--------- Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".
-------- Phil Corless
A golfer's ball had landed just left of the fairway.
As he searched for it in the weeds, he noticed a police
car parked across the road. "I don't know where your
ball went," the police officer yelled to him, "but for
what it's worth, it was going 42 miles an hour!"
-------- Grady Lacy
> Everyone knows that Descartes is famous for his axiom
> Cogito ergo sum.
> It took a lot of work to develop this little homily. Among his earliest > efforts was:
> Cogito ergo spud.
> (I think therefore I yam.)

Decartes goes into a bar one day, and the bar tender says to him: "Bonjour, M. Decartes, would you care for something to drink?"

Decartes looks up and replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears! --------: Victor Jockin-2
Two guys who really like baseball made a bet: When the first one of them would die, he would come back and tell the other whether there is baseball in heaven. Years passed, and one night one of the guys was woken by the ghost of his friend.

"Oh my God! Ralph! What are you doing here?!"
"I've come back with some good news, and some bad news, Frank." "Yeah?"
"There's baseball in heaven."
"And?"
"You're pitching Friday."
--------:
A Steamer developed trouble in one of its pressure valves in its engine room that caused an explosion. The ship was sinking fast, but the crew acted swiftly to get the passengers off onto life rafts. Finally, the crew started piling into the rafts. When it got down to the last 3-man lifeboat, only the Captain and three of his crew were left behind. The Captain turned to his crew: "I don't believe these stories about the captain going down with his ship, and since there is only enough room in this lifeboat for three of us, I'm going to aske each of you one question. Whoever answers correctly can get into the lifeboat." The Captain addressed the first sailor: "What famous 'Unsinkable' ship went down after striking an iceburg?"
The first sailor immediately responded, "The Titanic, sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat.
Then the Captain asked the second sailor: "How many people went down with the Titanic?"
The second sailor immediately responded, "One thousand, three hundred and fourty-seven, Sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat. Turning to the last sailor, the Captain asked:
"And what were their names?"
--------: Dale Schroyer
A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for his birthday. The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad." The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we'll see next year," says the father.

The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply. The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year.
On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am ready for a woman!" The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son." The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns right." At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck and then goes into the room with the whore. All of a sudden he hears terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son with shoving a broomstick in and out of the whore while she is screaming at the top of her lungs.

"What the f**k are you doing son?" yells the father.

"Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son.
--------: Linda White
Here's one from the Frank and Ernest
comic strip on Wednesday: He lost his job as a bus driver. He kept waiting for the "Bus Stop" sign to change to "Bus Go."
--------: nandu@cs.clemson.edu
A man decided to conduct a world wide poll
He asked a Texan "Excuse me, what's your opinion on the meat
shortage?"
He got "What's a shortage?"
He went to Poland, asked same the question and got "What's meat?" He went to Russia, asked same the question and got "What's an
opinion?"
He went to New York, asked the same question and got "What's an excuse me?"
--------: nsankar@hubcap.clemson.edu (Nandakumar Sankaran)
The airline business has always had a rich sense of humour, and one purportedly true story doing the rounds at the moment upholds the tradition. It concerns a stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest.

The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the pilots have everything under control. "Madam," he replies, "I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing."
--------: nsankar@hubcap.clemson.edu (Nandakumar Sankaran)
The physicist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9... well, experimental error. 11 is prime... ..."

The mathematician says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime... therefore, by induction on 2n-1, all odd numbers are prime."

The engineer says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9 is prime... 11 is prime... ..."

The chemist says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime; well, I guess that's enough data!"

The Biologist says: "What's a prime?"

The programmer says: "Wait a minute, I think I have an algorithm from Knuth on finding prime numbers... just a little bit longer, I've found the last bug... no, that's not it... ya know, I think there may be a compiler bug here - oh, did you want IEEE-998.0334 rounding or not? - was that in the spec? - hold on, I've almost got it - I was up all night working on this program, ya know... now if management would just get me that new workstation tha just came out, I'd be done by now... etc., etc. ..."

The computer scientist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 7 is prime... 7 is prime... 7 is prime... ..."

The psychologist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9 is latently prime but repressing it... 11 is prime... ..."
The social scientist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... we'll pretend 9 is prime... 11 is prime... ..."

The statistician says : "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... from samples surveyed, all odd numbers are prime..."

The politician says : "Some numbers are prime.. but the goal is to create a kinder, gentler country where all numbers are prime... "
--------: Dan Hotopp There was this guy who was bothered by a worm in his ass (don't ask how it got there). He had seen many doctors and no one could kill it or take it out. As days passed he couldn't walk properly, sleep peacefully, s#!t, etc. Finally he found out about a doctor who was supposed to be good. So he went to this doctor and told his problem. The doctor said "well, this is not a simple problem. But I can cure it, and it will be a 30-days treatment." The man was willing to take any pain for another 30 days and agreed. The doc asked him to bring a banana and a cherry every time he comes for the clinic and said that he shouldn't ask any questions about the treatment. The man agreed. The next day he showed up with a banana and a cherry. The doctor asked him to remove his pants, while he put on his gloves. When the guy has undressed, he took the banana and inserted it up his ass. After about 3 minutes he inserted the cherry. Then the doc said 'thats it for today. See you tommorrow. Don't forget the banana and cherry.' The man was confused as hell. Anyway he didn't ask anything.

Then the 2nd day, 3rd day....yeah, you guessed it right, every day the doc inserted the banana and waited for 3 minutes or so and then inserted the cherry and asked the guy to come next day with the fruits. Now the 29th day came and the doctor did the same banana, cherry treatment. The poor guy couldn't resist this time. He said "hey doc, what the hell you think you are doing...I ain't getting better. That damn worm is still giving me lots of trouble, and you...". "C'mon" said the doc, "I said not to question me...just one more day of treatment....Trust me.... and by the way tomorrow just bring a banana. We don't need the cherry anymore." More confused, the guy left.

Next day our friend showed up with a banana. As usual the doc pushed the banana up his ass and waited. After about 5 minutes a worm poked its head out of this guy's a-hole and said, "What, No Cherry today?!!". "psssskkkkk...." the doc pulled the worm out of the guy's ass and said "there you go!".

Thought for the day:
Intuition (n): an uncanny sixth sense which tells people
that they are right, whether they are or not.
--------: Matthew James Ellis
A burgular was wandering round the living room of a house, collecting swag, as burgulars do...when he heard a voice say "STOP THAT OR JESUS WILL PUNISH YOU...", he thought nothing of it and carried on collecting swag, and the the voice spoke up again..."STOP THAT OR JESUS WILL PUNISH YOU"....The burgular was now worried and looked wildly around the room spotting a cage with a cover over it. He preocedded to lift the cover and saw, to his relief, a parrot inside...
BURGULAR: Whats your name?
PARROT: Cecil
BURGULAR: Thats a funny name for a parrot
PARROT: Yes, and Jesus is a funny name for a Rottweiler too
--------: John White
During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.

"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."

"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."

"Not so fast, madame. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."

"I find that hard to beleive. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."

"Where was he born?"

"In a stable."

"And why was he born in a stable?"

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel." --------:
The Scene: Three people walking across the desert; an American, a Mexican, and a Winkie. (Substitute your favorite nationality/sub- culture known for its stupidity in place of Winkie.)

After they had been walking for a while, the Mexican and the Winkie notice that the American is carrying a glass of water. They asky why, and the American replies: "Well, when it gets real hot, I can drink this glass of water to cool off." Then he drinks it.
The American and the Winkie notice that the Mexican is carrying a Sombrero. The Winkie asks him why he's carrying the hat, and the Mexican replies: "Well, when it gets real hot like now, I can put my hat on to be in the shade." Then he puts it on.
The American and the Mexican notice that the Winkie has been lugging a car door through the desert. Neither of them can understand this, so they ask him why. The Winkie smiles and replies: "Well, its just like you two are doing. When I get hot, I can just roll down the window." --------: Arthur Emerson III
> How to get better service for your computer or printer
>
> 1. Do not call for a technician until everyone concerned has had time > to form an opinion as to what is wrong. Allow each person the chance to > correct the problem. Whenever possible all electronic pots and > adjusting screws should be turned.
>
> 2. After several days, when the computer/printer malfunction has become > a major emergency, place an urgent call for a technician. Fridays are > best, but anytime after 4 p.m. is OK.
>
> 3. Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is > wrong. Suggestions on how to fix the computer/printer will be welcomed > by the technician.
>
> 4. Hide the service logbook that is found next to the computer/printer. > Make several references to the log and ask why he isn't using it. >
> 5. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly > technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate > problem.
>
> 6. The computer/printer should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A > mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the problem > area has electrical components, add staples and paper clips.
>
> 7. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen > the computer/printer before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus. >
> 8. Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the device is to > be repaired. A good technician can fix them blindfolded.
>
> 9. The minute the technician arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make > it clear that he should have arrived two days ago. Before he can > answer, ask him when the computer/printer will be back in service. >
> 10. As soon as the technician starts to work on the device, have all > personnel go over one at a time, and ask when it will be ready to use. >
> 11. If the technician goes back to his shop for a new part, try and use > the device. All those parts that he has removed may not really be > needed.
>
> 12. When the repair is completed, tell the technician what a swell job > he did. Tell him that the job should be swell, it took long enough. >
> 13. After the technician is gone, call his supervisor and tell him that > the machine is now worst then it was before. Follow up with a letter to > the owner of the service company.
--------: Jay Sandhu
A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.
A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000. Confused the man asks, "I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was free." "That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable."
This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off. "Who was that?" Demands the wife.
"If you must know, that was my mistress."
"Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!"
"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs,
a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?"
They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"Thats HIS mistress."
"Oh... Well I think ours is cuter."
--------: Scott J Holman
There was this older man who finally decided to settle down one day. So he listed all the beautiful women he knew and eliminated all but three of them. To each of these women he gave a thousand dollars. One week later he decided to see what they'd done with the money.
The first woman spent all the money on clothes, make-up, and other things ALL for herself, so that the man would have a beautiful wife. The second woman spent all the money on things that both she and the man would use (TV, microwave......) because she wanted for him to have everything he needed.
The third woman took the money, invested it and make a profit of 3000%. She said she didn't ever want the man to have to work again.
So WHICH woman did he marry????

The one with the biggest HOOTERS.
--------: Victor Jockin-2
A man goes into a gay-owned pet shop and sees a bullfrog on sale for $5000.

"Why is this frog so expensive?" he asks.
"It gives amazing blow jobs whenever you want them," the store owner responds.
"I'll take it!" says the customer.

A week later, the guy comes back with the frog and is furious: "This frog doesn't do shit! He just sits there!"

The gay store owner bends down, looks the frog in the face and says "OK, you son of a bitch...I'm going to demonstrate this for you one last time." --------: Ian Chai
To: Jesus Ben Joseph
Regarding: 12 Candidates for management positions.

Dear sir,

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal
interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.
It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are
lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for
persons of experience in managerial ability and proven
capability.
Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of
temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would
tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeaus
definitely have radical leanings, and they both register a high score on the manic depressive scale.
One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a
keen business mind and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man.

Sincerely yours,
Management Consultants Inc.

(And you thought that things had changed a lot over the last 2000 years.)
--------: "d.parkin"
A dog walks into a JobCentre and says to the assistant:
"Excuse me pal, you got any jobs for me?"
The assistant picks himself up off the floor and recomposes himself - "Um, yeah, leave it with me, come back in an hour and I'll see what I can do for you."
The dog leaves. The assistant rings Billy Smart's Circus.
"Hey Billy - you interested in a talking Dog?"
"Of course, send him along! If he's any good there'll be a few quid in it for you!"
An hour later, the dog pads back into the JobCentre. The assistant gushes "Great news! You've got an interview tommorow at Billy Smarts Circus!" The dog looks puzzled.
"What does a circus want with a bricklayer?"
--------: BITNET: GEELKINS@ECUVM1 INTERNET: GEELKINS@ECUVM.CIS.ECU.EDU > Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a > London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel > involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned. >
>
> WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
> ******************************************************
>
> Dear Maid,
> Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my > bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove > the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest > and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. > Thank you,
> S. Berman
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
> Dear Room 635,
> I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from > her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as > you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and > put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your > mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions > from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
> I hope this is satisfactory.
> Kathy, Relief Maid
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
> Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
> Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the > little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found > you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. > I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my > own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on > the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. > Please remove them.
> S. Berman
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which > we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in > your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial > was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. > I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed > inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did > not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me > know if I can of further assistance.
> Your regular maid,
> Dotty
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you > called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid > service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will > accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any > future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal > attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. > Elaine Carmen
> Housekeeper
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
> Dear Miss Carmen,
> It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for > business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the > reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. > I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little > bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a > new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my > medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the > bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little > bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
> S. Berman
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your > room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, > please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
> Elaine Carmen,
> Housekeeper
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > Dear Mr. Kensedder,
> My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my > room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and > had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. > S. Berman
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. > I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids > are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. > The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my > apologies for the inconvenience.
> Martin L. Kensedder
> Assistant Manager >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
> Dear Mrs. Carmen,
> Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last > night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars > of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I > have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. > Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
> S. Berman
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. > Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so > I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and > the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know > anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, > did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays > plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this > hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size > Ivory which I left in your room.
> Elaine Carmen
> Housekeeper
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
> Dear Mrs. Carmen,
> Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. > As of today I possess:
>
> - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
> - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. > - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size > Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
> - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. > - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
> - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. > - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
>
> Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are > neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more > than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window > sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap > deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized > Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further > misunderstandings.
> S. Berman
--------: LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU
Little Sally comes home from Sunday school and her mother asks her what she learned.
"The teacher told us the story of Moses leading his people out of Egypt", Sally said.
Her mother asked Sally to tell her the story.
"Well", said Sally, "Moses led his people away from Egypt and the Pharaoh starting chasing them. When they got to this big lake, Moses called up his engineers and they built this pontoon bridge over the lake and Moses and his people started across. When they got to the other side, they waited until Pharaoh's army was on the bridge and then Moses called in his helicopters and artillery and they bombed the bridge and blew up the Pharaoh's army and they all drowned and Moses and his people got away."
Sally's mother was horrified. "That can't be the way your teacher told the story!"
"Well, no" said Sally, "but you would never believe it the way she told it." --------: "The Reincarnated Bug..." Moses and Jesus are floating on the sea in a small boat. They talk for a while about the good ol' days. Jesus thinks for a second and says to Moses, "Do you think you still have the touch?"
Moses looks at him and shrugs, "Dunno. Let me try."
So Moses stands up in the boat, and with a grand gesture parts the sea. The boat settles on the bottom of the sea and Jesus says, "Good!"
Moses brings his hands back together and the sea comes back together ant the boat is floating once more on the waves.
Moses looks to Jesus and says, "Now you try, okay?"
"Okay," Jesus says, then lightly steps out onto the surface of the water - then sinks like a rock.
Moses, acting quickly, pulls the floundering Jesus back into the boat and asks, "What went wrong?"
Jesus sputters, spits some water, and says, "Well, the last time I tried this, I didn't have holes in my feet!"
--------: Ken Price
A true urban legend:

A husband of a friend (yes, I know it sounds like one of THOSE sort of stories) went to a local bank to make a withdrawal. Its one of those banks where you take a form, fill it in and stand in line. While waiting in line, he casually flipped the withdrawal form over and noticed that someone had written on the back of it "I HAVE A GUN : GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY". Not wanting to lose his place in the queue, he waited till he got to the teller and said "Look, some idiot has written on the back of this form". The teller, not listening, saw the writing and hit the panic button. Alarms rang, cops appeared, the guy was cuffed and taken to a back room and interviewed for a few hours. At 10'o'clock at night, his wife finally found out where he was (he went to the bank at mid-day) and he was released only after several well-respected friends testified as to his character. But before he left the cops checked the pile of withdrawal slips in the bank and found that about half of them had similar messages on the back. Evidently some prankster had done so for a joke.
--------:
A sunday golfer was playing the game. As he prepared to hit to the 10th green he took out his 8-iron. He set himself and got ready to swing. Just before he started his swing a voice said, "Take the 7." He looked around, saw nobody, and set himself to swing. Just as he was beginning his backswing the voice said again, "Use the 7". This time he looked more carefully and saw a little, green frog sitting on the ground. And the frog said, "Use the 7."
The golfer put the 8-iron back in his bag, took the 7, swung, and the ball took off like an arrow and came to rest 4 inches from the cup. For the rest of the afternoon the frog hopped along with the golfer, clubbing him. At the end of the nine holes the golfer had a score of 38 strokes. He'd never played the nine in less than 51 before. As the golfer started to leave, the frog said to him, "Let's go to Atlantic City." The golfer replied, "Look I'm greatful for your help. But you must be nuts. I have a wife, children, a home. Dinner is all ready. Everyone is waiting for me. I can't go to Atlantic City."
The frog said, "Look. Take me to Atlantic City. You won't be sorry." So off they went to Atlantic City. They took a plane to Phila- delphia, then took a cab to Atlantic City. They went right to Trump Tower and the player sat down at the a Blackjack table, with the frog in his pocket. The first hand the player was dealt a 17. The frog said, "Hit it." The player said, "Are you crazy. You stand on 17." The frog said "Hit it." The player signalled the dealer to give him another card and got a 4. All night long it went that way. By 3:00 a.m. the player was ahead $367,000.00. And he was exhausted. He cashed and the hotel put him up in the suite reserved for extraordinary large gamblers - comp'd, of course. When the player and the frog got up to the room the player said to the frog, "I'm going to draw you a warm bath and you can sleep in the tub full of water."
The frog said, "I don't want to sleep in the tub. I want to sleep in the bed with you."
The player replied, "Are you nuts. I can't sleep with a frog." The frog said, "Look. I've done good for you. You owe me...." The player thought for a minute and decided, what the hell, it's only one night. So he put the frog into the bed and climbed in himself. He was just about to go to sleep when the frog said, "Kiss me." The player said, "Look. I went to Atlantic City. True I got very lucky and made a mint of money. Then I let you sleep in the bed with me. But I'm not kissing any frogs."
The frog said, "It wasn't luck. Kiss me!"
So the player said to himself, what the hell, and leaned over and kissed the frog.
All of a sudden there was a tremendous thrashing about in the bed & in about 10 seconds, instead of the frog, lying there beside him was the most gorgeous, sexy, stark naked, 14 year old girl.
(Pause)
And I swear to you, Judge, that's just the way it happened, that's the truth, the whole truth, so help me God.
--------: Ian Chai
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dish washer quit working. Typically, he couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment, and since she had to go to work, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large Rottweiler inside; he won't bother you. I also have a large parrot, but whatever you do, DON'T TALK TO THE BIRD!"
Well, sure enough the dog totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the damned parrot cussed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist,
"You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, SIC'EM!!!"
--------: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Once again, for anyone that provides a service......

Some users require a bit of hand holding. Others deserve to have them cut off and stuffed up their... well.....

Once upon a time I was doing a support call, and:
"... Ok, now type cd space..."
sounds heard from the user: "click click, clickclickclickclickclick" "... um, excuse me sir, what did you just type?"
"cd space."
"... nononononono, space BAR, space BAR!"
"ahhh. clickclickclick."
"... nononononNONO!, the space bar! that big horizontal thing at the bottom middle of the keyboard! Hit delete."
"ahh. Why? How will delete help?"
"It'll abort what you just typed. Just hit it."
"Click. OK."
"... Great, now type ... cd ... SPACEBAR..."
Lots of clicking noises, I decided to ignore for the nonce.... "... slash"
"Slash?"
"... yes, it's the key below the question mark."
"Ah.... "
"... and hit return."
:silence: "click click click click click click"
"Noooo! Noooo! the return key! the return *key*!"
"I don't have a return key."
"Alright, ENTER, then."
"Enter what?"
:under my breath: "the gates of hell." "The ENTER key, hit it please." "Ah. Hokay, it says file not found."
"What?!!! - listen, what do you do there at XYZ Inc?"
"I am system administrator for whole network."
"Do you have a secretary or someone there I could talk to?
You see, we've got another couple hundred letters to type and I don't have that kind of credit with Ma bell..."

I sent him a copy of typing tutor that day. FedEx. I then called in sick for the rest of the week, hoping to avoid further blood pressure problems.

Friday he called in, asks for me specifically. Seems he needed help on getting typing tutor installed!!!
--------: HOGNE SANDVIK
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasability study in ways of improving efficiency in communications betwen Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthousiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reatsh the stage where more komplikated tshanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trublsm difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of Mr. Orvel vud finali hav kum tru.

(From REA News, Journal of the Royal Aircraft Establishment)
--------: nandu@cs.clemson.edu
A former Australian Prime Minister, Robert Menzies, was addressing an election rally some years ago.

Menzies: ....I'll tell you a few things I know...
Heckler: Tell 'em everything ya know Bob....it won't take very long! Menzies: I'll tell them everything we both know my friend, and it won't take any longer.
--------: Sara Rummelhart
This airline pilot had been feeling sick. He was continuously tense and up-tight. He went to a psychologist to find out what his problem was. The doctor asked him if he loved his mother. He replied, "Yes, I have a wonderful mother." The doctor asked him if he loved his father. Again, he replied, "Yes, I have a terrific father that I admire greatly." The doctor then asked him when was the last time he had sex. The airline pilot replied, "1954." The doctor exclaimed, "1954??! No wonder you are tense and uptight. That's an awfully long time." The pilot said, "Good grief, doc...it hasn't been that long. It's only 21:19 now."
--------: Paul Robinson
This man was talking to a woman who was his ex-lover. Finally
he insults her over some trivial matter. She, exasperated, says,
"You are a complete and total BASTARD!"
to which he calmly responds,
"Practice makes perfect."
--------: Linda White
Alice in UNIX Land


Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect that everything was not as it should be. "Program too big to fit in memory," it read.

"Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load fourteen TSRs before starting my word processor. With four megabytes, I wish I could use more than 640K."

"At that moment, a small white consultant ( a very white consultant) ran across the room. "Oh my coat and necktie," he said, "I'm going to be late for my appointment. And at one fifty an hour, too." Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and disappeared behind her operating system.

Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor before; and certainly not go clean through the operating system. But then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow. Without hesitating a moment, she leaped in after him.

She found herself in a shiny corridor. Not knowing what else to do, she began walking. Turning a corner, she found herself facing two fat little men, each with an arm round the other's neck. One had "POS" embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG".

"I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor."

"Yes," said Positive.

"Can you help me? asked Alice.

"No," said Negative.

"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.
"No," said Negative.

She pointed the other way.

"Yes," said Positive.

Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."
Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down.

Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed.

"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some string."

"Nroff?" asked the Frog.

The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"

"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"

"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker.

Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.
"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on waking him.

"Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look at..."

A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech
accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.

"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed a bit surprised.

"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.
"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants!"

"Awk," said the Frog.

"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will not have to learn."

"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"

"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them want to switch to UNIX."

"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."

"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like Brut, or Rambo."

"Penix," suggested a Penguin.

"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."

Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.

"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrinkwrap issue?"

Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again.


"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to tasting flavors."

Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left.

Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Rem," is said, "edlin."

Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."
"Chkdsk," said the Frog.
--------: "Wall, David K."
Want to meet elderly married woman


Yes, that's right. Age 50 to 75, and inseperable from her cherished husband. Someone who treasures intimacy, is energetic, open-minded, spontaneous, bright, human. Who feels no shame or inhibition around sexuality, is creative and responsive. Who gives her man tenderness, stimulation, support, challenge, and expects the same from him (and, of course, receives it). Who is in excellent shape, who looks 10-20 years younger than her actual age. Who is gentle in her forthrightness and honesty. A woman of profound character and rich sensuality. And, lastly, who has joyfully passed on her beliefs, values and qualities to her children.

I want to meet her unmarried daughter.

I'm a professional white male, 37, and a perfect complement to the above. --------: PG#1179
THIS MAN (HE'S A DICK) GOES TO VEGAS. HE WINS A MILLION DOLLARS... HE MAKES AN OFFER TO A DUDE TO SLEEP WITH HIS WIFE. NOT.- HE HAS ALL THIS CASH SO DECIDES TO FIND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PROSTITUTE TO GO FUCK...
HE FINDS ONE, THE MOST GEORGIOUS ONE......AND SAYS, "HOW MUCH FOR A HAND JOB?" SHE SAYS $350 BUCKS.. THE DUDE IS LIKE "DAM! THAT'S ALOT!" SO SHE SHOWS HIM HER MERCEDES AND SAYS, "I PAID FOR THIS CAR WITH HANDJOBS"
HE'S THINKING "SHE MUST BE GOOD" AND GOES FOR IT.

.............LATER THAT DAY................

HE'S IN HIS ROOM FEELING FRISKY AND GOES TO FIND THE LUCIOUS PROSTITUTE. HE FINDS HER AND SAYS 'HOW MUCH FOR A BLOWJOB' "A THOUSAND DOLLARS" SHE SAYS LICKING HER LIPS..... AGAIN HE'S LIKE "SHIT! THAT'S EXPENSIVE!" SO AGAIN SHE SHOWS HIM HER CONDO.....AND TELLS HIM SHE PAID FOR THAT WITH THE MONEY FROM BLOWJOBS. SO HE SAYS "I MINE AS WELL, I'M RICH AND AFTER THAT HANDJOB,,,,,,,AND LOOKING AT THAT CONDO....SHE *MUST* BE GOOD!!!!!!"
SO HE RECEIVES THE BEST BLOWJOB HE'S EVER HAD AND LATER THAT NIGHT WANT'S TO GO AHEAD AND FUCK HER..........SO HE FINDS HER AND ASKS, "HOW MUCH FOR A FUCK" AND SHE POINTS SAYING "SEE THAT CASINO OVER THERE? IT WOULD BE MINE IF I HAD A PUSSY"
--------: Phil Corless
Q: What do you call a ravioli that pretends to be a macaroni?
A: An impasta!
--------: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
A Chemist, an Engineer, and a Physicist were stuck on a desert island with one can of beans and no way to open it, so they all fell to thinking of ways to get at the food.

Suddenly the Chemist yells, "I have it! We can make a compound from the sea water and the sand that will dissolve the can and leave the beans untouched!"

The Engineer replies, "No, no - I found some driftwood and seaweed, and I have designed a contraption that will lift the lid off the can!"
The Physicist remains silent. After awhile, the other two walk over to him and say, "Well? Don't you have a plan to get at the food?"

The Physicist replies, "First, assume we have a can opener...."
******************************************************************************
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to ensure that the lightbulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.

******************************************************************************
While looking for a Real Job (read: technical writing), I've been paying the bills doing medical transcription work. I came across a book today called "The Empty Laugh Book" by the American Association for Medical Transcription, containing some of the funniest dictated and transcribed quotes from the world of medicine that I've ever encountered. Some of the best follow:
(c) 1981 AAMT
--------------------------------------------------------------------- d: Hesselbach's triangle
t: House of Ox triangle

d: Foot is cold with a purplish hue
t: Foot is cold with a purple shoe

d: Patient is a primip.
t: Patient is a prime rib.

d: Patient was followed up by the Neurology Service.
t: Patient was fouled up by the Neurology Service.

d: Varicose veins
t: Very close veins

d: Patient underwent a tubal ligation.
t: Patient underwent a two-ball ligation.

d: Dr. Blank concurred with the diagnosis.
t: Dr. Blank conquered the diagnosis.
--------------------
This ethnic fellow (nationality of your choice) buys a convertible one day from a local car dealer. Later the same night, the car dealer receives a phone call.

"Excuse me, but do you happen to have an extra set of keys for my new car? I seem to have locked mine in."

"Yeah, sure. Where are you?"

"Corner of Main and King."

"Okay. I'll be over in about half an hour."

"No, no! You have to come over right now!"

"Why?"

"'Cause I left the roof down and it's starting to rain!!"
--------: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
"Say, Pooh, why aren't YOU busy?" I said.
"Because it's a nice day," said Pooh.
"Yes, but---"
"Why ruin it?" he said.
--------: Ian Chai
The last will:
I leave:
To my wife, my overdraft at the bank -- maybe she can explain it.
To my banker, my soul -- he has the mortgage on it anyway. To my neighbor, my clown suit -- he'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
To the ASCS, my grain bin -- I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.
To the county agent, 50 bushels of corn, to see if he can hit the market-- I never could.
To the junk man, all my machinery -- he's had his eye on it for years.
To my undertaker, a special request -- I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.
To the weatherman, rain and sleet and snow for the funeral, please -- no sense in having good weather now.
To the gravedigger -- don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.
--------: Ken Price
Friend of mine (yes, one of those sorts of jokes) went to the Grand Final one year. Couldn't find a seat. Went into the Collingwood stand, saw and old bloke sitting next to the empty seat. Went over to him. "Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
"No, sit down mate"
"How come this seat was empty?"
"Oh I booked two seats, one for me and one for my wife"
"Is she ill or something?"
"No: actually she died last week"
"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to intrude on your grief"
"Its OK.."
"Why didn't you offer the seat to one of your workmates or family friends?"
"I would have done, but they're all at the funeral"
--------: Frank Patnaude
In Annapolis Maryland, the US Naval Academy and St. Johns University (specializing in philosophy) have a friendly rivalry and the following jokes:

How many mid-shipmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. He just stands there and the world rotates around him.
How many St. Johns' students does it take to change a lightbulb? Define 'change'.
--------: David_Douglas
HOW MANY FEMINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
One. AND IT'S NOT FUNNY
--------: "Ryan J. McMillen"
This joke requires the teller to snap his fingers after each name. The reason will be obvious by the end.

A father and a son are arguing over who has slept with more women. They are arguing and arguing and neither one will give way to the other. Finally, the dad hits on a plan. They'll both go on their errands and whenever they come across someone they've slept with, they'll snap their fingers.
So, they're walking down the street and the Dad goes "Hi, Mrs. Crabtree" and snaps his fingers. The son goes, "Hey, Judy" and snaps his fingers. So they keep walking and the Dad goes, "Hey Mrs. Brady" *snap*. The son goes, "Hey, Dorothy" *snap*. They keep walking and the Dad goes, "Hey, Mrs. Lincoln" *snap* and the son goes "Hey, Mary" *snap*.
They get to the supermarket and they go up to the checkout counter and the Dad goes to the checkout girl "Hey, Kathy" *snap* and the sone goes "Hey, Kathy" *snap*. By this time, the dad is shitting a brick. He can't lose to his son in this! So he hits on a plan. He'll go home.
They get home and the father goes up to his wife and goes "Hey, honey" *snap*. The son goes up to his mom and goes
"Hey mom *snap*, is sis *snap* back from grandma's *snap*? --------: "Jason A. Reed"
Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin Immediately.

History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philisophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Ramses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from ALL possible points of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Mathematics: Solve pi to one million places. Show all work.

General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. --------: Robert Martin
Antonio came home from school one day and walked into
the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what'd
you learn in school today?"

Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and
vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation..."

Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up
to his room, crying.

Antonios's mother walked in and cried, "Grandma! Why
did you go and hit Antonio!?"

Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in
school today. He started talking about sex, and
penises, and masturbation!"

Antonio's mother said, "Grandma! That's what they do
learn. It's called sex education!"

Well, Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she
went upstairs to apologize. She opened his door and
found him masturbating on his bed. She then said,
"Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come
down and talk to me."
--------: LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU
A Benedictine a Franciscan and a Jesuit were out playing golf together. The group ahead of them was taking a long time to play and the three starting complaining about the slow players. Their caddy overheard them and explained that the group ahead of them were blind and that's why they were taking so long.

The Benedictine, embarrassed, said "Isn't it wonderful how those people have over come their handicap."

The Franciscan said, "I agree. It's really humbling to see them out there playing golf."

The Jesuit looks down the fairway at the group and says, "Why don't they play at night?"
--------: JOHN VOGEL
"Did ja hear that the Pope has decided to try out Women in the Priesthood? It seems he wanted to start quietly in a far off place without a lot of news coverage, so he chose a small Irish Fishing villiage. So Herself arrives and insists that she wants to be treated just like the last priest in that little town. The townies all nod their heads and roll their eyes in that order.
"So the next morning she's asked by one of the fishermen about the annual blessing of the fleet. She puts on her coat and asks where it is normally done. Well, the fisherman hemms and haws for a moment and then says that the old priest had usually gone out to the banks to bless the fleet and she's on her feet insisting that's how she'll do it as well. "Making her way to the lead boat, she climbs on and insists they start right off. They are a few hundred yards under way when one of the men notices that they've left without the day's lunch (due to the confusion what whithh Herself on board). She says, "Don't trouble yourselves," steps off the deck to the surface of the harbor and walks across the waves to the dock. "'Wouldn't you know it," one of the fishermen says, "The pope would not only send us a woman priest, but he sends us one that can't swim." --------: Ellen Daleng
Heard on a Lufthansa flight: (commanding, with a heavy accent)

- "Zis is your Captain speaking.
We are now apprrroaching Berrrlin.
Please fold up yourrr tables,
strrraighten the backs of your chairrrs
and fasten your seat-belts...

...Anz I ONLY vant to hearrr ONE CLICK!"
--------: aw@ccde-gw.cv.com (Arnd Wussing)
TOP 10 THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT GOLF
10. The smell of fresh cut fairway grass
9. A white ball soaring into a clear blue sky
8. Making a 30-footer for birdie
7. Hitting a par 5 in two
6. Blasting a drive off the first tee in front of a crowd
5. Being the first foursome off in the morning
4. Trees (when not in your line)
3. Clearing the sand trap
2. 19th hole chatter
1. It beats work.

TOP 10 THINGS TO HATE ABOUT GOLF
10. The smell of fresh pine in the rough
9. A white ball soaring into a clear blue pond
8. Making a 30-footer for a 9
7. Hitting a par 3 in 5
6. Blasting the tee farther than the ball in
front of a crowd
5. Being behind the slowest foursome of the day
4. Trees (when they ARE in your line)
3. A plugged ball in a sand trap
2. A partner who will not stop talking, and a
partner who won't talk to you at all
1. It's work.

- From "Your Putter or Your Wife . . . And Other
Strange Golf Lists" by William Kroen
--------: Paul Robinson
Seen on the back of a truck (on the bumper):


<- PASSING SIDE SUICIDE ->
--------: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
--------: John A. Davidson
Heard this from some state employees in Pa.
Why does Hillary get more Secret Service Men than Bill?

Because if she dies HE has to run the country.
--------: kkt (Kathy Tansill)
As you may be aware Bill Gates is getting married:

The reception will be held at Microsoft so that people can continue working.

After 3 years of marriage, bill may upgrade to Wife 2.0.

Melinda's (the bride's) parents were ecstatic about the engagement until they found out they were going to pay for the wedding.

Bill's new home of the future in medina will now have a woman's touch--a few doilies on the mainframe.
--------: Rafael Lacaz Ruiz
Two crazy guys were runing in a forest...one says to another:
- Where are you going to?
- I don't know. And you?
- I don't know too.
- So, let's go together!...
--------: Bill Rauscher
There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before." The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job." The owner asks, "What do you do?" The guy says, "I write music and play the piano." The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested." The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?" The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their Brains Out." The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?" The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played. The guy answers, "I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore." The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hirer you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy agrees.
That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out. One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?" The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"
--------:
Farmer John had a very sick cow. He nursed the cow for days, using every folk remedy he could find. As nothing seemed to help, John asked his son (a college boy) what he should do. His son told him to call a doctor and have him take a look at the cow. Not quite sure who to call, but unwilling to ask his son again, he called in 3 different doctors: a veterinarian, an MD, and a physicist.
The first to arrive was the veterinarian who examined the cow, shook his head, and said, 'I can do nothing for her.'
The next to arrive was the MD. He thoroughly examined the cow, and finally told the farmer, 'It's hopeless.'
Finally, the physicist arrives (over an hour late, of course), examines the cow and says: 'I can save her. First, assume a spherical cow...' --------: "Amy L. Ward"
What Computer Geeks say to their Coprocessers:

I wish to uncompress you over *all* my disk space.
Oh little processer of my desire!
Be the hard drive of my dreams.
I want all of our functions to be read/write.
Living with you is like virtual reality.
We can make beautiful .wav files together.
May we never have any bad CRC's.
I output gibberish as you tap my keypad.
Before you, I was a PC without a power outlet.
Let's interface our hardware.
Press any key to continue.
May our communication always be synchronous.
Don't worry, the first couple of times it's always Abort, Retry, Fail. I'll always have cache for you.
Our LoveRoutines link perfectly.
Ever since I met you, I've been looping a recursive subroutine. No kinky Windows stuff.
I think we should increase our bandwidth.
Every once and a while two numbers meet, link, and become forever binary. Well, if that's how you feel, I guess it's time to upgrade.
Oh, you found out about my backups, didn't you?
Trust me, I'm user friendly.
Well, now you've gone and killed my process.
You can't exit yet, you still have stopped jobs!
Phone for you, I think it's your motherboard.
--------: Gary Stephens
A Jehovah's Witness called at a man's front door. They chatted for a while and the man asked the Jehovah's Witness why the Bible did not mention the dinosaurs. The Jehovah's Witness took offence at this comment and punched the man. The man retaliated and
totally floored the Jehovah's Witness, and then said "I hope Jehovah witnessed that !".
--------: HOGNE SANDVIK
Q: What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? A: You can unscrew the lightbulb!
--------: Jim Taylor <@ANG153FS.ang.af.mil:@153AG:J=TAYLOR@LGC> A city guy, and a country guy go hunting together. The two are
sitting in there tree stand, and the city guy has to go use the "restroom". The city guy asks where is the restroom. The
country guy says "around here we just use a bush or a tree". So the city guy runs off and then a few minutes later, from behind a bush, he yells "where is the toilet paper??" The country guy
says "around here we just use a dollar". So after a few minutes the city guy climbs back up into the tree stand covered with
shit. He had shit up and down his arms, all over his pants, and was a mess. The country guy asked what happened, and the city
man said "I don't know, I used three quarters two dimes and a
nickel"
--------: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
32 Reasons why Cookie Dough is better than men.

1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient".
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.
--------: MIKE TOMLIANOVICH
How Client/Server Computing Is Like Teen-age Sex

1) It is on everybody's mind all the time.
2) Everyone is talking about it all the time.
3) Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
4) Almost no one is really doing it.
5) The few who are doing it are:
a) doing it poorly;
b) sure it will be better next time;
c) not practicing it safely.
--------: "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" Subject: A Computer Love Story

Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home just as the sum was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 6800 in the main drive (he had missed the 6100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight!"

Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and inquired "How are you, Honeywell?" "!es, I'm well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight." he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on?"
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted 8k, "I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside."

She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if she'll like my firmware?"
They sat down to the processing table to a top of form feed of Fiche and Chips and a bucket of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledge- ments although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?', but Mini was one step ahead, again!

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM!" she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a software bug that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core" was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered. When Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready, he accessed his fully packed root device. When he was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, she suddenly attempted an escape sequence.

"NO, NO," she cried, "You are not shielded."

"Reset, Babe", he replied, "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled and my data base doesn't support parent/child processes." she protested.

"Don't run away," he said, "I'll generate an interrupt!"

"No, that's too error prone and I can't abort because of my design philosophy!"

Micro was locked in by this stage though and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers", she though as she complied herself, "all they ever think of is hex!"
--------: Ian Chai
If you sat a monkey down in front of a keyboard, the first thing typed would be a UNIX command.

-Bill Lye
---------------------------------------------------------------------- There's always an easy solution to every problem -
neat, plausible, and wrong.
-H. L. Mencken
--------: Linda Rule lrule@kscmail.kennesaw.edu
If you can do something about it, why worry?
If you can't do something about it, why worry?
-Old Indian Proverb
--------: nomura@uy.ncsa.uiuc.edu (Miki Nomura)
the lord is my chief cook,
I shall fear no gastrointestinitus.
he makes me to remove peanut butter from my grocery list,
he makes me to remove peanut butter from contaminated kitchen utensils, he makes me to put in a stick-up to remove foul peanut butter odor.
though I walk through the peanut butter isle in County Market,
I shall fear it not,
for your wooden spoon and frying pan remind me of what foul taste and smell does it have.

but you pour over my head (and into my mouth) wonderful
nachos with spicy salsa,
you wash my feet with dissenfectant to remove athetes foot
(though I am not an athelete).
surely good food will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will eat in the Kitchen of God forever!

-Brant Hinrichs
--------: Thomas Rowe
I heard this years ago. The Lufthansa joke jogged my memory. Its out of date now, but you could probably change it to your favorite airlines and make it work.

Pilot calls into the control tower and asks what time it is. Tower resonds by asking what airline you are.

"What does it matter which airline we are?"

"Well, if you're Continental we'll tell you its 1500 hours. If you're Eastern, we'll tell you its 3 PM. If you're Braniff we'll tell you the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. And if you're Ozark, then the answer is Tuesday."
--------: hcate.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
According to The Bathroom Trivia Book, by Jack Kreismer:

It's against the law in Portland, Oregon for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink.
It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM in Memphis, Tennessee. No one is permitted to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket in Lexington, Kentucky.

It's against the law to sing off key in North Carolina.
In Wilbur, Washington it's illegal to ride an ugly horse.
It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland, Maine.
In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
A Texas law says that when two trains meet at a railroad crossing, both must come to a stop. Then neither train may continue until the other one is out of sight.
----------------------------------------------------
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.
The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him--he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone:
"Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.

But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse." --------: Mike Ellwood
"Looking at GIF pictures all day on my X-terminal is really ruining my eyesight"

"Yeah, those screens are really bad aren't they?"

"Er, no it's not the screen that's the problem, it's what I'm doing while I'm watching the screen..."
--------: Ian Chai
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. -- Miss Manners' Guide to
Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
---------------------------------------------------------------------- A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First he asked that the airconditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold and so on for about half an hour. Surprizingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
-"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile, "We don't even have an air conditioner"
---------------------------------------------------------------------- This recollection was prompted by a recent posting on this topic in talk.bizarre:

A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her
two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighbourhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm.

She quickly opened the window and screamed at them, "Don't feed him worms! They'll make him sick!"

They looked up at her with some puzzlement. "Was he sick yesterday?" --------: Wolfgang Schmid
I hope this one hasn't been posted before:

Sex is like playing bridge:
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
--------: Rafael Lacaz Ruiz
The Brazil's president decided to do something important...not for his country, but to be remembered in the future. So, he gathered the ministers and a special comission to discuss about it.
They proposed him to release a stamp with the president's face. The president got amazed with the idea and agreeded with the proposal. After a month the releasing of his stamp, a comission comes to the president and says :
- Mr Itamar, your stamp isn't "bonding"
- How come? Go and do investigate it!
After three months, comes the comission:
- So, tell me what is been going wrong with my stamp!
- Well, Mr Itamar...is that ....is that... people are spiting on the wrong side of the stamp!