--------: Sara Rummelhart
"Marie, put my wife on the phone," said Mr. Smith. Marie, the maid, said she couldn't because Madame was in the bedroom with her lover.
"Okay, Marie, go to my den and in my file cabinet you will find my revolver. Take it and shoot both of them. I'll hold on."
"Yessir," said the maid, and a few seconds later two loud gunshots were heard.
"Good," said the husband. "Now go outside and throw the revolver into the lily pond."
There was a long pause. Then the maid said, "Lily pond? What pond?"
"Isn't this 269-8469?"
The same guy, out with a new girl, asked her seductively, "Do you know what virgins eat for breakfast?"
"No, what?" she replied.
"Hmmmm," he said, "just as I thought."
The three sleazy roommates decided it was time they went to confession. When the priest asked them for their sins, the first roommate said she had let a man fondle her breasts. The priest told her to wash them with holy water.
The second roommate confessed that she had touched a man's cock. The priest told her to wash her hands with holy water.
The two girls were washing with holy water when the third roommate joined them. "Move over sluts," she said, "I have to gargle."
A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to thier farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter". "Well,
my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do anything for my love" says the young man.
"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love" On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it." Again the boy obliges and returns saying,
"Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it." Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter. So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my d auther." To
which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?" --------: John Vogel
A man was driving in a rural area when he saw a man hitch hiking. He pu lled over to
He pulled over to give him a ride but found himself staring down the barrel of a revolver. The man forced him to get out of the car and then to drop his pants. He was then ordered to masturbate as the gun was leveled on his middle. He complied, quite embarassed by the experience.
Then the gun toting hitch hiker gestured again with the gun and told him to do it again. Looking around for some escape and seeing none, he was forced to comply again. He managed to finnish, but fell to his knees at the end. Looking up, he found the gun again leveled on it as he was ordered again to jerk off.
He insisted that he couldn't but began in ernest when a shot was fired to one side. After several minutes, completely exhausted, he spurted on the ground.
He was then told to pull up his pants. As he buckled his belt he saw a lovely young thing come out from behind some bushes. Gesturing absently with his gun the hitch hiker said, "Ok, now you can take my daughter into town." --------: BARREL
THERES THIS GUY AND HE GOES AND BUYS SOME PIGS, SO HE
CAN BREED THEM. HE PUTS THEM IN A PEN THEN GOES TO BED.
THE NEXT DAY HE GETS UP AND SAYS TA THE MISSUS "WHAT ARE
THOSE PIGS DOIN" SHE REPLIES "THEY'RE JUST ROLLING IN THE
MUD" SO HE GOES ABOUT HE'S WORK AND GOES TO BED.
THE NEXT DAY HE GETS UP AND ASKS THE MISSUS AGAIN "ARE
THOSE PIGS DOIN ANY THIN DIFFERANT" SHE REPLIES NO THEY'RE
JUST ROLLIN IN THE MUD" SO HE GOES OUT SIDE LOADS THE PIGS
IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK AND HEADS UP TO THE BUSH
WHEN HE GETS THERE HE FUCKS THE PIGS FOR ABOUT AN HOUR,
LOADS THEM IN THE TRUCK AND GOES HOME.
THE NEXT DAY HE GETS UP AND AGAIN ASKS "ARE THOSE
PIGS DOIN ANYTHIN DIFFERANT" AGAIN SHE SAYS NO
SO HE LOADS THEM UP AND GOES BACK UP THE BUSH AND
THIS TIME HE FUCKS THE PIGS TILL LUNCH TIME, LOADS
THEM UP AND HEADS HOME.
THE NEXT DAY HE ASKS "ARE TO THOSE PIGS DOIN ANYTHIN
DIFFERANT" AGAIN NO. SO HE HEADS BACK UP THE BUSH WITH THE
PIGS AND FUCKS THEM TILL THE AFTER NOON, LOADS UP AND GOES HOME.
THE NEXT MORNIN HE GETS UP ASKS THE QUESTION, AGAIN NO IS
THE REPLY. SO OFF HE GOES WITH THE PIGS AGAIN, THIS TIME
HE FUCKS THEM FOR THE WHOLE DAY, LOADS UP AND GOES HOME.
AFTER TWO HOURS SLEEP HE GETS UP THINKS TO HIMSELF
"SURELY THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW" SO HE SAYS TO THE WIFE
"ARE THOSE PIGS DOIN ANYTHIN DIFFERANT" SHE REPLIES
"YES THEY ARE" "THANK GOD!" HE YELLS
"YEH MOST OF THEM ARE IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK AND ONES IN
THE FRONT BEEPIN THE HORN" SHE REPLIES.
WELL THE STORY IS THIS. THESE TWO OLD BLOKES SHARED THE SAME WARD IN A HOSPITAL, AND THEY BOTH HAD THEIR EYE ON THIS NURSE, AND SHE WAS HOT. BIG TITS , NICE ASS, EXTREMELY PRETTY, NEED I GO ON. WELL THEY GO TO SLEEP ONE NIGHT WHEN THIS NURSE IS ON NIGHT SHIFT. ONE OF THE BLOKES TO HIS SURPRISE FOUND THE NURSE IN BED WITH HIM . HE TELLS THE OTHER BLOKE THE NEXT DAY, THE OTHER BLOKE GETS EXCITED AND SAYS WELL WHAT HAPPENENED WHAT DID YOU DO?
WELL THE BLOKE GOES, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS ID FORGOT WHAT TO DO, SO I SANG THE LOVELY SONG " MEMORIES ". AH..... THAT WAS NICE SAID THE OTHER BLOKE.
THE NEXT NIGHT THE NURSE WAS ON NIGHT SHIFT AGAIN, AND THIS TIME SHE JUMPED IN BED WITH THIS OTHER BLOKE. THE NEXT DAY THE BLOKE WHO SANG TO THE NURSE GOT ALL EXCITED AND SAID WHAT DID YOU DO THEN.
THE BLOKE GOES " I COUDLNT THINK OF THE WORDS TO MEMORIES SO I FUCKED HER!" --------: "Musat, Bob" <@IBM4381.ONET.EDU:bmusat@oscs>
these three ladies, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, are standing around talking about their pregnancies. they finally get around to talking about what sex they think their expected little bundles are going to be. the brunette says, "when we made love, my husband was on top; we're going to have a girl."
the redhead joins in with, "when WE made love, I was on top, so WE'RE going to have a boy!"
well, suddenly, the blonde bursts into tears!
when the other two try to console her, and ask what's wrong, she wails, "I'M GOING TO HAVE A PUPPY!!!!!"
--------: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center
chance he got. One gorgeous Saturday his wife had had enough
and forbid him to play golf -- it was time to get some things
done around the house that had been neglected all summer. But
because it was such a beautiful day the man begged and pleaded
and finally the wife agreed to let him play nine holes --
provided he come straight home afterwards and do the chores
around the house.
So the man leaves and plays a wonderful nine holes of golf. His buddies try to get him to make the turn and play the full 18 but he's adamant about getting home. However, on the way home he
encounteres a car with a flat tire and two very shapely ladies
attempting to change it -- with a great deal of difficulty. Being the nice guy that he is, he stops and helps them change the tire. As it turns out, the girls are so grateful they decide to reward him by taking him home and showering him with sexual favors for a few hours.
When the man finally arrives at home he is met by his wife at
the door. Immediately he begins his tirade of excuses... "Gosh Honey, the foursome in front of us was sooooooo slow...... And
Harry kept hitting his ball in the woods and we had to search for it....... and did I mention the lightening? Seems someone thought they saw lightening so they called us off the course for over an hour and...." Finally realizing he was getting nowhere with his wife he decided to confess. "Honey, after I played nine holes
I was coming straight home when I saw these ladies having trouble changing a flat tire. So I stopped to help them and in return
they took me back to their place and screwed me silly."
The wife began to get a thunderous look on her face, her eyes
were about flashing fire and she hissed through clenched teeth
"You played 18 didn't you?"
--------: Jesse Welsh
Q; what's a blonde's mating call?
A: Boy, am I drunk!!!
Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Gee, are all the blondes gone already?
Q: What's a redhead's mating call?
--------: Mike Ellwood
A society lady was attending one of those swell, charitable dos, in London one day, and found herself speaking to a charming lady, full of fun, but whom she could not put a name to. So she tried a few
conversational gambits to try to get a clue, without exactly admitting that she didn't know who she was talking to. She tried:
"So, what is your sister doing now?" to which the other lady replied, without batting an eyelid:
"Oh, you know, still Queen".
Wanna know how to make a small fortune in stocks?
Start with a large fortune.
Q: How do you save a drowning laywer?
A: Throw him a rock.
Person 1: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: GOOD!
A streetcar in Moscow is packed with people. There are lots of signs in the bus supporting Gorbachev's anti-alcohol drive. The driver shouts "Red Square". Some people get on and off. At the next stop the driver shouts "Liquor Store". Some people get on but nobody gets off.
At the next stop the driver shouts "End of the line for the Liquor Store". Everybody gets off.
And so it goes with the anti-alcohol campaign in the Soviet Union. --------: Mike Mooney
greatest golfer or the world's greatest lover. He picked greatest golfer.
The golfer went on to shoot a round in the low 50's. When he finished the genie asked," It's really none of my business, but why did you pick golf over sex ?". The golfer replied, "I do pretty well with the ladies, but I never was much of a golfer". The genie continued, "Well, just out of curiosity, how often do you have sex?". The golfer replied," Oh, I guess once or twice a month.". Somewhat surprised the genie said," That doesn't sound like the world's greatest lover". The golfer replied, "Maybe not, but it's not bad for a priest in a small town." --------: Frank Patnaude
There was a married man who had decided to have an affair. He went down to the local bar and met an attractive woman. He bought her a drink, and got to know each other.
While they were talking he said "Look, I'm married, I have a couple of kids, and I just looking for a good screw." She replied "I have no problem with that, that is all I'm looking for also." They went and go a hotel room and screwed for hours.
After they were done, he remarked "Wow, you're a really good sport about this." This went on for a couple of months, and she never called his house or bother his other life in any way. After each meeting, he would say "Wow, you're really a good sport about this."
A few months later, she called him at home. He said "I thought I told you never to call me here!" She told him "I'm sorry, this is the only time that I will call. I'm over at the hotel and I found out that I am pregnet, so I am going to blow my brains out with a gun." He replied "Wow, you're a really good sport about this." --------: Bill Rauscher
A big strong muscular guy went to a bar and ordered a club soda with the juice of one lemon. The bartender poured the club soda and squeezed the juice from one lemon. The strong guy said, "I bet you one hundered dollars I can squeeze a cup of lemon juice from the lemon you just squeezed." The bartender said, "You're on!"
The strong guy squeezed and squeezed until he got one full cup of lemon juice from the lemon. The bartender, amazed, gave him $100.00.
A couple of stools down sat this little skinny guy with big thick glasses. He turned to the strong guy and said, "I bet you $500.00 I can squeeze two cups of lemon juice from that lemon you just squeezed. The strong guy laughed and said, "You're on!"
The skinny guy squeezed and squeezed, he grunted and groaned, but was smiling the whole time. The strong guy and bartender just
watched in amazement when the skinny guy sat back smiling having squeezed two cups of lemon juice from the already twice squeezed lemon. The strong guy reluctantly forks over the $500.00. Puzzled, the strong guy asked, "How in the hell did you do that?!!!" The skinny guy said, "Oh, it's very simple, I work for the IRS!"
--------: STACY BICHELMEYER
Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
They have shaky hands!
--------: Frank ROUSSEL
Program pro'gram n. An algorithm for converting input into error messages --------: "Dennis Bil."
There was a guy who was really horny so he decided to take a
little trip to the brothel. He pays his money and is led into a room with pillows all over the floor. His girl is waiting for him so decides to jump right in. After a while the girl starts to
moan, "Uno, Uno". This girl is chinese so he thinks it is some
kinda pleasure moan, so he starts going harder and faster. A few more minutes later, the same thing happens, she yells, "Uno,
Uno". He starts going harder and faster. "UNO, UNO", she screams this time. He thought he could go on all night. But eventually he wakes up and sees' that it is light out. He gets dressed and
drives to the golf course where is going golfing with his buddy. On the very first hole he hits the ball nicely and surprisingly it drops in the hole. Remembering last night he yells out, "Uno, Uno". His buddy looks at him strangley and then says,"What do you mean wrong hole?".
--------: Linda White
HOW TO WRITE GOOD by Frank L. Visco
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules: 1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
--------: Sara Rummelhart
Three guys are sitting at a bar, discussing their families - one protestant, one catholic and the third mormon. The mormon is having a warm milk, of course. The protestant pulls out his wallet and displays a picture of his family saying, 'As you can see here, we've been blessed with four tall children. I'm hoping for one more so we can have our own basketball team.' The catholic says, ' that's wonderful, but I'll go you one better. The blessed virgin and my wife have given me TEN children. One more and I'll have my own football team' The mormon is quite impressed, but pulls out his wallet nonetheless. He says, 'You all have wonderful families, but I am truly the most fortunate of all. As you can see in this picture, I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have my own golf course!'
--------: email@example.com (Daniel Lemberg)
I've had some funny ones over here, some of my favorites:
Guy buys a pack of 3 1/2 inch disks, opens up the box. Reads directions of back of box: "Remove disk from jacket and insert in drive". So he pulls out a knife and saws off the casing on the disk, inserting the metal disk that is left into the drive. Then he comes to me complaining that he is having trouble saving his document.
Saw some lady in the back of the room repeatedly rebooting one of our PC's. Asked her what was wrong, she said she the machine wouldn't give her disk back.
A guy comes up to me and loudly complains that our disk drives are broken, he saves stuff onto his disk and next time he uses them his file is gone. I ask him to show me what he is doing. Well, on the back of his disk box it said "format before use", so guess what he did?
A UNIX user calls and says he can't get elm (an e-mail program) to run properly. His account hasn't been set up yet, so he doesn't have a .profile which properly sets his terminal type. We have a default .profile in the directory /usr/skel. So I tell him to type "cp /usr/skel/profile .profile" For some reason he keeps typing in the command wrong, and finally ends up with "cp /usr/skel/profile profile", so I say just type "mv profile .profile" to which he reponds "Well, thats MUCH easier, why didn't you just say so in the first place?"
I get a phone call from a PC user who has some memory resident junk which is screwing up his program. So after having him list out his autexec and config.sys, I tell him to just boot his machine again. He says Well, ok, and I hear a crashing, tinkling noise.
Word for the Mac will disk-swap if a file is to big to fit in memory, in other words it will place information that would normally be in the machines memory into files upon the hard drive. Well, this lady was editing a 750k doc on a Mac with 1 meg of memory, off of her floppy drive. Unsurprisingly, it soon told her that her disk was full. So she trashed all the files on her disk.
Same lady calls me from home. Her Mac wont boot, she says. The last thing she did was trash all the system files. I say, "Didn't I tell you that a good guideline to follow is to never delete anything unless you know what it is?" Sure, she says, but she had read her manual and knew what these were.
A new PC user reads an article on graphics co-processers. So he buys a 486 66 chip and solders it onto his graphics card, and wonders why his machine refuses to boot.
--------: HOGNE SANDVIK
In Lappland Ante was caught stealing reindeer.
The owner was so mad that he undressed Ante and tied him to a
birch tree. He was to stand there during the night as a
The next morning the owner came to untie Ante:
- I hope the mosquitos were really bad this night!
- Oh, the mosquitos were nothing compared to that weaning
reindeer calf which could not find its mother!
--------: Alun Richards
This actually happened to me. When I was in PC Support some
years back I was speaking to a user who had a lock-up problem.
Being unable to find the root cause over the phone, I asked him to send in a copy of the failing program. A few days later I
received a PHOTOCOPY of his dBase II issue disks.
Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor. "The one worry I have", says Lenin, "is this: will the people
follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will", says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so", says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?".
"No problem", says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."
An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
"What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to this head and pulls the trigger.
The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of
"It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
--------: Giuliano Peritore
Two people are too many to keep a secret unrevealed
OBSERVATION TO SECRETS' LAW
But at least two people are necessary for a secret's being
CONSEQUENCE OF THE OBSERVATION TO SECRET'S LAW
Everyone will know anything much sooner than you could ever imagine
There is nothing more functional than saying "Don't say it to anyone" to make a secret public
LAW OF THE NOT SERIOUS
Spread the secret before everyone else spreads it before you
RULE FOR TRANQUILLITY
Keep your really important things for you alone
--------: Bhushan Lakhe
>>Redwood City, CA (API) -- A tense stand-off entered its third week >>today as authorities reported no progress in negotiations with >>charismatic cult leader Steve Jobs.
>>Negotiators are uncertain of the situation inside the compound, but >>some reports suggest that half of the hundreds of followers inside >>have been terminated. Others claim to be staying of their own free >>will, but Jobs' persuasive manner makes this hard to confirm. >>
>>In conversations with authorities, Jobs has given conflicting >>information on how heavily prepared the group is for war with the >>industry. At times, he has claimed to "have hardware which will blow >>anything else away", while more recently he claims they have stopped >>manufacturing their own.
>>Agents from the ATF (Apple-Taligent Forces) believe that the group is >>equipped with serious hardware, including 486-caliber pieces and >>possibly Canon equipment.
>>The siege has attracted a variety of spectators, from the curious to >>other cultists. Some have offered to intercede in negotiations, >>including a young man who will identify himself only as "Bill" and >>claims to be the "MS-iah".
>>Former members of the cult, some only recently deprogrammed, speak >>hesitantly of their former lives, including being forced to work >>20-hour days, and subsisting on Jolt and Twinkies. There were >>frequent lectures in which they were indoctrinated into a theory of >>"interpersonal computing" which rejects traditional roles.
>>Late-night vigils on Chesapeake Drive are taking their toll on >>federal marshals. Loud rock and roll, mostly Talking Heads, blares >>throughout the night. Some fear that Jobs will fulfill his own >>apocalyptic prophecies, a worry reinforced when the loudspeakers >>carry Jobs' own speeches -- typically beginning with a chilling "I >>want to welcome you to the 'Next World' ".
--------: Michael Leavy
25 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
1. You can enjoy a beer anytime of the month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football with the guys.
5. When a beer is flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
------> 7. HANGOVERS GO AWAY!
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer. 11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents. 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head. 15. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty. 16. A beer always goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you cum.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. 25. If you change beers, you won't have to pay alimony.
--------: "Musat, Bob" <@IBM4381.ONET.EDU:bmusat@oscs>
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles
BACKUP: Opposite of forward.
BASIC: A computer language used for generating errors.
BBS: Not `Class A' B.S.
BCD: Three of the first four letters of the alphabet.
BOARD: State of mind of a programmer's spouse.
BOOLEAN LOGIC: Your spouse's term for your reasoning.
BRANCH: Stick used for beating CPU's. If the stick is watered it may turn into a computer club.
BUBBLE MEMORY: Your spouse's nickname for you.
BUBBLE SORT: Your spouse's term for your friends.
BUG: Intercom system used in the Watergate complex.
BUS: Mode of transportation for programmers.
BYTE: A large NIBBLE.
C: The language of washed-up programmers.
CHIP:1. One California Highway Patrolman. 2. Used in computers, they come in four flavors: silicon, potato, chocolate, and buffalo.
CLOAD: Command to lockup the keyboard.
COMPUTER MAGAZINE: A place where computers store ammunition.
CONCATENATION: A convention of all the nation's domesticated felines. CPU: C3-PO's mother.
CRASH: Normal termination of a program.
CRT: See RT.
CSAVE: A command to write blank tapes.
DEBUG: Raid sprayed on the keyboard.
DEDICATED: A programmer trying to decode a string packed program. DIGITAL: Something done with fingers, as in checking computer mathematics. DIP: Inventor of a famous switch.
DISK DRIVE: A motor for a Frisbee.
DISK PACK: Six cans of fluid, used by disk drive technicians to improve their thinking.
DMA: Abbreviation for 'Direct Memory Access' also know as brain surgery. DOWNTIME: Slang for when a programmer is being realistic.
DUMP: Spouse's term for area around the computer.
--------: "Amy L. Ward"
> DOS: everybody pushes it till it glides, jumps on, and lets it coast > till it skids... then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc. >
> DOS w/QEMM: same as DOS but with more leg room to push.
> MAC: all the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, etc., > look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you > ask questions about details you are told you don't need to know, > don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without > knowing, so just shut up.
> OS/2: to get on board you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different > times by standing in 10 different lines; then you have to fill > out a form that states how you want your seating arrangement to > be--whether it should have the look and feel of an ocean liner, > a passenger train, or a bus. If you are successful in getting on > board and getting off the ground you have a wonderful, enjoyable > trip... except for times when the rudder and flaps freeze stuck, > in which case you have time to say your prayers and get your > personal things in order before you crash.
> Windows: nice colorful airport terminal, friendly stewards/stewardesses, > easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff.... then BOOM! > you blow up without any warning whatsoever.
> NT: everyone sits on the runway and forms the outline of a plane, then > they just sit there and go "PHHLLZZZSST" like they're flying. >
> Unix: everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to > the airport. Then they go out on the runway and piece it together, > all the time arguing about what kind of plane they are building. --------: KondrotasS
This Lithuanian farmer is plowing his field when his neighbor shows up. "Listen, Jonas, I'm sorry to tell you that, but I just feel like I have to. This guy, Petras, comes to your house every day and fucks your wife," the neighbor says.
Jonas, without stopping his work or even slowing down, "I know. But what kind of fucking is that when she always wants more afterwards?"
It sounds better when told in Lithuanian or Russian. The real meaning of the dumb farmer's words would be something like "you can't consider that serious work when somebody has to finish it after the one who started it". In those two mentioned languages (at least), just one word is enough to describe the condition. For those who know Russian, the punch line is: "Nu razve eto eblia kogda potom dojabyvatj nado?"
--------: Tyler Haulenbeek
A guy goes into a brothel, 'cause he wants a good lay. So he goes in, and the man at the desk says that he only has one room free. "Okay, I'll take it." The man at the desk gives the "client" the key to room 9, and says, "Do whatever you want, but leave the lights off, and before you shoot, pull out."
So, the guy goes to room 9, and just starts nailing the girl. He's just about to climax, and he says, "Fuck it. I'm just going to cum in her." So he shoots his load, and when he does, cum starts flying out of her belly button, her nose, her eyes, just everywhere.
The guy freaks out. He runs downstairs and tells the guy at the desk what happened...
"Oh, jeez..." says the guy at the desk. "Charlie, the dead one in room 9 needs emptying..."
--------: Prabhu Chandran
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
--------: Pedro Valdes
A boy half jew, half black asked his father:
- Dad, What am I?... more jew or more black??
- Why are you asking?, the father said.
- Well... you see, there is this boy that is selling a bicycle for $10.00 and I am trying to decide if should offer him $5.00 or steal it. --------: Rafael Lacaz Ruiz
There were three guys that got lost in the Pacific Ocean.
> Fortunately they landed on a small island...but they met a caniba > tribe. The three guys were: one brasileiro, one american and one > portuguese. At that time, the men of the tribe said:
> - Today we are quite angry. We`re gonna make boat with your
> but if you ask for us something we can't bring, you are free! > The american asked for the Statue of Liberty..in a few minutes there > was the Statue of Liberty ; they cut off the american's skin. > The brasileiro asked for the head of the president of Brasil...they > brought the head and killed the brasileiro , making boat with his skin too. When the portuguese spoke, he asked for a fork, just a small and stupid fork...nothing special...
- A fork? replied the people.
-Yes! Just a fork.
When they brought the fork, the portuguese picked the fork up and started making holes on his skin saying:
-Nobody is gonna make boat with my skin no longer...
--------: Ian Chai
I had told this joke:
> Witness: Well, I think...
> Lawyer: Don't think, just tell us what you saw.
> Witness: I'm sorry, I'm not a lawyer, I can't speak without > thinking.
--------: Giuliano Peritore
One man is driving downward an hill and meets two carabinieri who are going upward driving their car backward. He is impressed and asks: "Why are you driving backward ?" The answer is: "We are always prepared, infact if we get up and there is no place to turn, we are ready to go down." The men mubles and goes on his way.
Later on he is returning home and begins driving upward the hill when he meets again the two carabinieri coming down... driving still backward. "What's happened" he asks them. And they reply happily: "We had a lot of fortune. On the top of the hill we found a place to turn !"
Do you know why carabinieri keep a basin in their police car racks ? To keep there the siren !
-------: Theresa Muir
Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I do this!
Doctor: Don't do that!
--------: "Barbara J. Reynolds"
--------: hadwin@sg1.NoSubdomain.NoDomain (Mr M.A. Hadwin)
Two atoms walking down the street......
One turns to the other and says: ' Shit! I think I've lost an electron' The other one look back and replies: 'Are you sure?'
The other replies: 'Yeh, I'm positive!'
---------------------------------------------------------------- Steve Cohen - Soviet Anecdotes - As told on December 1, 1987 F.D.R. and Stalin met, and F.D.R. boasted that he was so popular in America that a book of jokes about him had been published. Stalin said, "That's nothing - I have 10 campfulls."
Living in Moscow in 1977, there was a report on the short-wave radio that some Soviet musician had defected in New York. The NEXT DAY, somebody said to me, "You know what a Soviet trio is? -- A Soviet quartet returning from New York."
Brezhnev was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again... "Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again: "Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."
A friend of mine once told me an anecdote, which I then told Gorfinkle over there, and Gorfinkle didn't think it was funny. The punch line of the anecdote - which had to do with life in the army - was that the Soviet privates were sent out to paint all the grass on the base green. I thought it was very funny. He didn't. I said, "Why don't you think it was funny," to which he replied, "because when I was in the army, we always painted the grass green."
There was a famous anecdote that the reason Brezhnev's speeches ran 6 hours is because he read not only the original, but the carbon copy. In fact, there was a report near the end of Brezhnev's life that he went down to south Russia to deliver a speech on science, and accidently gave the wrong speech - on culture - and didn't even know it until it was over.
It was decided to build in a Siberian town a statue of Lenin. The party boss told the monument factory to build a well-known, famous sculpture of Lenin. So the work commences - a statue of Lenin addressing the crowds will be made.
Later, the party boss returns as the work is being done, and he notices that Lenin lacked a hat.
"We can't have Comrade Lenin standing in the Siberian cold without a hat on him. Put one on his head."
"But, Comrade- " the sculptor started.
"No buts. Put a hat on him."
So came the day of unveiling - and there was Lenin, a hat on his head... and another one in his hand.
"Comrades, we have established beyond a doubt that it is possible to build socialism in one large country - like the Soviet Union. But is it possible to built it in a very small country, say, Switzerland."
"Of course it is - but what have you got against the Swiss?"
A man was arrested one night for running across Red Square yelling "Khrushchev is a fool! Khrushchev is a fool!"
He was arrested and given 10 years - 5 for slandering the leader, and 5 for revealing a state secret.
At the Olympics in the Soviet Union, Brezhnev started a speech at the opening ceremonies. He began as follows:
"Oh...." "Ooooo...." "Oh...." "Ooo...." "Ooohh."
until one of his advisors quietly pointed out that the Olympic symbol was not a part of the speech to read.
There were so many state funerals between 1982 and 1985 that when a guy approached Red Square for one of them, and the cops stopped him and asked if he had a pass, he replied, "Hell, I've got a season ticket!"
Is it true that the American capital people are on the edge of the abyss? - Yes, they are on the edge of the abyss, looking down to see how we live. --------: John Vogel
National Public Radio sent Scott Simon to Bosnia to cover the war. He did one piece on humor in Bosnia, much of which is black humor. Here are the one's I remember.
Cigarettes are in very short supply. A man had put the unsmoked half of his cigarette over his ear. He was running between buildings with a friend when a sniper opened up on them. He was hit a glancing blow which sheared off his ear. He stopped frantically in the middle of the street looking at the ground. His friend yelled,"Get under cover, you fool. You've got two ears." He replied, It's not the ear that is in question, it is the cigarette." --------: Weasel
Q. Why don't a woman's internal organs fall out of her vagina?
A. The vacuum in her head keeps them in.
--------: "Ajay K. Vachhani"
God made only a few perfect heads
The rest He covered with hair !
What did General deGaulle say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? Voila les elephants over the hill.
What did the elephants say to General deGaulle?
Nothing. Elephants don't speak French.
Why don't elephants ride busses during rush hour?
They're afraid of pickpockets.
What does an elephant smell like before it takes a shower?
And after? a wet elephant.
How do elephants see at night?
Not very well-- unless they take off their dark glasses.
How does an elephant get out of a phone booth?
Same way he got in.
If you're colorblind how do you tell an elephant from a grape?
Jump around on it for awhile. If you don't get wine, it's an elephant!
Outfoxing the Spelling Checker
They're know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special soft wear witch checks yore spelling. It is mower or lass a weigh too verify. How ever is can knot correct arrows inn punctuation ore usage: an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled rite. Four example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee past by the spell checker. And it wont catch the sentence fragment which you. Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot eliminated, it is still berry much reek wired.
--------: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center
I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it
I'm sure your pleased too no
It's letter perfect in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
--------: STACY BICHELMEYER
A cowboy went into a bar and saw a beautiful woman. He
immediately started buying her drinks. After a few drinks, he
finally got up enough nerve to ask her for a date.
"No, thanks." She replied. "I'm a lesbian."
"Huh?" said the cowboy "Whats a lesbian?"
"It means I like to suck tit and eat pussy."
The cowboy left and sat at a table in a corner, scratching his head and looking extremely confused. Pretty soon, a woman sat down beside him. Nervous, and at a loss for words, she said "I'm an aquarius. What are you?"
"Wuhl, I thought I wus a cowboy, but I guess I'm a lesbian!" --------: Wayne Torman
Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A: Because if they dragged them by their feet they filled up with dirt!!
Q. What's the difference between a woman yelling at you from the front porch and a dog barking at you from the back porch?
A. If you let the dog in, it'll SHUT UP.
The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere:
flood, fire, disease. St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very basic questions. Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too tired to continue.
"Pete, take a break and I'll do this for a while".
So Jesus takes over and asks each potential resident their name, occupation, and number of children, where applicable.
After a time, an old, feeble man appears before him.
"Your name sir?" asks Jesus
"I don't know" replies the man.
Again the old man replies that he doesn't recall.
"Number of children?"
"No clue" says the man.
Somewhat exasperated, Jesus starts anew. "Your name really isn't that important. However, your occupation is. Please concentrate sir; what did you do for a living, how did you gain your livlihood?"
The old man, lost in thought, slowly starts to piece it together. "Well" he says "I can recall working with my hands a lot. In fact, looking at the splinters in my palms, I'd have to say that I was a carpenter"
"Excellent and honorable occupation sir. Well done! Now for the next step: How many, if any, children did you have?"
Once again the old man furrows his brow and tries desperately to remember. After a long while he says "I'm almost sure I had one child and since I can't remember any dresses or dolls, I'm sure the child was a boy. And one more thing, this boy of mine was ostracized because he had holes in his hands, his feet, and his sides".
Finally piecing the story together, Jesus jumps to his feet, the ultimate realization of who he has encountered striking him like a bolt of lightning. With tears in his eyes, he yells "Father!!"
The old man, equally moved, rises and screams "Pinocchio!!"
--------: Roger Drake
My favorite halloween costume was someone dressed up as the Pope, wearing a sign: POPE JOHN PAUL george and ringo.
--------: Linda White
This paper has been sent to you for good luck.
The original has been worn out from having passed
through the hands of so many people. It had
travelled around the world 70 times
[Dear Reader: please help keep this count current.
If this letter falls into your hands after just completing
one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.]
The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you
send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must
make twenty copies and send them to others.
This is no joke. Send no money.
Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.
After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control
Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine
and had the longest series of ograsms of his life.
John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute, but, because he
broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead.
When they searched his home, they found magazines of
little boys which they showed to his neighbours.
In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an
unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate
the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine
gave him three condoms for the price of one.
(was this the consolation prize?)
Do note the following:
Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953.
He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send
them out. A few days later he encountered her in a
red-light district making more than he had
every paid her at work.
General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw
what he thought was a quarter in the street.
When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a
miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.
His aide, Colonel ger Bumswiver, who did not pass on
the letter, tried to pick up a similar object but was
fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when he bent over.
Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the
letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within
96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend
and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again,
he mailed twenty copies. A few days later he got
a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was
wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon
for all these years!
Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing,
threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot
coffee in his crotch.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas
was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize
that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself
she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it
aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including
herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her
futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar.
The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally
typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.
You must distribute at least twenty copies within 96 hours
of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love
lives more fulfilling.
Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with
--------: HOGNE SANDVIK
The french girl came home, sobbing because she was pregnant.
- Who is the father of the child? her father demanded.
- Well, he is the most famous man in France.
- What? The President?!
- No, father, the unknown soldier!
One Pole: Are the Russians our friends or our brothers?
Second Pole: I give up.
First Pole: Our brothers - you get to choose your friends.
Small boy: They were telling us at school about the difference between Socialism and Communism. How will we know when Socialism has been achieved, and we are in the state of true Communism.
Mother: When every family has a private plane.
Small buy: Wow! And what will we use ours for?
Mother: I was thinking if flying down to Kiev to see if they have any butter this week.
A man in Russia gets a ticket allowing him to buy a car. He sits down with the car dealer and picks out the basic car and then a few options. The car dealer says the car will be ready in ten years. The man wants to know if it will be ready in the morning or the afternoon. The car dealer is a bit surprised, "Why do you care? It's ten years away." "Well the plumber is coming in the morning."
Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that doesn't work, why then he can go to the opthalmologist. So a month later (Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureacracy) he is shown to the doc's office. The following dialogue ensues.
Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble? Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms.
Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear what I see!
At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains: "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism." --------: "Haussler, BJ."
This TRUE STORY from my secretary......Last week her mother was getting her usual "do" when her hairdresser relayed a previous-day experience: The hairdresser (owner) was getting ready to close up her shop when a man came in and asked if she could give him a "quick cut" before she closed. She agreed,and as she was trimming the guy's hair, he put his hand under the "cape" and the cape started moving. (She became somewhat uncomfortable.)
Then, the lady got REAL concerned when the man put his OTHER hand under the cape and the cape started moving MORE; she thought she was trimming the hair of a PERVERT. She then panicked, took a hairdryer and smashed the man up-side his head, causing him to black out on the floor........
The lady hurried and called 911, police came............only to find out
that the poor guy was JUST CLEANING HIS GLASSES!
Consider the story of the two octogenarians on a park bench. One asks the other:
"Do you believe in reincarnation?"
"Well, Joe," replies Harry, "I've never really thought much about it." tis
ng to go first. Le
t's agree that the one who is left behind will
come to this park bench every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m., and the one who has departed will find a way of getting a message to him at that time about reincarnation and all those other things that are beyond our ken."
One month later, Joe dies peacefully in his sleep. Every week for several months, Harry takes up his station at the park bench at 11:00 a.m.
Then one Wednesday, at the appointed hour, he hears a voice, as though from afar.
"Harry, Harry, can you hear me?" the voice says. "It's Joe."
"Joe, for heaven's sake, what is it like?"
"You wouldn't believe it, Harry, about the only thing you do up here is make love. They wake you up at seven in the morning and you make love until noon. After lunch and a nap, you're at it again right through until dinner time."
"Good gosh, Joe, what are you and where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Montana!"
--------: Ian Chai
Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to these oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.) In higher concentration e.g. about 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason for the delay is the difference in mechanism of the toxic effect of of oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is always fatal.
However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is the fact that it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
Concentrations higher than 20% decrease the above mentioned delay. High oxygen concentration provokes in prematurely born babies placed in incubators a condition known as retrolental fibroplasia resulting in blindness. Lung irritation has been reported on experimental animals exposed for several days to high oxygen concentrations.
Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All the fires that were reported in the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings in question.
Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and tasteless, so that its presence cannot be readily detected until it is too late.
--------: Mike Novak
>Doctor: You only have six months to live.
>Man: I can't pay the bill.
>Doctor: Allright, I'll give you another six months.
This reminded me of one of my favorite snipits from _The Simpsons_: Homer is talking with God(!) :
Homer: God, what is the meaning of life?
God: Oh Homer, I can't tell you that! You'll find out when you die. Homer: D'OH!! But I can't wait that long!
God: You can't wait six months?!
--------: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center
2:00 a.m. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
3:00 a.m. Leave for deep woods.
3:15 a.m. Arrive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 a.m. Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 a.m. Set up camp -- forgot the damn tent!
4:30 a.m. Head into the woods.
6:05 a.m. See a deer.
6:06 a.m. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m. Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 a.m. Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m. Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m. Realize you don't have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noon Fire gun for help -- eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m. Out of bullets -- 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m. Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m. Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m. Rescued.
12:55 p.m. Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 p.m. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 p.m. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 p.m. Arrive back at camp for bullets.
4:01 p.m. Load gun. Leave camp again.
5:00 p.m. Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 p.m. Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing at camp.
6:01 p.m. Load gun.
6:02 p.m. Fire gun.
6:03 p.m. Hit pick up.
6:06 p.m. Partner returns to camp dragging 6 point buck.
6:07 p.m. Suppress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:08 p.m. Fall into campfire.
6:10 p.m. Change clothes. Throw burned ones in fire.
6:16 p.m. Take pick up, leave partner and his deer in the woods. 6:25 p.m. Pick up boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 p.m. Begin walking.
6:35 p.m. Stumble and fall -- drop gun in mud.
6:40 p.m. Meet bear.
6:42 p.m. Fire gun, blow up barrel -- plugged with mud.
6:43 p.m. Wet pants.
6:44 p.m. Climb tree.
9:00 p.m. Bear departs. Wrap $@!%&^* gun around tree.
12:00 midn Home at last!
Sunday: Watch football game on T.V. slowly tearing hunting
license into little pieces. Place into envelope.
Mail to game warder with clever instruction on where to place it!
--------: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center
Comments: To: firstname.lastname@example.org
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
An 85 year old man enters the confessional and shouts to the
priest "Father, I just screwed a 19 year old woman." Noticing
the man's lack of proper confessional etiquette, the priest asks "My son, are you Catholic?" "No, Father, I'm not." he replied. "Then why are you telling me?" asked the priest. And the old
gentleman responded "I'm telling everyone."
* Illiterate? Write for free brochure..... *
* --Public Service Billboard *
--------: Keith Lingwall <@BANGATE.COMPAQ.COM:@NA=Hou:Keith=Lingwall@DSS> So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears
like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK, fork you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
--------: Bob Sanford
This man came home late one night after a bout of elbow-tipping and found that he was very hungry. He looked in the fridge and only found some sort of meat-like spread. He made a couple of sandwiches from it and found it to be delicious.
The next morning he asked his wife what that delicious concoction was that he had eaten. She said, "My God, that was dog food!"
He replied, "Well, get some more because I liked it so well."
She obliged. Now she is not only buying dog food for the dog but for her husband as well, who is gobbling it like there is no tomorrow.
Her grocer asks her one day about the amount of dog food that she is constantly buying. When she tells him that it is for her husband he says, "My good grief, that stuff will kill him!" She just shrugs and buys more dog food. Every time she comes into the store the grocer tells her that eating dog food will kill her hasband. She ignores him.
After a time, she comes into the store wearing a black dress and a veil. The grocer says, "See, I told you that eating all that dog food would kill your husband." She replies, "It wasn't the dog food that killed him. The damn fool was sitting a stool in the kitchen trying to lick himself and he fell off and broke his neck.
--------: Tom Perry
I had an uncle named Pierre that was from Baton Rouge. (Lots of people in that part of the country are named Pierre.) One day he was out on the bayou fishing and relaxing and thinking. As he gazed around his boat he noticed a stump about twelve or fifteen yards from shore that was sticking up out of the water. On the stump was a hickory nut.
When he glance over at the shore, he saw a little gray squirrel running up and down and eying the hickory nut. The squirrel knew that it couldn't swim out to the hickory nut because the alligators would get him. However, he really wanted that hickory nut. Finally it came upon a plan. It backed up about twenty feet and got a running start and jumped all the way to the stump and ate the delicious hickory nut.
After finishing its meal it began to realize that it had an entirely new problem. There was no way to get a running start from the stump and the squirrel could not otherwise make the jump of fifteen yards to shore. After a few hours it was getting hungry and cold and decided that drastic action was now necessary so it jumped as far as it could and tried to swim the rest of the way. But, alas, it was quickly eaten by the alligator.
Pierre watched this drama of nature and felt a tear come to his eye. At the same time he noticed a green claw come out of the water and put a new hickory nut on the stump.
--------: Wayne Torman
Q: What do you do if you find an epileptic in your bathtub?
A: Throw in your laundry!
--------: aw@CCDE-GW.CV.COM (Arnd Wussing)
Four golf addicts were playing golf one day as they had done most every chance they had over the past twenty years. On the twelfth hole, one of the golfing buddies keeled over dead of an apparent heart attack. Word quickly spread throughout the fairways of this tragic event. When the golfers reached the clubhouse, they were approached by another golfer who wanted to offer words of symphathy. He said "I heard about what happened out there - it must have been just awful." One of the three golfing buddies responded, "It was absolutely terrible - hit a shot, drag Charlie, hit another shot, drag Charlie."
Q. Why did God create Adam first? /\ /\
A. To give him a chance to say something. . .
A LESSON IN POLITICAL SCIENCE
SOCIALISM - You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else.
COMMUNISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you the milk.
FASCISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.
NAZISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one and pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach
Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.
"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?" The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I already speak Russian."
one day the phone ring in the doctor office. the doctor answered the phone Doctor : Hello
Guy : hello doctor, do you have a cotton?
Guy : put it in your asshole.
every day and the guy call and the doctor says the same thing, but after a month the doctor notice his mistake and goes to the police department and told them about the story the police man told him ok tell him you don't have cotton and the problem will be solved.
Doctor : hello
Guy : hi doctor, do you have cotton ?
Doctor: no (and he is happy since he got him)
Guy : ok doctor, you can take out from your asshole.
--------: HOGNE SANDVIK
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is Politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the Maid The Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night, awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: " Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
--------: Tom Rusk Vickery
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
In an argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once!
Always tell her she is beautiful, expecially if she is not.
[This one is my favorite]: It is better to copulate than never.
--------: WIM VERVEEN
Why did God steal a rib from Adam to create Eve?
To show that stealing leads to nothing.
--------: Derryck Lamptey
A man bought a horse at the shop, and these were the riding instructions:
GO = "Thank god"
STOP = "Oh, no"
So happily saying thank god, thank god, he rode off into the sunset, the horse gallopping faster at every utterance. SUDDENLY, there was a cliff edge, and his reins came apart ina his hands (just like in horror movies) and he could not stop the horse from charging over the cliff edge....
Seeing his impending death, his eyes bulging out with fear, he whispers: "Oh, no, dont let me die this way!!!". Upon which the horse comes to a screeching halt, a peckers* length from the edge of the cliff..
Waves of relief sweep over him, and he says "Thank god for that.."....
* 1 3/4 inches approximately..
Q. Why don't women fart as much as men? /\ /\
A. They don't keep their mouths closed long enough to . .
build up any back-pressure. /"\
--------: Alex Williams
There was a guy stuck in the desert he'd been there for months and months maybe a year. Well he hasn't had sex for ages and is really desperate then all of a sudden he sees a camel, he is so desperate that he would even have sex with a camel. Well he walks up behind the camel and puts down his back pack and is just about to lob it in when the camel moved. He then again walks over to the camel and trys again. The camel moves again. This goes on for about an hour or to when he comes across an oasis and he sees the most beautiful woman he has ever seen and she is tied naked to a tree. The woman says that she was captured by some Arabs and left there to die she then says that if he unties her she will do anything for him. The man thinks "Wow!" "This is my big chance" So he unties her and she says "Thank you how can I repay you?" The man replies "Could you hold this damn camel still?"
--------: Oesterlich Tapfer
The great Rabbi of a big city is a golf addict. He likes nothing like playing golf on a warm sunny afternoon. Unfortunately, on shabbat, he has to refrain himself. This is a big dilemma for his soul : the temp- tation to play golf, and the consciousness of doing wrong if he tries to do it on shabbat.
On a summer saturday afternoon, his soul is in dire straits : he was never so tempted of playing golf. The sky is blue, the grass is green, his clubs look at him with sardonic eyes (metaphor :-)) ... Finally, with great self-reproach and bad consciousness, he yields to
temptation. He puts a fake beard on, sun glasses, and goes to the tee.
As he does this, the Lord is in the sky, looking at him very angrily. The first Angel is at the Lord's side, protesting : "Lord, look at this great Rabbi who goes playing golf on shabbat ! This is shameful ! This is a disgrace ! This is a scandal ! You MUST do something !". God, in cold rage, answers : "Oh, don't worry, you bet I will do something." And on they look on earth ...
After a while, the Rabbi is about to shoot the first ball. He raises his club, and .... five hundred meters away, sends DIRECTLY THE BALL INTO THE HOLE !
The first Angel, astonished, looks at God : "What ... what are you doing ? This is the great Rabbi, playing golf on shabbat, which is a terrible sin, and you let him make the best shoot he ever did ... ?!?" To which the Lord answers : "Yes ... and to whom will he be telling it, eh ?"
--------: Andy Mavrias
> Q) Why do dogs lick their balls?
> A) Because they can!!!!!!
No, no - because they can't make a fist with their paws.
There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food
through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was
accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She
replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is
certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult." The Wolf said, "You now, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark
offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your
traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse, me I must be on my way."
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But,
because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."
From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way."
"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of
alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped. "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.
"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your
weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist!
Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"
When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.
--------: Rachel Dvoretzky
Q. What's the difference betewen a used tire and 365 used condoms?
A. One is a Goodyear. The other is a very good year.
--------: Alun Richards
Little Red Riding Hood goes as normal through the woods to see
her grandma. On the way she see some bushes move, and she
leaves the track. She parts the foliage and comes face to face with the wolf, who is squatting motionless. Little Red Riding
Hood begins "My, my, what Great Big Bulging eyes you have.."
The wolf yells "FUCK OFF I'M HAVING A SHIT".
--------: Harry Weis
A guy who lives in my neighborhood owns a german shepard that he lets run free at night. One night his dog comes back with a gift for his master - a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obvisously dead but it wasn't just any old rabbit, it was HIS neighbors pet rabbit named Bun Bun. Well, he didn't want to get blamed for his dog killing their rabbit so he uses the cover of darkness to sneak into their yard and put Bun Bun bach in her cage - in the hopes that they'll think Bun Bun died of natural causes. A month goes by and nothing happens so he thinks he got away with his trick. He then attends a block party where he overhears Bun Bun's owner talking to another lady where she states "There are some sick bastards in this world. Our rabbit died and somebody dug it up after we buried it and put it back in her cage." --------: Tony Fantillo
What not to name your dog
Everyone who owns a dog calls him Rover or Boy or some such common name. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, " I'd like one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand, I've had Sex since he was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a boy.
When I married and went on my honymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place is for Sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."
One da I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition started, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest. He said I should have sold my own tickets. "But, you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on television."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honour, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran away again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?" I said that I was looking for Sex.
--------: Sara Rummelhart
This guy is trying to pick up a nun on a bus. She freaks out and jumps off the bus at the next stop. At this point the bus driver turns to the guy and says" That was a fucking low thing to do,
mate. Have you no respect for holy orders?"
The guy says "Yeah but I've always wanted to fuck a nun. It's
always been my biggest fantasy to have sex with a nun."
The bus driver gives the guy a sly look and says "Well have I got something to tell you. That very nun that you tried to grope, on the last Friday of every month, goes up to the big tree on the hill overlooking town and begs for Jesus Christ to come to Earth to make love to her. All you have to do is wait in the trees disguised with a mask and tell her that you are Jesus Christ and you'll get to fuck her, no problem."
Our guy is in rapture just thinking about it and thanks the bus driver heartily.
On the last Friday of the month, this guy is up in the tree on top of the hill, wearing his robes and a mask. Sure enough, here comes this nun and she lies down beneath the tree and prays for her Lord Jesus Christ to come to Earth and make love to her. The guy hears his cue and leaps down and proclaims himself to be Jesus.
"Oh, my Lord" says the nun, "you have arrived during my time of the month. Will you use the less travelled route?" (For all you
fuckwits who don't know what's going on she just asked Jesus to fuck her up the arse)
"Not a problem at all" says the guy and proceeds to do a fine
impersonation of two Greek friends who haven't seen each other in a long time.
Just after this guy finishes the dirty deed, he leaps in the air and pulls off his mask and yells "Ha, it's me, the guy on the
The nun jumps up and pulls off her headpiece and yells " Ha,
it's me ... the bus driver!
--------: Serita Blankenship
So you want a day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks that account for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work, and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!!