Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 11:23:21 -0700
From: Scott Philben
Subject: Little Johnny (Slightly off

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a
picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked.
"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to
brush mommy's teeth!"

Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 11:51:03 -0500
From: Ryan Hinch
Subject: HUMOR



One day a priest was driving down the highway when his gas light came on. He noticed a sign that said next gas station 20 miles. Well, he knew that he would only get ten more miles so he set the cruise at 55 and hoped to coast far enough so he could walk. Well, sure enough, he ran out of gas but was at least 5 to 7 miles from the gas station. The priest got out of his car, got his gas can and began walking. After about a mile, a diesel slowed and came to a stop. The trucker yelled to the priest, "Hey, need a ride? I couldn't help notice you were a priest so i figured you wouldn't hurt me. Hop in!" The priest climbs in the rig and they drive on. A little ways up the road, the trucker sees a black man walking by himself. He has this urge but can't bring himself to do it with the priest with him. Suddenly he devises a plan. He closes his eyes but leaves one squinted so that he can see, but also so that it appears that he has fallen asleep. He slowly begans easing over to the shoulder and right when he gets to the black man, BAM!! The truck driver bolts up in his chair and yells, "What happened? Did I hit something?" The priest, looking in the rear view mirror, says, "No, you missed him but I got him with my gas can!"

Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 13:33:23 -0400
From: TK Baltimore
Subject: Humor: Parachute Paradigm (minorly insulting to lots of people)
THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM:

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute.

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosophy: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a
parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoev er between airplane crashes and death.

National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.
Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 14:26:00 PDT
From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber Subject: Microsoft & The BORG


"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 15:04:40 CST
From: "McGrath, Lisa"
Subject: Absenteeism Memo

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT
RE: ABSENTEEISM


It has been brought to the attention of the Board that the attendance record of our company is a disgrace. It has now become necessary to revise some of our policies. The following changes take place immediately.

SICKNESS: No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to get to the doctor you are able to come to work.

DEATH: (Other than your own.) This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for the deceased, and we are sure that someone with a lesser number of obligations can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held late in the afternoon we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that you work is sufficiently ahead so that you won't inconvenience other employees by your absence
LEAVE OF
ABSENCE (For an operation.) We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thought that you might need an operation. Since we believe that as long as you are employed here you will need all of whatever you have, and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH (Your own.) This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to train someone else to do your job.

Also, entirely too much time is being spent in restrooms. In the future we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose name begins with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:15, "B" will go from 8:15 to 8:30 and so on. If you are unable to go at your time it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes up.

Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 16:48:15 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Almanac humor: The Frenchman's message lately translated
A Frenchman wanting a lodging, but having no money to pay for it, depended on his wit for a supply; so went into an inn, where called for a supper and had a bed for the night. The bill came to him in the morning, but our hero ingenuously confessed he had no money, but Boniface would not be thus bamboozled, and swore that he would keep him till he paid.

"Oh, den," (says the Frenchman) "If you will keep me dill I pay, me vill never pay; for me love goot keeping, and me vill love it all de days of my life.

However, Boniface being very rough, poor Monsieur < > to exert his wit, and get clear off.

"Don't be angry, Monsieur, don't dough me has not de money to pay de reckoning, me can do you a bit of service, vich will be all de same as money. Me see you be troubled with de rat, now give me de reckoning and me will give you a receipt in French--Do you understand de
French?"

"No, I don't," cried Boniface surlily.

"Well, dat're no matter, you vill easily find de friend dat vill--Me could write in de English tongue, but me can't."

The Frenchman, after saying this, took pen and ink, and having written a few French lines, gave it to the landlord, who, glad to have any thing for his money, received it with readiness.

Some days after, the rats multiplied so, that Boniface was resolved to try the virtue of this recipe; and having by chance found a gentleman in the tap room that understood French, he begged him to translate the recipe, which he did in the following manner, to the great
astonishment of the landlord, and the loud laugh of the company.
"When the rats come, take six boiled eggs, half a pint of wine, small beer, and when they have eaten heartily, charge them five shillings for their supper, and they will never come any more." (The Rhode-Island Almanack for 1792)



Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 22:30:35 -0500
From: Shyam Bhatia
Subject: Humor: Apartment Rent ...fwd

A prosperous man proposed to a beautiful girl and she
agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00.

When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her
he didn't have the money with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check for it, and mail it for "Rent
at the Apartment".

On his way to the office, he decided the whole thing wasn't
worth the price he agreed to pay. So he had the secretary
send a check for $250.00 and enclose the following note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed is a check for the amount of $250.00 for rent on
your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon
because when I rented the apartment, I was under the
impression that:
1) It had never been occupied
2) That there was plenty of heat
3) That it was small

Last night I found it had already been occupied; that there
wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the check, the girl immediately returned
the check with the following note:

Dear Sir:

I am returning the check for $250.00. I cannot understand
how you would expect such a beautiful apartment to remain
unoccupied. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on. And as for the size, it is not my
fault that you didn't have enough furniture to fill it.

Date: Fri, 15 Apr 1994 16:04:58 CDT
From: David Christian
Subject: Religious Humor

In the begining, there was nothing, and the Lord said, "Let there be light," and when He saw the result, He said "This is good."
The next day, the Lord formed the earth, putting on it dirt and mountains and lakes and rivers and oceans. When He saw what he had done, He said, "This is good."
Over the following days, the Lord created the plants and animals, the birds and fishes, and finally, man and woman. When He saw what he had done, He said "This is good."
Then, the Lord said "Let there be fun..." and the lights went out.


Date: Fri, 15 Apr 1994 09:02:50 MEX
From: Antonio Oliveros
Subject: Practical first aids for home accidents. Part I of II.
This article was published by Marco A. Almazan, a great mexican humor writer. It first appeared in a book called The gormondios of Marfesia (Los gormondios de Marfesia) ed. J.U.S. Mexico 1975.
I will post part II on monday.
and now...
Practical first aids for home accidents.
There are a lot of small home accidents that relly doesn't are dangerous by itselfs, However the real danger is that you leave the victim of this accident laid on the floor until you call a doctor who does not made homecalls or if he does, charges you an amount of money that equals the price of your home. It happens that this guy stays on the floor until someone kills him by accidentally stepping on him, or he dies from natural causes.
To offer a remedy to this unconfortable situation, ioll give you the most effective and simple procedures for the most common home accidents such as:
Electric Shock:
If the guy who suffered an electric shock had caused a short circuit that blows a fuse, in the first place, you should try to fix your fuse box, or you might apply first aids to another person and do not notice or pay any attention to the guy who had suffered the accident.
After fixing the fuse box you will procced to screw a lightbulb in his/her theeth, if the lightbulb doesn't turn on, that means that this guy does not have enough volts in his body and he/she will be o.k. in a couple of minutes, after having a couple of drinks or if you give him/her a shower with cold water. This last procedure is not recommended in winter time, or this home remedy may turn into a worst situation.
If the light turns on, the best thing to do is to take this guy to the outside of the house and hang him over the door, put some music and he/she will receive the full benefits of fresh air, and he/she will also receive an standing ovation from the people at the street and the neighbours that are watching this odd show of light and sound.
Poison ingestion:
If someone ingests rat poison, lye, or just pork meat at any taco stand, this is the correct procedure. Lie down that person in decubito supino possition (on his back), put yor knee on his chest and a plumber helper on his face (the kind you use on your sink). While you are making the suction procedure, you must shout at the guy 'I knew this will happen one day, I told you a thosand times, This is happening because you are an idiot, That happened to you for eating so much trompa,buche and nenepile tacos ( diferent kind of tacos made with pork meat that you can buy near almost every bus stop or subway station (Metro). Don't ask wich part of the pig, belive me, you don't want to know).
If the person is a stranger, you don't have to say nothing, just use the plumber helper as directed before and wait for an ambulance.


Date: Fri, 15 Apr 1994 14:24:23 E
From: Charlie Hill
Subject: The smartest house on the block???

TCI, the nation's largest cable television Company, is in talks to launch a unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific Gas & Electric Co. and Microsoft Corporation to design a "smart home".

November 28, 1995 Moved in at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my PC, which is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm, like, totally wired.
November 30 Hot stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice and cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should have the universal remote surgically attached.
December 3 Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut down - lights, microwave, coffee maker - everything! Carefully, I unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Called the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility. The utility insists the problem was in the software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor.
Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone calls. More remote diagnostics. Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode" - the network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen's logic sequence was confused so it couldn't do a standard restart.
The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.
December 7 The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated and the police computer concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure....
Another glitch: whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade - SmartHouse 2.1, but it's not ready yet.
December 12 This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the Home Shopping channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing. I look at a message slowly throbbing on my PC screen: "Welcome to HomeWrecker!!! Now the FUN begins....(be it ever so humble, there's no virus like HomeWrecker....)". I get out of the house. Fast. December 18 They think I've digitally disinfected the house but the place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, The Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over.
December 19 Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mudslides yes," says the claims adjuster, "viruses, no."
My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a noncertified on-line service. Everybody's very, very sorry but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that may be created.

We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited.

December 21 I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers personally. "Sure, I tell him"...

Date: Sat, 16 Apr 1994 10:30:02 -0400
From: Lloyd Abrams
Subject: Sex joke

A child walked into his parent's bedroom, where they were engaging in the sex act known as sixty-nine.

He loudly annonunced, "And I get punished for sticking my thumb in my mouth!"

(...he loudly *orated?*...)

Date: Sun, 17 Apr 1994 01:29:38 -0500
From: Mark Darrall <00mtdarrall@LEO.BSUVC.BSU.EDU>
Subject: Religious with a government twist

Found this in a book dealing with Urban Planning a field that has as an integral element dealings with government agencies and the like. This was cited as an example of what a planner's job is like:

God told Moses that He had good news and bad news.
"The good news first," said Moses.
"I'm planning to part the Red Sea to allow you and your people to walk right through and escape from Egypt," said God, adding, "and when the Egyptian soldiers pursue, I'll send the water back on top of them." "Wonderful," Moses replied, "but what's the bad news, Lord?"
"You write the environmental impact statement."

Date: Fri, 22 Apr 1994 01:55:01 -0600
From: Jesse DuPont
Subject: Womens' most important men
Who are the most important men in womens' life:


The Doctor because he says take your cloths off.
The Dentist because he says open wide.
The Milkman because he says do you want it in front or back.
The Hair Dresser because he says do you want it teased or blown. The Interior Designer because he says once it is in you will love it. The Banker because he says if you take it out too soon you'll loose interest.


Date: Fri, 22 Apr 1994 15:18:20 -0500
From: "Dr. Jeffry Luria"
Subject: Oh! To be young again.

Eighty-five year old man driving down the road spots an object ahead and stops to investigate. On close scrutiny it is a frog who exclaims,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess and do your bidding."
The elderly gentleman swoops the frog up and puts it into his pocket. The frog incredulously shouts,

"I can't believe it, I told you that if you kiss me I'll become a princess and do your bidding, and you put me in your pocket!"
To which the gentleman replies,

"At my age I'd rather have a talking frog.!"

Date: Fri, 22 Apr 1994 15:23:39 -0400
From: Steve Winant
Subject: Old Spy Joke

The spy's execution was ordered and he was brought through four miles of soggy, muddy road on foot.
Spy: "What nerve! I don't mind being shot, but to make me walk through four miles of mud is too much!"
"What're you beefing about?" snapped his guard, "I gotta
walk back."

Date: Fri, 22 Apr 1994 19:38:47 -0400
From: Lloyd Abrams
Subject: Doctor joke

A man went to a specialist because he was having trouble getting IT up and keeping IT up with his wife. After a thorough examination, the doctor told the man that he has three options.
"First," the doctor explained, "for $10,000 we can set you up for a regimen of megavitamins and a special experimental drug."
He continued, "For $20,000, we can offer you the drug and vitamin therapy, along with intensive therapy, and, for $30,000, we can perform an operation that has proven to be very successful in most cases. But, you'd better go home and talk this over with your wife."

The following week, at his next visit, the doctor inquired about their decision. The man answered, "My wife decided to re-do the kitchen."

Date: Sun, 24 Apr 1994 20:22:47 -0700
From: Tom Welbers
Subject: Memory

New patient:

"Doctor, I don't know what to do. You've got to help me; I just can't remember a thing. I've no memory at all. I hear something one minute, and the next minute I forget it. Tell me, what should I do?"

Doctor:

"Pay in advance."

Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 14:53:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
Subject: A diet plan through sexual activity


A DIETER'S GUIDE TO
WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
======================

---------------------------------------------------------------- ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ----------------------------------------------------------------
REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE: With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35 Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2 Orchestra swelled.............6 UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang
Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7 Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3 Earth moved..................30
Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT:
Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2 Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY:
For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3 Losing erection............14 For men......................72 Searching for it..........115
GUILT:
PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training, With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53 Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that other people are INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2 If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3 Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account.. Inexperienced..............73 20 If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION:
Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5 it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay..........14 ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10 kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7 Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40 Man getting permission.....55
American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse..........60 SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100 Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55 Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100 Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75 Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion 500 Thanking partner quickly......2 ORGASM:
Real.......................27
Faked.....................160


Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 08:31:04 -0800
From: Larry Richards
Subject: Commode - Call Home clean

A wireless tracking program will be used by the Department of Defense to find the location of items in inventory. Each lot in a warehouse will be tagged with a tiny radio transmitter. For example, if you were to call all toilet seats, they would call back and tell you where they are. (Atlanta Journal-Constitution 4/21/94 F2)

Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 09:15:35 -0600
From: Jesse DuPont
Subject: First Aid, Amish Gardening,
Animals for Women (See 1st line for warning)

***First Aid: off. to those who hate medical ignorance Motley Crue, and sware words. Amish Gardening might possibly offend the Amish. Animals for Women might offend women in general. (Probably not, though)

This was originally posted to rec.humor.funny Newsgroup by Tom Magliery and was forwarded to me for posting. Here is the first part.

I have a little "first aid tips" card. You pull the tab down till the indicator points to an ailment, and the little window displays symptoms and treatment. My roommate got hold of it and
modified the treatments somewhat. (The symptoms are what the card actually says):

APPENDICITIS Pain in right lower abdomen. Who cares? It's a Nausea, possible vomiting vestigial organ anyway. and fever. Give him an aspirin.
BURNS and Redness, mild swelling, and Peel away dead skin. Rub SCALDS pain. Blisters may develop. vigorously to encourage good circulation.
CONVULSION Strong, jerking movements; Sit on victim. Laugh at stiff body. Difficulty him until he gets breathing. Bluish face. embarrassed and stops. Eyes rolled back, gritting
of teeth, frothy mouth.

CROUP Noisy, difficult breathing. Stuff a sock in victim's Hoarse, barking cough. mouth.

CUTS and Cuts bleed and hurt. Call victim a sissy and BRUISES Bruises get red, swollen, and send him back out to and hurt. play.

DOG BITE Redness, swelling and Scold victim. Shoot dog. bleeding if skin is broken.
Fear of the dog.

DROWNING Unconscious, pale or blue Talk about what a great skin. guy he was.

EARACHE Pain. Possible dizziness Listen to one hour of or discharge from ear. Motley Crue. THEN you'll Possible fever. know what an earache is.
FAINTING Pale, clammy skin, Before victim revives, take dizziness, shallow his wallet and clothes and breathing, sweating and put him on a bus to Toledo. temporary unconsciousness.

FEVER Body temperature over Administer 4 oz. of 'Old 98.6 degrees F (37 C). Jayhawk' [cheap whiskey] Hot forehead. every 2 hours.

FROSTBITE Skin flushed, then changing Submerge in boiling water. to white or greyish yellow.
Blister may appear. Cold
and numb. Pain.

HEAT High temperature. Pale and Lock up victim in walk-in EXHAUSTION clammy skin, or hot and freezer for 1-2 hours. flushed skin. Headache and
weakness. Possible nausea.

INSECT BITES Pain and redness at the Capture insect and mash to and STINGS site of the sting or bite. paste. Dissolve in one Possible allergic reactions cup of milk and have victim such as shock or difficulty drink.
breathing.

NOSEBLEED Profuse bleeding from the Apply tourniquet to nose. victim's neck.

POISONING Symptoms vary. Throat or Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia stomach pains. Mouth burns. solution to flush system. Vomiting. Drowsiness.

SHOCK Victim pale and weak. Grasp victim firmly by the Clammy skin, perspiration on shoulders and shake, upper lip and forehead. shouting, "Snap out of it!" Pulse rate and breathing
rate are increased.

STROKE Unconscious. Heavy Kiss patient goodbye. breathing. Apparent It's all over.
weakness in face or limbs on
one side of body. Inability
to speak.

SUNBURN Redness, mild swelling, and Remove reddened skin with pain. Possible blisters. sandpaper. Soak affected area in alcohol.
SWALLOWING Dangerous when in air Shout, "Hey, dumbshit, FOREIGN passages. Violent coughing spit that out! Whatsa BODIES and choking. Bluish facial matter with you!" discoloration. Breathing
may stop.

TOOTHACHE Pain. Tooth is sensitive Alternate administration of to hot and cold food and hot coffee and ice cream. fluids.


Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 11:58:43 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Twins & horses

There was once this guy who had married a twin, and he had the hardest telling his wife from her twin. It was only after about 7 years of marriage and never knowing if he was doing to bed with his wife or her twin that he finally discovered that his wife was about 2 inches shorter than her brother.

This same guy had two identical horses, and here, too, he had great difficulty telling them part. Finally, he got the bright idea of cropping the mane and the tail of the red one.

Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 21:13:07 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Rude Humor: Blonde bomber joke

Did you hear about the dead blonde terrorists?
They died faxing a letter bomb.

I hope you enjoy this Humor list as much as I do. Of course I
once was a blonde. Sara

Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 21:36:18 -0400
From: Lloyd Abrams
Subject: Veterinarian

A woman calls her veterinarian and tells him that her male German shepherd is making sexual advances towards her. He responds by suggesting that she can bring him in to have him neutered.

"No," she replied. "All I want you to do is clip his toe nails and sweeten his breath."

Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 23:23:02 EST
From: John Beck
Subject: Juggler joke

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows to watch.

"Wow," says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"


Date: Tue, 26 Apr 1994 09:15:37 -0500
From: Ian Chai
Subject: Proclaimations; Signs

AP reports 4/12/94 that there will be no proclamation this year marking National Accordion Awareness Week, National Anxiety Month and Carpenter Ant Awareness Week. Too bad for Montana accordianists who worry about carpenter ants. (Note: I retyped this in more or less my own words to avoid the copyright problem.)

Governor Marc Racicot scrapped the routine proclaimations because of budget constraints... apparently previously one staffer used to spend about half of every day processing proclaimations when they were doing every proclaimation requested.

The new policy was put in late last year... with no announcement, of course.

No groups have complained. "You just have to accept it," said Williiam Morris of the US All Presidents Day Society, which wants to mark April 30, the date when George Washington was elected, as the day to
celebrate his presidency.

If it wasn't for the change of policy, Racicot would have been busy next month proclaiming National Memo Day and National Salad Month. Too bad, but both will now pass unobserved.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- There is a sign outside a restaurant that I pass frequently that says " Now Serving Food " . It makes me wonder what they used to serve. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're old when... you go to the music store
and all of your favorite groups have "The Best Of..." CD's.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- A relative claims to have seen this one: After driving a few
hundred miles of desert, with nothing much to break the
horizon, a sign began to loom ahead. It read:

MONOTONOUS, ISN'T IT?

She says that it took another hundred miles to wipe the
grin off her face. Has anyone seen this? (It was a US
desert, presumably in the CA/UT/NEV area, eh?).
---------------------------------------------------------------------- While driving across the salt flats in Utah a few years back
(pretty dull scenery after a while), I noticed that someone
had stuck a little handmade sign into the white-topped ground
next to the highway, declaring "SALT."

That's nice, I think, and continue for another couple of miles, where I see a little (say 10' x 10') area that somebody has
hoed, so that the white-top is mixed in with the dirt below.
In the middle of this patch is another sign: "PEPPER"

I laughed all the way to Nevada!

Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 01:01:05 -0400
From: "Nigel H. Mendez"
Subject: Procrastination -joke/not-offensive

Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.


Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 08:16:31 EST
From: John Swift
Subject: Amy Fischer
Amy Fischer enters her bank to deposit a fresh, crisp $50.99 bill.
Sez the Teller "I'm sorry, ms Fischer, but this bill is a counterfit!"
Sez Amy "Help! I've been raped!!"

Swifty

John K Swift
SWIFTY@medisense.com

**********************************************************************
"Those who are proud of an orderly desk, will never know the
thrill of finding something they thought was irretrievably
lost"

**********************************************************************
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 09:06:18 -0400
From: gwen eckman
Subject: offensive to polish and italians (maybe)

A foreman at a construction site looked up an saw one of his men swinging from some electrical wires saying, "Whee, I'm a lightbulb." The foreman yelled to the worker, "Kowalski, you could kill yourself! When I get back from lunch, I expect you to be back to work."

The foreman came back from lunch and saw Kowalski still swinging happily from the electrical wires, "Whee, I'm a light bulb."

The foreman had had it. He took the elevator up and told Kowalski that he was fired. On his way down, the foreman looked over and saw the little Italian carpenter packing his tools. He asked, "Guiseppi, where do you think you are goi ng?"
"What, you think ima crazy, work with no light?"

Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 09:26:27 -0400
From: Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest

Subject: Intelligence of Dogs


A man walks into a bar with a [insert your favorite breed of dog] and asks for a martini. The dog requests a double martini.

The bartender says to the man "So you're a ventriloquist. Big deal. We don't serve dogs in here."

The man gets up to go to the men's room and the dog again requests his drink. The bartender is amazed. "My god, you can talk. Will you do a favor for me?"

The dog replies "what's in it for me?"

The bartender goes to cash register and takes out $20 bill. "Here's $20. Go across the street to Riley's bar and tell the guys in there that they are a bunch of wimps and that our softball team will whip their asses when we play this weekend."

The dog goes out. His owner returns and asks "where's Rover?" the bartender says "He went across the street to do me a favor." The owner is visibly upset and says "I don't let Rover out alone!"

The dog's owner leaves immediately to retrieve Rover. but Rover is not across the street. He is in the gutter in front of the bar going at it fast and hard with a bitch dog. The owner is amazed. "Rover, what's come over you? You've never done anything like this before."
Rover responds "I never had money before."

Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 11:15:04 -0500
From: Ian Chai
Subject: How to make a toaster controller


Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."
"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry
classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived
requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."
"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king had the computer scientist thrown in the moat, and they all lived happily ever after.

Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 14:38:51 -0400
From: Terrence Raymond Strohecker
Subject: Chemistry: True Story!

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?


Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 15:11:01 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 4.9 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89

A friend was having a problem with a sticky keyboard for his Mac. He was talking to another friend who off-handedly suggested putting into the dishwasher to clean it up. So, my friend did just that! Needless to say, the keyboard didn't function any too well after that. :-)

I was at GE Consulting's Training and Education Center in Albany, NY taking a course on the PC. Well, there were some inexperienced PC users there, so we had to go through the "basics" for them (ie, the do's and don't's of disk handling)
Well, according to the instructor, there had been one student who had driven up from Bridgeport, CT (corporate offices are there). He had stayed at a nearby motel overnight, leaving his briefcase in the trunk of the car. (Oh, let me add that it was sub-zero weather at the time of this incident). In the morning he arrived at T&E, opened up his briefcase, took out a floppy disk, inserted into a drive... then *c-r-a-c-k*!!! It shattered into little pieces.
Gee.. I hope it wasn't critical information on it, with no backup :-)
How about the young computer salesman giving some client a demonstration of the new electronic word-processor? He loads up a large document, and says: "watch this!". He hits a couple of keys, and converts every "i" in the document to an "a", making the text unreadable.
"And it you can change it all back, just like this" he proclaims,subsequent ly
converting all "a"s back to "i", including those that had been "a"s originally. Of cource, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine.. :-)
----------------------------------------------------

1) A computer kept crashing, and every time service was called, it worked fine. It turned out that one of the users would come in, sit down at the console and put his papers and stuff on the top covering the cooling vents. When it crashed, he'd pick up his stuff and leave, removing the evidence. Service people didn't figure this one out until they decided to watch him work to see why it crashed.

2) We had an IBM cluster controller controlling some 3270 terminals. We paid $5000 for an upgrade that would allow more users to be connected to the controller. The IBM service rep came in and REMOVED a board, that was put there to deliberately slow things down.

3) Somebody working on an Airline Reservation System, trying to get maximum response out of the machine, was looking at a OS listing and found a delay loop that was executed by a timer interrupt every 100th of a second. Removing it brought the performance up, but they had to replace one of the chips in the machine that wasn't fast enough.
Date: Thu, 28 Apr 1994 09:39:57 -0400
From: Alan Rosenberg
Subject: Texas Ego

A Texan was on a driving tour of the Holy Land, and one
afternoon found himself cruising through the Israeli
desert. After a long stretch of dry, desolate country,
he rounded a bend and spied a small, neat farmhouse
surrounded by lush, green fields. Being hot and thirsty,
the Texan pulled off the road and knocked on the farmhouse
door.

When the farmer answered and discovered a visitor from
America, he insisted that the Texan enter, sit, have a
cold drink and some fresh fruit, and talk for a while.
As they chatted, the Texan became curious about life out
in the middle of the desert. He asked "How do you make a
living way out here?". The farmer replied that he did
quite nicely, raising his crops and selling them in town.
"And how much land do you have?", the Texan inquired. "Why,
rather a large amount", said the farmer, "perhaps 80 or 100
of your acres."

The Texan gave a knowing smile and said "Son, back home in
Texas, I get into my car before sunrise, and I don't reach
the end of my land till long after dark. Now what do you
think about that?".

The farmer nodded knowingly and said "I used to have a car
like that myself."


Date: Thu, 28 Apr 1994 08:23:15 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 4.9 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89

Bloom's story about Weizenbaum and ELIZA is close, but the person involved was Daniel Bobrow, not Weizenbaum. The account was described in the December 1968 issue of the SIGART Newsletter, and was reprinted in the book Machines Who Think, by Pamela McCorduck (p. 225).

The following is the description of the account:

"One Saturday morning about 9 A.M., a BBN Vice-President in charge of selling our Telcomp commercial service arrived at our PDP-1 computer room hoping to be able to use the computer for a demonstration. He found a note on the PDP-1 teletype that read: `TYPE ALL MESSAGES INTO THIS TELETYPE, AND END THEM WITH A PERIOD'. This note was left there by one of the programming bums who had just succeeded in making run a Lisp version of the DOCTOR program (based on ELIZA as developed by Weizenbaum). However, the VP thought that this note indicated that this teletype was linked with the one in my [Bobrow's] home, since I often used the computer all night. Therefore, he started typing to `me', but in fact was typing to this version of the DOCTOR program. The following conversation ensued:

VP: Do you think that I can use the computer this morning? TELETYPE: Why do you ask?
VP: I might be able to make some additional telcomp sales. TELETYPE: Why aren't you sure?
VP: My prospective customers have never seen a demonstration of the system.
TELETYPE: Does this mean very much to you?
VP: Of course it does.
TELETYPE: You seem very positive of that.
VP: This is ridiculous.
TELETYPE: What do you mean this is ridiculous?
VP: Is there any reason why I can't use the computer now? TELETYPE: Tell me more about your prospective customers.
VP: Please dial me up on 491-1850

Note that after that remark the VP did not obey instructions and left out the period. Therefore, of course, the computer didn't answer him. This so infuriated the VP, who thought I was playing games with him, that he called me up, woke me from a deep sleep, and said:

VP: Why are you being so snotty with me?
BOBROW: What do you mean why am I being snotty to you?

The VP angrily read the dialog that `we' had been having, and couldn't get any response but laughter from me. It took me a while to convince him it really was the computer".

----------------------------------------------------

TRUE STORY:

Years ago while working on a large Amdahl 470/6 running DOS & MVS under VM, the system crashed, but gave a system error code xxxxxx. Upon looking it up in the systems manuel (not an Amdahl manual) it said.

A SYSTEM ERROR HAS JUST OCCURED WHICH WAS PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT TO BE IMPOSSIBLE.
Date: Thu, 28 Apr 1994 19:03:09 -0500
From: WHAT'S THAT BLUE THING DOING HERE? Subject: Enlarged Genital Organ

Mr. Adams has always had a small penis. It never used to bother him too much, until recently. It seems that he's extremely interested in a hot chick at work and thinks that she will not like him because of his unusually tiny sex organ.
So he goes to doctors and specialists and sex therapists, anyone he can think of, to try to find a solution to his problem. Alas, there is noone who can help him. Sure, he finds a couple of temporary solutions, but nothing works for the long term.
At his wit's end, he decides to go for more supernatural forms of therapy. He visits fortune tellers and supposed witches and gurus of all kind. None of these work either, until... Mr. Adams goes to a strange Indian mystic. The mystic says that "yes, I can help you. I get customers like you all the time." So the mystic goes to work preparing an ointment and elixir for hours. Finally he is done. "All you need to do is rub this on your penis and then drink the elixir. Then, for the next hour, whenever someone says to you 'excuse me' or 'pardon me' or something like that, your penis will grow a half an inch." Mr. Adams seems a little skeptical. "My dick will grow when people say 'pardon me' to me? That sounds really hokey." But the mystic reassures him "I know it sounds kind of weird, but that which we do not understand, we do not believe. I think it has something to do with other peoples kindness or reaching out or something silly like that." Anyway, Mr. Adams buys it.

He goes home and rubs the ointment on his penis and drinks the elixir. Then he can't get people to say "excuse me." So he decides to go to the grocery store to do a little fake shopping. He takes his grocery cart full of food through the store, casually bumping into other peoples carts. Inevitably, one or two of them will say "excuse me" or "pardon me." Each time this happens, Mr. Adams gets a euphoric rush from his pelvis. Well, it's getting close to the hour being up and his penis is already about 8 or 9 inches long. He decides to go for one more to complete his "masterpiece." He "accidentaly" gets his grocery cart jammed up with another gentleman at the store. This gentleman who just happens to be Japanese politely says "A thousand pardons, sir!" :)

Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 12:44:39 EDT
From: Bill
Subject: The customer is always right

In this week's Dave Barry column, he writes: A Russian electric company got into a billing dispute and cute off a customer's electricity. This customer, however, happened to be a Russian army arsenal commander who ordered a tank to drive over to the electric company's office and aim its gun at the windows. The electricity was turned right back on.
Date: Tue, 3 May 1994 09:34:25 EDT
From: Dan Hotopp
Subject: Learning to spell with "Darnell" [2/2] (may offend some)
LEARNING TO SPELL WITH "DARNELL" [Continued]

This is "Learning to Spell with Darnell." I be Darnell Jackson, and today we're gonna spell the word__________. Spell it with me now, ____________. Now let's use it in a sentence.


Fortify: "I asked this bitch down on 6 Mile--How much? She said fortify dollars. honey."

Formaldehyde: "The police came to my door looking for my cousin Melvin. I told them there ain't no place formaldehyde in the house, it be too small."

Foreclose: "If I don't pay my alimony this month, I'll have more money foreclose."

Fascinate: "My sister Wolanda bought a sweater with ten buttons on it, but her tits are so big, she can only fascinate."
Disappointment: "My parole officer told me, if I miss disappointment, he's going to send me back to the big house."

Dimension: "A lot of you ladies been calling in wondering what Darnell look like. Well, he's tall, dark, handsome, not dimension hung like a horse."

Derange: "Derange is where the deer and the antelope play."
Decide: "My favorite girls are Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep a couple on decide.

Data: "At my basketball game the other night, I score a triple double and my coach said data boy Darnell."

Copulate: "I called 911 and an hour later when they showed up, I said copulate."

Connoisseur: "I says to my friend Ramone, man you really stink today, what connoisseur did you crawl out of?"

Coatroom: "The judge said, one more outburst like that and I'll have the bailiff clear the coatroom."

Clothesline: "When I came home late again, I found my clothesline on the porch."

Catacomb: "I went to the Douglas/Hollyfield fight and sat next to Don King: man, someone oughta get that catacomb."

Button: "My girlfriend Juanita bought some leopard skin stretch pants. I said girl, you won't get you button 'em."
Beware: "I asked the man at the employment office, is this beware I find be a job?"

Battery: "The coach told my cousin Reggie he better start swinging the battery won't be in the line up tomorrow."
Bagdad: "I always wondered what was in the Bagdad use to drink out of when he was sitting on the front porch."

Assert: "On the way home from work, I always take assert so my old lady don't smell liquor on my breath."

Anus: "The policeman told me and my friend Jerome they be looking for the two guys that held up the liquor store and we said---anus."

Afford: "I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but then had to settle for afford.

Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 00:50:04 -0500
From: jlibson@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Joe)
Newsgroups: uiuc.classifieds
Subject: Canine seeks house!! (must allow humans)

Hello, I am a 13 year old female german shepherd looking for a place to stay.

I have the unfortunate complication of requiring housing for
one human also. The human is male, l behaved and house
broken (not fixed however...I know, it was irresponsible of me, but he put up such a fuss). I have had the human all my life,
and so I am reluctant to part with him. He doesn't care *where* he lives, but *I* need a place on the first floor since at my
ripe old age, I have trouble with stairs. I also would like a room in a house (rather than an apartment) so that I would have a
yard and such to lounge in. I can of course arrange for him
to sleep on the floor in my room, so we wouldn't need
separate rooms or anything. Well, it's a hassle typing with
one's nose so I'll cut this short.

If you have a room in a house for rent, please email him at the address below.
I prefer not to give out my own phone number and such, so please direct all correspondence through him. He is up all hours, so call whenever you like.

Woof,

Belle

How to contact the human:
=======================================
Name: Joe Libson
Phone Numbers:
(217)355-3955 (h)
(217)244-3008 (w)
Office: 5349 BI
Email: jlibson@ncsa.uiuc.edu
Shots good thru: 6/95

Date: Fri, 29 Apr 1994 11:33:08 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 4.A A collection of clean humor gathered on: 5 Feb 89

An economist is back in his old college town many years after graduation and decides to drop in on one of his old professors. He happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk so he picks it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar he comments to the professor that it is the same exam that he had taken 10 years ago. The professor assures him that this is correct but adds that this time the answers are different.

----------------------------------------------------

an addendum to the joke about using lawyers instead of mice (there are more of them and the staff doesn't get as attached)...
"But we had to give up and switch back to mice."
"Why?"
"We had a hard time applying the results to humans..."

----------------------------------------------------

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."
The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than people" The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

----------------------------------------------------

THE RULES (*)

For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong. 7. If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm. 14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit.

Date: Fri, 29 Apr 1994 16:02:47 CDT
From: Brian Gill
Subject: doctor joke

A lady walks into the doctor's office and complains, "Doc I have been coming to you for years and I think that the hormone pills you have me take are the wrong kind." The Doctor replies, "Well what makes you think that." The lady exclaims because I am starting to get hair on my chest. The Doc said Yeah that could be a problem, How far does the hair go down? The lady replied, Oh just a little ways past my penis!!

Date: Fri, 29 Apr 1994 19:43:15 -0500
From: Andrew Wagner
Subject: Golf joke (PG)

It's golf season, so let's tee it off with this one.

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?"
"I would!"
"And would you let her come into my house?"
"I would!"
"Would she be working in my kitchen?"
"She would!"
"Would she sleep in my bed?"
"She would!"
"Would she put her clothes in my press?"
"She would!"
"Would she have my Renault 4?"
"She would!"
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"DEFINITELY NOT!"
"Why?"
"She's left-handed!"



Date: Sat, 30 Apr 1994 12:25:22 CDT
From: Jim Duffen
Subject: old couple/sex

This old couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the
back porch when the old lady reached over and knocked the
old man out of his chair. The old man got up, sat back down
in his chair and said "What was that for?". The old lady
said "That was for 50 years of bad sex." A couple minutes
later the old man reached over and knocked the old lady
out of her chair. She got up and said "What was that for?"
The old man said "That's for knowing the difference."


Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 07:45:09 -0500
From: Nisheeth Vijay Parekh
Subject: True Story

A woman came to the Emergency Room/Department complaining of "female problems."
As the physician was obtaining her history he asked her, "Are you sexually active?"

She replied, "No -- I just lay there."

Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 12:45:01 EST
From: Sim Webster
Subject: Math humor: Half-way experiment

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 13:13:23 -0600
From: Jose Alejandro Ceballos
Subject: Two gallegos in Las Vegas
"Two gallegos [insert your favorites here] went to Las Vegas,
and one said to the other:
- Come on Manuel, let's play something!.
- No Venancio, I don't know how to play this games like bakara, BlackJack, poker, etc.
-Neither do I. But look, there are some coin machines. Give me one coin.
Venancio take the coin, insert it to the machine, pull the trigger and Cuas, pum, crash, squash -Special effects-....
- We win Venancio!, We win!. Let me do it!.
Manuel takes another coin,insert it to the machine, pull the trigger and Cuas, pum, crash, squash -Special effects-....
- We win again!. Let do it again.
They do this over and over again, winning each time, until Venancio said:
- Manuel, I thing we must stop.
- Why? We are winning all the time..
- Yes, but what are we gonna do with that lot of Coke's cans?


Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 14:33:10 -0400
From: George Olson
Subject: Politics

******Resolution of the Council Board of Canton, Miss.******
1. Resolved by this council that we build a new jail
2. Resolved that the new jail be built from the materials of the old jail 3. Resolved that the old jail be used until the new jail is finished
Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 16:20:35 PDT
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 4.C A collection of clean humor gathered on: 11 Mar 89

What's the optimal number of software reviewers?
Answer: 3.1415926
Or three full time programmers and 11 1/2 week old German Shepherd puppy.
----------------------------------------------------

Several years ago I was working as an instructor at a computer camp. I was assigned to teach the introductory class in TTL logic and peripheral design. So there I was, explaining the TTL high and low states. "Five volts represents the 'high' state or a binary 1, and zero volts represents the 'low' state, or a binary 0." And I went on and on explaining the various TTL Gates (AND, NOR, NAND, etc). Finally, I got to the Inverter (or NOT gate). I explained that if you put 5 volts into it, you'll get 0 volts out, and if you put 0 volts into it you'll get 5 volts out. To this, one person replied: "Wouldn't that thing be awfully useful during a power failure?"
----------------------------------------------------

Tonight on PBS there a fascinating special documentary about
the FORBIDDEN CITY in China. The announcer mentioned that it was forbidden because no one except emperors, their wives and UNIX were allowed inside the city walls.

Imagine...What other operating systems were around those days? Why were they discriminated against?

----------------------------------------------------

A while back I used to work in a company doing workstations for stock and commodity brokers. These things are their bread and butter: if they don't work, they can't do *a thing*. They thus tend to get frustrated easily.
One of them calls, and says, "No matter what I type, it doen't work". Get the machine exchanged, the keyboard is hopelessly damaged. A couple of days later, the same thing happens. We discovered that the guy used his *telephone handset* to bang on the keyboard to flip pages. The competition - obviously from similar experiences - had keyboards encased in sheetmetal, with very tough springs; these people only hit one key at a time anyway, and didn't touch type, so that was OK...
In a similar vein, a frustrated customer had, on a bad trade, *ripped* his console from the data feed - the back panel was still hanging to the wall outlet.
We got bit by this again when we introduced mice on our systems: now *they* were getting banged up by people using them do dial the phone!! To solve all these problems, we had to install routines to detect keyboard banging (lots of keys pressed too quickly in succession) and mouse banging (that took some work) and beep *real loud* - they'd get embarrassed and not do it anymore. Abuse management - a whole new area in user interfaces!

----------------------------------------------------

A couple summers ago, I worked at a university department where the followi ng
event occured. One of the people in accounting had this program called DRAIN.EXE which first displays a message
System Error -- There is water in the disk drive
Taking care of it now
Draining water from disk drive
This is when the program starts to make trickling sounds. Then, after a fe w
seconds, it would print the message
Starting spin cycle
Here, the disk drive would start spinning and the computer makes a sort of whirring sound which increases incrementally in pitch.
Then it would all stop and display the message that everything was now OK and the person could use the computer. Well, as I said, one person had this program which he left on a disk in the victim's computer. He naturally set-up the AUTOEXEC.BAT file to run the program. Having been forewarned about the afternoon entertainment, we waited for the tell-tale noise. Later, as planned the victim turns on her computer.
As we listened, we heard the trickling sound. Then it stopped. Then we heard it again. When we looked into her office, she looking underneath the computer. Perhaps she was looking for the water draining out of the disk drive.
Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 09:06:05 MST
From: Phil Corless
Subject: Dog and Cat


With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you take him for walks and he thinks, "Wow, this guy must be a god.
With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for him and he thinks, "Wow, I must be a god."

Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 13:59:04 -0500
From: "Dr. Jeffry Luria"
Subject: Slightly Off Color




Fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!" She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!

He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings".

Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great". Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult.

He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible." To which the physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself:
"Feels great, looks great, no that's not you".
"Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you".
"Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you...
"It says here you're a vagina!"

Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 14:19:00 -0400
From: "jon (j.) bisbey"
Subject: Sexual Joke

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 19:36:31 -0400
From: TK Baltimore
Subject: Humor: Academic talk (offensive to professors)

The left is what the professor says, the right is what the professor means.
By J. Timothy Petersik
from the Chronicle of Higher Education

You'll be using one of the leading I used it as a grad student. textbooks in the field.

If you follow these few simple rules, If you don't need any sleep, you'll you'll do fine in the course. do fine in the course.
The gist of what the author is saying I don't understand the details is what's most important. either.

Various authorities agree that... My hunch is that...

The answer to your question is beyond I don't know.
the scope of this class.

You'll have to see me during my office I don't know.
hours for a thorough answer to your
question.

In answer to your question, you must I really don't know.
recognize that there are several
disparate points of view.

Today we are going to discuss a most Today we are going to discuss my important topic. dissertation.

Unfortunately, we haven't the time to I disagree with what roughly half of consider all of the people who made the people in this field have said. contributions to this field.

We can continue this discussion outside 1. I'm tired of this - let's quit. of class. 2. You're winning the arguement - let's quit

Today we'll let a member of the class I stayed out to late last night and lead the discussion. It will be a good didn't have time to prepare educational experience. lecture.

Any questions? I'm ready to let you go.
The implications of this study are I don't know what it means either, clear. but there'll be a question about it on the test.

The test will be 50-questions The test will be 60-questions multiple multiple choice. guess, plus three short-answer questions (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 55 per cent.
The test scores were generally good. Some of you managed a C+.
The test scores were a little below Where was the party last night? my expectations.

Some of you could have done better. Everyone flunked.

Before we begin the lecture for Has anyone opened the book yet? today, are there any questions about
previous material?

According to my sources... According to the guy who taught this class last year...

It's been very rewarding to teach I hope they find someone else to this class. teach it next year.

Date: Fri, 6 May 1994 09:08:30 MEX
From: Antonio Oliveros
Subject: Best police in the world contest. (Offensive to mexican cops, cruel to animals)


In a effort to know wich police corporation in the world is the best, a contest is held, Tere are polices for all over the world. The contest consist of catching a rabbit in the forest.
The first group is scotland yard. they release the rabbit and two days latter, they return with the rabbit.
judges: Hey that was very impressive, how do you do it?
S.Y.: We follow the trail of carrot leftovers until we found the rabbit. Next group will be the KGB. On the next day they returns with the rabbit. Judges: how do you do it? That was FAST!
KGB: You know, comrad, we asked the rabbit friends, follow his trail, put microphones all over his place...
Judes: o.k. Next group will be the FBI.
12 hours latter, the FBI returned the rabbit.
Judges: Ok. What do you do to catch the rabbit?
FBI: That was a piece of cake, we followed him wit a spy satellite and catch him on the spot.
Judges Ok. next group will be the mexican Judicial police (Federal officers). Half an hour later, they return with... A GORILA!
The poor animal were all covered with bruises and had a bleeding nose. Judges : Hey guys, where is the rabbit?
one of the Judiciales snaps his fingers (Blues brothers stile). Gorila: I swear in my mothers name, I AM THE RABBIT!, PLEASE BELIVE ME, I AM THE RABBIT!

Date: Fri, 6 May 1994 15:04:11 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Humor: Academic ranks explained

THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God.

Date: Sat, 7 May 1994 21:58:18 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Executive's expense accounts for July/August
EXPENSE ACCOUNT FOR JULY / AUGUST

JUL 1 Ad for female secretary 3.50
JUL 2 Violets for new secretary 2.00
JUL 8 Week's salary for new secretary 100.00
JUL 9 Roses for secretary 15.00
JUL 11 Candy for wife 1.25
JUL 13 Lunch with secretary 9.00
JUL 15 Week's salary for secretary 125.00
JUL 16 Movie tickets (Self & Wife) 2.50
JUL 18 Theatre tickets (Self & Secretary) 20.00
JUL 19 Milkshake for wife .50
JUL 22 Virginia's salary 150.00
JUL 23 Champagne and dinner for Ginny 8.60
AUG 29 Doctor 500.00
AUG 30 Fur coat for wife 3,200.00
AUG 31 Ad for male secretary 3.50
--------
$ 4,180.85
Date: Fri, 6 May 1994 13:56:54 EDT
From: Whitmark Christop CDT
Subject: Gorilla joke bad words non offensive

There was a zoo keeper of a new zoo in New York. This zoo didn't have gorillas yet, so the zoo keeper sent his helper to go get three gorillas. The guy went to Africa and started asking where he could get gorillas for his zoo. He was pointed in the direction of one bar. He went in and asked where he could find gorillas, and the bartender told him to go see Joe. So this guy went to see Joe. He said he needed three gorillas for his zoo in New York. Joe says, "No problem, meet back here tomorrow at 5:00am, it will cost you $10,000 per gorilla." Guy said ok.
The next day at 5:00 he showed up at the bar, and there was Joe in a truck with a guy sitting next to him with a gun, and a dog in the back. So they go out and see a gorilla in a tree. They stop, and Joe gets out with a bat in his hand. He climbs the tree up over the gorilla, and lets him have it. The gorilla is stunned by the blow, and falls out of the tree. When he hits the ground the dog jumps out, runs over and bites the gorilla in the balls. The gorilla is in such pain they just through him in the cage in the back of the truck. They contiue on, and see another gorilla in a tree. They stop, and Joe gets out with a bat in his hand. He climbs the tree up over the gorilla, and lets him have it. The gorilla is stunned by the blow, and falls out of the tree. When he hits the ground the dog jumps out, runs over and bites the gorilla in the balls. The gorilla is in such pain they just through him in the cage in the back of the truck. The guy from the zoo just can't belive it. He tells Joe, "Man this is great, how did you learn this." Joe said it was a secret. The man said, "This is great and all, but $10,000 is a lot of money. What do you do with it all. Joe said, "well, 30% for me, 30% for the dog, and 30% for my friend." The man said, "alright, I can see paying you the money, and maybe even the dog, but this other guy hasn't done a thing yet." Joes said, "oh his job very important, trust me." Ok, so they contiue on, and they come upon a huge old gorilla. They stop, Joe gets out, climbs the tree, and takes a swing a the gorilla. But this gorilla is old and wise, he ducks. Joe misses, losses his balance and falls. When he hits the ground, he yells, "John, shoot the fucking dog."


Date: Tue, 10 May 1994 07:42:31 -0500
From: "S. Chastain"
Subject: Risque joke with an adult theme


One winter day, Fred's neighbor Sam, came up to Fred's door and started pounding on it with a great deal of anger. Fred came to the door to see a red faced Sam screaming obscenities.
SAM: That @#$%^&* son of yours has been pissing in my snow bank!!!!! FRED: How do you know it was my son?
SAM: That @#$%^&* son of yours wrote his name in the snow!!!!
FRED: Well.. I'll speak to him about it, but I gotta tell ya, I'm not sure what your so fired up about, is it really that bad?
SAM: (screaming): What I'm most angry about is it's my daughters handwriting!!

Date: Wed, 11 May 1994 15:40:04 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 4.F A collection of clean humor gathered on: 11 Mar 89

My father, a Professor of Journalism at Kent State University (this is NOT the funny part of the post) is looking for excuses. (Neither is this.)

He's hoping to get a book out containing all the best excuses students/ employees give forr why they weren't in class/missed the test/didn't finish the assignment/etc. Send any good ones to TSMITH@KENTVM.BITNET or mail to Tim Smith, School of Journalism and Mass Comm.,Kent State University, Kent, OH 44262.
Latest examples include:
I couldn't come to class because my buffalo herd got loose. (true!) I couldn't come to class last week because my father was overthrown. (True; student's father WAS president of Uganda)

----------------------------------------------------

There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire
summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

----------------------------------------------------

The newly appointed priest wat being briefed by the housekeeper on problems in the rectory that required immediate attention.
"Your roof needs repair, Father" she said. "Your water pressure is bad and your furnace is not working."
"Now Mrs. Kelly," hte priest allowed, "you've been here for five years and I only a few days. Why not say OUR roof and OUR furnace?" Several weeks later, when the paster was meeting with the bishop and several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office, terribly upset. "Father, Father" she blurted, "There's a mouse in our room and it's under our bed!!!!!!"

Date: Thu, 12 May 1994 09:18:10 EDT
From: Pat Kelso
Subject: Mild Adult theme...Off to some Women

A man charged into the Police Station frantically searching for the lieutenant.....

"Lieutenant, I think my wife is DEAD!!!"

"You Think.?.?.?" :-|

"Yeah,...well the Sex is the same, but the dirty dishes are piling up in the sink !!!"


Date: Thu, 12 May 1994 10:21:46 -0500
From: "Steve, Ext. 2337"
Subject: Two Clean Jokes


One day a small boy, who was certain he was the greatest human being alive, decided to become the greatest baseball batter in history. He took his little bat and ball out to the backyard. He tossed the ball up and swung at it and missed badly. Frustrated and angry, he picked up the ball and tried it again, but missed it again with his best home run swing. Very angry now, he tried it again, while really concentrating, but missed it badly. Suddenly he thought to himself, "Gee..I must be the world's greatest pitcher!"

********************************************************************************
One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled. It was a brilliant lecture. Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel came down and approached the teacher.
She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowlegde."
Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear the first words from a man with infinite wisdom.
He said, "It would of been wiser to take the money..."


Date: Fri, 13 May 1994 09:39:26 -0500
From: Ian Chai
Subject: Magic; thieves

Tom and Jack are on an expedition to the center of Africa, when they are suddenly surrounded by a group of small,
painted, evil-looking natives.

Tom says, "We have nothing to fear. See me get us out
of this one!"

So he approaches the one that is wearing the fancy feathers - obviously the chief, and, reaching into his poscket, pulls out a bic lighter. He makes sure that he has the chief's undivided attention and "flicks" it on.

Well, the chief is suprised! He turns to one of the elders and says, "Look at that! It lit the first time!!!"

Date: Sat, 14 May 1994 13:50: 4 CDT
From: A Punny Guy
Subject: Eine kleine Rockmusic

A serious but unclear-on-the-concept listener called a classical music station's request line to ask for Wolfgang Mozart's "I'm inclined to knock music"...


From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Early Almanac humor: Drunkards (2)

A drunkard having but one of his eyes left with drinking, was warned by the physicians to leave off tippling, or else he would lose the other eye also: "Faith," says he, "I care not if I do; for I do confess ingeniously, I have seen enough, but I have not drunk enough." (Bickerstaff's Genuine Almanack for 1789)


A rich farmer having a wife who frequently got intoxicated with cider; in order to deter her from following that practice, told her one day, that the next time she got in that trim, he would bury her, and accordingly had a coffin made for her and brought home to his house. Not long after, however the farmer had occasion to go from home, and his wife, not minding his threats, nor regarding the sight of her coffin, took the opportunity of drinking her fill; the farmer coming home, found her drunk on the floor; he accordingly had her put into the coffin, and conveyed down cellar, and there waited till she came to her senses; as soon as she came too, and reflecting on her past folly, thinking she had left the terrestrial world, with all its good juice of the apple--she began knocking on the side of her coffin, and addressed herself, in an audible voice, in these words--"Ye
inhabitants of this new world, have you here any good cider?"
(Stoddard's Diary: or, The Columbian Almanack for 1797)



Date: Mon, 16 May 1994 10:49:31 -0400
From: Larry Randall
Subject: Condom Humor

Trojan Condom Company
6969 Slippery Root Dr.
Droptrouser, IN 22269


Dear Sir;

We regret to inform you that your application to model our product, Trojan Condoms has been rejected.

Although your general appearence is not too bad, our board of directors feel that your wearing of our condoms does not project a positive romantic image. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.
We did admire your efforts to firm it up using Poly-Grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip until now.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. Your application will remain on file for future consideration, should we decide that there is a market for Micro-Mini-Condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest to your wife and/or girlfriend.
Sincerely,
Burly Dick, President
Trojan Condom Company

p.s. Remember our slogan:

Cover your stump before you hump - don't be silly protect the willy - before you attack her, wrap your wacker - if you're not going to poke it, go home and stroke it!

Date: Mon, 16 May 1994 17:51:00 -0400
From: "jon (j.) bisbey"
Subject: Corpse humour.


A lecturer at a medical college asked a colleague to help him with a shenanigan. He explained that he was shortly conducting a tour for prospective students, during which they would be coming down to the vaults to get their first look at a corpse. The idea was that his friend would play the corpse, and when his drawer was opened and the visitors were examining he would suddenly jump to his feet, thereby scaring the life out of them.

The friend agreed, and at the appointed hour the lecturer loaded him into the cold storage unit.

It was only when he was inside that he realized that the storage unit was not divided into individual cubicles. Instead, each slab was suspended on rails in a large open chamber, and he was surrounded by corpses on all sides.

After a few minutes he found the whole thing a bit too creepy, and he began hesitantly to call out things like, "Errm, Dave... maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all... d'you think you could let me out, I've changed my mind..... *are you listening...?* _Is There Anyone Out There...?_, HEELLLOOO..., HELP???!..."

Whereupon the body on the slab next to him leaned over, tapped him on the shoulder and, in a deep voice, said, "Would you keep the noise down, there's people in here trying to sleep!"

Naturally he screamed, and started hammering to be let out. Finally the drawer was opened and his slab was pulled out. He leapt off into the outside room... where most of the faculty were waiting for him, having been listening outside the whole time.

Date: Tue, 17 May 1994 09:57:38 -0400
From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now."
Subject: Humor: An airline pilot with a PR problem (clean)
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This man was an excellent pilot, but not very good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane preceeding him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold descent while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement to the passengers: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a
short delay before our arrival. They've closed the
airport while they clean up what's left of the last
airplane that landed there."
- - - - - - - - Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air, and one of the flight attendants relayed their concern to the captain. His announcement to the passengers:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some
of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing
tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps.
Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to
worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much
as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see,
we're nowhere near that yet."

Date: Tue, 17 May 1994 13:04:14 EDT
From: Whitmark Christop CDT
Subject: Cartoon Laws of Physics

Just a warning, the original massage has a small colored signature that may change the color of your email, it did mine. Don't panic, it will go back to normal when you log back on next time, atleast mine does.


Original-Date: Tue, 17 May 94 12:46:29 EDT
Original-From: x73745f1 (Carlson Melanie CDT)


CARTOON LAWS OF PHYSICS

Cartoon Law I:
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of it's situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II:
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, chartoon characters are so absolute in ther momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsized boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the Stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III:
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to it's perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of direct-pressure explosions and reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.


Cartoon Law IV:
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to catch it inevitably unsuccessful.


Cartoon Law V:
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Phychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandlier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.


Cartoon Law VI:
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth and claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.


Cartoon Law VII:
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances, others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately the problem of art, not science.


Cartoon Law VIII:
A violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordian-pleated, spindled or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few seconds of blinking self-pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of it's container.


Cartoon Law IX:
Everything falls faster than an anvil.


Cartoon Law X:
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck.


Cartoon Law Amendment A:
A sharp object will always propel a character upaward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin) a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B:
The laws of object permanence are nullified for 'cool' characters.
Characters who are intended to be 'cool' can make previously non-existent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the road runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendent C:
Gravity is transmitted by slow moving waves of large wavelength.
Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. It's feet will begin to fall first, causing it's legs to stretch. As the wave reaches it's torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume it's regular proportions until such a time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment D:
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.


Cartoon Law Amendment E:
Dynamite is spontaneoulsy generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

This process is analagous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulate that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in cool characters (see amendment B which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.


Date: Wed, 18 May 1994 17:48:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K."
Subject: HOW MANY?
From:usr1789a(Vlasta Molak)

How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as diabolic government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win the Pulitzer prize for reporting that the Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place!

Date: Wed, 18 May 1994 16:41:07 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 4.H A collection of clean humor gathered on: 11 Mar 89

"Oh dear! I've missed you so much!" said the sweet young thing--then she raised the revolver and tried again.

----------------------------------------------------

In today's paper Miss Manners was asked how to handle people who call up and don't introduce themselves. Who say, "Sally, don't you recognize my voice, don't you know who this is?"
Miss Manners suggested saying "I'm sorry, I don't know who you are either. Call me back when you remember." And then hang up.

----------------------------------------------------

( This joke has been told by many deaf people and has been recorded in a few books on deaf culutre. The interpretation of this joke is mine, though. )
A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car. Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin in the car's glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes something: he can't remember which room was his! He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the motel's windows lighten up -- except one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window.
----------------------------------------------------

Diffusion and Driving Habits in the Boston Metropolitan Area The following was presented to me by Livia Racz (bink@athena.mit.edu). This comes from a lecture given by Professor D. R. Sadoway on atomistic diffusion...

-------------

Most people drive by the vacancy mechanism. If you're standing at a traffic light, you'll notice that you get to move when the vacancy is in front of you. That's in most civilized places. Fortunately, you live in a part of the world where this is not the case. There are certain places where people drive by the interstitialcy mechanism; this is one of them.
(The interstitialcy mechanism, for those of you who don't know, is where one atom knocks another atom out of its lattice site to an interstitial point, and the first atom takes its place...)

----------------------------------------------------

[From The Seattle Times, Saturday, Dec 17th]

"The University of Wisconsin presented nearly 4,000 diplomas to graduates in May, but it took six months for someone to notice that the name of the state was misspelled 'Wisconson'."


Date: Wed, 18 May 1994 22:53:12 -0500
From: Shyam Bhatia
Subject: Humor: Real Quality Dog

John went to a pet store and selected a kind looking dog. He asked the salesperson about the dog's pedigree. She said the dog came from a very long line of distinguished ancestors. Both its father and grandfather were dogs. Its mother, she said, was a bitch and its grandmother was a r-e-a-l bitch. John was delighted and said,"Is this dog smart and intelligent?" "Oh, yes," she said, "this dog is so smart that within a week
it would teach your entire family to talk in its language."
John was impressed and asked if the dog was faithful. The
salesperson replied,"I have sold this dog five times and it has always come back."

Date: Wed, 18 May 1994 23:08:06 -0600
From: Jesse DuPont
Subject: Dumb lady who can't say no.

A lady was talking to a radio show host and was talking about how she just couldn't say no.
"I am very easily seduced and usually always end up in bed. What can I do to not get pregnant?"
"Well, you can try this method. Just before the man is about to orgasm, say, 'Alright smartass, what are you gonna name the kid?' and he will leave."
"Ok, I'll try it..."
So, the very next weekend, she was at a dance club with a friend (female) and this fella came up to her and eventually got her in bed. She could tell he was about to orgasm and she stopped him and said, "Ok, smartass, what are you gonna name the baby?"
He was so scared, he left the building almost undressed.
The next weekend, the girl was at a bar with a couple of her female friends and another fella came up to her and eventually got her in bed at her place. Just as he was about to orgasm, she stopped him and said, "Ok, smartass, what are you gonna name the kid?" He shot out of there so quickly, she didn't know what happened.
Needless to say, she was rather satisfied with the method.
Well, the next weekend, she was back at the dance club and a guy who saw her get seduced by the other guy a couple of weeks ago came up to her and get her in bed. However, he was smarter than the other two and used a condem. Just as he was about to orgasm, she stopped him and said, "Ok smartass, what are you gonna name the baby?" He just kept right on a goin. Rather shocked, she said, "OK SMARTASS, what are you gonna name the baby?" He just ignored her and did his thing. Finally, they all done and were lying there on the bed, she said one last time, "OK SMARTASS, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA NAME THE BABY?" He got up and pulled off his condem, tied it in a know and said, "Houdini if he can get out of this thing..."


Date: Thu, 19 May 1994 16:57:30 -0400
From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now."
Subject: Humor: A man and woman crash a car (very risque)

A man and a woman decided to travel to a deserted mountain road to make love. They park the car on a sloping shoulder off the road, take off all of their clothes, hop into the back seat, and start to rock the car.
Well, the car is an older model, and they forget to set the emergency brake properly, and so the car starts rolling. Off the slope, over a small overhang, and crashes. The woman is thrown clear, but the man is pinned inside the car.
Man: "You're going to have to go get some help, I'm stuck."
Woman: "Go get some help? I'm completely naked, you idiot."

The man grumbles, gropes around the car as best he can, and pulls out one of his shoes. "Here," he says, "put this where it will do you the most good, and go get some help, fer Chrissakes."

So the woman wedges the shoe between her legs, and starts waddling down the road.

Soon, she reaches a little shack. She knocks on the door, and an old grizzled gentleman answers.

"You've got to help my boyfriend," blurts the nearly-naked woman, "he's stuck."

The old gentleman eyes the woman up and down and replies, "Honey, if he's in that far, I can't help him."

Date: Fri, 20 May 1994 11:34:17 -0400
From: Tom Rowe
Subject: Memory

This joke was posted on Bahai-Discuss by Lisa-Laurie Early:


An elderly couple, getting on in years and losing their memory, decide to take a Memory Course.

They take the course and the husband is thrilled he feels it has changed his life. He and his wife meet their friend Bill on the street and the husband says to him, "Bill, you just have to take this incredible memory course my wife and I just attended, it's fantastic! You won't believe the improvement."

Bill says, "Wow, great, what's the name of the course?"

The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What's the name of that flower? You know the one with the long stem and the thorns?" "You mean a rose?" his wife replies.


"Yeah, that's it!" (pause)


"Rose, what was the name of that memory course?"

Date: Sat, 21 May 1994 23:05:38 LCL
From: Alar Pardla
Subject: JOKE: 3 men in heaven (risque)


Three men are waiting at the gates of heaven to get into the heaven. As there is no-one there to let them in, they start to chat. Soon the discussion slides to how they all died. They'll found out all three deaths were connected with cars.

First man was German: "I was doing 260 km/h (about 140 mph) on the Autobahn (german highway, where are no speed limits), when I had a flat tire, I crached with my car, so here I am."

Second man was Frenchman: "I was making passionate love with my girlfriend in my car. Car was parked on the hill, where we observed the sunset. Unfortunately the hand-brake didn't hold the car at one place, so at the end I drowned in my car."

Third man was Russian: "Well, I gathered money for my own car for 10 years, and when I had all the money I died from starwing."


Date: Mon, 23 May 1994 10:30:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
Subject: Newspaper report from Japan + Irish joke on sandwiches

#1
In a newspaper it was reported that a company in Japan has
started a rail tour for Japanese women. This tour has an unusual theme as it centres around the hijacking of the train by a team of 'terrorists'! Apparently the terrorists will subject these
female tourists to all of the usual 'terror' associated with such events. The company has been overwhelmed by enquiries and
bookings!


#2
Working on a new building are three construction workers - Jim
the Englishman, Jock the Scotsman and Paddy the Irishman. The
building has reached 15 floors and it is there that we find the 3 workers sitting down to eat their lunch.

Jim opens his lunchbox and groans "Oh no! Not cheese and onion
sandwiches again! My wife has given me the same sandwiches for
lunch for the last 8 years. I'm sick of it. If she gives me
cheese and onion sandwiches once more, I think I'll jump off this building and end it all!"

Jock opens his lunchbox "Damn! Tuna fish again! This has been the same for every lunch for the last 12 years. I'm with you Jim, if my wife gives me tuna in my sandwiches again I'm going to jump
off this building!"

Now it's Paddy's turn "Hell, for the 20 years now I've got
chicken sandwiches for lunch. I'm with you fellas. Chicken once more and I'm jumping."

The following day finds the three friends sat on the edge of the 15th floor with lunch boxes on their laps. Opening his box Jim
looks, says "Typical - bloody cheese and onion" and jumps off to his death. Jock opens his box and cries "I can't stand it - tuna fish again!". Jock hurls himself to the ground 15 floors below. Paddy is clearly impressed by this demonstration of solidarity
and when he opens his box he looks inside and throws himself off followed by chicken sandwiches.

A week later the coroner declares that in all 3 cases the court has no choice but to decide on death by misadventure. However, as he looks meaningfully towards the three widows sat together, he adds "This is a most distressing case. Three men have died in the their prime. We have heard evidence that in all three cases the fall from the top of the building immediately followed the
opening of their lunch boxes. It is difficult not to conclude
that something in those lunch boxes contributed to this tragic
event."

As the widows left the court Jim's wife wipes tears from her eyes and says to the other widows "Well no-one can blame me for Jim's death. All that was in his lunch box were his cheese and onion
sandwiches, which I've made him for the last 8 years. He loves
his cheese and onion sandwiches." Jock's wife adds "Aye and there can be no blame for me for what happened to Jock. His lunch box had his tuna fish sandwiches, which I've been making him for the last 12 years. He loved his tuna fish sandwiches." Finally
Paddy's wife sobbed "And no-one can blame me as Paddy's box only contained his chicken sandwiches, which he's been making for
himself every day for the last 20 years!"

Date: Mon, 23 May 1994 09:52:06 -0600
From: Doug Gwilliam
Subject: Brooster the Rooster

This is the story of Brewster the Rooster.

There was this farmer, and his hens had stopped producing eggs. Well, he talked to a buddy of his who offered to sell him a rooster that would help up his production. His price was $150.00, but came with a money- back guarantee. Now this farmer had already spent $200.00 on two previous roosters that didn't work out on account of they couldn't satisfy his hens.
Anyhow, he gambled and bought this third rooster, who's name
(you guessed it) is Brewster.
Well, he got Brewster home an' threw him in the henhouse. There was all this cacklin' & squawkin', and the farmer thought, poor Brewster, he ain't a gonna make it.
He comes back to the henhouse 1/2 an hour later and everythings' quiet.
He takes a peek in there, and all the hens are satisfied & fast asleep.
Suddenly, he heard a terrible racket out in the barn, so he ran to it and ripped the doors open. To his surprise, there was Brewster with all the cows lined up, and he was trying his best to mate with them! "God bless it!" the farmer said, "Brewster, you're going to kill yourself!" Brewster didn't pay him no mind, and kept right on at it. Well, the farmer had some more work to do, so he left him there, and came back a couple of hours later.
He opened up the barn doors, and durned if the cows weren't fast asleep! So he went to check on the horses, and they were tired out & fast asleep too!!!
Then he heard a ruckus from out behind the barn, and rushed to see what was the matter. Sure enough, it was Brewster, and he had all the pigs lined up, and he was still going strong!!! He cried
"BREWSTER! You're Going To Kill Yourself!!!" And with that he tried to pull him off, but there weren't no budging him.
Well, it was about the time for Farmer John to turn in, so he did. The next morning, he came out into the backyard, tripping over his satisfied & sleeping dog. After checking on all the animals & finding them in the same condition, he started looking for Brewster. But Brewster was nowhere to be found. Finally heading out to the fields, he found him, as a result of the vultures circling over Brewster.
Brewster was lying on his back, ....both legs in the air,
....tongue dried & hanging out, ....one eye open & glassy, ...one wing over his chest, and the other splayed out on the ground.
Farmer John took a ragged breath and said "Brewster, I told you once, I told you a million times, You were going to kill yourself, and now look at you!!!!"
Brewster slowly opened up his other eye, brought the wing on his chest up to his beak as he tried to speak. Farmer John leaned closer so he could hear Brewster's last words....

Brewster opened up his beak, pointed up to the vultures, and said:

" Shhhh. Go'way. They're about to land. "

Date: Tue, 24 May 1994 14:44:53 -0400
Subject: Bedroom Golf (Sexual theme, kindof)


Rules of Bedroom Golf



1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3) Unlike outdoor golf, the objective is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4) For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Coarse owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. 10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particulary when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players are have been known to become irate if they
discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course. 11) Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12) Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting the back nine.
13) Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15) Loss of balls in ruff will result in immediate dismissal from the course. 16) The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Date: Wed, 25 May 1994 12:13:03 LCL
From: Alar Pardla
Subject: short jokes!!!!

To bricks are falling down from unfinished building. One is Young and the other one is old!
The young one panics "OH NO, WE ARE GONNA DIE! OH NOOOOO!!!"
But the old one stays calm, "No were not gonna die, see we are going to land ontop op those two building constructor man standing down there."
"BUT THEY ARE WEARING HELMETS, WERE STILL GOING TO DIE!!!" - the yoiung one is still freaked.
"No way", says the old one, "Watch this: HEY YOU THERE!!!!!".
Both construction man are looking up......


Date: Wed, 25 May 1994 07:40:39 CDT
From: Jim Harris
Subject: A Short Joke

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician were debating which of their pro- fession was the oldest.

"Eve was made from Adam's rib," said the surgeon, "and that, of course, was a surgical procedure."

"Yes," countered the engineer, "but before that, order was created out of all chaos - and that most certainly was an engineering job."

"Ah-ha!" exclaimed the politician triumphantly. "And just WHO do you think created the chaos!"


Date: Wed, 25 May 1994 15:33:24 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Almanac humor: Pope v. Devil
An attorney observed a boy about nine years of age, diverting
himself at play, whose eccentric appearance attracted his
attention, "Come here my lad," said he. The boy accordingly came, and after chatting a bit, asked the attorney what case was to be tried next. "A case between the Pope and the devil," (answered
the attorney), "and which do you suppose will gain the action?" "I don't know," said the boy, "I guess 'twill be a pretty tight
squeeze; the Pope has the most money, but the devil has the most lawyers." (The New-England Almanack for 1801)



Date: Wed, 25 May 1994 17:00:28 -0400
From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now."
Subject: Humor: Timmy goes to Confessions (slightly offensive)
In a one-priest Irish Catholic Parish everybody knows everybody else. One Saturday, a waggish young lad by the name of Timmy went to confession. The priest, after hearing Timmy's sins, said - "Timmy, I have it on good advice that you are fooling around with one of the married women in the parish."
Timmy protested his innocence, but the priest would have none of it. "Timmy," he said "tell me, is it Mrs. Monahan?"
"No father I hardly know the woman!"
"All right then Timmy, is it Mrs. O'Connell?"
"Mrs. O'Connell, father she's the wife of one of my very best friends! I would never lay hands on her!"
"Timmy, this is your last chance - I'm losing my patience. Is it Mrs. O' Hara?"
"No Father, I wouldn't dream of..."
"TIMMY! I don't wan't to hear it. You've come to this confessional and lied to me! I want you to consider the seriousness of this matter for a month and come back and confess who it is to me."

On the way out Timmy meets a good friend of his on his way to the confessional. The friend asks Timmy "Is the Father in a good mood today?" Timmy replies, "Oh yes, the Father is in a GRAND mood - he gave me a month off, and three good leads!"

Date: Thu, 26 May 1994 03:40:13 LCL
From: Alar Pardla
Subject: 3 jokes


A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.
"If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway."

-----

Two hunters were forced by a storm to seek overnight shelter in a house occupied by an old widow. When they met again the following hunting season, one asked, "Tell me, Bob, did You screw that old bag we stayed with last year?"
"Yes," admitted Bob, "I'm afraid I did."
"And you used my name - and told her you were me?"
"Yeah, I did that too," laughed Bob. "I didn't knock her up, did I?" "No, no," smiled Bob's friend. "It's just that she died yesterday and left me the house and a couple of hundred thousand big ones."

-----

"Why are You so down?", Wade asked a depressed man at the health club. "When I saw you here yesterday, you were arm in arm with that gorgeous areobics instructor."
"Well, we went to her place and had a few drinks," the man explained. "Then she said, 'Marvin, take off my blouse', and a moment later, 'Marvin, take off my leotard.' Before long, she said, 'Marvin, take off my bra.' Then, finally, she said, 'Oh, Marvin, take off my
panties'."
"Oh, You had it made!" Wade moaned enviously, "Was it great?"
"I suppose so. But after that, I couldn't se epast Marvin."


-----

One man (John) desperetly wants to fuck a woman, but all her lady- friens are out of town, or otherwise unavailable. He goes to a friend Joe, who is a gigolo. "I need a woman, please help me out", he tells to his friend.
"OK, that's easy. Go with train. After three stops You must exit the train. There You will see a 3-floor building. Go to appartement no. 7. When the woman opens the door, just say, 'I came here to fuck You.'. It's as simple as this."
Off John goes. Time flies in a train, cause John examines with his eyes all the women in the train. (unfortunately he misses one train- stop.) When he exits the train, he actually notices a three- floor house (but this is another one). He goes to appartement no. 7 and tells the lady, "I'm here to Fuck You". They get inside, undressed and right to the bed. Afrer few "rounds" John hears that someone opening the front door. He tries to dress himself, but he's not fast enough. The husband enters: "IN WHITCH TRAIN STOP I DID TELL YOU TO EXIT!" yells Joe.


Date: Thu, 26 May 1994 10:38:00 PDT
From: Cox Terry 5741
Subject: Racial (offensive to blacks and Jews)

Little Johny came home one day and asked his mother (who was Jewish) if he was more black or more Jewish. His mother said that she did not know and told him to ask his father. He asked his father (who was black) the same question, "Am I more black or more Jewish?" His father didn't know the answer to that question either. He then asked him why he wanted to know? Little Johnny says "Well there's a kid down the street trying to sell a bicycle and I don't know whether to Jew him down or steal the damn thing."