From: Howard Bashinski <> Subject: Humor Abroad (bloopers)


IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk. IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. IN A HONGKONG SUPERMARKET: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S: Drop your trousers here for best results. OUTSIDE A PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.
OUTSIDE A HONGKONG DRESS SHOP: Ladies have fits upstairs.
IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.
FROM THE "SOVIET WEEKLY": There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
IN AN EAST AFRICAN NEWSPAPER: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. IN A VIENNA HOTEL: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A SIGN POSTED IN GERMANY'S BLACK FOREST: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless the are married with each other for this purpose.
IN A ZURICH HOTEL: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby by used for this purpose.
IN AN ADVERTISEMENT BY A HONGKONG DENTIST: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A TRANSLATED SENTENCE FROM A RUSSIAN CHESS BOOK: A lot of water had been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. IN A ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES IN THAILAND: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
ON THE FAUCET IN A FINNISH WASHROOM: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
IN THE WINDOW OF A SWEDISH FURRIER: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
ON THE BOX OF A CLOCKWORK TOY MADE IN HONGKONG: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
DETOUR SIGN IN KYUSHI, JAPAN: Stop. Drive sideways.
IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special Today - no ice cream.
IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner dressed as a man.
IN A TOKYO BAR: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases. IN AN ACAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
IN A TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
FROM A JAPANESE INFORMATION BOOKLET ABOUT USING A HOTEL AIR CONDITIONER: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.
FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. TWO SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE:
- - - - English well talking
- - - - Here speeching American.

From: Hugh Pritchard <>
Subject: What would you do? (Purportedly true)

[Received from Jerry Leichter, via RISKS]

At a software engineering course for aspiring managers the
participants were asked: If your team of programmer/analysts
implemented airplane control software, and you were flying one day, finding out before take-off that this plane was one of those equipped with YOUR software, how many of you would get out?

All except one person raised their hands. The course instructor asked the only one to have left his hand down, "What would you do?"

"Stay in my seat -- if my team wrote the software for this plane, it wouldn't move, let alone take off."

From: Adam BJ Quantrill <> Subject: Ira and Levi win the Lottery (poss offensive to Jews?)
Ira and Levi, and old Jewish couple, play the Lottery,
just one ticket a week, you understand! Anyway, fate
smiles on them and one week they win a cool million.
THe good news arrives and they can't believe their luck.
So Ira says to Levi, "You know, I think we ought to make
a small donation as a way of thanks." "A small donation,
yes," echoes Levi. Ira says "I've been thinking about giving
a thousand to the fund for war veterans." "Not a bad idea,"
replies Levi. He thinks a moment, and says "and I'll send
a bunch of flowers to the spot where Hitler was killed."
"What!" says Ira in rage, "do you not remember the camps!"
"Yes," replies Levi, rolling up his sleeve, "but where
do you think I got the winning numbers from?"

From: "Scott H. Brooksby" <>
Subject: Eccentric mans death

A very very rich gentleman dies, leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the
eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place
their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his
final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year
later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his eccentric ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally sais "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten
million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and sais "I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!".

Subject: sollicitation

(please state city, street, housenumber, room, bed and
squadnumber. Turks and Marrokkans can also state the adres of the Theehouse or licenseplate of car.)
Skin color: light-brown/gold-brown/dark-brown/BLACK
Visibility: in the dark yes/no
Car: What brand of Ford do you own ? :........
Number of lights :.......
Total length of curtains :........
Average number of carried women :........
Number of car stereo's (bought and stolen) :.......
What kind of starter do you use ?
Jumpcables/towingcable/hill/countrymen/colleagues Insurance: did you ever think about insuring your car ?
Taxes: did you ever think about paying your taxes ?
Possesion: How did you get possesion of your car.
Stolen/Fraude/Found it/a nice neighbour Parents: name of lawfull father:
(if unknown state name of best friend of your mother)
name of lawfull mother:
(if unknown state name of best friend of your father)
Education: 1....................... 2.......................
(If there's anything higher than kindergarden, please send evidence)
Hobbies: Stealing/Robbery/Gambling/Chasing white women.
Income: Did you ever get paid for more than one week ?
When was the last time that happened ../../19.. (always state year)
Disease: Have you ever been able to work three days in one week ? (for 8 ours a day)
Reason: Write in less then 50 words why you want this highly
qualified job. Or make a drawing of a garbage truck.
Procedure: Send a picture of yourself. Coloured people will not need to do this (You all look a like anyway)

P.S. sorry my English just isn't any better.

From: Tim Abicht <>
Subject: Personal Ad [clean!]

I don't have the orignal copy but the ad ran like this in the Ellensburg Times Personal section, and was reprinted in the Seattle Times gossip column.
SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips. Cosy winter nights spent lying by the fire, Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work. Kiss me and I'm yours. I'm a sevelt good looking girl who loves to play. Call 555-1212 and ask for Daisy I'm a eight week old black labrador retriever($350).

From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <> Subject: Russia's aids law

"The Post-soviet Press Group of London University's School of Slavonic and East European Studies has answered the perplexing question of why diplomats are exempt from HIV-tests under Russia's new laws. Why, asked chairman Bob Service, do Russians think that diplomats do not catch Aids? Because, replied Ali Granmeyeh, they have diplomatic immunity.

From: Karen Hughes <>
Subject: pub joke

A guy walks into a pub, walks up the side of a wall,
across the ceiling, and down the other side.

He then goes up to the barman and asks for a pint of lager,
pays for it, drinks it down, walks up the wall,
across the ceiling, back down the other wall and out the door.

A little guy in the corner has been watching all of this,
and totally mesmorised by the whole thing, he says to the barman, "Did... did you see that?!!!"

The barman replies, "Yeah, I know! He usually orders bitter!"

From: Larry Scott <>
Subject: Never happens on Star Trek

Things that never happen on Star Trek:

The Enterprise runs into a energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

Some of the crew visit the Holodeck, and it works properly.

The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known lifeform wearing a funny hat.
The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a plague, but the doctor immediately recognizes it and easily develops a cure from the supplies in the well-stocked Enterprise sick bay.

The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

The Enterprise answers a distress signal which turns out to be a false alarm.

A problem with the warp engines is rapidly diagnosed and corrected by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everbody's satisfaction.

The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-travel experience which is in no way connected with the 20th century.

One of the senior staff falls in love with somebody on a planet they visit, and they aren't tragically separated at the end of the episode.
While agonizing over a difficult decision, somebody offers a suggestion based on a vague feeling they have, but that's dismissed and they solve the problem using simple common sense and their extensive training.

The life-support system fails, but everybody is saved by emergency air masks that drop out of the ceiling.

Originally from David Okonski

From: "Lee J. Verallo" <>
Subject: Friendly penguins
A man drove by a busy intersection in a pickup truck. The trafic cop stops him and asks, "Just what do you think you're doing? What are those things at the back?"
The guy says, "Oh those are just my friends. We're out on a ride." Cop shouts, "THOSE ARE PENGUINS!!"
The guy explains, "Yeah they're penguins and they're my friends." Cop says, "You can't do that! Bring them to the zoo at once or I'll book you!"
OK, OK, the guy obeys and drives off...

The next day the same guy in the same truck passes the same
intersection and was stopped by the same cop.
Angry cop shouts, "Didn't I TELL you to BRING YOUR FRIENDS TO THE ZOO?!!"
Guy answers, "I did, I did! And they loved it!! Now we're going to the movies!"

From: Bill <>
Subject: A slow worker

Fourteen-year-old Ajeet, who tended my friend's garden last summer, is rumored to be the slowest-moving creature in India. In desperation one day my friend exclaimed, "Ajeet, is there anything you can do fast?"
"Yes, mam, I get tired fast."

From: Dana Goodrich <>
Comments: To:

Seen today on the critical thinking discussion group:

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

From: "Rowdy K. Welch" <> Subject: One-Liners, part 2

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do witches run spell checkers?

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.



<-------- The information went data way --------

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

From: Glenda Young <>
Subject: Blonde on Computer (offensive to blondes)

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There's Tippex on the screen

From: "Michael W. Leach" <>
Subject: Girls.


Italian Girl: Now you will hate me.
Spanish Girl: Now I will love you always.
Russian Girl: My body belongs to you; my soul will always be free. German Girl: After while we go to beer garden, yah?
Swedish Girl: Aye tank Aye go home now.
French Girl: For this I get a new dress, oui?
Chinese Girl: Now you know it's not true.
English Girl: Rather pleasant, what?
American Girl: Shit, I must have been drunk. What did you say your name was?

From: Kim-An Lieberman <>
Subject: University Entrance Exam
Time Limit: 3 WKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire
with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and
social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last
one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for
what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic
Equilibrium-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many
apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began
when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly
to qualify

originally from amar pattani

From: Larry Scott <>
Subject: Math anecdote

The following problem can be solved either the easy way or
the hard way.

Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other;
each one is going at a speed of 50 miles per hour. A fly
starting on the front of one of them flies back and forth
between them at a rate of 75 miles per hour. It does this
until the trains collide and crush the fly to death. What
is the total distance the fly has flown?

The fly actually hits each train an infinite number of times
before it gets crushed, and one could solve the problem the
hard way with pencil and paper by summing an infinite series
of distances. The easy way is as follows: Since the trains
are 200 miles apart and each train is going 50 miles an
hour, it takes 2 hours for the trains to collide. Therefore
the fly was flying for two hours. Since the fly was flying
at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must have flown 150
miles. That's all there is to it.

When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he
immediately replied, "150 miles."

"It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone
tries to sum the infinite series."

"What do you mean, strange?" asked Von Neumann. "That's how
I did it!"

From: "Greg C. Bowlin" <>
Subject: The Tator Family

I found these humurous and easily clasify people.

The Tator Family

Agi Tator: Whenever things get dull, Agi is always there to stir things up. She is often a nuisance, but many times keeps everyone on their toes by disturbing the comfortable status quo.

Cogi Tator: Cogi is a thinker. She is different from her brother Medi because Cogi thinks deeply about matters that will affect the way she acts. She weighs everything carefully before acting and attempts to make sure she has considered all the alternatives.

Common Tator: Common always has advice or criticism on any subject. Always talking and always very authoritative sounding, he often sounds like he knows what he is talking out, but usually doesn't.

Devis Tator: Devis is a revolutionary. He believes in confrontation, radical changes. It is his philosophy that the only way to change something is to destroy it and start all over. Devis is weak on alternatives or ideas for rebuilding and considers that someone else's job.

Dick Tator: Dick doesn't consult anyone. He makes all his decisions by himself and sees others only as a means to accomplish hiswill. Dick will usually gets high marks for getting things done, but low marks for working with others.

Emmy Tator: Emmy is a follower and can easily become a hero worshiper. Heavily influenced by those around her, Emmy's future is determined by the kinds of people she patterns her life after.

Facili Tator: Facili is warm and personable. She is almost selfless. She works hard at enabling others to become better. She is a good listener and asks the kinds of questions that allow people to speak about things that matter to them. But Facili can sometimes be a nuisance because she sees every gathering as an opportunity to use her gifts and sometimes she just needs to let her abilities remain dormant.

Hesi Tator: It is very difficult for Hesi to make decisions. She always needs just a little bit more information before making a decision. If and when Hesi does make a decision, however, it has usually been thought through carefully.

Irri Tator: Irri is a twin of Agi with a mean streak in her. She likes to stir things up just for the sake of causing confusion and disarray. She is abrasive and even when she takes the correct position on a subject, still winds up alienating those around her.

Medi Tator: Medi thinks deeply and finds satisfaction in the act itself. His thinking never really leads to any constructive action, however. It is the act of pondering that matters to Medi and not the content.

Roe Tator: Roe is a systems man. He believes that everyone should have their turn regardless of qualification. He is task oriented and is only involved as long as the task is his responsibility. He believes in changes for change's sake and doesn't like to remain in one spot too long.
Speck Tator: He likes to watch everyone else rather than get involved in anything personally. He is always on the outside looking in. He is usually an expert at evaluating and helps those who are not participating by cheering them on. But because Speck has the advantage of watching from the stands, he can also make unrealistic assessments from a distance and be quite fickle with his support.

Vegi Tator: Some call Vegi lazy because she sits around doing nothing. She doesn't take any risks and tends to take what's given without giving anything in return. But at least Vegi is predictable and somewhat stable.

From: Piotr pLebaniak <>
Subject: Drunk joke and One very off to Jews

1. A very very drunk guy enters a taxi cub. šNote: in Polish there's a special, very funny sounding idiom to describe a drunk, it's "drunken as (or IN) a barnš So he enters and the driver asks, "Where?" The guy slowly answers, "HOoo..Hoooome". The driver asks again: "Could you be more specific?" "Yeee... to... the living room"

Warning! F word in the two next jokes!!!!!

2.Minor variation: A drunk in a barn guy walks into a taxi and starts to undress himself. The cub driver says, "Hey, what're you doing, you're not home!!!" The drunk: " Fuck! I left my shoes outside!!"

3. A Jew enters a Church (I forgot how to spell in English a Jewish church) and begins to prey very loudly to God for He send him 100$.
The rest of people is very angry at him. Yet the Jew kneels in the very midst of the church and begs God for the 100$ not concerned by others. At last a very respectable Rabbi walks to him, opens valet and gives him a 100$ bill, "Yeah, take this and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE 'cos we're begging not that ridiculous sum.

From: "Greg C. Bowlin" <>
Subject: Messed up Classified Add

I found this in an old folder and thought I would submit it. Don't know if it has been around but at least not since I have been reading HUMOR. Hope you like it.

(Monday) "FOR SALE-R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap."
(Tuesday) NOTICE -- We regret having erred in R.D. Jones ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m."

(Wednesday) "NOTICE-R.D. Jones has informed us that he has recieved several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE-R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

(Thursday) "NOTICE-I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707, as the telephone has been out. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

From: Jeff Guinzburg <>
Subject: Chemist's tale

Okay, you guys, you have to work a little for this one. Drag out your old high school chemistry books!

Chemist's tale

A chemistry student I know killed his chem teacher after seeing his report card. Stuck with the dead teacher, the student decided to Ba in his flower garden. But the police suspected the boy, so one Cu was dispatched to his house. Of course, before leaving the police station, the Cu saluted his lieutenant. The boy's house was just half finished, and they hadn't put the F. The Cu searches the house in vain, but all traces of blood Ar. The policeman wandered out into the backyard. "Why," he commented, "the views out here are certainly As." The boy's dog, Rin Sn Sn, wandered out into the trail of blood that Pb to the flower bed. Beads of sweat formed on the poor boy's forehead, for he knew that Helium must act--it was Zn or swim. If that body was found his life wouldn't be worth a plug Ni. For the moment his thoughts wandered, as he thought about how a murderer lowers the value of a house--what would the house S after his conviction? He remembered his parents talking about him shortly before the murder: "That boy's grown up too P; he's just getting out of hand. Some day he is going to kill somebody." The lawmen were now digging in the dirt of the garden. The boy was frantic. Suddenly, from out of nowhere rang a shot, and a mighty "hydrogen-iodine-holium-Ag." It was the fearless masked man of the plains--but instead of riding a horse, he drove a '59 Hg. The boy had been saved indium nick of time, and before the young murderer had time to thank him, the masked rider was gone with a roar of glass-packed mufflers, leaving the boy in a cloud of blue-white exhaust, with his Pt hair covered with dust. Oxygen, was that kid happy--he had beaten the rap and the Cu's were left without a solution to the mysterious murder of the teacher. In his exuberance the boy drove over to the county fair to celebrate. But crime does not pay--for in his dizzy exhilaration, the murderer fell to his death from the top of the Fe wheel.

by Jack Kolb

From: Ben Shaul <>


From: "Rowdy K. Welch" <> Subject: Insurance claim

S.C. Anderson
PO Box 1302
Minnetonka, MN 55345

Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put `Stupidity'. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the
circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extrcating myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the resturaunt quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 `On-the-Spot' news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His
discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductable) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an
intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

S. Anderson

From: Lee Bradley <> Subject: Lessons

I've copied this from a printed column (doesn't seem to be a newspaper, however) that a friend send me. I've re-arranged the entries so that the different writers will appear in chronological order.

I've learned that ...

... whining doesn't solve problems. --Age 10

... I should neve let my little brother take me for a ride in the golf cart. --Age 11

... your "I can" is more important than your "IQ." --Age 14

... you don't know the value of a dollar until you've earned it yourself. --Age 17

... I drive faster when a good song comes on the radio. --Age 22
... when you are in love, it shows. --Age 28

... when your wife simply answers "Nothing" when you ask what's wrong, you're in deep trouble. --Age 37

... having three teen-aged sons at the same time in the same household is as close to temporary insanity as I ever want to be. --Age 39
... of all the bad four-letter words, DIET is the worst. --Age 54
... a kindness given to one person is contagious and will be passed along. --Age 55

... you should never take your teeth out while flushing the commode. --Age 72
... if you pray for your enemies, you will stop hating them. --Age 74
... I wouldn't feel 85 years old if I didn't look in the mirror. --Age 85

From: David Olsen
Recently in alt.folklore.computers

Then there's a former supervisor who sat down to use a Mac in the office. Put his floppy in. Didn't mount. Put another floppy in. Same problem. Tried three or four times before asking for some help. You guessed it. No floppy drive. All the floppies were just falling into the Mac, where they had to be retrieved later by the guy the
supervisor called. They taped up the hole.
- Walter Hunt (

There is a story that a few months after the British government decreed that all schools should have a BBC micro, an engineer was called out to one school that had just got a disk drive. They arrived to find a tape cassette jammed in the drive and an eight-year-old standing there saying "I told her not to do it" (of the teacher). - Steve Linton (

HOWEVER, let's be fair about this. I'd also like the 'stupid techie tricks' as well. My own favorite is the time I spent all day training a group of managers how to do advanced dbase programming then had to ask the secretary for help because I couldn't figure out how to use her phone to call my office. Just proves, everybody's stupid in something ... - Jeff Zucker (

From: TLS@uvmadmin.bitnet
Subject: Programmer's Drinking Song
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Here's a little song that was sent to me from a colleague in Rochester, NY:
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
(Repeat until BUGS = 0)

From: Bill <>
Subject: Cannibal joke with European references

Two aboriginals, depressed by the outlawing of cannibalism, were picking through the trash at the German ambassador's mansion. One noticed a stack of magazines of photo-journalism (Danish school). He began stuffing pages into his mouth.

"What are you doing?" his bewildered cousin asked.

"Try one," he urged, handing over the centerfold. "This
dehydrated stuff is mighty fine."

From: Bill Robinson <>
Subject: An American in Paris

The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.

He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.

It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

From: John/Mary Ellen McWilliams <> Subject: Polish cowboy (off to Poles?)

Three cowboys, a Montana cowboy, a Wyoming cowboy, and a Polish cowboy had been marooned on a desert island for months without seeing another living soul. One day a bottle washed up on the shore. They rushed down, pulled out the cork, whereupon a big old genie about 50 feet high, came out. "Boys," said the genie, "I've been in that bottle for 1700 years, and I'm so grateful to you for letting me out I'm going to grant each of you one wish." Turning to the Montana cowboy, he asked "What do you wish for?" The Montana cowboy said, "I sure do miss punching cows. I wish I was on a horse on a ranch in Montana right now!" and poof! - he vanished! The genie turned to the Wyoming cowboy and said, "What do you wish for?" The Wyoming cowboy said "I sure do miss those rodeos in Wyoming. I wish I was on a bronc in a rodeo right now!" and -poof!-he vanished!
The genie turned to the Polish cowboy and said "and what do you wish for?" With tears streaming down his cheeks, the Polish cowboy said. "sniff-sniff-I sure do miss those two guys. I wish they were back here!" John

From: Larry Scott <>
Subject: Anger Versus Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered. "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He again dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
Originally from Arlene Degner

From: Alar Pardla <>
Subject: BLACK HUMOR: 3 shots

Once there was a competition.
The idea ov competition was - who is the best using longbow (and arrows).

Target was an apple ontop of a little boys head.

First man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the apple. "I'm Wilhelm Tell."

Second man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into Wilhelms arrow.
"I'm Robin Hood."

Then the third man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the boys left eye.
"I'm sorry!"

From: Jack Tanner <>
Subject: Irish

Pat goes into the bar on a crutch,his arm in a sling and bandages all over his head.

The bartender says " My God Pat,what the hell happened to you?" Pat says " I got in a brouhaha with Riley."
The bartender says " But Riley's just a wee man and you're full grown. He must of had something in his hand."
Pat says "That he did, a shovel."
The bartender says " My God man, didn't you have anything in your hand?" Pat says "That I did. The breast of Mrs. Riley. Beautiful thing it was but not much use in a fight."

From: BEN SHAUL <>
Subject: DESIRES


From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: MS-recipe (fwd)

Recipe for Windows 95


>2 cups of Windows 3.11
>1 cup of Windows for Workgroups 3.11
>1 tbps of Microsoft Lan Man
>1/2 cup Netware WINUP9.ZIP from
>1 cup free Microsoft 32bit TCP/IP from their BBS
>1 cup of MS-DOS
>1 cup of OS/2 Warp
>1/2 of 32-bit developers extensions to Windows

>1 large mixing bowl
>1 saucepan
>1 oven set at 350

In saucepan on low, boil WFW311 until only networking items
remain. Combine MS 32bit TCP/IP, LanMan, and Netware, stirring constantly to ensure an even mix.

In large mixing bowl, place regular Win311. Massage until
device driver structure is totally unrecognizable,
guaranteeing most current drivers unrunnable. Replace with
unknown and proprietary drivers, making sure to only add
support for the most popular hardware options.

Place the MS-DOS onto a cutting board. With a large meat
cleaver, hack off Doublespace, Backup, and half of the useful
DOS commands. Place the remains into the bowl, setting aside
the hidden files MSDOS.SYS.

Place OS/2 Warp on cutting board, hack of HPFS,
Crash-proofing, pre-emptive multitasking, and everything else
useful, leaving something that resembles the Workplace Shell
in appearance. Place this into bowl.

With hidden boot files from MSDOS, CAREFULLY combine with
32-bit extension. Place into bowl.

With large wooden spoon, vigorously mix contents in bowl,
permitting computer rag reporters ocassional glimpses into
the mess.

Place contents into breadpan and bake at a low heat for a
couple of years. When a Microsoft application can be inserted and withdrawn without clumps sticking, pronounce done. (It
doesn't matter if non-Microsoft apps stick or not)

I almost forgot the last line of the Recipe!

Ram unpalatable mixture down the public's throat!

From: Jeff Guinzburg <>
Subject: Gambling On People
A rather elderly lady carrying a soiled lunchbag walked into the main offices of the Chase Mahattan Bank, went to the nearest teller's window, plunked down the bag, and said: "I wish to make a deposit, but beforehand, I'd like to meet with the President of the bank."

The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a quick count showed there to be somewhat over 3 million dollars in cash in the sack!

Flabbergasted at the amount, he called upstairs to the President's office and explained the situation to his secretary who relayed it to her boss. The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President's office and introductions were made.

Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy sum, the President inquired:
"Are you in the stock market?"


"Play the horses then...?"

"No,..... actually I do wager,....... but I prefer to bet on people."
"I see." said the President.

"Yes", continued the old lady,...."As a matter of fact, I will wager you $25,000.00 dollars that by tomorrow morning at 9 O'clock your balls will be square!"

Speculating that he could not possibly lose the bet, the President said: "I'll have to take you up on that one!" He and the old lady shook hands and parted company.

The President was very carefull the rest of the day and did not go out that evening to avoid risk. Next morning as he was showering, he checked himself and all was as it should be. He went to work humming!

At exactly 9 O'clock the old lady was again shown into the President's office only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking gentleman in an expensive suit.

The woman explained, "This is Mr. Bartelby my attorney, I always bring him along when dealing in large sums."

The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said, "Well I hate to tell you this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25,000.00 richer!"
The old lady asked for proof, and in light of the sum involved, the President agreed to drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp his scrotum.

At this point the attorney started to bang his head against the President's desk with vigor.

"What's wrong with him?" asked the President.

"Oh him", said the woman, "I bet him $100,000.00 yesterday that by 9:15 tomorrow I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls!"

From: Andrew Walmsley <>
Computer Geeks:

These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?

I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead.

But that skill is becoming less important every year.

Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.
It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny:

Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support).

Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.

Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at tourists.

Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential.

And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months.If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.

Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.
It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've written so far.

If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone.

I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.)

Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.

You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at them twice.

It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go.

Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.

In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.

From: "Ben F. Cheek" <>
Subject: Elderly, sex, non-offensive

A ninety year old man is sitting on a park bench crying. The police drive by and see him. They stop to see what is wrong.

Police: "What's wrong?"
Elderly Man: "I'm married to a twenty year old woman." (Continues to cry) Police: "Sir, that's nothing to cry about, you should be happy." Elderly man: "You don't understand..(tears continue to flow)..she wants to have sex every morning and sex every evening." (Crying becomes more intense).
Police: "That's every man's why are you crying?"
Elderly man: (Crying becomes uncontrollable) "I can't find my way home!!!"

From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <> Subject: SEXX PROGRAMMERS GUIDE-C-VERSION(FWD) (fwd)

PREFACE: I am trying to write a program that enables computers to engage in sexual intercourse with a willing and able
partner (over a LAN or the Internet?).
In order for me to do that, I must first teach the
programmers writing this code what SEX is. That can
only be done in C (C++ version coming out soon).
So, here it is, excerpts from the book titled:
"SEXX, a brief practical introduction".
Also available are:
1) "SEXX - programmers' HANDbook".
2) "SEXX - programmers' guide".
3) "SEXX - programmers' tools".
4) "SEXX - programmers' manual".
---------------- page 1 ----------------
#include "people.h"
#include "items.h"
#include "places.h"
#include "personalities.h"

procedure sexx( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems )
person *ListOfPeople;
item *ListOfItems;
person *PARTNER1 = ListOfPeople,
*PARTNER2 = ListOfPeople->nextVictim;
sexual position; /* sexual is, of course, a special type */ money wallet;
int i;

if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 1 ) {
if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE ) {
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, SexDoll ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, ArtificialT*ts, ArtificialP***y ); else
ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourHand );
} else { /* if it's a FEMALE */
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, Vi***tor ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, GoodVibrations );
ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourFinger );
} else if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 2 ) {
if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE && PARTNER2->sex == MALE ) { printf("AIDS ALERT, AIDS ALERT\n");
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItem, Condoms ) == TRUE ) {
ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1 ); /* 2 wants to be on the top */
funcktion ORGY( );
/* See "SEXX - programmers' guide" for more details */

From: "Lee J. Verallo" <>
Subject: Applicable condom

The lady goes to a drug store and asks for some black condoms. The salesman says he's out of black condoms but he has yellow, red, green, violet, etc.

The lady says she really needs black condoms and the salesman aks her why the preference.

She answers, "My husband just passed away."

From: Bill <>
Subject: "I'm the son of the victim"

I read this joke while I was in India.

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd collected. A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. But being a bright young fellow with the normal ethical standards of his profession, he started crying loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the damaged car was the donkey it had run over.

From: Don Mabry <>
Subject: Math joke

A psychiatrist in a mental hospital decided to test three patients to determine if they were well enough to be released.

He asked the first one: "What is 3 times 3?"
The patient answered: "111."

He asked the same question of the second patient and was told
that the answer was "Tuesday."

He told both that they weren't healed and had to stay.

He asked the third one: "What is 3 times 3?"

The reply: "9."

"Great!!! You're cured! You can go home, but tell me how you knew the answer?"

The patient replied: "Simple. I divided 111 by Tuesday!"

From: Kim-An Lieberman <>
Subject: Warnings (doesn't need one--not offensive)

from the Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition

Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy:
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.

- Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
- Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) - Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
- First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions

- On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg) - On a pack of cigarettes:
WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)
- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas)
- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel, Washington)
- On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon) - On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)
- On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) - On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
- On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
- On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown)
- On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
- On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
- On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington) - On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)
- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney) - On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
- On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
- On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville)
- On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
- And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).

Subject: Lonely priest

A priest was sent to a remote and deserted area in Alaska. After several months the Bishop came to visit and said, "I don't know how you can stand it here. It's so must be very difficult." "Yes," said the priest, "I don't think I could stand it if it wasn't for my rosary and martinis." "By the way, would you like to have a martini?" "Yes, that would be nice," said the Bishop. The priest turned towards the kitchen and called out, "Rosary...please bring in two martinis." Lyle's Joke Boutique.

From: Hugh Pritchard <>
Subject: Slide rules

Reasons Why a Slide Rule (and Paper Pad) are Better than a Computer
1. A slide rule doesn't shut down abruptly when it gets too hot. 2. One hundred people all using slide rules and paper pads do not start wailing and screaming due to a file server failure.
3. A slide rule doesn't smoke whenever the power supply hiccups. 4. A slide rule doesn't care if you smoke, or hiccup.
5. You can spill coffee on a slide rule; you can use a slide rule while completely submerged in coffee.
6. You never get nasty system messages about filling up your entire paper quota.
7. A slide rule and paper pad fit in a briefcase with space left over for lunch and a change of underwear.
8. You don't get junk mail offering pricey slide rule upgrades. 9. A slide rule doesn't need scheduled hardware maintenance.
10. A paper pad supports text and graphics images easily, and can be easily upgraded from monochrome to color.
11. Slide rules are designed to a standardized, open architecture. 12. You can hold a slide rule at arm's length, to hit the obnoxious person at the next seat over.
13. A slide rule is immune to viruses, worms, and other depredations from hostile adolescents with telephones.
14. Additional paper pads can be integrated into the system seamlessly without reconfiguring anything.
15. Nobody will make you feel bad by introducing a smaller, faster, cheaper slide rule next month.

From: Jim Moser <> Subject: Vasectomy (off. to EthnicGroupName)

(the telling of this joke requires a tube or a sheet of paper)
an walks into his physicians office and says "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm only 30, and already i have eleven kids!"

the doc looks at him and says "Say, you're an aren't you?"
the replies in the affirmative.

doc continues "What you need is an vasectomy. Look it's simple. So simple you can do it yourself, in the privacy and comfort of your own home. Here's what you do: take a piece of paper, roll it into a tube. stuff in about a dozen M-80s (a powerful firecracker), hold one end to your ear, toss in a lit cigarette, and count to ten. Simple."
is somewhat skeptical about this and goes for a second opinion.
the second doc gives him exactly the same advice, so home he goes.
he gets a piece of paper, rolls it into a tube (here you make a tube, stuff it with _imaginary_ firecrackers),stuffs it with firecrackers and holds it to his ear (hold it to your ear, and toss in an _imaginary_ cigarette), and tosses in a lit cigarette.

(now start to count to ten. since you are simulating a , and _everyone_ knows they can't count, use your fingers and slowly count:)

(you've run out of fingers, and need five more. to keep from losing count, place the tube between your legs and use the newly free hand to continue the count. usually/hopefully the listener gets it before you get to ten.)

BTW, for best results, this joke should be told by a male.

From: "Timothy J. Rawlings" <>
Subject: Ducks and Heaven

One day there were three men walking down the street. One
was Jewish, one was Indian, and one was Polish. All three
got hit by a semi, and went to Heaven.

Everything was fine and dandy, but there was one rule: You
CANNOT step on a duck! If someone stepped on a duck, they
had to spend all their time in Heaven with an ugly person.

One day the Indian and Polack are walking down the street
and they see the Jew walking with a hideous woman. They
go up to him and ask, "What'd you do??" He replied, "I
stepped on one of those damned ducks!"

The next day the Jew and Polack are walking down the street
when they see the Indian walking with an absolutely disgusting
woman. To double check, they ask, "What'd YOU do?" to
which he replied, "I stepped on one of those damned ducks too!"
Another day rolled by in Heaven... The Jew and the Indian
were walking down the street and they saw the Polack walking
with a drop-dead gorgeous woman. Wondering how they got
ugly women and he got so lucky, they ask, "What'd you do?"
The woman turned to them and sadly stated, "I stepped on
a duck..."

From: "Scott H. Brooksby" <>
Subject: Monkey

The King of the Jungle was walking down his favorite path one day just looking for something to eat. Before long a monkey found himself face to face with the young lion. "You've got two choices" said the lion "I'll bite off your head or your tail". "Bite of my head" replied the monkey. "You understand that you'll die if I bite of your head, don't you?" said the lion. To this the monkey states "but if you bite off my tail, I'll look like a nigger!".

From: Jack Tanner <>
Subject: sexually explicit

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."
While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy " Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks " What're you doing in there?"
The guy say " I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks " Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers " To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

From: Mark Pendleton <>
Subject: What kind of meat is this? (fwd)

An American tourist in Mexico sees an item on the menu of the restaurant. Cojones de Toro. He asks the waiter what this is and is told "That, Senor is a special cut from the bull killed each day in the bullfight." The American orders it and the whole time he's eating tries to figure out what the 3 to 4 inch diameter lightly breaded disks are. He can't, so asks the waiter exactly what "special cuts" he just ate. When he learns that they were bull's testicles he is nonplussed, but then decides that since he enjoyed the food so much not knowing what it was it would be silly to not enjoy it now. So, every day he returns and orders the same thing. One day about two weeks later, he notices that the meat is the same color, but instead of 3 or 4 inches in diameter, each piece is onlyabout an inch or so. Calling the waiter, he asks why the sudden change in size. "Oh, Senor," replies the waiter, "the bull, he is not always the one to lose!"

From: Jim Moser <> Subject: Adam's instructions from God
And God told Adam: " I've got good news and bad news: I have given you the most powerful brain of all the creatures on the Earth. It will allow you to have dominion over all the animals. You will use it to create civilizations, kingdoms; it's vast creative and analytical powers will even take mankind to the stars.

Also, in order to ensure the procreation of the species, I have made a most amazing organ of reproduction. It will give you and your mate incredible pleasure."

Adam, properly impressed, asked "So what's the bad news?"

God spoke and said: "Well we had a little problem with the blood supply: there's only enough to run one at a time."

From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <> Subject: I need worms!

The joke about the cleric and the 'Goddam ants' reminded me of the following:

A lady had a most insolent and pig-headed child named Tom. One day Tom threw a tantrum and refused to eat anything. Breakfast time went by and Tom remained starving. The lady decided to take Tom to the family doctor.
The good doctor, who had treated Tom since birth, tried to cajole Tom into eating. All kinds of enticements ranging from ice-cream to apple pies to chocolates were refused. "What DO you want to eat?" asked the good doctor in exasperation. "Worms", said Tom. The lady started to admonish Tom, but the good doctor said, "Wait here, while I go and get some worms". After a little digging in the garden the good doctor returned with a plastic-bag full of worms. "Are these what you want?" asked the good doctor. "I want them in a plate", cried out Tom. "OK, OK", said the good doctor, hunted around for a plate and placed the worms. "Now, eat them", said the good doctor. "I want them fried" cried out Tom. The good doctor looked ready to burst a valve. "Now Tommy ...", started the lady, but she was interrupted by the good doctor. "OK, OK, OK", he said, started the stove, put on the frying pan and fried them. A disgusting smell pervaded the room. "NOW, eat them", said the good doctor. "You eat half first", said Tom, looking at the red-faced good doctor. The good doctor pulled out a fork and knife, cut up the worms in halves and proceeded to stuff them down his throat. As the good doctor laid down the fork and knife, Tom began to cry "You ate my half. BAAAAAAW, BAAAAAAW."

From: Lee Bradley <> Subject: Religion and sex < offensive to non-liberals >

A Catholic priest, a Rabbi, and a Methodist minister were discussing sin, and the Methodist asked, "Tell me, guys, have you ever sinned and broken the laws of your religion?" "I must admit," responded the Rabbi, "I was always very very curious about how pork tastes, so once, just once, I stopped at a bar-be-que restaurant when I was on a vacation and ate a pork sandwich. In fact, it was so delicious, I ate four of them, knowing I'd never have the nerve to sin again like that."
The Catholic joined in, "Well, I had the same curiosity about sex, and that being forbidden, I didn't know which sex would appeal to me more, so I once, while in seminary, had a sixteen-year-old girl and her brother at the same time. I was so overcome with feelings of guilt that I've never done anything like that again. Well, what about you, Pastor Bob?" The Methodist said, "My besetting sin is GOSSIP, and I just can't wait to tell everybody in town what you guys have said!"

From: Ann Dellarocco <>
Subject: self-control (fwd)

A guy applied for a job where security was of the utmost importance. He was told: "We are looking for someone who can keep his mouth shut."

The guy said, "I can."

Interviewer: "Okay, we will see, then started him out at less than the minimum wage.

From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <> Subject: Land of hoppers (off. to Texans, off. Australians?)
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

From: "Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber (Star" <> Subject: Ban DHMO!


Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

From: Ann Dellarocco <>
Subject: another doctor

A pretty young lady named Nancy just broke off her engagement
to a young doctor.

Do you mean to tell me, exclaimed her friend, that he actually
asked you to return all the presents?

Nancy: Not only that, but he also sent me a bill for house calls.

From: Maurizio MORABITO <>
Subject: C+- / for the next century (geek oriented)

New & improved programming language...

C + -
(pronounced "C more or less")

Unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language. Each C+- class instance known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or undeclared preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well as public members known as boasts or claims. The following C operators are overridden as shown:

> better than
< worse than
>> much better than
<< forget it
! not on your life
== comparable, other things being equal.

C+- is a strongly typed language based on stereotyping and self-righteous logic. The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as constants in less realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE and DUBIOUS, which are fuzzier than Zadeh's traditional fuzzy categories. All Booleans can be declared with the modifiers strong and weak. Weak implication is said to "preserve deniability" and was added at the request of the D.O.D. to ensure compatability with future versions of Ada. Well-formed falsehoods (WFFs) are assignment-compatible with all Booleans. What-if and why-not interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y.
C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor sharing. Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be killed by arranging contracts. Note that friendships are intransitive, volatile, and non-Abelian.

Single and multiple inheritance mechanisms are implemented with random mutations. Disinheritance rules are covered by a complex probate protocol. In addition to base, derrived, virtual, and abstract classes, C+- supports gut classes. In certian locales, polygamous derivations and bastard classes are permitted. Elsewhere, loose coupling between classes is illegal, so the marriage and divorce operators may be needed:

marriage (MParent1, FParent1);
// child classes can now be derrived
sclass MySclass: public MParent1, FParent1
{ // define MySclass

sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
// illegitimate

divorce (MParent1, FParent1);

marriage (MParent1, FParent2);
sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
{ // OK now

Operator precedence rules can be suspended with the directive #pragma dwim, known as the "Do what I mean" pragma. ANSIfication will be firmly resisted. C+-'s slogan is "Be Your Own Standard."

From: Spike Winski! <>
Subject: Drunks getting free drinks (offensive language, obscene theme)
Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says "Alright, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, " I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?"

The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"

The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it.

"What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing. "That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!"

So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."

"Sausage?" says the first. "I finished the sausage about 8 bars ago!"

From: "Mark J. Scheller" <>
Subject: The Lord's Prayer
I was just reminded of this joke, and thought I'd pass it on to the 'list (NOTE for our international readers, Anheiser-Busch is the company that produces Budweiser beer).

The CEO of Anheiser-Busch obtained an audience with the Pope. After discussing a few things with the Pope he offered the Catholic Church $10 million if they would make one little alteration in the Lord's Prayer: change "Give us this day our daily _bread_" to "Give us this day our daily _Bud_."

The Pope was horrified, "No, no, we can't do that!"

The next day, the CEO gets another audience with the Pope and gets right to business: "I'll give you $25 million for that simple word change." The Pope again turns down his offer, "Look, this is the Lord's Prayer you're talking about! It's based on scripture, and there's *just no way* I could make that change!"

Some time passes, and the CEO manages to secure yet another audience with the Pope. This time he offers $100 million. The Pope agrees. Now he's got to tell his church about the change. At the next board meeting, the Pope stands up and announces, "I've got some good news, and some bad news. The good news: Anheiser-Busch has generously donated $100 million to our Church. . The bad news: our contract with _Wonder Bread_ has been terminated."

From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <> Subject: The dancing God
First of all a little background information: In Bombay we have a festival for the Lord Ganesh that lasts 9 days (including blaring music, cultural programmes etc.). The nine days of festivities end in a massive procession with the usual fireworks, brass band music and dancing when the idol of Lord Ganesh (made of clay and painstakingly painted and adorned in very artistic ways) is immersed in the Arabian sea. Nowhere is this festival celebrated with as much vigour as Bombay.

Now for the (supposed) joke.

Three Bombayites are trapped in a 'lifeboat' that has a big leak. They are in the middle of the ocean and the a violent storm is in progress. One of them (a devout Christian) kneels down and prays to Jesus to save him. Suddenly there is a crack of thunder, a bolt of lightning and a voice booms, "My son, I am pleased with your devotion and am rescuing you". The Christian is whisked away (and presumably saved). The second guy (a Muslim) sees this, faces in the general direction of Mecca, kneels and starts to recite the Holy Koran. Again there is a crack of thunder, a bolt of lightning and a voice booms, "My son, I am pleased with your devotion and am rescuing you". The Muslim is whisked away (and presumably saved). The third Bombayite is a Hindu. He starts to recite all the scriptures that he knows and is soon rewarded by a crack of thunder and a bolt of lightning. He keeps praying, but the hoped for voice does not boom. He opens his eyes and sees Lord Ganesh with a delightful smile adorning his face, dancing on the bow of the sinking lifeboat. The Hindu cries out, "Why don't you rescue me? Didn't you see how the others were rescued"? Lord Ganesh replies, "Every year, you take me out in a large procession and dance all the way to the sea where you immerse me. Today it is my turn".

From: Andrew J Rawstron <> Subject: History

Taken from article by K M Rose in Chemical & Engineering News (of all places) May 1, 1995. Excerpts of genuine History papers from 8th grade up in the Chicago area.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people that lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three types of column - Corinthian, ironic and dorc - and built the Apocalypse. They also had myths. A myth is female moth.

Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pina, and the Santa Fe...Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Sir Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practised on an old spinster, which he kept in the attic.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west.

From: Nisheeth <>
Subject: Eighteen Bottles of Whiskey

The Eighteen Bottles

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

From: "Musat, Bob" <>
Subject: student test answers!

I got these from a friend, who got them from another list, and thought they were hilarious. I thought I'd share them with you. they're in the same genre as the student bloopers of recent note. - oxo
- - - - -

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world.
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

From: Gwen Eckman
Subject: Is Windows a virus?

Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus.

Subject: Have a beer on me

A bartender notices that a customer comes in and orders three beers. He drinks them down one by one while sitting there laughing and chuckling to himself. The bartender is curious about this unusual behavior and asks the customer about it. He explains, "I'm alone in this town and I miss my two brothers and the good times we had drinking together. So, every now and then I have a beer for each of us and I think about old times." The bartender is touched by the tender sentiment and feelings of brotherly love. However, several weeks later he happens to notice the man is ordering only two beers at a time. He says, "I notice you're only drinking two beers now. Did something happen to one of your brothers?" "No, they're OK," he answers, "It's just that I recently stopped drinking." Lyle's Joke Boutique.

From: Jack Kolb
Subject: late new year's resolutions
From: Gary Guibor


Resolution #1
1992: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
1993: I will not leave Marge.
1994: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
1995: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2
1992: I will stop looking at other women.
1993: I will not get involved with Wanda.
1994: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
1995: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
1992: I will not let my boss push me around.
1993: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of
1994: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
1995: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
1992: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
1993: I will read at least 10 books a year.
1994: I will read 5 books a year.
1995: I will finish "MS DOS 2.0 Made Easy."

Resolution #5
1992: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
1993: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
1994: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
1995: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6
1992: I will get my weight down below 180.
1993: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
1994: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below
1995: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
Resolution #7
1992: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
1993: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
1994: I will not become a "problem drinker".
1995: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
1992: I will not spend my money frivolously.
1993: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
1994: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
1995: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by

Resolution #9
1992: I will see my dentist this year.
1993: I will have my cavities filled this year.
1994: I will have my root canal work done this year.
1995: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
1992: I will go to church every Sunday.
1993: I will go to church as often as possible.
1994: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 1995: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Resolution #11
1992: I will spend more time with my children.
1993: I will try to remember my children's names.
1994: I will bail my kids out of jail more quickly.
1995: I will try to find my kids.

Resolution #12
1992: I will upgrade my XT computer.
1993: I will find programs which still run on my XT computer.
1994: I will not be frustrated with my XT computer.
1995: I will buy a computer to replace my destroyed XT computer.
Thanks Ken Ellis [He never met a resolution he couldn't break]

From: Bill
Subject: Urban legend #138


A FRIEND of a friend was well acquainted with the daughters of an eminent bishop. Both the bishop and his wife had recently passed away and the daughters had mournfully cleared the old house of mementoes.
In his youth the bishop and his wife had answered a calling to the far east and spent many happy years in various missionary positions throughout the Orient. During this time the bishop's hard-working wife was presented with a striking bronze medallion heavily decorated with wonderful Chinese characters and complete with chain.

The cleric's spouse was so taken with the medallion that she wore it always and noted with considerable satisfaction the fascination it never failed to arouse in any local company. It evinced a studied awe from eastern intellectuals, none of whom seemed able to translate the inscription. But the medallion had a magnetic effect; people seemed to want to get close to her. The worthy dame put this down to the medal's talismanic effect.

But the daughters harboured no passion for their departed mother's prize possession and the inscrutable memento was up for sale in the auction rooms with all her other belongings.

The daughters were pleased to be informed that the medallion was definitely the most talked about item under the hammer. But satisfaction turned to shame when they saw the catalogue entry, which read, 'Three inch diameter solid bronze Chinese medallion. Early 20th century. Cantonese inscription reads (transl.) 'City of Shanghai Registered Prostitute No179'.'

From: Larry Scott
Subject: Technical terms

Acoustic Modem : A modem jury rigged from spare electronic parts and a wooden staff normally used to play billiards.

ASCII : Ancient deity of telecomputing. Rumored to bestow vast volumes of data upon supplicants. Hence the saying "ASCII and ye shall receive".

Auto Answer : What the author of this column should do when informed that a COMPUTE! editor is calling to find out where in blazes this month's column is.

BBS : Tall tales of telecomputing told by insects that produce honey.

Block Parity : One heck of a good time.

Carrier Detect : Raison d'etre for premarital blood test.

CBBS : More tall tales of telecomputing told by Naval engineers.

Ethernet : Device used to catch the Ether bunny.

File Transfer : Procedure followed by telecomputerists who become tired of their present job.

Hayes Compatible : Prone to riding with a grizzled old cowhand who sings off key. Gene Autry is the accepted industry standard.

Kermit : A popular file-transmission protocol, most effective for short hops.

Local Area Network : A UHF television station that carries high school sporting events.

Macro : A tasty saltwater fish.

Modem : What landscapers do to lawns.

OAG : The sound a telecomputing buff makes after opening the monthly phone bill. (Moral: Ask not for whom the Bell tolls.)

Off Hook : What the author of this column is after finally finishing it.

Online : Where you hang your laundry to dry.

Prime Time : Any hour of the day divisible by 1 and itself.

Packet Switch Delay: Intermittent data flow caused by heavy traffic in a packet network. Most famous example was HULANET, a packet network set up in Hawaii to facilitate communications between manufactures of pineapple, guava, papaya, and passion fruit juices. Due to high data volume, HULANET was plagued with frequent, excessive delays. (Moral: Don't wait for the punch line.)

Protocol : For golf, Arnold Palmer or Jack Nicklaus.

Serial Interface : A spoon.

Terminal Emulation : Function performed by canines when commanded to lie on their backs with legs in the air.
Upload : A group of tourists on their way to the observation deck of the Sears Tower.

Videotex : The largest commercial purveyor of VCRs and televisions in Dallas.

XModem : A telecommunications device that was on the losing end of an encounter with lightning.

From: Ann Dellarocco
Subject: doctors

A doctor arrived at a mountain cabin to deliver a baby. They
had no electricity. The doctor said to the husband, "Hold the
lantern over your wife."

The baby arrived. Then another. The father ran out of the house.
Doctor: "Come back with the light."
Husband: "No sir," yelled the horrified man, "the light's attracting them."

Subject: A big 2 on the Pizza Meter

[Note: OPSEC is short for "Operations Security", i.e. ensuring a potential enemy cannot guess what you're about to do]

Earlier this year we reported that Domino's Pizza claims it can predict when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the increase in pizza deliveries to the Pentagon and the White House. Pizza orders increased substantially just prior to troop deployments to Grenada, Panama, and the Middle East.
According to The Washington Times of August 21, 1991, during the early hours of the abortive Kremlin coup in August, Domino's "Pizza Meter" registered 102 deliveries to the Pentagon, breaking the Gulf War record by one; the White House ordered 52 pizzas, breaking its Gulf War record by seven.
The CIA, by contrast, learned its OPSEC lesson: There were only two orders, and they were quickly cancelled.

"We make loans to large businesses, then wait six months."

Subject: Hackers vs. Users

After spending a few 24-hour sessions with my new '386 box, I have come to realize the basic difference between a Hacker and a User: A User buys a faster computer so he can spend _less_ time with it.
From: (mathew sutherland)
Subject: Dog of a joke

Seen on Pavlov's door:
Don't ring bell.

From: (EED1::WEHR)
Subject: Frantic father-to-be

Heard on the WRIF morning radio show in Detriot:
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" a voice queries.
"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

From: Bill <>
Subject: Humor: An expensive fishing trip

Two Ohio guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the
equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the Michigan woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they are driving home they are really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!

From: Nico van der Vyver <>
Subject: humor : business brief!

How do you get 20 business men into a mini-van?
Promote one and watch the other 19 climb up his ass.

From: Steve Chastain <> Subject: Offensive to the Iraqi government

A high ranking official of the Iraqi Government was visiting a weapons manufacturing sight in the United States. Suddenly it turned noon and the whistle blew, and all of the workers started to leave for lunch.
"STOP THEM!!" The Iraqi cried, "They will escape!"
"Nonsense" the US manufacturer said, "they will come back when the whistle blows again in one hour."

One hour later the whistle blew again and all of the workers returned from lunch break.

The Iraqi official said, "Screw the weapons! I'm sure our fearless leader Saddam Hussein would pay top dollar for your whistle!"

From: Henry Cate <>
Subject: Life 8.G

From rec.humor

A drunk staggered out of a saloon and bumped into a lampost.
"Pardon me sir", he said and staggered down the street. He
bumped into a mailbox and said "Pardon me madam". Next he
stumbled over a fireplug and said "Pardon me little boy."
At that point he sat on the curb and said "I'm going to wait
here until this crowd passes."

Did you hear that the South is lobbying the Big 3 auto makers
to put the high beam switch back on the floor?
Yea, too many "rednecks" were getting their foot
caught in the steering wheel!!!!!

What is the definition of an economist? "Someone who loves
the numbers but does not have the personality of an accountant..
In the county of Kent, in south-east England, there is a village called Ham, and a town called Sandwich ... and yes, the inevitable sign does exist. At a T-junction, there is a sign which reads:
<__Ham________|__Sandwich_ >

Q: What do you get when you play a new-age song backwards?
A: A new-age song

My uncle (retired Air Force colonel) recently flew with our national airline. Our air force spends a lot of money to educate pilots, only to see them defect to private airlines, so there's some friction between the air force people and those particular pilots.
Anyway, as my uncle boarded the plane he recognised the pilot. In a not too subdued voice he said "Oh, yes, I remember him; we threw him out of the airforce years ago". Later, as the plane was about to take of, a stewardess came up to my uncle (sitting forwards in plane) and said in the loud voice "the pilot said to ask you to move back, we're having trouble getting the plane off the ground" (my uncle being somewhat solid).

[This brings to mind a line in a Tony Hillerman novel:
"When Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves, he f orgot to include graduate students." Ed. ]

A real quote:
"No, but they gave one to me anyway." -- LA Lakers rookie Elden Campbell when asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University

Hindsight is the only exact science

As an extremely talkative child, I never realized how exhausting my constant chatter must have been for my family until one day
at the dentist's office. The dentist informed my mother that,
for a 12-year-old, I seemed to have very small teeth.
My harried mother replied, "Wind erosion."

All extremists should be taken out and shot.

The world is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think. - Horace Walpole
Comedian James Gregory does a whole routine on this in country-bumkin mode. One of my favorites is above doors on airplanes saying:
"Do not open while plane is in flight". This probably means that sometime, somewhere, some guy turned to his wife after dinner and says "Honey, I think I just take a little stroll outside".

Subject: In a Perfect World...


...a person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17, and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17. could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
...forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
...doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most. baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
...people would always have good reasons to be optimistic. would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
...the mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
...potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with dip, the calories would be neutralized.
...if the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but he would do it.
...first impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance.
...winning might be a nice thing, but that would be all.
...all people would expect to be accepted.
...every one in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."

By John Gratton in Drexel, Mo., _Star_ (Reprinted in August 1995 _Reader's Digest_)

...highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.
...the better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
...warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12. ...more would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.

From: sidney moskowitz <>
Subject: Robbing a Chinese Restaurant

This guy with a gun walks up to the cashier of this Chinese Restaurant and says, "Put all your money in a paper bag and give it to me!"
The cashier asks, "To take out?"

From: Phil Glowatz <>
Subject: Polish Joke (off. to Polish People)

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Polack joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I'm Polish. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's Polish. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's Polish. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

From: Jack Kolb <>
Subject: Victim's revenge (offensive to potential rapists)
>From Mike Royko, The Dallas Morning News Saturday, May 1, 1993 WOULD-BE RAPE VICTIM TAKES CHARGE OF SITUATION

We have had the year of the woman and it still is going on, with females being elected to high office and named to Cabinet posts, and the power of Hillary Rodham Clinton.
But what about Curtesine Lloyd? You never heard of her? Well, she is my choice as one of the most amazing and heroic women of recent years. Ms. Lloyd is a middle-aged nurse who lives with an elderly aunt in the the rural hamlet of Edwards, Miss., near Jackson.
This is her story, most of it taken from a court transcript. One night, Ms. Lloyd was awakened by a sound. She thought it was her aunt going to the bathroom.
Suddenly, a man stepped into her bedroom. Terrified, she sat up. He shoved her back down and said, "You better not turn on a light. You holler, you're dead. You better not breathe loud."
He declared his intentions, which were to rob her and commit sexual assault. Of course, he phrased it far more luridly.
Then he took off most of his clothing and jumped into bed.
Here is what happened next, according to court records:
Ms. Lloyd: "I got it by my right hand. And when I grabbed it, I gave it a yank. And when I yanked it, I twisted all at the same time." (Need I explain what Ms. Lloyd meant by "it"? I think not.) "He hit me with his right hand a hard blow beside the head, and when he hit me, I grabbed hold to his scrotum with my left hand and I was twisting it the opposite way. He started to yell, and we fell to the floor, and he hit me a couple of more licks, but they were light licks. He was weakening some then."
With Ms. Lloyd still hanging on with both hands, squeezing and twisting, they somehow struggled into the hallway.
"He was trying to get out, and I'm hanging onto him, and he was throwing me from one side of the hall wall to the other. I was afraid if I let him go, he was going to kill me."
"So I was determined I was not going to let loose. So we were going down the hallway, falling form one side to the other, and we got into the living room and both fell. He brought me down right in front of the couch, and he leaned back against the couch, pleading with me."
"He says, 'You've got me, you've got me, please, you've got me.' I said, 'I know I got you.' He said, 'Please, please, you're killing me, you're killing me...I can't do nothing. Call the police, call the police." "I said, 'Do you think I'm stupid enough to turn you loose and call the police?' He said, 'Well, what am I gonna do?' I said, 'You're gonna get out of my house.' He said, 'How can I get out of your house if you won't let me go? How can I get out? I can't get out?'"
"I said, 'Break out, you broke in didn't you?' And I was still holding him."
"He said, 'Oh , you've got me suffering.' I said, "Have you thought about how you were going to have me suffering?' He said, 'Well I can't do nothing now.' 'I said, 'Well that's fine.'"
Ms. Lloyd, still twisting and squeezing, dragged the lout to the front door, which had two locks and told him to unbolt them.
It was a difficult process because he kept collapsing to the floor and she kept hauling him back to his feet.
When he finally unlocked the doors, he screamed; "I'm out, I'm out." Ms. Lloyd, now confident, ran into her aunt's room, got a pistol from underneath the night stand, ran back to the screen door and fired two shots. Then she dialed 911.
The police came and examined the man's clothing. Inside the trousers was written the name Dwight Coverson. They found Mr. Coverson, 29, at home, in considerable pain and wondering if he ever could be a daddy. A one day trial was held. As Mr. Coverson's court-appointed lawyer put it: "The jury was out 10 minutes. Long enough for two of them to go to the bathroom."
And the judge gave him 25 years in prison.
The defense lawyer also said Ms. Lloyd was recently on a local Mississippi TV news show and mentioned that she had been contacted about a possible movie of her story.
That is a film I would pay to see.
As for Mr. Coverson, if this column should find its way to his prison, I hope the guys in his cell block don't giggle too much.

From: Nico van der Vyver <>
Subject: Humor : May be offensive to Catholics : Nuns are fun!
With complements to my friend Anirban Sengupta who is not a 'contributor' and asked me to send this one in (plus a few others to follow over the next few days).

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."

From: "Jay Sandhu [ESRI-Redlands]" <> Subject: Russian computer game humor
A line of Russian soldiers stands in front of a huge
rectangular hole in the ground.
Sergant commands:- "Private Ivanov!"
- "Yes, sir."
- "Stand like this:"

| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |

The soldier jumps into the hole.
The sergant commands again:
- "Private Pyetrov!!"
- "Yes, sir!"
- "Stand like this:"

| O
\ -|-|
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
-" Yes, sir!"
-" Jump!"

The soldier jumps and falls into the hole.
The sergant commands again:
-" Private Sidorov!!"
-" Yes, sir!"
_" Stand like this:"

| | |
| | |
| | |
| |
| |
| |
| |
-" Yes, sir!"
At this point a car with a colonel arrives to that
place. Colonel, very angry, comes up to the sergant
and tells him: "Comrad sergant, how many times do

From: Jan Kucera <>
Subject: Raped by an ape

A married couple visits a zoo. They are watching apes, standing close to the cage. Suddenly a big male gorilla bends the rails, pulls the lady inside and begins to tear the dress off her.
"What am I to do, Frankie?!?" shrieks the lady.
"As usual, Mary," replies her husband, "tell him you have a headache."

From: Gwen Eckman <>
Subject: stop monitoring my email!


TULSA, OKLA -- The Oklahoma Supreme Court has ruled on a case that any legal experts believe clearly delineates the e-mail privacy rights of computer users in the workplace. Judge Stan Musing declared that employees have a right to expect that their employers will refrain from monitoring e-mail messages transmitted on company systems. The case went to court after programmer Augustus Lindsey's supervisor monitored his e-mail and intercepted a message from Lindsey to a colleague. The message read: "That little sex kitten has been driving me wild. She's moaning and begging for it every minute. Last night I was afraid someone would hear, and we'd be thrown out of the building. But don't worry -- all is arranged. Wednesday she gets the knife". Lindsey's supervisor alerted authorities, suspecting that a crime was in the making. Lindsey was arrested on the spot and spent an uncomfortable night discussing the situation with the police. However, he was released in the morning, just in time to get his female cat to the vet for spaying. Lindsey sued his boss for invasion of privacy and sought punitive damages as well.

From: "Sarbjit S. Sahansra" <> Subject: May be offensive to African American men

A brother died and went to heaven only to be greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says to him that I know you have been good all your life but I can only let you in if you prove to me that you have truly accomplished something in life.

At this the brother says to St. Peter that I have had some very passionate sex with the great grand daughter of the Great Grand Ku-Klux-Man under the bleacher during a Ku-Klux-Man meeting. WOW!!!!, says St. Peter that is very impressive; but how come I don't see this on the list of your life. When exactly did you do this??????

Approximately a couple of minutes ago.....................

From: Ann Dellarocco <>
Subject: devil made me do it

Mother, admonishing her young son for lying: "Son, if you keep on lying, a bad man with a tail and pitchfork will catch you and force you to work in a fiery hole for 50 years. You won't tell another lie, now, will you?"

Boy: "No, mom. You tell them better than I do."

From: Ann Dellarocco <>
Subject: Richard the Lionhearted

Richard's young son, age 5, came running: "Daddy, Daddy, there is a lion in the garage."

Richard: "Nonsense, son. You know there isn't any lion in there. Here, I will go there empty-handed and show you."

Richard would have been 35 next month.

From: Altar Ariel <> Subject: The 10 Commandments (off. to bible addicts)

Do you know why the 10 commandments were written on 2 stone tablets?
there are 2 reasons:

1. When God offered them to the jews, they demanded to know the price. When they heard it was free, they asked for two.

2. God used a font that was to large to fit all 10 into a single page.

From: Vito T Dressel <>
Subject: Cannibal joke

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

From: Low-volume punny guy
Subject: The history of DOS

Found this gem on the NANET Comedy Conference. If you know anything about DOS vs Windows vs OS/2 vs... then READ IT.

How It Came To Pass...

Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support but few rams.

So the Gatekeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught few new tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.

At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and complained that he could be neither dragged nor dropped. "Forsooth," they cried. "the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and of names, he knows only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple.

Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awhile in the Parc of Xer-Ox, and he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish and do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish.

Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and spoke thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the Dosfish." The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new creature OZ II.

Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another OZ II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim the fast new 32-bit wide Pea Sea.

Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was the prettiest of all. And the people began to like the third Window, and to use it. So the Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie on thee, for I need thee not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea."

Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers.
Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ II Too onto the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said, "It is indeed great, but we see little application for it." And they were doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was most pink.

Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with peers. And the Entity would swim, not only in the Pea Sea, but in the Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared, "though my entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a world of Eunuchs.

And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity, and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and it too would be built of objects.

Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had grown, and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their oceans, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of them thought to immigrate.

Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.

And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had given up building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest ram of all.

And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on the simple Dosfish.

From: Mike Kidulich <>
Subject: Down-sizing solar system (off to US Congress) (long)
Found this gem on the Planetary Society WWW Page:

House to Downsize Solar System ;-)

WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA
oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed
congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed earlier this summer.

"Look, we have three terrestrial planets" said Congressman Rip U. Apart
(R, Del.), "and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the other two and clean up the neighborhood?" Most subcommittee members felt
that while downsizing was definitely in the cards, eliminating both Mars and Venus was going too far. "We have too many international
commitments to Mars." said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we should keep Mars and dump Venus. Its too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using it as an example of what global warming can do. So from a political and practical point of view, Venus has got to go."

Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?" asked Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So what good is it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of useless planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once and for all."

However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the
terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in the solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter and Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter employs the most
molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes." said
Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). "On the other hand, Uranus is a bore and its rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far away. So begone with those ugly bruisers."

But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed by NASA's success thus far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to Saturn, alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. "If there ain't
no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini" he exclaimed. The congressman also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter this December).

The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they deemed a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do without." continued Fornow. "A few years ago, it was farthest from the
sun. Now its not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?"

The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administrator Golden has vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that "NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper, faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system were downsized" stated Golden.

Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists who have long opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets. Thus, the matter is far from resolved.

Subject: Ala carte ?

An American tourist visited a small town in Spain. The residents had never seen an American before, so he was treated as an honored guest at the hotel. Dinning for the first night, he asked the waiter what he recommended for dinner. He suggested the "cojones". The tourist asked what they were and the waiter replied, "Those are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today." He was shocked but agreed to try them after being assured it was a delicacy reserved only for special guests. The tourist found them to be very tasty. The next night he again ordered them for dinner. The waiter complied but somewhat reluctantly. The tourist again found them to be very tasty but asked the waiter why they were so much smaller than before. The waiter said, "You see, Senor, sometimes it is the bull that wins!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.

From: Altar Ariel <> Subject: Boyfriend

- Mummy, my new boyfriend the one I've been dating for 2 weeks wants to marry me. What shall I do?
- Accept immediately, before he gets to know you.

From: Bill <>
Subject: Humor: consoling a dying mate

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly inter-
rupted, "don't talk."

But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

From: Mark Huth <>
Subject: Cat dies and mother breaks news

Recently, a woman in our office came home and was informed by her neighbor that her 10-year-old cat had been hit by a car and killed about 30 minutes earlier. The woman was quite shocked, of course, but worried more about how to tell her 8-year-old daughter and 6-year-old son about the death of the family pet.

When the two got home, she sat them down and proceeded to tell them that the cat had been struck by a car and killed. The 8-year-old understood right away and started to cry. The mother tried to soften the blow by telling the children not to worry, that God had someone new to keep him company in heaven.

The six-year-old boy gave his mom a questioning look and asked, "What's God gonna' do with a DEAD CAT"?

From: James Thorson <>
Subject: Promises

This young man is trying to get his girl friend to go all the way. He begs and whines and wheedles until she gives in. She says, "All right, but you have to promise you'll only put it in half way."
Of course, the first thing the kid does is drive that baby right on home all the way.
She finds that she kind of likes the feel of it. "Say, how about putting in the other half?"
"Nope, a promise is a promise."

From: BEN SHAUL <>


From: sidney moskowitz <>
Subject: When the dog Paddy died

The mother had the tough job of telling her daughter, who had just returned from school, that her dog Paddy had died. The daughter said "OK" and went out to play.
An hour later she came into the house and asked where Paddy was. "I told you that Paddy died" the mother said. At this the girl started to cry bitterly. "Why are you crying now, and when I told you before, you didn't cry?", the mother asked.
"Paddy!!", the girl responded, "I thought you said Daddy!"

From: BEN SHAUL <>
Subject: HUMOR: 68


From: Mark Huth <>
Subject: Priest, pastor, rabbi
A priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi in the same town all traded in their cars on nice new ones around the same time.

Feeling the need of a little ceremony to celebrate the priest sprinkled water on the bonnet (hood).

Not to be outdone the Baptist minister drove his car into the creek.
The Rabbi thought for a while and then went and got his hacksaw and carefully sawed of a half inch of tailpipe.

From: (Bill Gascoyne)
Subject: Re: Fractured Latin (Was: Re: New to the g

A co-worker years ago had this framed on his wall; mock Latin.

O sibili si ergo
Fortibusis in ero
Nobili demis trux
Sevatis enim

(tr: O see Billy, see there go
forty busses in a row,
No, Billy, them is trucks,
See what is in 'em,
Cows and ducks.)

From: Richard Hughen <>
Subject: Anniversary

A man and his wife are celebrating their 40th anniversary.

Wife: "Honey, what did you get me for our anniversary?"

Husband: "Let's take a ride and I'll show you."

They get in their car, drive a distance. They enter a cemetery, drive to a designated spot. Here's your gift honey. ( It's a cemetery plot with the family name.)

Well, she's not too pleased about her gift.

Next year: "Honey, what did you get me for our anniversary?"

Husband: "Nothing! You didn't use what I gave you last year."

From: John B Tanner <>
Subject: off. to knights??

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend. He said " Hey, you gave me the wrong key."

From: Richard Hughen <>
Subject: Orono, Maine

I was attending a summer class in 1962 at the University of Maine in Orono.
One day, as I was nearing the University, I noticed my gas gauge was registering near empty. I spotted a sign which read, "GAS - $0.23/gallon." I pulled in along side the pumps. As the attendant was filling my car, I noticed that the cost per gallon on the pump registered $0.19 per gallon.

When he came to the car window I said, "Hey mister: How come you have a sign out by the road saying .23 cents and on the pump .19 cents a gallon?"
" 'Cause, if I put .19 cents a gallon on the sign, every darn fool from here to Bangor would stop, and I'd never get any rest then!"

Subject: Last but not least

Four golfers were on the first tee. The first one drove his golf ball 200 yards up the middle of the fairway. The second golfer hit an identical drive but it was 250 yards long. The third golfer duplicated their efforts but hit an even longer driver of 300 yards. The fourth golfer (Harry) hit a weak 160 yard slice into the thorn bushes on the right side of the fairway. The other three golfers strolled up the fairway and began talking about their sons. "My son is doing great, he just bought a new Mercedes-Benz," the first golfer remarked. The second one replied, "My son is doing even better, he just bought a new Ferrari." Not to be outdone, the third golfer laughed and said, "My son just bought a new yacht." Just then, Harry came walking up (scratched and bleeding from the thorns) and when they asked him how his son was doing, he flew into a rage and said, "Not only am I having a lousy round of golf but you guys just had to ask me about my son. I just found out that he is gay. Come to think of it though, he isn't doing all that badly. The guys he's living with just bought him a Mercedes-Benz, a Ferrari and a new yacht." Lyle's Joke Boutique.

From: Ann Dellarocco <>
Subject: gorillas

First a newsbyte: Hear about the new OJ T-shirts? They have
DEFECTIVE VERMIN on the front.

A zoo keep asked a big, strong fellow: "Want a job?"
"Doing what," he asked.
"Our gorilla died," he said. "If we got you a special suit, would you imitate him for several days?"
"Yes sir," he answered.

He did well, until he accidentally landed in the lion's den.
"Help," he yelled.
"Shut up, Stupid," cried the man dressed like a lion. "You will get us both fired."

From: MachuPicchu <>
Subject: Humor: Samples (Clean)

The following stories are samples from the September/October issue of "The Christian Reader," published bi-monthly by "Christianity Today, Inc.," P.O. Box 37209, Boone, Iowa 50037-2029, 1-800-223-3161.

"On the highway, we passed a race track. Our six-year-old Rick asked, "What is that place?" And I replied, "It's where people go to race dogs." After a long pause, Rick observed, "I bet the dogs win."
"Over dinner, my mother mentioned that her church was going to install a second minister. This puzzled our younger son since our church has only one minister. Mother explained why, then added, "One of the largest churches in town has *five*! At that, our older son,
wide-eyed, exclaimed, 'Wow! How long is *their* service?'"

"One day at lunch I asked my young son, Micah, what he wanted to eat. 'A boy cheese,' he replied. I didn't know what he meant until a few days later when I asked him if he wanted a grilled cheese sandwich. 'No,' he said exasperated. 'I don't want a *girl* cheese sandwich! I want a *boy* cheese!'"

LITE FARE, pp. 9.
For years we lived in a small town with one bank and three churches. Early one Monday morning, the bank called all three churches with the same request. "Could you bring in Sunday's collection right away? We're out of one-dollar bills."

Calvin's teacher is finishing up her lesson, and before starting the next lesson, she asks the class if there are any questions. Calvin raises his hand, and the teacher says, "Yes, Calvin, what is your question?" So Calvin asks, "What is the meaning of human existence?" The teacher says, "I meant questions related to the lesson we just had." Calvin then says, "Well, I'd really like to get this question resolved before going ahead with any more work."

From: Jim Stewart <>
Subject: >>Four Eggs and Fifty Grand

On their wedding day Sandi asked but one thing of her new husband Ralph. She asked that he never look in the bottom drawer of her dresser. Ralph agreed and for forty plus years kept his promise. When Sandi falls ill, and it appears that her days are numbered, Ralph asks if he may finally look into the drawer. Sandi acquiesces and tells him he may. To his surprise, and confusion, Ralph finds 50 thousand dollars and four eggs in Sandi's bottom drawer.

After days of quandary, he approaches Sandi for an explanation. She tells him that each time he pissed her off she put an egg in the drawer. Ralph receives this quite well, thinking that four eggs in forty some years was a very good record. Then he asked about the fifty grand and Sandi's response busted his bubble. She said, "Well, every time I reached a dozen, I sold the eggs."

From: Robert Engelbardt <>
Subject: A Doggone Good Dog (not offensive)

A man goes to a kennel to buy a hunting dog. "This is one of the best hunting dogs I have," said the proprietor. The man looks the dog over and agrees to the purchase.

Several days later he goes duck hunting at a lake. When the first bird is hit and falls into the water, the dog rushes to the edge of the lake and walks on the water to retrieve the duck. Quickly grabbing it with his mouth , the dog again walks on the water and deposits the bird in front of the amazed hunter. This happens again with every bird the hunter shoots.
The next day, the kennel owner is surprised to see the hunter back with the dog. He looked angry and said, "I want my money back! This dog is supposed to be a hunting dog but he's no darn good!"

The astonished proprietor replies, "Gee, I'm surprised. This is one of my best dogs. What's the problem?"

"This dog isn't a hunting dog," replied the hunter, "He can't even swim!"

From: Robert Engelbardt <>
Subject: Memory is the second thing to go (not offensive)

An elderly gentlemen was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited. "The food and service were great!" he said.
His friend asked, "What's the name of the place?"

"Gee, I don't remember," he said. "What do you call the long stem flower people give on special occasions?"

"You mean a rose?" asked his friend.

"That's it!" he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"

From: Alar Pardla <>
Subject: "Nice" kid

Little John was told, that he should try to do every day at least one good thing.
One day he come home early and said with smile on his face:
"My first good thing for today is already done!"
"I'm so proud of You, son", said his dad. "What did You do?"
"Mr. & Ms. Jones were going to catch the train. But it looked like they were not going to make it. So I let the dog loose. And they made it!"

Subject: Of brains, dogs, and politicians

This evening while sitting in my adult neuropsychology class, the discussion turned to how the human brain has many convultions and fissures in the cerbral cortex, which allow us to accomplish many things of a highly cognitive nature. The professor went on to compare a human brain with that of a dogs, which do not have the same level of
fissurization as a humans.

"If we humans had a dog's brain," he went on, "all we would be able to do is speak and shake hands."

"You mean we'd all be politicans?" was my reply.

A helpful note: the convultions and fissures of the brain are all the different cracks and folds of the outer tissues, the stuff that looks like spagetti.


"Men argue, nature acts."


SOLUTION (Yodar & the drummer)
The homes in ancient Lankhmar were built very close together, for space within the walled city was at a premium. The young son of Hakim, one of Yodar's neighbors, had been given a toy drum by his aunt, and the boy insisted on beating the drum incessantly. Hakim was very hard of hearing and didn't mind the noise. Finally, Yodar's wife begged him to ask Hakim to take the drum away from the boy. "There is no need," said Yodar, "I have already taken care of the matter without offending Hakim or the lad. The drum will soon be silent." What had Yodar done to silence the drum?
Yodar gave the kid a knife and asked him if he knew what was inside the drum.


Need Garbage Collection Algorithm
I can see it now . . .
Ol' Denber wakes up early one morning and hears the garbage truck banging away. He jumps out of bed and goes running out with the garbage can as the truck is about to pull away.
"Am I too late?" Denber asks.
"No," replies the driver. "Jump in!"

From: Jef Poskanzer

The official computer of the -MXCII olympics.

A new IC, the Floating-Point Roman-Numeral Arithmetic Processor Unit (FPRNAPU) is a monolithic MOS/LSIV device that can replace at least XLV scribes working in III shifts. Featuring XII-digit precision, it offers several interface options.
You program the device's output either for clay tablets or for papyrus rolls with automatic vertical scrolling an optional interface is available for driving a heavy-duty impact printer for marble documents. You can configure the III-column outputs for Doric, Ionian, or Corinthian characters. The IC's standard interface handles a standard floppy discus.
The exponent field of the floating-point format takes advantage of a new compact structure called quad extended decimal (QED). The mantissa uses the ad hoc rounding standard (ie, IEEE). Overflow errors caused by the Vesuvius function are automatically corrected by the Pompeii algorithm. The part's allowed rise and fall times are quite long see Gibbon for details. All parts undergo burn-in at the firm's Nero facility. Hannibal handles all environmental and stress tests in the field. Infant mortality is limited to the first born of each process batch, all parts are tested to MIL-STD-SPQR except those destined for Gaul.
You use the internal VIII-bit modus-operandi register to select operating-mode options and to enter Latin commands. To use the IC as a slave processor, you can specify automatic chaining operations. The FPRNAPU's internal state is reported in the status-quo register. Samples are available off-the-shelf -- Et Tu Electronics has agreed to take a stab at IInd-sourcing the device. Users should beware, however, as OEM quantities won't be available until the Ides of March. The processor is priced at $XIV.XCV
(M). For further information, call the company any time except during July and August.
Ancient Micro Devices
CMI Thompson Pl
Sunnyvale, CA CCCVI+CDL
Phone tribute-free (DCCC) DXXXVIII-LXXXIV-L.

From: "Howard, Dan" <>
Subject: Spousal Tiff...

This husband and wife are sitting around after dinner one night and the wife asks, "If I died, would you get married again?" Well, hubby KNOWS he ain't gonna get out of this one alive, so he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, my love, we've been married for 26 years,
and I just don't think I could take the lonliness... I probably would marry again."

The wife is not impressed. After a minute or two, she asks, "If you DID get married again, would you let her live in this house?" He knows he's really in for it, and after much thought he replies, "Well, yes dear. After all, we've worked really hard for this place, fixed it up the way we liked it, our kids grew up here... If I did get married again, I'd probably live here with her..."

Several minutes had passed before the wife asked in a rather upset tone, "If you lived in this house with your new wife, would you still sleep in OUR bed?????" Our hero is really getting worried, starting to sweat, and after much consideration replies, "Well, you know I've got a bad back, and we spent a lot of money on that bed and it's only a year old... If I got married again, and lived in this house, I probably would still sleep in our bed."

An eternity later, the wife asks in her snottiest voice, "Well, would you
let her use my golf clubs?????" The husband speaks right up, "Oh, no, dear... Those clubs were special made for you for your height, and the style of grip you have, and besides, she's left handed."

Subject: Gambling fever

A wealthy young man became addicted to gambling. In no time at all he went through his entire fortune! He was so filled with disgust and self-loathing he became deeply depressed and decided to commit suicide. He left the Las Vegas casino, went to the edge of a nearby ravine, got ready to hurl himself onto the rocks below and heard a tiny little voice say, "Wait, look in your pocket!" He found a single roulette chip in his pocket he had overlooked. The little voice said, "Go back to the roulette table!" Figuring he had nothing to lose, he went back and heard the little voice say, "Play black!" He did and won. "Play red." Another winner! All night long he followed the advice of the little voice, recouped his entire fortune and became totally cured of his gambling addiction. With a feeling of great joy and relief, he headed for the cashier's cage to cash in his winnings. Just then he heard the little voice say, "Play nine!" "No way! I'm out of here. No way in hell am I going to risk everything when I'm so far ahead of the game." The little voice became more insistent and kept repeating, "Play nine," over and over again. The young man finally gave in, headed back to the roulette table and bet EVERYTHING on number nine. The wheel was spun, the ball rolled around and around, hopped into number nine, rocked back and forth and fell into number ten where it stayed. The little voice said, "Shit!" Lyle's Joke Boutique

From: Altar Ariel <> Subject: The letter (off. to lawyers)

- Hey warden, can you please send this letter to my lawyer? asked the prisoner in the county jail.
- I can't do it since the rules of the place forbid me to send out your mail. - In that case there is nothing to worry about, you'll find him in the 4-th cell to the right.

Subject: School Daze

A Fifth Grade student has a penis so large, his parents warn him not to have anything to do with girls. They caution him he could easily kill someone. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex. He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen. He reluctantly agrees but the teacher
experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's killed her, the student runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "I killed her! I killed her!" All at once he stops dead in his tracks, a look of dawning comprehension appears on his face and he says, "Wait just a minute, I didn't kill her, she committed
suicide!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.

From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." <>
Subject: Poor Grieving Widow

The agent delivered a check from his insurance company to the widow of a deceased client. She was apparently inconsolable, and had been weeping three days without stopping. A glance at the amount of the check--it was for one hundred thousand dollors--stilled her tears. "you may not believe it," she told the agent soulfully,"but I would give twenty five thousand of this to have him back."

From: Altar Ariel <> Subject: The inheritance

A young man got a large sum of money when his relative has died falling into a deep canyon.
- How close have you been to your relative? he was asked.
- Close enough to give him the push...