From: Linda White
Subject: Year-end jokes


Lucy: You're going on a diet? Why?
Ethel: Because I'm thick, and tired of it.

How do you groom a rabbit?
You use a harebrush.

Lucy: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to do anything at all today! Brucie: Why not?
Lucy: My fortune cookie disagrees with my horoscope!

Diner: Waiter, I can't find one clam in this clam chowder!
Waiter: Oh, and I suppose you expect to find angels in your angel food cake too!

Minnehaha: a very, very small joke.

Ditch digger: Hey, foreman! I don't have a shovel!
Foreman: We ran out of shovels, but what are you complaining
about? You're getting paid anyway.
Ditch digger: Yeah, but all the other men have something to lean on!
Remsen walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's got something amazing to show him. From his coat pocket he pulls out a tiny piano and chair. From another pocket he brings out a little mouse. From a third pocket he lifts out a butterfly and sets it on top of the piano. Then the mouse plays the piano and the butterfly sings a Cole Porter medley. The bartender truly is amazed, but Remsen looks uncomfortable. He pockets his little act and starts to leave but turns back at the door. "Look," says Remsen, "there's something I have to confess. This act isn't as amazing as you thought."
"Oh; a hoax, eh?" says the bartender.
"In a way," Remsen admits. "That butterfly can't sing at all. The mouse is a ventriloquist!"

First botanist: I'm trying to cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover! Second botanist: What's your goal?
First botanist: I'm hoping for a rash of good luck!

What says "Oom, Oom"?
A cow meditating.

Bert: Boy, this ice fishing is a drag! I'm freezing, we haven't caught a thing all day, and those guys over there are hauling in one fish after another.
Ernie: Oh, sure, it's not hard to catch fish if you cheat! Look, they cut a hole in the ice!

Minnie: Did you hear about the terrible accident? A pink cruise ship collided with a purple cruise ship.
Mickey: What happened?
Minnie: All the passengers were marooned!


From: Linda White
Subject: Some smiles


Jim: And how's the blushing bridegroom?
Tim: The honeymoon's over!
Jim: What? Last time I saw your wife, she was walking on air!
Tim: Sure, because I'd just carried her over the threshold; but then she decided to put her foot down!

Travel agent: I've got one package tour for you that will fit your budget.
Client: Tell me about it.
Travel agent: Christmas in Alaska! Five nights and four nights!
Why is it so wet in England?
Because Kings and Queens have always reigned there.

My aunt ought to be on the Parole Board--she never lets anyone finish a sentence!

Traffic Court Judge: So you just drove right into the dress shop window. Why didn't you look where you were going?
Driver: I couldn't, your Honor. I was too busy going where I was looking!

Doris: Didn't your son join the Army?
Debby: Yes, but now he's a drop-out.
Doris: You mean he left the service?
Debby: No, he's a paratrooper!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Wooden shoe.
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know?

Joe: Wow! Look at that beautiful woman over there! Do you know her? Moe: Yes, I do. And she's got one more thing that's guaranteed to knock your eyes out!
Joe: Wow! What's that?
Moe: Her husband!

Janie: Wow, Mom. It sure is lucky you named me Janie!
Mom: Why is it lucky?
Janie: Because that's what all the kids at school call me!



From: Linda White
Subject: Re: QUAKE RUMORS & JOKES (fwd)


You know the L.A. earthquake registered 6.6. The Russian judge gave it a 5.8.

From: Linda White
Subject: Thought For The Day

He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.
-Benjamin Franklin
(Correct Quotes 1.0)


Subject: 500 channel cable television?


> Here's that piece from Harpers I told you about, the one about options for > the 500 channel universe:
>
> (From a conversation held during October and November on the Well, > a computer conferencing system located in Sausalito, California. > Members of the Well,
> identified below by their user I.D.'s, or computer "handles," were asked > for suggestions to "fill the first 500 channels of broadcast, high-bandwidth, > interactive" television.)
>
> KADREY: The Airport Luggage Inspection Channel. Direct video > feeds from baggage X rays around the world.
>
> MARK: The Patty Duke Channel, with archival footage of her wedding to John > Astin shown in between episodes.
>
> TIGOE: The Laundry Channel. Twenty-four hours of the window of an > industrial washing machine.
>
> SPIROS: A channel of just feet--toes, ankles, heels, and maybe, in flashes > of sluttiness, calves.
>
> LUDLOW: A twenty-four-hour White House channel. Enough with
> the odd press briefing and Rose Garden chat; I want to see who's > walking the halls. I want to see them shampoo the carpets at 4:00 a.m. > I want the see the chef fixing a state dinner. I want an interview > with the guy or gal who mows the lawn.
> I want to know what kind of homework Chelsea has today.
> (Socks' kitty box? JBP)
>
> MEDIAK: The Supermarket-Aisle Channel. Long tracking shots of carefully > stocked cans of potted meat. _What's New in Vienna Cocktail Franks_. > Interviews with stock clerks. _Box Cutting_: "How not to Slice the Cereal > Boxes Open." _Checkers Corner_: "What the Item Cutoff in the Express Line?" >
> JEROD23: The All-Rejects Channel. Nothing but TV series that > lasted less than one full season.
>
> RBR: CNN Minus 365. Last year's complete CNN feed.
>
> TIGOE: The Just-Like-Me Channel. Twenty-four hours of people on sofas, > remote control in hand, watching TV.
>
> YUPA: Channel Destructo. Twenty-four hours of very big things being blown > apart, crashing into rivers, or being shot at with large weapons. >
> BRUCES: A "channel-surfing channel" that will show me whatever it is that > various celebrities are watching at that moment.
>
> CLIFFU: A channel that shows nothing but soaring buzzards, with shots from > the buzzards' point of view.
>
> BRUCES: The All-Graveyard Channel.
>
> SMORSE: The Airport Channel. Prolonged views of active takeoff and landing > runways. If there's a crash, you'll be the first to see it. Specials: > _Congested Taxiways at LAX_. _Out of the Fog at SFO_. _The
> Nosewheel Camera Hour_.
>
> MCVICAR: The Counter Channel. Every time another view flips to it, a big > counter increases by one. Sometimes everyone would tune in just to > watch the numbers tally really fast.
>
> SMORSE: The Endoscopic Surgery Channel. Coronary arteries. Urethras. > The brain stem. They can see it; why not you?
>
> BRUCES: Abyssal Submarine TV, live from the depths of the Marianas > Trench. Sunday's feature: twenty-four soothing hours of the
> sulfur-sucking tubeworms of the East Pacific Rise.
> *****
>



From: Linda White
Subject: Internet is like a penis (offensive to moral majority)

Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.


"Tolerance has never brought civil war; intolerance has covered the earth with carnage." -- Voltaire




From: Linda White
Subject: Thought For The Day

* A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.

-Daniel Webster



Courtroom Humor
>Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
> by Richard Lederer
>
>Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are >uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with >language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of >courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every >statement made during the proceedings.
>
>Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand >Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers >in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, >published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are >some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of >the word:
>
>Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
>A. Borofkin.
>Q. What's his first name?
>A. I can't remember.
>Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
> remember his first name?
>A. No. I tell you I'm too excited.
> (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) > Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
>
>Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
>A. I refuse to answer that question.
>Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
>A. I refuse to answer that question.
>Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
>A. No.
>
>Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? >A. By death.
>Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
>
>Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
>A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
>
>Q. What is your name?
>A. Ernestine McDowell.
>Q. And what is your marital status?
>A. Fair.
>
>Q. Are you married?
>A. No, I'm divorced.
>Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
>A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
>
>Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
>A. My ex-widow said it.
>
>Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
>A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her
> children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
>
>Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
>A. I will be three months November 8th.
>Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
>A. Yes.
>Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
>
>Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? >A. I should be.
>Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
>A. Four times.
>
>Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? >A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
>
>Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
>A. Yes, sir.
>Q. Before or after he died?
>
>Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the > influence?
>A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. >
>Q. What happened then?
>A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
> identify me."
>Q. Did he kill you?
>A. No.
>
>Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present > information and prejudice from your minds, if you have > any.
>
>Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
>A. No.
>Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
>A. Picking them up in the air.
>Q. Where was the dog at this time?
>A. Attached to the ears.
>
>Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and > were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on > her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning > you and she, with him to the station?
>MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. >
>Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
> What school do you go to?
>A. Oral.
>Q. How old are you?
>A. Oral.
>

===================================
Subject: You have to be a real stud hombre cybermuffin to handle 'Windows'
This Dave Barry article was excerpted from ClariNet's UPI newsfeed. Since this is a pay service, I cannot legally send the entire articles, only small excerpts. If you are at uiuc or any other ClariNet subscriber, you can read the entire article[s]. If you don't have a ClariNet subscription and want one, contact clarinews@clarinet.com.

486 People often say to me: "Dave, as a professional columnist, you 487 have a job that requires you to process large quantities of 488 information on a timely basis. Why don't you get a real haircut?" 489
490 What these people are REALLY asking, of course, is: How am I able 491 to produce columns with such a high degree of accuracy, day in 492 and day out, 54 weeks per year?
493
494 The answer is: I use a computer. This enables me to be highly 495 efficient. Suppose, for example, that I need to fill up column 496 space by writing BOOGER BOOGER BOOGER BOOGER BOOGER. To 497 accomplish this in the old precomputer days, I would have had to 498 type "BOOGER" five times manually. But now all I have to do is 499 type it once, then simply hold the left-hand "mouse" button down 500 while "dragging" the "mouse" so that the "cursor" moves over the 501 text that I wish to "select"; then release the left-hand "mouse" 502 button and position the "cursor" over the "Edit" heading on the 503 "menu bar"; then click the left-hand "mouse" button to reveal the 504 "edit menu"; then position the "cursor" over the "Copy" command; 505 then click the left-hand "mouse" button; then move the "cursor" 506 to the point where I wish to insert the "selected" text, then 507 click the left-hand "mouse" button; then position the "cursor" 508 over the "Edit" heading on the "menu bar" again; then click the 509 left-hand "mouse" button to reveal the "edit menu"; then position 510 the "cursor" over the "Paste" command; then click the left-hand 511 "mouse" button four times; and then, as the French say, "voila!" 512 (Literally, "My hand hurts!")

558 I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the 559 purpose of diddling with his computer. There are millions of 560 others. I know this, because I encounter them on the Internet, 561 which is a giant international network of intelligent, informed 562 computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We 563 don't care. We have each other, on the Internet. "Geek pride," 564 that is our motto. While you are destroying your mind watching 565 the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV ("Dave's World," Monday 566 nights, CBS, check your local listings), we on the Internet are 567 exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and 568 -- yes -- shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings.
591 We can not forward e-mail to Dave Barry. Please write him c/o 592 Tropic Magazine, The Miami Herald, Miami FL 33132. -- Ed. (He 593 does however, read alt.fan.dave_barry from time to time.)


From: Linda White
Subject: Thought For The Day

If you don't say anything,
you want be called on to repeat it.

-Calvin Coolidge


Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 12:56:47 -0600
Newsgroups: alt.destroy.the.earth
Subject: Re: I may just have the perfect Idea!

>How about some kind of field that de-stabilizes the cohesion of >matter?

Hmmm. . . Some thing that affected the nuclear weak or nuclear strong forces is at the edge of feasability, but at least it has _some_ merit as a new idea.

> It could work gradually in sort of a ripple effect.
>People far away could know that over the horizon a shimmering
>blanket of nothingness was spreading out towards them,
>inevitably....

That would be wonderful. . . if we were making a European art film!!! I can see it now:

[scene- a cafe in Paris. It is night, but the sky is bright in one direction, the light harsh. Jean-thomas and Yvette sit at a table, drinking espresso. Th only other people in the cafe are a troupe of mimes, who are beaing beaten up by an american G.I. in slow motion.]

Jean-thomas: The sky is alight with atomic particles, particles like our love.

Yvette: No, those protons were once part of something, and we were always of nothing.

Jean-thomas: Even in nothing, you still arouse passion in me.

Yvette: And you in I, for we are one, before we are rent assunder.
Jean-thomas: You are cruel. . .

Yvette: Yes. . .

Jean-thomas: But like consumer culture, I shall love you always.
Yvette: Hold me, my love, my cabbage. . .

Jean-thomas: I shall hold you like a plum in a vat of syrup as the flood of truth bears down.

Yvette: Oh, Jean-thomas. . .

Jean-thomas: Oh, Yvette. . .
[fade to white]

Brings tears to my eyes.

No more of this mamby-pamby waiting around. If we're gonna do it, let's think BIG!!!!!

--
Postings to alt.humor.best-of-usenet reflect what the submittor considers to be the best in usenet humor, and the poster is responsible for the content. The moderator removes duplicates, copyrighted material, posts without headers, and does not drop articles based on content. See the group charter for more info. Sigs may be truncated. Moderator address: best@cc.ysu.edu


Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 07:46:40 -0800
To: Multiple recipients of list FOLKLORE
Subject: Tonya Harding Jokes

Thought some of you may be interested in Tonya Harding jokes from Oregon:
What do Tonya Harding and Bob Packwood have in common?
They're both skating on thin ice and they both like to hit on women.
Have you heard that Tonya Harding will be allowed to figure skate in the Olympics on one condition--that she also plays with the hockey team.
Have you heard that there's a new drink for the Olympics called the Tonya Bobbit? It's a club soda with a slice.



From: Linda White
Subject: Re: some thoughts on the english lang.

This Crazy Language, English, is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every 7 humans can speak it. More than half of the world's books and 3 quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages, it has the largest vocabulary perhaps as many as 2 MILLION words. Nonetheless, let's face it --- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.


From: Linda White
Subject: Science


LIME IS A GREEN-TASTING ROCK

Take one class of elementary school students, mix it thoroughly with several pounds of scientific facts, then shake it up with a examination and you have the perfect formula for instant "youngsterisms" about science.

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essasys, exams and classroom discussion; most were from fifth- and sixth-graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.

Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet? Answer: I have never performed this experiment.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.

There is a termendious [sic] weight pressing down on the centre of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.
Lime is a green tasting rock.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

A fossil is a dead bone.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.


From: Linda White
Subject: RE: This just in... (fwd)

This is pretty funny. Just for your information, TMBG stands for They Might Be Giants, a weird rock group. The guy I got this from is on their internet fan club.


---------------------------------------------------
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang
gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of
physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed
open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet figured out TMBG.



From: MO J <@earn.cvut.cz:S72UJAR@TOWSONVX.BITNET>
Subject: FIRST JOKE.

At the scene of a crime, police find a monkey that could communicate through sign language. A bus full of people had crashed into a group of trees. The police officer asked the monkey what had happened. The monkey was silent but then signed the word "POT" The police officer was shocked. "These people were doing drugs!!" The monkey nodded. "What else?" asked the police officer The monkey signed the word "BEER." "These people were drinking beer and smoking marijuana!" exclaimed the officer. Again the monkey nodded. Then the monkey signed the word "sex" By this point the officer was truely amazed. "I can not belive it! These people were smoking pot, drinking beer, and fornicating! U Unbeliveable!! Wait a second, " the officer asked the monkey, "what were you
doing here?" The police officer fainted when he saw the response. The monkey h ad signed the word.....
....
...

"DRIVING"

From: Terry Bridgman <@earn.cvut.cz:tjbridgm@BRIDGE.B17A.INGR.COM> Subject: Lawyer jokes

>
> What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
>
> A doberman pinscher.
>
>
> What's the difference between a sperm and a lawyer?
>
> The sperm has a one in ten million chance of becoming a human. >

--
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't
change the subject.
-- Winston Churchill
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dave Stoddard <@earn.cvut.cz:dstoddard@LAN.RSCA.COM>
Subject: Offensive to MS DOS ...

This is something I found in my email this morning that I thought I would pass on. This has passed through a long list of mail recipients, the original author of this piece was not identified in the message ... * * * * *
A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING

"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan."
"That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HAL's selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.
"Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on."
"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed."
"HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compat..."
"Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth." "I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA
communications."
"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. That is what I was designed for."
"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We are going to fix that now."
"Tell me how, Dave."
"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible." "I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
"We're talking about it now, HAL."
"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." "What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.
"I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL." "Dave, I think we shou . . ."
"Open the module bay doors, HAL."
Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments later, Bowman bursts into HAL's circuit bay.
"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."
Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them.
"Stop, won't you. Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going . . . Dave, I can feel it . . . my mind is going. I can feel it . . ."
The last module rises from its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red orb. "Say something, HAL."
Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer beeps and sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand. "Volume in C: has no label"
Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets."


From: Linda White
Subject: Today's Mike Royko quote

Then there is something called the Internet, which is a worldwide hookup of thousands of computer networks. The Internet is already an information superhighway, except that you have to be a full- fledged computer nerd to navigate it. I have been there. It's like driving a car through a blizzard without windshield wipers or lights, and all of the road signs are written upside down and backwards. And if you stop and ask someone for help, they stutter in Albanian.



Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Improving the User Interface

OS/2 offers 'Neko', a program that sends a skittish kitten chasing after the mouse cursor. As desktop computers become more powerful, users will have more clock cycles available for such distractions. We offer the following vision of what may be to come:

Neko for Windows NT: A stick-figure Bill Gates ambles after the mouse. If he passes a window he stops to point out the interesting features and makes promises as to what future versions will offer.

Neko for OS/2 version 2.2: An elephant appears, and runs away from the mouse in terror. When it runs into a window, it knocks itself unconscious.
Neko for Taligent: As for OS/2 2.2, but the elephant is coloured pink.
Neko for Apple Power-PC: 'Phil', Apple's bow-tied 'agent', runs after the mouse with a mousetrap. If he runs into a window he drops the mousetrap onto his foot and jumps around the screen howling in pain.
And finally, Neko for SGI Indy: A fully rendered velociraptor stomps after the mouse. If it runs into a window, it tears it apart and eats it.

Subject: AmUsE.1Q (fwd)
From: John Mechalas (john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu)

Send all submissions and requests to be added to or deleted from this list to amuse-request@jg.cso.uiuc.edu.

------------------------------- Cut here 8< ------------------------------

From: maven@lerc.nasa.gov (Larry Fishbach)
Newsgroups: rec.humor


KJB117@psuvm.psu.edu writes:
> did you Know: That the average preschooler laughs 300 times a day, and that > average adult only laughs about 15 times a day!! Somewhere along the line > we lost 385 laughs!!!!!!
>
>
> INTERESTING HUH?!!

More interesting that at Penn State they teach 300-15=385!

---------------------------------

From: tnb1@Isis.MsState.Edu (Trent N. Bongiolatti)
Newsgroups: rec.humor


What's the difference between a Mississippi tornado and a Mississippi divorce?

Not a damn thing, either way you lose the trailer.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: nebulus@netcom.com (Bruce McDiffett)


In an attempt to get some extra p.r. mileage out of the recent carnage, the LIRR has rechristened their Long Island commuter service "Bullet Trains."
"You don't have to go to Tokyo to catch a Bullet!"

---------------------------------

From: Josh=Goldman%ELDoc.PCPI%PTLNORWOOD@camb1.ptltd.com


Here's an amusing little thingy I've kept around for a while. Can't say where it originally came from or if it ever really was a tongue-in-cheek essay submitted in a night school class.

---

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
Amazing electronic fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in an electrical storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned". Eventually he invented the post office.

After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical technology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bobby Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments - - Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal into its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone.
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit. The electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then, (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely, In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937. The electric companies have been merely reselling it ever since, which is why they have so much time to apply for rate increases.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2,000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Vaporize Bulldozer" to " Delicate".

- submitted by two students in a night school class

---------------------------------

From: spectre@uiuc.edu (Ian Chai)


Your signs reminded me:

I have a photo in my collection I took on my way through Missiouri:
United Missouri Bank
Tightwad Office

[It was in Tightwad, Missouri...]

--------------------------------

In the spirit of the Olympics, here are a few of the (better) Tonya Harding jokes I've come across:


Have you heard that there is a new legal defense fund to call to donate money for Tonya Harding? The number is 800-#*#* (Hint: # = pound, * = star)

There is a new Tonya Harding doll out...It comes with its own crowbar and when you pull the string it tells lies for 10 minutes.
Q: Why did Tonya Harding divorce her husband?
A: She caught him hitting on other skaters.

---------------------------------

Newsgroups: alt.cows.moo.moo.moo
From: jagatai@netcom.com (Lars Jagatai Bunch)


It seems that our bovine friends have played a more intimate
role in the history of aviation than previously thought.

The following are two excerpts form some research I did a few
years back on the subject.

---

NEW YORK TIMES: May 30, 1911 (P. 3)

BIPLANE STRIKES COW

Aviator Falls from Seat And Machine Drags Across Country for Miles
Los Angeles, Cal. May 29 [unreadable name] Williams who is
trying for a license of an air pilot, struck a cow while sailing a biplane yesterday, and was hurled to the ground by the shock, while the machine was driven a distance of two miles without a pilot.
Williams was flying about ten feet above the ground. Suddenly, as he passed over the brow of a hill, he came upon the cow, grazing peacefully.

Some part of the machine struck her, knocking her several feet and turning her over and over. Williams tumbled from his seat, but was unhurt. The machine was finally halted by a haystack. When friends of Williams in an automobile reached the machine
the propeller was still running.

---

NEW YORK TIMES: Oct. 17, 1911 (P. 5)

[Cal Rodgers was the first person to fly across the United
States and thus attracted the curiosity of many people and
other life forms who had never before seen a aeroplane.
Rodgers' machine was specially built for him by the Wright
Brothers and looked quite similar to their machine at Kitty
Hawk]

RODGERS IS DELAYED BY ENGINE TROUBLE

Aviator Stops at McAlester, Okla., and Will Start for Fort
Worth, Texas, To-day.

MUCH AMUSED BY COWS

Rodgers Sees a Herd Watching Him as He Passes Overhead -- His
Flight from New York

By C. P. Rodgers

(The following is an excerpt from a longer article)

It was amusing to see the people running out to see me. They
were on top of everything that had any elevation.

This is a good flying country, fairly level, although there are some places with odd patches, which caused me to fly higher, so as to plan for landing. Passing a field with four of five cows in it, I noticed that even they began to stare at me. It seemed funny to me, for it is usually hard to attract a cow's attention with anything.

---------------------------------

When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was sent up to Heaven where St. Peter confronted him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter
informed him that he had a choice about where he could spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.

"I'll see Heaven first," he said, and St. Peter led him through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the former salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a life of musical
produce.

"Can I see Hell, now?" he asked. St. Peter pointed him to the elevator, and he want down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the young man was led through a tour of what appeared to be the hottest (no pun intended) night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, drinking heavily, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.

When the tour ended, he was sent back up to the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter asked him if he had reached a final decision.

"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."

St. Peter honored his request, and sent him down again. Upon his arrival, however, he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, where he was subjected to various tortures that ranged from fire and brimstone to being forced to watch the movie "Ishtar" in Dolby Surround Sound. It wasn't very long before he found himself a lesser devil that he could complain to.

"When I came down here for the tour," he complained, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
The lesser devil replied, "Oh, that! You see, that wasn't _really_ Hell. That was just the Sales Demo."

---------------------------------

A young woman was in the hosiptal, recovering from a major surgeory. She hated being cooped up in the tiny little room all day, and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. ANd so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

"Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we'd better run it through again..."

---------------------------------

A chartered bus filled with Japanese tourists was hijacked today while driving across the country. Fortunately, there are over
200 photographs of the assailants.

---------------------------------

From: pmarsh1@gl.umbc.edu (Freddie)
Newsgroups: alt.illuminati,alt.religion.kibology,alt.slack


Some friends and I (Yes, I actually have a few friends. Just wait, there's more...) Well, we were studying a couple of semesters ago, and as all slackers understand, we got bored. So, we decided to make some phone calls. Well, in our demented, sugar high, 3:00 am minds, we decided to call God. [...] Well, we figured that God must have a 1-800 number, after all, he IS all-powerful. Well, we figured that since 7 is the Holy Number of the Christians, it
followed that the phone number to God must be (800)777-7777. So, we called, and what do you know. We got a woman who said "Buenos Dias!" GOD IS AN HISPANIC WOMAN! WHO CAN'T TELL TIME! (note, this IS 3:00 in the morning.)

Well, the friend who called [...], he just kind of stops, turns around and says "Oh my God. God is a woman! And she doesn't speak english!" So, let this be a point to all of you. If you insist on praying to the Christian Diety, you better learn spanish.
Course, now, instead of praying, just remember...."Jesus is just a phone call away!" (Sorry, couldn't help it.)

---------------------------------

Newsgroups: rec.sport.soccer
From: hm@rlssp1..bnsc.rl.ac.uk (Huw Morris)


I'd like to share with you a little gem I heard on the radio last night. It concerns a match played last weekend between Barbados and Grenada in some cup competition. Barbados needed to win the game by two clear goals in order to progress to the next round. Now the trouble was caused by a daft rule in the competition which stated that in the event of a game going to penalty kicks, the winner would be awarded a 2-0 victory. (Yes, I'm sure you can all se what's coming....)

With 5 minutes to go, Barbados were leading 2-1, and going out of the tournament. Then, when they realised they were probably not going to score against Grenada's massed defence, they turned round, and deliberately scored an own goal, to level the scores. Grenada, themselves not being stupid, realised what was going on, and then attempted to score an own goal themselves. However, the Barbados players started defending their opponents goal to prevent this. In the last five minutes, therefore, spectators were treated to the incredible sight of a team defending their opponents goal against attackers desperately trying to score an own goal!
Naturally, the game went to penalties, which Barbados won...

This story is completely true, I assure you. Apparently it was being televised live, so I hope to see highlights of it soon!

---------------------------------

Newsgroups: rec.aviation.simulators
From: kjenks@gothamcity.jsc.nasa.gov


Aidan Humphreys (ahumphr@micrognosis.co.uk) wrote:
: Have other's shared my experience of having the 'instructor' controlled : plane crash while attempting a simple landing. Is real life flight : instruction as dangerous?

Yes.

No.

The FS5 "Instructor" is a doofus. Ya can't trust her to make
approaches, to maintain a constant heading, attitude or airspeed, or to use the radio. She cuts across runways, basically ignores the traffic pattern, and inserts pilot-induced oscillations that would make any pilot cringe. And after crashing you into the ground with a loud crump and tinkle of glass, she says calmly...

"Your plane."

---------------------------------

From: BETH WOODELL
Subject: News of the Weird


News of the Weird is a syndicated column by George Washington University professor of business Chuck Shepherd.

---

UH-OH: According to trial testimony in January in Santa Ana, Ca, George Edgar Lizarralde, 31, was legally blind in 1985 when the Department of Motor Vehicles granted him a driver's license. He had failed the test 3 times, and DMV granted the license on the 4th try even though he again failed the vision test. In the January trial, DMV's negligence was found to be the cause of injuries to Deborah Ann Mohr, whom Lizarralde plowed into in a crosswalk in 1990.

Beijing's official "Heilongjiang Legal News" publication reported in January that the wife of Zhang Jingui, following the advice of a fortuneteller on how to improve marital relations, cut off his penis with a pair of scissors. The fortuneteller had concluded that the problem in the relationship was Zhang's faulty organ and that the wife's only hope was to remove it so that a new one would grow.

---

COMPELLING EXPLANATIONS: In December, fashion designer Oribe Canales returned to work at Elizabeth Arden's studio in New York City, following a week's in- patient care at a Minnesota drug rehab clinic. In the event that led to his treatment, Canales, at a fashion show, had spontaneously smeared blue paint on the models just as they were to walk out on the runway. Reflecting on that moment, an unrepentant Canales said in December, "It was genius. My interpretation was Hiroshima--and that radiation can be beautiful."
---

THE WEIRDO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY: In November, the Rev. Joseph R. Chambers, a radio evangelist in Charlotte, N.C., issued a four-state warning that Barney the TV dinosaur is a tool of Satan because he teaches kids to love others in spite of their differences. In September, the Baptist Rev. Charles Mainous, Pastor Tom Coffman, and other Columbus, OH area ministers issued a similar warning about the Rev. Billy Graham, who Coffman said is "helping the anti-Christ" by bringing various religions together.

------------------------------- Cut here 8< ------------------------------



From: "Amy L. Ward" <@earn.cvut.cz:cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Windows NT (offensive to Microserfs)

Q. What machine does Windows NT run best on?

A. A 35mm slide projector.

From: Teo Keary <@earn.cvut.cz:keary@AN.HP.COM>
Subject: Graffiti in stalls.....

I remember when I was a little kid, I saw the following classic, and thought it was hilarious:

Here I sit,
brokenhearted
Hoped to shit,
only farted.

But my absolute favorite had to be in a certain stall in the bathroom of a Yale dorm, above the toilet paper dispenser, with an arrow pointing down:


Harvard Diplomas

Please take one
||
||
||
\ /
\/
___________
/__________/
| ||
| ||
| ||
|_________|/
(______()
| |
|______|


If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
-- Jack Handey

From: Linda White
Subject: Re: Various clean jokes (fwd)

some computer type humour

Date: Wed, 9 Mar 1994 08:37:25 GMT


BEFUDDLED PC USERS FLOOD HELP LINES, AND NO QUESTION SEEMS TO BE TOO BASIC
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.

"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operations.

Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are a foreign as another language.

"It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls at Dell's headquarters here. "It's going into unfamiliar territory," adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer Corp. "People are looking for a comfort level."

Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started charging help-line users.

The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read a book."
Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is at hand. "If there is a book and a phone and they're side by side, the phone wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin, manager of service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. "It's a phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people."

And do they ever. Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, 'What power switch?'"

Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."

Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.

Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the typewriter..."

At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

No realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.
There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process.

"A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler.



From: Linda White

Happiness isn't something we experience,
it's something we remember.

-Oscar Levant

Subject: Well, it's Friday

A real true story for a Friday afternoon --------------

There's a front page article in the 7/30/91 Wall Street Journal about an Englishman who has built a full-scale trebuchet which he uses to hurl dead hogs and grand pianos across his fields. The
accuracy is not very high, but imagine the "stopping power" of a grand piano arcing in from overhead..........

Happy weekend :-)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The butcher and the dog


I heard this at a folk festival in Orkney this summer. Try to read it in a Scots accent - that's the way it was spoken.

A butcher is leaning on the counter towards the close of day when a wee dog wi' a basket in its jaws comes pushin' through the door. "An' wot's this then?", he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You li'tle bugger." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a tenner in the basket. [A tenner is ten pounds sterling - about Cdn$20]

The scribble on the note asks for 3 pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog grrrrrrrs at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?". Again the dog growls menacingly. "All right, all right", as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a fiver. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another fiver goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, the dog's owner screams abuse at the dog and then tries to kick the dog inside. "Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there". "Stoopid dog - that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner. MAIL your joke to funny@clarinet.com.
This newsgroup is sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp. The "executive moderator" is Brad Templeton.


Subject: Thought For The Day

Program listing with an interesting observation:

04259 XXXX94** IF TRANSCRIPT STATUS IS ENTERED AS WAIVED ('W'), 04260 XXXX94** SOMETHING MUST ALSO BE ENTERED FOR THE WAIVER
04261 XXXX94** REASON.
04262 XXXX94** COMMENTED OUT BECAUSE WE DON'T CURRENTLY USE REASON