This sign is posted at the check out stand of a convience store at my school.
"Need a penny, take a penny, need two pennies, get a job."
I saw this in a store this weekend.
Children Left Unattended will be Sold as Slaves.
A white man comes from England to South Africa. He is looking for a hotel but all the hotels are full so he makes up his mind to try out a hotel for blacks. They have beds all right, but there is one problem: under the law, a white man cannot sleep in a blacks' hotel. Since it's getting late in the night, the receptionist has an advise to offer:
"Take this shoe-wax, rub it into your face, neck, and hands - so that nobody could tell you from a black - and I'll give you a bed for one night. I'll wake you up at dawn, you wash the wax off and leave the hotel before anyone notices."
The man does what he was told.
Early in the morning, the receptionist wakes the customer up. He goes to the bathroom and tries to wash the wax off but nothing happens. Horrified, he scrubs and brushes, there is no more soap left, but no way, he's still black...
... For the receptionist woke up the wrong man.
Two South African Police were on patrol,
(In the strong days of passbooks, etc)
and they came across a black boy of around
12. He was out of his area, and one of the
policemen urged him to get home asap.
He started running, and the second policeman
took out his bazooka and shot the black boy
in the back.
The first one said:
"Why did you do that?"
The second one replied:
"I know where he lives, and he would never have
been able to get there before curfew"
Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no return. So, he called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to the gates of heaven. He informed them of his decision and told them to go back to their people and prepare them for the end of the world on Thursday.
Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he has bad news and worse news. After decades of telling the Soviet citizens that there is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong. He has seen God with his own eyes. Worse yet, God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.
Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news and bad news. After centuries of telling the US citizens that there is a God, he has proof that we've been right. He has seen God with his own eyes. But the bad news is that God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.
Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting. He says that he has wonderful news and even more wonderful news. God, by calling him to the gates of heaven with the leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world, has just confirmed how important Bill Gates really is. The even better news is that on Thursday, IBM will stop shipping OS/2.
-------- "Scott P. Muir"
A man in a small mountain church in Southern Appalachia had "pleasured hisself" with a woman of the town, and the members of the congregation gathered to decide whether or not to "church" him. They met all afternoon, one group arguing to throw him out and the other arguing to forgive him.
Finally one old woman in the back of the church stood up. "Brethern" and sistern," she said, "I've been a member of this church for forty years. All it's ever been around here is fornicate and forgive, fornicate and forgive, fornicate and forgive. And I'm telling you I'm tired of being the one that's always a'doin' the forgivin'!"
-------- "Musat, Bob" <@IBM4381.ONET.EDU:bmusat@oscs>
notice on the wall in a physics lab:
do not look directly into
laser with remaining eye!
-------- Amy Ward firstname.lastname@example.org
Heaven login: root
OmniShell$ ls -l
drwx------ 19 root 512 Aug 5 10:52 Mail/
drwx------ 8 root 1024 Aug 3 17:14 News/
drwxr----- 2 root 512 Jul 22 15:11 appointments/
drwxr----- 2 root 512 Jun 15 15:04 calculations/
drwx------ 3 root 1024 Jun 24 16:01 creation/
drwxr-x--- 3 root 512 Jun 15 15:08 eternity/
-rw-r----- 1 root 5810 Jul 22 15:39 faq-How_to_be_a_God
drwx------ 3 root 512 Jul 7 22:54 listings-of-Bad-People/ drwx------ 4 root 1024 Jul 14 21:52 listings-of-Good-People/ -rwxr-x--- 1 root 3532 Jun 28 14:31 readme
drwx------ 7 root 512 Jun 15 15:21 z-modem/
OmniShell$ cd creation
You must select one of these options:
make universe (warning, it really takes time)
make star (you need lots of He & H)
OmniShell$ make star
make: changing directory
make: collecting He & H
Black Hole dumped
OmniShell$ rm Black Hole
rm: Black: No such file or directory
rm: Hole: No such file or directory
-------- Nico Verboven
Maybe I am lucky to be going so slowly,
because I may be going in the wrong direction
-------- "Dawn M. Shotts"
There was this little boy named johnny. Johnny's mom was having a baby. Johnny would go into school everyday and tell the teacher; my mommy's gonna have a baby, my mommy's gonna have a baby.
This went on until about six months into the pregnancy, everyday, so the teacher asks Johnny when is the baby coming. He tells her that he doesn't know, he only knows mommy's having a baby. So the teacher tell's Johnny's mom this and asks her to explain.
Johnny comes home one day and his mother approaches him and says Johnny feel my stomach, do you feel that. He says yes. She says that is the baby in there.
Well a month goes by and Johnny never once mentioned the baby to his teacher. she was a little concerned and asked Johnny when is the baby coming. Johnny says there ain't gonna be no baby. The teacher in horror asks why not and Johnny says, "cause mommy ate it."
-------- Leo Anderson
> "The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife"
> WIFESPEAK ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
> --------- ------- ----------
>* You want <==> You want
>* We need <==> I want
>* It's your decision <==> The right decision should be obvious by now >* Do what you want <==> You'll pay for this later
>* We need to talk <==> I need to complain
>* Sure,... go ahead <==> I don't want you to
>* I'm hungry <==> (a) Make me something to eat
> (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together > your last $$, and go drive across town > and get me something to eat. ... I don't > care if what you are doing is important. >* I'm not upset <==> Of course I'm upset, you moron >* You're,... so manly <==> You need a shave and you sweat a lot >* You're certainly <==> Is sex all you ever think about? > attentive tonight
>* I'm not emotional! <==> I'm having my period
> And I'm not over-
>* Be romantic, turn <==> I have flabby thighs
> out the lights.
>* This kitchen is so <==> I want a new house
>* The car is empty <==> Go fill it up
>* The trash is full <==> Take it out
>* The dog is barking <==> Go outside in your underwear and see what is > wrong
>* I want new curtains <==> and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper >* I need wedding shoes <==> the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white >* Hang the picture <==> NO! I mean hang it there!
>* I heard a noise <==> I noticed you were almost asleep >* Do you love me? <==> I'm going to ask for something expensive >* How much do you love <==> I did something today you're really not going > me? to like
>In answer to "What's Wrong?"
>* Nothing <==> Everything
>* Everything <==> My PMS is acting up
>* Nothing, really <==> It's just that you're such an asshole >* I don't want to talk <==> Go away, I'm still building up steam. > about it
-------- "Dawn M. Shotts"
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-------- Herman Archie
There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. He would make a bet on anything and he would always win. His shipmates were continually losing their money to him, making them very irritated.
The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship. The next day the boy was transferred, and less than 15 minutes after boarding the ship, the boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had hemorrhoids. The new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew he had no hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet. The boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend over. The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick up the Captain's ass. The sailor found no hemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50 bucks. The new Captain thought this was great and wanted to call the boy's old Captain and tell him.
When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken 50 dollars from the boy. The old Captain replied, "How?"
"Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemorrhoids. I knew I didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop my drawers and bend over. When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids. Fifty bucks I won."
The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left here he bet me 500 dollars that within hour he would have a broomstick shoved up your ass!" -------- Pedro Valdes
A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.
Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.
The next dat at an awards ceremony for the 6 heoic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.
"What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?", asked the Governor.
"Well," replied the old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old truck!" 8-)
-------- Linda Guy
51% Sweetheart, 49% Bitch...
Don't Push Me!
Certified Pain In The Ass
Don't Ask Me!
I've Got 2 Balls But Neither Of Them Are Crystal!
When I woke up this morning I had one nerve left
And now you're getting on it!
I got this T-Shirt for my HUSBAND...
GOOD TRADE, HUH?
-------- HOGNE SANDVIK
An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next
to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start
due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the
pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced
that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the
doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then
asked the minister whether he wanted anything.
He replied - "Oh No! - thank you. I would rather commit
adultery than drink alcohol.
The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to
the air-hostess saying ...
"Madam, - I did not know there was a choice."
---------: Ken Smith
Lord grant me the
serenity to accept
the things I cannot
change, the courage
to change the things
I can and the wisdom
to hide the bodies
of those people I
had to kill because
they pissed me off.
A "choukcha"-man (Far North Russian equivalent of eskimo) was given an orange for the first time in his life. He liked the fruit very much. Asked to describe his impressions, he said: "I's good, very good, almost as good as fucking". --------: Lee Bradley
Two new assistant professors in linguistics at Auburn University were traveling across the state to a meeting. As they passed a road sign, the passenger read out the sign: Arab - 25 miles. [He pronounced it AY-rab.] The driver corrected him: "No, not even in Alabama. It's got to be pronounced AIR-ab." "No," repeated the passenger, "I'm sure it's AY-rab!" "AIR-ab!"
And so the argument continued. They bet $10 and agreed to stop and ask. When they got to Arab, they pulled into the first hamburger joint, and the driver went up to the window.
The lady slid up the glass and in her flat local accent asked, "Kin I he'p yew?"
"Yes," answered the professor. "My friend and I have a bet about the correct way to pronounce the name of this place. Would you, very slowly and very clearly, pronounce it for me?"
"Well, aw-right. It's day.......ree......... QUEEN!"
--------: Chester Hodges
An up and coming lawyer was informed that he was going to have to get a 30% cut in his salary.
Later that evening he was discussing, with his wife, some ways in which they could trim some of the fat in their budget.
"Honey," he said,"if you could learn to prepare a few meals, we could get rid of the cook."
"Well dear," she replied,"If you could learn to fuck, we could fire the gardner."
--------: "S., James"
Came across this from the social chemistry Lab. Enjoy yourselves!!!
WOMAN - A CHEMICAL HAZARD
DISCOVERED: Adam. Datum Undetermined
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118lb but known to vary from 100 to 550lb OCCURRRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas
1. Surfaces usually covered with painted film
2. Boils at nothing. Freezes without reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
1. Has a great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and precious stones 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increase by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
1. Pure specimen turn pink when discovered in the natural state 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
1. Highly dangeerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although desireable
--------: Michael Ligas
> There was a young assistant manager who was working in a produce department. >
> One day he went up to his boss and said "Some asshole wants a half head of > lettuce," but when he turned around that man was standing there. He quickly > said "but that's alright, this gentleman here will take the other half." >
> His boss was impress with the young assistant's quick wit. He said, "We > could use a man of your style in our Sudbury branch, how would you like > to work there?"
> The assistant said in horror, "Only whores and hockey players come from > Sudbury!"
> His boss quickly stated, "My wife comes from Sudbury!"
> The assistant quickly asks "Oh, what team did she play for?"
you know it is going to be a bad day when........
your smoke alarm catches on fire.
--------: Arthur Emerson III
President Clinton and his family went out one evening to a baseball game. When the home team's catcher heard that the president was sitting in the stands, he went over to Bill and whispered something in his ear. Bill smiled. A few minutes later, the catcher came over and said "It's time, Mr. President." Bill lifted Hillary over his head, spun around a few times, and flung her over the railing onto the field. The catcher, who looked surprised, ran over to the president and said, "You seem to have misunderstood my request. I wanted you to throw out the first PITCH!" --------: Jay Pittman
With that, the first man staggered to a nearby window, opened it, and stepped out. As his drinking buddy watched with glazed eyes, the man plummetted toward the pavement. And then, incredibly, he stopped falling and began rocketing upward toward the window. Within seconds he was standing within the bar beside his friend.
The second man gupled down the rest of his drink and headed for the window. He stepped out into the air and fell toward the streets hundreds of feet below. He struck the pavement in a matter of seconds.
Back up in the bar, the first man doubled over with laughter as he walked back to his barstool and ordered another drink.
Then the bartender walked up to him and said, "You know, Superman, you sure are mean when you drink.
1 teaspoon sugar 2 bottles rum
1 cup dried mixed fruit 2 cups brown sugar 1 teaspoon soda 1 cup butter
2 large eggs 1/2 cup baking powder 1 ounce lemon juice 1/2 pound mixed nuts
Before starting, sample the rum to check quality. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure rum is still OK all right. Try another cup. Open second bottle, ifffxx necessary.
Sample rum again.
Next, sift 3 cups pepper of salt, really doesn't matter. Sample rum. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a bablespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mel.
Greese oven. Turn cake pan to 350 degrees. Pour mess into boven and ake. Check rum and go to bed.
--------: "S., James"
Two drunks were sitting in a bar talking. One of them
said, "Light travels from the sun to the earth at 186,000
miles per second. That's really fast."
The second responded, "I'm not surprised. It's downhill
all the way
--------: "S., James"
It is said that Dr. Prof. Gen. Alhaji Idi Amin Dada Ph.D, CBE having conquered declared himself the conquerer of the British Empire, (and revised the Border with Kenya) called his advisors to announce the next assignment:
Gen. Idi: " We have conquered the British Empire, now we must conquer the American Empire"
Advisors: " Al haji that task is impossible"
Gen. Idi: " Why?"
Advisors: " Those people have even gone to the moon!"
Gen. Idi: " Have they?, We shall go to the sun!"
Advisors: " We might get burnt"
Gen. Idi(annoyed): " You think I am stupid, we'll go at night" --------: HOGNE SANDVIK
When Pope Johan Paul the first died, he went of cause upstairs and knocked the pearl-gate, and this is the story about that incident..
Gabriel: Who are you, and what is your buisness here?
P. JP. I: I am the Pope, do you not expect me ??
Gabriel: You are not on my list. Wait a moment, I'll call up the boss if he knows..
Grabing a phone, Gabriel says: Master; there is somone called the Pope here at the frontgate, asking to come in; do you know him ?
The Boss: Nope, but wait a minute; I'll ask junior...
In the background you hear:
The Boss: JUNIOR; do you know anyone called the Pope ??
Junior: No, try asking the spirit..
The Boss: Ghosty; do you know anybody called the Pope ??
Ghosty: Don't let him inn; Don't let him inn! He is the one telling nasty stories about me and virgin Mary..
--------: Sara Rummelhart
LOCKER-ROOM JOKE: For best results tell only to males who have not surrendered their adolescent nature.
Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of hand. Then he got an idea. He had seen elephants lift one leg and even two legs. Once in a circus he'd even seen an elephant lift three legs in the air and stand on just one.
So Reggie announced to the world that he'd pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant stand in the air on no legs. However, each person who wanted to try would have to pay a hundred dollars.
People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to hypnotism , but no one could make the elephant rise up in the air. Then one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and addressed Reggie: "Is it true that you will pay ten
thousand dollars if I make your elephant get off all four legs?"
"Yes," Reggie said,"but you've got to pay one hundred dollars to try."
The little man handed Reggie a hundred-dollar bill. Then he went back to the car took out a metal club. He walked up to the elephant and looked him in the eye. Then he walked behind the elephant and swung hard, hitting the elephant smack in the balls. The elephant let out a roar and flew up into the air. (Okay to giggle).
After the little man had collected his ten thousand dollars, Reggie was very depressed. He'd only taken in eight thousand dollars and now he'd not only lost a couple of grand but still had the problem of feeding and housing the elephant.
Suddenly Reggie got another inspiration. He knew that elephants could move their heads up and down, but he had never seen one move side to side. So he announced that he would pay ten thousand
dollars to the person who could make his elephant move the head side to side. However, each person had to pay a hundred dollars to try.
All these people came (I am tired of typing)...Blah,blah,blah...
Then finally the same little man came, paid a hundred bucks. He returned to his car took out his metal club.
He walked up to the elephant, "Do you remember me?" he asked.
The elephant nodded his head up and down.
"Do you want me to do it again?"
The elephant quickly shook his head ... NO. (Laugh now).
RESPONDING TO A READER WHO COMPLAINED that his radio had been in a repair shop for two years, the "Action Line" reporter for an Ottawa, Canada, newspaper, \The Citizen/, claimed it had taken another area resident seven years to have a black-and-white television set repaired.
According to the story, the set was stolen from the repair shop, then had to be held as evidence in the thief's trial. After it was returned to the repair shop, the shop owner died, and while his funeral was going on, thieves broke into the store and stole the set again.
After being recovered by the police once more(!), the TV was
returned to the original owner, who took it to another repair shop, but that business went bankrupt, and the receivers liquidating the shop's assets sold the set accidentally. After being informed of their mistake, the liquidation company bought the set back and was delivering it to its owner when it accidentally rolled onto its face and the picture tube broke.
After a lengthy debate over responsibility for the accident, the liquidating firm finally agreed to pay, but by then the original manufacturer of the set had gone out of business and replacement parts were hard to find.
Nevertheless, seven years after it first broke down, the set was finally repaired. However, on his way home with the TV in the trunk of his car, the owner was struck from behind by a careening pickup truck. The set was demolished. (contributed by R. J. Lemaire)
--------: Robert Werman
Two old codgers were comparing their sex lives.
"How is your sex life?" said the first to the second.
"Great," answered the second. "A new grandchild every
"And you?" asked the second.
"Almost every day," said the second. "Almost on Sunday,
almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday...."
--------: Debra Ortiz
A salesman who was accustomed to the better things in life because of an elaborate expense account once found himself in the backwoods south. He was hot, dusty, and thirsty and needed a place to stay. Soon he came to a motel on the side of the road. He walked into the office and was met by the two backwoods country boys who ran the place. "Gentlemen", he began, "I need a clean room, a hot bath, a bottle of your best whiskey and a woman." They two boys looked at each other, then turned to the man, "Yes suh!!" They gave him a room which was cozy and clean. He was pleased, and he decided to take his hot bath. He called to the office and told the boys he was ready for his liquor and a woman. They agreed to send up the liquor right away and the woman would come (no pun intended) in just a few minutes. They brought their bottle of Southern Comfort to the man who was relaxing in a steaming bath. When they left they panicked. "Where in the hell we gonna get a woman now??" They then remembered the inflatable woman that the last salesman had left. When they figured the man was good and "relaxed" they sent in the lifesize inflatable doll.
The next morning as the salesman came to check out, the boys asked him how he had enjoyed his stay. "Well boys, I gotta tell ya. The room was great--the bath was hot--and the liquor did the trick. But that woman was something else. I bit her in the titty, she farted and flew out the windows backwards. Never did see her again. --------: THE UNICORN
There were once 3 sisters that were all growing older. They were all sitting downstairs watching television, when one sister said,"I think I will go upstairs & take a bath." So, she went upstairs and ran the water. She was about to put her foot in the tub, when she said,"Oh my, am I getting out of the tub or getting in the tub? SISTER, SISTER, come help me. I can't remember what I'm doing!" So, the second sister got up to go help the first sister. She got to the stairs and began to climb, when she said, "Was I going up the stairs or down the stairs? SISTER! SISTER! come help me. I can't remember what I'm doing!" So, the third sister, being frustrated, said to herself, "I'm so glad I'm not like my other two sisters, who can't remember anything. I think I'll knock on wood." She did and then paused and said," Was that the front door or the back door?"
Two eggs are in a frying pan.
One says, "Sh*t, it's getting pretty hot in here"
and the other says
"WOW ! A talking egg !!"
Two cows are standing around in a paddock.
One of them says, "MOOOO"
and the other says, "I thought you'd say that"
There is no such thing as a not beautiful woman; what happens, sometimes there is not enough of vodka.
--------: Oesterlich Tapfer
Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of hand. Then he got an idea. He had never seen an elephant laugh.
So Reggie announced to the world that he'd pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant laugh. However, each person who wanted to try would have to pay a hundred dollars.
People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to hypnotism , but no one could make the elephant utter a laughter, not even raise a little smile. Then one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and addressed Reggie: "Is it true that you will pay ten thousand dollars if I make your elephant laugh ?"
"Yes," Reggie said,"but you've got to pay one hundred dollars to try."
The little man handed Reggie a hundred-dollar bill. He asked to be alone with the elephant for a moment. Reggie left them in the backyard.
Not one minute after that, he heard the elephant explode with
hilarity. He ran to his yard and saw his elephant lying on the
ground with hysterical laughter.
Reggie, astonished, asked the little man what he could have done to the elephant to make him laugh : it was theoretically impossible for an elephant to laugh. The man answered : "I told him I got a bigger dick than his".
After the little man had collected his ten thousand dollars, Reggie was very depressed. He'd only taken in eight thousand dollars and now he'd not only lost a couple of grand but still had the problem of feeding and housing the elephant.
Suddenly Reggie got another inspiration. He now knew that elephants could laugh, but he was absolutely sure that they could by no mean cry. So he announced that he would pay ten thousand dollars to the person who could make his elephant cry. However, each person had to pay a hundred dollars to try.
All these people came (I will not type either)...Blah,blah,blah...
Then finally the same little man came, paid a hundred bucks. He asked again to be alone with the elephant for a minute.
Shortly after, Reggie heard the elephant sobbing. He ran to his back- yard and saw the elephant, completely depressed, crying bitter tears.
Reggie couldn't believe his eyes. He asked the little man : "Well how COULD you do that ? Last time you told him you had a bigger dick than his, but ..."
The man interrupted : "I showed it".
--------: Daniel Gallant
Jesus was walking through the hospital one day. He went up to a blind man and said, "Have faith my son, close your eyes and when you open them, you will see." The blind man closed his eyes, Jesus touched the blind man, and when he opened his eyes he could see. He kissed Jesus's hand and said "Thank you Jesus."
Later that day Jesus saw a lame man using crutches. He went up to the man and touched his shoulder and said, "Have faith my son, throw away the crutches, and you will walk." The man threw away the crutches and his legs were strong, and the man could walk perfectly. He kissed Jesus's hand and said "Thank you Jesus."
As Jesus walked through the ward, he noticed a man with his face covered and just his eyes were visible. Jesus went over to the man's bed and tried to pull the covers so he could see the man's face. The man pulled the covers over his head, as if to hide. Jesus asked, "What is wrong my son?" To which the man said, "F***off, I'm on compensation!"
--------: JEFF HUBBARD
So this mouse is walking around in the middle of nowhere when he hears a faint cry: "help me, help me." He looks around and finally he locates the source of the noise. There's an elephant down at the bottom of very deep hole, and the elephant can't get out. "Won't you please help me," pleads the elephant. "No problem," replies the mouse, "I'll be right back." A few minutes later, he shows up with a Corvette, attaches a rope to it, lowers the other end of the rope down to the elephant, and tows the elephant out of the hole. "Thanks," says the elephant, "I owe you one." Several weeks later, the elephant is walking around when he hears a cry for help. This time it is the mouse who has fallen into a hole and can't get out. Since the mouse had saved him, the elephant decides to save the mouse. So the elephant straddles the hole, drops his dick down to the bottom, and lets the mouse climb up his dick and safely out of the hole. Which just goes to show what we all knew already: If you've got a big enough dick, you don't need a Corvette. --------: "Jill A. Albert"
The great huntsman had accomplished all the goals in life he had set out to except killing a grizzly bear. He traveled to the Northwest territory, hired a guide, and went up into the woods after a grizzly. After three weeks of no success, the guide said he was going back. The hunter refused to give up, however, and continued his hunt. Two days later he came upon the most gigantic grizzly in the forest. As he crept toward a better location, he tripped and the rifle went off in the air attracting the attention of the grizzly. When he tried to reload, the gun jammed. He threw the gun down and began to run with the grizzly in hot pursuit. He ran several hundred yards brushing limbs aside, stumbling over logs, etc. Finally, he fell...exhausted on the ground just as the grizzly was almost on him. He closed his eyes and said, "Oh God, please make this a Christian bear so he won't eat me." Suddenly everything got real quiet so he opened his eyes and saw the grizzly kneeling down over him with his front paws together saying, "Bless this food, Oh Lord."
--------: "Jill A. Albert"
This man who wasn't feeling well went to his physician. During the examination, the doctor asked him if he was able to sleep well. He said, "Yes, 8 full hours a day." Then the doctor asked if he was eating well. He said, "Yes, 3 meals a day." Then the doctor asked if his bowels move regularly. He said, "Yes, just like clock-work at 7:45 each morning." The doctor indicated that he didn't know what the problem was so he thought he would administer a new drug which would kill all germs known to man within 24 hours. Three little germs living inside the man overheard the conversation and the first germ said, "I'm going to hide behind the heart, that drug will never find me there." The second germ said, "I'm going to hide behind the liver in hopes the drug will pass me by unnoticed." The third germ said, "You guys can be heroes if you want, but I'm taking the 7:45 outta here."
--------: "Jill A. Albert"
This very religious lady inherited a parrott named Suzie from her aunt. It happens that the aunt used to run the local house of ill-repute in a Northwestern logging town, and the only thing Suzie could say was, "Hi, I'm Suzie. I'm a bad girl, let's have a good time." She tried everything to cure this, but to no avail. The religious lady told of her plight to the local priest and he said that he knew of two very religious parrotts named Peter and Paul at the district parrish. He felt that if Suzie were placed with Peter and Paul, their religion would rub off on her. So they took Suzie to the parrish and placed her in the cage with Peter and Paul. She immediately said, "Hi, I'm Suzie. I'm a bad girl, let's have a good time." Whereupon Peter turned to Paul and said, "You can put that prayer book down now, Paul. Our prayers have been answered."
--------: Rob Knauerhase
Q: How do you find a good lawyer?
A: All you need is a shovel and a map of the cemetary.
Q: What do you have if you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
--------: "Jill A. Albert"
A correspondent banker in Texas ran out of gas while crossing the desert. After walking all day in the hot sun, he half walked and half crawled up to this farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could have a room for the night. The farmer said, "Yes, but I want you to know that I don't have any daughters." The banker then asked, "How far to the next farmhouse?"
--------: "Jill A. Albert"
Two young French nuns had the opportunity to come to America. Before leaving, the Mother Superior told them that during their visit they must try the American hot dog. After arriving in New York, they went directly to a concession stand and ordered two hot dogs. The first nun got hers and opened the bun to see what it looked like. She exclaimed, "Mon Sherie', guess what part of the dog I got?"
--------: "Jill A. Albert"
A pessimist thinks all girls are immoral...an optimist hopes he's right. --------: "Jill A. Albert"
They have discovered a new method of brain transplanting in Arkansas. An individual can get a new profession by simply having a new brain transplant. Prices range from $200 an ounce for a doctor's brain, $500 an ounce for a lawyer's brain, to $1,000 an ounce for a banker's brain. An interested patient said, "Wait a minute. A banker can't be worth more than a doctor or lawyer." You don't understand--you have no idea how many bankers we have to kill to get an ounce of banker's brain. --------: Babur Saylan
The man was too stupid that he was obliged to put out his shoes to count to twenty
--------: Marty 'Spiff' Kuhrt
Uncle Fred and Aunt Suzie (perhaps the same couple as mentioned earlier) were always quibbling about how much he drank. One night she was called by the bar that he frequented. They asked that she come pick him up and give him a ride home. On the way home from the bar she took a detour to a hilltop overlooking the local brewery. She pointed to the brewery and said, "See, no matter how much you drink, they'll make more!" To which Uncle Fred replied, "Yeah, but I've got'em working nights to keep up!" --------: Jay Pittman
The Elephant Search Test (EST) is a widely accepted DOD standard test that has been found useful in determining the level of an employee within his or her job category. There is but one question on the test. It reads as follows:
Describe how you would identify and catch an elephant in Africa. Answers given by professionals in various job categories appear below.
Will attempt to prove that at least one elephant exists before attempting to search the continent.
Will prove the existence of at least one Africa and leave the remainder of the problem to Junior Mathematician.
Will catch from zoos some number of random elephants and weigh them to get a representative weight as well as a variance. Then he will catch every moving thing on the continent. Anything that comes within +/- 1000 pounds will be classified as an elephant. Other minor differences will be assumed to be non-relevant.
Junior Computer Scientist:
Will traverse the continent beginning at the Cape of Good Hope and proceed northward in a west to east pattern catching all items and comparing their characteristics to a previously defined set of elephant characteristics until some item is found that matches every element of the set. All data on this process will be lost, however, since no documentation will be maintained.
Senior Computer Scientist:
Same as Junior Computer Scientist except that a known elephant will be placed in Cairo so that the search will terminate properly. Also, the entire episode (results included) will be documented before it starts.
Will send out forms to all living creatures asking them to respond immediately if they suspect that they may be elephants. Respondents will then be interviewed and ranked according to the likelihood that they are indeed elephants. None, of course, will meet all the qualifications.
Will immediately propose a law requiring a yearly census of each item on the continent and a committee will be formed to evaluate the results of the survey and to propose follow-up legislation.
Will kill every living thing on the continent and then claim that no elephants have ever existed there and that everything that does remain there is happy and doesn't want any more attention. Will then apply to USA for most favored nation status based on services rendered in Africa.
Will determine the probability of finding an elephant on any given attempt and will quickly decide that it is not worth the effort to try to find one.
Will honest to God try his damnedest to get to Africa to catch whatever it is that he is supposed to look for, but will probably be unable to get there due to his schedule. If he ever gets there he will search with all his might and with all of the latest gear to find anything, but his staff will keep all elephants safely out of sight and lead him instead to a banquet prepared in his honor.
Does not want to see any damned elephants or go to Africa. Will assure chairman that no elephants exist and that even if one did exist, he, the chairman, should not worry about it. Once in Africa, the staff will stick close to the chairman and scare all the elephants away and assure everyone that no elephants are present. If the chairman happens to see one they will assure him that he, in fact, saw nothing of the sort and that he will receive a full report on the matter first thing Monday morning.
Will immediately move to have the matter dropped and insist on being paid for his trouble.
Unfortunately, due to a federal injunction, no information can be made available concerning this answer since we are currently being sued for coming up with this test.
(But you get the idea.)
Mayor of Washington, DC:
Will eagerly jump at the chance to meet any creature with a snorting tube already attached to its nostrils.
Will call around until one is eventually found in the building, thereby relieving everyone else of having to look for it. Will then make copies of the animal and distribute one to everyone. Extra copies will be filed away for later use.
--------: "Sheila C. Tucker (904) 644-4839"
"Mommy, what's that? (Pointing to her crotch)
"Oh, son, that's my sponge." The little boy seemed satisfied with this.
Some time later, the mother had to go into the hospital for an operation (preseumably a hysterectomy or somthing like that. Anyway, they shaved her pubic area).
The little boy notices that the sponge is gone and asks what happened to it. The mother says, "Well, it's gone for now but it will come back."
A few days later, the mother is home recuperating, and the little boy rushes in to her and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found your sponge! The next door neighbor has it and she washing Daddy's face with it!
--------: Bill Prokasy
Finally there came a day that a software genius developed an all-purpose logic program which managed to incorporate all of the world's knowledge in its extensive disk storage.
After installing the software successfully in the fastest processor available, and using the processors' voice capabilities, he asked the ultimate question:
IS THERE A GOD?
The computer responded with: I SHALL WORK ON THAT QUESTION
And so the computer did--for days and days--and finally responded:
THERE IS A GOD.......NOW
--------: Debby Romero
This is a true story: My friend called me last night and was telling me about her week-end. Well, it so happens that she ended up with this guy who has a reputation for one night stands. She knows this and so she decides that she'll show him. So they go for a drive out to the lake which is approximately 8 miles from town. By the time they get there, he is all worked up and can hardly wait to get in the back seat. She tells him to get ready by placing a blanket in the back seat and when she gets back from the restroom then they'll get down and FUCK.
So upon her return she asks him if he's ready to Fuck and he says yes. So she tells him OK, get the FUCK out of my car, you FUCKEN asshole. You want to FUCK? FUCK YOU! and find a FUCKEN way home cuz I'm leaving your ass here.
--------: Juraj Panko
The Woman is like the world
at 20 years she is like Africa
at 30 years she is like India
warm nature and mysterious
at 40 years she is like America
at 50 years she is like Europe
all in ruin
at 60 years she is like Siberia
everyone known where it is,
no one wants to go
--------: HOGNE SANDVIK
Lecturer: "Today we are discussing sexual intercourse. There are sixty different ways of achieving sexual intercourse".
Voice from the back: "Sixty five!"
Lecturer: "There are sixty known different ways ..."
Same voice again: "Sixty five!"
Lecturer: "Despite the gentleman at the back, there are sixty
different ways known to the medical profession, the first of which being man on top of woman".
Voice from the back: "Sixty six!"
--------: Bill Prokasy
A Catholic Priest, and former president of Gonzaga University once told the following story to an audience of over 100 at the Brigham Young University Home Living Center--it was a higher education conference held around 1970. With but one modernization--which you will recognize--the story is essentially as told to this august audience.
A fast-track young business executive had been working quite hard and one afternoon developed a splitting headache, sufficiently painful that he decided to take the rest of the afternoon off. He went home, which was an apartment on the 12th floor of a high-rise condominium, and realized upon reaching his door that he had left his keys at the office. He rang the doorbell and with no answer rang it again---and again.
After several minutes his wife opened the door. Her hair was in disarray and she had only her bathrobe on. The young exec was a bit suspicious, so he ran through the apartment looking for someone else. There was no one behind the living room couch, under the bed, in the walk-in closet, or in the bathroom. He ran into the kitchen and found no one in the pantry or under the kitchen table. He then looked over the kitchen balcony, and there, 12 stories below on a patio, was a man slipping on a shirt. Immediately concluding that he had discovered the guilty party, the young exec went berserk, grabbed the refrigerator and, heaving and shoving, managed to dump the refrigerator over the balcony railing.
The stress was so great that the young exec had a heart attack and died. He wafted his way to the pearly gates and there met ST. Peter who commented that he seemed to be quite young for his arrival and wondered why he was there. The young exec told his story, and St. Peter replied that it was a terrible thing that he had done, but that since he had done it in a fit of unreasoning rage there would be some forgiveness and that therefore he could enter heaven at about level 7.
A moment or two later a second young man appeared at the pearly gates, and upon a similar query from St. Peter explained that he didn't know exactly what happened. He had been resting in a hammock on a patio of a high rise condominium, realized that it was 3:30 and that he was working the 4 to 12 shift, leapt out of the hammock to put his shirt on and then, sensing a shadow and hearing a shout, looked up just in time to see that some nut had pushed a refrigerator over a balcony railing. Not having time to move, he was dispatched to the pearly gates. St. Peter, feeling sorry for the young man, and recognizing that he had lived a good life, told him he could enter at heaven at level 2.
No sooner had the young man left than President Clinton showed up. Incredulous, St. Peter pointed out that he hadn't expected the President for some years yet, and asked how he had managed to arrive so soon.
President Clinton responded--To tell you the truth, I don't know what happened. There I was, sitting in this refrigerator, minding my own business....
--------: Sara Rummelhart
Two guys were sitting at a bar talking about their wives. "My old lady is so ugly," one said, "that the beauty parlor told her there was nothing more they could do."
"You think that's bad?" the other man asked. "I took my wife to a plastic surgeon and asked him what he could do to make my wife look better. The only thing he could think of was adding a tail."
The Queen of England decides she wants a Kentucky thoroughbred in the royal stable, so she calls President Reagan, who decides to meet her in Lexington, Kentucky.
When they get there, they decide to go for a ride. They're just pulling out of the barn when the Queen's horse's tail goes up and "Lbbttt!" - out comes a monstrous fart.
The Queen says, "I'm so embarrassed!"
Reagan says, "You shouldn't be! I thought it was the horse!"
--------: "S., James"
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They just declare the burned-out bulb to be the standard. --------: Fernando Davila Nieto
When God created Adam, he asked him for the perfect companion:
Somebody intelligent, nice, sexy, funny ... etc.
-"Of course I can do it" God replies, "but it will cost you
one leg and one arm"
- Hmmm ... and what can I get for one rib ?
--------: Arthur Emerson III
Q: What is IBM's idea of a man-year?
A: 730 programmers rushing to complete the next release of OS/2 before lunch.
Q: How many IBM mainframe programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. It's a hardware problem.
Political cartoon in newspaper recently: A drawing of a large, empty building in the evening with a big "IBM" sign on it. The caption said, "Will the last person to leave please remember to sign off the computer."
Quote from unknown source: "In every organization, there is one person who knows what's going on. This person must be fired."
--------: "Brian K. Auger"
RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD
TAOISM Shit happens
HARE KRISHNA Shit happens rama rama ding ding
HINDUISM This shit happened before
ISLAM If shit happens, it is the will of Allah ZEN What is the sound of shit happening?
BUDDHISM When shit happens, is it really shit?
CONFUCIANISM Confucius say, "Shit happens"
7th DAY ADVENTISM Shit happens on Saturdays
PROTESTANTISM Shit won't happen if I work hard
CATHOLICISM If shit happens, I deserve it
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS Knock, knock. "Shit happens".
UNITARIANISM What is this shit?
MORMONISM Shit happens again & again & again.
JUDAISM Why does this shit always happen to me? RASTAFARIANISM Let's smoke this shit!
--------: John Bastian/Johnny
Sex life of an electron
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try to get a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across Wheastone bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.
Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, decided to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered his capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit, connecting them in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Milli Amp cried, "MHO", MHO, it Hertz, but give me MHO".
With his tune operating at maximum amplitude, her coil vibrating from the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their cutoff point. The heavy current flow made her tubes of anode very hot and Micro Farad was rapidity discharged and drained of every electron. They fluxed all night, trying various connections until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking; Later, Milli Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro Farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
- an electron in the forbidden gap --------: "Martin A. Thompson"
Two women, one Irish and one Ukranian,
are having tea late one Friday afternoon.
The Irish women looks out the window and
remarks... " ooooh! here comes Patty
home from work with a lovely wee bunch
of flowers! I guess I'll be expected to
spend the weekend with me legs up in
the air! ". The Ukranian women turns to her
and asks, " WHAT??? You have no vase? ".
--------: "Brian K. Auger"
A woman on an African safari strays from the group and is grabbed by a baboon and raped. Rescued, she is rushed back to the States, where it takes her nearly a month to come out of the shock. A friend visits. "Don't you think it would help to talk about it?", she asks.
"What's to say?" the woman sighs sadly. "It's been four weeks--he doesn't call, he doesn't write...
Brian Auger email@example.com
--------: "Amy L. Ward"
This Product Attractts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Square of the Distance between Them.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE
This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.
The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little Is Currently Known, and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
Despite any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, In Actuality, this Product Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO
The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Emerge, the Existence of this Product in that Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
--------: HOGNE SANDVIK
A young Italian had stayed at the YMCA hotel in London. He
wasn't satisfied with his stay, and sent this complaint to the
Dear Signore Direttore.
Now I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at your hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a
younga christian man at your hotella. When I comma to my room
I see there is no sheet on my bed. So I calla down to
receptione and tella:
- I wanta sheet.
They tella me:
- You go to toilet.
- No, no you don't understanda me. I wanta sheet in my bed!
- You better not shit in your bed, you son of a bitch!
What is sonna-wa-beach?
I ago downe for breakfast in ristorante. I order egg and bacon
and two pieces of toast. I getta only one piece of toast. I
tella waitress and point at toast:
- I wanta piece!
She tella me:
- You go to the toilet.
- No, no I wanta piece on my plate!
- You bloody well not piss on the plate! You go to the toilet!
Why is your staff always saying "Go to toilet?" Is that a
modern British tella? You know, I am 23 years old and I know
for myself when I wanta go to toilet.
Then in the evening I ago downe to ristorante for dinner.
Spoon and knife is laid out on the table. But no fork. I tella
- I wanta fork!
And she tella me:
- Sure, everybody wanta fuck.
- No,no you don't understand me. I wanta fork on the table.
- So you want to fuck on this table? Get your ass out of here!
How comma this christian hotella tella the guests in such a
bad manner? So I go down to receptione and ask for bill. I no
wanta stay in this hotella no morro. When I have a-paid the a-
billa the portier say to me:
- Thank you, and peace on you.
- Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-beach, I now go back to Italy.
Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no morro, you
Luigi Brampiano, Roma
--------: Michael Ligas
I ordered 2 Megs of RAM. They arrived on Friday.
On Monday, I had the following conversation with the
people from whom I bought them.
"Hello, this is MacCenter, how can I help you?"
"I ordered two Megs of RAM last week and I received them but I'm having trouble getting them out of the package."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"They're encased in a laser printer."
"Oh my goodness!"
--------: P S Gupta
The inspection was due the next day. And this new army recruit
was worried because one of his window panes was broken. All he
could think of was remove the remaining pieces of glass and make it look like a clear pane. The next day the inspector checked
his cabin & started to leave. Suddenly , pointing to the broken pane he said "Next time I want all panes as clear as that one." --------: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
This is related by a recent emigre from the USSR, according to
a recent issue of "World Press Review":
One colllld winter, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop would have meat for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a long queue had formed outside of the butcher shop.
At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the Jews leave?"
They did, and the line was shortened somewhat.
At 11 o'clock the official came out again and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's still not enough meat for all. Would all of the non-party members please leave?"
They did, and the line was shortened again.
At 2 o'clock, the official came out again. "There's still not enough meat for all of you! Would all those who did not defend our great country from the fascist German intruder leave?"
Once again, the line was considerably shortened.
At 5 o'clock, the official announcement was, "There's still not enough! Would all those who did not participate in the liberation of our people from the terrors of the Czar leave!"
This included just about everybody.
Finally, at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again. The only people left in line were three half-frozen old men. He told them, "There isn't any meat."
The old men moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves - "Those Jews get the best of everything!!"
--------: Steve Cox
At U. of Michigan, we used to tell this one about Michigan
State, however, any despised college will do.
Bubba, the most popular football player at Michigan State
had completed his eligibility, and was set to graduate.
The problem was, he had never attended a course, or
learned anything. The Dean and football coach wanted to
graduate him, however, to stave off student revolt.
Still, they had to have him demonstrate some sort of
competence. So, at the graduation ceremony, when
Bubba's name was called, he went up to the front.
"Bubba, if you can pass this test, you graduate,"
said the Dean.
"What is two plus two?"
Bubba, thought for awhile, counted on his fingers,
and with a puzzled, yet hopeful voice, said,
A cry went up in unison from the student body,
seated in their caps and gowns:
"Aw, give him another chance!"
--------: Debra Ortiz
A country couple--I mean BACKWOOD country couple were recently
married. One of the wedding gifts which they received was a sow. Farmer Brown, who gave them the sow told them to bring the sow to his male pig (boar?) and soon they would have baby pigs. So, the next morning, the young man put the sow in the wheelbarrow and pushed her down the road to farmer Brown's. After the sow and the boar "did the dirty," the young man pushed the sow back home. The next morning the couple checked, but there were no pigs yet. So, the man loaded the sow onto the wheelbarrow and took her back to Farmer brown's. The next morning--no piglets. So, the next day they tried again. The next morning, as the wife and husband ate breakfast:
Wife: we got any baby pigs?
Husband: No, but the sow's in the wheelbarrow.
--------: Phil Corless
Our school holds an academic competition each year, and
every entrant must pass a general-knowledge quiz. Helping
to grade the tests, I could see that one student must have
really struggled to answer the question "What is the oldest
desert in the world?" He had written: "Apple pie."
I try my best to teach my children good manners. So one
day as I set a cup of milk in front of my two-year-old,
I asked, "What do you say?" She looked at me thoughtfully,
then smiled, lifted the cup and said, "Cheers!"
While I was preparing dinner, my preschooler asked what an
eclipse was. Using our salt and pepper shakers and jar of
pickles, I tried to position them correctly to explain an
eclipse. When I asked my son if he understood, he said,
"Yes. It's when the salt shaker goes behind the pickle jar."
My daughter and her husband, Monte, had flown to visit me,
and he held their baby in his arms as the passengers stood
to deplane. Noticing the baby's shirt, which said "Little
Terror," a woman commented, "I think it's awful to have your
child wear something like that." "But it's true," Monte
replied. "Well," the woman persisted, "I wouldn't advertise
it." A moment later, he shifted the infant a bit, and the
woman exclaimed, "Oh, his shirt says 'Little Terror.' I thought it said 'Little Error.'"
A father was walking around the neighborhood with his son when they came upon two dogs involved in the procreative act. "Father, what are they doing?" asked the little boy. "They're making a puppy," the father said. Later that night junior gets out of bed and goes to his parents' room to find them in the procreative act. "Daddy, what are you doing?" asks the son. "We're making a baby," replied the father. The little boy's says, "Well roll her over -- I want a puppy!!!"
--------: Joe Mole
ON MEETING DEATH
Once Nasrudin was walking in his garden when one of his
servants, rushing, approach him. The servant cried that he had just encountered Death, who had threatened him. He begged the
Mulla to give him his fastest horse so that he could make haste and flee to Teheran, which he could reach that same evening. The Mulla consented and the servant galloped off on the horse.
On returning to his house Nasrudin himself met Death, and
questioned him, "Why did you terrify and threaten my servant?"
"I did not threaten him; I only showed surprised in still
finding him here when I planned to meet him tonight in Teheran." --------: LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU
A man dies and finds himself at the pearly gates being greeted by Saint Peter. St. Peter informs him that all new arrivals to heaven get one wish, anything they ask for. The man without hesitating says that his wish is to have the Virgin Mary answer a question. St. Peter looks at him rather strangely but says that's not a problem.
The man is brought before Mary and St. Peter tells her of the man's wish. Mary is flattered and asks him what his question is.
The man says, "I have seen many images of you in paintings, sculptures, frescos and carvings. You always look so sad. I would like to know why."
Mary looks around to see if anyone else is listening and wispers to the man, "Well to tell you the truth, I really wanted a girl."
--------: Mike Ellwood
>From New Scientist, 28 august 93, Feedback column:
"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal information about its customers-such as their political affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse.
The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked." --------: Zedai Zheng
A crowd of husbands have a meeting discussing how to give rid of the control of their wives. In order to check how many of them
are afraid of their wives, one participant suggests: "Those who dread their wives please stand on the other side." All the men
come over to the side except one who stand unmoved. All the guys express their admirations for his manliness and ask him to talk some experience. He says: "My wife told me not stand in the place where many people stand together."
Do you know what happened when Jesus recently returned to Savajevo (remember that this city is largely Moslem and the Christian are the ones who are threatening to destory them) walking down a major street carrying a huge wooden cross?
Hey, where did you get the wood for that thing? (Laugh now. Nearly all trees have been cut down for fuel. Information about where to find the necessities of life are very important to these people).
A man, standing in food line, broke wind (farted). The woman standing behind him asked, "Where did you find the beans?" (Smile or laugh, that's funny in Sarajevo).
--------: Dan Hotopp 5-2931
He enjoyed looking at the varied wildlife as he wandered through the paths, and sat down by the monkeys to rest. He became very perplexed as he noticed that one monkey had a bowl of peanuts, and would pull out a peanut, look at it, stuff it up his anus, take it out and eat it.
He watched the monkey do this until the entire bowl was empty. Being rather upset and confused by what he had witnessed, he went up to the offices, and asked to speak with the zoo- keeper.
When he was led into the keeper's office, he told him that something was definitely wrong with one of his monkeys. After he related what he had seen, the keeper gravely nodded his head and said that the monkey he had seen was the smartest animal in the zoo.
Totally baffled, the Professor asked him how that could be? "Well," said the zoo-keeper, "last week that monkey ate a whole peach, and it hurt him so bad when the pit came out, that now he checks everything before he eats it to make sure it will fit!"
Hardships in Sarajevo remind me another one from Moscow.
A man walks into a food store and asks what kind of meet they have today. "The dog, grade B," the salesman says, "would you like some?"
"Well, if it's indeed the only sort you have, I might take a couple of pounds."
And after a while: "Hey, what are those pieces of wood supposed to be?" The salesman: "Give me a break, man. Don't you know the B-grade meat comes with the dog-hole?"
--------: Cheryl Causey
A farmer's bull seemed to lacked his usual sexual drive and wasn't going near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who examined the bull and prescribed something to stimulate the bull's interest. A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into a friend who asked, "How's that bull? Did the vet help?" The farmer: "Thankfully, the bull is back to his former frisky self." Neighbor: "What miracle drug did the vet prescribe?"
The farmer: "I don't know, but it tastes like licorice."
--------: Dave Seitz
The Canonical Collection Of Owls
/ \ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ /___\
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ \|||/ <.,.> \
--------: Tommy Hughes
This joke was told at an Italian wedding by the priest who had earlier conducted the ceremony. It went something like this:
Sister Mary was one day teaching her class of grade three
children and she decided to test them out to see how much they learn't. She says to the children; "Who knows where god lives ?"
One little boy puts up his hand and says "I know where god lives, he lives up there in the sky and the clouds"
"That's very good, "says sister mary, "Does anyone else have another answer?"
A little girl puts up her hand and says "I know where god lives, he lives in the ground and the hills and the grass everywhere."
"That's very good,"says sister mary,"anyone else?"
Then another boy says "I know where God lives for sure, he lives in my home in the toilet."
Sister Mary gets a little concerned and asks "How do you know that young lad?"
"Well,"says the boy, "every day, early in the morning I see my father banging on the door of our toilet saying 'God are you still in there?'" --------: Joe Risser
One evening after the theater, two fellows were walking down the avenue. They o bserved a well dressed, attractive, young lady just ahead of them. One turned t o other and remarked: "I'd give $50 to spend the night with her." To their surprise, the woman overheard the remark and turning around said, "I'll take up on that." The man accompanied the woman to her apt where they went to bed.
The next morning the man presented her with $25. She asked for the rest saying "If you don't give the other $25, I'll sue." He laughed, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds."
The next day, he was surprised when served a summons offering his presence in court. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details to him. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgement against you but it will be interesting to see how the case is presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer adresses the court, "Your honor my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent for a specific time to the defendant for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuateion, paid only $25. The rent was not excessive as it is restricted property and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and somewhat amused. His defense was altered from what he had planned, "Your honor, my client agreed that the young lady has a fine deed of property, that he did rent such property for the time, a nd a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and injected a pump, all being performed by him. We claim these imp improvements to the property are sufficient to effect the unpaid balance and the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rent of said property. We, therefore, ask judgement to be directed for the defendant."
The young lady's lawyer came back with, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property and made improvements described. However, if the defendant had not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property.
Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not only dragged the eq equipment through the shrubbery but left the hole larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We, therefore, ask judgement be granted."
...and damned if she didn't get it.]
--------: Ken Smith
There were these two farmers, one was very wealthy and the other was poor. Well it just happen to be that there wifes had birthdays on the same day.
The poor farmer said to the wealthy farmer, "What do you plan on getting your wife for her birthday tomorrow?"
Well he says, "I'm going to get her a Mercedes and a Mink coat".
Why are you getting her a Mercedes AND a Mink coat?, says the poor farmer.
That way, if she doesn't like the mink coat, she can drive herself to the store to return it!
RF: By the way, what do you plan on getting your wife tomorrow?
PF: A pair of slippers and a dildo.
RF: Why the dildo?
PF: That way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself. ****************************
This young girl about 5-7 years old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday after school. Well, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that she couldn't walk the dog for a week or so because it wasn't feeling well. His daughter became very upset and cried for most of the night.
The next day the father came up with a plan. He put some gasoline on the dogs rear end to hide the cover the smell from the male dogs.
Well when the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her dog again.
About an hour later the girl returned without the dog.
The father asked what on earth has happened to the dog?
The girl replies: Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back and is being pushed home by another dog.
--------: Oesterlich Tapfer
A tourist rents a camel to an old Bedouin, who tells him :
- It's a very capricious animal, sometimes it stops and won't continue. - What do I do then ?
- You take these two bricks I give you, and when it stops, you get down, walk behind it, and (*smash*) crush its balls between the bricks ! - God, it must hurt terribly !
- No, look : if you hold them this way, with your thumbs on the upper side, it doesn't hurt at all.
--------: Dani Mudge
Crocodile walks into a bar.
Barman says "What the matter, why are you looking so sad?".
Croc "I'm Not feeling sad at all".
Barman "Then why the long face?"
--------: Bill Rauscher
Bill was walking along the beach when he noticed a bottle sticking up through the sand. He reached down to pick it up, brushed it off and stuck it under his arm as there was no trash can close to deposit it. A few seconds later, smoke started coming out of the bottle.
Startled, he dropped the bottle. Much to his surprise a genie
appeared. The genie said, "I really appreciate you letting me out of that bottle. I've been in there for years. For doing this, I will grant you a wish. What do you want more than anything else?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I want to be known now and until the end of time as being the person responsible for causing peace to happen in the Middle East." The genie said, "OH MY!, that's a huge request. I'm only a junior genie and there is only one genie in the whole universe who can accomplish that!" "What is your second wish?" Bill thought for a moment and said, "I want my wife and daughter to be known throughout the world as being the most desirable and
beautiful women in the world." The genie smiled and nodded and then thought a moment. With a puzzled look on his face he said, "What was your first wish?"
1. The female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules,
she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female may change her mind at any time.
9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed
written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
17. The female is ready when she is ready.
18. The male must be ready at all times.
--------: Jay Pittman
Finally, in frustration, the Pope ordered the man into the back seat of the limo, and His Holiness took the wheel. Five minutes later the limo had been pulled over by an officer who, upon seeing the driver of the car, walked back to his car and called his commanding officer.
Officer: Sarge, I've got a problem. I caught someone speeding but he is a really important guy. Should I give him a ticket anyway?
Sarge: Of course you should. It doesn't matter how important he is. By the way, how important is he? Is he as important as our governor?
Officer: Oh yes, sir. He is much more important than that.
Sarge: Is he as important (gulp) as the President?
Officer: Yes sir. He is even more important that that!
Sarge: Well just who is this guy and how important is he?
Officer: Well, sir, I can't really say for sure, but he is using the Pope as a chauffeur.
--------: STACY BICHELMEYER
Marie and Pierre had just gotten married, and were at the hotel for the first night of their honeymoon. Marie went to the bathroom and put on a sexy nightie and came out, only to see Pierre sitting at the end of the bed, fully dressed. Marie snuggled up to Pierre and said, "Pierre, why don't you take off your shoes and socks and get more comfortable?"
Pierre took off his shoes and socks, and Marie saw that his toes were curled up backwards! "Pierre, what happened to your toes?"
"When I was a child," Pierre replied, "I had Tolio."
"OK," replied Marie. So she started kissing Pierre and said "Pierre, why don't you take off your pants?" Pierre took off his pants, and Marie saw that his knees were horribly knobby and twisted. "Pierre! What happened to your knees?"
"When I was a child, I had Neasles."
"OK. . . . . . Pierre, why don't you take off your shorts?"
So Pierre took off his shorts and Marie exclaimed, "Oh, Pierre, not Smallcox, too!"
--------: STACY BICHELMEYER
Antoine bought a new gun. He was very excited, and couldn't wait to show it to his friend, Pierre. "Pierre! I have a wonderful new gun! When you look through the sites, things look very close! Come with me to shoot it!"
So Pierre and Antoine walked to a hill outside of town to shoot the gun. Piere sited the gun and said "Antoine! I can see your house! I can see your wife through the picture window. She is naked. John Luke is there with her.
"Pierre," asked Antoine, "can you shoot well?"
"Good. I only have two bullets. With the first one, I want you to shoot my wife in the head. With the second, I want you to shoot John Luke through the penis."
"Antoine, I have good news. I only need one bullet."
--------: Gwen Eckman
Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief
fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
Two West German motorist had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
An 85 year old guy walks into the local clinic and says he wants a sperm count.
The doctor looks at him funny then says "Ok, heres a bottle. Fill it up and bring it in tomorrow".
The old man then leaves.
The next day he returns and says to the doc "you know i tried my right hand and then my left. my wife tried her right hand and then her left. she even used her mouth on it. you know after all these years youd think we could get that damned bottle open!!!!
--------: HOGNE SANDVIK
Mommy! Mommy! Daddy has hanged himself in the cellar!
Mother, nearly fainting from fear, rushes down the stairs.
Behind a door in the cellar the boy shouts:
April fool, mommy! He has shot himself in the garage!
--------: "S., James"
> > SOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY
> > or
> > DEFINING COMPUTER TERMS FROM A "MARKETING" POINT OF VIEW > >
> > ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous versions. > >
> > ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it. > >
> > BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try.
> > NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous version. > >
> > DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string budget. > >
> > EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the documentation. > >
> > FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system. > >
> > FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded.
> > FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer. > >
> > HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare.
> > IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks. > >
> > MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix.
> > MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors.
> > PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- It works through beta test.
> > REVOLUTIONARY -- The disk drives go round and round.
> > SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -- We'll send you another copy if it fails > >
> > STOCK ITEM -- We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, > > probably.
> > UNMATCHED -- It's almost as good as the competition.
> > UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -- Nothing ever ran this slow before. > >
> > YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- We finally got one to work.
--------: HOGNE SANDVIK
The Swedish Royal Couple, finally alone after the wedding
- Silvia, darling, my first ...
- Darling Carl Gustaf, my sixteenth ...
--------: Luigi Bruno
On his return from a long journey, a travelling salesman bursts into an armoury shop with a rifle in his hands:
"John, hurry, give me two bullets: I had to shoot at the all dirty guys that
petted with my wife when I was away!"
"Sorry, Tom," reply the dealer, "I had to call the factory: here in the shop
I've only one cases of them"
--------: Ron Chibnik
Three contractors, a black, a jew and an Italian, die simultaneously and arrive at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them and says "Glad you're here. The elevator to heaven is broken. Since you're contractors, perhaps you could fix it."
He turns to the black contractor and says "Give me an estimate." The black guy thinks, and says "$30" St. Peter thinks this is kind of low, and asks how he arrived at the estimate. "$10 for parts, $10 for labor and $10 for profit."
He turns to the jewish contractor and says "Give me an estimate." The jewish guy thinks, and says "$99" St. Peter figures this is kind of high, and asks how he arrived at the estimate. "$33 for parts, $33 for labor and $33 for profit."
Finally, he asks the Italian. "Give me an estimate." The Italian says "$230." "$230!!!" says St. Peter. "How'd you come up with THAT??!!??" The Italian says, "$100 for me, $100 for you and $30 for the black guy." --------: Charlie Hill
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women.
So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"
GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvey and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiney, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."
--------: Lee Bradley
Marcel was a French laborer who was intent on improving himself and his status in life. To that end, he enrolled in night classes and began all too quickly to disgust his fellow workers with his new-found knowledge. At a lunch break one day, he started again:
"I learned something last night that you don't know. What is the name of the person who prevented the Moors from taking over France? You don't know; I'll tell you; it was Charles Martel.
"And what is the name of the man who 'invented' the potato? You won't know; it was Parmentier.
"And what is the name of the scientist who cured smallpox? Let me tell you, it was Pasteur." And on and on.
Then Jean-Luc broke in, and said, "Tell me who is Alain Lefevre? I'll bet you don't know!" Marcel thought and thought, but he had never heard of Alain Lefevre. Jean-Luc continued, "You won't know. Let me tell me you; he's the guy who's screwing your wife while you're at night school! --------: Katrina Ford
Q:What do you call a blonde with panties around her ankles?
Q:Why do blondes only have a ten minute lunch break?
A:So employers don't have to retrain them in the afternoon.
Q:What did the blonde do when she came to a glass wall?
A:Climbed over to see what was on the other side.
Q:What did one blonde's knee say to the other?
A:Nothing they never met.