Date: Mon, 30 May 1994 10:55:33 EST
From: Kathleen Williams
Subject: God's sense of humor

In the beginning there was nothing and then God said let there be light and there was still nothing but at least you could see it.

There was a dweeb who went to the hardware store and bought a leather tool belt and a lot of tools to go with it. Like any good tool belt it weighed about 100 lbs when fully decked out.

The fella decided to take the belt out for a spin and was working out in his yard when all of a sudden the tool belt ended up around his ankles taking his pants with it. So here is our guy all of a sudden mooning the world bare-assed naked in his back yard.

All of a sudden there is a tremendous clap of thunder and a lightning bolt came down out of the heavens and carved a perfect 5 on each cheek of his posterior. The fella was very excited, but not nearly as excited as his wife who decided that this was a sign from above and proceeded to put their life savings into lottery tickets betting on the number 55.

That evening the drawing was held and you can imagine their
excitment when the first number drawn was a 5. Immediately there- after the last two numbers came out...0...5. Winning number 505
Not only is there a God--he has a sense of humor.

Date: Mon, 30 May 1994 22:23:51 -0700 (PDT)
From: Linda White
Subject: If winning isn't important, then....

...why keep score?

It doesn't work, but it looks pretty.
It's a fine line between fishing & standing still.
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
MS-DOS....DR DOS' Sister
Make Headlines..use a corduroy pillow....
Master of all I survey (at the moment, empty pizza boxes)
Meditation is not what you Think.
Member: International Brotherhood of Tagline Thieves!
Memory is a thing we forget with.
My dad hit me only once - with the Buick
My haystack had no needle!
My reality check just bounced.
No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard.
OS/2 VirusScan - "Windows found: remove it? (Y/y)"
Of course I'm running Windows NO CARRIER
Oh no, not another learning experience!
On the other have five different fingers
Our necessities are few but our wants are endless...
Pound forehead on keyboard to continue.

Date: Mon, 30 May 1994 23:20:01 -0700 (PDT)
From: Linda White
Subject: More taglines

Data, data everywhere, and not a byte to eat!
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps...
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Drive C: Error, (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore (K)ick (S)cream
I may not always be perfect, but I'm always me.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am.
If we left the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy.

Date: Fri, 27 May 1994 13:37:14 -0400
From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now."
Subject: Humor: US Navy in Spain joke (may be offensive to Jewish/black)
In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna, Spain, for a week's shore leave. (Well, leave for the crew, not the cruiser.) The first evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:

Dear Captain,

On Thursday, it will be my daughter's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. - One last point: no Jews - we don't like Jews.
Sure enough, at 8 on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, wealthy, single, BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she got out "There must be some mistake".

"Madam", said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."
Date: Sun, 29 May 1994 13:44:29 EST
From: Angel Dey
Subject: Old folks home humor

I got this joke from a gentle soul from South Africa:

A couple of old ladies are sitting on the patio in a retirement home. Both are bored.

Mabel: Nothing happens here, all the men are half-dead and no fun!
Doris: I agree. Let's do something that will jerk them into action!
So Mabel agrees to streak down the corridor and attract the attention of the old men that are sitting there sunning themselves.

She does this and the following conversation insues between Harold and Humphrey...

Harold: Humphrey, old boy, was that Mabel that I saw running past...
Humphrey: Hmm, I think so. Couldn't say for sure.

Harold: My eyes aren't too good these days. What was she wearing?
Humphrey: Hmm, couldn't say for sure, but whatever it was it was in need of ironing!

Date: Sat, 28 May 1994 00:56:45 LCL
From: Alar Pardla
Subject: Jokes short, may be offensive to various people (but I doubt it)
"Where is Your wedding ring?", asks one Scotshman from another. "Well lad, my wife is wearing it this week."


Scotshman returns from a dentist.
"Well, how was it? Painful?"
"Yes, he pulled out two of my teeth."
"But You had trouble only from one?"
"He didn't have a change."


"Doctor, is it really true that eating carrots make your eyes work better?" (or ... improves ones eyesight")
"Of course, have You seen any rabbits, wearing glasses?"


"I have heard that brunettes are much better in bed than blondes!" "Oh, thats rubbish. My wife is been both blond and brunette, and there is no difference!"


In old peoples home:
"Remember Mich, when we were at war (Vietnam), they gave us some pills, that we wouldn't want to chase women?"
"Yeah, I remember..."
"It seems that they finally have started working."


"I've got perfect way, how to know, when I had too much to dirnk." "Tell me how."
"I start to like my own wife...."

Two beers and a hot-dog are having a party in a stomach. Then arrives another beer.
"What is going on out there?", asks the hot-dog.
"Not much", was the reply.
Not for long in short interval jet three more beers arrive. Hot-dog asks all of them what is going on out there, but all they say, is that nothing special.
"Then I'll just have to go and see for myself, what is going on...."
Date: Tue, 31 May 1994 09:09:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
Subject: Getting old

Having just had my 41st birthday my wife has been king enough to remind me of my age with the following:

Age is mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Dan Ingman
The young and old have all the answers. Those in between are stuck with the questions.

I don't let old age bother me. There are 3 signs of old age. Loss of memory..... I forget the other 2 ... Red Skelton

Wrinkles are hereditary. Parents get them from their children. Doris Day
Youth is a wonderful thing; what a crime to waste it on children. G B Shaw
This is good news: of memory, hearing, all the faculties - the last to leave us is sexual desire and the ability to make love. That means that long after we're wearing bifocals or hearing aids, we'll be making love. But we won't know with whom. Jack Paar

At 20 we don't care what the world thinks of us; at 30 we start to worry about what it thinks of us; at 40 we realise that it isn't thinking of us at all.
They say life begins at 40 - but so do lumbago, bad eyesight, arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story 3 times to the same person. They say life begins at 40 - but so do lumbago, bad eyesight, arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story 3 times to the same person. They say .....

Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 11:01:40 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Humor in the form of a fable

There is an ancient story of the Middle East about a scorpion who asked a tortoise to ferry him across the Nile. The tortoise was hesitant. "You'll bite me and I'll die," he said.

The scorpion promised not to bite him, and crawled up on the tortoise's back as they plunged into the river.

Halfway across, the scorpion bit the tortoise.

"Why did you break your promise?" wailed the tortoise. "Now we'll both die."

"I couldn't hlep myself. It's a way of life here in the Middle East."
Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 21:19:13 -0400
From: Mark Adams
Subject: Speech Recoginition

>At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a vendor was demo'ing >his company's latest speech recognition software. He was just about >ready to start the demo, and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. >Just as he was ready to start, someone from the back of the room >yelled, "FORMAT C : RETURN"

Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 11:58:36 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem
Subject: Old Timers (clean)

Two oldtimers met at a 50 year reunion of their college class. "I know you," one said to the other, who responded, "Your face is familiar, but I can't recall your name. What is it?" Following a long, long pause, the other asked, "How soon do you need to know?"

Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 21:56:52 EDT
From: Emile Artus

More men jokes:

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One -- men will screw anything.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q: How can you tell a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Q: What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A: A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 11:14:47 EST
From: Joe Mole
Subject: Funny things speakers say

If everything goes as planned this evening, we shouldn't
run more than hour late.

Our next guest is the greatest guy in the world. And that's
not my opinion--it's his.

These handouts may not make much sense at first, but you'll
discover that they're very handy to doodle on when I get
real boring.

This lighting really plays tricks on your eyes. I'm
actually a lot more handsome and skinnier than I look.

That's a very good question. See me during the break, and
I'll avoid answering it then, too.

Don't be embarrassed to ask even the simplest, most basic
question--Those are the only one I'll be able to answer.

Our guest of honor finally got an office with a window,
but now he spends all day asking, "Would you like fries
with that order?"

I think the small turnout can be blamed on your excellent
newsletter--obviously, too many people knew I'd be here.

I don't want to suggest that today's food was bad, but
three terrorist groups have called in to claim responsibility.

Gee, is my time up already? It seems like only last Thursday
I started this speech.

Date: Sat, 4 Jun 1994 16:05:55 -0700 (PDT)
From: Linda White
Subject: webwisdom.html (fwd)


Post your wisdom here
There's a lot of smart folks out there on the Net - or at least a lot of smart gluteus maximi. A mind is a terrible thing to waste (or, as D. Quayle put it -"it's terrible to lose one's mind"). You've worked hard to obtain the chemical/biological pattern in your cranium! Pass on your wisdom! Follow the link above to post your 2 cents... _________________________________________________________________
1. "To be is to do" - Sartre

"To do is to be" - Camus

"Do be do be do" - Sinatra --->anonymous exisinatrialist
2. Successful system administration is a dictatorship, any other form is doomed to fail. --> Ray Suorsa

3. unix is an exponential algorithm with a seductively small constant. --> Scott Draves

4. The clarity and value of the installation notes is inversely proportional to the cost of the software. -->Jeff

5. There is no such thing as a secure machine, only good backups. -->Jeff

6. No right of private conversation was enumerated in the
Constitution. I don't suppose it occurred to anyone at the time that it could be prevented. -- Whitfield Diffie, Sun Microsystems -->submitted by Mike

7. The passive voice is frowned upon by those of us who are in the know. -->Danfuzz

8. Unix -is- user friendly.. it's just picky about its friends. --> Heather

9. It's not how big it is, but how long it stays up... - from someone I can't remember talking about IBM PCs. Maybe. --->T H Choo
10. UNIX systems always run in one state or another. -- RISC/os (UMIPS) System Administrator's Guide -->Markus Stumpf

11. UNIX wizards do it with small modular tools. - From somewhere in netland...-->Phil Meyer

12. There are two kinds of people in this world; those who say there are two kinds of people and those who don't. --> Dan Georges
13. ...stupid users... (do they come in any other flavors?) (I want the replacement set) (Put a dime on their head and they will be worth a nickel)...--> Heather

14. Strange women lying in ponds is a basis for a rule of government. --> Albion

15. One keeps hearing reports of how company A or company X thought that putting a computer on every desk would raise productivity. In reality, productivity dropped. Computers will never be a mainstream productivity tool until the software intelligence is high enough to compensate for mainstream user intelligence. This, to me, is the main point behind HCI (Human Computer Interaction) research. It is also why Mosaic has been such a resounding success - you pretty much have to be illiterate to not be able to be a Mosaic user. Hats off to the NCSA development team! We need more effort in software to compensate for the user. This does not necessarily mean A.I. , as demonstrated by Mosaic. --> Jeff
16. "I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." -Thomas Edison -->submitted by Kurt Overberg

17. VMS is a text adventure. If you win, you get to use Unix. -->Jay Carlson

18. "Profanity is the one language all programmers know well." - from somewhere out there ....--> A. Mallet

19. Modern times 3 great lies: 1. Check is in the mail 2. I love you 3. Windows NT will replace Unix

20. Those that can, do. Those that can't get patents. --->Adam
21. Never allow a loved one to stop you from drinking, as they were probably the reason you started in the first place

22. Q: How do you tell when a COBOL programmer's chair is level? A: He drools out of both sides of his mouth. ---Jonathan P. Bernick
23. Addendum to article 1: "Yabba Dabba Doo" -- F. Flintstone ---comet

24. Common sense is an oxymoron. ---Keith Hanson

25. For those whose minds lack option, profanity is often the first resort, not the last.---Doug Payton

26. The skill of accurate perception is called cynicism by those who don't possess it. ----Alan Millar

27. Fast. Powerful. User-friendly. Now choose any two. ---Eric Daniels

28. Law of programming: Constants aren't, variables won't Unknown source. ---C. hodgkinson

29. Great Spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds (or something like that) ---Albert Einstein [whited]


32. "You cannot pray to a personal computer no matter how
user-friendly it is." -- W. Bingham Hunter----submitted by Jim Huggins


34. When laws become unjust, just men become outlaws. ---Vince Cate
35. If all else fails, REBOOT (Works almost every time)!---Debra L. Stacey

36. The 286 is destined to be a multiuser machine. No one person could use all of that power. -- Intel spokesman ----submitted by: Daniel Barnes

37. Wirth's Rule: Never store data in more than one place, sooner or later you will update one and not the other.---Dave Coleman
38. "The weather was foul, or perhaps, duck" - Quote from Spike Milligan ---submitted by Kevin Watson

39. Never turn away a disgruntled blonde user. ---Don Miller (helpdesk)

40. "If at first you don't succeed.....CHEAT!" ---Kevin Watson
41. The internet user is cyborg. The meshing of human and machine. Propositional logic is dead. The dialogue consists of point and click. True and false are no longer because the information is decontextualized and fragmented, the cyborg can only nod his head--that's just life on the net. ---Andy Gress

42. overheard at the local help desk: "no, sir... too many bic pens around your computer won't hurt it one bit." ---vampyr

43. Kill It Before It Dies!!! ---Michael Moore

44. "Through experiencing fear, one learns bravery."---Brian Albrecht
45. Congress spends like a drunk sailor. And that's unfair to the sailor for two reasons. The sailor spends his own money. And, eventually, he sobers-up. -- Richard M. Nixon (I think)---Jeff Prince

46. Do not ask the Yak. They never know the Way. ---Jon Green
47. Said of a user - He was a roadkill on the information super highway. ---Jim Parker

48. Live, love, and learn... As best as you can. ---Stephen H. Price
49. I smell a wumpus! -- Anonymous late-nite programmer suffering from caffeine withdrawal. ---Jeff Bromberger

50. Once a Junior Programmer interrupted a Great Guru of the Sun to ask a Question of no importance. ---Jon Green
51. The Great Guru replied in words which the Junior Programmer did not understand.---Jon Green
52. The Junior Programmer sought to rephrase the Question, saying, "Stop me if I appear stupid."---Jon Green
53. The great Guru, without speaking, reached over and pressed L1-A.---Jon Green
54. The Junior Programmer achieved Enlightenment.---Jon Green
55. Everything should be as simple as possible - but not simpler. - Albert Einstein ---submitted Simon Morris

56. Love is that condition in which another's happiness is essential to your own.---David Talley

57. I seached the world to find whats real, and when I found it I'd lost myself I'm not for real, man---Krister

58. *One wooden puppet to another, upon kissing* : Ouch! Love really is a many SPLINTERED thing...---rbailey

59. All sunshine makes a desert...Katherine Hintz. Out of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most... Do you study the law or do you study loopholes? mother.---submitted by jackie luongo

60. An engineer who can't write is just an overpaid
technician.---Allen Atkins

61. "It's not a matter of mapping's the possibilities of existance" ---Q (All Good Things...- the final episode)
62. And Time, a maniac scattering dust,

And Life, a fury slinging FLAME.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson 1809-1892

63. --it was the one time of the year when we got to show up at THEIR doorstep and they tried to get ride of us.---James Welt [Coming from a neighborhood filled with Jehovah's Witnesses, my favorite holiday was always Halloween])

64. It has been shown that laboratory research causes cancer in rats.---Steve Dupree
65. If it wont fit... Use a bigger hammer !!!---Lars Steinke
66. Although some people say I am, I am not dum!!!---Devin Nix
67. Your FUTURE starts TODAY!---Sarah Escandor

68. Eternity is long... especially in the end.---Laurent "Agiel"
69. Given a symptom of a bug, check the least likely cause
first.---Simon Morris

70. Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Can't be done. It's a hardware problem.---Ralph B.
71. Any solution which fits all known facts can't be correct!---Jon Green

Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 15:12:59 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: French joke

A 'lovely lady' comes to a winter sports and social
areas. The first day, she goes to the local Visitors Bureau and notices a sign on which is written:

Crans 15 cm [6 in.] soft
Tignes 25 cm [10 in.] supple
Courchevel 30 cm [12 in.] hard

The goes up to the clerk and blushing, asks: "Do you know where I might find this Mr. Courchevel?"

[Crans, Tignes, and Courchevel are ski resort areas in the Alps.]
Date: Wed, 8 Jun 1994 07:37:00 PDT
From: Cox Terry 5741
Subject: Computer humor (UUBP)

This is something I actually got of off the British cars list a while back. Even people who drive Little British Cars can still enjoy a bit of humor every now and then.


uubp -- Unix-to-Unix beer protocol


uubp [- acefghlqy] site


Uubp allows the user to transfer beer, ale, or other fermented grain beverages between network sites. Using TCP/IP (telecommunications protocol for imbibing pilsners), uubp encodes beer from a local file system into packets suitable for FTP (fermentation transfer protocol) delivery at a remote IP site.


% uubp -c"AMBER" -f0.7 -y0 -q2

The preceding example sends two six-packs (-q2) of amber ale (-c"AMBER") with a fizziness quotient of 70%, brewed using yeast of type 0 (saccharo- myces cerevisiae) to IP address, which is the IP address for the White House.


Both source and destination sites must be running uubp-daemon. In addition, local restrictions exist in many areas for the transportation of alcohol across state lines. The Electronic Frontier Foundation is currently involved in litigation to ensure the ability to distribute beer through the uubp protocol according to the 21st Amendment. To support the SIG of EFF devoted to this cause, join the Homebrewers of the Electronic Frontier Engaged in Winning Electronic Independence and Zeroing Establishment Nonsense (HEFEWEIZEN), or send mail to Be sure to include the entire text of this manual page.


Relax. Don't worry. Have a homebrew!

Date: Wed, 8 Jun 1994 10:13:00 EDT
From: "Frank.Hartman" <22345FLH@MSU.EDU>
Subject: Riddle

What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a
dog do with one leg in the air?

Shake hands.

Date: Wed, 8 Jun 1994 19:51:00 GMT
From: Sharath K S + 1 908 615 6082


When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours */
When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page
Date: Wed, 8 Jun 1994 10:44:33 PDT
From: "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" Subject: Lowering One's Standards

"My mother dreamed of my future wife being rich, Jewish and beautiful. Now Mom's only requirement is that she be a mammal!"

Date: Wed, 8 Jun 1994 18:35:08 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Great Jesus joke

Trying to get Jezzus to do something unpleasant, some religious whackos drag a woman to him and accuse her of adultry. Jeezus
dismisses the croud with the famous, "Let him (Jeez is not PC.) who is without sin cast the first stone."

The words were no sooner out of his mouth when a boulder flew past his ear and smashed the adultress in the mouth. Jeezus turned around and said, "Sometimes you really piss me off, Mother!"

Date: Thu, 9 Jun 1994 00:59:00 PDT
From: Jack Kolb
Subject: possibly offensive to Jews

Sammy decided to become a Reformed Jew. His mother came to
dinner, and he served her a hamsteak. "Sammy!" she cried.
"We've NEVER eaten ham!" "But Mama, I'm Reform now. We don't
keep kosher." Sammy's mother was understandably horrified. On Saturday, Sammy offered to take his mama for a ride in his car. "But Sammy, you should be at Temple, and not driving on the
Sabbath!" "Oh, Mama, we don't worry about keeping the Sabbath
anymore." That evening, Sammy introduced his mama to his
fiancee, a lovely Irish lass.
"Just one thing I gotta know, Sammy," his mother inquired.
"Are you still circumcised?"

Date: Sat, 4 Jun 1994 17:46:54 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Almanac humor: Willing to be ruined
A country girl was sent to market to sell her butter, and being a pretty cherry cheeked fresh coloured girl, a gentleman took notice of her, bought all her butter, and insisted upon her drinking something with him to which she with some reluctance, consented; and then he forced her to drink so much, that she was quite intoxicated; --he afterwards asked her to sleep with him that night, to which she very readily consented. The next morning when she returned home, her father and mother demanded the reason for her staying all night. She
immediately told them the whole affair. "O you hussy," cryed they, "you are ruined!" "O mother," says the girl smiling, "I wish I was to be ruined so every night of my life, and live to the age of
Methusala." (The Farmer's Almanack for 1799)

Date: Thu, 9 Jun 1994 22:18:53 -0500
From: Shyam Bhatia
Subject: Typographical error corrected!

This is how a typographical error in the classified section
of a small-town newspaper led to a hilarious series of
ads to correct the original mistake.

(Monday) "FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 486-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
lives with him cheap."

(Tuesday) "NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jones'
ad yesterday. It should have read: One screwing machine for
sale. Cheap. Phone 486-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives
with him after 7 p.m."

(Wednesday) "NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the error
we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands correct
as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Cheap. Phone 486-0707 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
loves with him."

(Thursday) "NOTICE - I, R.D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for
sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 486-0707, as the telephone has
been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

Date: Fri, 10 Jun 1994 01:04:00 PDT
From: Jack Kolb
Subject: joke

Describe heaven:
A place with English servants, French cooks, Italian lovers, all managed by the Swiss.

Describe hell:
A place with English cooks, French servants, Swiss lovers,
all managed by the Italians.

Date: Fri, 10 Jun 1994 10:50:26 CST
From: "McGrath, Lisa"
Subject: History of the World (Part 2)

The World According to Student Bloopers (Part 2)

Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Date: Mon, 13 Jun 1994 08:33:14 CST
From: "McGrath, Lisa"
Subject: History of the World (Part 3)

The World According to Student Bloopers (Part 3)

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post with out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Date: Mon, 13 Jun 1994 10:33:46 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Humor: Transplant humor

Three men were on safari in the darkest of Africa, when they were overrun by a stampede of rhinos. Luckily, all three survived, though seriously injured: the first man lost an eye, the second lost an ear, and the third one lost his willy. Being far away from what they called "civilization", with no hospital around, they decided to go to the nearest medicine man. He was very willing to help them, but did not have any human spare parts. All he had was a box full of animal limbs and organs.

To the first man, the medicine man said: "All I can do for you, is put in an eagle's eye." And so he did.

To the second man, the medicine man said: "All I can do for you, is sew on a cat's ear." And so he did.

To the third man, the medicine man said: "All I can do for you, is put on an elephant's trunk." And so he did.

A few years later, the three men met at their safari reunion. Of course, they wanted to know how they had recovered from their injuries.
The first man said: "All goes well, although sometimes I see things I'd better not see."

The second man said: "All goes well, although sometimes I hear things I'd better not hear."

The third man said: "All goes well, although sometimes, when I'm at a party, I get this urge to open my fly and grab some peanuts."

Date: Tue, 14 Jun 1994 09:24:45 +0300
From: Altar Ariel

In a domestic flight in US the pilot of the plane forgot the microphone at the ON position and he said to the other pilot:

- When I arrive at New York I'm going to have a bath, eat a great dinner and fuck the gorgeous blonde stewardess that is in our flight.

Since the mike was on, all the passengers and the stewardess heard that announcement. She blushed and rushed to the cockpit. On the way one of the passengers that noticed her called:

- You don't have to hurry, he still has to do another two things before he gets to you.

Date: Tue, 14 Jun 1994 14:12:35 MET
From: Tomasz Andraszek
Organization: The Palace of Youth in Warsaw

Once upon a time a woman encountered a gold fish,
The gold fish gave her three wishes in exchange of freedom,
The woman agreed... Her first wish was to be 100 times wiser then she was.
After that she said: 'Wow the world looks different !'
Her second wish was the same: 'Make me 100 times wiser again' - thinking it would be good enough. 'Geee!!! , Great !!!, I understand almost everything now!'
The gold fish asked what was her third wish.
'Make me 100 times wiser for the last time' - the woman answered and the gold fish changed her into A MAN.

Date: Tue, 14 Jun 1994 22:34:08 -0400
From: Jascha Franklin-Hodge
Subject: Computer Humor - Offensive to Microsoft

1: cartoon seen in an old computer magazine:

Little boy sitting in a pile of diskettes, he's holding
a horseshoe magnet. Father is in the adjoining room
doing some take-home work.

"Dad, you've been jipped. None of these are magnetic"

2: A salesperson hoping to demonstrate to a skeptical corp. how easy it is to use windows.
"Just point and click" he says. "Just point to the application you want and click on the mouse button."
So the exec take the mouse, lifts it, hefts it like a tv.remote points at the screen and clicks the button.

3: Boise State University, College of Technology
Outreach Programs, Specialized Computer Courses

"Managing Your Hard Dick" 10/30-12/11 W $115 5:30pm-8:00pm
Subject: Computer Questions

Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Q: Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball?

A: Ask it something and it replies:
"Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."

Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!

Q: Why don't the British build computers?
A: Because they can't figure out how to make them leak oil!

Q. Somebody asked me "What happens to programmers when they die?"
They get deallocated?
Their values become undefined?
The get re-intialized?
Their structues break down?
they become WORM food...
They start dropping bits........
They branch to a new address!
Their social system resources are released?
They dump core? [a coredump is the result of an abort()ion]

Subject: technical awareness and elephants

President Clinton, as part of his goal to increase technical
awareness and interest in the sciences, asked the various major computer companies to cooperate in a large Multimedia publishing project. The general theme was "Elephants".

The piece from Apple was titled: "User Friendly Elephants and
Their Friend, the Mouse".

IBM's: "How to Sell an Elephant to Someone Who Wants a Racehorse".
Novell's: "Connecting Elephants".

Borland's: "All Elephants Should Cost $99".

NeXT's: "Painting an Elephant Black".

Microsoft's: "Why You Should Buy Microsoft Windows".

Date: Wed, 15 Jun 1994 09:49:02 +0100
From: "Elroy Bos {}"
What has a hundred teeth and holds back a giant ?
My zipper.

I also received the same joke with a feminist touch:
What has a hundred teeth and holds back a monster ?
A man's zipper.

Too bad my mail already gave it away..I find the first version better in face- to-face conversation. I'd like to thank everybody for the overwhelming response to my question. Since there were several possibilities for translation, I used the one most people gave. It is the same in Dutch BTW. Someone proposed the translation "spirangofoae". Could that be right ?
When the pope came to the Netherlands, he got out of the plane and kissed the ground. Queen Beatrix, who was there to meet him, said:
Listen Pope, in the Netherlands we walk on the ground, and kiss the women. Not the other way round.

Q: Why does an elephant wear white boots ?
A: So you can't see him in the yoghurt.
Q: Ever seen an elephant in the yoghurt ?
A: You see, it works !

A rabbit enters the bakery. 'Do you have chocolate cars ?'
'No, we don't', the baker says, 'but if you come back tomor-
row, I'll make you one'
Next day the rabbit returns.
The baker says; 'Look, here's your chocoloate car'.
The rabbit is a little bit disappointed: 'The wheels can't
Next day the rabbit returns. The wheels are able to turn.
But it's not enough: 'I can't move the steering wheel'
'Ok' the baker replies 'come back tomorrow, and I'll fix it'
Next day the rabbit returns. Now he can steer the car.
But still it's not enough: 'I can't open the trunk'
'Ok' the baker replies 'come back tomorrow, and I'll fix it'
The next day the rabbit returns. Now he is very glad, because
the wheels turn, he can steer and he can open the trunk: 'Oh,
thank you baker'
'I'm glad you like it. Shall I put it in a box ?'
The rabbit answers: 'No thanks, I will eat it here.'

A rabbit is riding a motorcycle on the highway. While passing
a car, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes ?'
Rabbit: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?'
Driver: 'No I haven't'
The rabbit drives on, until he sees the next car. While pas-
sing it, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes ?'
Rabbit: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?'
Driver: 'No I haven't'
Then suddenly there is a curve, the rabbit sees it too late.
He crashes of the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man
runs to the unlucky rabbit. Covered in blood and surely dying,
the rabbit asks: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?'
'Yes I have. I had a Honda for twenty years' the man answers.
The rabbit asks: 'Where are the brakes ?'

Date: Wed, 15 Jun 1994 08:17:10 CST
From: "McGrath, Lisa"
Subject: History of the World (5th & last part)

The World According to Student Bloopers (Part 5 - the end)
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Date: Wed, 15 Jun 1994 10:21:00 PDT
From: "Wayland Wasserman (temp)" Subject: FW: clean joke

There was this small group of mice that died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met them at the gate, and since they had been good mice, showed them to their quarters. A couple of days later, he went back to check on them and see how things were going.

Well, they did have one complaint: It seems that due to their little tiny legs, it took them so long to get to the cafeteria, that the food was fairly picked over by the time they got there. No problem, said St. Peter, and he gave them some roller skates to help them get around. Checking back on them a couple days later, he found them very happy with everything, and even thinking about joining the choir.

Later that week, a group of cats died and went to heaven. Having been good cats, St. Peter showed them to their quarters, just across the way from where the mice were staying. Again, a couple of days later he checked back in on them to make sure that everything was going OK and they absolutely loved the place! Everything was wonderful, and they especially liked the little meals-on-wheels...

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 1994 16:22:25 -0400
From: Apryl Liebrum
Subject: Offensive to W. Va. folks

What does a West Virginia man say to his best friend when he goes home and finds him in bed with his wife?

Bad dog. Baaaaaaad dog.

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 1994 14:43:53 MEX
From: Antonio Oliveros
Subject: How to shoot yourself in the foot (Operating systems knowledge req.)

How to shoot yourself in the foot using a operating system. UNIX: You shoot yourself in the foot.
MS-DOS: You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.
MS-WINDOWS: The gun blows up in your hand.
WINDOWS-NT: The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.
OS/2: The gun and the bullet aren't speaking to each other any more. MAC FINDER: It's easy to shoot yourself in the foot -- just point and shoot. AIX: You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45 IRIX: The terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot. SVR4: The gun isn't compatible with your foot.
MINIX: You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a saturday night special.
VMS: /FOOT/ ambiguous: supply more toes.
LINUX: Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free.
HURD: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot real soon now. VM/CMS: IBM shoots you in the foot.
AMIGA-DOS: The gun works pretty well, exept that few people use one and it's impossible to find bullets.
MACH: The bullets work pretty well, but they don't make guns for it anymore. CRAY: You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 1994 18:46:17 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Early Am almanac humor: Lawyer joke, how can you be so exact?
A humorous fellow, a carpenter, being subpoena'd as a witness on a trial for an assault; one of the counsel, who was very much
given to browbeat the evidence, asked him what distance he was
away from the parties when he saw the defendant strike the
plaintiff? The carpenter answered, "Just four feet five inches
and a half."

"Prithee, fellow," says the counsel, "how is it possible you can be so very exact as to the distance?"

"Why, to tell you the truth," says the carpenter, "I thought
perhaps that some fool or other might ask me, so I measured it." (Hutchin's Improved: Being an Almanack for 1776)

Date: Fri, 17 Jun 1994 13:05:15 EST
From: Sim Webster
Subject: Math humor: counting

During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five on the table. Then he became silent for a while again and then told the following story:

"When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife wife didn't trust him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their things, she said:
- Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a taxi.

She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming
absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called for a taxi. Says Mr. Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye): - I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine. - No, they're TEN!
- No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..."

Date: Sun, 19 Jun 1994 15:50:38 +0100
From: Saeros Heath
Subject: Desert Island (offensive to those bereaved by Titanic tragedy?)
Neville, Daniel and Rhonda are floating in a life boat after their ship had sunk in the Atlantic. Neville sits up and looks about. He sees an island on the horizon, but can't believe his eyes. After conferring w/ the other two, they decide that there is no such thing as group hallucination and paddle toward the island.

They have not been on the island long when it begins to rain. This is another miracle, and the three believe that God is w/ them.

The following day, early in the morning, Rhonda starts screaming and wakes the other two.
"It's a ship, it's a ship!" cries she. The other two rise from their somnulescent posture and look. Sure enough, there is a ship on the horizon.
"We're saved, we're saved!" cry they, and begin to dance around in circles. As the ship comes closer, Daniel peers to catch the name on the starboard side: "The Titanic" he reads out slowly.

Date: Sun, 19 Jun 1994 22:35:14 EDT
From: TG436@AOL.COM
Subject: doctor joke

A prominent physician was asked to speak to the Ladies' Auxiliary on "How to Improve Your Sex Life." Being a rather modest man, however, he couldn't bring himself to tell his wife the subject of his talk. He told her instead that it was called "Tips for Safe Sailing."
Several days later, the doctor's wife bumps into a woman at the supermarket who had attended the lecture.
"Your husband's speech was wonderful," she enthused. "He gave us so many great tips--he really knows what he is talking about!"
"That's odd," said the wife, "because he's only done it twice. The first time he got sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

Date: Mon, 20 Jun 1994 09:54:15 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: French humor - clean

A guy comes home, obviously extremely happy. As soon as he gets in the kitchen, he sees his wife and says: "Darling, pack your bags: I've won the lottery!" --"Great," she says, "what do I take, my summer things (Bahamas, Mauritius, Seychelles...) or my winter things (Chamonix, Val d'Isere...)?
--Both! Pack your bags; you're outta here!

A businessman who has just arrived in the upper crust society telephones his wife: "Hello, dear? I've just made a great business deal, and I've sent you a Ferrari and a Picasso. Did you get them?" "I think so," she says, "but which one is the Ferrari and which one is the Picasso?"
Date: Tue, 21 Jun 1994 10:16:01 -0500
From: NAME
Subject: Soccer humor - clean

A fire was blazing at a fabulous condominium in downtown Tokyo. Trapped on the top floor was the owner of a professional soccer team, who was screaming for help, clutching a priceless Chinese vase. Down on the ground, the firemen were helplessly holding a catcher, for their hi-tech fire engine could not get through the densely built-up area.
The owner refused to jump because the vase was too precious. He insisted that he would jump only if someone would catch his vase on the ground. The crowds jeered at his greed, but when the owner yelled out the name of his team's goalkeeper, they burst into applause.
The goalkeeper was called for, and arrived looking overwhelmed by the task he faced, but the owner-president had already let go of the precious vase, which in the next moment was in the trembling hands of the keeper. The crowd roared. The goalkeeper then waved the crowd away, placed the vase on the ground, tapped the toe of his right foot on the ground, and....

Date: Wed, 22 Jun 1994 13:36:58 CST
From: Rowdy Welch
Subject: General Humor

Two big city boys had gone out to the country for the first time. They were awestruck at the fresh air, beautiful scenery and the peacefulness. One turned and remarked to the other, "This place is wonderful, I'm surprised no city has been built here!"


On the first day of school, the teacher was explaining some of the policies of the class. When explaining the bathroom privileges, she said, "If anyone should need to go to the bathroom, they need to hold up two fingers."
After a moment of silence, one little boy asked, "How will that help??"

Date: Fri, 24 Jun 1994 11:30:05 +0100
From: "Elroy Bos {}" Subject: Belgians

How does a Belgian catch a fly ?
He chases it into a pasture and then closes the gate.

Two Belgian pilots are flying a Sabena airplane to Amsterdam
airport. When they approach the runway: 'Sjefke, that looks
like a very short runway'; 'Ok, as soon as we hit the ground,
immediately pull the brakes as hard as you can'. The pilot
puts the plain down and immediately pulls the brakes.. 'We are
not going to make it, brake harder !' But they do make it.
"pff, Sjefke, that was the shortest runway I've landed on in
my career'
Sjefke: 'But why is it so extremely wide ?'

Everyday On the same train in the same compartment are two
Dutch guys and two Belgians.
Dutch: 'Did you know we only travel with one ticket ?'
Belgian: 'No, how do you do that ?'
Dutch: 'When the conductor comes, we go to the bathroom toge-
ther. The conductor knocks on the door, and we slide the
ticket under the door.'
Belgian: 'That's cool'
A while later:
Belgian: 'We are travelling with one ticket now too !'
Dutch: 'That's nothing. We are travelling with no ticket at
Belgian: 'What ? How do you do that ?
Dutch: 'You will see'
Then the conductor comes. The Belgians stand up to go to the
bathroom. They enter and lock the door.
The two Dutch guys follow them and knock on the door of the
bathroom: 'Conductor here. You're ticket please.'

Date: Thu, 23 Jun 1994 20:34:08 -0700 (PDT)
From: Linda White
Subject: Tidbits from here and there......

> Torture the data for long enough and it will confess.
> [Favourite statistician's maxim]
"There are lies, there are damn lies, and then there are statistics."
--Mark Twain

Date: Thu, 23 Jun 1994 08:42:21 -0500
Subject: Re: Weather radio.

>Reading this thread about weather radio on AM/FM brings up another >question. The other day I was in the car and an FM station did their >test of the Emergency Broadcast System ("this is a is ONLY a >test", etc.). Now that the threat of nuclear war has decreased (for the >moment, anyway), what is EBS supposed to be used for? *IS* it ever used >(I've never heard it used for anything except the tests!). Couldn't it >be used for severe weather warnings?

I've heard it used for hurricane warnings on the coast of New England. I was scared witless the first time I heard an EBS hurricane warning, which was the day before Hurricane Gloria in September 1985. My first thought was "What! World War III _and_ a hurricane?!" (Just to make things worse, I was driving by the local twice-born Christian church in my hometown [then, Durham, NH], which had an abnormally large number of cars parked in its parking lot at the time, i.e, around 3:00pm on a midweek afternoon. I suppose there was just a funeral or something like that going on, but for a second I thought they were having a pre-Apocalypse prayer meeting in there.)

Date: Thu, 23 Jun 1994 08:40:10 -0600
To: Multiple recipients of list LORE
Subject: Re: Darwin fish with feet

remember the days of "I Found It" bumper stickers? My favorite riposte was a sticker that claimed "I Fondled It."

[from England]
Date: Wed, 22 Jun 1994 09:58:32 BST
To: Multiple recipients of list ARCH-L Subject: ice-man - relative claimed!

You may like to add this new item to your consideration of the ice-man DNA stories - it's quite genuine. Our local news here had a headlined item two days ago about a woman 'who had discovered a lost 5000-yr old relative'. It seems that she had for some years been interested in the DNA work being done by the Oxford lab, had visited the lab some time ago and had had a strand of her red (a lot was made of that) hair analysed. A few weeks ago they rang her up - after completing the DNA analysis on the ice-man, they compared the DNA analysis with some of those they had on file, and concluded that she was a descendant of the (red-haired) ice-man! While the content of the story is entirely true, the end-tag was pure journalese - she was leafing through her family photograph album, looking forward to adding a picture of the ice-man to it....!

Naturally, the genetic descendants of a person 5000 years old must number in the hundreds of thousands at least, so it's not a major coincidence, I suppose.
The DNA analysis is supposed to have scotched any idea that the body was 'introduced' fraudulently into the ice, in the form of a putative south american mummified body. But there are still questions about the whole find, as any examination of the circumstances of the initial finding of the body and treatment of the surrounding area will show. There's more to come from this little corner yet, I'd say!

Date: Fri, 24 Jun 1994 10:24:00 -0400
From: Alan Rosenberg
Subject: Parochial School (off. to Catholics?)

There once was a Jewish boy who was completely uncontrollable
by his parents and teachers. He was always getting into trouble in school, fighting, talking back to teachers, and failing to
do any work.

His parents, becoming increasingly distraught, moved him from
one school to the next, desperately seeking an environment
that could control the boy and give him something in the way
of an education. After exhausting all of the public schools
and the non-sectarian private schools, they came upon their
last resort - the local Catholic school.

Well, the boy began classes on a Monday, and his parents
waited nervously for the first report of trouble. They
heard nothing from the school that day, or the next, or the
next. Finally, when their son had finished his first week
without the slightest difficulty, they confronted him to
ask what it was that caused him to change his behavior so

"Well", he replied, "all those other schools just let me do
whatever I wanted. But when I walked into this place, and
saw that guy hung up on the wall, I knew these people meant

Date: Fri, 24 Jun 1994 08:42:53 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 5.2 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 5 Jul 89
"The world is full of people who want to live forever but don't know how to spend a rainy Sunday afternoon."

Q: What was the last thing Jesus said at the Last Supper?
A: "OK, everbody onto this side of the table so we can all get into the picture !"

Why is there a fence around a grave yard
Because people are dying to get in.

What kind of key opens the gate to the graveyard
A skeleton key.

Among the first discoveries made possible by artificial earth
satellites were belts of strong radiation, named after Dr. James VanAllen, circa 1958. An scientist of oriental ancestry, named Fan, made the discovery almost simultaneously but VanAllen published first. The Earth narrowly missed having a Fan Belt.


One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground. Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish workman's hand and ernestly says "Sir, we will share this just like Russian - Polish comrades should" and the Polish guy says "Oh no, 50 - 50".

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea. As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're *very* drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:
"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:
"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"

Date: Fri, 24 Jun 1994 17:38:35 EDT
From: (Shaw Mr. G)
Subject: Found this in Aus.Jokes

Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the pearly gates.

St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.

Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of sombre people singing hymns, praising the Lord (and probably writing Ada:-). He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic :-). Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.

Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.

St Peter: No worries. You've got it.

Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't work it out.

Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?

St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version.
Date: Mon, 27 Jun 1994 23:15:42 -0500
From: Andrew Wagner
Subject: circus joke (PG-13)

The circus train was coming to this small country town, when it derailed. The derailment caused the gorilla cage to open, and the prize male gorilla escaped.

The gorilla ran to a farm, and climbed a tree near the farmer's house. The farmer saw the gorilla up in the tree, and called the police. "There's a gorilla in my tree", panicked the farmer. The police officer on the other end of the phone reassured the farmer that there was as specialist with the circus, who dealt with this on a regular basis, and that he would contact the circus, and have the man sent to the farmer's house directly.

A few minutes later, the man arrived at the farmer's front door and surveyed the situation. He had with him his trusty dog,"Lamar", a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun.

The man told the farmer he would need his assistance to help get the gorilla out of the tree, and captured. The farmer said, "Fine."
The man told the farmer he would climb halfway up the tree and shake the gorilla out of the tree. He explained that when the gorilla hit the ground, Lamar was specially trained to run up to the gorilla, grab the gorilla's balls with hie teeth, and hold on no matter what.

When the gorilla reaches down to pull Lamar off, the man told the farm- er to slap on the handcuffs, and the gorilla would be subdued.

The farmer asked the man to repeat the instructions to make sure he had them correct, and the man did. The farmer thought for a second, and asked the man from the circus, "Just one question. What is the shotgun for?" The man from the circus replied, "In the unlikely event that the gorilla shakes me from the tree, YOU SHOOT LAMAR!!"

Date: Tue, 28 Jun 1994 10:01:21 +0100
From: Phillip Bresnahan
Subject: Offensive to Chemists

A man goes into a chemists one day and starts giggling. The chemist asks what the man wants and the man replies that he wants a three pack of condoms. Still giggling, he exits the shop after making his purchase. The next day the same man goes into the chemists. When the chemist asks what he wants, the man starts laughing and manages to reply that he'd like a three pack of condoms. The chemist thinks this highly unusual behavior, but serves him and the man departs. The day after, the man comes into the chemists again. This time he's roaring with laughter and can hardly speak but still manages to ask for a three pack of condoms. The chemist was perplexed. What was wrong with this guy? Was he on drugs or something? Anyway, the next day, the same man comes into the the chemists again. He can hardly walk because he's laughing uncontrollably. But still he manages to gesture towards a three pack of condoms. After the man leaves, the chemist decides he's had enough and sends his assistant out to follow him and tell the chemist what he's up to. About twenty minutes later, the assistant returns to the shop laughing his head off. "Whats happened? What did he do? Where did he go?" said the chemist.
"He went to your house!" replied his assistant.

Date: Tue, 28 Jun 1994 18:32:10 -0400
From: Bryant Wu
Subject: offensive language and sexual references

What the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut has sex with everyone, and a bitch has sex with everyone but you.
Date: Wed, 29 Jun 1994 10:15:42 LCL
From: Alar Pardla
Subject: 4 women after holidays

4 women are returning from their holidays. (they all were on holidays without their husbands)

First woman said: "When I reach home I tell my husband about ALL what happened on my vacation." (PS. and she ment ALL!)

Second woman thinks: "What an idiot!"

Third one thinks: "What a brave woman we have here!"

Fourth one thinks: "What a memory!"

Date: Wed, 29 Jun 1994 10:11:05 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Hillbilly humor

Two very drunk hillbillies were driving down a mountain road when suddenly they blew a tire, lost control of the car and went sailing over the cliff's edge.

As they plummeted downward, the hillbilly on the passenger side screamed hysterically, "Oh, my God, Clem, we're gonna die!"

"Aw, don't worry about a thing," Clem reassured him, looking below. "There's a stop sign at the bottom."


The hillbilly was whitewashing the interior of his country outhouse and had the misfortune of falling through the opening. Standing knee-deep in shit, he hollered, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded to the alarm on the double, with tires squealing and sirens screaming as they skidded to a halt in front of the privy.
"Where's the fire?" called the chief.

"Ain't no fuckin' fire," replied the farmer as they hoisted him out of the two-holer, "but who the hell would've rescued me if I'd yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!'?"

Date: Wed, 29 Jun 1994 10:06:37 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 5.4 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 6 Jul 89
Life is like a roller coaster, but I'm glad to be tall enough to ride
"The more people I meet the more I like my dog."

Do you know why the Pope always kisses the ground when he arrives for a visit?? No?.... apparently you never flew with Air Italia!!!

How can you tell when a belgium is a electrician?
He is all black and burned....

How many Belgiums do you need to milk a cow?
24. Four to hold the udder and 20 to move the cow up and down...
You better not sink
You better not float
You better not dangle your feet from a boat

In Great Britain, British Airways performs "birdstrike" tests on aircraft by shooting deceased chickens from special cannons directly at the windshield of the aircraft (not an unusual practice). It seems that the major British RR (can't remember the name) decided to cash in on a little publicityby anouncing that their trains are just as good as aircraft. To prove it, they called the media for a demonstration of a birdstrike test on their engine. Well, when the cannon was fired, the chicken went through the windshield, broke the backrest of the engineers seat and put a dent in the wall. Dumbfounded and embarrased, they soon realized someone had loaded a frozen chicken in the cannon.

One of the problems dealt with during the training of Southern
Baptist ministers is how to handle those uncomfortable situations in which, while the minister would be forbidden to lie, the truth would be hurtful if not down right cruel.

As a particular case, when faced with a particularly ugly baby --and, sadly, they do exist-- the prospective minister is taught to throw up his hands while emitting a delighted "Why! It's a baby!".
So our scene shifts to a large Baptist convention. The Bishop, making the rounds, comes upon a young newly ordained minister who is also a recent, proud papa. Looking down, the Bishop says "Why, it's a baby!", whereupon the young minister decks him.


On a poster:

It's not my place to run the train
The whistle I can't blow
It's not my place to say how far
The train's allowed to go
It's not my place to shoot off steam
Nor even clang the bell
But let the damn thing jump the track
And see who catches Hell!

Date: Thu, 7 Jul 1994 12:55:00 -0400
From: "david (d.) ardman"
Subject: Joke (mildly off)

a young lady steps into gynocologists' office

young lady(low voice):I'm looking for the gynocologist's office... doctor :Yes,I will be with you in a minute
young lady(nervous) :I'm sorry, This is a mistake, I shouldn't be here I...I'm actually looking for the dentist's office. doctor :Well let me know your decision, so I'll know how to set up the chair

Date: Mon, 11 Jul 1994 08:41:01 -0400
From: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642" Subject: Offensive to lawyers...

There was this couple that was going to be married. They were all ready to go. The hall was booked; the church was booked; the date was set; etc. Then, quite suddenly, the Lord calls them home.

Upon reaching heaven, the asked St. Peter if they could still proceed with the wedding. After some thought, St. Peter replied, "Gee, I don't know. This is the first time anyone has come to me with this one. I'll have to get back to you on it."

Well, more than a year goes by and finally, St. Peter gets back to them. "Good news folks, I've found a priest and we can proceed with your wedding. Are you still interested?" Well, the lady was willing and able but the man was beginning to have second thoughts. "Gee, I don't know now. Is divorce allowed in heaven," he asked. St. Peter looked rather taken aback. "Now see here," St. Peter said, "it took me over a year to find a priest up here in heaven. I'll never find a lawyer!"

Date: Mon, 11 Jul 1994 17:29:23 +0000
From: Raimund Hoevelmann
Subject: German army

The soldier is allowed to begin swimming without a special
order of his seargant if the depth of the water he is marching
in is more than half a meter.

Date: Tue, 12 Jul 1994 12:39:09 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Early Am. almanac humor: allusion to Socrates

Scorates, when under sentence of death, was visited by a friend, who expressed great grief for him, that he was condemned to die innocent. "What," said Socrates, with a smile, "would you have me die guilty?" (An Almanack for 1798)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.

Date: Tue, 12 Jul 1994 16:59:29 PDT
From: Cindy Parker
Subject: The 9 Types of Bosses -
O.K.! It's been an awfully long time since I've made a post to the list, and now I think it's time to contribute again. As usual, this little ditty was taken from MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL". See if you can find *your* boss! (As I sit here cautiously, keeping an eye out for mine, in case he passes by; mouse set on the minimizer button...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. "THE ANGRY BEHEMOTH" - "I don't pay you to think. I pay you to cringe while I scream and rant."
AKA: The Ape, Mr. Tantrum, Grumpy, The Grouch, Ol' Flaring Nostrils. HOW TO HANDLE: Hide, make snickering remarks to co-workers. WARNING: Stupider [sic] than s/he looks.

2. "THE ROBOT FROM PLANET X" - "Your 10-minute break is over in 5 minutes."
AKA: The Bureaucrat, The Watcher, The Thing With The X-Ray Eyes, The Living Dead, Ice Machine, Zombie (or Zombina).
HOW TO HANDLE: Conceal all feelings.
WARNING: Contagious.

3. "MR. SOFTY" - "Gosh, I don't know about that. I'll just have to think abut it for a while. I just... " AKA: Whatitsname, Squishy, The Pushover, Jellyfish, Moving Target. HOW TO HANDLE: Gently.
WARNING: Causes drowsiness.

4. "THE SLIPPERY EEL" - "Just keep quiet and do your job and 12 to 24 months from now I think you're due for a surprise. No promises." AKA: The Manipulator, The Liar, The Sneak, The Genius.
HOW TO HANDLE: Run for your life.
WARNING: S/he's everywhere.

AKA: The Lurking Unknown, The Creeping Unknown, The Hiding Unknown. HOW TO HANDLE: Watch and wait.
WARNING: Bites when cornered.

6. "THE SPITTING COBRA" - "Good morning. What an ugly shirt. It figures. Oh, cheer up."
AKA: The Snapping Turtle, Poison Ivy, The Pesky Irritant, Oh No. HOW TO HANDLE: Boil with rage (silently).
WARNING: Your head may explode.

7. "THE HORNY TOAD" - "Let's forget about work and just relax. How about a little drink? This could be your big break. Just kidding. Jeez, relax."
AKA: Sleazebucket, Slimeball, Scumbag, Handsome Devil.
HOW TO HANDLE: Say fergit it.
WARNING: Could result in termination, or worse -- marriage.
8. "WONDER BOSS" - "Good news everyone. Because of a great year of fun and profits, I have hefty bonuses and a generous profit-sharing plan for all of you!"
AKA: I Don't Believe It, God, Perfection, What A Guy (or Gal). HOW TO HANDLE: Throw caution to the wind.
WARNING: Could be Slippery Eel in disguise.

9. "THE PSYCHOTIC BOSS-MONSTER FROM HELL" - "How DARE you duck when I throw things at you!!"
AKA: The Rampaging Beast-Thing, Unreasonable, Here Comes Trouble, Yessir Right Away Sir.
HOW TO HANDLE: Cower, hope for heart attack.
WARNING: Don't let it see this [post].

Date: Wed, 13 Jul 1994 04:15:56 EDT
From: Allan McKellar
Subject: (U) Lunch, the IBM Way Part 1/2

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch.

This was my first experience in an IBM cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which began...

MMU's (Main Menu Units)
00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order condiments 00110A separately
001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer.
The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir ?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink ?" "No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like ?" I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger ?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it ?"
"I don't have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more." "Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002 'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers.

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and without the burger and cheese ? It'd be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided, sir ?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish.

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration."
"Why not ?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."

Date: Thu, 14 Jul 1994 16:35:33 EST
From: Julia Price
Subject: St. Peter's Gate
Waiting in line outside of St. Peter's gate one day were three
men and their daughters who all died in a huge car accident.
There was a Jew, and Irishman and a Greek. The Jew was first in line, and as he came up to the desk, St. Peter shook his hand
effusively and welcomed him to Heaven.

"Ah, Isaac! I am so glad to see you here. You have been a good man in your life, you have abstained from liquor and been kind to people. You may go on in. Oh, by the way, what is the name of your lovely daughter?"

The Jew proudly replied, "Penny."

St. Peter exploded. "All you jews are the same. All you do is think about money. You even name your kids after it! Go to

And the Jew and his daughter began to walk dejectedly to hell.

Next in line was the Irishman, who was also greeted with a
friendly handshake. "Patrick, my friend, you have been a good, kind man in your life -- giving freely to the poor, I would like to welcome you to Heaven. By the way, what is your daughter's

"Brandy," the Irishman replied.

Once again, St. Peter exploded. "All you Irishmen are the same! All you think about is liquor! You even name your kids after it! Go to Hell."

As the Irishman and his daughter started on the path to Hell, the Greek turned to his daughter and said, "Fanny, I think we're in trouble now!"

Date: Fri, 15 Jul 1994 05:24:32 EDT
From: Allan McKellar
Subject: (U) Lunch, the IBM Way Part 2/2

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries ?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." This confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off belief. "Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported ?" "Support ?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.

"Implementation assistance ?"

"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis ?"

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support ?"

"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials ?"

"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table ? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away."
I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with IBM I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

Date: Sun, 10 Jul 1994 11:01:43 E
From: Charlie Hill
Subject: Life's Little Truths (Part 6)

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Finagle's Creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.

From: on Tue, Jul 19, 1994 1:53 PM
Subject: FW: Suicide, Accident or Homicide?

Suicide, Accident or Homicide?

For those of you who were unable to attend the Awards Dinner during the Annual Meeting in San Diego, you missed a tall tale on complex forensics presented by AAFS President Don Harper Mills in his opening remarks. The following is a recount of Dr. Mills' story...
"On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedent had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers and that the decedent would not have been able to complete his intent to commit suicide because of this.
Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events with a suicide intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might be not what he intended. That he was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not change his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicide intent would not have been achieved under any circumstance caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.
Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun because of an interspousal spat and became so upset that he could not hold the shotgun straight. Therefore, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking the decedent.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. The old man was confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were adamant in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. It was the longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife with an unloaded shotgun. He had no intent to murder her; therefore, the killing of the decedent appeared then to be accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
But *further* investigation turned up a witness that their son was seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal accident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady) had cut off her son's financial support and her son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mother murdered. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

Date: Wed, 3 Aug 1994 08:47:21 -0800
From: "Dr. David Lustig"
Subject: crude whorehouse joke

This old guy goes into a whorehouse and announces that he wants a woman with syphilis. He's told to go into the first room on the left and wait. Shortly later a woman joins him and he asks her if she has syphilis. She tells him emphatically that she does *not*. He sends her away and tells her to find one who does.

Another woman comes in, admits she doesn't have syphilis and is sent out for one who does. The third woman, finally, answers that she *does* have syphilis. They have taken care of their business when the woman says to the old man, "I have to admit, I don't really have syphilis." "Well" he replies, "you do now......."

Date: Thu, 4 Aug 1994 07:28:47 EST
From: Clarity Hands
Subject: Humor: getting rich quick

Getting Rich Quickly

Legal methods:
1. Marry someone who is already rich.
2. Have a rich person die and will you their money.
3. Strike oil.
4. Discover gold.
5. Win the lottery.

Illegal methods:
6. Rob a bank.
7. Blackmail someone who is rich.
8. Kidnap someone who is rich and get a big ransom.
9. Become a drug dealer.

For completeness sakes:
10. "If you really want to make a lot of money, start your own religion."

Date: Mon, 8 Aug 1994 09:22:52 -0800
From: John Drislane
Subject: The Efficient Waiter (mildly off-color)

A man who had come into some money needed a tax writeoff, so he bought a restaurant that was losing money. After a few months, he decided he liked the restaurant and wanted to make a go of it. So he hired an efficiency expert.
"I'm going on vacation for three weeks," he told the efficiency expert. "When I get back, I want to see that restaurant operating in the black." Three weeks go by, and our friend returns from vacation. He disguises himself, goes to the restaurant, and gets a table. The place is a beehive of activity--tables filled, waiters coming and going.
A waiter soon comes to our friend's table to take his order. As he's giving his order, the owner notices a spoon in the waiter's breast pocket. "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" he asks.
"Oh, that's the efficiency expert's idea," replies the waiter. "You see, customers often need an extra spoon for their meal, and the waiter's station is in the back of the restaurant. By carrying a spoon in our pockets, we save time and serve the customers better."
The owner thought about this, and was pleased with the change in attitude. As the waiter turned to go, the owner stopped him again.
"Excuse me, but I notice that you have a piece of string hanging out of your fly," he said to the waiter.
"Oh, that's the efficiency expert's idea, too," the waiter replied. "You see, we often have to use the restroom during our shift, and state law requires that we wash our hands every time we go to the bathroom. By using the string, I don't have to touch myself, so I don't have to wash my hands. This saves a lot of time."
"Well," said the owner, "I can see how you get it out with the string, but how do you put it back?"
"Well sir," said the waiter, "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."

Date: Wed, 10 Aug 1994 11:48:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
Subject: Jokes from my kid

To resume my contributions after my vacation leave a couple of jokes from my daughter plus one from my father-in-law.

(Background: In South-west Wales the people of the coastal town of Cardigan have a reputation of being extremely tight-fisted with their money. You'll also need to know that there are 100 pence in a UK pound and that currently beer in the UK sells for well over 1 pound.)

An American tourist was travelling round Wales one summer and happened to be driving through the delightful town of Cardigan on one hot day. He decided to call into one of the pubs (bars) to sample some of this famous British ale. He parked next to one pub that looked reasonably old and quaint and entered. At the bar he asked the barman for a pint. As this was being poured the tourist looked around to see that there were a bunch of men sat in a corner without any drinks. When the barman served him his drink he said that the tourist was very lucky as that day was the pub's 200th anniversary and so to celebrate all drinks were being sold at the same price as in force 200 years ago. Therefore the pint would only cost him 1 pence. The tourist was indeed delighted at his good fortune and duly paid the 1 pence. Looking around the room again the tourist saw the bunch of grim-faced men sat without a drink, so he asked the barman why these men didn't have any drinks - especially on this day when prices were so cheap. The barman explained that the men were all Cardies (ie. locals) and they were waiting for happy hour.

(And for the uninitiated happy hour is when drinks are served at half-price.)
Why do giraffes have such long necks?

Because they have smelly feet.

Why do hippos drink so much water?

Because they don't like tea or coffee.

Date: Wed, 10 Aug 1994 07:11:04 -0500
From: "Steve, Ext. 2337"
Subject: Risque Joke with an adult theme

"Ya'all have any AMERICAN razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist, "All I see are these damn Wilkensons!"
"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkenson has been producing the finest steel surgical instrument, weapons, and razors since before Waterloo." "I don't give a hoot if they passes em' out on Noah's ark if they ain't any good today!" replied the Texan.
"I can assure you they are VERY good, sir," the peeved druggist said, "Why just last year, my wife happened to swallow a Wilkenson. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated the chauffeur, cut off two of the butler's fingers at the knuckle- and I STILL got ten good shaves out of it!"

Date: Wed, 10 Aug 1994 16:41:03 +0100
From: "Elroy Bos {}" Subject: Several jokes

Grandma, 87 years old, is walking down the street.
From the opposite direction comes a young man.
'Help !', grandma suddenly cries out 'Help ! Rape !'
The man is scared and tries to calm her down: 'Ssst,
be calm, I have no intention of raping you.'
Grandma: 'Too bad. But you can't keep me from hoping'

Two clochards were walking under a bridge, when they
saw a dead cat.
'Finally something to eat' said clochard no 1 and
immediately started to eat the dead cat. The other
clochard sat down, but didn't start eating.
'Why don't you eat ?' clochard 1 asked.
Clochard 2: 'I wait until you throw up, I prefer
my dinner warm'

A boy visited a prostitute. It was his first time.
Before they started, the prostitute made him wear a condom. 'What's that for ?' he asked. 'That's so that I don't get pregnant', she replied. Then, he had the greatest
experience of his yet young and innocent life.
Six weeks later the boy returned. He said: 'I was wondering, can you still get pregnant ?' 'Yes, of course' she
answered, 'why do you ask ?'
'I'd like to know when I can take the condom off'

Date: Wed, 10 Aug 1994 16:15:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K."
Subject: Product Announcement

World Wide Product Announcement

LAFAYETTE, IN -- November 9, 1991 -- After nine months of intense development, Curry & Curry are proud to announce the newest model in their product line, the Sean Mason.


The Sean Mason represents the current state of the art, including such advanced features as a neural-network-based central processing unit (CPU), short- and long-term on-line data storage (memory), and a self-learning, self-teaching operating system with automatic heuristic development, error detection, and error correction.

The Sean Mason also comes equipped with a variety of peripherals including two five-digit manipulators which can also function as small arithmetic processing units (APUs); an input port that will accept data in liquid formats (solid formats are under development); two output ports for liquid and solid data formats; one variable-volume, variable-pitch audio output device; two audio input devices with 20-20,000 Hz frequency response; two video input devices which may be used independently or combined for stereo vision tasks; and self-propulsion.

The initial operating system shipped with the Sean Mason is primitive, and will require a good deal of instruction from the end user. Fortunately, most end users find this instruction process very self-rewarding. As the neural network becomes more adept at simple tasks, the operating system rapidly becomes capable of self-modification, resulting in a greatly increased rate of development. During this time, the operating system will devise and conduct numerous experiments, some of which may be hazardous or otherwise undesirable. When the unit enters this mode, the TIMEOUT and SPANK
debuggers may prove useful for correcting the problem.


CRY, an audible alarm indication, is triggered upon input queue underflow or output queue overflow. As the operating system accumlates more data, it eventually develops automatic input and output queue length regulation. SMILE, a visible alarm indication, is triggered upon underflow or overflow rectification, and also as a general sign of the unit's proper functioning. BURP, another audible alarm, indicates successful processing of available input.


When the video input peripherals are covered, this indicates that the unit is in its idle loop, used for automatic recharging. Initial recharging periods are short and irregular, but gradually they become regular, lasting for approximately 8 of every 24 hours. Termination of recharging mode may raise the CRY alarm condition.

After inital unpacking, the unit will require input every two to three hours. After input processing has been completed, one or both output devices
may be activated. Presence of output may be signalled by the CRY alarm condition.


The appearance of the unit, which reflects the current state of the art in exterior packaging, may cause irrational behavior in adults. This behavior is typified by "oohs", "aahs", and incomprehensible utterances commonly referred to as "baby talk".


Length: 19.5 inches
Weight: 8 lbs 1 oz


The prototype Sean Mason unit began functioning at 1:22pm EST today.

The production staff, although tired, are well and happy.

Date: Wed, 10 Aug 1994 22:54:30 -0500
From: Phyllis A Reile
Subject: Religious Tale

Sam Smith had lived an exemplary life. He was devoted to his family, faithfully attended his church, gave generously to a host of charities, and had a kind word for everyone.
After the death of his wife and the mourning period had passed, his friend said to him, "Sam, your a rich man. All your life you have done for others, and given yourself next to nothing. Now is your chance to have a good time, before the final curtain comes down!"
Sam took these words to heart. He went to a plastic surgeon, who made him look ten years younger. Next, he had himself fixed with a stylish hairpiece, and purchased a new wardrobe, designer sunglasses and a bright red Cadillac convertible.
Within a half hour he picked up a sexy young woman. But upon stopping at a red light, a bolt of lightning flashed down, killing him instantly. Standing before God, he said respectfully, "Lord, how could you do this to me? I'm Sam Smith. I have carried out your Commandments, and have lived a righteous life. Now, just when I was about to enjoy a few pleasures, why did you see fit to strike me down?"
God looked at him closely. "I'm sorry, Sam," he said. "I just didn't recognize you!"

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 02:52:24 EDT
From: Timothy Abicht
Subject: 1 Crude/1Clean Joke >Off. to Monkeys, Gays and Beards<
A gay man walks into a bar and sees two other men at the end of the bar playing with a monkey. Listening in, the gay man hears one say to the other, "Hey Bill, watch what this monkey can do!". He picks up his beer, chugs it down, slams the glass on the bar, and slaps the monkey. The monkey jumps down from the bar, runs around the man 3 times and starts giving him a blowjob.
"That's pretty cool", Bill says, "You mind if I give that a try?" "Sure", he says.
So Bill grabs his beer, chugs it down, slams the glass on the bar and slaps the monkey, The monkey jumps to the floor, runs around him 3 times, and starts
giving him a blowjob.
Shortly after, the gay man walks over to the two men with the monkey. "Hey guys", he says, "Do you mind if I give that a try?"
"Well, I suppose so", they say.
"Okay", he says, "But please don't slap me too hard."

: Beards. Do you like them? Hate them?
: Should I grow one?

It depends. Are you male or female?
Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 00:42:00 PDT
From: Jack Kolb
Subject: offensive to Microsoft?


10. Files can still vote for Mayor Daley even after they've been deleted

9. Marketing tie-in: new "Kibbles & 32-bits" dog food

8. New, more-realistic Microsoft Flight Simulator loses your

7. System events accompanied by audio clip of Super Fans saying "da Bearssssss..."


5. Automatically taps into bank computers and gives Bill Gates the *rest* of your money

4. For an additional $2.95 per minute, tech support operators will talk dirty

3. Authentic-looking spilled coffee on "desktop"

2. In order to start Lotus 1-2-3, user must be sitting in lotus position

And the number one unpublicized feature of Chicago ...

1. Strip solitaire

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 05:51:27 -0700
From: Gary Watson
Subject: Phone Repair

This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, ONT about an unusual telephone service call he handled while living in England.

It is common practice in England to signal a telephone subscriber by signaling with 90 volts across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signalled without disturbing each other.
This particular subscriber, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did manage to ring her dog always barked first. Torn between curiosity to see this psychic dog and a realization that standard service techniques might not suffice in this case, Pat proceeded to the scene. Climbing a nearby telephone pole and hooking in his test set, he dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat found:

a. Dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar
b. Dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current
c. After several jolts, the dog was urinating on ground and barking d. Wet ground now conducted and phone rang.

Which goes to prove that some grounding problems can be passed on.
Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 13:39:00 GMT
From: Sharath K S + 1 908 615 6082
Subject: Surd Jokes

I too have a sadarji joke - its only one . I'm afraid its a lot funnier in punjabi but here goes:
A sadarji was standing in front of a mirror and blowing at it. Now a friend of his, another sadar, comes up and says "what are you doing?"
a:"I'm blowing the eyelash out of my eye..."
the other sadar answers: "Fool, you can't do it like that. Ask him to blow it out for you!"

it is funnier in punjabi... Y There are a few more involving a former president of India who was a surd. Something along the line of sending him off to learn English. He comes back and the teacher asks him to recite the english alphabet, the reply is "which one? the small one or the captials ?"
Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 10:41:12 -0400
From: Sheldon Cheney
Subject: miscellaneous humor
"You know it's going to be a bad day..." in a couple of versions has appeared here repeatedly. In one version, there is one: When you guzzle a large soda then notice a drowned roach in the bottom of the bottle. That reminded me of something that happened to me in the early 1950s. I bought a bag of Fritos and ate them. I reached down into the corner of the bag and got the last chip and raised it to my mouth and was about to pop it in when my peripheral vision told me the chip didn't look quite right and my fingers told me the chip didn't feel quite right. I pulled the chip back away from my mouth and looked at it. It was a french fried roach. I dropped the roach back into the bag and wadded up the bag, then said, "I'm glad the roach was the last thing I pulled out of the bag. If it had been the first thing, I wouldn't have enjoyed eating the corn chips anywhere nearly as much."
On yesterday's posting, my subject line said ...limerick.. Later, I realized I had rhymes/poems but not a limerick, so here is one: A decrepit old gas man named Peter,
While searching around for the meter,
Touched a leak with his light.
He arose out of sight,
And as you can tell from reading this limerick, he also destroyed the meter.

another: There once was a girl who begat,
Three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat.
'Twas fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat.
Two cars collide. Both drivers, slightly injured, stumble out of their cars. One pulls out a bottle of whiskey and offers it to the other, saying, "Man, you look real shakey. Better have something to steady your nerves." The other driver takes the bottle and drinks a big swig, then hands the bottle back. A few minutes, the driver offers the other the bottle again and he takes another big swig and hands the bottle back, then asks, somewhat puzzled, "Aren't you going to have some too?" "Oh, lord no! Not 'til the cops have been here and left."
A wealthy society matron had to go somewhere with her daughter rather late at night. They are riding through downtown New York - Manhattan - in a taxi. The daughter asks, "Mother, why do I keep seeing women standing on the sidewalk so late at night?" The matron replies, "They are waiting for their husbands to get off from work." The taxi driver says, "Jesus Christ, lady! Why don't you tell her the truth? Those are prostitutes selling sex, looking for customers." The matron is furious. The daughter thinks for a minute, then says, "Mother, if those women have sex with every man who pays them, what happens to the babies they have?" The matron says, icily, "They grow up to be taxi drivers!" -------------
Why do baby ducks walk softly?
They can't walk, hardly.

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 10:10:25 -0600
From: Raghu S
Subject: Re: Several jokes

A young woman reports to a policeman that a "strange" man had followed her up to her hotel room, closed the door, forced her onto the bed, tore off all her clothes, and then ran away with her purse. The policeman asks, "Are there any witnesses? Did anyone hear you scream?" "No of course not," the lady replies, "How could I have known he was going to rob me."

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 13:55:18 -0400
From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now."
Subject: Humor: Child versions of some events...

Child's Garden of Versions
Some oil had leaked onto our driveway, and in the sunshine it acted like a prism, showing many different colors. When my grandson saw it he came running into the house. "Grandma!" he called. "Come see the dead rainbow in the driveway!"

While reading to my young son, I noticed that he was getting drowsy. As I started to put the book away he awoke enough to say, "Don't stop, Daddy. Sometimes my ears stay up later than my eyes."

A ten-year-old boy was telling some of his friends about the high-school football injury his teen-age brother had sustained. "It was a groan injury - and he groaned a lot."

An elementary-school teacher happened to be left-handed.
A pupil commented one day, after watching her write, "Mrs. B, did you know that your arms are on backward?"

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 16:30:10 -0500
From: NAME
Subject: Another rape joke (old)

A freshman ran to the dorm mother's room crying that she had been raped by a man who broke into her room thru the window. The gentle dorm mother trying to calm her down and decide what to do next finally said, "We'll report this right away to the police, but first I have to go to the kitchen to get you a lemon." The girl, surprised, asked what the lemon was for. The dorm mother said, "Well, we have to wipe the smile off your face, don't we?"

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 17:20:26 EST
From: Clarity Hands
Subject: Humor about big city ways

Two Southern elderly spinster sisters were rockng on their porch one day when one turned to the other and said, "Florabelle, I have had it. I want to live before I die so I'm going to New York City." "Oh Mirabelle." replied the other, "But New York City is so dangerous." "That is why I am going."

She left and returned two weeks later and her sister asked, "Dear Mirabelle what did you see in New York City?" "Oh dear sister, I haveseen things that we have never seen in these parts before." she replied. "Do tell, Do Tell." emplored Floabelle.

"Well sister, there are men in New York City who kiss other men on the mouth." "Ooooooh Mirabelle, Mirabelle and what do they call such men?" she asked. "They call these men Gays" replied the traveled sister. "Oh my stars. Do tell what other sights you have seen." begged the sister.

"Well sister, there are women in New York City who kiss other women on the mouth." "Ooooooh Mirabelle, Mirabelle my stars. And what do they call such women?" she begged. "They call these women Lesbians" replied the traveled sister. "Oh goodness gracious. Do tell what other sights you have seen." begged the sister.

"Well sister, there are young men in New York City who for a small fee will lie down next to you with their naked body and place their private parts into your private parts." "Ooooooh Mirabelle, Mirabelle and what do they call such young men?" she asked. "Well." replied the traveled sister "When I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 18:02:45 -0500
From: Archie Andrews
Subject: Surds

Sharath has really set off a wave of Surd jokes. I couldn't help contributing on the same lines.

Two Surds were once going uphill on a tandem bicycle(is that what they call a bicycle which 2 can ride at the same time ?). After a lot of puffing and panting, they both reached the top of the hill. The Surd riding in the front claimed that he had exerted the most energy. The Surd sitting behind replied,"No way. I spent more energy holding on to the brakes lest we would go down again."

Date: Mon, 15 Aug 1994 16:08:29 +1000
From: Maricel Mata Abraham
Subject: Baby Blues
In a hospital emergency room, a nurse was helping a pregnant woman to get through her first birth. The woman has been in labor for 20 hours and was unconcious on the bed while the baby was just about to come out. The nurse quickly hoisted the woman's legs up and out and glanced at the "hole". She was shocked! The baby's head came out of the hole and peered towards the nurse. The baby asked the nurse in a very cute voice, "Are you my father?"

The nurse replied, "No." The baby then slid back inside. The nurse, coming out of her shock, ran to the doctor outside the room and told him to check it out. The doctor examined the hole and a few minutes later, the baby's head poked out and asked, "Are you my father?" to the doctor. This physician was amazed. This has never happened before. He replied, "No," and watched as the baby once again went back inside.

The doctor quickly ran to the father of the child who was waiting outside and told him to see a miracle happening. The father crouched down and squinted at the hole. Lo and behold! The baby inquisitively looked out from the hole and asked him, "Are you my father?"

The father, with awe in his voice, answered, "Yes." The baby then reached out and poked his father's head repeatedly with a strong finger. The father, confused, then asked the baby, "What's that for?"

The baby then replied, "Now you know how it feels."

Date: Fri, 12 Aug 1994 11:46:32 EDT
From: Michael Betsy
Subject: Dumb Guy On Airplane

A dumb guys is sitting on an airplane, enjoying his free peanuts. Suddenly the pilot comes over the intercomm and states, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've lost one of our engines. This will cause us to be an hour delayed". Several minutes later he comes on again and says, "We've lost a second again, this will delay us for an additional hour".
A bit later in the flight the pilot comes on and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen I regret to inform you that we've lost a third engine. This will make us 3 hours behind".
The dumb guy turns to the passenger next to him and says, "Hell, if we lose that 4th engine we're gonna be up here all night!".

Date: Sat, 13 Aug 1994 01:47:53 EDT
From: Michael Betsy
Subject: Dumb Guy (Again)

A dumb guy and his 2 friends stop at a farmhouse for the night. The man of the house puts the men up for the night, but not before warning them to keep their hands off his daughter, who'll be sleeping right down the hall.
Obviously the men can't resist the farmer's daughter (if they could this would be a pretty crappy joke). At about 2am the first guy starts creeping down the dark hallway. The farmer jumps out of bed with his shotgun and yells, "Who's There !". The guy quietly goes "Meeow", sending the farmer back to bed. Then the second guy tries his luck, and when the farmer asks what's causing the noise the guy replies, "Meeow". The dumb guy decides he'll have better luck and give it a go. He steps on a creaky floor board and wakes the farmer again. The farmer yells, "Who's there !!!", and the dumb guy quietly replies, "It's the cat".

Date: Mon, 15 Aug 1994 09:49:44 -0600
From: John Jolly
Subject: Dumb Guy Joke (off to dumb guys and prison guards, clean)
A friend of mine, employed as a prison maintenance worker, tells this one.

Three guys, one dumb, in a high-security prison were making plans to escape. In preparation, each guy had his own way of working out. The first smart guy studied up in the library on tactical manuvers. The second smart guy would work out in the weight room. The third, dumb, guy would build his stamina running around the prison track.

Finally, the planned day came. In the dark of the night the tree inmates escaped the prison fence and began to run. Of course, the first guy lagged behind as the second smart guy pulled away and the third, dumb guy shot away. The prison guards, detecting a break, released the dogs and began the chase.

As the dogs got closer, the first guy thought hard about what to do. Suddenly, he darts up the nearest tree. When the dogs surround the tree, barking, the escaped prisoner lets out, "Meow, meow".

The prison guards yell at the dogs, "It's a stupid cat, you mangy mutts, now get after those escapees!" And the dogs resume their chase.
Now the dogs got close to the second, weightlifting prisoner. Being the smart fellow that he is, he tries to emulate the trick the first pulled. He climbs a tree and as the dogs surround the tree, the prisoner begins to go, "Hoot, hoot".

"You idiot dogs! It's an owl! Get after those escapees!" And the dogs resume their chase.

The third, stupid prisoner, had quite the head-start, but he wasn't fast enough. He thought about the first two prisoners and figured, what's good for them is good for me. So, he scrambles up the nearest tree and as the dogs approach, begins to go, "Moo, moo"

When the prison guards approach, they yell, "For the love of mike! it's just a friggen cow you dumb dogs!" So the dogs resume their chase.
Date: Mon, 15 Aug 1994 23:42:00 LCL
From: Aaron Howell
Subject: another irish joke

Mick was wandering around looking rather depressed.
He campe e ap upon Paddy.
Paddy said, "what's up, you look awfully glum mate"
Mick said "yeah, my mother just died."
Paddy says "gee, that's terrible mate."
To which Mick responds "yeah, and to make matters worse, my brother just rang me to tell me his mother died too."

Date: Tue, 16 Aug 1994 12:39:23 EST
Subject: Bartering for auto repairs (some rough lang.)

By the time someone posts this urban legend to the list, it's too late to tell him/her not to post it. And although I don't read or any other newsgroups, I can tell you don't bother posting it on EAT-L, FOODWINE or LOWFAT. I proposed a suggestion to EAT-L's listowner that she incorporate a stern admonishment NOT EVER EVER to post the cookie legend in the list's welcome message. Which she did, although her version of the admonishment was quite polite
and perhaps too diplomatic. A newbie posted it anyway, proving either she was too polite or that people don't read those welcome messages any more.
By way of this post, I am beseeching Fearless Listowner to consider putting in a paragraph to HUMOR's intro message along the same lines. Knowing him, F.L. would not be quite so abstruse in his exhortation to keep the samn cookie myth off HUMOR. (BTW, a bunch of us tried the recipe and it sucks. Nuff said.)

Prefatory note to obligatory humor: Evinrude is a brand of powerboat motor widely sold in the U.S.
Obligatory humor: A woman goes to an auto repair shop to get her Jaguar worked on. Turns out the car needs major work, more than she can afford. Being a rather comely lass, she suggests to the mechanic, "Maybe we could work out something, uh, in trade? Like...." and she gives our hero a seductive look.
"You mean you want to pay me in flesh?" the mechanic says. "Sure, why not?" she replies, licking her lips. He sizes her up and decides, what the heck, she's not half bad looking actually. So they go into a room in the back and do {use your imagination here} for a while. They come out both looking happy and satisfied. With the energy he has left, he keeps up his end of the bargain, fixing her car quite well. She drives away a happy woman, smiling and waving bye as she motors off. A few days later, our hero is working on another car when he sees the Jaguar pulling up, and he thinks, all right! But his glee quickly turns into out-and-out fear when the woman's husband gets out of the car. The husband finds the mechanic, gets right in his face and says, "You the guy who worked on this Jag?"
"Uh...uh..."is all our terrified hero can mutter in reply. "You screwed my wife in exchange for fixing the brakes, didn't you?" "Uh...uh...she asked for it!" the mechanic finally stammers. "It was her idea!! All I did was what she wanted!!"
"Never mind that shit," the husband says. "Listen, do you do Evinrudes?"

Date: Tue, 16 Aug 1994 16:15:00 PDT
From: "Larson, Mark"
Subject: Saying of the wk.

To err is human,
To forgive is against company policy.

Date: Wed, 17 Aug 1994 14:56:25 GMT+2
Subject: How to leave the planet

How to leave the planet:

1. Phone NASA. Their phone number is (731) 483-3111. Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.
2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House - (202) 456-1414 - to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
3. If you don't have any friends at the White House, phone the
Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.
4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is
5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.

( Douglas Adams in prologue to the omnibus version of The Htchiker's Guide To The Galaxy.)

Date: Wed, 17 Aug 1994 13:08:49 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem
Subject: Classified Ad

Lost: One small apricot poodle. Neutered. Like one
of the family.

Date: Thu, 18 Aug 1994 08:16:41 EDT
From: Allan McKellar

Rules-of-the-road - Indian style
Travelling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English.

The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

Indian traffic, like Indian society,is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods- carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat.
This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):
Cars (IV,1,a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could."
This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps (insouciant). Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above

All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.
Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker

Date: Tue, 23 Aug 1994 09:46:03 +1000
From: Maricel Mata Abraham
Subject: Jewish, Blonde, etc.

Q: What's the shortest book in the world?
A: Jewish Book of Free Gifts.

Q: A blonde and a brunette decided to jump off a bridge. Who would land on the water first?
A: Brunette coz the blonde would lose her way down.

Date: Tue, 23 Aug 1994 10:12:11 EST
From: Ron Barak
Subject: [Q] St. Peter's Position (might offend devout christians)
Here and there we see a joke concerning St. Peter guarding the Pearly Gates.
This prompts me to ask the following question: "who was guarding the gates before Saint Peter died ?"

Date: Wed, 24 Aug 1994 11:09:54 -0400
From: "The Meltz Inc."
Subject: Subj. would give riddle away
Q: What goes in long and hard, and comes out soft and sticky?
A: Gum

Date: Thu, 25 Aug 1994 17:12:50 GMT+1200
From: "Antonio V. de Jesus III"
Subject: communion

Priest : Body of Christ
Catholic : Sorry, I'm vegetarian.

Date: Thu, 18 Aug 1994 14:33:17 +0100
From: "Elroy Bos {}" Subject: Keys

Two men were talking in a bar.
1: 'How come you're so succesful with picking up women ?'
2: 'I'll tell you why. I go into a bar, order a drink, and casually put my car-keys with the Ferrari hanger on the counter. After they see the hanger, you can get any woman you want. All women love fast cars and rich men.' Two weeks later they meet again.
2: 'So how is it going ?'
1: 'I used your tip, I bought a Lambo-hanger, but still I haven't picked up a woman'
2: 'I'll tell you what's wrong. When you go to a bar and you sit down, always take your helmet of.'

As a follow up on the jokes about who was garding 'the pearly gates' before St. Peter died, I would like to tell you a joke from our theatre-program:
Two men talking:
1: 'St. Peter gards the key to heaven. And Jesus died before St. Peter did. So when Jesus came up to heaven, he couldn't even get in !'
2: 'So that's why he came back, to pick up the key !'

Date: Thu, 25 Aug 1994 09:42:39 EST
From: Clarity Hands
Subject: Humor: Briding the professor

A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% -- I get an A."
A month later the student approached the professor. "I don't under- stand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?"
The professor handed the student the exam book. The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% -- You fail!"

Date: Fri, 19 Aug 1994 15:47:19 EDT
From: Michael Betsy
Subject: Old Man/Thief (slight sex)

One night an elderly man arrives home to find a young woman robbing his apartment. She confesses to the crime and begs him not to call the cops. She goes as far as to offer to have sex with the old man. Seeing his opportunity and finding the woman quite attractive, the old man decides not to call the police. Several hours later the old man gives up his efforts to try and have his way with the girl. It seems that things just aren't working like they used to. He says, "I'm sorry young lady, but it seems that I'm simply incapable of doing this...I'm gonna have to call the cops."
Date: Thu, 25 Aug 1994 13:03:03 -0600
From: Lawrence Fatteicher
Subject: Airplanes and Fuel.(off. to Ukranians but a cute joke)
Two Ukranians (Mike and Nick)are hired by the Toronto airport to fuel planes. The person instructing them on their jobs says "Okay, any of the tankers around here can be used to fuel the planes except the one sitting over by the south hanger. That fuel is 100% alcohol and is to be only used for the Concord and no other planes." "No problem!!" say the two Ukranians.

Several days go by, Mike and Nick are busy fueling planes as they come in. One day a Concord lands. Mike and Nick run the tanker from the south hanger to the plane. As they are filling up the Concord, Mike gets an idea that the two of them should take some of this alcohol home. So while they are filling the plane they fill up two gallon jugs of alcohol as well.

That night, at home, Nick is thinking about this gallon of alcohol and pours a glass. He checks it out and has a couple drinks when the phone rings. Its Mike on the phone "Nick, so have you tried that alcohol." Nick says "Yah, not too bad, taste is pretty good stuff." Mike then says, "Yah, not too bad at all. Except for one thing, DON'T fart because I'm in Vancouver right now."
Date: Fri, 26 Aug 1994 13:14:28 GMT+1200
From: "Francis M. Mabayag III"
Subject: Clean!

Three criminals are always arguing about who among them is the smartest. The the day came that they will be executed in the
electric chair in public. The first criminal was made to sit on his death chair, when the switched was turned on, nothing happened. They thought it was some sort of a sign so he was set free. The second criminal followed and the same thing happened. He was also set free. When it was the turn of the third criminal, still nothing happened when the switch was turned on. They also decided to set him free. As he rose up from what would suppose to be his death chair, he said, "You know guys, if that red wire was connected to the positive and the black one to the ground....

Date: Fri, 19 Aug 1994 20:14:11 -0400
From: "Amy L. Ward"
Subject: Somewhat tasteless religious humor

A rabbi was visiting his old friend, a priest. The rabbi had never seen the practices in the church so he asks his friend if he could attend one of his sermons. The father says OK. After the sermon the confessions begin. The rabbi asks if he could sit behind and listen to the confessions. The priest agrees. A young man steps in the confessional and says

" Father, Father I have sinned".
"What did you do my son" the priest asks.
"I slept with three women during the past week."
"Are you married?"
"You have committed a great sin but I can help you. Pray the lord, sing gospels and hail Mary and donate $100 to the church."

After a few minutes another man enters the confessional and says the same things. The priest asks him to the do the same things and tells him to donate $100 to the church.

At this point the priest gets a phone call and has to leave. Before leaving he asks the rabbi tif he could take over the duties for a few minutes and rabbi says "Don't worry. It's a piece of cake."

A few minutes later a young woman enters the confessional.
"Father, Father I have sinned."
"What did you do my child?" asks the rabbi.
"I slept with a married man."
"How many men did you sleep with?" asks the rabbi
"Just one"
"Are you sure you did not sleep with three men?"
"Yes , I am sure"

The rabbi thinks for a minute and says;
"You have definitely committed a sin but I will help you. Pray the Lord, Sing gospels and Hail Marys and donate $100 to the church and now the church owes you two fucks."

Date: Sat, 27 Aug 1994 23:34:27 EDT
From: Dan Hotopp
Subject: Accident at railroad crossing

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
Date: Sun, 28 Aug 1994 23:38:58 EDT
From: Michael Betsy
Subject: Gender Problem !

A man was talking with his wife one day. he says to her, "Honey I have good news and bad news, the bad news is that I'm a woman trapped in a man's body" His wifes responds, "What could possibly be the good news?"
He says, "I'm gay".

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Drop me a line if you like the jokes!
Date: Mon, 29 Aug 1994 15:11:32 +0200
From: Altar Ariel
Subject: At the restaurant (disgusting !!)

- Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
- Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

- Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup.
- Yes sir, that's because we've run out of flies.


- Waiter, there is a fly in my salad.
- I'm sorry sir, I couldn't know that you are vegetarian.

Date: Mon, 29 Aug 1994 08:48:34 CDT
From: Ed
Subject: Junk Mail

The following are a pair of stories I heard presented as true at a recent direct marketing (once known to those outside the industry as "junk mail") meeting:

As part of its direct marketing program, J.C. Penneys sells life insurance over the phone. One of the oddest events these telemarketers had was when they received one phone call from a person wanting to buy life insurance. The person who answered the phone began writing the sale as normal until she got to the new customer's residence--he was on death row, due to be executed the next day. She had to decline the sale.

When Cessna came out with a new corporate jet in the 60's, it was decided to use a major Madison Avenue ad adgency for a direct marketing campaign aimed at executives of major organizations that currently have airplanes and so might be looking to step up to a new jet. In trying to create a direct mail package that would be novel enough to get to the top executives, it was decided to mail homing pigeons in tiny wooden crates. The idea was to have each executive attach a tiny message--indicating whether they wanted more information on the jet or not--to the leg of the pigeon and then release it. Unfortunately, some of the organazations selected for this mailing were third-world countries with representatives at the United Nations. Rather than release the pigeons, they ate them.

Date: Mon, 29 Aug 1994 10:20:56 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Marital sayings and a husband's little joke

My wedding anniversary is this week. Here are some thoughtful and humorous sayings about marriage. And then a husband's joke.

A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy

Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage; and half shut

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty
proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or frac

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine - he
gets better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping

Marriage--the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.

The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.

I married her for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.

The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.

Will you love me when I'm old and bald? It's tough enough now, when you're young and hairy.

Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If
you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

Husbands are like fires. They go out if left unattended.
Marriages may be made in heaven, but most of the details are worked out on earth.

It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her
than a man she loves.

Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.

The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. :-)
(Book of Common Prayer)


"My wife and I have an agreement that works... she is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.
This means that she decides things like where to take our next
vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.

I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve
should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners."

Date: Fri, 26 Aug 1994 14:29:06 -0600
From: Rick Bernier
Subject: Black guy and a parrot
A black guy comes into the bar with a parrot on his head.
The bartender says, "Hey! Where did you get that?"
The parrot says, "Africa! There's thousands of them."

Date: Tue, 30 Aug 1994 09:18:52 EST
Subject: college application - from 1990/91

This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humour category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in the May issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York City. Gallagher, who is eighteen, grew up in Newtown Square, Pennsylvania, and will attend New York University this fall.
3A. In order for the Admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am an dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400 My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

Date: Tue, 30 Aug 1994 11:56:36 EDT
From: Allan McKellar
Subject: Are you comfortable or rich ?

Comfortable is having two cars;
rich is having two chauffeurs

Comfortable is a house in the country;
rich is a house in another country

Comfortable is owning offshore investments;
rich is owning offshore islands

Comfortable is being able to hire an accountant;
rich is being able to fire an accountant

Comfortable is a large steak in a top restaurant;
rich is a large stake in a top restaurant

Comfortable is a 150,000 pound (225,000 dollar) mortgage;
rich is no mortgage

Comfortable is having a horse in a stable;
rich is having a horse in the Derby

Comfortable is being able to pay school fees;
rich is not knowing what school fees are

Comfortable is a private clinic when you're ill;
rich is a private clinic when you want pampering

Comfortable is paying higher-rate tax;
rich is tax exile in Geneva

Date: Tue, 30 Aug 1994 12:26:54 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 5.P A collection of clean humor gathered on: 1 Jan 90
These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri.

Music Education

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead. An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums. A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Date: Wed, 31 Aug 1994 10:16:06 U
From: "Sander, Neville"
Subject: Good Neighbours

A black family has just moved to a very affluent part of Johannesburg. One day they meet their new white neighbours, who is talking about his house. "Of course we've got an olympic size swimming pool." The new family reply, "So have we!"
"And a floodlit tennis courtl" ... "So have we."
"...and a brand new Mercedes!" The black man starts wondering how long the this is going to go on for, so he replies "We've got white neighbours!"
Date: Wed, 31 Aug 1994 08:30:40 -0600
From: David Cotton
Subject: Excuses to miss work

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to
work. The voices told me to clean all the guns

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in
addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john,
but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour
and the other half back an hour Saturday and
spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until
the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only
by reversing the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while
simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout
with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in
late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be
stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not
showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy,
but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down
at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some
attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about
them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes,
could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with
Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time

I just found out that I was switched at birth.
Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my
employee records may now contain false

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent
session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I
won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to
hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the
Undead and we must track her to her coffin to
drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA
has determined that my house is completely
surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange
for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest

My wife makes more money than I do, so I have
to stay at home with our sick son.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until
there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my
fair share.

I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You
want I should come in?

I can't come in because the deadline is Monday
and so far I only have seven different fun things
to do with a barrel of snot.

Date: Wed, 31 Aug 1994 14:54:40 -0400


A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following week-end. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."
"Oh," said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the
same explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked suprised. "Still expecting?" he said,
"Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting," he bellowed.
"Yes, sir," said the soldier resolutely, "she's still
"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me," said the soldier simply.

A typical bull-necked sergeant was putting a platoon of raw
recruits through its first session of close order drill.
"Forward march!" "Halt!" "Right face!" "Left face!" "About
face!" he barked in rapid succession. Recruit Ole Olson took
about ten minutes of this and then suddenly flung his Springfield to the ground and set off for barracks.
"Hey," roared the outraged Sergeant, "where in heck do you
think you're goin'?"
"Ay quit," answered Ole quitely. "Ay be damned if ay drill
with {a} damn fool who can't make up his mind!"

Date: Wed, 31 Aug 1994 16:01:46 -0600
From: Raghu S
Subject: Re: WWII Military Humor

Two seargents (sp???) were arguing about what sex was
about; pleasure or work? One seargent arguing that sex was
75 % work and 25 % pleasure. The other suggesting that sex was 50 % work and 50 % pleasure. Finally, to resolve this they ask a young private as to what he thought sex was about. And the private replied that "sex was most definitely 100 % pleasure or else
the army would be making them do it."

Date: Wed, 7 Sep 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: A Punny Guy , Jeffrey Jonas Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: reverse chain letter

As I attempted to use the office photocopier,
I found that the previous user had left it jammed,
so I unjammed it and found 10 copies of a chain letter
in the duplexor (internal tray for double sided copying).

so, here's MY version of a chain letter:


This letter was written by Joxyl Ozzyfoxyl
using Microsoft Word for Windows on a PC.
Two days later, his department was dissolved during a hostile takover leaving Joxyl jobless and the PC homeless.

The floppy disk was found by Josh Doesjack
during the liquidation of the company assets.
After printing this letter, the disk jammed and destroyed the floppy drive and the printer self destructed by strangling itself with the ribbon.
Josh tried to throw out the letter
but on the way to the recycling bin it was intercepted by Jane Dogong who typed it neatly on her IBM selectric typewriter.
3 days later, her typewriter was replaced by a word processor
that required constant servicing and never worked repliably.
Jane's efficiency rating plummeted
and her self esteem was irreverably damaged.

One copy of this letter went to John Ackers at IBM.
He was caught copying the letter on an office copier
and was fired for using office copiers for personal business.

In the charred remains of a cabin, the cause of the fire
was determined to be due to a laser printer that overheated
while printing this letter.

This letter has been around the world by INTERNET 6 times,
causing a wake of destruction and mayhem wherever it stays more than 2 minutes.
Whatever you do, DO NOT COPY THIS LETTER!

Date: Fri, 9 Sep 1994 14:39:31 -0700 (PDT)
From: Linda White
Subject: Re: reverse chain letter

When I was reading the very funny reverse chain letter, my screen suddenly filled up with garbage characters that kept scrolling until I disconnected.

So we've had a thunderstorm passing through, but of all places to get blitzed, it was in the midst of that!

Date: Mon, 19 Sep 1994 00:55:46 -0700 (PDT)
From: Linda White
Subject: U.S.Air jokes

Top 20 U.S.Air advertising slogans:

1. U.S.Air: When you just cant wait for the world to come to you. 2. U.S.Air: We're Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin. 7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off. 8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose. 14. U.S.Air: We may be landing on your street.
15. U.S.Air: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19. Fly U.S.Air. Find out if there really is a God.
20. U.S.Air: A real man lands where he wants to.

Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 07:22:55 -0600
Subject: Gov't Spending

As seen in the Salt Lake Tribune:

A federal commission says government spending is out of control. The study took six months and cost $3 million.

Date: Sat, 17 Sep 1994 03:13:53 GMT
Reply to: Ed Lambert
Subject: In The News (Political, off to Clintons, OJ, Packwood, Cradle Robbers)
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times (Some edited for humor or space)

Cocaine was found in the blood of the pilot who crashed his Cessna at the White House. This proves that he was not in Washington to harm President Clinton. He was there to show support for Marion Barry. At the time of the incident, President Clinton was staying at Blair House. This is the first time sleeping in the wrong bed has actually gotten him OUT of trouble! Secret Service agents were caught off guard. They figured it was either piloted by a deranged man or a jealous husband. President Clinton has introduced a bill that would require a five day waiting period to buy a Cessna.

A Chicago hotel held an auction and included items from the hotel roon where OJ stayed the night of the famous murders. The most unusual thing for sale was an alibi. Simpson's lawyers desperately tried to buy it but it went to a private collector in Denver.

Senator Bob Packwood celebrated his 62nd birthday last Sunday. In a touching display of affection, each of the women he's sexually harassed chipped in and got him a gold plated restraining order.

After a private screening of "Quiz Show", a new movie about his large role in the 1950's game show scandals, Charles Van Doren called it terriffic...a top contender at Oscar time. He later admitted he hadn't seen the movie, was paid by the promoters to praise it and was given answers to reporters questions beforehand.

With most kids back in school, this must be a real drag on the social lives of Woody Allen and Jerry Seinfeld.

In Nevada, 66 teachers may loose their jobs after failing the state's competency exam. The group issued a written statement: "This are not faire. We is exteemely competents and be not afraid to fighting for we jobs".

70% of big city schools now have metal detectors. This is a great idea. Now they can tell if a student has really been shot or if they're just faking it to get out of a test.

Now, we have political trading cards. It's great! You can buy them, trade them, sell them...just like real politicians!