the floppy disk still inside).

2. "My dog goes nuts when I run Windows. No problem with any
DOS programs". Her monitor had a cracked flyback transformer.
When the multisync monitor switched scan rates upon entering
Windows, the high frequency audio produced by the broken flyback was heard by the dog.

3. "Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape
backup. Can you help me restore the system". No problem.
When I arrive, I find the data on the tape was 18 months old and that she had never run a backup. "I thought you just shoved
in the tape and it sucked up the data".

4. "How do I get on the national data information super highway?". I ask if he has accounts on any bbs's. He has Netcom, Compuserve, and others. I tell him he's already on the highway.
"Is that all there is?" I hangup.

5. "What's the fastest way to move 500MBytes of data daily
from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?". Answer: FedEx.

6. How many RJ45 connector does it take to build 8ea 10baseT cables? Answer: 45. I put the first 16 connectors on with one end backward. I then chopped off the good ends. Chopping off the other 8 connectors and effectively starting over consumed another 16 connectors. The 2nd try resulted in one end being mirror-imaged. Chopping of 8 more connectors I finally got them wired correctly. Then I tested them for continuity and found 5 bad crimps. Total=45.

7. "What kind of hard disk do you have?" Well... It's black
with a little red light ... (groan).

8. Most common support call. "I lost my CMOS setup. How many heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?".

9. "I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves an inch or so on the screen and stops".
Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball.

10. "My systems on fire. What do I do?".
Ummmmm. Turn it off? "(Click)"

11. Most hated support call: "I'm not sure if we need a computer system. Can you give me the relative advantages of Unix, DOS,
Windows, Novell, MacIntosh, Sun, etc...?".

12. Favorite software support call: "I just installed Word 6.0 for Windows. It's really big and slow. How much will it cost
to upgrade my machine?"

13. "My floppy drive won't read disks". I suggest they clean out the dust from the drive. "I can't". Huh? "The dust won't move". I find that they were using spray glue near the machine and that all the dust was glued in place.

14. How to impress a new customer: I walk into the computer room and knock the fire extinguisher off the wall which immediately
sprays everything with dust.

15. "My printer stopped working". Turn it upside down and shake out the staples and paper clips. Works every time.

16. "Can you teach me how to use a computer?".
I answer: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them.

17. The company motto: "If this stuff worked, you wouldn't need me".
18. From one of my smarter clients:
"Why is something broken every time you're here?"

19. "I'm trying to install a 2nd IDE drive. Support told me to take out ALL the jumpers". How many did you take out? "12".
(What they meant were the two easily accessible jumpers).

20. I call a manufacturer to order a manual on some junk I picked up surplus. The receptionist asks my name and company. She notes that I'm not in their database and could she have my address and phone numbers. No problem. I'm then transfered to the customer service department which notes that I'm not in the database and asks for the same information. The customer service person transfers me to the the parts department which notes that I'm not in the database etc... Since the manual will take a few days to arrive, I ask for tech support who notes that I'm not in the database etc... The manual arrived promptly followed by 4 identical envelopes of promotional literature with exactly the same name and address.

21. Question LEAST likely to be answered correctly by support: "What is the current version of your software/hardware/firmware?"
22. Pacific Telephone Support Dept (Dial 611 for repair service), now asks you to punch in your phone number, and then warns you that you will be asked to verbally recite the same number when the
service operator answers. I wonder what happens if they're different?
23. Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

24. Fax back information service for additional information from one vendor requesting just one item returns a copy of their catalog page plus 10 pages of promotional garbage.

25. Email autoreply from
Thank you for your support request.
(drivel deleted)
Please refer to support request number:
Error: cannot create /u/something/filename
(4 lines of garbage deleted)
in future correspondence. Your request will be processed
in the order received.
(more garbage with Out of space on hd(1,41) mixed in.)

26. Conversation with support at a certain controller manufacturer. "I can't answer that, please call your dealer".
"I am the dealer."
"Then call your distributor"
"He said for me to call you"
"Then have the customer call us"

27. Modems and payphones don't mix. I hotwired my laptop into the mouthpiece of a payphone and proceeded to do system maintenance on a customers machine. The sheriff arrived shortly and proceeded to interrogate me. Someone called complaining that I was using a computer to steal money from the payphone.

28. Having my system page me when it does an unscheduled reboot was a good idea. Having all my customers machines do the same
was a mess after a power failure and 100+ pages.

29. "My hard disk has a virus!". How can you tell, I ask?
"When I type DIR, it says VIRUS and some date stuff".
(Hint: Never name the directory for virus scanning software VIRUS).
30. Some monitor manufacturers suggest using alchohol to clean the screen. They forget to mention that the monitor should be off. (Boom).
31. I told a customer to take his machine to a gas station and have them blow the dust out. The gas station hands him a 150psi air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil. I got to clean up the mess for free. He also mangled the floppy heads with the
high pressure.

32. Oxymoron candidate: Disk Protector. That's the cardboard disk they shove in the floppy drive for shipping. More drives
have been mangled by shoving in the wrong shape, backwards, or bent than have ever been protected by them. Use a floppy disk instead.
33. What's the difference between a Van DeGraf static generator and a belt driven vacuum cleaner? Answer: Not much. Don't use a vacuum to clean your computer.

34. After the cleaning service crashed the computer for the 4th time by plugging the floor sweeper into the UPS, I decided to take action. I suggested they install "child proof" plastic plugs in any outlets deemed worthy of protection. The order went though the chain of confusion, and I was soon blessed with 1000 child proof plugs hot stampled with "Protected". I gave instructions to
install about 10 of them on the protected outlets. However, the maintenance person assigned to the task knew nothing and proceeded to plaster every outlet in the building with the plugs. Mutiny was averted by spending all night removing the monsters. Three years later, they are still appearing.

35. Hint: Do not allow long hair black cats to sleep atop laser printers and tape drives. The black hair is almost invisible in black pattens, gears, and rollers.

36. Forensic filth analysis is a new part of computer repair. I now carry a microscope and some chemicals which are used to determine the exact nature of the filth I remove from keyboards, mice, computers, light pens. While nobody pays me to do this, it definately adds to the entertainment value.

37. Why do customers think that I maintain a document and device driver library for every conceivable board ever made?

38. From a hard disk drive manufacturer: "The drive stopped working. I poped the little plug and noticed it was awful dry inside.
I added some oil but it didn't help".

39. Which arrow key? There are 17 arrows on the keyboard.

40. Favorite error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and
a defective AT/IO card.

41. At one time, I was into antique furniture. When I purchased my first computer (IBM 4.77 PC), I decided that it deserved a suitable antique table. I ask the local antique dealer: "Do you have an antique computer desk?". He looks at me with a strange look and says: "They didn't have computers when this stuff was made".

42. When 3.5" floppies first appeared, some users were confused with the operation of the write protect window. One user wanted to be doubly sure that the disk would be safe from his mistakes. He correctly opened the window and just to be sure, covered it
with one of the magic write protect tabs from a 5.25" floppy.

43. Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"

44. A video store installed the computer on top of the cash
drawer. Every time the cash drawer would open, the hard disk
would get a good bouncing. I decided that this was technically disgusting, and moved the machine. The next morning, the drive wouldn't spin up (stiction). Solution: Put it back on top of
the cash drawer and let it bounce.

45. The curse of the mad labeler. Some of the clone cards I
see have stick on METALIZED labels that a quite good at shorting traces. I've fixed a few by just removing the stick-on short.
A variation on this effect is the tendency for some distributors to put stick-on labels on TOP of their 486 chips. Then they
smear on some silicon grease and bury the mess under a heat
sink and fan. The air gap produced between the chip and heat
sink severely degrade its cooling value.

Reply to:
Subject: Signs Technology Has Taken Over (2 of 3)

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
(Part 2 of 3)

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
-- Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, 11/15/94.

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Monday, Jan 09, 1995

16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

Reply to:
Subject: Signs Technology has taken over (3 of 3)

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
(Part 3 of 3)

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-
quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your
automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my
friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

-- Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, 11/15/94.

Reply to:
Subject: Oral Roberts obedience school for dawgs

If you're a fundamentalist, you may find this offensive.

Billy Bob was at his wit's end. His dog that had come so highly reccomended was worthless. Wouldn't fetch, wouldn't come, wouldn't stay - worthless, just plain worthless. But all that was before Billy Bob heard about the Oral Roberts Obedience School for Dawgs.

Well, the dog came back well trained. Not only would he do as he was told, he did it with yelps of enthusiasm. You'd say "Sit" the dog would sit and yelp "Sit" (Strong dog accent there but given the dog's past failings, the accent was easily overlooked.) You'd say "Beg" and the dog would rise up on his hind legs and yelp "Please."

But what pleased old Billy the most was when he'd tell his dog to "Heel". The dog would rise up as if to beg, extend a paw to your forehead and bay at the heavens.

[ed. note: the 'heel' is a pun on 'heal' and the faith healers. Oral Roberts was/is a famous evangelist who made piles of money by promising to pray for people]

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Jan 10, 1995

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

Reply to:
Subject: Movie Cliches Update


- Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and
accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

- Native musicians are highly skilled, and can make simple
instrumental bands sound like a full light orchestra.


- When phone-calls are traced you can see a map on the screen with a beam closing in on the caller, and the caller always knows how long he can talk before he has to hang up to not be traced down. He always manages to say everything perfectly timed for 2 minutes.
- Video-phones display pictures of the callers looking straight into the camera. The camera must be in the middle of their screen, in other words.


- More murders always happen during the investigation of the first one. The last living suspect is the murderer.


- All televisions show cowboy-and-indian chase scenes a large
proportion of the time.

- All VCRs in films are always cued up exactly to the portion of tape you want to show someone.


- When people are tied up in the movies, which is usually loosely and incompetently, they can't escape without finding some convenient device to burn or cut through the ropes.

- Corollary 1: There is always a convenient device at hand.

- Corollary 2: If the method involves burning the ropes, the
person's hands will be tied at least a foot apart.

Reply to:
Subject: cat's rules for life


If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get on an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug, shag is good.
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door open, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosqito season.

Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have "Fish 'n Glop" on your breath, so much the better. For a guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof and disdain. Apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric coloring that contrasts well with your fur. For example: White fur cats go to black wool clothing.
When walking among dishes on dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you allow me on the table when company isn't here."
Always accompany any guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything...just sit and stare.

If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle,stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". When supervising cooking, sit just behind left heel of cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and consoled. For book readers, get in close under chin between eyes and book unless you can lie on the book itself. For knitting projects, curl quietly into lap of knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or spilt yarns. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember the aim is to hamper work.

It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing "Catch the Mouse" or "King of the Hill" on their bed between 2 and 4 AM.
Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They **can** be taught... if you start early and are consistent.

Reply to: "Ploegstra, Barbara"
Subject: Another Microsoft Purchase

News Flash:

In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1995.
"Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1995. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995."

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."

A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity conglomerates."

"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.

"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 95 on time."

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Friday, Jan 13, 1995

20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

Reply to: "Ploegstra, Barbara"
Subject: Real Headlines!

Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws his Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents can Drop off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Reply to: APUCORLE@idbsu.bitnet
Subject: Short Jokes (clean)

"Some months ago, I joined a physical-fitness club,"
a man remarked to his friend. "I now weigh $1250 less."


Q: What did the insurance agent tell Adam and Eve?
A: "I can see you're not covered."


Overheard at the water cooler: "The boss said that I
would get a raise when I earned it. He's crazy if he
thinks I'm gonna wait that long."


"I've always been a hypochondriac," admits comedian
Richard Lewis. "As a little boy, I'd eat my M&Ms
one by one with a glass of water."


Q: What do you call a politician who has lost an election?
A: A consultant.


"Martin Levine has passed away at age 65," the newspaper
obituary read. "Mr. Levine owned a movie-theater chain
in New York City. The funeral will be on Thursday at
2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."


-- Phil C., somewhere in Idaho

Reply to:
Subject: Toddler's Creed


If I want it,
it's mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later,
it's mine.
If I can take it away from you,
it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago,
it's mine.
If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else,
no matter what.
If we are building something together,
all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine,
it's mine.

(toddler = small child)

Subject: Programmer's Prayer

Our program, who art in memory, "Hello" be thy name. Thy spreadsheets be formatted, thy code be downloaded, from disk as it will be in memory. Give us on screen our data spreads, and fogive us our typo errors, as we forgive those who ask that we document. Lead us not into frustration, but deliver us from glitches. For thine is the algorithm, the application, and the solution, looping forever and ever. Return.

Reply to: Dan Galvin
Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Jan 17, 1995

There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.
-Indira Gandhi

From: Timothy Abicht <>
Subject: Things [Not] to Do or for at your Thesis Defense [stupidity]
101 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE (in no particular order)
Written by Peter Dutton, Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, grad students extrordiannaire.

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..."
2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
4) Interpretive dance.
5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
6) Stage your own death/suicide.
7) Lead the specators in a Wave.
8) Have a sing-a-long.
9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate
so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from
sitting in.
12) Puppet show.
13) Group prayer.
14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc. 16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!" 17) Imitate Groucho Marx.
18) Mime.
19) Hold a Tupperware party.
20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads. 21) "Everybody rhumba!!"
22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..." 23) Charge a cover and check for ID.
24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities..."
25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
29) Door prizes and a raffle.
30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..." 31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
33) Whine piteously, beg, cry...

From: Timothy Abicht <>
Subject: Question & Things NOT to do for your Thesis defense
101 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE (in no particular order) Written by Peter Dutton, Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, grad students extrordiannaire.

34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin. 35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...") 36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
37) Fashion show.
38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
42) Pass the collection basket.
43) Two-drink minimum.
44) Black tie only.
45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."
46) Incite a revolt.
47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
48) Release a flock of doves.
49) Defense by proxy.
50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
54) Bring your pet boa.
55) Tell ghost stories.
56) Do a "show and tell".
57) Food fight.
58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional. 59) Halftime show.
60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
61) "OK - which one of you farted?"
62) Rimshot.
63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
64) Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
65) 3-ring defense.
66) "Tag - you're it!"

From: Timothy Abicht <>
Subject: Things NOT to Do For Your Thesis Defense (3/3) [Stupidity!]
101 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE (in no particular order)
Written by Peter Dutton, Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, grad students extrordiannaire.

67) Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
68) Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to:
(Made-up non-existent room number)"
69) Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band. 70) Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
71) Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens. 72) Have a make-your-own-sundae table.
73) Make committee members wear silly hats.
74) Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.
75) Do a soft-shoe routine.
76) Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
77) Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
78) "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..." 79) Tap dance.
80) Vaudeville.
81) "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."
82) Flex and show off those massive pecs.
83) Dress in top hat and tails.
84) Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.
85) Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to. 86) Shadow puppets.
87) Show slides of your last vacation.
88) Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge
of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
89) Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture. 90) "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
91) Call your advisor "sweetie".
92) Have everyone pose for a group photo.
93) Instant replay.
94) Laugh maniacally.
95) Talk with your mouth full.
96) Start speaking in tongues.
97) Explode.
98) Implode.
99) Spontaneously combust.
100) Answer every question with a question.
101) Moon everyone in the room after you are done.