From: Angel Dey
Subject: HUMOR: Humor about cats
From: Tim Heller
When I was younger (living with my parents) we had a cat.. A very nasty cat. One night my parents went out for evening and left us with a babysitter. The cat was being particularly nasty this evening -- tearing around the house, shredding things with it's claws & other nasty things. My brother, sister and myself were trying to find a way to get rid of this cat. It was my brother's(the older one) idea to put the cat in the freezer. My sister and I thought this was a wonderful.
So, we caught the cat - and into the freezer it went.
My parents got home a while later, looked around the house and wondered where the cat was. We proudly told my parents that we had solved the problem of the nasty cat... we put it into the freezer.
OH NO - my mother said... She immediately got the cat out of freezer - it was frozen solid. My mother call the Vet - he said pour gasoline on the cat. My mother thought this was rather strange, but went ahead and did it anyway. After a minute the cat got up slowly - took three steps and fell over again. My Mom called the Vet again, and explained what had happened. The Vet said "Well of course - the cat ran out of Gas"
HA HA HA HA HA -- That joke was hilarious when I was 8 years old.
Another: Fred and his wife have three cats, and this one male cat is firmly convinced that he owns the house and that Fred and his wife and the other cats are bloody lucky he lets them live there.
Well, every once in a while this cat takes it upon himself to show who's boss. Recently, his way of proving this is to pee on things he knows are important, right in front of you.
Fred had enough of this REAL QUICK, and finally, one day, the cat strolled over to a book lying on the floor, and started peeing. Fred decided to fight fire with fire, unzipped his fly, and peed on the cat.
You've never seen such a shocked cat in your life! The message was VERY CLEAR, and the peeing has stopped.
From: Joe Mole
Subject: Humor: Irish drinking joke
Mike, an Irish potato farmer was on his deathbed. Pat, his best friend of forty years was at his side.
"Pat... Pat..." Mike whispered.
"Yes me friend, what is it?" Pat replied
"Pat, over there, behind the bookcase, I have managed to hide a 30 year old bottle of Irish whiskey. When I die, and before they bury me, I want you to pour it over me casket."
Pat looked at him for a moment, and said, "d'ya mind if I strain it through me kidneys first..."
Don't read this if you are offended by elephant jokes!
Why are elephants wrinkled??
Have you every tried ironing one?
From: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA"
Subject: IRA humor - doubtless offensive
In honour of St.Patty's, I (belatedly) offer a couple of IRA jokes, for which I will probably be flamed badly. As pre-emptive defence, may I point out that IT'S JUST A JOKE! Jeez. Why don't we give Ulster back already?
Paddy and Sean were off on a beautiful sunny afternoon drive to the local police station, to drop off the weekly bomb. As usual, Paddy was driving, and Sean sat next to him with the bomb on his lap. Suddenly, Paddy realized that something was wrong. Sean's face slowly turned ashen grey, and a look of horror came over him. "Sean, Sean! Speak to me sun. Wha's the madder?"
"Well Paddy, hav yer ever thought wha' we'd do if tha bomb wen' off here in the car?"
"Oh to be shure don' worry. We can awl-ways make another one."
As misfortune would have it, that day there was in fact a mishap, and the bomb went off, ejecting our two heros from the car and landing them in a nearby field. Paddy was lying stunned for a while, unable to see his friend. "Sean, Sean! Speak to me! Are yer alright lad?"
"Oh Paddy, Oy tink Oy've lost me legs."
"Never you moind lad. Oy can see 'em over here."
Subject: Life 3.Q A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Nov 88
-- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analysis --
Discoverer: Disputed. Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer, but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by Charles Babbage.
Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see below).
Occurrence: Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as extraction techniques are improved by Universities. Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous deposits of money.
Cost: The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower.
1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under pressure. However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium to remain useful.
2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to proceed.
3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium, etc. These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium.
4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around whiteboards. These devices seem to act as a buffer when
Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb much of the energy.
Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised
to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance is held. This will help to keep it stable.
5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks. This behaviour has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should take appropriate precautions just in case.
6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without producing anything.
7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly. It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium (especially the isotope Auditorium)
Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway. However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large quantities of money (eg commercial games writers). However, it seems that Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much.
From: Sim Webster
Subject: Humor: Knowledge pills
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."
From: JOHN STONE
A lady goes to the grocery store and gets turned on by the
Bag Boy. She asks him to carry her groceries to her car. On the way to the car she rubs up against him and says," You
know, I've got an itchy pussy?"
The bag boy answers," Sorry maam, but you'll have to point
it out. All those Japanese cars look alike to me!!"
From: "Mr. Pulaski"
Subject: Hunting Joke (Long but Funny)
THE DEER HUNT
1:00 am Alarm Clock rings
2:00 am Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am Throw everything except kitchen sink into Pickup
3:00 am Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am Drive back home to pick up gun
3:30 am Drive like hell to get to woods before daylight
4:00 am Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:30 am Head for woods
6:05 am See eight deer
6:06 am Take aim and squeeze trigger
6:07 am Click!!!
6:08 am Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
8:00 am Head back to camp
9:00 am Still looking for camp
10:00 am Realize you don't know where camp is
NOON Fire gun for help- eat wild berries
12:15 pm Run out of bullets - eight deer come back
12:20 pm Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm Realize you ate poisonous berries
12:45 pm Rescued
12:55 pm Rushed to the hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm Load gun- leave camp again
5:00 pm Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm Arrive at camp- See deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm Load gun
6:02 pm Fire gun
6:03 pm One dead pickup
6:05 pm Hunting partners arrive in camp, dragging deers
6:06 pm Repress desire to shoot hunting partners
6:07 pm Fall into fire
6:10 pm Change clothes, throw burned ones in fire
6:15 pm Take pickup, leave hunting partners and their deer at camp 6:25 pm Pickup boils over- hole shot in block
6:26 pm Start walking
6:30 pm Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:45 pm Meet bear
6:36 pm Take aim
6:37 pm Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud
6:38 pm Mess pants
6:40 pm Climb tree
9:00 pm Bear leaves. Wrap %^&*(***% gun around tree
MIDNIGHT Home at last!!!!
SUNDAY Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope and mail
it to the game department with detailed instruction on
where to put it!!!!
From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now."
Subject: How your university can assign grades.....
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University (Name is classified) grade their final exams:
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELIGION:
- Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.
( I wish I was here)
From: LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898
Subject: Kids in church (cute)
Our pastor loves to use inscence at mass. One
Sunday, after using quite a bit of it, a young
child looked up and saw all the smoke rising
up off it. I a church voice only a child can
have we all heard, "Oh Oh, God's smoke detector
will be going off pretty soon."
The pastor has let up a bit on the inscence these
From: John Marra Naturalized Yooper
Subject: Best Pickup Lines
TOP TEN PICKUP LINES
1. Are you tired? You should be, you've been running through my mind all day.
2. "Want to have breakfast?" Sure. "Well then, should I call you or nudge you?"
3. Do your feet hurt?
Because it looks like you just fell down from heaven.
4. Is your daddy a thief?
Because someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
5. "Hey I like you outfit, but it will look better crumpled
up on my floor in the morning"
6. Hey, I here there is a Toga Party tonight.
Hey baby, want to get into my sheet????
7. "Hey, my name is _____, you should remember that because you'll be screaming it later.
8. It must be cold where you're standing but it's 98.6 right over here.
9. "Is that a mirror in your pocket because I'm sure that I see myself in your pants"
10. I wish that I could rearrange the alphabet so that I
could be next to you.
Date: Wed, 23 Mar 1994 14:04:06 -0500
From: Terrence Raymond Strohecker
Subject: Top 10 Aphorisms
1. In any given set of circumstances, the proper course of action is determined by subsequent events.
2. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 3. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingen ious.
4. If a job is not worth doing, it is not worth doing right.
5. Urgency varies inversely with importance
6. No real problem has a solution.
7. When there is no solution, there is no problem.
8. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
9. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
10. It is amazing how long it takes to complete something you are not working on.
Date: Wed, 23 Mar 1994 15:01:40 -0500
From: "SOMEONE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT HAS STOLEN MY IDEAS..."
Subject: Flood story (possibly offensive to religious)
There's was a horrendous storm which caused massive flooding for miles around this village. The flooding continued for at least a week. Now there was this one resident who was an extremely
religious elderly man.
On the second day of flooding, the National Guard evacuated the entire village, but the man refused to go. "This is my home," he said "and I am staying. I have put my faith in God to protect me and keep me from harm."
On the third day, the flood was about six feet deep, and the man took refuge on the roof of his house. A woman in a rowboat came by to try to rescue the man. He refused to go. "I believe that God will protect me. I have faith."
On the fourth day, the flood had begun to creep onto the roof. A Coast Guard boat came by and tried to convince the old man to come with them. "I'm not leaving," he stated. "This is my home. God will protect me."
On the fifth day, the old man was standing on the very top of the roof and the water was up to his knees. A helicopter came to
rescue him with a rope-ladder, but he would not be rescued.
"Leave me be. My God will protect me."
On the sixth day, the old man drowned.
When the old man finally made it through the pearly gates and was presented before God, he said "God, I've had great faith in you throughout my life, but I can't help but feel that in my last hours, when I needed you most, you left me to drown. Why did you leave me behind that way?"
And God said, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter! What else do you want?!?"
Date: Thu, 24 Mar 1994 15:33:31 CST
From: "McGrath, Lisa"
Subject: Rated PG13 - Sexually suggestive
Marvin Takes up Golf
My wife said to me "Marvin, it is about time that you learned golf - you know golf - that's the game where you chase a ball over the country when you are too old to chase women."
So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said "Sure, you've got balls, don't you?" I said "Yes, sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find." "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow," he said, "and we'll tee off." "What's tee off?" I asked. He said "That's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not for me" I said, "you can tee off there if you want to, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere." "No, no," he said "a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger." Yeah, I've got one of those. "Well", he said, "You stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." I asked "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought that you stood up and walked around." "You do," he said, "you're standing when you put your ball on the tee."
He said "You hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar." I said "I could well imagine." Then he said "And when your on the green - ". "What's the green?" I asked. "That's where the hole is" he said. "Sure you are not color blind?" I asked. "No. Then take your putter - ". "What's the putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest club made" he said. That's what I've got, a putter. "And with it," he said, "you put your ball in the hole." I corrected "You mean the putter?" He said "The ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter too." Well I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon. Then he said "After you make the first hole, you go to the next seventeen."
He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell. "You mean," he said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?" "Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, besides how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?" He said "Then the flag will go up."
That would be just my luck.
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 1994 14:07:00 -0500
From: "Amy L. Ward"
Subject: Computer sayings
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. /Earth is 98% full... please delete anyone you can.
1 bull, 3 cows.
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg
A list is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Don Knuth
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
All computers run at the same speed... with the power off.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Another megabytes the dust.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. -- Ted Nelson
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Kulawiec APL is a write-only language. -- Roy Keir
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim. Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. -- Tom Lehrer Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein Brain fried -- core dumped.
Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
Disc space -- the final frontier!
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
E Pluribus UNIX.
Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
fortune: No such file or directory
Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer. God is real, unless declared integer.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
I am a computer -- dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. I am the computer your mother warned you about.
I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
I smell a wumpus.
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports. If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. -- Brian Reid In God we trust; all else we walk through.
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Last one out, turn off the computer!
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday. LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R. S. Barton Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater. Never trust a computer you can't lift. -- Stan Masor
Nice computers don't go down.
No line available at 300 baud.
No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system. No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
Old mail has arrived.
Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
On a clear disk you can seek forever. -- Denning
One if by LAN, two if by C. -- Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski One man's constant is another man's variable. -- Perlis
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. -- Jon Bentley Portable: Survives system reboot.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an unnatural act.
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer. Protect your software at all costs -- all else is meat.
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
Real programs don't eat cache.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round.
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. -- Chuck Bradshaw Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress. Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. -- Ken Batcher Swap read error. You lose your mind.
System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. -- R. S. Barton That does not compute.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.
The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt. The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong. The steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There must be more to life than compile-and-go.
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88.
This screen intentionally left blank.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. -- Robert Heller
Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Variables won't; constants aren't. -- Osborn
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?". Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't make a program without broken egos.
You depend too much on computers for information.
You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you will need that version. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. You have junk mail.
You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password. You might have mail.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
Your fault -- core dumped.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
Date: Tue, 29 Mar 1994 14:01:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
Subject: Extracts from the press
I discovered a new paper recently called "Europa Times" which claims to be Europe's largest ciculation English Language newspaper. The main stories are not too good but the paper does contain dozens of newsnips called "Sidelines":
Dorset, England - villagers in a quiet Dorset hamlet are fighting an attempt by their local Council to change the name of where they live. The Council wish to take this measure because souvenir hunters have been stealing all of the signposts. Residents are happy with the name and do not want 'Shitterton' to be re-named 'Sitterton'. "We want them to shit on this 'deshishion' for a while", said a council member.
Ohio, USA - gynaecologist Dr Dudley Chapman has declared that women can live longer by having lots of orgasms. Apparently, orgasms increase cells in the immune system that destroy foreign bodies. Other doctors who swear by this too are prescribing orgasms for illnesses such as backache, period-pains amd arthritis. Political commentators doubt whether the orgasms will be available on the national health service.
Milton Keynes, England - a prisoner at Woodhill prison in Milton Keynes faces disciplinary action after taking an officer hostage and presenting the prison's authorities with a list of demands. He insisted that the following list of demands be met or the officer would suffer: an inflatable doll, a helicopter and a cup of tea.
York, England - a man who threatened to "waste" police officers with a shotgun during a one-hour siege was found to be armed only with a toothbrush. 37-year old Ian Aitken claimed that police "overreacted" to a domestic disturbance when they surrounded his house. "I was cleaning my teeth at the time" said Aitken, "the only thing I was armed with was a toothbrush". Police eventually stormed the house, after being held at bay by what a York prosecuting counsel described as "bloodcurdling threats".
Derby, England - unemployed Howard Tyler has been reprimanded for brandishing an electric hairdryer while impersonating a policeman. Mr Tyler was "angy with motorists driving at eighty past his house", said Ilkeston police, and was using the dryer as an imitation radar-gun to record vehicle speed. "You don't think of a hairdryer as a dangerous weapon, but the way he used it, it could have caused serious injury", said police. "If a man isnn't free to use his own domestic appliances in the open air", replied Tyler, "then I call it fascism".
Date: Sat, 19 Mar 1994 09:03:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
Subject: HAZARDOUS MATERIALS II - CLEAN
ATOMIC MASS: Most think they are 150lbs but actually vary from 98 to 650 lbs.
FOUND: In large quantities around alcohol outlets.
1. Made of much denser material than WO2, especially between the ears.
2. Black lump in centre-left of chest is the hardest material
1. Turns a bright shade of crimson when asked to describe
2. Froths violently when placed in view of sports events.
1. Useful for unskilled labour, such as changing light bulbs,
2. Used as bed warmer by WO2.
1. Becomes completely inert when faced with domestic chores.
2. Dissolves into tears (H2O) when their teams loses.
3. When placed near WO2 in a bikini, middle portion of EGO is
sucked in and upper portion thrust out.
2. Doesn't know it.
Date: Sat, 19 Mar 1994 15:03:49 CST
From: David Christian
Subject: Farmer joke, offensive to those who like good humor
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Damn, I lost my tractor!
Date: Fri, 25 Mar 1994 12:47:36 EST
From: JOHN STONE
COMMITTEE : The unwilling selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Date: Fri, 25 Mar 1994 14:04:22 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE
>From THE BOOK OF LAWS by Harold Faber
New York: Times Books, 1979
DILWETHER'S LAW OF DELAY
When people have a job to do, particularly a vital but difficult one, they will invariably put it off until the last possible moment, and most of them will put it off even longer. --Gordon Becker
ISSAWI'S FIRST LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS
Comitas comitatum, omnia comitas.
ISSAWI'S SECOND LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS
The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you
are to be pressured to do so. --CHARLES ISSAWI
A THIRD LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS
The amount of useful accomplishment, U, achieved by people working on a committee is approximated by U=n/2n-1. Thus, if one or two people produce a unit of useful work, three will produce three- quarters of a unit, four one-half of a unit and so forth.
--HARMON H. GOLDSTONE
(REDACTOR'S NOTE: The "and so forth" in the above is misleading as the function only asmptotically approaches 1/2 as n increases to infinity. The function actually predicts that a committee of 100 will produce approximately 50.25% of the useful accomplishment of a committee of one.)
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 1994 16:23:00 PST
From: "Wayland Wasserman (temp)"
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders along a well traveled stretch of highway. The location, at a bend in the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by. He had used this location successfully a number of times, especially on holidays, and decided to use it again one Labor Day weekend.
The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling down to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or so the officer hadn't seen anybody speeding. In fact most of the cars that passed him were travelling exactly at the speed limit, and some of the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him. He couldn't believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well concealed.
Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went investigate. He got out of his car and walked up the road a short distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". A little more investigative work led the officer to the boys accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet full of change.
Subject: Life 3.S A collection of clean humor gathered on: 21 Nov 88
"Give me a place to sit, and I'll watch."
-- friend of Archimedes
"Great leaders are rare, so I'm following myself."
Guy walks into a restaurant. Orders eggs. The waitress asks "How would you like those eggs cooked?" The guy says "Hey, that would be great."
"No job too big; no fee too big!" --Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
Difference between US & UK...
UK - 100 miles is a long distance.
US - 100 years is a long time.
Date: Thu, 31 Mar 1994 16:10:56 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Humor about loaning money from early almanacs
An usurer was earnestly intreating a preacher strongly to censure usury. The preacher, thinking the usurer was willing to be converted: "Ah! sir," said he, "I perceive in you the happy effects of the grace of God."
"You do not understand me," said the usurer. "There are so many usurers in the town, that I can get nothing; if by your preachings you could make them leave off the trade, I should have alone all the customers." (Father Abraham's Almanack for 1779)
Date: Thu, 31 Mar 1994 19:39:49 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Humor: The elephant and the naked man
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How the hell can you breathe with that little thing.
Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 17:29:04 -0500
From: Matt Loach
Subject: A mathematician, a chemist, and an engineer....
A mathematician, a chemist, and an engineer were attending a Science & Technology Convention. One night, a fire broke out in their hotel. The engineer immediately grabbed a fire extinguisher, cleared a path through the flames, and safely escaped from the burning building.
The chemist picked up an extinguisher, read the contents label, and proceeded to figure out the exact amount of chemical that was needed to put out the blaze.
The Mathematician sat up in his bed, saw the fire, saw an extinguisher; he thought for a moment, and stated, "A solution is possible!"; he then laid down, and went back to sleep.
Date: Sat, 2 Apr 1994 00:00:04 -0500
From: Paul Robinson
Subject: Care of Floppy disks
PROPER CARE OF FLOPPIES
1 Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2 Disketts should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shaving can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the disk to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3 Do not fold diskette unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4 Diskette cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If you need to back up your data, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
5 Never insert a diskette into a drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
6 Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smearing or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
7 If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
8 Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the dishette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
9 Diskette may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskette dry before using.
10 Never use scissors or glue to manual edit documents. The data stored is much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11 Periodically spray diskette with insecticide to prevent viruses from spreading.
Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 07:06:36 -0400
From: TK Baltimore
Subject: The Bible: offensive to Christians
Date : 3rd May 0023
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority.
However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
1. That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.
2. That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating the credibility of the average religious zealot.
3. That all references to the incident involving the members of members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be exised forthwith.
4. That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large cast.
5. That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love, squiggles.'
6. That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should on no account be discussed.
7. And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be removed or at least modified.
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book. In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'.
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 09:51:03 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Humor--unethical doctor
Patient to doctor: "Kiss me, kiss me!"
"I can't", replies the doctor, "It's unethical".
"Please..." he begs the doctor.
"It's impossible. I've taken the Hippocratic Oath" she says.
"But please...kiss me, even so" he pleads, sweat pouring down his face. "No, no," the doctor crys, "I shouldn't even be making love to you!"
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 15:11:29 -0500
From: Matt Loach
Did you hear about the wonderful practical joke that was played on the Scottish?
Apparantly, someone gave the kilt-wearing fools a few sets of bagpipes, and told them that they were musical instruments.
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 15:36:37 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Humor: The death of the farmer's cow and wife
A farmer having settled in a country village on a little farm, gained the esteem of the whole neighbourhood. The first year was hardly expired when he lost a very fine cow, which was by much the best of all his cattle, and he was extremely mortified at it; but this was nothing to the grief he felt in a short time afterwards, when death also took away his wife. His neighbours thought they were obliged to comfort him; "Honest farmer," said one of them, "do not alarm
yourself; the wife you lost was a good one, it is true, but there is as good to be had. I have three daughters for my part; take your choice of them." Another offered him a sister, another a niece.--"Lord have mercy upon us," replied the farmer, "it is better to loose one's wife than one's cow: My wife is hardly three hours dead, and here are half a dozen people already offering to supply her place for me; but when my cow died, the devil a one spake of giving me another." (Beers' Almanac for 1800)
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 08:57:15 -0400
From: Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest
Subject: Joke for Easter Season
In the mid 1950s Krushchev came to power in the Soviet Union and gave his famous speech denouncing Stalin and the Stalinist reign of
terror. As a follow-up to this speech, Krushchev wanted to exhume Stalin and to bury him outside of the Soviet Union. He approached Eisenhower who was President of the United States. Eisenhower
expressed sympathy with the idea but pointed out that if it ever became known (as was very likely with the aggressive media in the US) that he had sanctioned the burial of Stalin in the United States or US territory, it would be a political disaster for him and for the Republican party.
So Krushchev went to Anthony Eden, the prime minister of Great Britain. He got essentially the same answer.
In desperation Krushchev talked to David Ben Gurion, the head of Israel. The Soviet Union at this time had no diplomatic relations with Israel. Still Ben Gurion was more encouraging. Israel had a lot of desert. The Army and the intelligence community could be counted on to keep a secret. Yes it could be done, but Ben Gurion noted "Mr. Premier, there is one thing I must warn you about."
Krushchev asked "what?"
To which Ben Gurion replied "My country has the world's highest resurrection rate."
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 12:27:36 -0500
From: Ryan Hinch
A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good. So, she decided she was tired of him and got a divorce. A couple days after the divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: "WANTED. Husband that won't beat me or kick me. Good sex a must."
A week or so passed and she fianlly gets a knock at the door. She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband.
"Well, you don't have any arms." she notices.
"I can't beat you then, can I?" he replies.
"And you don't have any legs!"
"SO! That only means I can't kick you."
She pauses for a moment and then asks, "Well what about the sex?" He answers confidently, "I knocked on the door didn't I?"
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 14:59:00 MST
From: D O
Subject: guess what it is
What does Arnold Schwasgennegter (sic) have really long, Madonna doesn't have, and the Pope has, but he doesn't use it?
Date: Thu, 7 Apr 1994 13:56:11 -0400
From: gwen eckman
Subject: dear abby
I have two brothers, one works at IBM, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells narcotics.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at IBM.
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 94 19:30:05 EDT
From: A Punny Guy
Subject: Problem Solving Flowchart
B E G I N H E R E
YES +---------------+ NO
/--------| Does It Work? |--------\
| +---------------+ |
\ / \ /
| Don't Mess | YES | Did You | NO
/---| With It | /----------| Mess |------\
| +-------------+ | | With It? | |
| | +----------+ |
| \ / |
| /------------\ |
| | You IDIOT! | \ /
| \------------/ +-------------+ | +--------+ | YES | Will You | | NO | Does |<---------/ /------------| Pay For It? | | ----| Anyone | | +-------------+ | | | Know ? |--------------\ | | NO | | +--------+ YES | | \ /
| | \ / \ / +-----------+ | | /---------------\ YES | Will You | | | /----->| You Poor Fool |<------| Be Fired? | | | /---------\ | \---------------/ +-----------+ | -->| Hide It | | | | NO | \---------/ | \ / |
| | | NO +---------------+ \ /
| | \------| Can You Blame | /----------\ | | | Someone Else? | | Trash It | | | +---------------+ \----------/ | \-------------\ | YES |
| | | |
| \ / \ / |
| +-----------------------+ |
\---------------------->| N O P R O B L E M !! |<--------/
Date: Sat, 9 Apr 1994 10:33:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
After an Easter break I am in my office catching up on the mail - both snail and e - and listening to the BBC World Service in a futile attempt to drown out the sound of pile driving nearby (thriving Hong Kong). Anyway I thought that I'd pass on two reports that the BBC provided in their week's summary of the press.
In a pub (bar) in England the owner has fitted a see-though cistern on one of the toilets so that customers can watch the goldfish that he has put inside the cistern! An attempt to get the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals to take action has failed. THe owner commented that he didn't think that it did any harm to the fish as their water was being changed very regularly.
In a Japanese research laboratory where hamsters are used for experiments the staff all gather together once a week whilst holy men sing mantras for the souls of those hamsters who have died that week.
OFFENSIVE TO BLONDES
A group of blondes decided to go to London to do some shopping and so they climbed into a car and set off down the road in the direction of London. However, after a while they came to a road sign saying
and so they stopped, shrugged their shoulders, turned round and went home.
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 1994 12:19:12 -0500
From: Ryan Hinch
Carl was becoming more worried with the problem of rising crime, so he felt he needed to protect him and his wife from burglary. He decided he was going to buy a watch dog, and he set off for the pet store. When he gets to the store, he looks around but can't find a dog that is big enough or loud enough to scare away a flea, much less an intruder. So, he starts to leave when he hears, "Aawk! Come here! Aawk! Come here!" He turns around and a parrot is motioning to him with its wing. Carl isn't sure if he is seeing things so he rubs his eyes. The parrot is still waiving to him so he goes over.
The parrot says to Carl, "Aawk, can't find a dog?"
"Well, no" replies Carl. "Not the kind I want. I need a watch dog." "Aawk! Then buy me. I'm better than a dog. Aawk."
"How's that?" asks Carl.
"Aawk! Well, I'm smarter than a dog. If someone breaks in, I can tell you exactly what they look like and what they took. Aawk!"
Carl thinks for a minute and then finally agrees. "Aawk! Just one thing. I don't have any legs."
"How are you sitting on that perch then?"
"Aawk! I just wrap my penis around it. Mine's pretty long. Aawk!" Carl doesn't see any problems so he buys the bird, a cage and takes it home.
The next day after work when Carl gets home, he asks the bird if anything happened. "Aawk! Your wife came home for lunch today."
"So. That's no big deal. She usually does that."
"Aawk! and Bob, your next door neighbor came over."
"That's no big deal either. We are all like family in this neighborhood." "Aawk! They went into the living room and sat on the sofa."
"Yeah. So what's the big deal?"
"Aawk! They started kissing."
"They did?! What happened next. Tell me!"
"Aawk! He took her shirt off and began rubbing on her breasts." "What!? Tell me more!"
"Aawk! He then unzipped her pants and took them off."
"Oh, I'm pissed now!! Tell me more! What happened next?"
"Aawk! I don't know! I don't know!"
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Aawk! My dick got hard and I fell off the perch! Aawk!"
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 1994 12:27:03 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Almanac humor: Living long enough
A courtier being very sick and much indebted, told his confessor that the only favor he had to ask of God was to prolong his life till he could pay all his debts. "That is a good motive," replied the
confessor, "and it is to be hoped that God will hear your prayer." "If God would do me that favor," said the sick man, in turning himself towards one of his friends, "I should be very certain never to die." (Father Abraham's Almanack for 1779)
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 1994 13:47:22 EDT
From: Whitmark Christop CDT
Subject: Rejected posting to HUMOR@UGA
There was four Army Rangers paddeling a small raft down a stream. They were on a very important mission. Well, God decided to do a lil' experiment on these dedicated individuals. He took out half of their brains. Well, this slowed them down a bit, but they still drove on wanting to complete the mission. So, God took another half, leaving them with a quarter of a brain each. This really slowed them down, but did not stop them. So, God, still not content, removed the rest of the brain. All four Rangers stood up and started singing, "From the Halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Galilee..." (The Song of the Marines).
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 1994 06:37:45 -0700
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 2.M
3 -- Oral Roberts tells his followers that unless they send him $4.5 million by the end of the month, God will turn him into a hypocritical money-grubbing slimebag.
5 -- In response to growing pressure from the United States, the government of Colombia vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if necessary, remove them from the cabinet.
21 -- The Audi Corporation is forced to recall 250,000 cars after repeated incidents wherein parked Audis, apparently acting on their own, used their mobile phones to purchase stocks on margin.
28 -- In the Middle East, Syria has its name legally changed to "Jordan." A welcome calm settles over Beirut as the six remaining civilians are taken hostage.
3 -- In the ongoing war against the federal budget deficit, Congress gives itself a pay raise.
17 -- In Colombia, police arrest Carlos Lehder for jaywalking and discover, during a routine search, that his pockets contain 1,265,000 pounds of cocaine. Lehder claims to have "no idea" how it got there.
19 -- Mario Cuomo announces that he doesn't want to be president and immediately becomes the Democratic front-runner.
23 -- Panic grips the nation as a terrorist group seizes 150,000 new, improved W-4 forms and threatens to send them to randomly selected Americans through the mail.
21 -The IRS releases an even newer, simpler W-4 form in response to complaints from a number of taxpayers, all of whom will be audited for the rest of their lives.
27 -- In what is hailed as a major arms-race breakthrough, U.S. and Soviet arms negotiators in Geneva agree to wear matching outfits.
3 -- In the Persian Gulf, Iranians attack the Islip garbage barge, but are driven off by courageous flies.
13 -- True Anecdote: In National League baseball action, the Atlanta Braves' Dion James hits a ball that would have been caught easily, except that in midair it strikes and kills a dove.
14 -- In Colorado, Gary Hart declares his candidacy for the presidential nomination, making the official announcement while standing in front of a dramatic backdrop of soaring mountains, towering pine trees, and four Miami Herald reporters disguised as rhododendrons.
22 -- Crack U.S. counter-intelligence agents in Moscow begin to suspect that the new U.S. Embassy in Moscow, constructed by Soviet labor, might be bugged, when one of them sneezes in the ambassador's office and six chairs say, "Gesundheit."
26 -- Jack Kemp announces that he is running for president, pledging that, if elected, he will deepen his voice.
30 -- Following a lengthy and dramatic trial, a confused New Jersey jury awards custody of a 3-month-old boy to a 6-week-old girl.
3 -- Like a raging unquenchable forest fire, the Gary Hart story sweeps across the nation, as voters are consumed by a burning need to know more about the candidate's monetary views. Rumors abound that Hart, at various times in his career, may also have had views on a number of other issues.
4 -- The Hart story becomes so hot that issue-oriented Phil Donahue devotes a show to it, canceling the regular weekly appearance of the sex-change lesbian surrogate-mother nude-dancer ex-priests.
5 -- The Iran-Contra hearings begin with Sen. Daniel Inouye doing his hilarious two-hour impersonation of a 78 r.p.m. record being played at 33 r.p.m.
6 -- An angry Gary Hart is forced to withdraw from the race after word leaks out that The Washington Post has obtained documented evidence that he once proposed tying the prime rate to the Index of Leading Economic Indicators.
12 -- U.S. drug agents become concerned when aerial photographs reveal that several dozen Bahamian "islands" are in fact enormous piles of some kind of white powdery substance.
17 -- The U.S. Navy frigate Stark is attacked by an Iraqi jet, which, under our extremely clear Mideast policy, causes us to prepare for violent confrontation with Iran.
29 -- Nineteen-year-old German Mathias Rust, flying a single-engined Cessna airplane, manages to cross 400 miles of Soviet airspace to reach Red Square in Moscow, where he narrowly avoids colliding with a Delta Air Lines flight en route from Pittsburgh to Cleveland.
30 -- Caspar Weinberger orders 5,000 single-engine Cessna airplanes.
2 -- True Item: In the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings, the committee learns that a country named "Brunei" contributed $10 million to help the Contras, except Fawn Hall or somebody typed a wrong number, so the money ended up in the Swiss bank account of a total stranger. This helps explain why, despite all the elaborate assistance efforts with secret codes and passwords and everything, the only actual aid ever received by the Contras was a six-month trial subscription to Guns and Ammo.
18 -- A survey of Florida residents reveals that their number one concern about the state is that "not enough people are walking around with guns." Alarmed, the state Legislature passes a law under which all citizens who are not actually on Death Row will be REQUIRED to carry revolvers.
7 -- The central figure in the Iran-Contra hearings, Lt. Col. Oliver North, becomes an instant national folk hero when, with his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, he courageously admits, before a worldwide television audience, that he is very patriotic.
11 -- The Iran-Contra hearings reach their dramatic peak when Lt. Col. North, his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, makes a sweeping patriotic hand gesture and knocks over his bottle of Revlon Eye Glistener.
15 -- The giant Citicorp bank announces that it has agreed to forgive Mexico's $56.3 billion debt in exchange for 357.9 gazillion chickens.
3 -- Political activist Donna Rice, in her continuing effort to avoid publicity, sells her story to ABC television.
6 -- As "Ollie-mania" continues to sweep the country, one of the most popular video-arcade games in the country is a new one called -- this is true -- "Contra." The way it works is, there are are two soldiers on the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them.
10 -- The U.S. space probe Meanderer II, after a journey of six years and many millions of miles, passes within 400 miles of the surface of Neptune, sending back dramatic color photographs of a Delta Air Lines jet.
22 -- Rumors circulate that Gary Hart will re-enter the presidential race. Johnny Carson places his writers on Full Red Alert.
25 -- In what is hailed as a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court decides, by a 7-2 vote, that you cannot count three oranges as one item in the Express Checkout Lane "unless they are all in the same package."
27 -- Georgia Sen. Sam Nunn announces that he doesn't want to be president. Cuomo challenges him to a debate.
28 -- In the Persian Gulf, tensions mount as a U.S. gunboat engages in a scuffle with actor Sean Penn.
2 -- In Washington, reporters notice that at some point -- possibly during a speech by Sen. Inouye, when everybody was asleep -- the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings turned into the ongoing confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork.
8 -- Researcher Shere Hite releases her scientific new book, "Men Are Scum."
12 -- In the ongoing hearings, Sen. Joseph Biden pledges to consider the Bork nomination "with total objectivity," adding: "You have that on my honor not only as a Senator, but also as the Prince of Wales."
17 -- The market-savvy McDonald's corporation, capitalizing on the popularity of the movie "Fatal Attraction," introduces a new menu item, Boiled McRabbits.
21 -- Professional football players go on strike, demanding the right to "have normal necks." Negotiations begin under the guidance of mediator Mario Cuomo.
28 -- Tensions ease in the Persian Gulf as a Delta Air Lines flight, en route from Boston to Newark, successfully lands on the U.S. carrier Avocado.
3 -- Sen. Joseph Biden is forced to withdraw from the Democratic presidential race when it is learned that he is in fact an elderly Norwegian woman. On the Republican side, the spectacularly Rev. Pat Robertson announces his candidacy for president, buoyed by strong popularity among humor columnists.
8 -- Three hundred prominent law professors sign a petition stating that Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has "a weenie beard."
15 -- In an effort to establish that she is not a bimbo, Jessica Hahn appears nude in Playboy magazine. We are pretty sure we must have made this item up.
25 -- The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that the federal speed limit should be raised on highways going through boring or ugly areas, so drivers can get through them quicker. "In Indiana, for instance," the committee says, "it should be 135 miles per hour."
1 -- In the ongoing heroic effort to trim the federal budget deficit, House and Senate conferees agree not to order appetizers.
15 -- In their continuing heroic deficit-reduction efforts, House and Senate conferees agree to continue working right through their 2:30 racquetball appointment.
22 -- In ceremonies marking his retirement as secretary of defense, Caspar Weinberger is presented with a pen-and-pencil set, built by the General Dynamics Corp. for $352.4 million.
29 -- The world financial community's faith in the U.S. economy is restored as heroic House and Senate conferees hammer out a breakthrough compromise deficit-reduction measure under which $417.65 will be slashed from the $13.2 million pastry budget of the Federal Bureau of Putting Up Road Signs With Kilometers On Them.
2 -- In a widely hailed legal decision, the judge in the bitter divorce dispute between Joan Collins and Peter Holm orders them both shot. Mikhail Gorbachev appears on "Jeopardy."
5 -- In a cost-cutting move, financially troubled Eastern Airlines announces that its domestic flights will operate without engines. "Most of them never take off anyway," explains a spokesman.
8 -- In Washington, the long-awaited U.S.-Soviet summit meeting gets off to an uncertain start as President Reagan attempts to nominate Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev to the Supreme Court.
9 -- The summit concludes on a triumphant note as, in the culmination of 10 years of negotiations between the superpowers, Gorbachev and New York Gov. Mario Cuomo sign a historic agreement under which both sides will move all of their mid- and short-range long-term strategic tactical nuclear weapons 150 feet to the left.
15 -- Under intense pressure from the U.S. to reduce the trade deficit, Japanese auto manufacturers agree to give their cars really ugly names.
18 -- Playboy magazine offers Tammy Faye Bakker a record $1.5 million if she will promise never, ever to pose nude.
27 -- Oscar C. Klaxton, an employee of the U.S. Department for Making Everybody Nervous, wins a $10,000 prize for dreaming up the concept of a deadly "hole" in an invisible "ozone layer."
Copyright 1987 Knight-Ridder Newspapers
This does not equal Larry's anecdote but it does give you a true example of the effective deployment of electronic countermeasures by civilians against obnoxious FM radio reception.
I have a friend, whom I will call Joe, who a few years ago was a quiet electronics technician of the old school. Although too
young to properly qualify as an old fart, he liked to build things with vacuum tubes. Joe is also a cellist, and a member of a large local family. He likes to practice his cello, or play the organ, for relaxation.
Anyway, at the time of this anecdote, Joe had moved into an
apartment in Oakland, California. He did not play the cello or
organ there, out of respect for his neighbors (nowadays he owns a house, and besides, his neighbors like the music). However, in the apartment building were some Very Noisy People. They would
play FM stations at all hours, loud. They acknowledged but did
not act on requests to moderate the volume. Now hereabouts this sort of behavior is illegal -- the police call it a 647 violation, Disturbing The Peace, so Joe could easily have complained to the police. But his style was much quieter, and subtler, than that.
He built an FM jammer, which came in later years to be passed around a lot and dubbed "the family FM jammer." (This was very much in character -- Joe was always building clever gadgets to fill a need. The family is very handy with things like that, making do -- Joe's parents grew up, of course, in the Depression.) It was a beautiful piece of work: built on a block of wood, with open-air coils,
a large glowing VHF tube, and porcelain insulators. It would
have been completely at home in a 1930's sci-fi movie with Bela Lugosi in a starched white smock that buttoned up on one side.
The jammer used, simply enough, the 60-Hertz power line to
frequency-modulate the carrier. With characteristic attention to detail, Joe had made sure that the modulation was just enough
to cover the desired channel without spilling over to adjacent
ones. Yes, it was assembled and aligned with all the loving care of a commercial transmitter expecting outside inspection.
The procedure was simple but delightful. When the Noisy Neighbors decided to play loud FM, and this got to bothering Joe, he would warm up the jammer. Because the jammer needed precise tuning, and also because the problem had now become a sport, Joe worked the tuning dial with the fingers of a safecracker, and all the
patience in the world -- I like to think, though I don't really know, that he had a cigar and a glass of port, perhaps Graham's Malvedos 1955.
Presently a horrific buzz would replace the (inevitably pounding) dance beat audible through the wall, provoking vaguely audible
expletives of discontent. Someone would change the station, and the music would return. It didn't bother Joe; he was patient, and he was sure of his quarry. Eventually he would find the new station and they would change it again. Sooner or later there were
expletives of resignation and the receiver was turned off. To his fortune, they rarely played anything but FM (AM, of course, would have been even more manageable, but records would have required a radically different approach).
All of this had the effect of translating a nuisance into good
clean sport, at least for a patient cellist like Joe.
Naturally, as a law-abiding citizen, not to mention a commercial licensiate of the FCC and bound by the statutes of the Communications Act of 1934 as amended, I would have been horrified and obliged to report this behavior had I not learned of it well after the fact.
I once had the opportunity to engage in a little ECM against TV and will relate it here.
Many years (at least 2*statuteČofČlimitations) I was living
in the barracks at a Navy Air base in California. The folks in the "cube" next door had a habit of watching TV late at night with
the TV turned up loud. As a lowly E3, I was unable to get them to turn it down, so decided to fix it with ECM.
A one transistor blocking oscillator was constructed, which
had the following characteristics:
3 Pulses per Second
Each pulse about 5 Watts of power for about 10 msec
Each pulse swept from about 10 to 21 Mhz, with a very
rich harmonic spectrum, thus blanketing the VHF TV
specturm, and the TV IF.
This device was placed a few feet from the offending television set, and resulted in a total disruption of vertical sync. However, much to my annoyance, the cretins next door assumed that the TV was just a little sick, and kept on watching it!
Feeling frustated, and needing to catch some Z's,
I then modified the oscillator to make it continuous
duty and about 500 mW of power. Sneaking outside, I placed it under the window where the TV set lived, and then adjusted the frequency until the TV went dark and the sound vanished. Then I snuck back into bed.
The noise, of course, was gone. The neighbors, however,
suspected something, but when they found me in bed, they figured that it couldn't possibly be me causing the problem (again, not too bright, these folks). So... they trashed the TV. End of problem. However, not end of story...
The barracks was located under the HF antennas of the base
communications station. Next morning, the barracks was surrounded by armed guards, and everybody was made to leave (and searched by
an unfriendly looking ONI (office of Naval Intelligence (sic))
agent. Remembering the antennas, some unpleasant fantasies regarding COMSEC, Court Martials, Interfering with military radio charges, etc, occurred to me.
Fortunately, (those being Vietnam Days) it was a dope
bust, and my oscillator wasn't found.
On the subject of revenge on noisy neighbors:
I have one friend, whose two great passions (besides his wife) are music and medicine. He was a professional rocker for a few years, and is now a registered nurse, and is quite knowledgable about both subjects.
One semester, in college, he had the misfortune to be next door to the party room for the dorm. After a month or two of trying to get them to quiet down via conventional means, he decided on a drastic plan of action.
He, of course, had a top-notch music system, with excellent speakers. He also knew that there are certain tones that affect the human nervous system in nasty, awful ways.
One morning, while his neighbors were sleeping off a particularly noisy party, he hooked up the speakers to a good tone generator, pointed them at the wall, and left for class. He came back an few hours later to find the partiers being violently ill. Nothing permanent, just *very* unpleasant.
This happened one or two more times, and the noise problem slowly went away. Can you say Pavlovian conditioning, boys and girls?
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 1994 10:03:10 -0600
From: Lawrence Fatteicher
Subject: Jokingly ....
Mike and Metro are going on a fly in hunting trip. They are talking to a pilot who will be flying them in. The pilot tells them he can do the job but he can only fly back one moose back.
So they do the fly in thing. The pilot drops them off and says he'll be back in a week. And that they can only bring back one moose. A week goes by and the pilot flies back to pick up Mike and Metro. He is flying over the pickup spot and his looking down for at guys. They are waving at him but he notices that besides the gear and two guys are two moose instead of one.
The pilot is furious. He lands the plane and is giving the two hunters a blast. The pilot says, "I told you I could only bring back one moose, why did you shot a second??". Metro then looks at the pilot and says "Well, I don't know what kind of pilot you are. Last year we shoot two moose. That pilot took all our stuff and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours.
The pilot thinks for and minute and not to be out done decides to take the two moose as well. Soooo, they load up the equipment, two moose, two hunters and are set to take off. The pilot guns the engine of the plane and starts take off. The plane is shaking and quaking as the pilot tries desperately to get the plane off the ground. Slowly but surely the plane starts to lift off the ground. The trees at the end of the clearing and getting larger and larger. The pilot frantically pushes the plane engine to the max. The tops of the the trees are very close now. When is appears that they might get above the trees they happen to hit the top of a taller tree and come crashing down into the foliage.
Metro is the first to come too after the crash. He calls "Mike?? MIKE!! are you okay??" Mike slowly sits up, shakes his head and says " Yah, I think so." Metro then looks around and says "You know I think we got a hundred yards further than last year."
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 1994 13:21:37 EST
From: Kevin Cain
Subject: Un-Authorized reprint of a news article (duh!) - clean
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND (From AP or UPI wires ?, but it doesn't say)
A couple in a Cessna 150 who decided to join the Mile High Club forced air traffic controllers and aircraft near Edinburgh Airport to communicate on an emergency radio channel. Somehow the plane's microphone jammed open, broadcasting the couple's initiation into the club. This kept the regular ground-to-air frequency busy for some 50 minutes. Upon landing, the pilot was reprimanded for
blocking communications, but the traffic control manager conceded, "Apart from one aspect of his airmanship - the failure to check in on a regular basis - the was no breach of aviation rules.
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 1994 21:07:52 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Humor: Advice about migranes
A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migrane headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migranes and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc. "I have migranes, too...and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migrane, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand...especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex...and almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migranes for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 02:00:34 -0400
From: TK Baltimore
Subject: Humor: Health Care (risque)
A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office. "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" the man asked. The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When they had finished he said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $40. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "What exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to mine. Holiday Inn charges $87. We do it here for $40 and I get $38 back from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 14:00:55 U
From: "Sander, Neville"
Subject: Take it Away!
For all of you that like chinese puzzles:
Q. Which is the odd number out from 18 23 47 54 and 58?
A. 54 of course, all the others come with rice.
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 14:53:00 CST
From: DANRICH SCOT
Subject: Car Names Explained.
GM- General Maintenance
FORD- Fix Or Repair Daily
FIAT- Fix It Again, Tony!
TOYOTA- Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
BMW Babbling Mechanical Wench
BMW Beastly Monsterous Wonder
BMW Beautiful Masterpeices on Wheels
BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
BMW Big Money Waste
BMW Big Money Works
BMW Blastphemous Motorized Wreck
BMW Born Moderately Wealthy.
BMW Break My Windows
BMW Broken Money Waster
BMW Broken Monsterous Wonder
BMW Brutal Money Waster
BMW Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
BMW Boring Monotonous Wanker
Buick Big Ugly Import Car Killer
Buick Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
Buick Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
Chevrolet Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended
Chevy Charged Heavily
Chevy Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
Dodge Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dodge Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
Fiat F**king Italian Attempt (at) Transportation.
Fiat Failure in Automotive Technology
Fiat Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Fiat Fix It Again Tony?
Ford F**ked over rebuilt Dodge
Ford F**ker Only Runs Downhill
Ford F*cked on Race Day
Ford First On Recall Day
Ford First on race day
Ford Fix Or Repair Daily
Ford Found on road dead
Ford Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's
GMC Garage Man's Companion
GMC Generally Mediocre Cars
GMC Get More Chicks
GMC Got More Crap
Mopar Most Often Passed At Races
Mopar Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mopar Mostly Old Paint And Rust
Plymouth Please Let Your Mother Out
Plymouth P***y Lips In Your MOUTH
SAAB Stupid, Arrogant A***ole Babies
SAAB Such an arrogant bastard!
SAAB Swedish Automobile - Always Broken
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 15:33:14 BST
From: Adam BJ Quantrill
Subject: 4 Condom jokes
This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it."
"What do you want?"
"Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..."
"What do you want?"
"I need some protection, alright??!?!"
"Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." "That'll be $2.35 including tax."
"Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100".
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?"
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said, "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted.
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 19:40:39 -0400
From: Paul Robinson
Subject: From our 'You can't do that!' department...
A Florida Sheriff was told to shut down the lab he was operating to make Crack Cocaine. The Sheriff stated that the county hadn't siezed any and thus he was unable to perform sting operations. This explanation, it said, did not justify the Sheriff in operating a crack cocaine lab to manufacture the material needed to make the product used in sting arrests.
A man's attorney was trying to represent his client who was charged with knowingly mailing obscene material. He asked the prosecutor for the Justice Department to let him see the material in question. The prosecutor had a copy of the material made, and mailed it to the attorney.
Paul Robinson - Paul@TDR.COM
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 22:39:17 EDT
From: email@example.com (David N Monack)
Subject: Don't post Jane Eyre spoilers!
All these spoilers are p___ing me off. For instance, I was reading a book called the Gospels (an inferior sequel to an old Hebrew series called the Torah). I'm up to the part when their crucifying the Jesus character, and some nut comes up to me and says, "Jesus died and rose again. Hallelujah!" totally ruining the ending for me.
I found the ending a little disappointing anyway. He comes back to life? How cheap. It's almost as bad as saying the whole thing was a dream. I was hoping that that God character would send a few plagues or turn Pontius Pilate into a pillar of salt or something. That's exciting. That's drama. The moral is: Don't read sequels. (By the way, I hear that this Mohammed guy has done a new version of the Bible series called the Quran. I haven't read it yet, so don't nobody tell me how it ends.)
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 23:03:50 EDT
From: Dan Hotopp
Subject: Trendy Pastor
A pastor wanted to be "trendy" and "appeal to the youth". So he decided to preach a sermon which took all of its illustrations from surf boarding. He spent a week preparing the message, and was pretty pleased with the results. However, his wife was considerably less enthusiastic. On Sunday morning she refused to accompany him to church and said, "Merle, if you're gonna preach about surf boarding, I'm not gonna sit in the congregation and be embarrassed."
The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his wife was right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of sex - what was and was not appropriate behavior for Christians. Not wanting to admit to his wife that she was right (No husband ever admits his wife was right if he can help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed sermon.
A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a member of the congregation. The member commented, "That was a magnificent sermon that Merle preached last week. I bet he must really be good at it!
Alternative punch lines include: "He only tried it twice, and both times he fell off." or "He's one of the worst I've ever seen, but he seems to enjoy it."
Date: Thu, 14 Apr 1994 12:57:16 BST
From: Adam BJ Quantrill
Subject: doctor joke
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
Doctor: Yes... You're fucking crackers.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Date: Thu, 14 Apr 1994 13:42:16 -0500
From: WHAT'S THAT BLUE THING DOING HERE?
Mr. Walker has had migraine headaches for the past couple of years off and on. Lately, however, the headaches have gotten
worse and worse.
Finally, he could just not take it anymore. He went to the doctor to see if there was something, anything he could do. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and came up with a solution. The doctor said, "Well, Mr. Walker, there is one known cure for the type of migrane that you have. I'm sorry, but the cure is for you to have your penis removed." Mr. Walker just could not believe it. Well, he flat out refused the treatment. "No way am I having my manhood taken away over silly headaches." And he went about his life. The migranes, however, only grew worse. Every day Mr. Walker toiled over whether or not he should have his penis removed to end his excrutiating pain. Finally, he could not take the pain any longer and decided to have it removed.
Seeing as it wasn't a hugely complicated surgical procedure, he got to leave the hospital on the same day that it was removed. Mr. Walker decided that this new predicament in his life was not going to slow him down one bit. So, that day he went out to do some nice things for himself, to feel like a new man (no pun intended). He ate lunch at a very expensive restaurant and even bought himself that new car he had been looking at. Then he went to a very expensive clothes shop to have a beautiful suit made for himself. As the tailor was measuring Mr. Walker for the suit, the tailor said that he had a 16 neck. "No," said Mr. Walker "my neck is size 14." But the tailor insisted, "I'm afraid that you are definitely a size 16 neck." "Look, I've been wearing a size 14 for the last 10 years, I'm telling you, my neck is a size 14."
Said the tailor, "Well, you couldn't have worn a size 14. If you'd been wearing a size 14 neck, you would have been experiencing tremendously painful migrane headaches."
Date: Fri, 15 Apr 1994 09:12:36 EST
From: Kathleen Williams
Subject: Gong Awards for 1992
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions in 1992.
British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together
Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tatooed on his forehead in large capitals letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the
court:"My client is not a very bright young man".
Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back" and left his phone number.
Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up post-coitus cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately eaten by a cat. The 90 minute delay in finding his remains and handing his identification tag to the judges relegated percy from first to third place.
To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathereed round her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carlson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock,and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 11:21:30 BST
From: Adam BJ Quantrill
Subject: 4 Medical: Deaf Wife, Commie, Doc bad in bed, Passing BB's
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live." The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?" The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives. The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardward store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food.
Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is ok. That evening the
eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what happened". She says "I know, you're passing BB's". "No",
he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 08:47:38 MEX
From: Antonio Oliveros
Subject: PRACTICAL FIRST AIDS FOR HOME ACCIDENTS. PART II OF II.
AND NOW THE SECOND PART OF THIS PRACTICAL FIRST AID GUIDE.
STRANGE OBJECTS IN EYE:
In this case, you have to examine the NATURE OF THE OBJECT, IF IT EXEEDS THE value of the eye, say, a diamond, ONE GOLD COIN, A BEEF STEAK OR 1 OZ OF uranium, the best thing to do is tO EXTRACT THE EYE AND LEAVE THE OBJECT inthe eye's place. That person wiLL BE BENEFITIATED WITH THE CHANGE, because in this days profits are eveRYTHING.
But if the person wants to keep his owN EYE FOR SENTIMENTAL REASONS, YOU must extract the object, carefully rinSE IT AND WHEN DRY, PLACE IT ON OTHER people's eye, this person MUST be less SENTIMENTAL AND MORE MATERIAL. Then you can aplly the first procedure.
Also known as swoon or faint. In the pAST VERY POPULAR IN BETWEEN LADIES. nowadays is very popular between males, ESPECIALY PARENTS, WHO HAVE TO PAY for tuitions, taxes, credit cards amonG OTHER CALAMITIES OF OUR DAYS. The best thing to do, or at least tHE MOS HUMANITARIAN THING TO DO, IS TO let this poor guy die, so he can at laST REST IN PEACE.
In the past, the best thing to do IN THIS CASE, USED TO BE TO SCARE THE patient, unfortunately nowadays peopLE HAVE LOST THE CAPABILITIE TO GET scared of anything, so the best thinG TO DO IS TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH THE victim of this desease, drinking sometING LIKE CHIVAS REGAL WHISKY OR MAYBE Bacardi Rum, you have to keep him tellING YOU A REALY LONG SPEECH, LIKE THE ONES IN THE CONGRESS.
( Some explanation needed: In MEXICO WE CALL BRIBES 'MORDIDAS', that translates in bite. )
If it is a dog bite, you'd better taKE THAT PERSON AND THE DOG TO A HEALTH institution, But if it is a cop bite oR A BUREAUCRAT BITE, THERE IS NOTHING to do, you have to pay or you may suffER LINES, PAPERWORK, LOST OF TIME AND DOCUMENTATION. SORRY, NO KNOWN REMEDY.
Even it happens in the home, most of THE TIMES IN THE BEDROOM, WE CAN'T consider this a home accident, so we rEFUSE TO TALK ABOUT IT. AND ONCE YOU have knowledge of this situation, you CAN'T DO ANYTHING, UNLESS YOU ARE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO BELIEVES IN PREMATURE UNCORKING.
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 10:49:38 PST
From: "John `Bullwinkle' Wenker"
Subject: 2nd Graders (mildly crude, but hilarious).
There was a class of second graders. For their assignment, the teacher decided that they would draw a class picture, where each pupil draws something on the picture, then hands it to the next pupil who will add to it. So the teacher starts off by giving the blank sheet of paper to little Mary, the star student, and she draws this:
The teacher says, "That's very nice, Mary. What is it?" [daa...]. Mary explains that it's a bar of soap. "Okay, now hand over the paper and crayons to Timmy and let him draw something." Mary complies, and gives the junk to Timmy, who thinks for awhile, then adds to the picture as follows:
/| ____ |\
| |soap| |
| `----' |
Again the teacher inquires, "What's that, Timmy?" Timmy says, "That's the house that the bar of soap is in." The teacher acknowledges, telling him how nice it is, and to pass it on to the next pupil.
The next pupil receives the supplies, scratches his head, then adds to the picture as follows:
/| `\./' |\
| ____ |
| |soap| |
| `----' |
The teacher is kind of confused by this, and asks the child to explain his work. "That's the snow that's on top of the house that the bar of soap is in." The teacher exclaims, "Oh! I see. That's very nice." Again the supplies are passed on to the next student, who proceeds to add to the picture
\ | /
- ( ) -
/ | \
/| `\./' |\
| ____ |
| |soap| |
| `----' |
When asked to explain the picture, the pupil remarked, "That's the sun that's
melting the snow that's on top of the house that the bar of soap is in." The
teacher exclaims, "That's very nice," and is very pleased with the way the class picture is progressing. Then it's... well... let's say it's John's turn
to add to the picture (since that's my name). John receives the picture and
crayons, then makes the following addition to the class picture: _________
/ \ | / \
| - ( ) - |
| / | \ |
| /^\ |
| /( )\ |
\ /| `\./' |\ /
\ | ____ | /
_____\ | |soap| | /_____
(________| `----' |________)
The teacher looks at the picture with a blank stare, not being able to figure
out the significance, so she asks John to explain. John responds, "That's my
dad when he drops the bar of soap in the shower!"
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 13:42:05 PDT
Subject: Life 4.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jan 89
>From the Booth News Service, December 22, 1988:
(Flint, Mich.) - Maybe it's just because he's an amateur. Or maybe he harbored a Freudian wish to be caught.
Whatever the reason, police had little trouble tracing a man who allegedly held up a service station in Flint Township over the weekend. The robber fled with $70, wearing a high school varsity jacket with his name on the back. The suspect, 24, was to have been arraigned Monday.
A man went rushing into a church for something he had forgotten, but he was stopped cold by a huge sign the janitor had placed in front of the floor that he had just washed. It read: PLEASE DON'T WALK ON THE WATER.
Two Jesuit candidates are talking to their superior about a problem they both have: impure thoughts. As a penance, the superior tells them that they must put peas in their shoes for a week.
A few days later one of the Jesuits is walking down the street or I should say, struggling. The dry hard peas in his shoes are killing him. He can barely walk from the pain.
He meets his superior who says, "Hah, that'll make you limp!" He meets the other Jesuit who is walking just fine, no trouble at all. When he asks him about it, the other replies, "The superior didn't say we couldn't _boil_ the peas now, did he."
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 08:42:38 METDST
From: Jan Kucera
Subject: Ideal measures
I heard this from my colleague yesterday:
Q: What are ideal woman's measures?
A: 87 - 50 - 108
(units: years - million $ - Fahrenheit of fever)
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 09:03:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
A mother was bathing her young son one night when she realised
that his penis was actually very small even for a child. That
morning at her coffee group she casually brought up the question of penis size in boys. The other mothers described the size of
the penises of their sons and she realised that her son's penis was definitely very small. She decided to seek medical advice.
The doctor examined her son and agreed that the penis was
exceptionally small. The mother explained her concern that her
son would not be able to perform as a man later in life. The
doctor shook his head and admitted that the only thing her son's penis would ever excite would be a passing bird which might
mistake it for a worm. In response to her plea for help to
enlarge the penis the doctor shook his head and said that there was nothing that medical science could do.
Distraught the mother confided in her best friend, who took to
one side and whispered that she knew of a witch in the next
street. The witch had used a spell to make hair grow on her
husband's balding head. She thought that perhaps the witch might be able to help the son. Sceptical the mother took the boy around to the house of the witch.
In a dark room complete with black cat and bottles of strange
substances the witch listened to the mother describe the boy's
problem. Inspecting the boy's penis the witch tried not to
snigger and shook her head in amazement. Telling the mother and son to wait the witch consulted her old, crumbing texts. At last the witch returned and took the mother to one side. "Hot toast", she said, "Hot buttered toast makes 'em grow, you know." In
disbelief the mother left and took her son deciding that in the absence of anything else she would give it a try.
On the way home she met her best friend and her husband, who now had a handsome head of hair on what had, indeed, been a bald
pate. As she lay in bed that night next to her sleeping husband the mother thought long and hard.
The next morning the son duly woke up, dressed and went
downstairs to the kitchen. To his disbelief he found that the
kitchen table was piled high with plates and plates of hot
"Mam, mam," he cried, "I can't eat all these."
"Shut up," the mother replied passing him a plate. "These two
pieces are for you. The rest are for your Dad!"
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 09:45:32 CET
From: Pete Plassmann
<@KAISERSLAU-EMH1.ARMY.MIL:firstname.lastname@example.org> Subject: Plane Humor
Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
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Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified
3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________
4. Serial Number____________________
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Sleazy Arms Broker
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
_Recommended by salesperson
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Negative experience opposing one in combat
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_Misc. Third-World Countries
9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:
Product Own Intend to purchase
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:
_Corrupt (Latin American)
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_Suitcases of Cocaine
12. Occupation You Your Spouse
13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Default on Loans
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Mutually Assured Destruction
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Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 00:58:59 -0700
From: "Corey J. Cooper"
Subject: computer virus humor
Here are some of the more recient viruses that are going arround....
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.
Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to your PC!
Bit By a Duck
Nekhai kachka tebe kopne
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 11:53:59 PDT
Subject: Life 4.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jan 89
The Court of King George III
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Management Analyst to the British Crown
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 22:09:42 EDT
From: Whitmark Christop CDT
Subject: Joke non-offensive
First, thanks for all the corrections on my last post about the Marines. I didn't get the song right, and I am sorry, but that is probably why I am not a Marine.
This joke is not funny to read, but should be good to play on someone else, I got a kick out of it.
I was driving down the road the other day and saw a hitchhiker. So I stopped and picked him up. Well, he got in the back seat with a bag. Well, my friend, being nosey, asked him what was in the bag. He said, "none of your business." OK. So we go on a few more minutes, and my friend asked agian, "hey whats in the bag?" He again said, "none of your business." Well, this sounded too fishy for us so we pulled over and told him to get out. Well, he jumped out and we took off. My friend looks in the bcak seat and sees the bag. **Now the person listening to the joke has to ask, "whats in the bag?"** You say, "none of your business."
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 22:18:34 EST
From: Clarity Hands
Subject: The Japanese won the boat race
Once upon a time, an America Aerospace comapny and their Japanese counterpart decided to have a competitive boat race on the St. John River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the big day they both felt as ready as they could be.
The Japanese won by a mile!
Afterwords, the American team became very discouraged by the loss and the morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A continuous "Measurable
Improvement Team" was set up to investigate the problem and to
recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion:
The problem was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing, and one person steering, whereby the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering, and not enough were rowing."
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the teams
management structure was totally reorganized to four steering
managers, three area steering managers, one staff steering manager and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder. "We must give him empowerment and
enrichment, that ought to do it."
The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all the paddles, cancelled all capitol investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a "High Performance" award to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved on bonuses to the senior executives.
Date: Wed, 20 Apr 1994 15:31:00 BST
From: Adam BJ Quantrill
Subject: 3 Medical: Birth Pain, Quadruplets, Big Dick/Stutter
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"A little more..."
"No. A little more..."
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
Max Brown, a young father-to-be, was waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife was giving birth to their first baby. As he paced the floor, a nurse popped her head around the door.
"It's a boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think you'd better go and have a cup of coffee because there might be another!"
Max turned a little pale and left. Some time later, he rang the hospital and was told he was the father of twins.
"But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the way. Ring back again in a little while."
At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough. He ordered a few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a third baby had arrived and a fourth was imminent.
Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he dialed the wrong number and got the recorded cricket score.
When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the recording was still going strong, "The score is 96 all out, and the last one was a duck."
A man goes to the doctor and says "c cc ca can yy you he he help mm me with m my stutter". The doctor says of course and tells him to lie on the couch. He examines him and finds that the man has a 16" cock. The doc says "no wonder you have a stutter with that hanging off your vocal chords, I'll have to take some off". So he removes 10" and sends him home. A week later the man returns complaining that his wife misses the large cock, though his stutter is cured. "Is there any way you can help?" he asks. The doctor replies "sssss ss se send hhh hhh he her in to me a a and i'll ss ss sssee what i can d d d d d do!!!!!!!!!
Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 08:35:00 EDT
From: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642"
There was this man that had four daughters. It just so happened that all four were going out on the same night.
At 6:00, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door said, "Hi. I'm Freddie. I'm here for Betty. Were going to eat Spaghetti." The man replied, "That's cute. I'll get her for you." He got his daughter and she and her date went out.
At 6:15, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door said, "Hi. I'm Lance. I'm here for Nance. Were going to a dance." The man replied, "That's really good. I'll get her for you." He got his daughter and she and her date went out.
At 6:30, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door said, "Hi. I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. Were going to a show." The man replied, "That's very nice. I'll get her for you." He got his daughter and she and her date went out.
At 6:45, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door said, "Hi. I'm Chuck" and the man shot him.
Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 08:48:52 -0500
Subject: Software testing; send email; Birthday announcement From: email@example.com (Ken Ficara)
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"
New York, NJ, Sept. 24 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a
time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."
Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.
"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to software testing.
PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of software programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Nora Hartley)
Subject: Please send me e-mail
Hi. Could everybody please send e-mail from all over the world reminding me not to leave my terminal without logging out? Thank you. (Use foreign languages if possible).
Please e-mail, I do not subscribe to this group, nor do I normally read news. This will be a big surprise the next time I log on.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: email@example.com ("Johnson")
Subject: Re: Birthday Announcement...
David Schnardthorst writes:
>I have a co-worker whose birthday is today, October 5, 1993, Please >Flood his e-mail with condulences...
> David Schnardthorst System Administrator
> Stryder Communications Computer Consulting
Well, as a long time r.h reader, I've seen lots of netiquette violations, but this is a new one--the sysadmin asking for his mail system to be brought to its knees. And at a computer consulting company yet, specializing in communications. I'd be tempted to second-guess any advice I got from them...
Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 09:31:58 PDT
From: Cindy Parker
Subject: Parents' Guide to Teenage Crime and Punishment
Text item: Text_1
Again, and as always, this was taken from
MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
This may be offensive if you are a typical parent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CRIME |THE RESPONSE |THE PUNISHMENT | THE RESULT --------------|-----------------|--------------------|---------------- Some smart*ss |Icy stare. Fork |Silent treatment. |Kid will move remark at |pointed in kid's |Barely perceptible |out at 18, get a dinner |direction. "Shut |shaking of head |job in computer |up, you." |whenever kid speaks.|programming, be | | |married, | | |miserable, and | | |divorced by 23. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caught shop- |Slow shaking of |No allowance 2 mos. |Kid will go to lifting down |head in disgust. |Grounded 1 month. |community at the mall. |"So you're a |Reproachful looks |college, drop |slimy little |from now on. |out after 2 1/2 |thief. I hope | |semesters, go to |you're proud of | |work for Dad's |yourself." | |business. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Insolent hair |Snorts of dis- |Confiscate clothing.|Kid will shape and clothing. |belief. "You're |Continuous |up upon grad- |not leaving this |belittling. Ship |uation, join |house 'til you |kid off to military |army, wound self |look decent." |school. |on patrol in | | |Central America. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Heavy petting |"Just what in |Kid's date banished.|Kid will run or worse with |God's name is |Early curfew. |away at 16, some squinty |going on around |Compulsory church |hitchhike to little creep |here?" |attendance. |next state, get in the base- | | |a job in tire ment rec room.| | |warehouse, | | |settle down by | | |18.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Secret |Flaring nostrils.|Early curfew. |Kid will be inspection of |Huffing and |Grounded 1 month. |married by 19, 2 bedroom |puffing. Sputter-|Continued secret |kids by 21, 3 reveals birth |ing. Maybe knock |inspections of bed- |kids by 23, control pills |the kid around a |room. Glowering |completely de- or devices. |bit. |looks. |moralized by 25. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Pregnant. |"How the HELL did|Kick kid out of |Baby will be |you get |house. |aborted or given |pregnant?" | |up for adoption, | | |kid will move | | |across country | | |and never speak | | |to you again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Home after |"If there's ONE |No borrowing Dad's |Kid will go to curfew. Beer |scratch on my |car 2 months. Early |college, join on breath. |car, you're going|curfew. Baleful |fraternity or |to wish you were |looks. |sorority, meet |never born." | |future spouse, | | |get married, end | | |up just like | | |you. ----------------------------------------------------------------------