From: Madras Christian College <@earn.cvut.cz:mcc@IITM.IITM.ERNET.IN> Subject: Learning to Think

This is an example of the Indian sense of humor. It warms the
heart of a teacher.

Learning to Think

It was the way of the Vedic teachers to give disciples hint
through poems, stories or even small everyday incidents, from
which the disciple, upon reflection, was expected to derive his own learning.

A bee entered the chamber of the guru as he sat with his
disciples one morning. Having forgotten the way it had entered, the bee flew at the glass covered window mistaking it for an
opening to the outside.

"Observe the bee," said the guru.

The bee hit the glass repeatedly and at last fell down. The guru gently picked it up and rising, took it outside the door and
placed it in a patch of sunlight on the grass.

He returned to the chamber and asked the disciples, "What has the bee taught you?"

"Perseverance," said one.

"If you have not paid attention the way may not be visible to you even if you have just travelled it," said another.

"When one method is obviously impossible, it is better to look
for another method rather than to keep on trying the same method over and over again," said a third.

A new disciple who was looking for quick and easy answers got
tired of having to think and find his own answers.

"Master," he cried, "why don't you tell us what the lessons are? Why do you make us struggle unnecessarily and think about things we know nothing about?"

The guru picked up an apple from a bowl beside him and showing it to the disciple asked, "Would you like to eat this by yourself or do you want me to chew it first and then give it to you?"

From: Timothy Abicht <@earn.cvut.cz:ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Use the Other Hand! >Sexual<
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO

The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-arse student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

From: Timothy Abicht <@earn.cvut.cz:ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: One-liner / Stork vs. Sexual Reproduction

A friend and I were talking about an attractive man. She said: "He's straight."
I replied: "So is spaghetti until it gets all heated up."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ovulation versus cretinism

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school.

In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.
Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:
1.
It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2.
The alledged human foetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

3.
The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.

4.
According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.

5.
Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.
6.
The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork. ---
(Original version by Erkki Aalto, Dept. of Obstetrics, Gynaecology and Stork Science, University of Helsinki
---
English version by Jopi Louko, Institute of Stork Research,
University of Alberta)

From: "Bob Hawkey - Don`t worry - Be Happy! };^>" <@earn.cvut.cz:kcdhawk@KODAK.COM> Subject: Interesting Help-wanted ad...

This is a TRUE Help-wanted ad from the Rocky Mountain News in Denver on Saturday, January 21 of this year:


" ALLIGATORS!!

We are interested in hiring3 semi-obnoxious,
pushy Acct. Executives, for a very boring
repetious job of selling. Our rather dismal
office is located in Longmont. You would
be forced to work in the office. Our current
staff, which is the laziest group of individuals
you will ever see, drag themselves to work 5 days
a week to decide whether to complain about the
weather, the coffee, the thermostat or the
manager. When that's all over, they somehow
manage to organize themselves, work their calls
and sell a whole lot ot our services and products,
which is surprizing, because nobody wants to buy
anything we well, because our prices are too high
and the economy stinks. Appicants should have
skin like an Alligator, and a desire to suffer
their way to make at least a thousand a week.
Paid training to the right three people."

I found it amusing!

From: Joe Clark <@earn.cvut.cz:smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: true complaints to the town council (slightly suggestive)
FORWARDED FROM A FRIEND, AUTHOR UNKNOWN.
Allegedly Genuine Extracts from Letters Sent to a Council by Tenants ==================================================================== I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When I applied for a rebate you said that you would have to take something off. Now that you have taken it off, I have been told that you should have put some on. So will you please take off what you took off and put on what you should have put on when you took it off.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

From: Scott Hysmith <@earn.cvut.cz:scotth@ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: FW: Early Computer Quotes

The following is from the business section of The Kansas City Star, Jan 17, 1995:

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

" I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can
assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
"But what ... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.

" There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

From: Altar Ariel <@earn.cvut.cz:altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL> Subject: Saying

Knock on wood
Thank God,
An atheist like me
Is not superstitious


From: JBologna James Bologna <@earn.cvut.cz:JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU> Subject: Humor: A message to post on copier machines...

Like most places of employment, our universities copier seems to be out of order more often than it is in. Therefore, our copy repairman had answered question after question for us. Finally one day he just smiled and handed us this sheet:

The COPIER is out of order!
YES--We have called the service man.
YES--He will be in today.
NO--We cannot fix it.
NO--We do not know how long it will take.
NO--We do not know what caused it.
NO--We do not know who broke it.
YES--We are keeping it.
NO--We do not know what you are going to do now.
THANK YOU

From: Piotr Plebaniak <@earn.cvut.cz:PLEBAN@PLEARN.bitnet>
Subject: Little Johnny, off to family lovers

Once teacher told the kids to prepare an essay on theme "There is only one mother. The children prepared themselves very well, and every kid told a beautiful story of love, family and parents. When it came Johnny's turn, he spoke: "One day I got back from school, and saw nobody inside. Then I poked in the parents' bedroom and I saw our neighbour lying on my mother. My mother saw me and told: 'Johnny, go to the kitchen and bring us two bottles of vodka from the refrigerator.'
So I went to thekitchen, opened the refrigerator
and I shouted:'There is only one, mother!'"

From: Doug Gwilliam <@earn.cvut.cz:DOUGGW@WORDPERFECT.COM>
Subject: Riding in car - non offensive

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a pr ogrammer. The systems analyst is
driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of
control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the whe els' rims against the curb. He
finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situatio n.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a spec ialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
From: Ron Barak <@earn.cvut.cz:barak.uneca@UN.ORG>
Subject: Finally we know what the "any key" means ; Mother's gender From: ddm@wpi.edu (Duane D Morin)

Rule for software developers. Never stand over the shoulder of a beta tester. Once, I was watching Jane test the latest version of our software. When a message appeared on the screen, "Press any key to continue", Jane pressed the letter 'j'.

I thought I was going to have heart failure.

"JANE!" I screamed, "Why did you press J?!!?"

"It said any key."

"Yeah, but....when programmers say any key, they mean the space bar!"
At which point my fellow programmer looked at me and said,
"We do? I thought we meant enter."

From: rlm@helen.surfcty.com (Robert L. McMillin)

Seen today on a government form:

MOTHER'S NAME (Use maiden name if female):

From: "Rowdy K. Welch" <@earn.cvut.cz:RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU> Subject: UNIX commands

Title: UNIX
Funny Unix csh/sh commands:
===========================
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?
^ Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what
would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

/* not csh but sh */
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

From: Linda White
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Re: sd0ljfds;0kjs


Thought you might like to know that your cat is walking on the keyboard again. I'm a typoglyphanalysis expert, I know. Let me share my wealth of knowledge.

;0kjds;l0jds;fkdjsdf;dljfdsjfdsj <-----Cat on Keyboard
tyuri67ghfjkdnmbvc,xnvvnjhguty6t <-----Fell asleep on Keyboard .,;;aAA;;....mMmMMm....,;::.aAA; <-----Mike Jittlov's ASCII art (one line) KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK <-----Kibo was here (his special K) asdf jkl; asdf jkl; asdf jkl; a; <-----Forgot to get off USENET before playing with typing tutor program 1111111111111111111111!!!!!!!!!! <-----BIFF1111!!!'s keys got stuck again !@#$!! ^%&^%$#!! &^&*$#@!! *&^!! <-----You kiss your mother with that mouth? 6.248765696969696765765307037743 <-----You have a Pentium and typed "7" [234][345][123][4567][2344][234] <-----You're using funny ASCII characters LLwellynweddyngwyddenllynddewwd <-----You live in Wales and told us where *boom**shh!**boom**shh!**chunk!* <-----You've installed a Rapmaster 5000 peripheral
[IMAGE] [IMAGE] [IMAGE] [IMAGE] <-----New Mosaic owner, huh?
asfewrrtfgcxzxzvvdsfsaewrwesadd <-----Right hand doesn't know what left is doing
chrrrrchrrrchrrrchrrrchrrrrchrr <-----New ferret/chinchilla owner describing odd noise pet made 23$#4567#@677887##@$][{)(*8&^%$ <-----You like to hang out on Chinese channels on IRC
Lum! Lum! Lum! Lum! Lum! Lum! ! <-----Anime fan begins to froth at mouth heybabyyobabyheybabyyobabyyoyoyo <-----Quoting Maggie Estep song XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX <-----X-phile or pornoGIF freak GIF!GIF!GIF!GIF!GIF!GIF!GIF!GIF! <-----a.f.u. regular responding to lame newbie claims about an urban legend baabaaabaabaaabaaabaaabaaabaaabaa <-----Goats about to awaken the trolls under the bridge
8675309867530986753098675309Jenny <-----New Wave music fan
1231234123123412312341231234123 <-----You are a high school band director 00001110101010001000111001001001 <-----You've been around computers too long ****]=------------------------- <-----Warlord Bait! It slices, it dices... ********************************* <-----contributing to global asterisk shortage
24125$#$7557&%&^%.,7654$#$445566 <-----Fourth line of Tawny Kitaen JPEG asdgsgjfgjhdhjdhkhsdkhkshdkhfsddf <-----bored freshman with new toy
So, in conclusion, get Moggsy off your keyboard, sir.


From: Jeff Guinzburg <@earn.cvut.cz:jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Instructing the Eldest Son
A man comes home to his family to tell them he has some bad news. He proceeds to tell them he must take a long journey and puts his eldest son in charge of the family. He tells his son how to take care of the animals and the crops and the food supply. Then goes on to explain how to deal with certain types of situations. The last situation was of visitors to the home. He said if the Baptist minister comes, hide the food. If the Catholic priest comes hide the wine. If the Methodist minister comes sit on your mother's lap.


Origin: This the last of a series of jokes told this past Christmas by friends and family of Mona Claypoole of Infinite Technologies
(mona@infinite.ihub.com) and related to subscribers of the Infinite Joke List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com - email with subject "SUBSCRIBE" without quotes).


From: "Wall, David K." <@earn.cvut.cz:DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: Computers and women (repost)
>What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer will >accept a 5 1/4 floppy.

I created and posted this last year, but we have so many new subscribers that many of you (most?) may not have seen it. The last eight items were sent to me by other Humor subscribers. (Sorry, I didn't keep the names)
----------------


A comparison of computers and women

Computer Woman
------------------------------------------------------------------------ doesn't talk (much)(yet) talks constantly

does what you tell it often asks "why" or says "no"
does EXACTLY what you tell it often intelligent

metallic taste yummy pussy

hard metal case soft skin

disk drives stay the same size vagina stretches over time
standardized parts each wants something different
comes with manuals how the hell does this thing work?
multi-function mouse multi-function mouth

doesn't care if you shower insists on cleanliness

many GIF, JPEG files insists on monogamy

batch files automate activities likes variety

sits there naked spends money on clothes (but looks better naked)
looks impressive on desk looks impressive on arm (or face :-)

can turn it off demands attention

buying computer magazines helps buying girly magazines makes it you work with it difficult to work with

usually grey or cream-colored choice of several colors
keyboard commands pressing clitoris makes it quiver
expensive expensive

upkeep minimal upkeep a major part of budget
one mouse one breast for each hand
parallel or serial ports in back usually dislikes anal sex
no reproductive capacity gets pregnant at awkward times
can help you with budget destroys budget

loads of software available two soft breasts;
hours of entertainment!

Pepsi Syndrome makes keyboard wet spot makes woman difficult difficult to use

one switch turns it on demands foreplay

can play games with it will play games with you

operating system insures rules change without warning consistent behavior

networking allows communication if you do something stupid, all the other women know it immediately

"c: file not found" "not now, I have a headache"

old ones look neato old ones look ugly

viruses can't kill you viruses can kill you

testing and comparing is expected testing and comparing is harassment
having multiple ones is luxury having multiple ones is polygamy
keeps you up all night keeps you up all night
because it's fun because it's bitchy

performs millions of logic doesn't perform a single logic operations per second operation in its entire life
produces correct conclusions produces ridiculous conclusions faster than man faster than man

From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" <@earn.cvut.cz:CTORRES@SCUACC.SCU.EDU>
Subject: Potent love medicine (risque)

This woman goes to a doctor and complains that sex with her husband is next to non-existent, that her husband is never in the mood
anymore. So the doctor gives her a bottle of pills and explains that they will help liven his libido, but that she is only to
give him one pill a day. The woman agrees and leaves.
When she gets home, she slips a pill into his dinner. That night, he is in the mood again and they have sex.
Hoping for more of the same, but a little better, the woman slips him two pills the next night at dinner. Later that night, they
have better sex than they've had in years.
Not wanting to spoil a good thing, she decides to slip him three pills the next night at dinner. Sex that night was incredible,
for hours and hours in 14 positions.
The next night, she decides to go for broke. Not heeding the
doctor's advice, she slips half the bottle into his dinner.
The next day, the doctor gets a phone call from what sounds to
be a young boy.
"Help, help, you've got to help me," said the young boy.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my asshole hurts, and
the dog is walking bow-legged."


From: Chip Depue <@earn.cvut.cz:EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Kissing

THE CONSTITUTION OF LOVE

WE, THE LOVERS OF THE HEART, IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT KISS, ENABLE THE
MIGHTY HUG, AND TO PROMOTE TO WHOM WE PLEASE, BUT PLEASE THE ONE WE KISS.
ARTICLE #1-STATEMENT OF LOVE-THE KISS

1. ON THE HAND---I ADORE YOU
2. ON THE CHEEK---JUST FRIENDS
3. ON THE NECK---I WANT YOU
4. ON THE LIPS---I LOVE YOU
5. ON THE EAR---JUST JOKING
6. ANYWHERE ELSE---DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY!!!!!
7. LOOKING INTO YOUR EYES---KISS ME
8. HANDS ON THE WAIST---I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU GO

ARTICLE #2-THE THREE STEPS

1. GIRL---IF A BOY GETS TOO FRESH, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SLAP HIM 2. BOY---IF A GIRL SLAPS YOU, KISS HER
3. BOY AND GIRL---CLOSE YOUR EYES, IT'S RUDE TO STARE

ARTICLE #3-THE THREE COMMANDMENTS

1. THOU SHALT NOT SQUEEZE TOO HARD
2. THOU SHALT NOT ASK FOR A KISS, THOU SHALT TAKE ONE
3. THOU SHALT KISS ON EVERY OPPORTUNITY

ARTICLE #4-MUST

1. AFTER READING THIS, YOU MUST KISS THE PERSON WHO GAVE YOU THIS UNLESS THEY
ARE OF THE SAME SEX.

ARTICLE #5-CONSEQUENCES

AFTER READING THIS, YOU MUST MAKE 7 COPIES IN SEVEN DAYS TO SEVEN PEOPLE, OR YOU WILL HAVE 7 YEARS OF BAD LUCK.

REMEMBER...
A PEACH IS A PEACH,
A PLUM IS A PLUM,
A KISS AIN'T A KISS,
WITHOUT SOME TONGUE.
SO OPEN YOUR MOUTH,
AND CLOSE YOUR EYES---
AND GIVE YOUR TONGUE...
SOME EXERCISE!!!!!!!!!

From: John Drislane <@earn.cvut.cz:jdrislane@COC.CC.CA.US>
Subject: The Potato Joke

A man named Fred was well into middle age, and had never had a
"relationship" with a woman. He was unattractive, poor, and had little you could call personality. His strong moral upbringing prevented him from paying for sex. He had all but resolved to spend the rest of his life a frustrated virgin, when he read an article in a travel magazine about the wild women of the French Riviera. A plan formed in Fred's mind; for three years he saved every spare penny until he could afford a short, one-week vacation on the Riviera.

He arrived at his hotel and nervously changed into his beachwear: baggy bermuda shorts, a white sleeveless T-shirt, brown shoes, brown sox. He walked on the beach, his head swiveling from one eye-popping, bikini-clad beauty to another. But none gave him the slightest glance. After patrolling the beach until dusk, he noticed a Frenchman, also middle-aged, surrounded by adoring young women. Cornering the Frenchman, Fred blurted out his sad tale.

"I came here hoping to meet women," Fred explained to the sympathetic Frenchman, "And I only have 5 days to go. What can I do to be more like you?" The Frenchman looked him up and down, and said, "Monsieur, it eez your costume. You must buy the tiny men's bikini like mine, some sandals, some chic sunglasses, and voila! you will soon meet many women."
So Fred returned to his hotel room, ran down to the shops on the street level, and bought everything that the Frenchman had recommended. The next morning he struggled into his very tight and very tiny new bathing suit, donned his sandals and sunglasses, sucked in his gut and went down to the beach. This time, as he strolled by the many beauties sunning themselves, a few heads turned, and a few titters of laughter seemed directed his way. Upset, he soon found the Frenchman again and, displaying his new outfit, complained that women were still largely ignoring him. "What am I doing wrong?" Fred asked.

"Well Monsieur," responded the Frenchman, "It eez a delicate subject. You seem to be somewhat lacking in a certain department valued highly by our young ladies. What I suggest you do is to go to the supermarket, buy a potato, and stick it in your bathing suit." Although Fred thought this was an odd suggestion, he was getting desperate, and decided he would try anything, given his short time remaining.

The next morning, he put on his new costume, Then shoved a long, curved, uncooked potato into his trunks. He went out on the beach, this time getting a strong reaction. Women everywhere on the beach were elbowing each other, pointing at Fred, and whispering together. Frantic, Fred ran up to the Frenchman.

"NOW what am I doing wrong!?" he screamed. The Frenchman glanced at him and replied in a frosty voice, "Monsieur, zee potato goes in zee front."
From: Maurizio MORABITO <@earn.cvut.cz:b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: When you have plenty of free time...

Newswire Item 3/2/94:

A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities for illegally hunting gorillas. He shoots them with a tranquilizer gun and dresses them in clown suits. So far six (6) gorillas have been found wandering around in this condition.

A Ugandan spokesman stated that this was a person with a truly sick sense of humor. They felt this was a cruel practice, since they had to tranquilize the gorillas again to take the suits off!

From: James Thorson <@earn.cvut.cz:jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: undertaker humor

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads."

From: JBologna James Bologna <@earn.cvut.cz:JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU> Subject: Humor: The Choir director, the little boy, matches & a cat...
The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come onstage and light all the candles."

"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked.

Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his interest.

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle", and everyone looked stage right for the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle", and again, all eyes looked stage right. No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right "...and the cat peed on the matches!"
From: Joseph Kaye <@earn.cvut.cz:W1teRab1t@AOL.COM>
Subject: Positions Avaliable

JOB TITLE: Queen
JOB FUNCTIONS: The primary functions fufilled by this post include reigning and being a credit to the nation. Also includes occasional Trooping of the Colour (training given).
REQUIREMENTS: Complete lack of prior experience. Inbreeding.
SALARY: Several hundred million pounds a year. Benefits include United Kingdom, remains of Empire until 1997, and company car.

We would recommend this management level position to a middle-to-elderly aged woman, with good wrist movement. However, it must be pointed out that opportunities for job advancement are scarece. Other potential disadvantages include a large unwieldy management hierarchy that will need extensive trimming in years to come.

-----------------------

JOB TITLE: Drug Dealer
JOB FUNCTIONS: This position providese a much need community service for the applicant with both extensive experience in fufilling and creating supply and demand and with an interest in social aid.
REQUIREMENTS: Extensive experience in marketing necessary. Persons with experience in JIT (Just In Time) product delivery a particular plus. Own transport a must.
SALARY: Variable and primarily commission based. Likely to increase in direct relation to quantity of sales.

An idea job opportunity for those interested in the greyer side of the interna tional pharmaceutical distribution industry. A steady supply of those little plastic bags will be made availiable. Chances for branching out into related industries are conceivable in the near future. Applicants with experience in chemistry and/or agriculture are at aparticular advantage for this position.

From: Maurizio MORABITO <@earn.cvut.cz:b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: Job Interviews
From: bfdaly@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu

Memorable Interviews

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.


The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates:

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"


Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process:

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.


From: AMY ALLISON <@earn.cvut.cz:AALLISON@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: BOGUS CHAIN LETTER
Dear Friend,
This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing releif to other tired & discontented woman. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this letter to five (5) of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.
When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive as many as 3, 125 men. Some of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up. Do not break this chain! One woman did a received her own husband back. At this writing, a friend of mine has already received 184 men. They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 house to get the smile off her face.
And remember the only money you need spend are the fees for postage. Just a few dollars to make your life enjoyable once again.

From: Jay Harman <@earn.cvut.cz:jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US> Subject: "Hello Dolly" (offensive language)

A funeral director was training a new staff member, including the embalming process. When he thought the young fellow knew enough to solo, he left him with a cadaver and sent home to enjoy his evening. At approximately 1:30AM, the phone range at the funeral director's house. Of course, it was the intern.

"You have to get down here right away!", he said.

The funeral director jumped out of bed, pulled on some clothes and drove rapidly to the funeral home. Upon arrival, the intern quickly escorts him to the embalming room where the cadaver is laid out on the table.
"Look at this", he said as he lifted the cadaver's legs straight up into the air.

Looking at the man's rectum, the funeral director saw a cork had been inserted there. "So", he said.

The intern reached down and removed the cork. The tune "Hello Dolly" blared from the man's bowels. Quickly shoving the cork back into place, the intern quizzed, "What do you make of that?"

To which the funeral director replied, "I can't believe you got me out of bed at 1:30 in the morning to drive down here and listen to some asshole sing Hello Dolly!"


From: Jack Kolb <@earn.cvut.cz:IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Carmen revised

A Smoke-Free Carmen

by Denis Dutton

Last year Auckland Opera received complaints when its
advertising posters for Bizet's Carmen showed offensive
cleavage. In deciding to withdraw the posters, the
general manager of Auckland Opera sensibly explained,
"It behoved us to find a more imaginative way to sell
our product than just to resort to blatant sexist imagery."
In the new ads Carmen had a completely covered chest.

Auckland Opera has taken a step in the right direction of
providing a more wholesome, nonsexist Carmen. It is
regrettable, however, that the recent Canterbury Opera
Carmen continued to promote inappropriate role models and
behavioural messages regarding gender relations, animal
rights issues and tobacco consumption. Admittedly, some of
these problems are incorrectly dealt with in Prosper Merimee's
original story. Yet a few minor changes would enable audiences
to enjoy the beautiful music of the opera without being
exposed to offensive and outdated stereotypes. Herewith,
a Carmen for our time:

The first scene takes place in a square in Seville.
Young factory workers spill into the street for their
morning break of fresh fruit. One of them, the dark Gypsy
Carmen, sings a lovely habanera, reminding us that love occurs
between all genders, races and body types. Before returning
to the factory, Carmen throws a rose to the Basque soldier,
Don Jose. A fight breaks out between two of the young persons in the factory, and while trying to instruct them on the
futility of violence, Carmen is arrested. Don Jose is ordered
to guard her, but she convinces him to allow her to escape,
explaining that they are all victims of patriarchal oppression.
The second act opens in the smoke-free environment of a
vegetarian restaurant. Carmen and ethnically-diverse friends
are enjoying whole-meal buns when they are interrupted by the
wicked Escamillo, a rich and famous bullfighter. Escamillo
sings an aria in praise of wine, cigars, thick steaks and
women. This disgusts the young people, although Carmen is
strangely attracted to the bullfighter. Don Jose arrives
and, alone at last, he and Carmen vow to live together. They
will respect the importance of protected sex and acknowledge
each other's unique cultural identity. Don Jose will do the
ironing.

The third act opens in a wild place in the mountains. Carmen,
Don Jose and other members of the Animal Liberation Collective
are plotting to end the exploitation of bulls. Don Jose is
enraged when Carmen nobly volunteers to seduce Escamillo, so
exhausting him that he will be unable effectively to fight in
the bullring. Carmen patiently explains that the lives of many
bulls, and the contentedness of cows, is at stake. Escamillo
enters and begins a duel with Don Jose, but the Collective
intervenes, insisting that the two men find viable nonviolent
means to settle their dispute. The jealous Don Jose must seek
anger-management counselling.

The final scene returns to Seville. Escamillo's colourful
procession enters the bullring. A dishevelled Don Jose confronts Carmen. He is suffering from low self-esteem. Counselling has only made his anger worse, recovering repressed childhood memories of satanic rituals, where he was forced to drink blood, eat
babies, and smoke cheap, unfiltered cigarettes. Acknowledging
his trauma, Carmen insists he begin the healing process by
getting a bath and a shave. The two lovers embrace and detail
plans to offer workshops in cultural identity and empowerment.
The bull wins.


From: Alar Pardla <@earn.cvut.cz:alar@EL.EE>
Subject: FWD: some taglines about Windows

ATTENTION ALL MICROSOFT HATERS:

I have sorted through my tagline manager and have found all of the Microsoft bashing taglines I can possibly find. Please have yourself a laugh at Bill Gates expense:

I don't hate Windows - it runs great under OS/2!
"Chicago, Windows 4.0, Windows 95"?!?!?!?
"Mr. Worf, blow the Windows-powered Borg ship out of this Universe!" #1 OS/2 tip: Drag the Windows folder to the shreader!!!
- Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!
.. Bugs come in through open Windows.
..Windows NT Performance", on the next "In Search Of"
After seeing Windows I realized Bill Gates is an idiot.
Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.
Best way to dispose of the Borg: Give them Windows 3.1.
Bugs come in through Open Windows
Chernobyl used Windows
Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows!
Error 15 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.
Windows Error #F99 - CPU too tired to continue...
Error Loading Windows : (A)bort (R)etry (B)oot
WINDOWS ERROR #004: Operator fell asleep while waiting.
Windows 95 = 95% done. Better wait till 1999.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I...
Friends encourage friends to use Windows - under OS/2!
Get OS/2 2.0 - The best Windows tip around!
HAL 9000: Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. DAVE!
Having Windows problems? Dial 1-800-3-IBM-OS2 for fast relief! He whom opens thee Windows invites the bugs in
How do you make Windows faster ? Throw it harder
I don't do Windows, but OS/2 does.
If all else fails, you must still be using Windows.
If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows.
Microsoft gives you Windows... OS/2 gives you the whole house.
MS Windows -- From the people who brought you EDLIN!
One man's Windows are another man's walls...
OS/2 2.1: Taking the wind out of Windows.
OS/2 is not about fixing old Windows, but opening new doors.
OS/2: Opens Windows, Shuts up GATES...
OS/2: Windows with bullet-proof glass.
PCDOS&MSDOS&CP/M&WINDOWSI'LLFIDDLEWITHOS/2WOULDN'TYOU
Please call the windows police. I've caught another gpf.
The Magic of Windows: Turns a 486 back into a PC/XT.
This score just in: OS/2, Windows 0.
This tagline does not require Micro$oft Windows.
Turn your 486 into an XT--just add Windows!
Welcome to Hell! Here's your copy of Windows!
Why look thru Windows? Open the door to the future: OS/2
Windows error 000 : No errors found! [CLOSE]
Windows Error: 004 - Operator fell asleep while waiting
Windows is *NOT* a virus. Viruses *DO* something!
Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done.
Windows is the best GUI - It always sticks!
Windows isn't CrippleWare -- it's "Functionally Challenged".
Windows NT Performance, on the next "In Search Of"
Windows NT: Only 16 megs needed to play Minesweeper!
Windows NT: Vapourware of the desperate and scared.
Windows only crashes itself under OS/2. Not the whole machine. Windows punts, OS/2 receives. Touchdown!
Windows tip: set BUGS=OFF in your config.sys
Windows would look better with curtains.
Windows-Brain Dead, OS/2-for people who can chew gum and think! Windows: The answer to a question nobody has ever asked.
Windows: Training wheels for OS/2
Windows: A problem to a solution that was never needed.
Windows: An answer to a question nobody has ever asked.
Windows: an Unrecoverable Acquisition Error!
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN!
Windows: XT emulator for an AT.
Windows? WINDOWS?! Hahahahahehehehehohohoho...
WindowsNT: From the makers of Doublespace
Yuk, what kind of dumb menu system is that? Oh, so that is Windows! Chicago only promises what OS/2 DELIVERS!
Chicago runs best on a VCR.
Chicago, an operating system Pair-of-Dimes shift!
Chicago... The biggest thing since New Coke!
Chicago: NT deja vu!
Chicago? Been There,... Done That 2 Years Ago! I run OS/2!
Chicago? Been there. I'm ready to travel at WARP speed!
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
"I believe OS/2...to be the most important OS...of all time" Gates '87 "OS/2 is destined to be the most important OS. . ." Bill Gates "OS/2 is the operating system of the '90s" - Bill Gates
- Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!
After seeing Windows I realized Bill Gates is an idiot.
B.Gates : quality software :: R.McDonald : gourmet cuisine
If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good. ...Bill Gates.
It compiled, first screen came up?? Ship it! --Bill Gates
OS/2: Opens Windows, Shuts up GATES...
Does Microsoft mean "small and limp"?
If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.
Microsoft gives you Windows... OS/2 gives you the whole house.
The Microsoft Motto: "We're the leaders, wait for us!"
MS-DOS: celebrating ten years of obsolescence

From: Henry Cate <@earn.cvut.cz:cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.7 humor gathered long ago

Years ago, I saw a show put on by Red Skelton, who asked:
"Did you ever wonder where poeple in hell tell people to go?" And from way in the back of the auditorium, there came a shout: "Detroit!"

The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave
eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed
it was the fourth time he was caught for doing this.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928.

Do you know why God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac at age 12? Because at 13 it would no longer be a sacrifice.

Q. What do you call a Lada at the topof a hill?
A. A Miracle.

----------------------------------------------------

All this talk about stupid computer users reminds me of a few stories that was reported in a magazine a while back over here in the uk.

One guy wanted his Atari 800 to play space invaders faster so he bypassed the power pack and plugged in right into the mains. 240V instead of 12V smoke one Atari.

Another lady was concerned that there wasn't a mouse in her new computers box, always quick to improvise she
went down the pet shop and brought one!!!!.

A while ago(~1983) is was a fad amoung some computer mags to include a flexible record on the cover, this would contain some computer programs which could be copied onto tape using a normal Hi-Fi.
This magazine (What Computer I think) had a phone call from a concerned man stating that he could only get it in his disk drive if he folded it in half!

-----

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"


From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <@earn.cvut.cz:FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Lovemaking

Their lovemaking was fast and furious. He was fast and she was furious.

From: Linda White
Subject: funny file

Confusion
Is the state of mind
When you're not really sure
You have one.

-Louisa Bennett


Today is a new day. Hence,

1. I refuse to be shackled by yesterday's failures.

2. What I don't know will no longer be an intimidation;
it will be an opportunity.

3. I will not allow people to define my mood, method, image, or mission.
4. I will pursue a mission greater than myself
by making at least one person happy he saw me.

5. I will have no time for self-pity, gossip, or negativism...
from myself or others.



>In article 524@tribune.usask.ca, Zafar Omar () writes: >>Newsgroups: demon.local
>>From: phil@fielding.demon.co.uk (Phil Purle)
>>Subject: The Creation
>>
>>IN THE BEGINNING
>>(To justify God's ways to the 21st century)
>>#In the beginning was the computer. And God said
>>:Let there be light!
>>#You have not signed on yet.
>>:God.
>>#Enter user password.
>>:Omniscient.
>>#Password Incorrect. Try again!
>>:Omnipotent.
>>#Password Incorrect. Try again!
>>:Technocrat.
>>#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
>>:Let there be light!
>>#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
>>:Create light.
>>#Done.
>>:Run heaven and earth.
>>#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. >> #And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
>> #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
>>#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
>>:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
>>#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
>>:Create firmament.
>>#Done.
>>:Run firmament.
>>#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. >> #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
>> #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
>>#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
>>:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place >> and let the dry land appear and
>>#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.
>>:Create dryland.
>>#Done!
>>:Run dryland.
>>#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors. >> #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
>> #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
>>#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
>>:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night. >>#Unspecified type. Try again!
>>:Create sunmoonstars.
>>#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors. >> #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
>> #Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.
>>#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
>>:Create fish.
>>#Done.
>>:Create fowl.
>>#Done.
>>:Run fish'nfowl.
>>#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature >> that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and >> every winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors.
>> #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
>> #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
>>#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
>>:Create cattle.
>>#Done.
>>:Create creepy things.
>>#Done.
>>:Now let us make man in our image.
>>#Unspecified type! Try again.
>>:Create man.
>>#Done.
>>:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it >> and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl >> of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the >> earth.
>>#Too many command operands! Try again.
>>:Run multiplication.
>>#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
>>:Insert breath.
>>#O.K.
>>:Run multiplication.
>>#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
>>:Move man to Garden of Eden.
>>#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
>>:Create Gard.En.
>>#Done.
>>:Move man to Gard.En.
>>#O.K.
>>:Run multiplication.
>>#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
>>:Copy woman from man.
>>#O.K.
>>:Run multiplication.
>>#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
>>:Insert woman into man.
>>#Illegal parameters. Try again!
>>:Insert man into woman.
>>#O.K.
>>:Run multiplication.
>>#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
>>:Create desire.
>>#Done.
>>:Run multiplication.
>>#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. >> #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
>>:Create freewill.
>>#Done.
>>:Run freewill.
>>#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. >> #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
>>:Undo desire.
>>#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
>>:Destroy freewill.
>>#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
>> #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
>>:Help!
>>#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
>> #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
>> #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
>>:Create Treeofknowledge.
>>#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. >> #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
>>:Create good'nevil.
>>#Done.
>>:Activate evil.
>>#And God saw he had created shame.
>> #Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En. >> #1 errors.
>>:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
>>#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
>>:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
>>#Search failed.
>>:Delete shame.
>>#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
>>:Destroy freewill.
>>#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
>>:Stop!
>>#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
>>:Break
>>:Break
>>:Break
>>#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR >> REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE >> SIGN OFF.
>>:Create new world.
>>#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy >> old files before new ones can be created.
>>:Destroy earth.
>>#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
>>:Destroy earth confirmed.
>>#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY >> MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!
>>#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
>>#And God saw he had zero funds remaining.
>>


From: Wayne Wood <@earn.cvut.cz:WAYNE@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Newfie joke

A Newfie goes to the beer store one day and approaches the cashier with a case of 24. In it were 12 full bottles and 12 empties.

The cashier peers into the box then asks the Newfie, "Why are you buying 12 full bottles and 12 empties"?

To this the Newfie responds "Because I'm having a party tonight and half of my guests don't drink".


From: BETH WOODELL <@earn.cvut.cz:woodell@EUROPA.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Maryland "state of the state" address

Well, folks, I thought you'd like an update on the outcome of the Maryland gubernatorial election, you remember, the one where the two candidates got in a 3-month pissing contest over less than 6,000 votes? Well, Ellen Sauerbrey gave up her challenge to the election results (mainly 'cause she ran out of money: the consultant she hired to spearhead the challenge cost $50,000/month) and Parris Glendening was crowned, er I mean inaugurated on Jan. 21. In his state of the state address on Jan. 26, Dr. Glendening included the following anecdote: "I have told you much of what is wrong with the state, and our solutions for part of those problems....We must put those probloems in their proper perspective...{a few lines snipped}
"To help you keep that perspective,...let me close with a story. The story is told about a co-ed at University of Maryland College Park, back in the '70's when we had a few riots. She wrote her parents a lwtter and it went something like this:
" ' Dear Mom and Dad,
" 'I'm sorry to be so long in writing you but all the stationery was destroyed the day the demonstrators burned down the dorm.
" 'Please don't worry about my eyesight; the doctor says it's only smoke damage and I should be able to see again in a few weeks. " 'Please don't worry about where I'm living. That kind boy Bill has offered to share his apartment with me. I know you've always wanted to be grandparents, so you will be pleased to know you will be in two months.'
"A new paragraph.
" 'Please disregard the above practice in English composition. There was not a fire. I'm not hurt. I'm not pregnant and in fact I don't even have a boyfriend.
" 'But I did receive a D in French and an F in chemistry and I wanted to be sure you heard the news in the proper perspective.' "
From: Matthew Grob <@earn.cvut.cz:Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU> Subject: Humor: Curse and Proverb

Recently spied by my mom in a book on Jewish humor:

Curse:
May he lose all his teeth except one - so he can still have a toothache!
Proverb:
If love is a dream, then marriage is an alarm clock.

From: Hugh Pritchard <@earn.cvut.cz:0006348214@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Best cure

A man goes to the doctor's office one day. The nurse/receptionist, quite attractive, says, "The doctor is over at the hospital right now; he won't be back for about an hour. Could you tell me your symptoms, please?"
He tells her; she looks at him appraisingly, and decides he's just tense. She offers, "Well, um, for $20, I've got just the thing for you!" He agrees, and she takes him into an examining room and screws the daylights out of him.

About a week later, he returns, only to find that the doctor is there. The doctor listens to the man's symptoms, examines him, and decides the man is just tense. The doctor writes out a prescription for a sedative, and says, "That'll be $100 for this visit."

The man says, "If it's all the same to you, doctor, I'd rather have the $20 cure!"


From: Gwen Eckman <@earn.cvut.cz:fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: The Complete Guide to Orgasms

Newlyweds get "soregasms".
Nymphos have: let's-do-it-some-moregasms.
Teenagers usually at one point in their lives experience:
four-in-the-floorgasms.
Salesmen have "door-to-doorgasms".
Virgins scream out: my-hymen-got-torgasms.
I know of no one who has: I-abhorgasms.
Goalies have: scoregasms.
I was married to a man who had: snoregasms (well, that was *his* excuse). Golfers have: foregasms.
Hockey players have... Bobby Orrgasms.
Miners have ore-gasms.
Mushrooms are limited to sporegasms.
Grocers have storegasms.
And Marco Polo had exploregasms.
Guys who suffer from premature ejaculation have: beforegasms.
Selfish men have: I-got-mine-you-get-yourgasms.

From: Maurizio MORABITO <@earn.cvut.cz:b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: Eternal (cold) Life?

WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.

"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution."

Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway."
Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.

IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be identified.

Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't say *which* six months."

The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.


From: Geof Blewden <@earn.cvut.cz:Geof@BLEWDEN.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Q & A

Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.

From: "Mark S. Hutchenreuther" <@earn.cvut.cz:mshutch@SUNED1.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL> Subject: Prolific Woman (suggestive)

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

From: Henry Cate <@earn.cvut.cz:cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.B

God invented mothers because he couln't be every where at once And God invented guilt because mothers could be every where at once.
Disclaimer: I used to be sane, but I got better.

One of my American friends commented about soccer:
We guys don't play this game much. You have to use your head a lot in this game, you know........

A LUCKY MACINTOSH USER had the Talking Moose program (Addison-Wesley Publishing Co.) working on his Macintosh when burglars broke into his home while he was away. Presumably thinking there was someone in the home, the burglars left the room with the Macintosh alone. --Seattle Times 4/30
>From England:
A student starts his summer job at IBM. The manager tells him his first task is to sweep the floor.
"But", he protests, "I can't do that, I'm a Coventry Poly
Computer Science Student !"
"Well in that case" says the manager, "Your first task is to learn how to use the broom"

unclear on the concept:
The Met Office is now using fax machines to give local authorities early warning of severe weather. The Hampshire emergency planning office said: "Rather than having to rely on telephones, for instance, where lines are at risk in bad weather, we are encouraging the wider use of fax machines." {News courtesy of the Reading Evening Post}

This came from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" section of PC Magazine. A guy was following a set of instructions to format a floppy diskette. Step 1 : Put diskette in disk drive.
The man puts the disk in the drive...
Step 2 : Close the door.
The man gets up and, with a confused look on his face, walks over to the door to his office and closes it.

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
When running QEMM on a 386/MS-DOS machine and the program does a protection violation, it reports:
General exception fault #13 at ABCD:1234
(T)erminate Program, (R)eboot, or (T)ry to continue?
_Try_ to continue? Hmmm...

A person has just gotten a new printer. She plugs in the printer, walks across the room, tries to print something with no connection to the printer, and then wonders why it doesn't print.

Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?

Q: What was Saddam's secret weapon against the allied land offensive? A: The thousands of Iraqi military who surrendered and slowed the advance of the allied troops...

The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.

Paraphrased from one of the major news anchors reporting on the Iraqi's having arrived for the cease-fire talks:
"Once again, the Iraqi's were well-dressed. It seems they have better tailors than military tactics."

Sign seen on the Marines' first division command center, Saudi Arabia: MARINES: When you care to send the very best.

The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as: If it doesn't move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.

--
Henry Cate III
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet "The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf: The things that get rewarded, get done.

From: Michael Forster <@earn.cvut.cz:mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: Alien Contact (Innuendo)

Dear Earthling,
Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I have transformed myself into this text file. As you are reading it I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass me on to someone else because I am really horny.
From: AMY ALLISON <@earn.cvut.cz:AALLISON@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>

FullDeckisms
* His/her mind would be unstable mounted to a tripod.
* If God tried to help him/her, we'd have an 8-day week.
* If he/she had another brain it would be lonely.
* If he had half a brain his ass would be lopsided.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. * Needs both hands to wipe his ass.
* One dimension short of reality.
* One live brain cell short of a talking monkey.
* Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
* Overdue for reincarnation.


From: "Juan E. Mikalef" <@earn.cvut.cz:jmikalef@AR.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Customer Support Tale

This happened on Compaq customer support from Argentina.

After 20 minutes of phone troubleshooting the technician discovers that the COMMAND.COM file was mistakenly named as COMMAND.CO. To verify if it was corrupted he asked the customer the size of the file. The quick answer was 'About 1 or 1 1/2 centimeters'
We are still trying to firued it out what was he measuring

From: Jeff Guinzburg <@earn.cvut.cz:jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Shamed by You English?
A friend sent this, and it's been around a bit. As someone once said, if this were a piece of paper, it would have been copied so often it would be illegible.... good stuff...


SHAMED BY YOU ENGLISH?

"You can speak soon and write like a graduate college if me let you help for a day of 15 minutes."

If you've been ever shamed by you English mistake, I can maybe save you from disappointing years.
Have I met numbers cuntless men and women being who are held back in their social jobs and lives, without often knowing it, because express themselves, they cannot, fully and easily.

ABOUT YOU WHAT?

If people are not impressed the way by you speak and write - if and your enough honest to admit it yourself - have you taken already the forst big sucess step.

HERE'S TO DO WHAT?

You master English good, WITHUT SCHOOL GOING BACK TO! Years over thousands I have helped, men and women, THEIR OWN HOMES RIGHT THERE IN!

I can you too help, give will you 15 day minutes, to the Linguage Institute Method. To my answers the questions following explain why need you a good English command and easily how you can something do about ahead getting.

QUESTION: What is so important about my ability to speak and write? ANSWER: People you judged by, both in business, and social life, the way you speak and and write.

QUESTION: What does a "command of English" mean?
ANSWER: It can mean yourself clearly express, without easy fear of making embarrassed mistakes.

QUESTION: Are there other advantages to be gained by acquiring a command of good English?
ANSWER: Yes! "Tools of thought" are words actually! Learn you the more about words and use them how to your ideas, form and express, becomes your thinking better.

QUESTION: Wouldn't I have to go back to school for a command of good English?
ANSWER: Not, anymore, no. Gain you to speak the ability and write college like a graduate in your own home, right each day for 15 minutes only.
QUESTION: How do I know your method works?
ANSWER: Letters in thousands there in my files, from peoples in all life walks, testimonials, proved to us the Linguage Institute Method. Amazing to acheive results. If below, you send in the coupon, some of these letters I can share you with.

QUESTION: Wait a minute! Why in God's name would I write to a comic book to enroll in a corespondence course to learn better English? ANSWER: What?!!? You no want learn to how use exclamation points very amny times in one sentence just?!!? PLUS, you how learn to *emphasize* BIG IMPORTANT WORDS in eratic like manner, much like ME!!!!

QUESTION: How can I find out more about the Linguage Institute Method? ANSWER: Gladly mail, I will a free booklet to 32 pages to you. Just send a postcard fill or mail the coupon out. Forget not!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------- DAN BOLEO, Dept 109-11
Linguage Institute Method, 1313 Mokingbird ln, Clancyville, MY, 84031
Mail me your free please 32-page booklet, "Good How to GAin English Command."


From: Henry Cate <@earn.cvut.cz:cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.D humor from long ago

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Clones are people two.

"During the earthquake, Bill's zip code changed three times before he got out of bed.

Question on government questionnaire : "Have you ever committed suicide?"
If we don't get some money in our bank account soon, we'll be arrested for impersonating the government.

Mechanic to customer : I'm afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated Your battery needs a new car.

----------------------------------------------------

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report, called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

-"Do I get a guarantee, if I buy this car ?"
-"Oh, yes, we guarantee it's a car."

A Newfoundlander was accused of purse snatching.
He decided to represent himself in court rather
than hire a lawyer.
The first question he asked the lady on the
witness stand was
"Did you actually SEE my face when I took your purse?"

The CENSUS TAKER knocked on the door of a backwoods shack. An old timer came out, asking what he wanted
"The President has sent us across the country to find out how many people live in the United States," the man replied.
"I'm sorry you came all the way out here to ask me," said the hillbilly, "cause I ain't got the faintest idea."

----------------------------------------------------

Payment Plan : While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the salesperson my blood-donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked at it and then gave it back, saying "That's all right, lady. We still only want money."

I definitely think we're in trouble.
I just saw an ad for a new movie sequel called...
"The Never-Ending Story 2"

He was prosecuted.
The judge asked him "Don't you need a lawyer ?"
"No, I don't need any, I'm going to tell the truth."


"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf: The things that get rewarded, get done.

From: "DNA: The splice of life" <@earn.cvut.cz:MASMITH@CARINS.CARIBOO.BC.CA> Subject: Laws involving sex and cars (obvious sexual references)
In another installment of _Looney Sex Laws_ by author Robert Pelton I shall relate some laws that pertain to our seemingly innate need to engage in sex inside the ubiquitous motor vehicle

Oh, Oh, Oh this one is rich!

Clinton, Oklahoma, is apparently a community with unusually high moral standards. The city fathers have banned local men from
masturbating while observing a couple make love in the back seat of a parked car in a drive in theater. Such a peeper can be fined and jailed for "molesting a vehicle"
-Ed- This is funny on so many levels.

Buckfield, Maine, has a rather unusual law regarding cab drivers and sex. The legislation declares that no taxi driver "will be allowed" to charge a fare to any passenger who give him "sexual favors" in return for a ride home from a nightclub or other "establishment which serves alcoholic beverages," or any "place of business" selling liquor. -Ed- Well I think we all know what to do when we're a little short of cash and far from home afterhours in Buckfield.


No woman may have sex with a man riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of quiet little Tremonton, Utah. If caught the woman is charged with a "sexual misdemeanor," and "her name is to published in the local newspaper." The male isn't charged with anything, nor is his name revealed.
-Ed- Kind of makes you wonder why they had to make up this law.
And finally,
A person really doesn't have to worry much when making love in a parked automobile while in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. It's almost impossible to get caught in an embarrassing situation. No police officer is allowed to just walk up and thoughtlessly knock on the window. Any lawman who suspects that sex is taking place must always drive up from behinds, honk his horn three times, and then wait two minutes before getting out of his vehicle to investigate.
-Ed- Actually, it probably more fun for the police too.
They probably couldn't care less if sex was going on but they would get a hoot out of watching the car shake as two people scramble to get into their clothes in less than two minutes.


From: Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest

Subject: Lecture on Sexual Behavior

The late Alfred Kinsey, author of The Sexual Behavior of the American Male and The Sexual Behavior of the American Female, was, of course, called upon to lecture about his findings. He was a very mild
mannered professor. Occasionally he would speak to an all male audience. When this was the case, as a good scientist (his field was Entomology) he liked to perform a little "experiment" for his
audience. The same skills as an interviewer, that allowed him to get people to tell him intimate details about their life, also made him able to obtain cooperation from an audience.

He would announce that he had found that the general level of
happiness of the American male correlated strongly with the frequency of sexual intercourse. He would first ask all the men in the
audience who had intercourse more than three times a week to stand up. After they sat down he asked those who had intercourse once or twice a week to stand up. Next he called upon those who had sexual relations once or twice every two weeks, etc.

Although the difference between each successive group was not great, nevertheless it was obvious to those observing this experiment, that the more lively groups stood first and each successive group was less lively and a little more dour. When he got to once a month and once every two months, those few who rose were truly Sad Sacks.

His final category, usually with no takers, was once a year. But one night upon announcing this group, a smiling guy in the back bounded up with his hand waving enthusiastically. Kinsey was taken aback. He asked the man if he had heard correctly--he was asking who had sexual relations only once a year.

The guy said "yes, yes, that's me." Kinsey said to him "I'm rather surprised. I think we have all seen that in general those who have sexual intercourse more frequently in our group tonight appear to be happier. Yet you, who have sexual relations only once a year, seem quite ebullient. "Sure am" the guy replies from the back. Kinsey has to ask him "May I ask why"?

"TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT ! TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"

From: "Rowdy K. Welch" <@earn.cvut.cz:RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU> Subject: Be annoying on the net

This is from an item titled "How To Be Annoying On-Line," by someone named Spy, in Speaker's Idea File. I thought people on the list might find it as entertaining as I did.


Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:

*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").

*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!

*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.

*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."

*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.

*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.



From: Axel Gerhard <@earn.cvut.cz:axel@SPARTAN.AC.BROCKU.CA>
Subject: Surgery Joke

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient, a man, has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor, doctor," says the man excitedly, and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off??"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."

From: Allan McKellar <@earn.cvut.cz:allan_mckellar@UK.IBM.COM>
Subject: Flight humour

Colleague swears these are true, happened on flights he was on ..
Cabin attendant - Good morning, as we leave Dallas. Its warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where its dark, windy and raining, and why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know.

Pilot - Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... its a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.
Pilot - Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day.


From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <@earn.cvut.cz:DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: An Irish Joke

Riordan the welder showed up at the doctor's office with a badly damaged foot.
"What happened to you?" asked the M.D.
"Well, thirty-six years ago I was a young apprentice with Heffernan in Pittsburgh and ..."
"But about your foot ... ?"
"This is about me foot. I just came over from the old country and I was livin' in his house. Now Heffernan had a daughter more beautiful than an Irish sunset. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't."
"The next night she came in when I was in bed and she was wearing her nightgown and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug."
" The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anythin' for me and not wantin' to keep her standin' in the cold and she standin' there naked I said there was nothing."
"What the devil has that got to do with you foot?" asked the doctor. "Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with myself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

From: James Thorson <@earn.cvut.cz:jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Jewish humor

There once was a Jewish gentleman who had three sons. He wondered what they would be as adults. So, he set out a bag of money, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey in the dining room, and he called his three sons to him in the kitchen. He sent the first son into the next room, waited an appropriate length of time, and then took a look. The first son was reading the Bible. The old man said, "This is a blessing on our house! We're going to have a Rabbi in our family!"
Then he sent the second son into the dining room, waited a while, and then took a look. The son had the cash out of the bag and was counting it. The old gentleman said, "This, too, is a blessing! We'll have a man of business in our family."
He sent the third son into the next room, waited quite a little while, and then took a look. The third son had the sack of cash in his lap, had drunk the bottle of whiskey, and was reading the Bible.
The old man said, "Oy! A Jesuit!"


From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <@earn.cvut.cz:FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Fierce Dog

A vicious German Shepherd dog lived at one house on the mail man's route. The dog was so aggressive the letter carrier feared he would be bitten and the U.S. Postal Service was forced to suspend mail delivery to protect their employee. After several weeks of having to pick up their mail at the Post Office, the dog's owner took steps to solve the problem. He met the mail man out on the sidewalk and told him he would no longer have to fear the dog being so aggressive because they had its testicles removed. "You've got to be kidding," said the letter carrier, "why didn't you have his teeth removed? I wasn't afraid of him screwing me!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.

From: Lee Bradley <@earn.cvut.cz:lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU> Subject: A Ratty Story?

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake.
But I was only trying to retrieve my son's rat." Dick Stone
told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City
Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an
attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, "My
son left the cage door open so his rat, Vermin, escaped
into the garage," he explained. "As usual, it looked for a
good place to hide and ran up the exhaust pipe of my
motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food
attached to a string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I
peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman
described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a
pocket of residual gas, and a flame shot out the pipe,
igniting Mr. Stone's mustache, and severely burned his
face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers
which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the
exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a
cannonball."
Stone suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the pet rat.
His son was grounded for 6 weeks.

From: "Bob Hawkey - Don`t worry - Be Happy! };^>" <@earn.cvut.cz:kcdhawk@KODAK.COM> Subject: Offensive to Blonds and Men...

Three blonds were walking down the beach when they found a brass oil lamp. Sure enough, a genie appeared - just like in the story!

"I am the Genie of the lamp! I can give each of you as much intelligence as you desire!", boomed the Genie!

"Oh, my!", cried the first blond. "I guess I would like to be 100 times smarter than I am now!"

ZAP! The Genie turned her into a brunette!

"Well", said the second blond, "I don't think I need to be that smart. I would like to be only 10 times smarter than I am now!"

ZAP! The Genie turned into a REDHEAD!

"GEE!" said the third blond. "I think I am just about OK the way I am. I get a lot of attention and men seem to like me... I guess if anything, I would like to be 10 time DUMBER than I am now!"

ZAP! The Genie turned her into a MAN!


From: JOHN STONE <@earn.cvut.cz:JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL> Subject: FW: humor... OSHA Guidelines for Handling of

WARNING: Humorous and/or sarcastic remark in 1 line.
:) :) :)
OSHA GUIDELINES FOR HANDLING OF HUMOROUS MATERIALS

1. All posts containing humorous, sarcastic, parodical, and/or satirical passages, or any other post not intended to be taken seriously must be labeled prominently in the header as follows:

a. The Subject header must contain at some point, the string "HA!".
b. The Keywords line shall contain a summary of the hazard levels present in the post, ranked on a scale of 0-4 in the following categories, in the order: humor, sarcasm, satire:
0 -- No hazard
1 -- Slight hazard
2 -- Moderate hazard
3 -- Extreme hazard
4 -- Critical hazard

c. The Summary line shall contain any specific notices of hazard as required under local and state laws.

d. In a satirical or parodical post, a disclaimer should be present in the header to avoid confusion.

2. All humorous, sarcastic, parodical, or satirical remarks within the body of a post must be clearly labeled as follows:

a. Preceded by a clearly-worded warning ten (10) lines in advance.
b. Preceded by a clearly-worded warning one (1) line in advance.
c. Preceded immediately by not less than three (3) smileys of a commonly acceptable variety compliant with Smiley Code paragraph 4, subparagraph b.

d. Followed immediately by not less than three (3) smileys of a commonly acceptable variety compliant with Smiley Code paragraph 4, subparagraph b.

3. Hazards shall be defined as follows:

a. No hazard: Found to contain no more than 1.5 times background contamination levels in no less than two (2) independent tests.
b. Slight hazard: Contamination exists in amounts greater than 1.5 times background levels, yet have been deemed insufficient in no less than two (2) independent tests to be capable of bodily harm during casual exposure.

c. Moderate hazard: Significant risk of bodily harm due to prolonged and/or excessive exposure and/or slight risk of bodily harm due to casual exposure, as determined in no less than two (2) independent tests.

d. Extreme hazard: Significant risk of bodily harm due to casual exposure, as determined in no less than two (2) independent tests.
e. Critical hazard: Significant risk of bodily harm due to ANY exposure not compliant with any and all codes pertaining to the handling of hazardous materials.

4. Those posts containing materials deemed critical hazards must not be handled except by trained personnel in compliance with any and all codes pertaining to the handling of hazardous materials.

:) :) :)

From: JOHN STONE <@earn.cvut.cz:JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL> Subject: system message....

Some console operators have a real sense of humor......
This message was sent out by a Defense Mega-Center (DMC) that supports numerous installations world wide, so a few thousand people world wide of various nationalities got this;

THE WORLD WILL END IN 5 MINUTES...

PLEASE LOG OFF.

From: The Lizard Queen
Subject: http://uvacs.cs.virginia.edu/~bah6f/funnies/quotes.html
> Some Funny Taglines
>
> I'm sure there are more of these. I just happened to get these myself. >
> Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
> My reality check just bounced.
> Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
> Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
> All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
> LISP: Lots of Idiotic Stupid Parenthesis
> Press Ctrl-Alt-Delete to Save
> Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
> If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. > Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps.
> "DesqView!" ...Gesundheit.
> **FLASH** Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. > Not tonight dear.... I have a modem.
> Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse??
> Help stamp out and abolish repetitive redundancy!
> Easy as 3.14159265358979323846...
> C code. C code run. Run, code, run ... PLEASE!
> How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?
> Me hav'em heap trouble. - Tonto the programmer
> A rolling stone gathers momentum.
> To increase speed add lightness
> Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage.
> Old Mcdonald had a computer, with EIA I/O.
> Taco Bell Laboratories: where UNIX programmers eat out. > I'm sorry my Karma ran over your Dogma.
> All that glitters has a high refractive index.
> Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore....
> Mary had a little RAM- about a MEG or so.
> Eunuchs, the non-gender-specific OS
> One if by LAN, 2 if by C, 3 if by ERR.
> Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down!
> I/O, I/O, it's off to work we go...
> Talk is cheap - Because supply exceeds demand.



From: Piotr Plebaniak <@earn.cvut.cz:PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: IFC Jokes part 11: A day off.

Before you ask me for the day off, consider the following statistics: There are 365 days in the year, you sleep eight hours a day making 122 days, which subtracted from 365 days makes 243 days. You also have 8 hours of recreation every day, making another 122 days and leaves a balance of 121 days. There are 52 Sundays that you do not work at all, leaving 69 days. You get Saturday afternoon off. This gives 52 half-days, or 26 more days that you do not work. This leaves a balance of 43 days. You get an hour off for lunch, which when totaled makes 16 days, leaving 27 days of the year. You get at least 21 days leave every year, so that leaves 6 days. You get 5 legal holidays during the year, which leaves only 1 day,
AND YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU THAT ONE DAY OFF!

From: Chip Depue <@earn.cvut.cz:EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Day In The Life

* A Day in the Life of a Computer Addict *
8:45 Get up.
9:01 Eat something that doesn't have to be cooked so that you can eat it while logging in to the computer.
9:02 Login.
9:17 Read email from people around the world.
9:22 Reply to everyone's email.
9:25 Debate whether or not to irc or icb (both pretty much the same thing). 9:26 Decide that ICB is what you want, and login into it.
9:30 Talk to the people you just emailed and tell them all about the email you just sent them.
10:02 Say hi to all "newbies".
10:04 *Hug* all the new people.
10:06 Ask for a gender check, to make sure you hugged the right kind of people.
10:23 Tell a viscous joke and get booted from the group you are in. 10:31 Do /w to find the group with the most people who are the least idle. 10:42 Tell someone you are going to email them, but don't.
11:22 Give someone your phone #, with the strict rules to call only during daylight hours for your timezone, which they have no idea what it is. 11:34 Change to your own group, and as moderator make it completely restricted.
11:35 Invite 10 people into your restricted group, making it the largest group on ICB and making you feel like a real popular person. 11:37 Boot half of the people you invited, because you suddenly realize the group is too big and you want just an "elite" crowd.
12:00 Break for lunch. Go into a separate group called "Lunch". 12:25 Back from lunch, restart your elite group.
12:33 Flirt with that person from USC, promise to exchange pictures through boring "snail mail".
12:57 Enter huge debate about which smiley face is the best seen on a computer screen.
1:07 Boot anyone who disagrees with you.
1:17 Spend much time not talking to your group, since you are /m'ing private messages to people you don't know, nor probably would want to if you ever saw them in person.
1:45 Say "brb" and go answer that talk request.
2:01 Back in the group, you see most of the members were idle without your brilliant icb presence to keep them talking.
2:14 Yell at the idlers to "get a life".
2:17 Boot the idlers. Invite more people into your elite group. 2:22 /w a thousand times in a effort to find that one person you are hoping to see on ICB.
2:44 Talk to the person sitting next to you and 3 other people in the same room as you, via ICB.
3:15 Change group topic six times in an effort to correctly spell that funny line you heard on Letterman last night that is now your funny topic. 4:04 Make plans to come visit everyone next time you make it out that way. 4:17 Someone told a joke that makes you laugh out loud. You try to stifle the laugh so that the rest of the people in the computer lab don't think you are whacked because you are laughing at a computer screen. Type "hahaha" or "hee hee" to let your fellow ICB'ers know you are laughing at their remark, even though it doesn't convey the fact that you have just peed in your pants.
4:44 Do a /w. Realize there are some geeks who have been on since 8am! Make funny remarks about them needing to "buy a life" and so on. When someone remarks that you have been on since nearly 9am, boot them. 5:03 Break for dinner. Change group name to "Dinner" as all your groupmates go off to eat also.
5:39 Back from dinner. Beep everyone to wake them up.
5:47 Wonder why the joints in your fingers creak, your neck aches, and your eyes can no longer differentiate between objects in real life and on a computer terminal.
6:18 Complain about the "lag from hell". Realize it might be because you threw 7 processes in the background that are hogging up your CPU time. 6:20 Kill all the unused processes.
6:22 Complain about the "damn lag" again, and agree that the computer should be updated so that useful educational programs such as ICB can run faster.
6:59 The person you have been waiting for all day logs in and enters your group. Just as you are about to say "hi", they log off, most likely call waiting nuked their connection.
7:02 Swear using all the @#$%^&*(characters to be damn sure not to offend your fucking groupmates who obviously have a shit life and are addicted, unlike you who can quit this anytime.
7:27 After waiting around, you realize the person must be involved in a long phone call, and decided to logoff.
7:29 Decide not to logoff. What else is there to do tonight?? Star Trek: The Next Generation is a re-run.
7:47 They log back into your group, and tell you it was their significant other (not a computer user) who called them (the nerve!) and nuked their connection.
8:04 Start /m'ing someone from the west coast, and begin flirting over the net. Denote all your net actions with *'s surrounding what you do (*massage so-and-so* *kiss* *hug* etc.)
8:20 Engage in some steamy net sex and hope the person isn't *really* getting off on it (it's only a computer, after all).
8:22 Have a net cigarette.
8:24 Exchange physical descriptions of each other with the other user. Exaggerate your looks since after all, they will never see you in real life, right?!
9:05 Say hi to all the new people who logged in and haven't been on all day, since they have lives/aren't addicts.
9:11 Kid around that you are "addicted" but then really wonder if you are. 9:12 Deny your addiction...after all, you do know people outside of the computer too!
10:37 *yawn* and *sigh* to signify your boredom and desire for a significant other. Realize your best chance of meeting anybody is through this damn machine that you have been logged into for over 13 hours straight. 11:57 Debate going home, but then realize all the neat people from the west coast are just beginning to login, because of the time difference. 12:35 Break for a snack. Say you will "brb", one of many clever acronyms you use to save keystrokes, along with "bbl" for "be back later" and "ttfn" for "ta-ta for now".
1:56 Remind yourself to write some crazy file about a day in the life of a computer addict but realize you have to be one to write it. 2:10 Realize you ARE one and decide it is just about time to logoff. 2:16 Net crash. Log back in.
2:17 Remark how the "net goes up and down like a two bit prostitute." 2:57 Heck, the sun will be up soon, and how often do you get to see the sunri se. Might as well stay logged in.
3:50 Think to yourself that maybe you should do your masters thesis on sleep deprivation and the effects of computer addiction, if you ever get your bachelors degree.
4:34 Start great philosophical debate: If people from finland's email addresses end in .fi, and people from japan's addresses end in .jp, israel in .il, and so on; then why do people from the US end in .edu? 5:00 Go home, take some aspirin for the headache after debating one of the greatest unknowns of our time (no, not because you have been staring at a CRT for 20 hours straight!) and get some sleep so that you will be coherent enough to login later in the morning.

by Scott Yanoff (yanoff@csd4.csd.uwm.edu)


From: DRLIT@VAX1.MANKATO.MSUS.EDU (Karl A. Matz)
Subject: Cloudy again

It's been cloudy these past many days. I didn't know how long it had been, though, until this morning. I saw some kids waiting a bus stop. Suddenly the sun peeked out from a break in the clouds. The younger kids were terrified because they didn't know what it was, but there were older kids who still remembered and could calm them.

There's a large red tube in my bedroom. I seem to remember using it to look at these little points of light that used to dot the night sky when I was a younger man. I'm not sure though that I really remember how it works.

Anyway - - I've been busying myself with other pursuits while waiting for a break in the endless shrouds of clouds. Goth this one off the Net somewhere.

Enjoy.

> > The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were
> gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions;
> most were from fifth and sixth-graders. They illustrate
> Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting
> information comes from children, for they tell all they
> know and then stop."
>
> >One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag
> a horse 500 feet in one second.
>
> >You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how
> close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you
> got hit, so never mind.
>
> >When they broke open molecules, they found they were
> only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms,
> they found them stuffed with explosions.
>
> >When people run around and around in circles we say they
> are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
>
> >While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its
> distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
>
> >Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows
> how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
>
> >A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind
> which way it wants to go.
>
> >Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others
> preferred to be oil.
>
> >Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them
> know we know they're there.
>
> >Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the
> sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
>
> >We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
> Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget
> to put the top on.
>
> >I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know
> how to do it, and that is the important thing.
>
> >In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
>
> >Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
>
> >Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's
> tongue will kill the strongest man.
>
> >Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
>
> >Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their
> names sound.
>
> >It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people
> there have to live other places.


From: Larry Scott <@earn.cvut.cz:scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: virginia problems

Connoisseurs of local humour will be pleased to hear that South Africans are just as good at mixing metaphors and creating their own homegrown version of the legendary Irish bull. As follows...

Back in 1985, Femina magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of the vaginal infection known as vaginitis.

The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most of them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them. The letters were collected by Win Kuppers, boss of the advertising agency that created the Femina ad and who swears that every single one of them is genuine. Herewith extracts from some of the most hilarious....
* My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of your vaginitis.
* Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge,
unpleasant smell.
* I am one of those with a virginal problem....
* I would be very grateful if my disease will be acceptable... * Dear Sirs, greetings as a patient to you, but I haven't got enough time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex... * The trouble is my vaginitis and that I am ugly.
* Naturally, I don't sleep around, so I don't know where I picked up this herpes...
* How can I get vaginal infections? Most chemists cannot help. * Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex... * My husband is not happy with the behaviour of my vagina at bed time. * Please send me more information about these vaginal erections... * My symptoms are some of the ones you don't mention, so please send me another medicine.
* Every boyfriend left me and makes another girl pregnant, so maybe you can help me...
* With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infections very handy and unavoidable.
* I tried Dettol, Omo and also pure Brandy. All in vain...
* My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy.
* I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my virginia...
* ...pains during intercourse, even when I am not having intercourse at all..
* Please make the woman in your advert turn around and give me her address. Is she before or after Nelex use ?
* I used to have sex 8 to 10 times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the hospital and they told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity...
* I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with your virginal infections...
* Last night these vaginal infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want me to do..
* Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it. * My virginia is wide open, but I only slept withmy husband alone, but he says I am a bitch I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia again...
* I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant...
* The first time I noticed vaginal infection was in your
advertisement.
* So I want you to help me. So I am not a woman, but so what... * Our town is too small for Nelex.
* My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes, but it doesn't help.
* Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell.
* Please send me back my letter so I remember what I have written. * Please advertise more so that I remember that I have an infection. * I stopped having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, but he has not stopped with me.
* My problem is that I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erections.
* Please send it quickly while I still have a boyfriend to pay for it. * I never told anybody about my symptoms. Now I see them publicly advertised.
* I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was older... * My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex pessaries work like a cork? * When I was 13 I sprayed my vagina with Airoma room-freshener. Now I am 18 and I need your help...
* Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina. * According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered that four of them are taking place in my promised one. She urges me, so help me to help her.
* My new address is (new address supplied)... but please send your reply to my old address.
* I therefore scribble this epistle about my vargin to you... * Can I get a vaginal infection without prescription ?
* Nelex, the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe ? * My husband does not know where I live so we never have sex together. * I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem...
* I am only a little bit pregnant, for safety's sake.
* The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water.
* I have re-organised my vagina recently...
* It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I have no vaginitis?
* I went to a hospital, and even to a doctor, but I am still the same woman.

From: Piotr Plebaniak <@earn.cvut.cz:PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: IFC Jokes part 15

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, he stopped her with these words. "Before you leave, I want you to know how this all came about. Driving down the highway I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I stopped, and brought her home. Then I made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refridgerator. She had some old worn out sandals on her feet so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they'd gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colour didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

A young boy and his father were standing in church foyer, looking at a memorial dedicated to all the men and women who had died in war. "What's that Daddy?", the little boy asked.
"It's a memorial to all the people who have died in service, son", the father re plied.
The little boy pondered this for a moment, and replied, "The morning service or the evening service?"

CHEVROLET: Cheap Hazardous Expensive Vehicle - Runs On Luck Every Time!
From: Thomas Rowe <@earn.cvut.cz:trowe@UWSPMAIL.UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Computers & cars

> WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?
> > General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did.... > >
--------------------------------------------------------------- > > HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

> > Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!" > > HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" > > Customer: "What's an ignition?"
> > HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
> > Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" > >
--------------------------------------------------------------- > > HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

> > Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!" > > HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
> > Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
> > HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" > > Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
> > HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."
> > Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" > >
--------------------------------------------------------------- > > HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

> > Customer: "Your cars suck!"
> > HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
> > Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
> > HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
> > Customer: "I wanted to run faster,so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
> > HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
> > Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!" > >
--------------------------------------------------------------- > > HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

> > Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
> > HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" > > Customer: "How do I work it?"
> > HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
> > Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
> > HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
> > Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"

From: Jim Thomson <@earn.cvut.cz:jmthomso@STUDENTS.WISC.EDU>
Subject: lawyer joke(offensive to lawyers)

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with it's tongue, and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says"Hey! Knock that off!" The rear tiger says"sorry" and they continue. After about 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out and licks the ass of the tiger in front of him. The front tiger turns around and smacks the rear tiger. "I said stop that!!" The rear tiger again apologizes, and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger licks him again. The front tiger turns around and asks "What is with you today?"
The rear tiger replies"Well, I just ate a lawyer, and I am trying to get that taste out of my mouth!

From: Uncle Buck <@earn.cvut.cz:zzhend@ACC.WUACC.EDU>
Subject: Doctor joke

A lady went to see her Dr. after she had surgery.
She asked him how long it would be till she could have sex again. The Doctor began laughing at her.
"What is so funny?" she asked him.
The doctor replied, "Oh, nothing. I've just never been asked that after a tonsillectomy!"

From: Larry Scott <@earn.cvut.cz:scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: UNIVERSAL POLITCAL SMEAR SPEACH

Guaranteed Effective All-Occasion Non-Slanderous Political Smear Speech writer: Bill Garvin from MAD #139, December 1970
My fellow citizens, it is an honor and a pleasure to be here today. My opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity toward your city, but I happen to like this area. It might be a salubrious place to him, but to me it is one of the nation's most delightful garden spots.
When I embarked upon this political campaign, I hoped that it could be conducted on a high level and that my opponent would be willing to stick to the issues. Unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable instead - to indulge in unequivocal language, to eschew the use of outright lies in his speeches, and even to make repeated veracious statements about me. At first I tried to ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fidelities. Now I will do so no longer. If my opponent wants a fight, he's going to get one!
It might be instructive to start with his background. My friends, have you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground and seen what was underneath? Well, exploring my opponent's background is dissimilar. All the slime and filth and corruption you can possibly imagine, even in your wildest dreams, are glaringly nonexistent in this man's life. And even in his childhood!
Let us take a very quick look at that childhood: It is a known fact that, on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a certain playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to masticate in their presence, but even urged him to do so. Most explicable of all, this man who poses as a paragon of virtue exacerbated his own sister when they were both teenagers!
I ask you, my fellow Americans: is this the kind of person we want in public office to set an example for our youth?
Of course, it's not surprising that he should have such a typically pristine background - no, not when you consider the other members of his family:
His female relatives put on a constant pose of purity and innocence, and claim they are inscrutable, yet every one of them has taken part in hortatory activities.
The men in the family are likewise completely amenable to moral suasion. My opponent's uncle was a flagrant heterosexual.
His sister, who has always been obsessed by sects, once worked as a proselyte outside a church.
His father was secretly chagrined at least a dozen times by matters of a pecuniary nature.
His youngest brother wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being a homo sapien.
His great-aunt expired from a degenerative disease.
His nephew subscribes to a phonographic magazine.
His wife was a thespian before their marriage and even performed the act in front of paying customers.
And his own mother had to resign from a women's organization in her later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian.
Now what shall we say about the man himself?
I can tell you in solemn truth that he is the very antithesis of political radicalism, economic irresponsibility and personal depravity. His own record proves that he has prequently discountenanced treasonable, un-American philosophies and has perpetrated many overt acts as well. He perambulated his infant on the street.
He practiced nepotism with his uncle and first cousin.
He attempted to interest a 13-year-old girl in philately.
He participated in a seance at a private residence where, among other odd goings-on, there was incense.
He has declared himself in favor of more homogeneity on college campuses. He has advocated social intercourse in mixed company - and has taken part in such gatherings himself.
He has been deliberately averse to crime in our city streets. He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens to develop more catholic tastes.
Last summer he committed a piscatorial act on a boat that was flying the U.S. flag.
Finally, at a time when we must be on our guard against all foreign isms, he has cooly announced his belief in altruism - and his fervent hope that some day this entire nation will be altruistic!
I beg you, my friends, to oppose this man whose life and work and ideas are so openly and avowedly compatible with our American way of life. A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything we hold dear. The facts are clear; the record speaks for itself. Do your duty.
From: Public Relations <@earn.cvut.cz:PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU>
Subject:

If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this:

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.

And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.
And evening and morning were the second day.

And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the process was constructive.
And evening and morning were the third day.

And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision functional organization and engage in planning by objectives." The committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program directions, and God saw that this was good. And God thought that it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply. And so ended the fourth day.

And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and strategy." The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic.
And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.
On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had planned. He wasn't able to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human beings.

On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its
recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should have been created in the committee's image.

And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee . . .


From: John/Mary Ellen McWilliams <@earn.cvut.cz:jmcwilli@RAMBO.SC.WHECN.EDU> Subject: ethnic sexist

A Polish girl was competing in a swimming meet with a Russian and a Hungarian girl. The announcer called the race; the girls dived into the water, the Russian and Hungarian girls swimming mightily down their lanes. The Polish girl just bobbed up and down in the water. By the time the other girls had finished their laps, the Polish girl had barely bobbed her way across the pool. Her coach rushed up and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why didn't you swim?!!"

With tears streaming down her face, the Polish girl sobbed, "Those other girls cheated! The announcer said we were going to swim the breast stroke, and they used their arms!"

From: "Greg C. Bowlin" <@earn.cvut.cz:GCBowlin@AOL.COM>
Subject: Teacher Humor

TO ALL TEACHERS

Please put this in a prominent place on your desk so that you may refer to it throughout the year. Attach it securely, as no copies will be made available.

So that there is no misunderstanding between thee and me, it is expected that the following rules be obeyed:

1. Students MUST leave their homes no later that 7:30 A.M. and return no earlier that 3:00 P.M. NO hanging around the front
yards. Parents have enough to do in the mornings without baby- sitting your students.
2. Students may come home for lunch only if they live within
thirty feet of the school.
3. If school is to be dismissed at noon on any given day, notice must be sent home six months in advance.
4. No student may come home claiming illness unless he a) is
bleeding from both ears, b) has a broken bone protruding from the skin, c) is unconscious. In such cases, the student may come
home if s/he brings a note from the school nurse testifying that the child is not faking.
5. Oil paints, India ink, and Magic Markers are strictly
prohibited and if brought into the home, will be confiscated and destroyed. In the event that said items are smuggled into the
home, and are found by a preschool age sibling, it shall be
understood that the teacher will then be required to report to
the home that evening to wash down the walls, clean the carpet, and explain the whole thing to Dad.
6. Requests for milk money, hot-lunch money, mission money,
field-trip money, or any other money must be made before the 21st of the month, as no respectable mother can be expected to come up with any petty cash after that date.
7. Students who are persuaded to go out for band will be allowed to practice only in the home of the band instructor.
8. In the interests of peace at home, the following policy will be strictly adhered to: NO PTA meetings, scout banquets,
Christmas programs, graduations, etc., may be scheduled on Monday nights unless they are first cleared with Howard Cosell.
9. Students are expected to return home from school in
reasonably reputable clothes. Trousers with holes, jackets with rips, and shoes with irremovable tar will not be tolerated. In the case of primary students, parents of first and second-graders will be satisfied if their children just return home in the same clothes they wore to school.
10. We realize that personality conflicts may occur throughout the year. However, we must insist that teachers do not request that their students be assigned to another family. While many
parents would be happy to cooperate with such a request, surveys have shown that one home is pretty much like another, and
students and teachers will just have to adjust.

If you have any questions concerning this letter, please feel free to call me anytime before 3:00 P.M. yesterday
afternoon.

From: John Marra Naturalized Yooper <@earn.cvut.cz:S20D@NMU.EDU> Subject: Offensive to Woman

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
From: "The Meltz Inc." <@earn.cvut.cz:mmeltzer@WAM.UMD.EDU>
Subject: Proposals on billboards

Heard on the radio this morning:

I'm using other random names, because I don't remember the ones from the radio.

Somewhere in the midwest (I don't remember that either), Bob bought billboard space. On it, he asked Tanya to marry him.

Well, it turns out that the Tanya it was meant for said yes, but so did 10 other Tanyas who are dating guys named Bob.


From: Paul Robinson <@earn.cvut.cz:paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: About the takeover of the Humor List

Hi there. A few months ago Bill Edwards decided to take an extended visit to India, possibly to teach, or possibly to find some place it would be hard to extradite him from, I'm not quite sure which.

Well, he must have found a way to get back here, because he's back. I suppose it's my fault.

You see, once Bill had left the list, Me and a few other people took over in a bloodless coup, and formed the Humor List Junta to run our own little dictatorship over this list, deciding who got to do what, and offering punishments as necessary. One nice thing is that there are so many murders occurring near me, ten miles away in Washington DC was that people who broke the rules on the humor list could simply be left as another victim of a drive-by shooting.

I mean, those who violate the humor list rules can't read. I don't feel bad about it at all. It ain't like they're really human, or something valuable like a dog, they can be sold to animal labs for destructive testing, and some Vietnamese like to cook dogs for special occasions, or dead dogs, plus cattle that has succumbed to hoof-and-mouth disease for use in making baby food.

Well, as the other members of the Junta didn't bother to help with the work, the body count left in DC continued to rise until I was the only one doing most of the work, except for Larry Randall. He's been the one handing out the assignments to the firing squad, except for the occasional summary execution I've had to hand out for violating the rules of the humor list.

So that made me the "Maximum Leader" of the Humor List, and I was happy with the situation. Plus all the bribes I got from people who didn't want to fill out the 500 page application to apply for contributor status helped improve my standard of living tremedously. I want to thank all of my special contributors for my two new houses and the Mercedes Benz I bought for cash.

Well, unfortunately, Bill Edwards was able to escape from the Black Hole of Calcutta where I had gotten him put into, and is now back to run the list, so all the fun is over. He's putting back all the old rules, including a short contributor's list application, no fees to get on, and similar things.

Plus, we can't have any more executions for violating the rules of the humor list. DC is having a budget crunch and the cops there can't pay for any more people to have killed in simulated drug deals gone bad, then collect on the decedent's insurance; the insurance companies have declared the District of Columbia to be a war zone, and are refusing to pay death benefits for people killed there, on the grounds that they are combatants in a military situation, since there is a "War on Drugs" engaged there.
With Drugs winning, the insurers don't want to be known as being on the wrong side if they take over.

I think this list is going downhill, and it won't be fun any more when all we can do to someone who violates the rules is take away their posting priveleges, but it was fun and profitable while it lasted.
So, anyway, those of you who might like to consider becoming a
contributor to the Humor List, may do so by sending the following message to E-Mail address

LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU

The subject will be ignored. Here is what you put in the message:
GET HUMOR GUIDE

After you fill that out, you mail it back to either of the following addresses:

BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU

or

PAUL@TDR.COM

And if your answers are okay, then we'll add you to the list.

For those of you who hate taking tests, there's an easier way. Get my mailing address from Internet RFC 1394, and send me a donation, the larger the donation, the more favorably I'll look upon your request. Give me your E-Mail address and I'll put you on the list right away. This offer void where prohibited by law, or anywhere it costs too much to pay off the cops and judges.


From: JBologna James Bologna <@earn.cvut.cz:JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU> Subject: Humor: Automated suggestions to the Dean.....

From Ed Symanzik (via NutWorks archive)
I asked Dan Judd, a graduate student who works for me, to look into creating an electronic suggestion box for the dean of the college. This is what he came back with.
Options for creating an anonymous suggestion box for the Dean. 1) Slip note under Dean's door.
Pro - Simple.
Would cost less to implement than generating this report. Con - Only small notes fit.
Not too anonymous in the middle of the day.
2) Put note in box outside Dean's office.
Pro - Simple.
Anonymity reasonable during the day.
Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
Con - Requires ability to find the Dean's office.
Suggestions weighing more a few pounds unworkable.
Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
Will probably get more gum wrappers that suggestions. 3) Mail to an address that strips off headers and forwards to Dean. Pro - Easy to do from anywhere in the building.
Big messages not a problem.
Electronic messages are easy to delete.
Con - Won't be able to strip .signature files from the end of messages. Requires users have access to e-mail.
Electronic messages are easy to delete.
Requires Dean read e-mail
4) A 'suggest' command that sends message to appropriate place. Pro - No problem with signatures.
Fairly simple.
Con - Requires that users remember command exists.
Requires an account and the ability to create a file on Unix. Requires Dean read e-mail.
5) Printer in Dean's office for suggestions.
Pro - Hard copy made of suggestions.
Draws attention to itself, increasing the likelyhood suggestions may be looked at.
Con - Printer must be on.
Queue not anonymous during printing.
Temptation to send the Kama Sutra may be too great for some. 6) Suggestion posted anonymously to public news group.
Pro - Keeps people aware suggestion service exits.
Suggestions more likely to be dealt with in some manner. Others can comment on suggestion along with the Dean. Con - Some suggestions too personal to be posted.
Requires Dean read news.
7) Coup d'etat.
Pro - Eliminates need for anonymity.
Eliminates need for suggestions.
Con - Difficult to automate.

From: James Thorson <@earn.cvut.cz:jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Three young women

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
"Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."


From: Thomas Rowe <@earn.cvut.cz:trowe@UWSPMAIL.UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Germans

This was passed on to me by a colleague. Original source appears to be from W. Fred Rump (fred@compu.com) from a German geneology list.

A cat flap is called a cat flap because they are designed for use by cats as opposed to dogs, giraffes or humans. They are relatively small openings in doors of houses that let the cat go in and out at leisure.

In Germany, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his front door cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art. Mr. Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because he had mislaid his keys. Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student pranksters who removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright blue, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying
"Germany Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art.
Please give generously."
Passers-by assumed Mr. Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very Good! Very Clever!' and threw coins at me."

From: "Greg C. Bowlin" <@earn.cvut.cz:GCBowlin@AOL.COM>
Subject: Warning

Warning: The Surgeon General has declared that doing ANYTHING, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE is hazardous to your health and therefore your should DO NOTHING. ;)

From: James Thorson <@earn.cvut.cz:jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Ahmed Ben Bella

Young Ahmed Ben Bella loved all kinds of beans, and this understandably gave him embarrassing problems with flatulence. Out in the desert this did not matter - except to his camel, who sometimes dragged his nose in the sand after one of Ahmed Ben Bella's more worthy efforts. But, in his village Ahmed Ben Bella often brought shame upon himself and his family when he could not control himself.
One day Ahmed Ben Bella felt a mighty fart coming on. He was in the middle of the marketplace and made every effort to get through the great throng so as to not disgrace himself. But, as fate would have it, Ahmed Ben Bella's efforts were for naught. And, it was a mighty fart indeed: it blew over several of the shopkeepers stalls and dropped no fewer than three donkeys to their knees.
There was nothing to do but leave his home village in disgrace, and for fifty years Ahmed Ben Bella roamed the earth, hoping that the shame he had brought down upon himself would be forgotten. Finally, as an old, old man, Ahmed Ben Bella returned to the place of his birth. As he approached the outskirts of his town his boyhood memories came back to him. He saw a young man coming along the road the opposite way, and he asked him, "Tell me, young neighbor, is dear old Akmed Khan doing well?"
And the young man said, "Oh, no, sir. The honored Akmed Khan died thirty-three years, four months, and two days after Ahmed Ben Bella cut the great fart in the marketplace."


From: JOHN STONE <@earn.cvut.cz:JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL> Subject: selecting a college major

"College" by DAVE BARRY

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and
crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.

* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to rememb something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.
This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really
understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these
subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.
If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because
sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into
scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.

From: U01PA3E <@earn.cvut.cz:U01PA3E.MHS251D@CPF-EMH.CPF.NAVY.MIL> Subject: Humorous practical jokes(Part 1 of 6)

GREAT PRACTICAL JOKES FOR ANNOYING (AND KEEPING) FRIENDS

THE FOLLOWING PRACTICAL JOKES ARE A COMBINATION OF THINGS I HAVE PULLED AND SUGGESTIONS I BORROWED FROM THE INTERNET. THESE SHOULD NOT UPSET YOUR FRIENDS TOO MUCH, BUT BE CAREFUL WHO YOU PLAY THESE ON AS I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY REVENGE YOUR "MARK"(VICTIM) MAY TAKE ON YOU--A.W.C.
1. Fill your victim's pillow with shaving cream and put slashes through the top of the case. When his/her head hits the pillow, all the shaving cream will go through the slits and cover your friends head.

2. An old standard...if your victim falls asleep face up with a hand out, put shaving cream in his/her hand. Then tickle their nose with a feather and let their instincts do the rest.

3. Put iodine tablets in the shower head...or jello mix...both work really good.

4. Remove the bedsprings from the mattress. When the person goes to bed, the mattress will slip right through the frame.

5. Buy about 10 glad bags full of those styrofoam peanuts. "Borrow" someone's car keys when they aren't looking, and bring 3 or 4 strong people with you. Close all the windows and lock all the doors except the drivers side. Have as many people as you need tip the car and hold it so it doesn't fall while you fill the car with those peanuts through the open driver's door. Close the door, gently put the car down, and quietly put the car keys back. Act none the wiser when your friend throws a shit fit when he/she finds their car full of styrofoam. You can rest assured that all the peanuts will never come out of the car. Try not to laugh the next time you are in the car and peanuts come rolling out from under the seat.
6. Same idea as 5...different material. Get a five gallon bucket of styrofoam beads that are not expanded and a bottle of activator fluid. Dump the beads into the car. Quickly empty the bottle of fluid into the car, close the door and run! The inside of the car is now a solid block of styrofoam.

7. "Captain's log: Stardate 2734.3. 'I am nailed to the hull.'"
8. You know all those 1)800 numbers on T.V.? No, not the phone sex 1)900...the numbers that are selling everything from the "Collection of the Best Love Songs Ever Written" to Ginsu knives to the Ronco pocket fisherman! Order everything in your mark's name...most of them will deliver P.O.D. About a week later, the mark will be screaming about who the fuck is sending him Elvis Commemorative Dinner Plates and the Bamboo Steamer.

9. We pulled this one on two girls in college. They went to pick up their parents at the airport for Parent's Weekend. We carded our way into their room (American Express...never leave home without it!) and completely switched the sides of the room. Everything from their posters to the contents of their drawers and closets. You should have heard it! ("And this is our...wait a minute...I thought I was...and weren't you over...what the hell?")

10. A friend of mine stayed down at school over the winter break one time. While everyone else was at home for Christmas, he went out to the lumber yard, bought studs, sheetrock, and paint, and walled over a friend's dorm room door. It was completely gone! How would you like to return to school to find your dorm room missing?


From: Maurizio MORABITO <@earn.cvut.cz:b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: Make Exams, no Love!

TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX!

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter, you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser".
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

and the number one reason is .....

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!


From: Gwen Eckman <@earn.cvut.cz:fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: you know you're a grad student when ...

You just might be a grad student if:

...you can identify universities by their internet domains. ...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
...you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes. ...you understand jokes about Foucoult.
...the concept of free time scares you.
...you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
...you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird. ...the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
...you've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
...you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it).
...you can read course books and cook at the same time. ...you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
...you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.
...you've ever worn out a library card.
...you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
...you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
...you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.

From: Chip Depue <@earn.cvut.cz:EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Womenspeake < Suggestive >

>> How To Translate Womenspeak
>>
>> When She Says She Really Means
>> ------------- ----------------
>>
>> No. Yes.
>>
>> Of course I'm not upset. Of course I'm upset, you moron! >>
>> I might as well tell you. Bob and I Bob and I are having sex. >>
>> are seeing each other.
>>
>> I feel like I've known you my whole I'm drunk.
>>
>> life.
>>
>> Will you respect me in the morning? You won't tell your friends, will you?
>>
>> I never do this on my first date. I always do this on my first date. >>
>> Don't touch me there. Touch me there, but I'm going to >>
>> stop you the first few times. >>
>> You're...so manly. You need to shave and you sweat alot.
>>
>> Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at I've been waiting by the phone for >>
>> the bar Friday night? three days.
>>
>> Let's not talk "commitment". Let's I'm not taking any birth control >>
>> just see what happens. pills.
>>
>> You're certainly lovely tonight. Is sex all you ever think about? >>
>> I can't believe you're here. It must I've been following you all day. >>
>> be fate.
>>
>> I'm particular about who I have sex I draw the line at barnyard >>
>> with. animals.
>>
>> I'm not emotional and I'm not over- I'm having my period. >>
>> reacting.
>>
>> Okay, but I hope you're not I'm flat chested.
>>
>> disappointed.
>>
>> Want to come upstairs for a nightcap? Want to come upstairs and have sex? >>
>> C'mon...just come upstairs for a Maybe if I get you drunk you'll >>
>> drink. have sex with me.
>>
>> I love a man who takes charge. You're picking up the bill, >>
>> aren't you?
>>
>> Be romantic...turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
PS : THE PAINTER

A bum stopped at a mansion for a hand-out. The owner said, "If you can work, you can eat. Here's a gallon of green paint. Paint the porch out back and I'll give you a good dinner." After a time, the bum was back at the door. He said, "OK, I'm all done, but it wasn't a Porsche, it was a Jaguar."
From: "Linda W. White"
Subject: Monday groaners

Teacher: Class, tomorrow you'll be taking an aptitude test...
Student: No fair! You didn't teach aptitude this semester!

[my fave:] Lots of people thought Barbara was spoiled, but it was just the perfume she was wearing...

Hostess: Now Jenny, when you serve the guests at dinner, be careful not to spill anything!
Jenny: Not me! I won't say a word!

A commuter is getting on the train one morning when another passenger stumbles and bumps into him.
"Pardon me," said the passenger. "I'm a little stiff from rowing." "How do you do," replied the commuter. "I'm from Larchmont myself."
Joan: What happened to that boyfriend of yours?
Ginger: Oh, he lost all his money in the stock market.
Joan: That's too bad. You must feel sorry for him.
Ginger: Yes, he'll miss me terribly.

Beryl: My son got an "A" for cutting class!
Meryl: How can that be? What school does he attend?
Beryl: Barber College!

Skeleton: bones with the people off.

Katie: My neighbors are impossible! They must've had a fight last night-- they were banging on the walls until three in the morning!
Tim: I guess it kept you awake.
Katie: No, I was up late anyway practicing my trombone!

Tom: You think New York is dangerous...why, right here in Hilldale a guy pulled a razor on me!
Dick: Were you hurt?
Tom: Nah--he couldn't find a place to plug it in.

Writer: I haven't produced anything decent in months! My writing is getting worse!
Publisher: No, your taste is improving.

New prisoner: I'm the toughest con in this cellblock.
Cellmate: Prove it.
New prisoner: I committed armed robbery.
Cellmate: Big deal. So did I.
New prisoner: With a bitten-off shotgun?



From: Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest

Subject: Sexyally suggestive

A guy comes home to announce to his wife that he has lost his job. The couple is in debt up to their eyeballs and in need of some
immediate cash until he finds another position.

He tells her" You're going to have to sell your body, at least for a short time."

She replies "I don't know how to do that. Where would I go? What would I say?"

He says "You go to a bar to pick up guys. I'll be there too; if you have any questions just ask me."

So they go off to a bar with a rather bad reputation. She sits down next to a guy who asks finally "Can I buy you a drink?"

She says "excuse me" and runs over to talk to her husband who is in a booth at the bar. "He wants to buy me a drink." The husband says "Tell him yes."

So she goes back and has a drink. The guy says "How about going up to my place?" She goes to a quick conference with her husband who tells her "Tell him it will cost."

She goes back, delivers the message, the guy says "How much?"

The wife again excuses herself, confers with her husband who says "Tell him $100 for EVERYTHING."

She give him the price. The guy says "I only have $25; what do I get for $25?"

Once again the women talks to her husband who advises her "Tell him for $25 he gets a hand job."

So they agree on a hand job. No need to go to his place for this act. They adjourn to a booth at the back of the bar. The guy opens his fly and pulls out the biggest penis the woman has ever seen.
Once again she excuses herself, goes to her husband, and says "Can I borrow $75?"