Date: Mon, 18 Sep 1995 08:17:00 EDT

From: "Lynn, Jon"
Subject: The 16 reasons a modem is better than a woman.
>From the Humor Web:
1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.
2. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
3. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
4. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
5. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
6. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
7. A modem doesn't bitch if you sit and play with the computer all night long.
8. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes
9. A modem is flat on top - hence your beer won't fall over.
10. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
11. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command. 12. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor. 13. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.
14. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to
worry about.
15. Modems come with an instruction manual.
16. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 23:32:42 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: Thought for Wednesday, Sep 20, 1995

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

-Mary Ellen Kelly

Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Sep 19, 1995

No man knows his true character until he has: run out of gas,
purchased something on the installment plan, and raised an adolescent.

-Mercelene Cox

Subject: Thought for Friday, Sep 22, 1995

"Sexist expression. Avoid using Dame except as a British title" - Microsoft Word, when asked to check the grammar of
"I graduated from the University of Notre Dame."

-September 1995 Discovery (adapted)
Submitted by Nandakumar Sankaran

Date: Mon, 16 Oct 1995 13:11:20 +0600
From: Randall Woodman
Subject: Humor: If Microsoft Built Cars

The Top-n ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars. (drumroll,please...)

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year,instead of before.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept

4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a sec, it's that way NOW!

6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

9. We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out.

10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.

12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.

14. Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models.

Date: Sun, 29 Oct 1995 01:12:02 -0400
From: Jim Goldman
Subject: Can this marriage be saved?

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!' "

Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 23:26:07 -0800 (PST)
From: "Linda W. White"

Pithy Statements that I wish I made:

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain

When I was in high school, my friends would lay anything that moved. I choose not to limit myself.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. -- Woody Allen, on the KKK
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in _Life In Hell_ by Matt Groening

sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman... -- Woody Allen
I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way. -- Jessica Rabbit

Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come. -- Nietchze

I don't want to be immortal through my work. I want to be immortal through not dying. -- Woody Allen

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end---I shouldn't be at all surprised. -- Dorothy Parker

In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "ok, then forget it". -- Steven Wright

Sex is like poker....if you're no good at it, better have a great hand
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple

"I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name." -- Paula Poundstone

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing." -- Robert Benchley

"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat." -- P. J. O'Rourke

"Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." -- Woody Allen

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." -- Ronald Reagan

"Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?" -- Tom Stoppard, _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead_

"Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead."
-- James Thurber

"It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." -- Gore Vidal
"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'" -- Ronnie Shakes

"As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it." -- Dick Cavett

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." -- Last words of Pancho Villa

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?" -- Ronnie Shakes
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." -- Bertrand Russell
"I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them." -- H. L. Mencken

"I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave." -- E. M. Forster, as a small child

"In a mad world only the mad are sane." -- Akira Kurosawa

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." -- Bill Watterson, cartoonist

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." -- Orson Welles

"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written." -- Oscar Wilde

"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." -- Jerome K. Jerome

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" -- Jean Cocteau

"I think it would be a good idea." -- Mahatma Gandi (1869-1948) when asked what he thought of Western civilization

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell." -- Aldous Huxley
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." -- Truman Capote

"My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia." -- Dame Edna Everage

"Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." -- Lord Acton

"Power corrupts, but absolute power is really neat." -- John Lehman (Former Secretary of the U.S. Navy)

Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 23:33:19 -0800 (PST)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: Read the Manual!


Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:


We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:


The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.


The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.


Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.




INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.


Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.


Date: Thu, 14 Dec 1995 23:48:53 -0800 (PST)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: Thought for Thursday, Dec 07, 1995

Don't insult the gator till you cross the river.


Date: Thu, 7 Dec 1995 02:40:17 UT
Subject: How To Bake a Cake

How To Bake a Cake
Light oven. Get out bowl spoons and ingredients. Grease pan. Crack nuts. Remove 18 blocks and 7 toy autos from kitchen table. Measure 2 cups of flour. Remove Kelly's hands from flour. Wash flour off. Measure one more cup of flour to replace flour on floor. Put flour, baking powder and salt in a sifter. Get dustpan to brush up pieces of bowl Kelly knocked to floor. Get another bowl. Answer phone. Return. Take out greased pan. Remove pinch of salt from pan. Look for Kelly. Get another pan and grease it. Answer phone. Return to kitchen and find Kelly. Remove grimy hands from bowl. Wash off shortening. Take greased pan and find < inch of nutshells in it. Head for Kelly who flees, knocking bowl off table. Wash kitchen floor, wash table, wash walls, wash dishes, wash Kelly.

Call bakery.
Lie down.

Date: Fri, 8 Dec 1995 11:18:47 EDT
Subject: Why not to ordain men


1. Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as picking turnips or de-horning cattle. It would indeed be "unnatural" for them to do other forms of work. How can we argue with the intended order that is instituted and enforced by nature?

2. For men who have children, their duties as ministers might detract from their responsibilities as parents. Instead of teaching their children important life skills like how to make a wiener-roasting stick, they would be off at some committee meeting or preparing a sermon. Thus these unfortunate children of ordained men would almost certainly receive less attention from their male parent. Some couples might even go so far as to put their children into secular daycare centres to permit the man to fulfill his duties as a minister.

3. According to the Genesis account, men were created before women, presumably as a prototype. It is thus obvious that men represent an experiment, rather than the crowning achievement of creation.

4. Men are overly prone to violence. They are responsible for the vast majority of crime in our country, especially violent crime. Thus they would be poor role models, as well as being dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.

5. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was a man. Thus his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of the subordinate position that all men should take. The story also illustrates the natural tendency of all men to be either unwilling or unable to take a stand. From the Garden of Gethsemane to football locker rooms, men still have this habit of buckling under the weight of the lowest common denominator. It is expected that even ordained men would still embarrass themselves with their natural tendecy toward a pack mentality.

6. Jesus didn't ordain men. He didn't ordain any women either, but two wrongs don't make a right.

7. If men got ordained, then they wouldn't be satisfied with that; they'd want more and more power. Next thing most of the Conference leaders would be men and then where would we be? No. The line must be drawn clearly now before it's too late.

8. Many, if not most, men who seek to be ordained have been influenced by the radical "men's movement" (or "masculist movement"). How can they be good leaders if their loyalties are divided between leading a church and championing the masculist drive for men's rights? The tract writers haven't pronounced on it yet, but the masculist movement is probably profoundly un-Christian.

9. To be an ordained pastor is to nurture and strengthen a whole congregation. But these are not traditional male roles. Rather, throughout the history of Christianity, women have been considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more fervently attracted to it. Women, the myth goes, are fulfilled and completed only by their service to others. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination. But if men try to fit into this nurturing role, our young people might grow up with Role Confusion Syndrome, which could lead to such terrible traumas as the Questioning Tradition Syndrome.

10. Men can still be involved in Church activities, without having to be ordained. They can still take up the offering, shovel the sidewalk, and maybe even lead the singing on Fathers' Day. In other words, by confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the Church. Why should they feel left out? + 'New wine cannot be put into old wineskins, and new ways of + + being encountered by the Holy Spirit cannot be contained in old + + ways of perceiving.' -- Frank Griswold, Bishop of Chicago +
Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Dec 12, 1995

Please break the laws of the physical
universe for my convenience.

Date: Fri, 12 Jan 1996 23:54:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: MIT Students

>> Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991
>> The Best and Worst Comments Received
>> ====================================
>> "This class was a religious experience for me...
>> I had to take it all on faith."
>> "Text makes a satisfying thud' when dropped on the floor."
>> "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
>> "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
>> "Textbook is confusing...
>> Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
>> "Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awaken in another? >> That's the way I felt all term."
>> "In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it." >>
>> "Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."
>> "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. >> Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him." >>
>> "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
>> "In class the syllabus is more important than you are."
>> "I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his >> class."
>> "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
>> "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam >> material."
>> "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, >> where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever." >>
>> "He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized, >> presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I >> hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure." >>
>> "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. >> They've got a cool nest in the tree."
>> "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
>> "This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and >> Thursdays."
>> "Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class.
>> Then solidarity kicked in."
>> "Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."
>> "The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
>> "TA steadily improved throughout the course...
>> I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up." >>
>> "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose --
>> spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."
>> "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led >> Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets >> than I would have used the text."
>> "What's the quality of the text? Text is printed on high quality >> paper.'"

Date: Wed, 17 Jan 1996 11:43:55 -0800 (PST)
From: Medium-volume punny guy
Subject: Some Unix humor
Be warned that this is heavily laden with Unix. You might be better off deleting it if you don't have more than a passing knowledge of Unix. Received this yesterday from Padma Ramachandran. Hope at least some of you enjoy this one.

In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC - that is, the "Politically Correct."

Politically Correct UNIX

System VI Release notes

1) "man" pages are now called "person" pages.
2) Similarly, "hangman" is now the
3) To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is now merely "domestic_quadruped."
4) To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored. 5) The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by the more neutral "gendre" command.
6) The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
7) "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command. Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males) should be archived via "tar" and "feather".
8) The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command. 9) The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly "LaTeX".

1) To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been renamed "euthanise."
2) The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be "nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
3) "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory." 4) "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be strictly enforced.
5) The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."

1) From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as "exploitive capitalist text".
2) The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes will now be known as "spiritual guides."
3) There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
4) Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background.
5) For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the users. All system administration functions will be handled by the People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
6) No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned" by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users.
7) The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System. 8) And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively Challenged.

Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 11:38:57 +0900
From: Maurizio MORABITO
Subject: in the news

The Electronic Telegraph Thursday 18 January 1996 The Front Page
Boffins hunting ET cook their results

By Robert Uhlig, Technology Correspondent

AFTER spending a year scouring 200 solar systems for signs of
extra-terrestrial beings, astronomers have found indisputable proof of intelligent life - in the kitchen below their telescope.

For four months last year Peter Backus, of Project Phoenix in
California, believed that he was listening to messages from outer space via the 64-metre Parkes radio telescope in Australia.

The telescope, the biggest in the southern hemisphere, picked up a distinctive but inexplicable radio signal around 2.4 gigahertz at about the same time each evening that could not be explained.

However, a thorough investigation revealed that the scientists were not listening to little green men whispering through space. Instead, they were eavesdropping on frozen dinners cooking in the microwave oven downstairs.

"It was pretty loud," Dr Backus told the annual meeting of the
American Astronomical Society in San Antonio this week. "One time I tracked one signal for two hours. I couldn't rule it out as human noise," he said.

Project Phoenix researchers used a new automated system to sift human noise from alien signals, but still encountered several false alarms.
Many of the most promising signals were from satellites.

Another hopeful electromagnetic buzz came from the farthest possible source of human noise: the torch-strength transmitter on the side of the Pioneer 10 space probe, six billion miles from Earth.

Dr Backus said that just as he was about to tell colleagues that he had tracked down ET, he realised that the Parkes signal was
suspiciously linked to the town that gives the telescope its name in New South Wales.

He said that a note had since been stuck to the microwave asking staff not to use it while the telescope is operating.

Date: Fri, 19 Jan 1996 11:00:13 -0500
From: Jon Davidson
Subject: Re: hello

>Mon frere, je voudrais dire "allo". Yhis is my first e-mail message. I >thought
>of all folks, my brother should be the receipient (spelling)? George
Mein Brueder,
Well, text editing in e-mail is a pain; we'll have to work on that. But I agree that as your brother I should get your first e-mail.
Ever heard of Stephen Wright? Really bizarre, anti-social looking guy who would fit in with any university math department, except that he's a stand-up comic by trade. Here's a collection of his quotes I've assembled for your perusal (I get one automatically every day):

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Date: Tue, 23 Jan 96 08:49:09 -0500
"College" by DAVE BARRY

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.

* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells.
After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.
This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind,you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship existsbetween groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.

Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 20:39:01 -0800 (PST)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: Thought for Friday, Jan 12, 1996

The road to wisdom? Well, it's plain
and simple to express:
and err
and err again
but less
and less
and less.

Subject: Thought for Wednesday, Jan 17, 1996

A ship in harbor is safe--
but that is not what ships are for.

-John A. Shedd

Subject: cute sig

Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.

Subject: Thought for Friday, Jan 19, 1996

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Jan 16, 1996

The curtains are drawn-
but the rest of the furniture is real.

Date: Mon, 29 Jan 1996 12:26:57 EST
From: "P. Polcar"
Subject: ~~~File name: MAILOUT7.TXT

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.

"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued.

Date: Wed, 7 Feb 1996 14:56:51 -0500
From: (Stephen Girimont)
Subject: Re: AZ skies

With regards to your comment dreading the comming summer in Arizona, I was just in Phoenix this last weekend when a friend started to "console" me on the fact that I soon had to be getting back to Virginia with all its ice and snow. I mentioned something to the effect of "Yea, well, we'll be thinking about you come July."

He looked me right in the eye and said, "Just remember this: we don't SHOVEL heat!"

Date: Sun, 11 Feb 1996 02:00:00 -0500
From: Jim <>
Subject: The Good Samaritan
Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire.
Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage. Luckily, a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle. The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man. "Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"
"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before." "Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it." And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other. "Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"
"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris. The priest rolled the spare around to the strongman who casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.
"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.
"That's okay," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's cunt."
"Hmmm," mused Father Harris. "I'd better get the wrench."

Date: Sun, 18 Feb 1996 03:55:32 -0500
From: Jim <>
Subject: Drill Sergeant
The sergeant put his troops through a fancy drill, at the end of which they lined up three rows deep. Walking down the line, the sergeant stopped in front of each soldier, whacked him on the chest with his baton, and barked, "Did that hurt, soldier?"
"No, sir!" each replied.
"Why not?" yelled the sergeant.
"Because I'm in the U.S. Army, sir!"
Continuing on, the sergeant saw a huge penis sticking out of the line and proceeded to whack it with his baton.
"Did that hurt, soldier?" he boomed.
"No, sir!"
"And why not?"
"Because it belongs to the black guy behind me, sir!"

Date: Fri, 1 Mar 1996 06:10:06 -0800 (PST)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Feb 20, 1996

The difference between theory and practice in practice is
greater than the difference between theory and practice in theory.
Subject: Digital Dispatch Vol. 2 No. 8


This is the last list like this, we promise...


This list was obtained thanks to the following Web page (note-- the page might contain some objectionable words, so minors and
the easily offended will want to turn away):

Date: Mon, 26 Feb 1996 12:41:21 -0600
Subject: At Midnight

Last night :
"I wake up in the middle of the night, and go to the bathroom,
I open the door and the bathroom's light goes on itself,
after done my human need, while I close the door, the light goes down itself again,
and meanwhile return to my bed, a thought appear in my mind,
supernatural event?
magic light?
X-files affairs?

or..... did I pee in my fridge?

Date: Sun, 10 Mar 1996 21:32:32 -0500 (EST)
From: Jack Warner
Subject: New Element Discovered

News Release: New Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have:
1 neutron.
125 assistant neutrons
75 vice-neutrons
111 assistant vice-neutrons

This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratum causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have normally occured in less than one second.

Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

From: "Linda W. White"
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 1996 14:57:01 -0500
Subject: Words of Wisdom (forward)

>"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in >another
> city."
>>"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the >>law."
>> - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he >> failed to pay his taxes.
>>"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits." >> - Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer >> questions about the House Bank scandal.
>>"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a >>speech."
>> - Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush >>wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no >loss of
>>"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. >> They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with >>their heads in a nodding position."
>> - John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, >> responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector >>that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job. >>
>>"I didn't accept it. I received it."
>> - Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, >explaining
>>the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese >journalists
>>after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First >Lady Nancy
>>"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I >>was flying made what I was doing spying."
>> - Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets >>for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US
>>"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the >>tapes."
>> - President Richard Nixon
>>"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of >> your life."
>> - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a >> federal anti-smoking campaign
>>"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." >> - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward >>
>>"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, >>especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
>> - Vice-President Dan Quayle
>>"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates >>in the country."
>> - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
>>"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of >>something else anyway."
>> - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on >>chlordane
>>Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
>> - Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV >> commentator
>>"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
>> discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you >> expired on January 1, 1976."
>> - Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
>>"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this >> century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in >> this century."
>> - Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential >>candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his >opinion of the
>>"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
>> - John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an >>early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar" >>
>>"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
>> - Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
>>"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make >>them unsafe."
>> - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
>>"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly >> underpolluted."
>> - Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining >>why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
>>"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death >> penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; >> hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." >> - Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
>>"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, >>the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment >of David
>>Steele to the post."
>> - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode >>Island
>>"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
>> - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a >> ball in the 1934 World Series

From: "Linda W. White"
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 1996 14:57:01 -0500
Subject: Words of Wisdom (forward)

>"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in >another
> city."
>____________________________________________________________________________ >
>> Words Of Wisdom
>> ---------------
>>"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the >>law."
>> - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he >> failed to pay his taxes.
>>"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits." >> - Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer >> questions about the House Bank scandal.
>>"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a >>speech."
>> - Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush >>wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no >loss of
>>"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. >> They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with >>their heads in a nodding position."
>> - John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, >> responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector >>that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job. >>
>>"I didn't accept it. I received it."
>> - Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, >explaining
>>the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese >journalists
>>after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First >Lady Nancy
>>"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I >>was flying made what I was doing spying."
>> - Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets >>for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US
>>"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the >>tapes."
>> - President Richard Nixon
>>"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of >> your life."
>> - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a >> federal anti-smoking campaign
>>"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." >> - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward >>
>>"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, >>especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
>> - Vice-President Dan Quayle
>>"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates >>in the country."
>> - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
>>"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of >>something else anyway."
>> - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on >>chlordane
>>Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
>> - Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV >> commentator
>>"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
>> discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you >> expired on January 1, 1976."
>> - Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
>>"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this >> century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in >> this century."
>> - Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential >>candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his >opinion of the
>>"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
>> - John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an >>early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar" >>
>>"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
>> - Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
>>"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make >>them unsafe."
>> - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
>>"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly >> underpolluted."
>> - Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining >>why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
>>"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death >> penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; >> hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." >> - Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
>>"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, >>the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment >of David
>>Steele to the post."
>> - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode >>Island
>>"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
>> - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a >> ball in the 1934 World Series

Date: Thu, 28 Mar 1996 19:26:19 -0800 (PST)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: jokes

BYE, BYE BIRDIES: Scotland Yard is investigating reports of thefts from London's Trafalgar Square. It's not the monuments that are at risk, but the pigeons -- locals say two men have taken at least 1,000 pigeons away in boxes in recent months. Police think the birds are ending up on restaurant tables. Locals are worried the diminishing bird population will cut down on the tourist trade. According to Bernard Rayner, who sells bird seed to the tourists to feed the birds, "Trafalgar Square is the only place in the country you can get a wild animal to sit on your head." (AP) ...Which is exactly why some tourists refuse to go there.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING? Police in St. Petersburg, Fla., were surprised when a handcuffed shoplifting suspect they had brought to the station jumped into a patrol car and drove off. Officers decided not to chase after him -- "We just didn't feel there was a need to endanger the public over something like this," a spokesman said. The car was found 100 blocks away a few hours later. But Anastasios Balodimas, 29, was free less than 24 hours. He was arrested the next day, as the suspect in another shoplifting case. He was charged with grand theft and resisting arrest. (AP) ...Can't blame him too much -- he still needed a few things.

TWO-TIME LOSER II: Vincent Santana, in a Los Angeles jail on charges of lewd conduct and making obscene phone calls, was found to be using a public phone in the jail to make harassing phone calls. Police say the calls started within days of Santana's incarceration, and as many as 200 calls were made from the jail phone in the last several months. (Pasadena [Calif.] Star-News) ...Where did he get all the quarters?

VACATION SCENERY: Two American men vacationing in the Czech Republic fought with an armed intruder in the apartment where they were staying. Frank Pond, 46, of Chicago and Don Royse, 63, of St. Louis tackled the man and tried to knock him unconscious with the butt of his gun. When that was unsuccessful, the two sat on him until police arrived to take care of the matter. It turns out the man was Ladislav Winkelbauer, the country's most wanted man after his escape from prison. "It's a vacation we'll never forget," Royse said. "I've never seen a gun that closely before." (Reuter) ...The Czechs probably had a hard time believing there are American men who never handled guns before.

YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER: Four Chicago men by the name of Eric Thompson are upset with a local adoption agency over a letter each received. "You have been named as the father of an unborn baby," each letter said, and "the law requires that the agency make diligent efforts to locate and notify the child's father" of the baby's pending adoption. At least one of the men opened the letter in front of his wife. "All I could say was, `I don't know what this is. Honest.' Well, what do you think a wife thinks when she hears that?" The Children's Home and Aid Society is "rethinking its strategy" in such cases, and admits such letters have been sent to as many as 60 men with a common name. In the recent case, none of the four Eric Thompsons was the 19-year-old father being sought. (AP) ...If Mr. Thompson thinks he had a hard time explaining to his wife, he should talk to Father Thompson at St. Mary's.

POSTER GIRL: Marina Ripa di Meana, an Italian marchioness who likes to go out on a limb in support of liberal causes, was previously known for putting up a banner at a party last summer at the French embassy protesting France's nuclear bomb testing. Now, she has posed for a billboard for the Italian International Animal Welfare Fund to campaign against using animals for fur. The advertisement shows the 52-year-old in a full-frontal nude pose; the caption by her pubic hair notes that it is "The only fur I'm not ashamed to wear." (Reuter) ...The tough part is putting it in cold storage for the winter.

BEAM HER UP: Barbara Adams has been dismissed as an alternate juror in the Whitewater fraud trial in Little Rock, Ark. She violated the judge's gag order and talked to the media -- not about the case, but about her daily attire: a Star Trek uniform, complete with phaser, tricorder and communicator. She says she wants to promote the TV show and its ideals of inclusion, tolerance and peace. "If it helps to make people think a little bit more what those ideals are, then I'll keep wearing this uniform," she said. (AP) ...People wear baseball caps every day, but they probably don't inspire others to make $30 million per year playing ball.

LIFE AFTER DEATH: "California Recalls Own Massacre" -- AP headline
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 1996 19:34:09 -0800 (PST)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: another joke

(For all of us lonely people searching for love.)

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as
swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who
has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is
interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex
more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less
often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in

NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with
him than just intercourse.

Date: Sun, 31 Mar 1996 00:33:02 -0500
From: Jim <>
Subject: A hairy situation

A young man was spending the night at the apartment of a married couple of his acquaintance. Since they had no couch, the couple decided to share their bed with their guest, and they all retired early.
It wasn't long afterwards that the wife whispered in the young man's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's butt; if he's asleep we can make love." The young man did as instructed, and after getting no response from the husband, he proceeded to make it with the wife. Not feeling completely satisfied, the wife proceeded to propose the same course of action a second time, and later a third time, and the young man was more than willing to oblige.
Finally the husband rolled over and said wearily, "Listen, it's bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?"

Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 14:40:59 -0800 (PST)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: Thought for Wednesday, Mar 13, 1996

Top 10 Ways America would be Different with Bill Gates as President -------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Millions of taxpaying nerds would line up outside post offices around the country at 12:01 a.m, on January 1st to be the first ones to mail in their 1040 forms to pay for America '97.

9. Crime would be eliminated. Instead, criminal acts would be renamed "General Public Faults" with no one having to accept any responsibility for them.

8. Government policies that are bloated, difficult to implement and manage, and simply unable to function for many people under certain circumstances would be hailed by the national press as "forward thinking" and the "next generation" in government service.

7. No reason to worry about the leader of the western world becoming embroiled in an embarrassing sex scandal. Absolutely no reason.
6. By executive order, the letters "O" and "S" and the number "2" could *never* be the sponsors of "Sesame Street" on PBS.

5. Crisis intervention hotlines would be converted to 900 numbers with pay-by-the-minute support (major credit cards accepted) and staffed by well-meaning people who haven't got a clue.

4. SPA auditors replaced by the auditor candidates rejected by the IRS as being "too bloodthirsty" and "without compassion."

3. U.S. Treasury bonds would suddenly escalate in value and continue to grow in spite of market conditions, contrary to all known economic laws and to the bewilderment of experts.

2. Emerging democracies around the world would be systematically, surreptitiously, and relentlessly bullied into submission by unfair trading practices and then annexed by the U.S. for next to nothing.

1. "Whitewater"? Get ready for "white skin"!

Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 20:22:57 -0800 (PST)
Subject: April Fool, part2

>The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and >International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who >introduces the story swears it's true.
>FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that >was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of >reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked >up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a >nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for >his
>The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the >FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. >
>Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of >soda.
>Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
>Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
>Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
>Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
>Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
>Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
>Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
>Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front >doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to >the
>service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
>Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
>Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
>Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? >
>Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. >
>Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
>Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
>Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
>Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to >bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have >the front doors locked.
>Pizza Man: I don't think so.

Subject: Thought for Wednesday, Apr 3, 1996 [via LSMTP - see]
First Law of Political Campaigns:

If there are twelve clowns in a ring,
you can jump in the middle and start
reciting Shakespeare, but to the audience, you'll just be the thirteenth clown.

-Adam Walinsky

Date: Tue, 09 Apr 1996 14:44:13 +0200
From: "Jiri Th.Macur"
Subject: spell

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them
ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Date: Sat, 13 Apr 1996 02:40:29 -0700
From: Low-volume punny guy
Subject: Language Purity

The History of the English Language, by Owen Alun and Brendan O'Corraidhe
In the beginning there was an island off the coast of Europe. It had no name, for the natives had no language, only a collection of grunts and gestures that roughly translated to "Hey!", "Gimme!", and "Pardon me, but would you happen to have any woad?"

Then the Romans invaded it and called it Britain, because the natives were "blue, nasty, br(u->i)tish and short." This was the start of the importance of u (and its mispronounciation) to the language. After building some roads, killing off some of the nasty little blue people and walling up the rest, the Romans left, taking the language
instruction manual with them.

The British were bored so they invited the barbarians to come over (under Hengist) and "Horsa" 'round a bit. The Angles, Saxons, and Jutes brought slightly more refined vocal noises.

All of the vocal sounds of this primitive language were onomatapoeic, being derived from the sounds of battle. Consonants were derived from the sounds of weapons striking a foe. "Sss" and "th" for example are the sounds of a draw cut, "k" is the sound of a solidly landed axe blow, "b", "d", are the sounds of a head dropping onto rock and sod respectively, and "gl" is the sound of a body splashing into a bog. Vowels (which were either gargles in the back of the throat or sharp exhalations) were derived from the sounds the foe himself made when struck.

The barbarians had so much fun that decided to stay for post-revel. The British, finding that they had lost future use of the site, moved into the hills to the west and called themselves Welsh.

The Irish, having heard about language from Patrick, came over to investigate. When they saw the shiny vowels, they pried them loose and took them home. They then raided Wales and stole both their cattle and their vowels, so the poor Welsh had to make do with sheep and
consonants. ("Old Ap Ivor hadde a farm, L Y L Y W! And on that farm he hadde somme gees. With a dd dd here and a dd dd there...")

To prevent future raids, the Welsh started calling themselves "Cymry" and gave even longer names to their villages. They figured if no one could pronounce the name of their people or the names of their towns, then no one would visit them. (The success of the tactic is
demonstrated still today. How many travel agents have YOU heard suggest a visit to scenic Llyddumlmunnyddthllywddu?)

Meantime, the Irish brought all the shiny new vowels home to Erin. But of course they didn't know that there was once an instruction manual for them, so they scattered the vowels throughout the language purely as ornaments. Most of the new vowels were not pronounced, and those that were were pronounced differently depending on which kind of consonant they were either preceding or following.

The Danes came over and saw the pretty vowels bedecking all the Irish words. "Ooooh!" they said. They raided Ireland and brought the vowels back home with them. But the Vikings couldn't keep track of all the Irish rules so they simply pronounced all the vowels "oouuoo."

In the meantime, the French had invaded Britain, which was populated by descendants of the Germanic Angles, Saxons, and Jutes. After a generation or two, the people were speaking German with a French accent and calling it English. Then the Danes invaded again, crying "Oouuoo! Oouuoo!," burning abbeys, and trading with the townspeople.

The Britons that the Romans hadn't killed intermarried with visiting Irish and became Scots. Against the advice of their travel agents, they descided to visit Wales. (The Scots couldn't read the signposts that said, "This way to LLyddyllwwyddymmllwylldd," but they could smell sheep a league away.) The Scots took the sheep home with them and made some of them into haggis. What they made with the others we won't say, but Scots are known to this day for having hairy legs.

The former Welsh, being totally bereft, moved down out of the hills and into London. Because they were the only people in the Islands who played flutes instead of bagpipes, they were called Tooters. This made them very popular. In short order, Henry Tooter got elected King and begin popularizing ornate, unflattering clothing.

Soon, everybody was wearing ornate, unflattering clothing, playing the flute, speaking German with a French accent, pronouncing all their vowels "oouuoo" (which was fairly easy given the French accent), and making lots of money in the wool trade. Because they were rich, people smiled more (remember, at this time, "Beowulf" and "Canterbury Tales" were the only tabloids, and gave generally favorable reviews even to Danes). And since it is next to impossible to keep your vowels in the back of your throat (even if you do speak German with a French accent) while smiling and saying "oouuoo" (try it, you'll see what I mean), the Great Vowel Shift came about and transformed the English language.
The very richest had their vowels shifted right out in front of their teeth. They settled in Manchester and later in Boston.

There were a few poor souls who, cut off from the economic prosperity of the wool trade, continued to swallow their vowels. They wandered the countryside in misery and despair until they came to the docks of London, where their dialect devolved into the incomprehensible language known as Cockney. Later, it was taken overseas and further brutalized by merging it with Dutch and Italian to create Brooklynese.

Thanks to Eric Yost.

Date: Wed, 17 Apr 1996 19:37:37 +0200 (MET DST)
From: Jiri Grygar
Subject: Humor US-made

Someone was asked by McDonnell Douglas to remove this from his humor web page. Seems like a good reason to see that it spreads far and wide. Enjoy.

M M DDDD ll ll
MM MM D D l l
M M M M D D l l
M M M ccc D D ooo n nn n nn eee l l
M M c c D D o o nn n nn n e e l l
M M c D D o o n n n n eeeee l l
M M c c D D o o n n n n e l l
M M ccc DDDD ooo n n n n eee lll lll

D D l
D D l aaa
D D ooo u u ggg l a ssss
D D o o u u g g l aa a s
D D o o u u g g l a aa sss
D D o o u uu g gg l a a s
DDDD ooo uu u gg g lll aaa a ssss


Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other
First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________
Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-19A Stealth _Classified
3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________
4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Recommended by salesperson
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Middle East
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase
Color TV
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:

_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler's Check

12. Occupation You Your Spouse

Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Default on Loans
Black Market/Smuggling
Watching Sports on TV
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500

Date: Tue, 16 Apr 1996 23:29:39 -0700 (PDT)
From: Gregory Gunn
Subject: *** Steven Wright Jokes (I)

~~~~o00o~(,,)~o00o~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ () DISTRIBUTED BY: "THE INTERNET FUNNYBONE"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Hello everyone ... This file is pretty long so I split it in half. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to
reminisce with people I don't know ... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a
submarine that's been hit ... And when I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my
car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'

I lost a button hole today.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini
locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I met a beautiful woman the other day at Macy's. She was
shopping ... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator.

When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the
backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually.....

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real fast...

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got
pretty good... He could go under a rug...

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across
the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."

Last year we drove across the country... We decided to split up the driving ... so we switched places ... every half mile. We
had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was...

He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
put batteries in...

I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again...

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the
study of milkmen.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the
whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A
policeman stopped me for going to fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I
want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How
long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar
has no 'seven's on it."

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out...

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running... [slow glance upward]

This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it]...gutter...
It took me 4 years to write that joke .... I didn't know how to word it...

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
I have a switch in my doesn't do
anything......Every once in a while, I turn it on and
off......One day I got a call...... it was from a woman in
Germany.......she said "Cut it out"......

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the
ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.

Fred, Barney...

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me...I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said 'Hi, where you going?' He said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in
downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with.' So we got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang.
He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 'Hello?'...the
other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'...I said 'Yes...' The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
university you attended said that they recieved none of the
$17,000 we loaned you...we would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Judas Casey. He used it to build a nuclear weapon and I would really appreciate it if you
would stop calling me.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark til he was eight years old.

I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want to work for you then'.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you
sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a
flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly].........and says 'Here,
you can go.'

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I like to torture my plants ... so I water them with ice cubes.
I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got
cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. I was
supposed to be 80 degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.'

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were
broadcast all over the world.

I went fishing with a dotted line....I caught every other fish.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms I never have to go upstairs.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in

I had a dream the other night that all the babies prevented by
the Pill suddenly showed up....boy, were they pissed!

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said 'Hello?'
and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'...they said, 'Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old.' I said, 'I'll wait...'
Right now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said 'Hey, you have two different colored socks on.' I said 'Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.' ...

... Then she said, 'How do you feel?' And I said, 'Well, you
know when you're rocking back in a chair, and you go so far
that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.'

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that
means it's going to be up all night.

Date: Thu, 18 Apr 1996 21:04:31 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: Experience

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is

A young man came to interview a bank president.
"Tell me, Sir, how did you become so successful?"
"Two words."
"And what are they, Sir?"
"Right decisions."
"How do you make right decisions?"
"One word...experience."
"And how do you get experience?"
"Two words."
"And what are they?"
"Wrong decisions!"

Subject: Thought for Wednesday, Apr 17, 1996

Please don't
ring doorbell.

-Ivan Pavlov

Subject: funny definition

HANGOVER: The wrath of grapes.
JACKET BLURB: Fable of contents.
ALIMONY: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
SNEEZING: Much achoo about nothing.
SUNBATHER: A fry in the ointment.

Subject: april fools

This was posted in gnu.announce and thought people might get a kick out of it:

In what is likely to be hailed as a landmark of the computer industry, Richard Stallman, of the Free Software Foundation, and Bill Gates, of Microsoft, announced that they would be concluding a merger within a year, setting a target date of April 1st, 1997.

"It's all been a horrible misunderstanding", says Stallman, a long time advocate of free software.

"It's really just a semantic thing", says Gates. "We call software free when the vendor has to bundle it with the machine and swallow the expense, or they don't get sales. Stallman calls it free when the vendor can't bundle it with the machine and pass the expenses on to you. It really comes down to the same thing, and that's market share."

The first visible products of this merger will be "Hurd '97", to be released by 3Q1998, and "Hello '96", which will be a replacement product for Windows For Workgroups. Gates comments, "the mail reader is brilliant; I wish we'd had these people with us all along."

The two met inside Westminster Cathedral, where they embraced, and called each other "anathema", the Latin for "brother".

Subject: You may be an engineer


If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar
4. Chocolate

Date: Fri, 5 Apr 1996 12:27:53 EST
From: "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: What I learned in college

Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

A day without sunshine is like night.

ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?

College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
-- Steven King, 3/8/90

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow

He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!

If you had everything, where would you keep it?

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the
occasional division by zero.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be
thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker

To err is human, to moo bovine.

ON EXPLANATION OF THE END "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth

The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh

Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Apr 1996 21:55:33 UT
From: "D. S. Paull"
Subject: Vending Machine

A man put a coin in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear. One nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's real automation! he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 Apr 1996 08:21:40 -0500
From: "John M. Scheer"
Subject: Have We Gone Too Far

Once upon a time in a far-away country, there lived a little girl called Red Riding Hood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fruit to her Grandmother, who had been ill and lived alone in a cottage in the forest.
It happened that a wolf was lurking in the bushes and overheard the conversation. He decided to take a short-cut to the grandmother's house and get the goodies for himself. The wolf killed the grandmother, then dressed in her nightgown and jumped into bed to await the little girl.

When she arrived, he made several nasty suggestions and then tried to grab her. But, by this time, the child was very frightened and ran screaming from the cottage.

A woodcutter, working nearby, heard her cries and rushed to the rescue. He killed the wolf with his ax, thereby saving Red Riding Hood's life. All the townspeople hurried to the scene and proclaimed the woodcutter a hero.
But, at the inquest, several facts emerged:

1. The wolf had never been advised of his rights.

2. The woodcutter had made no warning swings before striking the final blow.
3. The Civil Liberties Union stressed the point that, although the act of eating Grandma may have been in bad taste, the wolf was only "doing his thing" and thus didn't deserve the death penalty.

4. The SDS (Students for a Democratic Society -- a radical group from the 1960s) contended that the killing of the grandmother should be considered self-defense since she was over 30 and, therefore, couldn't be taken seriously because the wolf was trying to make love, not war.

Based on these considerations, it was decided there was no valid basis for charges against the wolf. Moreover, the woodcutter was indicted for unaggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Several nights later, the woodcutter's cottage was burned to the ground.

One year from the date of "The Incident At Grandma's," her cottage was made a shrine for the wolf who had bled and died there. All the village officials spoke at the dedication, but it was Red Riding Hood who gave the most touching tribute. She said that, while she had been selfishly grateful for the woodcutter's intervention, she realized in retrospect that he had overreacted. As she knelt and placed a wreath in honor of the brave wolf, there wasn't a dry eye in the whole forest.

[NOTE: This piece of humor is originally attributed to Gene Martin, Chief of Police, Pecos City, Texas. I believe it dates from the mid- to late-1960s.] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 7 Apr 1996 16:44:19 -0400
From: Jerry Alan Cole
Subject: Higher Ed. {not offensive} & The Love Boat {suggestive}
I just received a degree in metal working to go along with my Veterinarian degree. So if you ever need to have your pets welded, I'm the guy to call.
My girlfriend just got a job on The Love Boat as the new activities director. Of course, she had to join the maritime workers union. Being a new member, they had to give her the lowest ranking in the union. That ranking is called a "Seaman Wiper". I expect her to get promoted very quickly - she swallows.
Date: Mon, 8 Apr 1996 05:09:00 PDT
From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri"
Subject: Making a connection {long, off. to 'Net weenies}

From my good friend Sathyakama Sandilya
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. He decided that he had to make the best of it.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had eer seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the seabreeze gave her an almost ethereal being. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "where did you come from, how did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did.

"Well then", said the man, how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?" At this man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"
"No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada do?

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" No, the man replied, I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a mans razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.. "You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship." You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need.Something that it would be really nice to have right now.

"Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, tell me: "Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
Date: Mon, 8 Apr 1996 15:17:02 -0500
From: Karen Marie Strom
Subject: Good Friends

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt is at the bus stop. When the bus arrives and the doors open she tries to climb the steps. However, her skirt is too tight and her legs can't move. So she reaches behind her and undoes her zipper.
She tries to step up again, and still can't, so she reaches behind again and plays with the zipper. She tries to climb the steps again...still no luck. So as she's reaching behind again, a pair of strong hands pick her up and place her on the top step.

"What do you think you're doing?", she asks the guy behind her.
"Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!"
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 1996 09:31:29 +2GMT
From: George Anagnostopoulos
Subject: USA: Crazy Laws

This was forwarded to me by a friend. Enjoy...

*** ***

From the SPY magazine of June '95, some of the strangest laws in the states:
- A recently passed antcrime law requires criminals to give
their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed...
- In Lefors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer at any time while standing...
- In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or
respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands....

- Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed....
- In Saratoga, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit...
- It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway...
- In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women...
- In L.A. a man can legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than two inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.....
- It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license....
- A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs
to her husband....

- A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once
a month...
- Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the
streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term....

- Birds have the right of way on all highways...
- A husband is responsible for every criminal act commited by his wife while she is in his presence...

- In Halethrope, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second... - It is illegal to mistreat oysters....
- In Baltimore it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they get....

New York
- In NYC it is illegal for a man to turn around and look "at a woman in that way", and violators are forced to wear horse blinders...

- It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish...
- In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date... - In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists"....

- In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep....

Rhode Island
- In Province it is illegal to sell toothpaste ands toothbrush to the same] customer on a Sunday....
- In Neewport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset....

- Whale hunting is strictly forbidden throughout the entire state... - In Tulsa, kisses lasing more than three minutes are forbidden...
- In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms...
- In Boston it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so....
- In 1659, the State outlawed Christmas...
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 1996 14:34:44 -0400
From: James Bologna
Subject: Humor:A guide to PC...

PC PRIMER by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw (two self-described Clinton- Democrats; so this is humor, not some nuts venting their anger because they're losers).

PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.
Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.

Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty.

If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.

It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.

That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 1996 07:04:44 -0400
From: Harold Russell
Subject: A Beating {offensive to some Irish & offensive words}

Sean O'Leery was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', O'Leery," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old pal Reilly any more?"
Sean stared at Reilly, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plasters. One arm was in a cast and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried O'Leery. "Was ye hit by a train, Reilly, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?"
"It could have been both," said Reilly, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with McClatchy's wife and McClatchy himself comes in with a mamoth huge shillelagh in his hand and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."
"He did indade," said O'Leery. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Reilly, me boy. Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"
"Only Mrs. McClatchy's ass," said Reilly. "Tis a thing of beauty in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight." Patrick's Phunny Page
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 1996 09:00:29 -0700
From: Robert Oshinsky
Subject: How to catch... {poss. slight offensive to women}

One morning a son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire. His father said, "Son, where are you going?"

The son replied, "I'm going to catch me some chickens."

The father said, "Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire."
But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, "I guess he knows what he's doing."

The next morning, the son got up with some duck tape. The father said, "Son, where are you going?"

The son replied, "I'm going to catch some ducks."

The father yelled, "YOU CAN'T CATCH DUCKS WITH DUCK TAPE!!!" The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, "Damn, I guess he does know what he's doing!!"

The next morning the son got up with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, "Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!"
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 1996 11:23:20 -0400
From: John Holton
Subject: Another elevator joke (suggestive and a bit gross)

My wife heard this one on Comedy Central:

A man gets on an elevator and there's an attractive young woman already on board. As the elevator door closes and the elevator starts moving, the young woman turns to the man and says "can I smell your balls?"

"Certainly not!" he said, indignantly.

"Oh, then it must be your feet."
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 1996 16:06:12 -0400
From: 2Lt Gwen Eckman
Subject: Top 25 Reasons that Hockey is Better than Sex


25. It's ok to bleed during play.
24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time out.
23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from. 22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.
21. You can still play when you get married.
20. You can change on the fly.
19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.
18. If you can't get it up, who cares?
17. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over. 16. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at!
15. It is broadcast live on TV.
14. Everyone can shoot at the same goal.
13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing!
12. Because of the facemask, nothing can get in your eyes!
11. You always know how big the stick is
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
9. The puck is always hard.
8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even
have to wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. Periods only last 20 minutes.
3. You can count on it at least twice a week, 4 times a night. 2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

And, the number one reason hockey is better than sex...

A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 1996 13:40:56 -0400
From: "Robert V. Gerds"
Subject: Shakespeare

One night William Shakespeare overheard one of his most beautiful actresses say to the leading actor: "Come to my window tonight and say that your Henry V, and I will let down a rope for you." When the actor came to the window that night he screamed:"It's me George V." Shakespeare opened the window and yelled:"You're too late. William the conqueror already was here." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 1996 16:08:18 GMT
From: Ed Lambert
Subject: Humor: In The News - May be off. to Montaneons (sp), mad cows, more
In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times

Warning - may also be offensive to Unabomber's, Republicans, Dead Heads, Impotent Men, Balding men with budget deficit, pig actresses and aging men... Includes one mildly "bad word".

The alleged Unabomber, Theodore Kaczynski, was turned in by his own relatives. Geez, if they get a Christmas card from Ted this year, I'd advise them not to open it.

The FBI found the Unabomber suspect on a long list of heavily armed recluses with a grudge against the U.S. Government. It's called the Montana White Pages. Some folks are trying to counter that image - even Joe Montana is now insisting he never threw any long bombs. Montana has come up with a new motto:

"Montana... at least our cows are sane!"

Judging by the look of the Unabomber's cabin, there's no chance he'll ever be called the Unacarpenter. He's finding out that jail is hell - running water, toilets, color TV... he says his favorite channel is TNT. Some people suggest he could be suffering from Mad Ka-Pow! Disease. This joke is getting old now. Time to move on...

Three former employees of the Republican National Committee are suing, claiming that party headquarters is a hotbed of lewd behavior, racism and gay-bashing. Isn't that sort of like working at Baskin-Robbins and complaining about the calories?

The ashes of Jerry Garcia were scattered over India's Ganges River in a private ceremony. Friends and family mourned the loss - those ashes had a street value of $3 million.

In a classic April Fools Joke, Taco Bell announced that they bought the Liberty Bell and renamed it the Taco Liberty Bell. The idea of corporate sponsorship is catching on so well, we might also see...
The Scripto Penn Station
The Alamo Rent A Car Alamo
The Microsoft Potency Recovery Center

AirTouch Communications and Cellular Communications hope to seal their $1.65 billion merger soon. Unfortunately, every time their lawyers try to arrange a meeting for the signing, one of them drives under a bridge and the phone goes dead.

The FDA has approved two generic, less expensive versions of the hair restorer, Rogaine. They're targeted at men who suffer from male-pattern indebtedness.

The Academy of Country Music named the Santa Ana, California, Crazy Horse Steak House as its country nightclub of the year. It beat out last year's winner, The Mad Cow Corral.

The movie Babe is now available on video. Apparently, it's selling like hot links.

Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner celebrated his 70th birthday. It put him in a reflective mood - he knows it's a long way from Miss May to Miss December.

And finally, a researcher has reported that men lose brain tissue at almost three time the rate that women do, curbing their memory and concentration, and possibly turning them into "grumpy old men". The report was inclusive, however, because the researcher lost interest half way through the study. I feel that this is the sort of thing... that... uuuhhh, what was I saying? Never mind, just GET OUT OF MY FACE DAMMIT! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 1996 09:40:00 CDT
From: "Bakken, Brian"
Subject: Rodney Dangerfield .... Part 3

Sorry about not being able to continue the series till now, mail going out was being lost!

Offensive to Rodney and weight/beauty chalanged people

She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that...
- She got on the scale and a card came out saying.. "One at a time." - Her bath tub has stretch marks.
- Her belly button makes an echo.
- She has her own postal code.
- She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS" bra.
- She has a dress with a sign on the back saying.. "Caution wide load." - Her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
- When guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
- One day I ran into her with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas. - Her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.
- When guys eat her out they ask for provisions for the trip. - Her mother ripped when she had her.
- She uses a septic tank for a toilet.

She was so ugly that...
- She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. - I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.
- I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
- They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
- I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
- She looks like she came second in a hatchet fight!
- The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it. - She has a face like a saint. A saint bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me.. "What'll you have?" I said.."surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One I came home early from work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy.."Hey buddy..why are you doing that for?" He said.. "Because you came home early."

I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
Once in a restuarant I made a toast to her.."The best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning..put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!

I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem...I don't know who to thank!

My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.

Date: Sat, 18 May 1996 16:19:33 -1000
From: "Brian L. Nestel"
Subject: Computer Humor

This may be a little off topic, but it's humor about computers so I thought I would post it as everyone uses them.

"If Computer Companies made toasters" .... Author unk.

If IBM made toasters ...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters ...
Everytime you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you wanted your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Fisher-Price made toasters ...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters ...
Your toaster would have a secret trapdoor that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Does Digital (formerly DEC) still make toasters ...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters ...
Their "Personal Toasting Device", which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If The Franklin Mint made toasters ...
Every month you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters ...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters ...
You would be able to toast 64,000,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Timex made toasters ...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters ...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could by all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toaster ...
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives with each one.

If the University of Waterloo made toasters ...
They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.
If the PQ made toasters ...
They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of the appliances.

If Creationists made toasters...
It would take 14 billion year old stale bread and make 6 thousand year old fresh toast.

Date: Tue, 21 May 1996 08:43:11 -0600
From: Dennis Ward
Subject: The History of the Universe in 200 words or less. . .

Quantum fluctuation. Inflation. Expansion. Strong nuclear interaction. Particle-antiparticle annihilation. Deuterium and helium production. Density perturbations. Recombination. Blackbody radiation. Local contraction. Cluster formation. Reionization? Violent relaxation. Virialization. Biased galaxy formation? Turbulent fragmentation. Contraction. Ionization. Compression. Opaque hydrogen. Massive star formation. Deuterium ignition. Hydrogen fusion. Hydrogen depletion. Core contraction. Envelope expansion. Helium fusion. Carbon, oxygen, and silicon fusion. Iron production. Implosion. Supernova explosion. Metals injection. Star formation. Supernova explosions. Star formation. Condensation. Planetesimal accretion. Planetary differentiation. Crust solidification. Volatile gas expulsion. Water condensation. Water dissociation. Ozone production. Ultraviolet absorption. Photosynthetic unicellular organisms. Oxidation. Mutation. Natural selection and evolution. Respiration. Cell differentiation. Sexual reproduction. Fossilization. Land exploration. Dinosaur extinction. Mammal expansion. Glaciation. Homo sapiens manifestation. Animal domestication. Food surplus production. Civilization! Innovation. Exploration. Religion. Warring nations. Empire creation and destruction. Exploration. Colonization. Taxation without representation. Revolution. Constitution. Election. Expansion. Industrialization. Rebellion. Emancipation Proclamation. Invention. Mass production. Urbanization. Immigration. World conflagration. League of Nations. Suffrage extension. Depression. World conflagration. Fission explosions. United Nations. Space exploration. Assassinations. Lunar excursions. Resignation. Computerization. World Trade Organization. Terrorism. Internet expansion. Reunification. Dissolution. World-Wide Web creation. Composition. Extrapolation?
Copyright 1996,1997 by Eric Schulman (included by courtesy of the author)

Subject: Shapeliness

An international conference of sexologists was convened to
determine once and for all why the penis is shaped the way it is. Each national delegation had done extensive research and was to announce the results.
Said the French spokesman, "We have spent five million francs,
and can now firmly state zat ze penis is ze shape it is in order to give pleasure to ze woman."
"I say," said the British representative, "we've spent thirty
thousand pounds and are quite sure that the shape is in order to give maximum pleasure to the man."
"We've spent a million bucks," drawled the American, "and there's no further doubt about the fact that it's that shape so that your hand doesn't slip off the end."

From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Call me a doctor: CPR in Action

My bridge partner told this joke five or six times at the game last night. She got laughs every time, blast her!

There was a bad accident on the highway, and this woman stopped her car, called 911 on the cellular phone, and rushed over to help the injured. Just as she approached the unconscious driver who was pinned partially under the car, this man ran up, pushed her aside, and proclaimed, "Stand back; I know CPR." He started to minister to the accident victim, reciting the steps aloud: "Lift back the head, clear the airway, listen for breathing, ...." The woman walked over, tapped the Good Samaritan on the shoulder, and said, "When you get to the part about 'Call a physician,' I'll be right here."

Date: Thu, 20 Jun 1996 11:54:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: (Fwd) National Park Humor (fwd)

Wildlife stories

A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys.

.... putting our loved ones at risk for a photo

In May of 1994, Tony Moore, 43, of Marietta, Georgia, was gored and seriously injured by a large male bison in Yellowstone, next to the Lake Hotel. Moore and a friend had approached to within 15 feet of the bison to have their pictures taken. While they were standing with their backs to the animal, it charged. Moore's companion escaped, but Moore received a severe puncture wound in his right thigh and was taken by ambulance to a hospital in Jackson for treatment.

.... watching for falling rocks

A visitor setting up camp at Lake Eleanor in Yosemite National Park hit herself on the head with a rock while trying to string up her food to protect it from bears.

.... requesting assistance

In 1994, a woman visiting from the Bay Area embarked on a solo hike to the summit of El Capitan in Yosemite. When she became lost and saw a storm brewing, she called 911 from her cellular phone and asked to be rescued. A helicopter found her barely off the trail and one-fourth to half a mile from the top of El Cap. When the 'copter lifted off and the woman saw how close she was to her summit goal, she asked the crew to set her down on top. When the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.

... caring for the creatures

A woman, appearing rather distraught, came into the visitor center at Redwood National Park in California to report that she had seen several Irish setters lying along the edge of the highway and she feared they were dead or injured. Rangers explained to her that these were pieces of redwood bark that had fallen off logging trucks.

.... asking for directions

Darryl Stone, now superintendent at Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in St. Louis, remembered working the entrance station at Yosemite when a woman drove up and asked, "Which way are the geysers?" Ranger Stone directed her to continue 1,000 miles further to
Yellowstone and told her there were no geysers at Yosemite. "Yes, there are," she said. "I have a friend who saw them." Stone and the woman went round and round several times before she left, insisting that there were geysers at Yosemite. Later she wrote a letter to the chief ranger complaining that Stone had refused to provide her with the information she wanted.

.... back-seat driving, as always

When an elderly couple stopped to film some bears at Dunraven Pass in Yellowstone, a young bear crawled into their car searching for food. Unable to make the bear leave, the exasperated (but well-dressed) couple drove about 17 miles to the ranger station at Canyon Village with the bear in the backseat. When the husband got out to report the incident, the bear hopped over into the front seat so that
investigating rangers found the woman in the passenger seat and the bear behind the wheel.

.... all tuckered out from our day hikes

In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her
cellular phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger said,"her phone battery died."

... taking mementos home with us

Each year visitors to Petrified Forest National Park in Arizona pocket an estimated 12 tons of petrified wood to take home (despite numerous warnings not to take wood and the fact that this criminal violation carries a minimum fine of $275). Some years back, several female foreign visitors, clad only in bikinis, were observed hiding wood in their garments. Another time, rangers received a report that a man had put a large piece of wood in his car. Upon searching his vehicle, they found a 40-pound piece of petrified wood in his trunk. According to rangers, this visitor said he didn't know how it got there. "My four-year-old son must have put it in there," the man said.

.... ever alert to terrorism

A group of European visitors came into the Wawona ranger station in Yosemite National Park and said, "Our car is parked at the trail head and it's been blown up by terrorists." Though rangers expressed some doubt, the visitors insisted that a bomb had exploded in their car and that they could see powder residue from the explosives. Investigating rangers indeed found that a door had been torn off and a powder-like substance--pancake flour--was strewn about the car."They were quite embarrassed when we showed them the bear prints," the ranger said.

... ignoring the sage advice of rangers

A camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to take a dip in the lake with her dog despite signs saying "No
swimming--Danger--Alligators."She swam to an island about 75 yards from the shore, then saw some alligators and refused to swim back. "Didn't you see the signs?" asked the ranger who retrieved her in a canoe. "Sure," she said, "but I didn't think they applied to me."

"Park incidents were compiled by writer Debra Shore, a frequent contributor to Outside.

"What time do they let the animals out in the park?" --Visitor at Denali National Park

"Why did the Indians only build ruins?" --Visitor at the Grand Canyon
"What is your best parking area?" --Visitor at Zion National Park
"Where's the road to the summit?" --Visitor at Mount Rainier National Park

"Don't you think the polluted sky makes a much prettier sunset?" --Visitor at Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore

Grand Canyon National Park:

Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom--where is it?
Is the mule train air-conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park:

Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion? Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Denali National Park:
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
--end of forward--

Oh, here's another one (stolen from P.J. O'Rourke):

A Russian general and an American general are arguing about who has a better army. The Russian
general says:
"We feed our soldiers 1000 calories a day!"
The American general says:
"That's nothing, we feed our soldiers 3000 calories a day!"
The Russian general says:
"That's impossible--nobody can eat a whole sack of potatoes in
one day!"

From: gwen eckman
Subject: Above the Law?

(sent to me by

I just came across this excerpt from a book called "The Hazards of Life and all That," by J. Bond. It's a summary of a rather
odd legal case, that I thought you'd get a kick out of:

"10th century Cheshire. Severe drought in the area inspires
Lady Trawst to pray to a statue of the Virgin for rain,
immediately there is a thunderstorm. The statue falls
from its niche and crushes Lady Trawst to death. The statue
is then tried for murder, sentenced to death but found to
be too heavy for hanging. Eventually the statue is tied to
a cross and left on the bank of the river Dee to drown."

Seems no one is above the law, not even the Holy Virgin.

From: "Lloyd B. Abrams"
Subject: Boy hears bad word {contains 1 1/2 "dirty" words}

An eight year old boy was picked up by his uncle to go to the
amusement park.

On the way there, his uncle, a very aggressive driver, was cut off. He yelled out, "You schmuck!' to the offending driver.

Later, when the ticket seller tried to gyp him out of the the proper change, the uncle called him a "rotten schmuck."

The boy arrived home and his mother asked about how he enjoyed the day. The boy replied that he had a wonderful time, but that his uncle had used a "bad word." His mother was angry and tried to pry out of him exactly what the uncle had said. The boy kept on refusing to say the word.
Finally, after much cajoling, the boy exasperatingly said, "I can't say the word, but it rhymes with 'fuck'."

Consumer's Reports on Selecting Girlfriend (fwd)

Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to
inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
Your age Used or New
-------- -----------
1-12 years (see note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B)
60+ (see note A)

A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used
girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come
pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and
accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should
reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion:
intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

Category Comments
-------- ---------------------------------------------------- Goddess This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of
racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that,
an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.

Yeah, Her The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!

Date: Mon, 8 Jul 1996 02:10:04 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jascha Franklin-Hodge
Subject: Laugh Of The Day - Mon, Jul 08 1996

****************************************************************************** Be sure to visit LaughWEB ( ******************************************************************************
*File Description: You Might Be A Physics Major If...*

You might be a physics major if...
Created by Jason Lisle

Due to the enormous workload involved in physics classes combined with stress and lack of sleep, physics students often forget (either by accident, defense mechanism, or intentionally) what their major really is. Thus, as a physics major, I took it upon myself to create a small list of indicators to help us all remember what we really are.


if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

if you enjoy pain.

if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.

if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

if you always do homework on Friday nights.

if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
if you think in "math."

if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

if you have a pet named after a scientist.

if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

if you can translate English into Binary.

if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."

if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

If you are completely addicted to caffeine.

if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."

if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

if you understood more than five of these indicators.

if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you might be classified as a physics major. I hope this clears up any confusion.

Date: Thu, 11 Jul 1996 09:01:15 +0200
From: Maurizio Morabito
Subject: from HUMOR

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to
M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the
advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the
interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

Date: Sun, 14 Jul 1996 10:17:58 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Delicate translations

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as
Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not
discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse
stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close
phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South
America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't
selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for
"tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its
ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French
Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was
devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up
qualities. Hence the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."
Date: Thu, 25 Jul 96 13:53:49 -0400

>Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those
>glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. >
>A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
>Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
>Active socially: Drinks heavily.
>Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
>Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job. >Average: Not too bright.
>Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
>Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
>Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
>Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. >Conscientious and careful: Scared.
>Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless. >Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
>Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
>Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
>Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated. >Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear. >Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well. >Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive.
>Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
>Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
>Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee. >Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date. >Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
>Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward. >Happy: Paid too much.
>Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
>Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary > confinement.
>Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
>Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
>Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas. >Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
>Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work. >Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
>Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
>Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
>Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
>Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
>Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
>Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time. >Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
>Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
>Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
>Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
>Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
>Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use. >Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
>Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed. >Should go far: Please.
>Slightly below average: Stupid.
>Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
>Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
>Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
>Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
>Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut. >Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors. >Takes pride in work: Conceited.
>Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
>Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
>Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
>Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. >Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week. >Well organized: Does too much busywork.
>Will go far: Relative of management.
>Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money. >Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 20:24:08 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: Thought for Thursday, Aug 1, 1996

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.

Subject: The Cameron Column # 32 - 10

When I was younger, we males, in our flaming immaturity, defined our manhood by the size of the stereo speakers on display in our living rooms. Today, being much more mature, I have set aside such childish things, and now define my manhood by the size of the hard drive in my computer. Buying a computer today is a task at least as complicated as, say, building a Space Shuttle from spare vacuum sweeper parts, or, even worse, assembling a Barbie Dream House on Christmas Eve. For one thing, no matter what decision you make, you will be wrong. The day you take delivery of your $ 3,000.00 system, Sears will have the same thing on sale for a dollar fifty. This sort of depreciation hasn't been seen since the days of the Chevrolet Vega. The system you SHOULD have purchased is at least five times faster and can polish your shoes as you sit at the keyboard. There are those who claim that all this additional speed and expense is not necessary, that the system already installed in your house is perfectly fine. These people are known as "women," and have no comprehension what it is like to have this conversation in the steam room (where I go to avoid the weights in the health club):
Steam Room Guy: "I just installed parallel beta P6 chips in my motherboard so I can move data at 64 bits. How about you?"
Me: "Uh, I was just going to do the same to my 386."
Steam Room Guy: "Get out of the steam room!"
The only way to keep up is to purchase a system every time a new PC Magazine is published. Take CD-ROMs, as an example. Mysteriously, CD-ROM speeds doubled a few months ago. Then they fourpled. New ones run SIX TIMES as fast as they used to. Now I ask you, is there a person out there who can read six times faster today than they could a year ago? Play music on the thing and you can listen to the Beatles White Album in eleven minutes. (Not that I am old enough to remember the Beatles White Album, you understand. I am merely making a historical reference that I picked up off of my CD-ROM Encyclopedia as it shot by at the speed of light.) Keeping quiet in the steam room about my own system, I eventually learned
that the reason CD-ROM's have to be so fast is so they can deliver extra features that you never realized you wanted. The new Quicken, as an example, contains advice on investing from Hillary Clinton. Click on a button and you can see scenes from Charles Manson's childhood. The deluxe set contains the full instructions on assembling a Barbi Dream
House--that's thirty two thousand pages of completely incomprehensible diagrams screaming past you at six times the normal speed!
Just to hold my own with the steam room guys, I have subscribed to four separate magazines whose content is devoted to the latest and fastest the high tech industry has to offer. (Recent cover story: Six systems you can use under water!)
"Why do you get these boring magazines?" my teenage daughter asked me during a rare moment when she was speaking to me. Before I could reply, my wife gave her an answer.
"Testosterone," she told my daughter. "Don't worry, it's not contagious."

From: "Linda W. White"
To: Jan Kucera
Subject: Thought for Friday, Aug 9, 1996

A half truth is a whole lie.

-Yiddish proverb

Subject: Fwd: Great Sentences
> I was reading a book a few years ago called Great Lawmen of the >Old West or something to that effect. It was supposed to be a
>biographical history of several Lawmen (but I suspect the author took a >little literary license and embelished things a bit). Some I had heard >about and some I hadn't. One part that caught my interest was a sentence >handed down by a Judge in the Indian territories. It seems that the >Judge's marshalls had tracked down a man wanted for robbery, Kidnapping >and murder of a young girl. With reasonable dispatch he held the trial >and then handed down the following verdict.
>AMOS MORECAI CULLIMORE, in the morning, the sun will rise over these >gentle Ozark hills, and dispels the soft mist that has lain in the deep >hollows, all during the starry night. The air will be clean and fresh as >the world awakens. The sun will turn the chilled earth warm towards >noon, BUT YOU WON T BE SITTING DOWN TO LUNCH!
>The fish will jump in the ponds and race up the silvery streams after >nymphs and frogs will croak on the banks. The morning dew will burn off >the grasses and the morning glories will open their petals to the sun. >BUT YOU WON T BE ABLE TO SEE ANY OF THIS!
>The birds will sing from the tree tops and the squirrels will scamper in >the oaks and among the forest grasses. The honeybees will drink the >sweet nectar of the flowers and the hummingbirds will sip from the >honeysuckle blossoms. BUT YOU WON T BE HERE TO ENJOY ANY OF THESE >THINGS! AMOS MORECAI CULLIMORE
>Because I hereby order the U.S. Marshall s to lead you to the gallows at >ten of the clock tomorrow morning. There, a hangman will place the >knotted noose around your neck, and then pull the trapdoor lever, >thereby dropping your filthy, raping, murdering, stealing carcass ten >feet, where you will either break your neck or swing in the breeze. You >will hang there as the towns folk look at your miserable corpse. Then >your worthless body will be cut down, placed in a crude pine box and >buried six feet underground where the worms and maggots can have free >rein over what is left of your mortal body, you worthless son of a >bitch!
>Signed Judge Samuel Parkhurst Barnstall
> December 1894
> Indian Territories
>Now I don't know if this account is true or not but I think I could >really learn to like this guy!
>Also found a few neat pages that are interesting to check out
>Unlikely and Incompetent Criminals
>Stupid Criminals
> >Comedy Connection - Stupid Criminals

Subject: Thought for Monday, Aug 19, 1996

It isn't what you know that counts,
it's what you think of in time.

Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Aug 20, 1996

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.

-Senator Eugene McCarthy

Subject: Thought for Wednesday, Aug 21, 1996

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

Date: Thu, 22 Aug 1996 04:04:01 -0500
Subject: Thought for Thursday, Aug 22, 1996

I would like to be allowed to admire
a man's opinion as I would his dog -
without being expected to take it home with me.

-Frank A. Clark

Subject: Sampler: August 23

Q. Are possums immune to snake venom?
A. To rattlesnake venom, yes. And to copperhead and
cottonmouth, too. But not to cobra venom. Only poisonous
snakes that don't live where possums live can kill

A logger doesn't fall trees, he fells fell them, but when
he fells them, he's not a feller, but a faller. Clear?

"Thiss sentence contains threee errors." It's true, quite
true. You say you only count two? Email it to your
friend, the intelligent one. With this question: Where's
the third error? But without this answer: The claim that
there are three errors is the third error.

Date: Fri, 30 Aug 1996 10:05:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: IBM News Brief (fwd)

And the latest IBM news brief:

KABINDA, ZAIRE--In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.

IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Desert,
IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today."

According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem."

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new,
state-of- the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601
microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.

"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the
keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual.

IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village."

Date: Fri, 6 Sep 1996 12:15:48 +0200
From: Vlastimil Vesely
Jste naprosto zavisli na Internetu?

* Kdyz vypnete modem, prepadne vas pocit prazdnoty, jako byste se prave rozzehnali s milovanou bytosti.
* Vsichni vasi pratele maji @ ve svych jmenech.
* Mate na sobe tetovani s textem "Toto telo je nejlepe videt
Navigatorem 2.0 nebo vyssim".
* Telefonni ucet vam prichazi ve vetsi krabici.
* Neznate pohlavi svych nejblizsich tri pratel, protoze maji
neutralni jmena, ale nikdy vas nenapadlo se jich na to ptat.
* Kdyz jdete po probuzeni do koupelny, stavite se napred u pocitace, abyste zkontrolovali svuj e-mail, nez se vecer vydate zase na zpatecni cestu do postele.
* Kdyz se prestehujete do noveho domu, drive se rozhlednete po siti (netscape) nez po svem novem okoli (landscape).
* Nemuzete zavolat sve matce (protoze nema modem).
* Predstavujete se jako Davidzavinaccesnetteckacz.
* Taxikari hlasite svou adresu slovy
* Kdyz se smejete, naklanite hlavu hodne na stranu.

Date: Mon, 9 Sep 1996 15:58:44 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: Thought for Friday, Aug 30, 1996

My doctor told me to stop
having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.

-Orson Welles

Subject: Thought for Monday, Sep 2, 1996

It's amazing how when I'm out of sorts
everyone around me turns into an idiot.

-Penny's Thought

From: Low-volume punny guy
Subject: Language trends of the future

There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the future.

In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred from facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.

These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.
In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.

Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other alphabets in the world.

The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin
alphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating Russian into Polish.

Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus a verb at the end, of course.

Subject: Thought for Wednesday, Sep 4, 1996

My job is not all that difficult,
but I do have to know the entire alphabet.

-Vanna White

Subject: Thought for Monday, Sep 9, 1996

To err is human--
and to blame on a computer is even more so.