From: Sara Rummelhart

Things Women think while making love:

The Mistress: "Slower, Slower!"
The Prostitute: "Faster, Faster!"
The Housewife: "Beige. Yes, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
----

Two women were chatting and one asked the other, "Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?" Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"

From: BABA

3 kinds of orgasms that women have --

the positive -- oh YES! oh YES!! OH YESS!!!
the negative -- oh no! oh NO!! OH NOOO!!!

& the holy orgasm --oh God! Oh GOD!! OH GOD!!!!

From: Wendy Meyers

A few years ago I was travelling to Hawaii to visit friends and had to pass through Pittsburgh on the way to Dulles International Airport outside of Washington D.C. As I was sitting on the plane in Pittsburgh there was a great discussion going on behind me.
Apparently these two gentlemen were each assigned the same seat and neither wanted to attempt to find another place.

After about five minutes of discussion, an attendent finally came back to see what the difficulty was. Looking at the two seat
assignments and finding them identical she asked one of the
gentlemen to sit in a different seat and proceeded to count the passengers on the plane to make sure that all had boarded.

Shortly before take-off, the flight attendent came on the
intercom to provide us with the pre-flight information; location of exits, etc. but instead began with the following:

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight #### to Dulles
International airport. If this is not your planned destination, please exit the plane now."

Wouldn't you know it, one of the guys who insisted that the seat behind me was his stood up, collected his things from the over
had compartment, and left!

From: Ian Chai

A man who speaks only Spanish goes into a small clothing store, with the intention of purchasing a pair of socks. He does not know where the socks are located, however, and walks over to a sales clerk to ask for them. Unfortunately, the clerk knows only English, so the
conversation progresses rather slowly.

Clerk: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Quiero comprar medias (I want to buy socks)

Clerk: I'm sorry...I don't understand Spanish. Do you want pants? [points to pants racks]

Customer: No, no. Quiero medias.

Clerk: Do you want shirts? [Points at shirts.]

Customer: No, no. Quiero medias. (No, no. I want socks.) [Points at feet.]
Clerk: Ahh...you want socks, right? [Points at socks.]

Customer: Medias, si! Eso, si, que es! (Socks, yes! That's exactly it!) [Pronounced S-O-C-K-S]

Clerk: Well if you knew how to spell it, why didn't you say so, in the first place?
---------------------------------------------------------------------- The next few are from Ben Wick's _Book_of_Losers:

When Lorenzo Castelli was struck and killed by a train, the Italian railroad sued him for delaying rail schedules for 29 minutes.

----

Bandits trying to break into an office for a payroll robbery even went so far as to fire a submachine-gun burst at the lock, but still didn't manage to get inside. Finally, they gave up and fled. Police said they had been pulling at the door instead of pushing.

----

A man runs off to a nearby city in search of his wife. After a day's long search he returns to his room and requests a call girl.
Imagine his surprise when he sees his wife!

----

A woman was so depressed and angry after her husband abandoned her. She jumped out of her window. She landed on her husband. Her husband died, she survived.

----

A lady golfer competing in the 1912 Shawnee Invitational for Ladies at Shawnee- on-Delaware took a glorious wack at the ball and watched as it sailed majestically into the Binniekill river. But luck was on her side. The ball remained floating, making it possible for the energetic golfer to leap into a boat and set off in hot pursuit. Each time she was within range of the ball our heroine would give an almighty swipe. She eventually connected and sent the ball up onto a small beach, 1.5 miles from where she had started. After leaping out of the bat she bagan to tackle the next hurdle - a forest lying between her ball and the hole. She finally made it in a magnificent 166 strokes for the 130-yard, par 3, 16th hole.

----

A French motorist's Citroen stalled on a railroad crossing. Unable to move the car, he fled. A freight train hit the automobile, derailed, tore up 300 feet of track, and spilled twenty box cars loaded with beer into an adjacent river. Three cranes had to be rented to remove the remains of the freight train. Rail service was disrupted for six weeks. The beer killed all the fish in the river and put local fishermen out of work for the season. And the locomotive engineer sued for two cracked ribs. The total claim against the motorist's insurance company exceeded seven million dollars.
From: Daniel McPherson

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From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 15 23:07 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA09399; Mon, 15 Nov 93 23:07:06 +0100
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Reply-To: Marty 'Spiff' Kuhrt
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Marty 'Spiff' Kuhrt
Subject: Voodoo Vibrator (sexually explicit language)
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Saw this on alt.tasteless.jokes this weekend.

THE VOODOO DICK

This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says: "Doctor, I just can't have an orgasm."
"Do you masturbate?", he says.
"No luck". is the reply.
"How about cunnilingus?"
"Nope"
"Kick-start vibrator?"
"Wakes up the neighbors, but not me." she complains.
"Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here." the doctor says as he walks into the next room. He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.
"What is it", she gasps.
"It's a VOODOO DICK," he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long, meaty shaft from the case. "It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK, hand!" he commands. The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye can see.
"Ooooh", she sighs.
"VOODOO DICK, case." The dick returns in a shot to its case. "You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power." "Certainly, of course, anything you say" she sputters, the wetness in her mouth matched by the wetness in her panties. So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good doctor and hurrying out to her car. But she can't wait to get home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her. "VOODOO DICK, hand!" she commands. It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear. "VOODOO DICK, pussy!" she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.
"VOODOO DICK, fuck me." It begins to thrust in and out. "VOODOO DICK, faster!" It quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course through her body. "VOODOO DICK, harder!" It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction.
"VOODOO DICK, stop."
BUT IT WON'T STOP
"VOODOO DICK, stop now!", she yells.
It continues its relentless assault.
"Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts"
It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get it. She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror. 60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the last corner.
Sirens blare.
The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car. "You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing- gotta go" she yells.
"Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your problem?"
"You don't under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK following me." she sputters.
"A WHAT?", the cop yells?
"A magic VOODOO DICK. It's after me!" she exclaims.
To which the cop replies, "VOODOO DICK, my ass!"

Sorry, the suspense is a killer, ain't it?

I--------------------------------------------------------------------I I Gregory S. King I "The Quality of Life is I I Aeronautical Engineering I Directly Proportional to I I Cal Poly SLO I How Fast You Drive" I I--------------------------------------------------------------------I
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 16 08:25 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA12798; Tue, 16 Nov 93 08:25:06 +0100
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Reply-To: RMARTIN@CMCVAX.CLAREMONT.EDU
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Robert Martin
Subject: Sexual and Racist - nothing better!
Comments: To: humor
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Here's a nice one for y'all...

One night, a black man walked into a pretty much all
white saloon, strode up to the bar, and ordered a shot
of whiskey. Downing it in one gulp, he turned around
and spoke out, rather loudly, "I'm 7'3", weigh 250 lbs.,
I play defensive lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, I
make a million dollars a year, and I fuck white woman!"

He looked around for any responses, and seeing none,
turned to the bartender and ordered another whiskey.
Again downing it in one gulp, he turned around and spoke
louder, "I'm 7'3", weigh 250 lbs., I play defensive
lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, I make a million
dollars a year, and I fuck white woman!"

Again, he looked around for a response, and again
noticing none, he turned around and ordered another
whiskey. Downing it in one gulp, he turned around, and
yelled, "I'm 7'3", weigh 250 lbs., I play defensive
lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, I make a million
dollars a year, and I fuck white woman!"

Again, he noticed no response. Turning to the white man
sitting next to him, he slapped him on the back and
said, "Did you hear what I say??"

The white man replied, "Yes, I did."

The black man then said, "Well, what do you think?"

The white man replied, "Well, if I made a million
dollars a year, I wouldn't fuck niggers either."


Rob

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 16 12:56 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA27072; Tue, 16 Nov 93 12:56:41 +0100
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Reply-To: RUMMELH@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Birthday duck
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

BIRTHDAY DUCK

For a boy's 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, "Go into town and see what you can get with this." The boy then went in search of the best deal he could find.

He first ran into a hooker who offered, "I'll have sex with you if you give me the duck." He agreed. Afterwards, she was so impressed she said, "If you do it again, I'll give you the duck back." He thought that this was an excellent deal, and agreed.

Since he had his duck back, he continued to walk through town to try to find something else. Suddenly, the duck flew out of his arms and into an oncoming truck. The driver of the truck was so sorry about killing the duck, he gave the boy 2 dollars.

When the boy arrived home, his father asked what he recieved for the duck.
His reply: "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck!"

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 16 13:52 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA27784; Tue, 16 Nov 93 13:52:02 +0100
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Reply-To: Mazin Dabbagh
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Mazin Dabbagh
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A. Subject: Few more Quotations..
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

* Doing business without advertising is like winkink at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing, but nobody els does.!!

* Even a stopped clock is right twice a day!!

* Think like a man of action and act like a man of thought.

* Eat to please thyself, but dress to please others.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 16 15:52 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA00343; Tue, 16 Nov 93 15:49:12 +0100
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Reply-To: D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Derryck Lamptey
Subject: Re: more insulting lines
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

This is from a british saop:

Scene: Mr A died in an accident (while driving) and Mr B's brother was put in a coma. Mr B found out that Mr A wa supposedly over the limit (drink) when the accident happened, and is well angry. He goes over to Mr A's widow, the night after he's been cremated:

[rantings, and ravings cut] (here's the punch line, no pun intended on "punch"!)
".. I am sure he burnt really well! He had enough alchohol in him!! "
No prizes for guessing the facial expressions af everyone around!!

Derryck.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 16 19:53 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA01180; Tue, 16 Nov 93 19:50:35 +0100
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Reply-To: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was
Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.2 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 4 May 88
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ About Banking...
RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," comitted by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing staings, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One newvous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 16 18:37 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA00342; Tue, 16 Nov 93 18:34:20 +0100
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Reply-To: "Nigel H. Mendez"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Nigel H. Mendez"
Subject: offensive to catholics
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Father Larry is in the confession booth one day when he has to go to the bathroom really bad. He Calls over to the janitor. Jim ,the janitor, comes over and Father Larry explains that he has to go to the bathroom and wants Jim to take over in the confession booth for him. Jim explains that he is not even catholic and does not think it would be appropriate for him to take over, Father Larry insits and explains to Jim that if somebody enters the booth to just look up the punishment in the book on the table. Jim agress and sits down in the booth. The first sinner comes in and says 'Father I have sinned, I have cursed at my mother' Jim thumbs through the book and finds 'cursing at mother'. Jim reads the note and tells the sinner to say two hail mary's and they are forgiven. A minute later another sinner comes into the booth and says 'Father I have sinned, I cheated on my test'. Once again Jim looks it up in the book and tells the sinner to say three "our Father's" and they will be forgiven. Jim starts top enjoy his new job and becomes more relaxed. The next sinner walks in and say 'Father please forgive me, I have sinned.' Jim says 'My son, What have you done' The sinner replys 'I have had anal sex' Jim, feeling very comfortable goes over to the book and looks up anal sex, not finding anything he checks again, but sure enough they is notheing for anal sex. Jim starts to get worried and then he notices little billy playign out back. Jim calls out to billy 'hey billy what does Father Larry give for anal sex?' Bill shouts back 'Two twinkies and a coke!'


hope you liked it

-Nigel

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 08:04 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA00416; Wed, 17 Nov 93 08:04:48 +0100
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Reply-To: irma
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: irma
Subject: Re: Kid's say the darndest things (G)
Comments: To: Mike Shockley
Comments: cc: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
In-Reply-To: <199311162210.AA28894@formby.tenet.edu>
Status: RO

You're right about that. Kids do say the darnest things.

I have a 3 year old and she has this cat named Ziggy who she just loves to carry all over the house. One day all three of us were sitting on the bed (my daughter, the cat and me) well obviously the cat had done a poo poo and I innocently said, "Oh Ziggy did a poo poo." to which my daughter replied, "No mommy Ziggy didn't poo poo, I farted."



> Kid's say the darndest things. My son, who was 4 yrs. old at > the time, was learning to use the toilet (for things other then just > watching the swirl as it flushes). At any rate, he was about take his > rightful place on the great white throne when he said to me "I better > be careful. If I fall in, I might hurt my feelings."!! I just about > died laughing!! :)
> Anyone else with kids around have stories to tell? Please do.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 08:05 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA00434; Wed, 17 Nov 93 08:04:58 +0100
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Reply-To: JOEMOLE@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Joe Mole
Subject: Saved from falling
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

SAVED FROM FALLING INTO THE WATER

The Mulla nearly fell into a pool of water. A passerby saved him in the nick of time. Every time they met in the future, the man reminded Nasrudin about how he had prevented him from getting wet.

Unable to stand it any longer, the Mulla took his friend to the pool, jumped in as far as the neck, and shouted: "Now I am as wet as I would have been if I had never met you! Will you leave me alone?"

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 12:41 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA04998; Wed, 17 Nov 93 12:41:01 +0100
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Reply-To: A.Limaye@BRA0504.WINS.ICL.CO.UK
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From: Ajit Limaye
Subject: More about Bulls
Comments: To: UGA Humor List
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
In-Reply-To: <"relay2.pip.696:17.10.93.05.08.37"@pipex.net>
Status: RO

The little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when
the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I
had to take her to the Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that"
"No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be
the Bull".

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 14:10 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA09974; Wed, 17 Nov 93 14:10:40 +0100
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Reply-To: Rafael Lacaz Ruiz
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Rafael Lacaz Ruiz
Subject: Woman & bad smell, MAY OFFENSE
Comments: To: humor%uga.bitnet@lion.cce.usp.br
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Well, this is a joke a heard few days ago. Laks me vocabulary, but I'll try:
There was a very (3 times) pretty woman, but she had a problem: she had a stink breath, a terrible smell when she opened her mouth. In the same way she was pretty, in the same way her breath smelled terrible. And... she went to her first party; she was deeply shy. Came to her a group of guests and one by one invited her to dance: - Do you wanna dance with me ? ...
- Hum, hum (she replied 'no' nodding her head, not oppening her mouth). She was so shy , she didn't want to open her mouth. Many guys called her to dance, but no way, she
"said" no. Finally came an insistent guy, and took her for dancing. When they were close to each other dancing he said:
- What's your name?
- Hum, hum
- What's your name?
- Hum, hum
- C'mom, what's your name?
She replied : - Andrea ( What a bad smell!!)
He said : - Oh!..You fart?
She said : - Hum, hum ("no")
He insisted : - Oh, You fart, didn't you?
She answered: - NO!
He said : - OH, NOW YOU MADE DUDU!!



BBBBBB III SSSS Rafael Lacaz Ruiz
B B I SS S University of Sao Paulo
B B I S Piracicaba - SP Brasil
B B I SSS Raflruiz@tuvira.ciagri.usp.br B B I SSS
BBBBBB I S CCCCC U U I TTTTTTT B B I S C U U I T
B B I SS C U U I T
B B I SS C U U I T
B B I S S C U U I T
BBBBBB III SSSS CCCCC UUUUU I T

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 15:14 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA14091; Wed, 17 Nov 93 15:14:55 +0100
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Reply-To: Marianne_Fafard@NIHCOD5.bitnet
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From: Marianne_Fafard@NIHCOD5.bitnet
Subject: kids say the darndest things - PG
Comments: cc: marianne@NIHCOD5.BITNET
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

|Date: 11-17-93 9:02am
|From: Marianne Fafard:NCIOD5:NIH
| To: ¤humor@uga‡:bitnet
| cc: marianne
|Subj: kids say the darndest things - PG
------------------------------------------------------------------ When I was in college, a friend of mine returned home from running errands with this classic. Here goes:

A woman and her young son were standing in line at the bank waiting for the next available teller. The little boy was becoming very irritable and his mother was trying to calm him down. Without much luck, she said in a fairly loud voice, "If you don't settle down right now I will pull your pants down in front of the whole bank and spank your butt!!!"
With that the little boy announced, "If you spank my butt, I'll tell the whole bank that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee."


They left immediately...

C YA!
Marianne

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 21:56 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA19462; Wed, 17 Nov 93 21:56:20 +0100
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Reply-To: MSHOCKLE@DREW.bitnet
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From: Mike Shockley
Subject: Supermarket/dog incident
Comments: To: humor@uga.bitnet
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Sorry for the 2nd post, but anyway.....

I work in the office at a local supermarket and frequently people will tell us that a car has left the lights on. We get a description and license plate number and announce the unfortunate incident over the loudspeaker.
Well, last night, as I was walking across the front end by the registers, I hear someone ask, "Is that your dog?". What! A dog in the store!! I turn around and sure enough, this beautiful and LARGE Irish Setter is frolicing and running around and through the
registers. I immediately apprehend the culprit and place him in the lobby. Upon my return to the store, I made the following
announcement:
"Attention shoppers. The owner of a red Irish Setter, license plate B-O-W.W-O-W, your dog is loose. Please come and secure this animal. Thank you!!"
It recieved quite a bit of laughter, not to mention a quick from the owner!!





****************************************************************************** * Mike Shockley * * A friendly, unarmed, mailperson for Drew University * * MSHOCKLE@DREW.DREW.EDU * * "It's not the pace of life I mind; * * it's the sudden stop at the end!"----Hobbes * ******************************************************************************
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 18:58 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA19221; Wed, 17 Nov 93 18:58:07 +0100
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Reply-To: Trevor Stynes
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Trevor Stynes
Subject: Maybe offensive...but funny.
Comments: To: "HUMOR@UGA.BITNET"
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Hi there folks....

I have a few jokes for you but I will start off with this one.
It may be considered racist but it's just a joke so nobody take it seriously don't anybody flame me.

These two Black guys are walking down the street. Now these two guys are really good friends, they've been buddies for a long long time. They practically grew up together and are really close. So anyways, they're walking down a street in the city when they come across a shop window that has a sign hanging in it. The sign says "You can become White in just 5 minutes for only $5, This week only". The two black guys quickly search their pockets to see if they have any money.

One of tem has $10 and the other has no money at all. The guy with no money says to his friend, "Hay man, loan me 5 bucks, I gotta try that shit out, I wanna be White, can you loan me 5 bucks". The other guy says "sure thang brutha, I got 10 bucks, I'll loan you 5, let me try it out first and if I look cool, then I'll loan you the money". So the other guy agrees to this and te first guy goes in with his $10.

5 minutes later he cokes walking back out and he's completely white. His friend says "Yo brutha, that's good shit, I gotta try it out, can you loan me the 5 bucks", the other guy replies "Fuck off, nigger".
More later guys and gals.
It's good to be back. I missed y'all.
Keep smilin'....
Trev.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 22:44 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA19494; Wed, 17 Nov 93 22:44:07 +0100
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Reply-To: "Wall, David K."
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From: "Wall, David K."
Subject: Neat trick -- from the now-defunct NUTS list (I think) Comments: To: Humor List
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

[Actually, I don't remember where I got it, but I didn't create it. -David]


You might think In fact, An Really, this it's difficult, the size odd whole idea or that there's you pick idea is a bit magic involved, for your I had silly, but actually it lines is was to even turns out to be not very write a if incredibly easy crucial; sentence it to make all the they can such that gets lines the exact be short the length people same length, as or long. of each one to think anybody can see It turns of the lines you have a after trying to out that is just a bit rare talent. do it one time. the long different from
And all without ones are the length of
using a hyphen! easiest. the one that
came before
it, as you
see here;
however,
I can't
really
say a
lot,
can
I?

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 18 00:28 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA19604; Thu, 18 Nov 93 00:28:37 +0100
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Reply-To: Jim Howell
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Jim Howell
Subject: Re: Kids do say the darndest things!!!
Comments: To: CC931CC , humor@uga.BITNET To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
In-Reply-To: Your message of Wed, 17 Nov 1993 16:11:13 CST
Status: RO

About twenty years ago, when my goddaughter was about 3 years old, she had gotten into a bad habit of sassing her mother. Whenever Carolyn would do something Katie didn't like, she'd say to her mother "I don't like you". So in order to nip it in the bud, Carolyn began popping Katie lightly on the mouth whenever she talked back so blatantly to her. This seemed to cure the problem, and for a bout a week everything worked out just fine. Then came the fateful weekend when guests came for dinner. They were all seated around the table, and Carolyn served Katie some peas. Katie didn't like peas, and before she'd thought, she responded "I don't like you". but she immediately recognized her mistake, and said in a half panic, "Oh, mamma, I didn't mean that, I meant to say goddammit."
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 18 09:06 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA21061; Thu, 18 Nov 93 09:06:31 +0100
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Reply-To: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was
Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.3 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 4 May 88 Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

----------------------------------------------------

Seen on a sign on the back of an 18-wheeler on the freeway today: "This truck is operated by a professional. His driving kills are on displa y.
If you have comments, please call (800) XXX-XXXX."
The (unintentional or otherwise!) omission of the "s" before "kills" sure changes the meaning!

If you think the 80286 is brain damaged, you ought to check out the Colorado State Legislature

----------------------------------------------------

My favorites include the operator trying desparately to get the mainframe back up. Trouble line rings every 30 seconds with stupid students asking why the computer doesn't answer. Finally:
Student: "Is the computer down?"
Operator: "NO! It knows it's you, and it doesn't like YOU!"

----------------------------------------------------

When I was doing software support for a bunch of 11/70's........ Computer Operator as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"
Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk...."
The operator believed it.

----------------------------------------------------

[This one is familiar!]

S: Hello, IBM hotline, may I help you?
C: Yes. I'm sys-genning my system.
S: Go ahead.
C: Well, I'm on page [whatever] and the instructions say to "insert diskette" number 8. I'm having problems inserting the diskette.
S: Please describe what's happened thus far...
C: Uh, well I managed to get the other seven in successfully, but I don't think you left enough room for the eighth...

----------------------------------------------------

I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk:

Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?"
HD: "Data Entry."

Caller: "Thank you!"

----

Overheard in a student computer lab:

Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN.' What do I do??"

Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN."

Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!"

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 18 18:30 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA09505; Thu, 18 Nov 93 18:30:38 +0100
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Reply-To: "Wall, David K."
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Wall, David K."
Subject: Batteries (PG, maybe R)
Comments: To: Humor List
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store. "If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 18 18:40 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA09539; Thu, 18 Nov 93 18:39:58 +0100
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Reply-To: Marc Scott Johansen
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From: Marc Scott Johansen
Subject: Dumb Blonde Jokes (offending to dumb blondes) Part 1 Comments: To: HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Hi there !

The other day I found this collection of Dumb Blonde jokes that I just had to share with others. The only one problem is that it is huge. About 11K. Because of the size I will only post a small selection of these jokes every time. In case anybody wants to see the full version selection of these jokes, give me a posting and I will send it to you.


Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yeah yeah yeah...

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair
brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicapped zone.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side)
I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.





Another thought from:

Scotty

INTERNET: Marc_Scott_Johansen@GTECH.COM

In case my boss is seing this posting. I did not use the company-mail to post this......NOT.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 18 20:07 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA09823; Thu, 18 Nov 93 20:07:42 +0100
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Reply-To: ALL2@PSUADMIN.bitnet
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From: ALL2@PSUADMIN.bitnet
Subject: Safe Fax - Sexual overtones
Comments: To: humor@uga.bitnet
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Status: RO

GUIDE TO SAFE FAX

Q. How well should I know the person to ensure safe fax?
A. It generally helps to know the person you are faxing, especially if you want meaningful fax, but there are many people who safely fax complete strangers every day.

Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, but you should not allow faxing yourself to interfere with faxing others.

Q. I fax numberous times each day. Is this normal? (My friends say I fax too much.)
A. Yes, it is normal, but be careful to allow enough time for other activities such as eating and sleeping. And about your friends: they're probably just jealous.

Q. There is a place down the street where you can go to pay for fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a professional when their need to fax becomes great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the person you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up? A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

Q. Is it ethical to fax your co-workers?
A. Yes, it is OK between consenting adults, but be certain that you are not engaging in faxual harrassment or else you may lose your job, or worse, end up in jail.

Q. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax? A. Faxing can be performed at any age, as long as the person knows which switches to flip, which buttons to push and what is inserted where.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely? A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won't mind if you try again.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 18 22:40 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA09981; Thu, 18 Nov 93 22:40:36 +0100
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Reply-To: Joel O'Connor
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Joel O'Connor
Subject: Re: rated PG 13, and more
Comments: To: humor@uga.bitnet
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
In-Reply-To: In reply to your message of THU 18 NOV 1993 01:26:58 EST Status: RO

> There was this irish priest and an English priest. They exercised daily. > the Irish priest would ride his bicycle and the English priest would walk. > They passed each other every day and would greet each other.
>
> Well, one day the Irish priest is walking and the English priest says, > "Where is your bike". He replies,"It was stolen." The English priest > says; "That happened to me one time and what I did was: on Sunday I did a > sermon on the ten commandments and when I got to Thou shalt not Steal, I > really emphasized it. I raised my voice and my hands shouting how this > should not be done. The next day I had my belongings back." "Good idea," > says the Irish priest,"I think I will do that."
>
> A couple of weeks later the two priests pass each other and the Irish > priest is on his bike again. The English priest asks if he used his idea. > The Irish priest says;"Yes, I started on the ten commandments and like > you said when I would get up to thou shalt not steal I was really going to > emphasize it." The English priest says,"Yeah and..." The Irish priest > says," Well once I got to thou shalt not commit adultry, I remembered > where I left it."
>
> Hope you like it.
>
YES I DID!!! This is the kind of Catholic humor I enjoy!!!

Here's another:

There once was an elderly Jewish couple. Their son was well past the age where he should decide on a profession. The parents had agonized over this for months, and they could only see their son doing one of two things, he could become a drunkard, or he could be a banker.
It wasn't long before they decided to test that theory. They left a stack of money and a bottle of wine on the kitchen table one day. The idea was that, if he took the money, he'd be a banker, if he took the wine, he'd be a drunkard. The parents hid in the closet and waited for a result.

Sure enough, the son came down from his room and took both the money and the wine. The mother immediately fainted. When the father finally brought her back to consciousness, he asked her what was wrong. She wheezed and sputtered,"H..he..he's gonna be a Catholic Priest."
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Nov 19 17:19 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA13132; Fri, 19 Nov 93 17:19:01 +0100
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Reply-To: Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.bitnet
Subject: Older Parents (Clean)
Comments: To: HUMOR@UGA.BITNet
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

There was once a couple in their seventies who, nevertheless, had a baby. Of course the newspaper sent out a reporter to take and picture and write a story about this unusual event, but when he arrived the couple told him that he would have to wait until the baby woke up before taking the picture.
Meanwhile the local radio station sent out a crew to get a story of the baby and his elderly parents. They, too, were told that they would have to wait until the baby woke up before they could see the baby.
The news of this miraculuous event had, meanwhile, spread far and wide, and CNN news sent a crew to get a story and take pictures of the baby and his parents. This crew, also, was told that they would have to wait for the baby to wake up before they could take pictures.
Then one of the group asked why they would have to wait; surely they could see and take pictures of the baby even if he were asleed. Well, the parents said, you will have to wait until the baby wakes up and cries, because we have forgotten where we put him.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 22 08:00 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA00195; Mon, 22 Nov 93 08:00:18 +0100
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Reply-To: Wally Veale
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From: Wally Veale
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Buddy Hacket joke, Rated R:

This guy goes into his local pharmacy with a crisis - he has a hard-on that won't go away. He's had it for days and it's becomming quite painful. He walks up to the lady standing behind the counter.

"May I speak with your pharmacist?"

Lady: "I am the pharmacist."

Guy (embarrassed): "YOU're the pharmacist?"

Lady: "Yes, I am. Can I help you?"

Guy: "Do you have a man pharmacist?"

Lady: "No, there's only me and my sister here. We're both pharmacists and co-owners of this establishment."

Guy: "I was hoping for a male pharmacist."

Lady: "I'm sorry, we don't have one. But I am a reputable and
creditable pharmacist and I would like for you to be able to tell me anything you would tell a male pharmacist."

The guy reluctantly opens his overcoat, shows the pharmacist his raging hard-on, and asks, "What can you give me for this?"
Lady camly states: "One moment while I converse with my sister."
After a few moments, she returns and says, "We'll give you $500 cash and a partnership in our business."

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 22 08:00 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA00222; Mon, 22 Nov 93 08:00:33 +0100
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Reply-To: Berton Corson <0005280397@MCIMAIL.COM>
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Berton Corson <0005280397@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Thanksgiving Suggestion
Comments: To: Thanksgiving Suggestion
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Thanksgiving suggestion for 1993 from a turkey's point of view...
______________
| | __
| Hey, | __/@ \ __---__ |^|^>
| Next time, |<<< /___ \ / \ |^|^/^/^>
| try a Ham! | J \ \ / __---_ \| /^/^/^>
|______________| \ \/ -' > `> / / /^> \ > > ~ ' '~_> \___ \ __ > > __ ~ ~___> \ \_ __> / ---_____>
\ /
--\ /--'
\ /
__||_
<__ _>
<_/


Berton M Corson
5280397@mcimail.com
Northridge, California USA

"Would you like light or dark meat?"

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 22 19:41 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA09321; Mon, 22 Nov 93 19:41:54 +0100
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Reply-To: RUMMELH@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Laundry
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up woman?

Because a woman who can't afford even a washing machine will never be able to support you.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 02:12 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA09769; Tue, 23 Nov 93 02:12:54 +0100
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Reply-To: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was
Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.4 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Jun 88 Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

>From Herb Caen's column ...
A single lane bridge in Marin County has a sign which reads:
Unsafe to cross bridge when water covers this sign.

Two bums were seated on a park bench stealing food from the pigeons. "Say," said one. "If you suddenly found a million bucks would you lend me one hundred?"
"That depends," said the second. "What security you got?"

----------------------------------------------------

This is the conversation that will take place many years from now when the crew of Starship Enterprise returns to earth and discovers your newly acquired ti computer.

"Can you operate it, Spock?"
"Well, Jim, this computer was designed and constructed 300 million years ago by a totally alien race of methane-breathing, squidlike beings who built it using technologies unknown to us and used it for purposes we cannot conceive of and then mysteriously vanished leaving no shred of documentation as to its operation. It may
take a few moments."

----------------------------------------------------

For the interested (and the record) these are mainly taken from THE LITTLE BROWN BOOK OF ANECDOTES, edited by Clifton Fadiman.

In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion, asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor. Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge. When he say that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant, who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50, thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate plaintiff.
Shortly after John F. Kennedy blocked the hike in steel prices in 1961, he was visited by a businessman who expressed wariness about the national economy. "Things look great," said JFK. "Why, if I wasn't president, I'd be buying stocks myself."
"If you weren't president," said the businessman, "so would I."
----------------------------------------------------

(from a list in the consultant office on the bboard)

User calls stating that monitor has just gone blank, and is
told by consultant to check behind the machine to make sure the monitor cable hasn't come loose. "I can't see anything back there. We just had a power failure and it's too dark to see anything in my office."
----------------------------------------------------

A long time ago UNIVAC (now UNISYS) had a mainframe computer called an 1106. They used rotating drum memory. For those of you not familiar with drums, they are massive rotating cylinders. They also tend to possess a great deal of rotational inertia.

Anyway, a UNIVAC customer engineer told me that they tried to install these machines in naval vessels, rotating drum and all. The story goes that everything was fine until the ship executed a hard turn to port. The drum, resisting this course alteration, merrily broke loose from its mountings and crashed through the side of the ship. WHOA BOY!
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 03:27 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA09843; Tue, 23 Nov 93 03:27:20 +0100
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Reply-To: HUE@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: A University of Alabama joke & a golf joke To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Do you know why Mercedes-Benz is building its new automobile manufacturing plant so close to the University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa?

Because of the over-abundance of crash test dummies.

---

The day after her husband's death, the widow met with the funeral director. "What would you like to say in the obiturary?"
"Tollman died," she replied.
"That's much too short. You should have at least five words."
"All right, how about Tollman died. Golf clubs for sale."


An Egyptian professor who was teaching accounting at an American university was taken for the first time to play golf by a member of the university golf team. The professor asked, "What do I do?"
"You hit the ball toward the flag on the green."
The professor teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped an inch from the hole. "What now?"
"You're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
"Oh, great! NOW you tell me!"

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 07:17 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA10436; Tue, 23 Nov 93 07:17:27 +0100
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Reply-To: MUHLHAU_@BENTLEY.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was MUHLHAU_ANDR@BENTLEY From: MUHLHAU_@BENTLEY.bitnet
Subject: generic; vulgar; damn funny
Comments: To: humor@uga.bitnet
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

3 guys go to a job interview. The man that's giving the job interview doesn't have any ears. The first guy goes into the office for his interview. The man says to him, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about me." So the guy says, "You got no fuckin' ears!!" "Get out!!" screams the interviewer.
So, the next guy gets up and goes in for the interview. The interviewer says to the guy, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about me." The guy says, "You got no fuckin' ears!!" "Get out!!!" screams the interviewer again.
Then the third guy gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't have any ears and he's kind of touchy about it." "Thanks for the tip" says the third guy.
So he goes in for the interview and agin the man says, "The job that you are applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about me." So the guy stares at him for a while and finally he says, "You where contact lenses."
The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?" So the guy says, "Well, you couldn't wear
glasses.........You got not fuckin' ears!!!!"

From LABBEY@GITVM1.GATECH.EDU Wed Nov 24 09:10 MET 1993
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Date: Sun, 21 Nov 93 00:33:15 EST
From: LABBEY@GITVM1.GATECH.EDU
Subject: Re: Klepesta's chronograph
To: Jan Kucera
In-Reply-To: Your message of Fri, 19 Nov 93 13:07:00 MET
Status: RO

Well, maybe his chronometer was on his wrist.

Lenny, and his buddy:



-, /|
O.O
=(___)=
U

Quincy


P.S. Are there Czech cats?

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 18:04 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA03927; Tue, 23 Nov 93 18:04:14 +0100
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Reply-To: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642" Subject: Bean Joke
Comments: To: HUMOR%UGA.BITNET@JHUVM.HCF.JHU.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Hi guys. It has been awhile since I've posted. My humor hasn't been too great since the passing of my father on November 1, but things are getting better.
There was this guy that loved beans, but, they had an adverse affect on him. They caused large, smelly, gas attacks.

This guy would eat beans day and night and his house always smelled like a pig farm. Well, one day, as luck would have it, her met the girl of his dreams and swore off beans to save her from the reaction. They married and his life was great.

One day, his birthday to be exact, he decided to treat himself to beans again. It had been many years and he felt he owed it to himself. On the way home from work, he hit a local restaurant that had a special on pork n' beans and filled up.

Driving home, the urge hit him. He lifted his leg and let a whopper go. Well, this happened many times and the car developed an offensive oder. By the time he got home, he thought the attack was done.

On entering the door, his wife put a blindfold on him and told him that she had a surprise for him. She led hiom to the dining room and seated him. She then told him that she would return in a moment to reveal the surprise and then departed the room.

While sitting there, the urge struck again. He raised up on his right cheek and let a blast go. Please with the relief, he smiled. The urge struck once more. This time he raised on his left cheek and let go another blast. Pleased again, he smiled. The urge struck once more and this time, just to be different, he raised off the chair in a squat and fired off the third toot. This, again, was pleasing to him.

His wife returned a few moments after the third blast and removed the blindfold. Around the table were seated all the man's best friends.
From @UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU:owner-hpmini-l@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU Tue Nov 23 19:36 MET 1993 Received: from uafsysb.uark.edu by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA04537; Tue, 23 Nov 93 19:35:51 +0100
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23 Nov 1993 12:14:27 -0600
Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 13:11:00 EST
Reply-To: Hewlett-Packard 9000 Series MiniComputer Discussion

Sender: Hewlett-Packard 9000 Series MiniComputer Discussion

From: Dan Gray
Subject: Re: How to remove /dev/dsk/flp
Comments: To: HPMINI-L@uafsysb.uark.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HPMINI-L In-Reply-To: <9311231036.AB08925@opus.starlab.csc.com>; from "Steve Fosdick" at Nov 23, 93 10:37 am
Status: RO

>
> >
> > I not infrequently type badly enough to get nonprinting characters into a > > filename. The usual method I have for getting rid of them is to move every- > > thing that might get zapped into a temporary directory, remove the offending > > file or directory with a wildcard rm (or rm -r), and then move everything > > back. I don't know if this solution would work for your problem. > >
> Using ls -b it is possible to develop a wildcard pattern to match > the offending file by putting a question mark wherever the
> non-printing character appears in the filename. One can check that > the wildcard only matches the one file by using it with ls, and if > that shows only the file to deleted then use the same wildcard with > rm.
>
> --
> Steve Fosdick
>
> E-mail: stevef@aom.bt.co.uk Post: Room 210, B67, BT Labs, > WEB: FOSDICK S J Martlesham Heath, > Tel: +44 473 642987 IPSWICH IP5 7RE > Fax: +44 473 644607 England
>

Another method is to redirect the directory listing to a file. When you vi the file, you will see the hidden characters. Put an 'rm' in front of the offending file name, save the file and make it executable and run it.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 15:12 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA26865; Tue, 23 Nov 93 15:11:50 +0100
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Reply-To: butctp@ESSEX.AC.UK
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: The Man from Uncle
Subject: Hamburgers
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

What is the differnece between Sputnik and Russian hamburgers?

You can be sure there was a dog in Sputnik.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 22:54 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA04910; Tue, 23 Nov 93 22:54:16 +0100
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Reply-To: SCHROYE@HSDWL.UTC.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Dale Schroyer
Subject: ERROR MESSAGES
Comments: To: HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

MY FAVORTIES ARE SOME VAX VMS ERROR MESSAGES. WHEN INSTALLING NEW SOFTWARE YOU USE A PROGRAM CALLED VMSINSTAL. WHEN THE PROGRAM GETS TO THE POINT WHERE IT IS READY TO MOVE THE SOFTWARE FILES TO YOUR HARD DRIVE THE PROGRAM GIVES YOU THIS: "VMS-I-COFFEEBREAK GO GET A CUP OF COFFEE, THIS WILL TAKE AWHILE."
I ALSO LIKE THE ALLIN1 MAIL MESSAGE THAT WHEN YOU SEND OUT ELECTRONIC MAIL ANNOUNCES: "ALLIN1-I-BONVOYAGE ROUTING YOUR MAIL MESSAGES."

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 21:43 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA04754; Tue, 23 Nov 93 21:43:39 +0100
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Reply-To: "Amy L. Ward"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Amy L. Ward"
Subject: engineers (clean)
Comments: To: Humor
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

*************************************************************************** * Amy L. Ward * * * Career Center * "I do not believe in an afterlife, * * The George Washington University * but I am bringing a change of * * cecalw@gwunix2.gwu.edu * underwear." -- Woody Allen * * othello@unix1.circ.gwu.edu * * ***************************************************************************
> Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing > about who might've designed the human body. The first one said, "It > must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers > and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that." > The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. > The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been > designed by an electrical engineer." Then the third one said, "No, it > was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line > through a recreational area?"
>
--
******************************************************************************* * Karen D. Ford * Let us live!! * * ford@lachman.com * Let us love!! * * * Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!! * * * * * 708-505-9555 x332 * You first. * *******************************************************************************
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 23:36 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA04967; Tue, 23 Nov 93 23:36:45 +0100
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Reply-To: Dennis Worrell
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Dennis Worrell
Subject: flatulence (not really offensicve)
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Speaking of flatulence....

An elderly lady was having trouble with intestinal gas, so she decided to see her doctor.

"Doctor", she said "this gas is drivin' me crazy. It doesn't smell, and it doesn't make any noise, but it's annoying just the same".

The doctor nods in understanding, then takes out his prescription pad, writes a prescription and hands it to the lady.

"But doctor" she protests, "aren't you even going to examine me?"
"That won't be necessary" he replies "just take this medication".
So the lady gets the prescription filled, and takes it for a few days, but notices that the gas attacks are as bad as ever, EXCEPT NOW they really SMELL BAD!

So she goes back to the doctor and explains the new problem. "Doctor", she says, "that medicine you gave me didn't help my gas at all. It's still so quiet you can't hear it, but it really STINKS now!"

The doctor nods, and reaches for his prescription pad again. Once again the lady protests "But doctor, don't you want to examine me?"

Once again, he reassures her that it's not necessary to examine her, and hands her a new prescription to be filled.

"Okay", she said reluctantly, taking the prescription from the doctor. "By the way, what are these medicines you're prescribing?"

"Well", he said, "the first one was for your SINUSES, and this one's for your HEARING!"


Oh well...


--

dworrell@freenet.tlh.fl.us (h) Dennis E. Worrell dew@sam.mail.ufl.edu (w) Post Office Box 7342 904/656-8782 (h) Tallahassee FL 32314-7342 904/488-0210 (w)

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 04:55 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA05188; Wed, 24 Nov 93 04:55:17 +0100
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Reply-To: "Genie logiciel I/Syst.inf.repartis" Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Genie logiciel I/Syst.inf.repartis" Subject: Re: a silly (G) rated joke
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

>
> Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
>

Because it would be quite hard to fly under it. :-)

Patrick Tousignant
sun156@ift.ulaval.ca

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 20:42 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA10285; Wed, 24 Nov 93 20:42:41 +0100
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Reply-To: APUCORLE@IDBSU.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From: Phil Corless
Subject: Squaws (PG)
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Q: What do you call two squaws holding hands?




A: Lesbiandians.

+========================+=====================================+ | Phil Corless | Bitnet: APUCORLE@IDBSU | | Boise State University | Internet: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU | +========================+=====================================+ | If you can do something about it, why worry? | | If you can't do something about it, why worry? | | - Old Indian Proverb | +==============================================================+ | 18 months 'til G-Day! | +==============================================================+
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 20:55 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA10306; Wed, 24 Nov 93 20:55:34 +0100
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Reply-To: "Genie logiciel I/Syst.inf.repartis" Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Genie logiciel I/Syst.inf.repartis" Subject: More funny error message
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Hi everybody,

After posting the initial message about the funniest error message a friend of mine told me that he once got this error:

TOO BAD ERROR

Patrick Tousignant
sun156@ift.ulaval.ca

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 22:06 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA10404; Wed, 24 Nov 93 22:06:17 +0100
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Reply-To: "Ryan J. McMillen"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Ryan J. McMillen"
Subject: BEST JOKE EVER
Comments: To: HUMOR%UGA.BITNET@BROWNVM.brown.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Q. Who lives in the abandoned convent?



A. None.


Donations for this joke will be accepted. I expect this joke will revolutionize humor as we know it. In a few months I'm coming out with a line of children's toys with an abandoned convent theme. A Saturday morning cartoon is in the works. Enjoy the joke, but use it quickly before it becomes cliche. Thank you and good night. There is also a coffee table book full of color photographs of the abandoned convent where I made this joke up. The convent is in Middletown, CT, so if any of you have been there, you'll know what I mean. Peace.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 22:12 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA10412; Wed, 24 Nov 93 22:12:45 +0100
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Reply-To: King Rhoton
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: King Rhoton
Subject: Re: Funniest error message
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Novell favorite:

During a Netware 3.11 install, two dialogs on screen simultaneously (and neither message clearly on top):
"Press to abort" and "Press to continue"

Co-worker: "What'cha gonna do?"
I: "I imagine I'm going to hit ...."


King Rhoton king@acpub.duke.edu
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 23:28 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA10554; Wed, 24 Nov 93 23:27:59 +0100
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Reply-To: Fran D'Amico
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Fran D'Amico
Subject: Aging (may offnd)
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

This couple was getting ready to go to bed and when the husband came in from the bathroom his wife was rubbing this cream all over her tits. He said "what the hell are you doing". She said she was unhappy about the size of her breasts and this cream was supposed to make them larger. "But it really doesn't seem to be working" she said. The husband said "wait a minute I have an idea". So he went into the bathroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper and started rubbing it all over her tits. She said "what are you doing"? He said "well, I figured you have been wiping your ass with this for years and look how big it has gotten"!

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 25 03:04 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA10817; Thu, 25 Nov 93 03:04:28 +0100
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Reply-To: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was
Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.4 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Jun 88 Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Sorry to change the subject a little, but this priceless
little anecdote occurred while I was working for a hardware
store while in college.

I'm standing behind the counter, wearing my little scratchy
polyester uniform shirt, and this big huge guy walks up to
me carrying two rolls of shelf paper and says "Is this going
to be enough to cover my shelves?"

I stare at him for a moment, and then say "Well, that depends
how long your shelves are." Silence. "How long are your shelves?"
"Oh," he says, "Three feet each."

Silence.

"Ok," I say, "How many shelves do you have?"

"Four per cabinet."

Again silence.

"Allright, I'll bite," I say in raw disbelief, "How many cabinets, indeed, do you have?" (I fully expected to hear "Three per room.")
"Two."

"Fine, so it sounds like you have two cabinets with four shelves each that are three feet long."

"Yeah?"

"So that sounds to me like 2 * 4 * 3."

"Yeah?"

"That's 24."

"Yeah?"

"Those rolls are ten feet each."

"Yeah?"

This time, _I_ went silent.

Long pause..................

Then, with a look of pure enlightenment generally displayed
only by Zen masters: "I think I better get another roll."

"There is a God." I thought.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 25 02:14 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA10784; Thu, 25 Nov 93 02:14:30 +0100
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Reply-To: "Musat, Bob" <@IBM4381.ONET.EDU:bmusat@oscs>
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Musat, Bob" <@IBM4381.ONET.EDU:bmusat@oscs>
Subject: The Mulla Kyle gives a lesson in modern technology [G] Comments: To: humour list
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

This series of stories does not presume to be anything remotely resembling an allusion to the fact that my son, Kyle, might be as sage as the Mulla Nasrudin, yet i think these are tales which need to be told. If you should ever happen to meet him, please tell him that you know of him through the writings of his early-lifetime experiences. - oxo

The Mulla brings his powers of observation to bear on a lawyer

I have had a computer at home since before the Mulla was born. He had seen me operate my disk drive, but I never actually let him touch it.
When he was all of about 20 months, I was terminated from a job for medical absences, which is illegal in Ohio. Seeking the services and advice of a lawyer, I took the Mulla Kyle with me to the meeting because I had no other choice for childcare.

He was still in his fuzzy jammies (the kind with the feet in them) because we had gotten up much too early for him, and I let him sleep in the car on the way. Now, however, we were in the lawyer's SMALL office and he was awake, just a tad cranky, and fidgety. (Sounds like a law firm unto itself, doesn't it? 'Awake, Cranky and Fidgety')

I was trying to get him to sit in the chair next to mine in the lawyer's office. The lawyer wanted to appear magnanimous, I'm sure, and said, "Oh, that's OK. He can wander around." I figured that as long as the door was shut and the lawyer didn't mind, it was fine with me, too.

As we two adults were chatting back and forth about legal matters, Kyle toddled around behind the lawyer's desk, eyeing the man's IBM PC. As I watched out of the corner of my eye, Kyle unlocked the disk drive of the computer, pulled out the boot disk and began looking it over.

Hearing the loud 'CLICK!', the lawyer spun around in his chair and cried out: "Oh, no! We just GOT these things, and I don't even know how to USE it, yet!" Calmly, and with great confidence I merely said, "Kyle, please put the disk back in the disk drive." Without so much as a second thought, Kyle correctly slipped the disk in the drive and relocked it.

I must admit, though, since then, Kyle has been the death of my drive at home! :)

be seeing you,

oxo

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 25 10:36 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA15277; Thu, 25 Nov 93 10:35:58 +0100
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Reply-To: Turkiye-Internet Tartisma Listesi INET-TR Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was AKGUL@TRBILUN Comments: Resent-From: Atilla OZERDIM
Comments: Originally-From: Mustafa Akgul From: Atilla OZERDIM
Subject: ABC of UNIX
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Hi,

Here is something that UNIX lovers might like.

Enjoy,

Atilla Ozerdim

----------------------------Original message----------------------------

THE ABC'S OF UNIX

A is for Awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for Biff, which reads all your mail.

C is for CC, as hackers recall, while
D is for DD, the command that does all.

E is for Emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for Fsck, which rebuilds your trees.

G is for Grep, a clever detective, while
H is for Halt, which may seem defective.

I is for Indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for Join, which nobody uses.

K is for Kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for Lex, which is missing from DOS.

M is for More, from which Less was begot, and
N is for Nice, which it really is not.

O is for Od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for Passwd, which reads in strings twice.

Q is for Quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for Ranlib, for sorting ar [sic] table.

S is for Spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for True, which does very little.

U is for Uniq, which is used after Sort, and
V is for Vi, which is hard to abort.

W is for Whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.

Y is for Yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for Zcat, which handles compression.


------------ Forwarded Message ends here ------------


...- ...- ...- .-- -... -.... .- - .--- -..-. .-- ...-
Andre' V. Thomas andre@boombox.micro.umn.edu
Computer & Information Services (612) 625 - 1300
University of Minnesota

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 25 14:00 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA20305; Thu, 25 Nov 93 14:00:11 +0100
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Reply-To: U.B.R.ICIM@REA2101.WINS.ICL.CO.UK
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Prasanna Bhalerao
Subject: EEL (Very offensive and sex explicit)
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

HOW TO KILL AN EEL

A young lad once asked his mom what courtship/romance and all that fuss was all
about. The flustered mom not able to give a straight answer asked the eight-year
old to hide behind the curtain and watch his elder sister and her boyfriend while they courted. So this is what the young and innocent reported back next morning.

"Mom, I just hid behind the curtain as you told me to. After some time sis and her boyfriend arrived. They sat down on the sofa and kept talking and giggling for some time. Afterwards they started to hug and kiss each other. But all this
activity made sis a bit sick I think, for she was feeling short of breath and said that she was quite hot. I think her boyfriend was alarmed and immediately tried to feel her heart. He was quite an amateur doctor as he couldn't locate her heart for quite some time. I know this because our doctor has no trouble at
all. Anyway his hands were all over her chest."

"He made her sleep on the sofa and was on top of her. But instead of feeling her
pulse and heartbeat, he put his head deep into sis's chest. I could not see what
he was doing but he was making a lot of gobbling sounds. Sis was not feeling any
better was squirming around. Her moans and panting became louder too. By this time her boyfriend became quite agitated too and soon I found out why. An eel had somehow got into his pants and was troubling him. He opened his fly and out
tumbled the eel. It was at least ten inches long, honest mommy!"
"Sis too, was terrified to see the eel for her eyes opened wide and said that it
was the biggest she had seen. I think her sickness made her a bit paranoid because I know eels much bigger down the river side. I think I shall take her to
see those one day."

"Sis decided to kill the eel by biting its head off. But the eel gave her a good
fight. I think the eel bit her tongue because with a sqeek sis jumped off. But I
think sis won in the end as the eel became a bit limp. Both sis and her boyfriend were quite tired after the fight and sis now lay exhausted into her boyfriend's arms. But soon the boyfriend started to cuddle her all over and sis
started to feel sick again. And lo! The eel was not dead after all! It jumped back to life again"

"This time sis's boyfriend put a skin around it to prevent it from biting. Sis decided to strangle it by getting a scissor lock around it with her thighs. Her
boy friend lay down this time and sis got the eel between her thighs. She started to crush it by going up and down on the eel. After a good thirty minute
battle I think she managed to kill it. I know because the eel became very wobbly
and limp now. Her boyfriend removed its skin and pushed the eel back into his trousers. After a while he kissed sis goodbye and left"

"So mom, now I know how to kill an eel but then still what is romance all about?"

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 29 08:39 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA04715; Mon, 29 Nov 93 08:39:08 +0100
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Reply-To: HUE@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Going fishing with the Pope
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentially dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the watr to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat.
The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope.

"It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 29 08:58 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA04879; Mon, 29 Nov 93 08:58:15 +0100
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Reply-To: Ian Chai
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From: Ian Chai
Subject: Various things and communism
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---------------------------------------------------------------------- Just before Custer went into Montana he stopped in Bismarck. He told the people, "Don't do anything until I get back." They haven't. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Quoted from Sacramento Bee:

Yakov Smirnoff on his communication with friends who came to America before him:

"Before they left, we worked out a code that they would say the opposite of what they meant in their letters," Smirnoff recalled. "When they wrote that 'the streets are filthy and the people are rude' we thought that they meant the people were friendly and the streets were clean. Since they live in Cleveland, we later learned they had forgotten the code."
---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between "Democracy" and "People's Democracy?" Same as between a jacket and a strait-jacket!

What is the most beautiful thing in the world?
Communism - without the road that leads there.

What is the definition of a Communist?
Someone who has read the works of Marx and Lenin.
What is the definition of an anti-Communist?
Someone who understands the works of Marx and Lenin.

A world-famous Russian athlete defected to the US during a good-will tour. He was asked why the Russians excelled in running. The athlete answered:

"We use the border for the finish line."

A teacher asks his students in a Budapest school:
"Why do we love the Soviet Union?"
"Because," says a student, "it has liberated us!"
"And why do we hate America?"
"Because it has not!"

Why is the communist system superior to any other system?
Because it is able to cope with problems that do not exist in any other system.

Why don't Russian workers oppose communism?
Beats working!

What are four things wrong with Soviet agriculture?
Spring, summer, fall and winter.

Soviet fast-food is vodka by the gulp.

Did you hear about the Russian Chinese restaurant? The food is terrific but an hour after eating you are hungry for power.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- A young member of the German communist party went to his senior comrade with a strange request: he wanted permission from the Party to emigrate to West Germany. (It is only with the permission of the Party that people are allowed to leave East Germany. Often it is ``granted'' as a method of eliminating people with inappropriate attitudes.) ``For what reasons could you possibly want to leave the Socialist paradise, young comrade?'' ``Well, sir, I have a main reason, and a kind of side reason. The side reason is this: I know our Party has established a paradise here in the Democratic Republic, but the reason I want to leave is that I am very afraid that is will not last.'' ``Don't worry, son! It will last for ever.'' ``Well, good, sir: but that brings me to my main reason....''
---------------------------------------------------------------------- "WILL THE LAST PERSON LEAVING EAST GERMANY PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A: A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Deng Xiaoping tells Gorbachev that three demands must be met before relations can improve. First, China wants 100 million tons of coal. "Agreed," says Gorbachev. And 20 new ships. "Done," says Gorbachev. And a million bicycles. "Impossible," says Gorbachev. "But why?" asks Deng. "Because," says Gorbachev, "the Poles don't make bicycles." ----------------------------------------------------------------------
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 30 08:14 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA21811; Tue, 30 Nov 93 08:14:22 +0100
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Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.5 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Jun 88 17 Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

----------------------------------------------------

"Of course the US Constitution isn't perfect; but it's a lot better than what we have now."

Then there is always the sign that I saw upon arriving in LA two years ago. (hell of a road trip) The speed limit is posted as 55, but there is a sign telling you that you should slow down to 60 for the next curve.
OJ: how many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
----------------------------------------------------

I heard this on our local radio station this morning. It was about how Johnny Carson wrote his own monologue and busted through the picket lines to deliver it
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 30 21:05 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA14320; Tue, 30 Nov 93 21:05:54 +0100
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Reply-To: "Amy L. Ward"
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Subject: Christmas cheer
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*************************************************************************** * Amy L. Ward * * * Career Center * "My computer can beat me at chess, * * The George Washington University * but it's no match for me at * * cecalw@gwunix2.gwu.edu * kickboxing." -- Emo Phillips * * othello@unix1.circ.gwu.edu * * ***************************************************************************
>
> BEST RUM CAKE EVER
>
> 1 or 2 quarts of rum brown sugar
> 1 c butter 1 tsp soda
> nuts 1 tsp sugar
> lemon juice baking powder
> 2 large eggs 1 c dried fruit
>
> Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality (good, isn't it?) > Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. > Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is > of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and > drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
>
> With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. > Add one seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure > that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second > quart, if necessary. Add 2 large eggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. > If druit gets tuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. > Sample the rum again, check for tonscisticity. Next, sift 3 cups > pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which.) Sample the rum again. > Sift 1/2 pint lemon joice. Fold in chipped
> butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or > whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake > pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the oven and bake. > Check the rum again and go to bed.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 30 22:39 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA14680; Tue, 30 Nov 93 22:39:50 +0100
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From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.5 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Jun 88 17 Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

----------------------------------------------------

CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.

3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.

4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric
representation for the month of March.

5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.

6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.

7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 30 22:15 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA14573; Tue, 30 Nov 93 22:15:07 +0100
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Reply-To: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA"
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From: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA"
Subject: Francophobe (but absolutely true!)
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu@SNDZEH.dnet.sandoz.com
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Status: RO

A French infantryman turned to a Swiss mercenary in the Napoleanic war and exclaimed in disgust "You Swiss! You only fight for money. We French fight for honour!"

"Ah," replied the Swiss mercenary sadly. "We both fight for what we don't have."

Jeff fowler@sandoz.com (this is a favourite old joke around here)
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 30 21:43 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA14421; Tue, 30 Nov 93 21:43:00 +0100
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Reply-To: Mike Ellwood
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From: Mike Ellwood
Subject: exhibitionists? (suggestive)
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The following was reported at a meeting here:

"Oracle and Ingres presented their tools in the Colloquium."


...but that's ok; it was in private, and police aren't pressing charges :-)

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Dec 1 03:54 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA14982; Wed, 1 Dec 93 03:54:23 +0100
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Reply-To: Wendell E Gragg
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From: Wendell E Gragg
Subject: Oldest Profession
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Three men were sitting around a table discussing the oldest profession. The first, a doctor, claimed that the oldest profession was medicine because the Bible mentioned that God created eve by removing a rib from Adam. Since removal of a rib is a surgical procedure, and surgery is a branch of medicine, then medicine is the oldest profession.

Not to be outdone, the second man, and engineer, stated that before the creation of woman, the Bible states that God created the universe out of chaos and disorder. Since making order out of disorder can be an engineering function, then engineering must be the oldest profession.
The third man, a programmer, sat back in his chair with a smug look on his face and said, "Just where do you guys think the disorder came from?!?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few definitions:

Floating Control - The skill you must master when you need to go to the bathroom and can't leave the computer.

Floating Point - The absolute limit before floating control is lost.
Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the shortest route to the bathroom.
Hope you enjoy them,

Wendell E. Gragg
Modem to the Max

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Dec 1 15:49 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA24905; Wed, 1 Dec 93 15:49:52 +0100
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Reply-To: "G.BOCCANFUSO"
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From: "G.BOCCANFUSO"
Subject: Safe Hobbies
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Remember when sex was safe and mountain climbing dangerous.

George Boccanfuso

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Dec 1 19:00 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA26419; Wed, 1 Dec 93 19:00:40 +0100
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Reply-To: Lee Bradley
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From: Lee Bradley
Subject: none. 1 naughty word
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
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[French nuns are addressed as << soeur >>.

"Soeur" sounds a bit like "sir."]



A French nun was visiting England (hoping, I suppose, to visit the famous abandoned convent). Getting off the ferry, she approached the first Brit she saw and asked, "Pardon. Parlez-vous francais?" The Brit responded, "Yes, soeur."


What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun rolling down the hill in front of an abandoned convent.

A nun was in a NY taxi, coming from Kennedy Airport into the city, hoping, I suppose, to visit the famous abandoned convent. Her taxi driver ran into another cab, and the two drivers started bickering. "You, you think you're so hot, so important; you don't pay attention to where you're going. Just because you think you're a hot shot with that floozy of a nun as a passenger." --"Ha! This floozy of a nun says for you to cram it up your ass! . . . Ain't that right, sister?"


As the Mother Superior was making plans to close the convent that was to be abandoned, she called in all the girls of the convent school - one at a time - and inquired what their future career plans would be, hoping to find enough young ladies willing to take the veil so that the convent wouldn't have to be abandoned. "And, Margaret-Anne, what would YOU like to be?" "I'd like to be a prostitute." "WHAT?" screamed the Mother Superior, as the fainted. When two sisters put her back on her feet, one remarked, "I know that Margaret-Anne's plans to become a prostitute are enough to make anyone faint!" --"Oh," said the Mother Superior, "I thought she said PROTESTANT."


lbradley@grits.valdosta.peachnet.edu

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Dec 1 21:11 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA26669; Wed, 1 Dec 93 21:11:22 +0100
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Reply-To: U.B.R.ICIM@REA2101.WINS.ICL.CO.UK
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From: Prasanna Bhalerao
Subject: Missed targets!
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------------------------------ Start of body part 1








------------------------------ Start of body part 2

This is one of the old times.

------------
One day in India a great sage was performing his meditation under a mango tree. So powerful was he that his aura lit the entire surroundings. While he was deep in meditation a young urchin came nearby and happened to look at the tree which was full of ripe mangoes. His mouth watered at the sight but the mangoes were out of his reach. So he decided to bring some down with stones.

He picked up one stone, aimed and let go. But as he missed the target he swore out loud "Motherf'ker, missed!". Upon hearing such filthy words the sage was rudely awakened from his penance. He saw the urchin but said nothing and closed his eyes again. The urchin unaware of the sage picked another stone and hurled it. He missed again and again he swore "Motherf'ker, missed again!". This time the sage was angry and he warned the boy "Son, don't speak such language. It's not good". But the boy didn't pay any attention and went on with his activity. Having missed the target again he swore back "Motherf'ker, missed again!". The sage was outraged and he threatened "Hey boy! If you swear again I shall curse you and burn you to death!".

But the boy was not put off and tried again to bring down some mangoes but with no result. He swore yet again "Motherf'ker, missed again!". Now the sage decided that he had issued enough warnings and outraged he said "You young rascal, you pay no heed to the elders and what more you have a filthy mouth. You don't deserve to live so I am going to curse you!" With that he raised his staff to the heavens and uttered a terrible curse.

Suddenly there was a great disturbance in the clouds and it started lightening. A powerful bolt hurled itself down the earth and struck the sage dead. A big voice from the heavens said "Motherf'ker, missed again!". ---------------

Hope all of you liked this one.

Cheers,

Prasanna Bhalerao
u.b.r.icim@rea2101.wins.icl.co.uk

------------------------------ End of body part 2

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Dec 2 00:20 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA27034; Thu, 2 Dec 93 00:20:24 +0100
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Reply-To: Jason Cohen
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From: Jason Cohen
Subject: suprize ending...rated G, slightly racial
Comments: To: List serve address
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
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A little boy was learning about G-d in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and and said:

"God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white." To which the child responded,
"Well, then is God Micheal Jackson?"

| jcohen@wixer.bga.com |
| Austin, Tx, USA |
| ------ |
| Be Alert! The world |
| needs more lerts. |

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Dec 2 01:48 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA27106; Thu, 2 Dec 93 01:48:39 +0100
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Reply-To: Paul 'Bear' Crowson
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From: Paul 'Bear' Crowson
Subject: good! God/nun joke, not much abandoned convent
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

This man is having no luck whatsoever finding employment in New York City. He decides maybe he'll have better luck in Washington, DC. So he goes to Grand Central Station and with his remaining money, buys a one way ticket. As he's waiting, he suffers a heart attack. Three days later, he wakes up. He sees a nun standing at the end of the bed, her having just arrived from the abadoned convent.
She tells him that he was brought to a Catholic hospital,
where they operated on him and saved his life. She says that the hospital took the liberty of going through his belongings and, frankly, they were a bit worried as to whether he would be able to pay for the operation. He admits that this might be a problem. He explains how he is unemployed and had just spent his last
few dollars on a train ticket. The nun asks, as she was wont to do before the convent was abandoned, do you have any
well-to-do relatives that might be able to pay your hospital bills for you? He replies that his only living relative is his sister, an old spinster nun living in Philadelphia, who had lived at the convent before it was abandoned, before she moved to Philly.
The nun becomes furious.
She says, "Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids, they are married to GOD, especially the ones from the ABANDONED CONVENT!" Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law.

Paul Crowson -- In Moo-Moo-Moosouri

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Dec 2 11:49 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA04518; Thu, 2 Dec 93 11:49:30 +0100
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Reply-To: A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK
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From: Alun Richards
Subject: Abandoned convent stuff (clean)
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

------------------------------ Start of body part 1








------------------------------ Start of body part 2







Heard about the Mother Superior (in the abandoned convent) who threw Ajax all over the father? She was done for bleach of the priest.

An abbot (from the apocrophal abandoned convent) who was new to the town went downtown one night, to one of the seedier areas. A prostitute approached him and asked "Fancy a quickie, father? Only #15". This puzzled the abbot. As he walked the streets, more ladies of the night approached him in this way, all asking if he fancied a quickie for #15.

The next morning he visited the Mother Superior and asked:
"Mother Superior, what's a quickie?"

The reply came: "#15, just like in town."

------------------------------ End of body part 2

From snowhite@eskimo.com Fri Dec 3 03:28 MET 1993
Received: from eskimo.com by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA13145; Fri, 3 Dec 93 03:27:50 +0100
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id AA09939; Thu, 2 Dec 1993 18:27:42 -0800
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 18:25:20 -0800 (PST)
From: Linda White
Subject: seeking novelty items (fwd)
To: Jan Kucera
Message-Id:
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
Status: RO

Honza -
This just came in on one of my lists. I thought you might get a laugh out of it.
- L

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 17:18:57 -0600
Subject: seeking novelty items


Mental Floss.
Please don't squeeze the shaman.
At Exxon, we help Jesus walk on water...
God, protect me from your followers.
Warning: Due to a shortage of robots, workers here are human beings, and may react unpredictably if abused.
I wasn't created in your image of God.
Extinction is bad for business.
Question authority.
Question reality.




From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Dec 2 19:29 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA12322; Thu, 2 Dec 93 19:29:33 +0100
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Reply-To: RiffRaff
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: RiffRaff
Subject: Re: Life 3.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jun 88 To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
In-Reply-To: Message of 12/02/93 at 09:03:06 from HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Status: RO

:) The bats were always at the top of my list of favorite Pogo characters...

"I got four aces."
"I got five... all spades."

--Riff

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 3 04:58 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA13188; Fri, 3 Dec 93 04:58:47 +0100
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Reply-To: Ken Price
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Ken Price
Subject: Unabandoned convent, Sara Pippelini.
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Before the convent was abandoned....

Mother Superior wished to interview all the trainee nuns who had decided not to pursue the vocation. They lined up outside her office, and she called them in one by one.

M.S.: "Well my child, why are you leaving our convent?"
First Nun: "I wish to become a nurse like Florence Nightingale and help the sick and unwell"
M.S.: "A fine choice: go with my blessing"

M.S.: " And you, my child, why are you leaving us?"
Second Nun: "I wish to be a famous scientist like Marie Curie and discover new facts to help mankind"
M.S.: "A splendid career, my child. Go with my blessing"
M.S.: "And you, my child? Why do you wish to leave us?" Third Nun: "I wish to be a famous actress like Sara Pippelini" M.S.: " An actress, oh that is indeed a fine career. But Sara Pippelini? I don't believe I have heard of her"
Third Nun: "Oh Mother Superior, there is a story about her in todays newspaper"
The Mother Superior pulled the newspaper out of her desk and opened it. There on the front page was the headline:
"SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 400 MEN IN 14 DAYS"

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 3 14:02 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA17367; Fri, 3 Dec 93 14:02:15 +0100
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Reply-To: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642" Subject: May be offensive to mice and cats
Comments: To: HUMOR%UGA.BITNET@JHUVM.HCF.JHU.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Question: What does a 300 pound mouse say?

Answer: Here kitty, kitty!


Sorry, like George Carlin, I just report them.

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 3 15:39 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA17997; Fri, 3 Dec 93 15:39:31 +0100
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Reply-To: "Amy L. Ward"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Amy L. Ward"
Subject: Are you a real engineer? (fwd)
Comments: To: Humor
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

*************************************************************************** * Amy L. Ward * * * Career Center * "My computer can beat me at chess, * * The George Washington University * but it's no match for me at * * cecalw@gwunix2.gwu.edu * kickboxing." -- Emo Phillips * * othello@unix1.circ.gwu.edu * * ***************************************************************************

> Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards. >
> Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish; > they just never remove it.
>
> Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta > release schedule.
>
> Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but > they lull their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard. >
> Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for
> Christmas, but use them more than he does.
>
> Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but > to stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
>
> Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the > interest of efficiency.
>
> Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles > so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning. >
> Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box > of Triscuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses > at all times, in case they pull an all-nighter.
>
> Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in. >
> Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so > she can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while
> programming.
>
> Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Vicoria's Secrest because > they insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras > before buying them.
>
> Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because > its gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement > tools in their science kits.
>
> Real Engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses. >
> Real Engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the > same time.
>
> Real Engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape. >
> Real Engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when > doing counted cross stitch.
>
> Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on > even during labor.
>
> Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up > on biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking > the PE exam.
>
> Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.
>
> Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box. >
> Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor > between contractions.
>
> Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide > documentation on how to cut them!)
>
> Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; they'd like to, > but they can't!
>
> --------------------------------------------------------
>

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 3 19:07 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA18496; Fri, 3 Dec 93 19:07:36 +0100
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Reply-To: Ian Chai
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Ian Chai
Subject: boxer, tape, irs
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

---------------------------------------------------------------------- SOUTHAMPTON, England (AP) - Boxer Tony Wilson won his fight in three rounds Thursday night after his mother climbed into the ring and hit his opponent over the head with her stiletto shoe.

Opponent Steve McCarthy left the ring with blood seeping from a head wound as security officers ushered Minna Wilson away.

When McCarthy refused to return, referee Adrian Morgan raised Wilson's arms in victory, declaring that McCarthy had retired.

Uproar broke out among the 1,000 specators at the Guildhall in this south English port, where the British light heavyweight title eliminator fight between local boy McCarthy and Wilson was being staged.

The furious crowd kicked and punched Wilson before he escaped to a dressing room, sheltered by his trainer and manager.

"The first thing I saw was my mum in the ring, and then eveything went wild," said Wilson, from Wolverhampton, central England. "She has been watching my fights for years and nothing like this has happened before."
Police reinforcements were sent. But no one was arrested, and no one was reported injured.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Some years ago a friend of mine was taking a magnetic computer tape through customs in Egypt. The customs staff on discovering the tape started to unreel it onto the floor. When my friend asked what they were looking for they told him that they were checking the film for pornographic scenes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- On a similar note: Many years ago (about 15), I used to work for the Infernal Revenue Service (boo!). Every Friday, some friends and I would gather in one one of the cafeterias and play our guitars during our lunch break. And -- every Friday -- when I brought my guitar case into the building, the guard would stop me and say, "What's in the guitar case?" I would look at him like he was purple and say, "Why, a guitar, of course!" And each week, he would tell me to open the case and he would search the entire case (who knows what for!), includ- ing the inside of the guitar. Well, one week, when he asked me, "What's in the guitar case?", I said -- with a perfectly straight face -- "A submachine gun." Did he search the case that time? NO! He waved me on!
---------------------------------------------------------------------- I once went through customs from the US into Canada carrying
a 2400' mag tape. The customs agent wasn't buying the $20
(or whatever) I told him it was worth (no duty on the value
of the DecSystem 20 operating system on the tape, but that's
another story). He got his calculator out and was figuring
the square footage of the tape so he could charge me the
going duty on mylar.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 3 18:10 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA18423; Fri, 3 Dec 93 18:10:35 +0100
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Reply-To: sverrek@EDB.TIH.NO
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Sverre Klov
Subject: unsubrcribe....
Comments: To: humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

It's been fun, but I can't be on this list any more...
Please unsubscribe me.


Unsub. joke...
English beer is like making love in a canoo.........

It's fuckin' close to water.

((tm) by Monty Python:))

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Dec 6 14:20 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA23483; Mon, 6 Dec 93 14:17:40 +0100
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Reply-To: A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Alun Richards
Subject: Blonde Checkout Girl
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

So there's this blonde checkout girl, and one of the items in
the customer's basket just won't scan. The supervisor comes
over and says "We'll enter it manually: you read out the bar
code & I'll type it in". So the checkout girl goes "err, OK:
Thick-line, Thick-line, Thin-line..."

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Dec 6 15:14 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA25781; Mon, 6 Dec 93 15:14:05 +0100
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Reply-To: WEBSTER@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Sim Webster
Subject: Business joke about rich Republicans <1950s>
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Richie Royal was having a particularly good year. After working 20 long years as a vice-president for the the family silk business, he had become President and Chairman of the Board. His grandfather had died earlier that year.

One morning, his secretary brought in some checks for him to sign. "This one," she explained, "is for your $100,000 initiation fee into the Hoover Dinner and Golf Club."

"Oh, that's wonderful. I should get a nice tax break on that," sighed the wealthy executive.

"This one is for the house you're buying out on Long Island. It's for $1,250,000."

"Good deal. They have such good schools in that community."

"And this one for $2,000,000 is for that new office we're opening in Paris."

"Hey, I worked hard planning for that expansion," commented the rich Republican.

"And now," said the secretary. "I'd like to ask you for a raise. I've been with you for more than two years now. Would $25 a week be all right?"
"Twenty-five dollars!" shouted the company president. "What do you think I am, a millionaire?"
/r

From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Dec 6 15:23 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA26144; Mon, 6 Dec 93 15:22:58 +0100
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Reply-To: Stephen Ward
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Stephen Ward
Subject: Scottish guy walks into a bar...
Comments: To: humor@uga.bitnet
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

A scottish guy with the kilt and whole deal walks into a bar in Cuba. He walks up to the bartender and being Scottish he wants to see if he can get a drink for free. He asks the bartender, "Can ya pour me a wee bit o Scotch?". "You got money?", asks the bartender. "Nay, I havna any cash but Ah was hoopin you could spot me wee drrrink.". "We don't do free drinks!", responds the bartender and promptly ignores him. While thinking about how to swindle a drink a guy comes in with a big bushy beard and a cigar in his mouth. He walks up to the bar and mutters , "Castro's Men" and receives a free beer no questions asked. This happens again, guy with the beard and cigar and so gives the Scottish guy an idea. He hails the bartender and mutters to him, "Castro's Men". The bartender looks him up and down and says, "You don't look like you have a beard and cigar!". The Scottish guy lifts his kilt and says, "Aye! Secrret Serrvice!". :)

Stephen Ward |WARD Consulting Inc.
Client/Server Specialist |173 Dufferin St., Suite 308 |Toronto, Ontario, Canada
sward@AccessPt.north.net |M6K 1Y9 +1 416 588-7441
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Dec 6 15:23 MET 1993 Received: from vm.ics.muni.cz by hp832.fce.vutbr.cz (16.6/1.05 VUT Brno) id AA26186; Mon, 6 Dec 93 15:23:40 +0100
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Reply-To: "D. E. Gulledge" Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "D. E. Gulledge"
Subject: Geography (clean)
Comments: To: humor
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

How many states are there going to be in Europe in the year 2000.
Answer: 7

Huh!

1 big Europe and 6 Yugoslavias.

From @earn.cvut.cz:@helios.edvz.univie.ac.:@:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Dec 7 16:45 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1993 10:21:34 EST
Reply-To: @earn.cvut.cz:JOEMOLE@USCN.bitnet
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From: Joe Mole <@earn.cvut.cz:JOEMOLE@USCN.bitnet>
Subject: It was shaped like an egg
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

IT IS SHAPED LIKE AN EGG

Someone asked Nasrudin to guess what he had in his hand.

"Give me a clue," said the Mulla.

"I'll give you several," said the wag. "It is shaped like an egg, egg-sized, looks, tastes and smells like an egg. Inside it is yellow and white. It is liquid within before you cook it,
coalesces with heat. It was, moreover, laid by a hen."

"I know!" interrupted the Mulla. "It is some sort of cake."
Don't you just love riddles? Ugh. Joe Mole

From @earn.cvut.cz:@helios.edvz.univie.ac.:@:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Dec 8 16:56 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1993 08:40:14 -0700
Reply-To: Mark Montanez <@earn.cvut.cz:MARK@AHECAS.COLORADO.EDU> Sender: UGA Humor List <@earn.cvut.cz:HUMOR@UGA.bitnet>
From: Mark Montanez <@earn.cvut.cz:MARK@AHECAS.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Thanks!!!....
Comments: To: GIGGLES@VTVM1.BITNET, HUMOR@UGA.BITNET
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Hi,

Thanks to everyone that sent Ethol a Birthday wish... she loved it... she printed them all out... and is going to put them in a scrap book...
OB JOKE:

A few days after christmas, a mother working in the kitchen was listen- ing to her son playing with his new eletric train in the livingroom. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are getting' on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving!". The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house, now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nicer language." Two hours later, her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your be- longings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope you will ride with us again soon, for those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking execpt in the club car. We hope that you will all have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."


-Mark-

+----------------------------------+--------------------------------------+ | Mark Montanez | The Auraria Higher Education Center | | Systems/Network Manager | Information Services, Campus Box B | | Operating Systems Programmer II | P.O. Box 173361 | | (Mark@ahecas.Colorado.EDU) | Denver, Colorado 80217-3361 | +----------------------------------+--------------------------------------+

FINAGLE'S 6th RULE
"Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them."

From @earn.cvut.cz:@helios.edvz.univie.ac.:@:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Dec 8 21:26 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1993 15:22:50 -0500
Reply-To: "D. E. Gulledge" <@earn.cvut.cz:gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU> Sender: UGA Humor List <@earn.cvut.cz:HUMOR@UGA.bitnet>
From: "D. E. Gulledge" <@earn.cvut.cz:gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU> Subject: Re: God's (or the systems) failings. (fwd)
Comments: To: humor
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Received the following from a friend at Kansas State, thought to pass it on to the list. Would appreciate appropriate additions.
**************************************************************************** From: JMPEARSN@business.cba.ksu.edu
To: gulledge@grits.valdosta.peachnet.edu
Subject: Re: God's (or the systems) failings.

WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT THE UNIVERSITY

1. Because he had only one major publication.

2. It was in a foreign journal.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Questions about authenticity.

6. What has He published since?

7. His cooperative efforts have been very limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time duplicating His results.


Thought you might enjoy this! jmp.
************************************************************************
From @earn.cvut.cz:@helios.edvz.univie.ac.:@:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 10 19:44 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 10 Dec 1993 10:31:48 -0500
Reply-To: Jack Valenta <@earn.cvut.cz:VALENTA@RCKHRST1.bitnet>
Sender: UGA Humor List <@earn.cvut.cz:HUMOR@UGA.bitnet>
From: Jack Valenta <@earn.cvut.cz:VALENTA@RCKHRST1.bitnet>
Organization: Rockhurst College; Kansas City, MO
Subject: PARROT JOKE
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

Burgler looks thru window into dimly lit room. Nobody there.
He starts thru the window, when he hears a voice: "I see you, and Jesus sees you!"
He freezes. He was certain nobody was in the room. His eyes get adapted to the dim light, and he sees that indeed nobody is in the room, but across the room he sees a large birdcage. He realizes he must have heard a parrot. So he says, "Yeah, sure, Jesus sees me."
He climbs the rest of the way into the room and flips on the light. Across the room he sees the parrot in its cage, and beneath the cage he sees a Doberman. The parrot says, "I see you, and Jesus sees you. Sic him, Jesus!"

From @earn.cvut.cz:@helios.edvz.univie.ac.:@:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 10 18:41 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 10 Dec 1993 10:51:26 EST
Reply-To: @earn.cvut.cz:JOEMOLE@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List <@earn.cvut.cz:HUMOR@UGA.bitnet>
From: Joe Mole <@earn.cvut.cz:JOEMOLE@USCN.bitnet>
Subject: Art of tipping
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

A GOLD COIN, THEN A COPPER COIN

Nasrudin visited a Turkish bath. Because he was dressed in rags, he was cavalierly treated by the attendants, who gave him an old towel and a scrap of soap. When he left, he handed the amazed bath men a gold coin. The next day he appeared again,
magnificently attired, and was naturally given the best possible attention and deference.

When the bath was over, he presented the bath keepers with the smallest copper coin available.

"This," he said, "was for the attendance last time. The gold coin was for your treatment of me this time."

From @earn.cvut.cz:@helios.edvz.univie.ac.:@:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 10 19:21 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 10 Dec 1993 11:33:05 -0400
Reply-To: "If this is a Global Villiage,
who is the villiage idiot?" Sender: UGA Humor List <@earn.cvut.cz:HUMOR@UGA.bitnet>
From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now."
Subject: On a plane in the fog.......
Comments: To: Humor@Uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing
in Atlanta It's totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall office building. He rolls down the window (this particular airplane happens to have roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?" The person responds "In an airplane!"

The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a perfect landing at Atlanta International.

As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how the response you got was any use." "Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the IBM building."

From @earn.cvut.cz:@helios.edvz.univie.ac.:@:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Dec 14 19:59 MET 1993
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Reply-To: Marty Kuhrt <@earn.cvut.cz:marty@SPISYS.TTISMS.COM>
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From: Marty Kuhrt <@earn.cvut.cz:marty@SPISYS.TTISMS.COM>
Subject: Middle management decisions (sexual innuendo)
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

This came out of the 'cookie jar' this morning. Thought I'd pass it on.
When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.

The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where the boss caught up with her. "I've got some news for you, Liz," he said. "I've got to lay you or Jack off."

"Jack off", she snapped. "I have a headache."

From snowhite@eskimo.com Wed Dec 22 03:03 MET 1993
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id AA01490; Tue, 21 Dec 1993 18:04:20 -0800
Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1993 18:02:05 -0800 (PST)
From: Linda White
Subject: OK to laugh at this one
To: Jan Kucera
Message-Id:
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
Status: RO

J -
From one of my lists.
- L

Cc: bagpipe@cs.dartmouth.edu
Subject: Re: jokes?

>Subj: jokes?
>
>Looking for jokes, anecdotes, funny stories, etc. about pipers. >Does anyone have a good one for the upcoming Bobbie Burns dinner >(late January)? I knosome dirty ones, but how about nice fam, >family jokes?


Howsabout the following antiques?
=========================================================================
Difference between...

.. Bagpipers and dressmakers?
Dressmakers tuck up frills.

.. Bagpipes and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up bagpipes.

.. Bagpipes and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.

.. Bagpipes and a violin?
A violin burns a lot faster.

.. Uilleann Pipes and a lawnmower?
A lawnmower can be tuned properly.

How many Pipers players does it take to change a light bulb ?
100 - one to change it while all the others stand around muttering "I could do that FAR better".

========================================================================= Seasonal Regards


From snowhite@eskimo.com Wed Dec 22 03:10 MET 1993
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id AA02135; Tue, 21 Dec 1993 18:10:42 -0800
Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1993 18:09:18 -0800 (PST)
From: Linda White
Sender: Linda White
Reply-To: Linda White
Subject: Santa / history
To: Jan Kucera
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Status: RO

I left the name in as a credit in case he wrote it. - L

>From ceo@FTP.COM Tue Dec 21 11:26:34 1993
Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1993 11:28:42 EST
From: Chip Olson
To: Multiple recipients of list UUS-L Subject: History of Santa Claus

Hi all;

In light of the current discussion of Santa Claus, I thought I'd pass this along...



HISTORY OF SANTA CLAUS: THE UNTOLD STORY

1689--Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.

1691--Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons him.
1692--Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items with him from the North Pole. He finds he's able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.

1703--Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still intact.

1704--Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.

1705--Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.

1716--After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar artifacts, including the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company in his native Germany.

1720--Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only because of Claus' underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well) Competitors urged government officials to begin an investigation.

1721--Enough proof is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus Toys Company. Claus himself refuses to release his records.

1722--The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of treason. When news of this breaks, Claus' employees all turn against him and his company.

1723--Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds with all the company's funds.

1724--A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds, however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian wife flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it's generally assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He's believed to have returned to his North Pole base)

1725--Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.

1725-1734--The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the arts of toymaking and business dealings.

1735--Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to build a castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the company funds.

1739--The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year, Claus' wife dies, accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle's great halls.
1740--Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.

1745--Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and of his sick father.

1747--Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.

1748--Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.

1753--All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father's toy company once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies, at age 89.
1755--The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.

1757--The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by Claus II to begin an ambitious project--that of breeding and training reindeer to fly.

1773--The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III's major form of transportation.

1774--A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by the Claus government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other world leaders for a stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a lavish show of wealth, all at the elves' expense. He gives the other leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion are planted.

1777--As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the Claus government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his advantage.
1784--On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street during the Christmas day parade, and is assassinated by a radical faction of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law into effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads the Elves in rebellion.

1785-1792--The Seven-year Strike happens. The elves refuse to make toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole hits an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner of his own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself as leader of the elven community.

1796--Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully try to invade Norway. Over 10,000 elves are killed.

1800--Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.
1802--After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he's quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built, brought to life, and used as a political scapegoat.

1804--Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.

1819-1826--After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.

1827-1841--The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as president. In order to clear their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location, they decide to start the hugest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas, Claus IV will ride throughout the world, distributing free toys to children everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very costly.

1837--Claus III dies.

1851--As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves are asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay cut. They start to complain, but Claus assures them he'll do all he can to help them. As a sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds between the Claus family and the Elves.

1856--Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay at home, and so he suggests that department stores use costumed employees to represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do it every year.

1857-1867--Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time building up the company, doesn't seem to mind, in fact, he feels that it's good publicity.
1871--Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government back to the elves.

1872--Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live the remainder of his life under guard in the castle's west wing.

1875--After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the new form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but they are successfully quieted. (It's also because of communism that Santa Claus' suit later changes from beige to red.)

1881--Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets underway. His funeral isn't a large one.

1887--In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the assembly line.

1893--Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of the first one, whom the communist government now honors for "giving the government back to the elves."

1900--Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.
1902--After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. Throughout the kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say he'd be back again some day.

1906--Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves aren't the leit excited.

1909-1922--The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally, and Claus V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.

1925--Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He's found buried in the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is the work of Frosty, but no one can prove it.

1926--Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are installed in the streets, and the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are expanded, and the toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.
1929--Angered by Claus' commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts to remove the material goods to show the true meaning of Christmas. He fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that the Grinch is made out to be the villain.

1949--Claus VII is born.

1979--Claus VI dies of natural causes.

1933-1990--The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly. Across the Western world, a pattern starts to emerge and become noticed. Children receive Claus' toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their parents throw them away. Then, as the children grow into adults and have children of their own, the toys start to surface again. And so the cycle goes on.

1991--First sightings of Anti-Claus.

1993--Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed. His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites reversed. He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And instead of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by eight flying cows.

1997--Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole.

2002--Communism fails utterly at the North Pole resulting from the nature of the elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth making the Christmas rounds, collides with Anti-Claus, who was flying counterclockwise. A huge explosion and blinding flash of light occurs, leading scientists to believe that they annihilated each other.

2007--The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves. Christmas is no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is finally achieved throughout the kingdom.

2011--It's discovered that Claus VII didn't die in the explosion, but merely made it appear so. From there he went to live in the Bahamas. He's later found, dead of a heart attack, in a jacuzzi with two and a half dozen nymphets.



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