From: Angel Dey
Subject: HUMOR: Humor about cats
From: Tim Heller
When I was younger (living with my parents) we had a cat.. A very nasty
cat. One night my parents went out for evening and left us with a
babysitter. The cat was being particularly nasty this evening --
tearing around the house, shredding things with it's claws & other nasty
things. My brother, sister and myself were trying to find a way to get
rid of this cat. It was my brother's(the older one) idea to put the cat
in the freezer. My sister and I thought this was a wonderful.
So, we caught the cat - and into the freezer it went.
My parents got home a while later, looked around the house and wondered where
the cat was. We proudly told my parents that we had solved the problem of the
nasty cat... we put it into the freezer.
OH NO - my mother said... She immediately got the cat out of freezer - it was
frozen solid. My mother call the Vet - he said pour gasoline on the cat.
My mother thought this was rather strange, but went ahead and did it anyway.
After a minute the cat got up slowly - took three steps and fell over again.
My Mom called the Vet again, and explained what had happened. The Vet said
"Well of course - the cat ran out of Gas"
HA HA HA HA HA -- That joke was hilarious when I was 8 years old.
Another: Fred and his wife have three cats, and this one male cat is firmly
convinced that he owns the house and that Fred and his wife and the other cats
are bloody lucky he lets them live there.
Well, every once in a while this cat takes it upon himself to show who's boss.
Recently, his way of proving this is to pee on things he knows are important,
right in front of you.
Fred had enough of this REAL QUICK, and finally, one day, the cat strolled
over to a book lying on the floor, and started peeing. Fred decided to fight
fire with fire, unzipped his fly, and peed on the cat.
You've never seen such a shocked cat in your life! The message was VERY CLEAR,
and the peeing has stopped.
From: Joe Mole
Subject: Humor: Irish drinking joke :-)
Mike, an Irish potato farmer was on his deathbed. Pat, his best friend of
forty years was at his side.
"Pat... Pat..." Mike whispered.
"Yes me friend, what is it?" Pat replied
"Pat, over there, behind the bookcase, I have managed to hide a 30 year old
bottle of Irish whiskey. When I die, and before they bury me, I want you to
pour it over me casket."
Pat looked at him for a moment, and said, "d'ya mind if I strain it
through me kidneys first..."
Don't read this if you are offended by elephant jokes!
Why are elephants wrinkled??
Have you every tried ironing one?
From: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA"
Subject: IRA humor - doubtless offensive
In honour of St.Patty's, I (belatedly) offer a couple of IRA jokes, for
which I will probably be flamed badly. As pre-emptive defence, may I
point out that IT'S JUST A JOKE! Jeez. Why don't we give Ulster back
already?
Paddy and Sean were off on a beautiful sunny afternoon drive to the local
police station, to drop off the weekly bomb. As usual, Paddy was driving,
and Sean sat next to him with the bomb on his lap. Suddenly, Paddy
realized that something was wrong. Sean's face slowly turned ashen grey,
and a look of horror came over him. "Sean, Sean! Speak to me sun. Wha's
the madder?"
"Well Paddy, hav yer ever thought wha' we'd do if tha bomb wen' off here
in the car?"
"Oh to be shure don' worry. We can awl-ways make another one."
As misfortune would have it, that day there was in fact a mishap, and
the bomb went off, ejecting our two heros from the car and landing them
in a nearby field. Paddy was lying stunned for a while, unable to see
his friend. "Sean, Sean! Speak to me! Are yer alright lad?"
"Oh Paddy, Oy tink Oy've lost me legs."
"Never you moind lad. Oy can see 'em over here."
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.Q A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Nov 88
-- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analysis --
Element: Computerscientistium
Symbol: Cs
Discoverer: Disputed. Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer,
but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by
Charles Babbage.
Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see
below).
Occurrence: Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as
extraction techniques are improved by Universities.
Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous
deposits of money.
Cost: The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather
expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower.
Properties:
1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under
pressure. However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to
reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium
to remain useful.
2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and
generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to
proceed.
3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the
substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium,
etc. These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely
difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium.
4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around
whiteboards. These devices seem to act as a buffer when
Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb
much of the energy.
Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised
to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance
is held. This will help to keep it stable.
5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg
Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks. This behaviour
has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should
take appropriate precautions just in case.
6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often
observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without
producing anything.
7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause
practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly.
It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium
(especially the isotope Auditorium)
Uses:
Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway.
However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large
quantities of money (eg commercial games writers). However, it seems that
Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where
it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much.
From: Sim Webster
Subject: Humor: Knowledge pills
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge
in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what
kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a
pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows
it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,"
replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge
about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the
counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard
to swallow."
From: JOHN STONE
Subject: sexual/language
A lady goes to the grocery store and gets turned on by the
Bag Boy. She asks him to carry her groceries to her car. On
the way to the car she rubs up against him and says," You
know, I've got an itchy pussy?"
The bag boy answers," Sorry maam, but you'll have to point
it out. All those Japanese cars look alike to me!!"
From: "Mr. Pulaski"
Subject: Hunting Joke (Long but Funny)
THE DEER HUNT
SATURDAY
1:00 am Alarm Clock rings
2:00 am Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am Throw everything except kitchen sink into Pickup
3:00 am Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am Drive back home to pick up gun
3:30 am Drive like hell to get to woods before daylight
4:00 am Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:30 am Head for woods
6:05 am See eight deer
6:06 am Take aim and squeeze trigger
6:07 am Click!!!
6:08 am Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
8:00 am Head back to camp
9:00 am Still looking for camp
10:00 am Realize you don't know where camp is
NOON Fire gun for help- eat wild berries
12:15 pm Run out of bullets - eight deer come back
12:20 pm Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm Realize you ate poisonous berries
12:45 pm Rescued
12:55 pm Rushed to the hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm Load gun- leave camp again
5:00 pm Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm Arrive at camp- See deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm Load gun
6:02 pm Fire gun
6:03 pm One dead pickup
6:05 pm Hunting partners arrive in camp, dragging deers
6:06 pm Repress desire to shoot hunting partners
6:07 pm Fall into fire
6:10 pm Change clothes, throw burned ones in fire
6:15 pm Take pickup, leave hunting partners and their deer at camp
6:25 pm Pickup boils over- hole shot in block
6:26 pm Start walking
6:30 pm Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:45 pm Meet bear
6:36 pm Take aim
6:37 pm Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud
6:38 pm Mess pants
6:40 pm Climb tree
9:00 pm Bear leaves. Wrap %^&*(***% gun around tree
MIDNIGHT Home at last!!!!
SUNDAY Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting
license into small pieces, place in envelope and mail
it to the game department with detailed instruction on
where to put it!!!!
From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now."
Subject: How your university can assign grades.....
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University (Name is classified) grade their final exams:
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELIGION:
- Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.
( I wish I was here)
From: LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898
Subject: Kids in church (cute)
Our pastor loves to use inscence at mass. One
Sunday, after using quite a bit of it, a young
child looked up and saw all the smoke rising
up off it. I a church voice only a child can
have we all heard, "Oh Oh, God's smoke detector
will be going off pretty soon."
The pastor has let up a bit on the inscence these
days.
From: John Marra Naturalized Yooper
Subject: Best Pickup Lines
TOP TEN PICKUP LINES
--------------------
1. Are you tired? You should be, you've been running through my mind
all day.
2. "Want to have breakfast?" Sure. "Well then, should I call you or
nudge you?"
3. Do your feet hurt?
Because it looks like you just fell down from heaven.
4. Is your daddy a thief?
Because someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your
eyes.
5. "Hey I like you outfit, but it will look better crumpled
up on my floor in the morning"
6. Hey, I here there is a Toga Party tonight.
Hey baby, want to get into my sheet????
7. "Hey, my name is _____, you should remember that because you'll be
screaming it later.
8. It must be cold where you're standing but it's 98.6 right over here.
9. "Is that a mirror in your pocket because I'm sure that I see myself
in your pants"
10. I wish that I could rearrange the alphabet so that I
could be next to you.
Date: Wed, 23 Mar 1994 14:04:06 -0500
From: Terrence Raymond Strohecker
Subject: Top 10 Aphorisms
1. In any given set of circumstances, the proper course of action is
determined by subsequent events.
2. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
3. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingen
ious.
4. If a job is not worth doing, it is not worth doing right.
5. Urgency varies inversely with importance
6. No real problem has a solution.
7. When there is no solution, there is no problem.
8. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
9. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got
it made.
10. It is amazing how long it takes to complete something you are not
working on.
Date: Wed, 23 Mar 1994 15:01:40 -0500
From: "SOMEONE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT HAS STOLEN MY IDEAS..."
Subject: Flood story (possibly offensive to religious)
There's was a horrendous storm which caused massive flooding
for miles around this village. The flooding continued for at least
a week. Now there was this one resident who was an extremely
religious elderly man.
On the second day of flooding, the National Guard evacuated the
entire village, but the man refused to go. "This is my home," he
said "and I am staying. I have put my faith in God to protect me
and keep me from harm."
On the third day, the flood was about six feet deep, and the man
took refuge on the roof of his house. A woman in a rowboat came by
to try to rescue the man. He refused to go. "I believe that God
will protect me. I have faith."
On the fourth day, the flood had begun to creep onto the roof.
A Coast Guard boat came by and tried to convince the old man to
come with them. "I'm not leaving," he stated. "This is my home.
God will protect me."
On the fifth day, the old man was standing on the very top of the
roof and the water was up to his knees. A helicopter came to
rescue him with a rope-ladder, but he would not be rescued.
"Leave me be. My God will protect me."
On the sixth day, the old man drowned.
When the old man finally made it through the pearly gates and
was presented before God, he said "God, I've had great faith in you
throughout my life, but I can't help but feel that in my last hours,
when I needed you most, you left me to drown. Why did you leave
me behind that way?"
And God said, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter! What else
do you want?!?"
Date: Thu, 24 Mar 1994 15:33:31 CST
From: "McGrath, Lisa"
Subject: Rated PG13 - Sexually suggestive
Marvin Takes up Golf
My wife said to me "Marvin, it is about time that you learned golf -
you know golf - that's the game where you chase a ball over the
country when you are too old to chase women."
So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said "Sure, you've got balls, don't you?" I said "Yes, sometimes
on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find." "Bring them to the
clubhouse tomorrow," he said, "and we'll tee off." "What's tee off?"
I asked. He said "That's a golf term and we have to tee off in front
of the clubhouse." "Not for me" I said, "you can tee off there if you
want to, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere." "No, no," he
said "a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger."
Yeah, I've got one of those. "Well", he said, "You stick it in the
ground and put your ball on top of it." I asked "Do you play golf
sitting down? I always thought that you stood up and walked around."
"You do," he said, "you're standing when you put your ball on the
tee."
He said "You hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar."
I said "I could well imagine." Then he said "And when your on the
green - ". "What's the green?" I asked. "That's where the hole is"
he said. "Sure you are not color blind?" I asked. "No. Then take
your putter - ". "What's the putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest
club made" he said. That's what I've got, a putter. "And with it,"
he said, "you put your ball in the hole." I corrected "You mean the
putter?" He said "The ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball
and the putter too." Well I've seen holes big enough for a horse and
wagon. Then he said "After you make the first hole, you go to the
next seventeen."
He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell. "You
mean," he said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?" "Hell no,
it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, besides how do I know when
I'm in the eighteenth hole?" He said "Then the flag will go up."
That would be just my luck.
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 1994 14:07:00 -0500
From: "Amy L. Ward"
Subject: Computer sayings
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
/Earth is 98% full... please delete anyone you can.
1 bull, 3 cows.
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg
A list is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Don Knuth
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
All computers run at the same speed... with the power off.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Another megabytes the dust.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. -- Ted Nelson
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Kulawiec
APL is a write-only language. -- Roy Keir
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. -- Tom Lehrer
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein
Brain fried -- core dumped.
Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
Disc space -- the final frontier!
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
E Pluribus UNIX.
Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
fortune: No such file or directory
Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
God is real, unless declared integer.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
I am a computer -- dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
I am the computer your mother warned you about.
I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
I smell a wumpus.
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. -- Brian Reid
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Last one out, turn off the computer!
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday.
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
logout
Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R. S. Barton
Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater.
Never trust a computer you can't lift. -- Stan Masor
Nice computers don't go down.
No line available at 300 baud.
No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
Old mail has arrived.
Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
On a clear disk you can seek forever. -- Denning
One if by LAN, two if by C. -- Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski
One man's constant is another man's variable. -- Perlis
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. -- Jon Bentley
Portable: Survives system reboot.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an unnatural act.
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
Protect your software at all costs -- all else is meat.
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
Real programs don't eat cache.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round.
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. -- Chuck Bradshaw
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.
Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. -- Ken Batcher
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. -- R. S. Barton
That does not compute.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.
The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.
The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.
The steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
There must be more to life than compile-and-go.
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88.
This screen intentionally left blank.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. -- Robert Heller
Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Variables won't; constants aren't. -- Osborn
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?".
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't make a program without broken egos.
You depend too much on computers for information.
You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you will need that version.
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have junk mail.
You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
You might have mail.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
Your fault -- core dumped.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
Date: Tue, 29 Mar 1994 14:01:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
Subject: Extracts from the press
I discovered a new paper recently called "Europa Times" which claims to be
Europe's largest ciculation English Language newspaper. The main stories are
not too good but the paper does contain dozens of newsnips called "Sidelines":
Dorset, England - villagers in a quiet Dorset hamlet are fighting an attempt by
their local Council to change the name of where they live. The Council wish to
take this measure because souvenir hunters have been stealing all of the
signposts. Residents are happy with the name and do not want 'Shitterton' to be
re-named 'Sitterton'. "We want them to shit on this 'deshishion' for a while",
said a council member.
Ohio, USA - gynaecologist Dr Dudley Chapman has declared that women can live
longer by having lots of orgasms. Apparently, orgasms increase cells in the
immune system that destroy foreign bodies. Other doctors who swear by this too
are prescribing orgasms for illnesses such as backache, period-pains amd
arthritis. Political commentators doubt whether the orgasms will be available
on the national health service.
Milton Keynes, England - a prisoner at Woodhill prison in Milton Keynes faces
disciplinary action after taking an officer hostage and presenting the prison's
authorities with a list of demands. He insisted that the following list of
demands be met or the officer would suffer: an inflatable doll, a helicopter
and a cup of tea.
York, England - a man who threatened to "waste" police officers with a shotgun
during a one-hour siege was found to be armed only with a toothbrush. 37-year
old Ian Aitken claimed that police "overreacted" to a domestic disturbance when
they surrounded his house. "I was cleaning my teeth at the time" said Aitken,
"the only thing I was armed with was a toothbrush". Police eventually stormed
the house, after being held at bay by what a York prosecuting counsel described
as "bloodcurdling threats".
Derby, England - unemployed Howard Tyler has been reprimanded for brandishing
an electric hairdryer while impersonating a policeman. Mr Tyler was "angy with
motorists driving at eighty past his house", said Ilkeston police, and was
using the dryer as an imitation radar-gun to record vehicle speed. "You don't
think of a hairdryer as a dangerous weapon, but the way he used it, it could
have caused serious injury", said police. "If a man isnn't free to use his own
domestic appliances in the open air", replied Tyler, "then I call it fascism".
Date: Sat, 19 Mar 1994 09:03:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
Subject: HAZARDOUS MATERIALS II - CLEAN
ELEMENT: Man
SYMBOL: EGO
ATOMIC MASS: Most think they are 150lbs but actually vary from 98
to 650 lbs.
FOUND: In large quantities around alcohol outlets.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Made of much denser material than WO2, especially between the
ears.
2. Black lump in centre-left of chest is the hardest material
yet discovered.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Turns a bright shade of crimson when asked to describe
feelings.
2. Froths violently when placed in view of sports events.
COMMON USES:
1. Useful for unskilled labour, such as changing light bulbs,
plugs.
2. Used as bed warmer by WO2.
TESTS:
1. Becomes completely inert when faced with domestic chores.
2. Dissolves into tears (H2O) when their teams loses.
3. When placed near WO2 in a bikini, middle portion of EGO is
sucked in and upper portion thrust out.
HAZARDS:
1. Stupid.
2. Doesn't know it.
Date: Sat, 19 Mar 1994 15:03:49 CST
From: David Christian
Subject: Farmer joke, offensive to those who like good humor
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Damn, I lost my tractor!
Date: Fri, 25 Mar 1994 12:47:36 EST
From: JOHN STONE
Subject: definition-clean
DEFINITION
COMMITTEE : The unwilling selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Date: Fri, 25 Mar 1994 14:04:22 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE
Subject: More On Committees (subversive)
>From THE BOOK OF LAWS by Harold Faber
New York: Times Books, 1979
DILWETHER'S LAW OF DELAY
When people have a job to do, particularly a vital but difficult one,
they will invariably put it off until the last possible moment,
and most of them will put it off even longer. --Gordon Becker
ISSAWI'S FIRST LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS
Comitas comitatum, omnia comitas.
ISSAWI'S SECOND LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS
The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you
are to be pressured to do so. --CHARLES ISSAWI
A THIRD LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS
The amount of useful accomplishment, U, achieved by people working
on a committee is approximated by U=n/2n-1. Thus, if one or two
people produce a unit of useful work, three will produce three-
quarters of a unit, four one-half of a unit and so forth.
--HARMON H. GOLDSTONE
(REDACTOR'S NOTE: The "and so forth" in the above is misleading as the
function only asmptotically approaches 1/2 as n increases to infinity. The
function actually predicts that a committee of 100 will produce
approximately 50.25% of the useful accomplishment of a committee of
one.)
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 1994 16:23:00 PST
From: "Wayland Wasserman (temp)"
Subject: FW: Avoiding a radar trap
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders
along a well traveled stretch of highway. The location, at a bend in
the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic
while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by. He had
used this location successfully a number of times, especially on
holidays, and decided to use it again one Labor Day weekend.
The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling
down to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or so
the officer hadn't seen anybody speeding. In fact most of the cars that
passed him were travelling exactly at the speed limit, and some of the
passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him. He
couldn't believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well
concealed.
Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he
was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went
investigate. He got out of his car and walked up the road a short
distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found
the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road
with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". A little
more investigative work led the officer to the boys accomplice, another
boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS"
and a bucket at his feet full of change.
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.S A collection of clean humor gathered on: 21 Nov 88
"Give me a place to sit, and I'll watch."
-- friend of Archimedes
"Great leaders are rare, so I'm following myself."
Guy walks into a restaurant. Orders eggs. The waitress asks "How would you
like those eggs cooked?" The guy says "Hey, that would be great."
"No job too big; no fee too big!" --Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
Difference between US & UK...
UK - 100 miles is a long distance.
US - 100 years is a long time.
Date: Thu, 31 Mar 1994 16:10:56 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Humor about loaning money from early almanacs
An usurer was earnestly intreating a preacher strongly to censure
usury. The preacher, thinking the usurer was willing to be converted:
"Ah! sir," said he, "I perceive in you the happy effects of the grace
of God."
"You do not understand me," said the usurer. "There are so many
usurers in the town, that I can get nothing; if by your preachings you
could make them leave off the trade, I should have alone all the
customers." (Father Abraham's Almanack for 1779)
Date: Thu, 31 Mar 1994 19:39:49 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Humor: The elephant and the naked man
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How the hell can you breathe with that little thing.
Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 17:29:04 -0500
From: Matt Loach
Subject: A mathematician, a chemist, and an engineer....
A mathematician, a chemist, and an engineer were attending a Science &
Technology Convention. One night, a fire broke out in their hotel. The
engineer immediately grabbed a fire extinguisher, cleared a path through
the flames, and safely escaped from the burning building.
The chemist picked up an extinguisher, read the contents label, and
proceeded to figure out the exact amount of chemical that was needed to
put out the blaze.
The Mathematician sat up in his bed, saw the fire, saw an extinguisher;
he thought for a moment, and stated, "A solution is possible!"; he then laid
down, and went back to sleep.
Date: Sat, 2 Apr 1994 00:00:04 -0500
From: Paul Robinson
Subject: Care of Floppy disks
PROPER CARE OF FLOPPIES
1 Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk
and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up
and stored in pencil holders.
2 Disketts should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal
particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the
disk. Any stubborn metallic shaving can be removed with scouring powder and
soap. When waxing the diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will
allow the disk to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3 Do not fold diskette unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big"
diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4 Diskette cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine.
If you need to back up your data, simply insert two diskettes into the
drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both
diskettes.
5 Never insert a diskette into a drive upside down. The data can fall off
the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
6 Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red
light is flashing. Doing so could result in smearing or possibly
unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is
known as a "hung" or hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will
probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the
slot.
7 If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the
disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack
the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to
cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
8 Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the
dishette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the
disk.
9 Diskette may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they
are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskette dry before
using.
10 Never use scissors or glue to manual edit documents. The data stored
is much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from
some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades
and scotch tape may be used provided the user is equipped with an electron
microscope.
11 Periodically spray diskette with insecticide to prevent viruses from
spreading.
Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 07:06:36 -0400
From: TK Baltimore
Subject: The Bible: offensive to Christians
Date : 3rd May 0023
TO:
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
Judea.
Dear Sirs,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and
publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he
is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published
in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the
highest authority.
However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life
and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
1. That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you
propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.
2. That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you
utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ realises that this is
entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating
the credibility of the average religious zealot.
3. That all references to the incident involving the members of
members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be
exised forthwith.
4. That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual
circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An
accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical
impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large
cast.
5. That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My
dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love, squiggles.'
6. That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case,
that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should
on no account be discussed.
7. And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be removed
or at least modified.
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why
you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he
doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your
previous books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter -
Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in
the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer
of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book.
In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his
promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'.
Yours sincerely.
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 09:51:03 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Humor--unethical doctor
Patient to doctor: "Kiss me, kiss me!"
"I can't", replies the doctor, "It's unethical".
"Please..." he begs the doctor.
"It's impossible. I've taken the Hippocratic Oath" she says.
"But please...kiss me, even so" he pleads, sweat pouring down his face.
"No, no," the doctor crys, "I shouldn't even be making love to you!"
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 15:11:29 -0500
From: Matt Loach
Subject: scottish-bash
Did you hear about the wonderful practical joke that was played on
the Scottish?
Apparantly, someone gave the kilt-wearing fools a few sets of bagpipes,
and told them that they were musical instruments.
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 15:36:37 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Humor: The death of the farmer's cow and wife
A farmer having settled in a country village on a little farm, gained
the esteem of the whole neighbourhood. The first year was hardly
expired when he lost a very fine cow, which was by much the best of
all his cattle, and he was extremely mortified at it; but this was
nothing to the grief he felt in a short time afterwards, when death
also took away his wife. His neighbours thought they were obliged to
comfort him; "Honest farmer," said one of them, "do not alarm
yourself; the wife you lost was a good one, it is true, but there is
as good to be had. I have three daughters for my part; take your
choice of them." Another offered him a sister, another a niece.--"Lord
have mercy upon us," replied the farmer, "it is better to loose one's
wife than one's cow: My wife is hardly three hours dead, and here are
half a dozen people already offering to supply her place for me; but
when my cow died, the devil a one spake of giving me another." (Beers'
Almanac for 1800)
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 08:57:15 -0400
From: Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest
Subject: Joke for Easter Season
In the mid 1950s Krushchev came to power in the Soviet Union and gave
his famous speech denouncing Stalin and the Stalinist reign of
terror. As a follow-up to this speech, Krushchev wanted to exhume
Stalin and to bury him outside of the Soviet Union. He approached
Eisenhower who was President of the United States. Eisenhower
expressed sympathy with the idea but pointed out that if it ever
became known (as was very likely with the aggressive media in the US)
that he had sanctioned the burial of Stalin in the United States or
US territory, it would be a political disaster for him and for the
Republican party.
So Krushchev went to Anthony Eden, the prime minister of Great
Britain. He got essentially the same answer.
In desperation Krushchev talked to David Ben Gurion, the head of
Israel. The Soviet Union at this time had no diplomatic relations
with Israel. Still Ben Gurion was more encouraging. Israel had a
lot of desert. The Army and the intelligence community could be
counted on to keep a secret. Yes it could be done, but Ben Gurion
noted "Mr. Premier, there is one thing I must warn you about."
Krushchev asked "what?"
To which Ben Gurion replied "My country has the world's highest
resurrection rate."
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 12:27:36 -0500
From: Ryan Hinch
Subject: humor
A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her.
On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good. So, she
decided she was tired of him and got a divorce. A couple days after the
divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: "WANTED.
Husband that won't beat me or kick me. Good sex a must."
A week or so passed and she fianlly gets a knock at the door. She goes to
answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he
wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband.
"Well, you don't have any arms." she notices.
"I can't beat you then, can I?" he replies.
"And you don't have any legs!"
"SO! That only means I can't kick you."
She pauses for a moment and then asks, "Well what about the sex?"
He answers confidently, "I knocked on the door didn't I?"
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 14:59:00 MST
From: D O
Subject: guess what it is
What does Arnold Schwasgennegter (sic) have really long, Madonna doesn't
have, and the Pope has, but he doesn't use it?
Last Name.
Date: Thu, 7 Apr 1994 13:56:11 -0400
From: gwen eckman
Subject: dear abby
Dear Abby,
I have two brothers, one works at IBM, the other was sentenced to death in
the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old,
my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells narcotics.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served
time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl and
want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at IBM.
Sincerely,
Fred
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 94 19:30:05 EDT
From: A Punny Guy
Subject: Problem Solving Flowchart
B E G I N H E R E
+------------------+
|
YES +---------------+ NO
/--------| Does It Work? |--------\
| +---------------+ |
| |
\ / \ /
+-------------+ +----------+
| Don't Mess | YES | Did You | NO
/---| With It | /----------| Mess |------\
| +-------------+ | | With It? | |
| | +----------+ |
| \ / |
| /------------\ |
| | You IDIOT! | \ /
| \------------/ +-------------+
| +--------+ | YES | Will You |
| NO | Does |<---------/ /------------| Pay For It? |
| ----| Anyone | | +-------------+
| | | Know ? |--------------\ | | NO
| | +--------+ YES | | \ /
| | \ / \ / +-----------+
| | /---------------\ YES | Will You |
| | /----->| You Poor Fool |<------| Be Fired? |
| | /---------\ | \---------------/ +-----------+
| -->| Hide It | | | | NO
| \---------/ | \ / |
| | | NO +---------------+ \ /
| | \------| Can You Blame | /----------\
| | | Someone Else? | | Trash It |
| | +---------------+ \----------/
| \-------------\ | YES |
| | | |
| \ / \ / |
| +-----------------------+ |
\---------------------->| N O P R O B L E M !! |<--------/
+-----------------------+
Date: Sat, 9 Apr 1994 10:33:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
Subject: News from the BBC and a blonde joke
After an Easter break I am in my office catching up on the mail - both snail
and e - and listening to the BBC World Service in a futile attempt to drown out
the sound of pile driving nearby (thriving Hong Kong). Anyway I thought that
I'd pass on two reports that the BBC provided in their week's summary of the
press.
In a pub (bar) in England the owner has fitted a see-though cistern on one of
the toilets so that customers can watch the goldfish that he has put inside the
cistern! An attempt to get the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals to
take action has failed. THe owner commented that he didn't think that it did
any harm to the fish as their water was being changed very regularly.
In a Japanese research laboratory where hamsters are used for experiments the
staff all gather together once a week whilst holy men sing mantras for the
souls of those hamsters who have died that week.
OFFENSIVE TO BLONDES
A group of blondes decided to go to London to do some shopping and so they
climbed into a car and set off down the road in the direction of London.
However, after a while they came to a road sign saying
LONDON LEFT
and so they stopped, shrugged their shoulders, turned round and went home.
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 1994 12:19:12 -0500
From: Ryan Hinch
Subject: HUMOR
Carl was becoming more worried with the problem of rising crime, so he
felt he needed to protect him and his wife from burglary. He decided he
was going to buy a watch dog, and he set off for the pet store.
When he gets to the store, he looks around but can't find a dog that is
big enough or loud enough to scare away a flea, much less an intruder. So, he
starts to leave when he hears, "Aawk! Come here! Aawk! Come here!" He turns
around and a parrot is motioning to him with its wing. Carl isn't sure if
he is seeing things so he rubs his eyes. The parrot is still waiving to
him so he goes over.
The parrot says to Carl, "Aawk, can't find a dog?"
"Well, no" replies Carl. "Not the kind I want. I need a watch dog."
"Aawk! Then buy me. I'm better than a dog. Aawk."
"How's that?" asks Carl.
"Aawk! Well, I'm smarter than a dog. If someone breaks in, I can tell you
exactly what they look like and what they took. Aawk!"
Carl thinks for a minute and then finally agrees. "Aawk! Just one thing.
I don't have any legs."
"How are you sitting on that perch then?"
"Aawk! I just wrap my penis around it. Mine's pretty long. Aawk!"
Carl doesn't see any problems so he buys the bird, a cage and takes it home.
The next day after work when Carl gets home, he asks the bird if anything
happened. "Aawk! Your wife came home for lunch today."
"So. That's no big deal. She usually does that."
"Aawk! and Bob, your next door neighbor came over."
"That's no big deal either. We are all like family in this neighborhood."
"Aawk! They went into the living room and sat on the sofa."
"Yeah. So what's the big deal?"
"Aawk! They started kissing."
"They did?! What happened next. Tell me!"
"Aawk! He took her shirt off and began rubbing on her breasts."
"What!? Tell me more!"
"Aawk! He then unzipped her pants and took them off."
"Oh, I'm pissed now!! Tell me more! What happened next?"
"Aawk! I don't know! I don't know!"
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Aawk! My dick got hard and I fell off the perch! Aawk!"
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 1994 12:27:03 EST
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Almanac humor: Living long enough
A courtier being very sick and much indebted, told his confessor that
the only favor he had to ask of God was to prolong his life till he
could pay all his debts. "That is a good motive," replied the
confessor, "and it is to be hoped that God will hear your prayer."
"If God would do me that favor," said the sick man, in turning himself
towards one of his friends, "I should be very certain never to die."
(Father Abraham's Almanack for 1779)
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 1994 13:47:22 EDT
From: Whitmark Christop CDT
Subject: Rejected posting to HUMOR@UGA
There was four Army Rangers paddeling a small raft down a stream. They
were on a very important mission. Well, God decided to do a lil' experiment on
these dedicated individuals. He took out half of their brains. Well, this
slowed them down a bit, but they still drove on wanting to complete the
mission. So, God took another half, leaving them with a quarter of a brain
each. This really slowed them down, but did not stop them. So, God, still not
content, removed the rest of the brain. All four Rangers stood up and started
singing, "From the Halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Galilee..." (The Song
of the Marines).
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 1994 06:37:45 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 2.M
January
3 -- Oral Roberts tells his followers that unless they send him $4.5
million by the end of the month, God will turn him into a hypocritical
money-grubbing slimebag.
5 -- In response to growing pressure from the United States, the
government of Colombia vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if
necessary, remove them from the cabinet.
21 -- The Audi Corporation is forced to recall 250,000 cars after
repeated incidents wherein parked Audis, apparently acting on their own,
used their mobile phones to purchase stocks on margin.
28 -- In the Middle East, Syria has its name legally changed to
"Jordan." A welcome calm settles over Beirut as the six remaining
civilians are taken hostage.
February
3 -- In the ongoing war against the federal budget deficit, Congress
gives itself a pay raise.
17 -- In Colombia, police arrest Carlos Lehder for jaywalking and
discover, during a routine search, that his pockets contain 1,265,000
pounds of cocaine. Lehder claims to have "no idea" how it got there.
19 -- Mario Cuomo announces that he doesn't want to be president and
immediately becomes the Democratic front-runner.
23 -- Panic grips the nation as a terrorist group seizes 150,000 new,
improved W-4 forms and threatens to send them to randomly selected
Americans through the mail.
March
21 -The IRS releases an even newer, simpler W-4 form in response to
complaints from a number of taxpayers, all of whom will be audited for
the rest of their lives.
27 -- In what is hailed as a major arms-race breakthrough, U.S. and
Soviet arms negotiators in Geneva agree to wear matching outfits.
April
3 -- In the Persian Gulf, Iranians attack the Islip garbage barge, but
are driven off by courageous flies.
13 -- True Anecdote: In National League baseball action, the Atlanta
Braves' Dion James hits a ball that would have been caught easily,
except that in midair it strikes and kills a dove.
14 -- In Colorado, Gary Hart declares his candidacy for the presidential
nomination, making the official announcement while standing in front of
a dramatic backdrop of soaring mountains, towering pine trees, and four
Miami Herald reporters disguised as rhododendrons.
22 -- Crack U.S. counter-intelligence agents in Moscow begin to suspect
that the new U.S. Embassy in Moscow, constructed by Soviet labor, might
be bugged, when one of them sneezes in the ambassador's office and six
chairs say, "Gesundheit."
26 -- Jack Kemp announces that he is running for president, pledging
that, if elected, he will deepen his voice.
30 -- Following a lengthy and dramatic trial, a confused New Jersey jury
awards custody of a 3-month-old boy to a 6-week-old girl.
May
3 -- Like a raging unquenchable forest fire, the Gary Hart story sweeps
across the nation, as voters are consumed by a burning need to know more
about the candidate's monetary views. Rumors abound that Hart, at
various times in his career, may also have had views on a number of
other issues.
4 -- The Hart story becomes so hot that issue-oriented Phil Donahue
devotes a show to it, canceling the regular weekly appearance of the
sex-change lesbian surrogate-mother nude-dancer ex-priests.
5 -- The Iran-Contra hearings begin with Sen. Daniel Inouye doing his
hilarious two-hour impersonation of a 78 r.p.m. record being played at
33 r.p.m.
6 -- An angry Gary Hart is forced to withdraw from the race after word
leaks out that The Washington Post has obtained documented evidence that
he once proposed tying the prime rate to the Index of Leading Economic
Indicators.
12 -- U.S. drug agents become concerned when aerial photographs reveal
that several dozen Bahamian "islands" are in fact enormous piles of some
kind of white powdery substance.
17 -- The U.S. Navy frigate Stark is attacked by an Iraqi jet, which,
under our extremely clear Mideast policy, causes us to prepare for
violent confrontation with Iran.
29 -- Nineteen-year-old German Mathias Rust, flying a single-engined
Cessna airplane, manages to cross 400 miles of Soviet airspace to reach
Red Square in Moscow, where he narrowly avoids colliding with a Delta
Air Lines flight en route from Pittsburgh to Cleveland.
30 -- Caspar Weinberger orders 5,000 single-engine Cessna airplanes.
June
2 -- True Item: In the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings, the committee
learns that a country named "Brunei" contributed $10 million to help the
Contras, except Fawn Hall or somebody typed a wrong number, so the money
ended up in the Swiss bank account of a total stranger. This helps
explain why, despite all the elaborate assistance efforts with secret
codes and passwords and everything, the only actual aid ever received by
the Contras was a six-month trial subscription to Guns and Ammo.
18 -- A survey of Florida residents reveals that their number one
concern about the state is that "not enough people are walking around
with guns." Alarmed, the state Legislature passes a law under which all
citizens who are not actually on Death Row will be REQUIRED to carry
revolvers.
July
7 -- The central figure in the Iran-Contra hearings, Lt. Col. Oliver
North, becomes an instant national folk hero when, with his eyes
glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, he courageously admits,
before a worldwide television audience, that he is very patriotic.
11 -- The Iran-Contra hearings reach their dramatic peak when Lt. Col.
North, his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, makes a
sweeping patriotic hand gesture and knocks over his bottle of Revlon Eye
Glistener.
15 -- The giant Citicorp bank announces that it has agreed to forgive
Mexico's $56.3 billion debt in exchange for 357.9 gazillion chickens.
August
3 -- Political activist Donna Rice, in her continuing effort to avoid
publicity, sells her story to ABC television.
6 -- As "Ollie-mania" continues to sweep the country, one of the most
popular video-arcade games in the country is a new one called -- this is
true -- "Contra." The way it works is, there are are two soldiers on
the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them.
10 -- The U.S. space probe Meanderer II, after a journey of six years
and many millions of miles, passes within 400 miles of the surface of
Neptune, sending back dramatic color photographs of a Delta Air Lines
jet.
22 -- Rumors circulate that Gary Hart will re-enter the presidential
race. Johnny Carson places his writers on Full Red Alert.
25 -- In what is hailed as a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court decides,
by a 7-2 vote, that you cannot count three oranges as one item in the
Express Checkout Lane "unless they are all in the same package."
27 -- Georgia Sen. Sam Nunn announces that he doesn't want to be
president. Cuomo challenges him to a debate.
28 -- In the Persian Gulf, tensions mount as a U.S. gunboat engages in a
scuffle with actor Sean Penn.
September
2 -- In Washington, reporters notice that at some point -- possibly
during a speech by Sen. Inouye, when everybody was asleep -- the ongoing
Iran-Contra hearings turned into the ongoing confirmation hearings for
Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork.
8 -- Researcher Shere Hite releases her scientific new book, "Men Are
Scum."
12 -- In the ongoing hearings, Sen. Joseph Biden pledges to consider the
Bork nomination "with total objectivity," adding: "You have that on my
honor not only as a Senator, but also as the Prince of Wales."
17 -- The market-savvy McDonald's corporation, capitalizing on the
popularity of the movie "Fatal Attraction," introduces a new menu item,
Boiled McRabbits.
21 -- Professional football players go on strike, demanding the right to
"have normal necks." Negotiations begin under the guidance of mediator
Mario Cuomo.
28 -- Tensions ease in the Persian Gulf as a Delta Air Lines flight, en
route from Boston to Newark, successfully lands on the U.S. carrier
Avocado.
October
3 -- Sen. Joseph Biden is forced to withdraw from the Democratic
presidential race when it is learned that he is in fact an elderly
Norwegian woman. On the Republican side, the spectacularly Rev. Pat
Robertson announces his candidacy for president, buoyed by strong
popularity among humor columnists.
8 -- Three hundred prominent law professors sign a petition stating that
Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has "a weenie beard."
15 -- In an effort to establish that she is not a bimbo, Jessica Hahn
appears nude in Playboy magazine. We are pretty sure we must have made
this item up.
25 -- The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that the federal
speed limit should be raised on highways going through boring or ugly
areas, so drivers can get through them quicker. "In Indiana, for
instance," the committee says, "it should be 135 miles per hour."
November
1 -- In the ongoing heroic effort to trim the federal budget deficit,
House and Senate conferees agree not to order appetizers.
15 -- In their continuing heroic deficit-reduction efforts, House and
Senate conferees agree to continue working right through their 2:30
racquetball appointment.
22 -- In ceremonies marking his retirement as secretary of defense,
Caspar Weinberger is presented with a pen-and-pencil set, built by the
General Dynamics Corp. for $352.4 million.
29 -- The world financial community's faith in the U.S. economy is
restored as heroic House and Senate conferees hammer out a breakthrough
compromise deficit-reduction measure under which $417.65 will be slashed
from the $13.2 million pastry budget of the Federal Bureau of Putting Up
Road Signs With Kilometers On Them.
December
2 -- In a widely hailed legal decision, the judge in the bitter divorce
dispute between Joan Collins and Peter Holm orders them both shot.
Mikhail Gorbachev appears on "Jeopardy."
5 -- In a cost-cutting move, financially troubled Eastern Airlines
announces that its domestic flights will operate without engines. "Most
of them never take off anyway," explains a spokesman.
8 -- In Washington, the long-awaited U.S.-Soviet summit meeting gets off
to an uncertain start as President Reagan attempts to nominate Soviet
Premier Mikhail Gorbachev to the Supreme Court.
9 -- The summit concludes on a triumphant note as, in the culmination of
10 years of negotiations between the superpowers, Gorbachev and New York
Gov. Mario Cuomo sign a historic agreement under which both sides will
move all of their mid- and short-range long-term strategic tactical
nuclear weapons 150 feet to the left.
15 -- Under intense pressure from the U.S. to reduce the trade deficit,
Japanese auto manufacturers agree to give their cars really ugly names.
18 -- Playboy magazine offers Tammy Faye Bakker a record $1.5 million if
she will promise never, ever to pose nude.
27 -- Oscar C. Klaxton, an employee of the U.S. Department for Making
Everybody Nervous, wins a $10,000 prize for dreaming up the concept of a
deadly "hole" in an invisible "ozone layer."
Copyright 1987 Knight-Ridder Newspapers
This does not equal Larry's anecdote but it does give you a true
example of the effective deployment of electronic countermeasures
by civilians against obnoxious FM radio reception.
I have a friend, whom I will call Joe, who a few years ago was a
quiet electronics technician of the old school. Although too
young to properly qualify as an old fart, he liked to build things
with vacuum tubes. Joe is also a cellist, and a member of a large
local family. He likes to practice his cello, or play the organ,
for relaxation.
Anyway, at the time of this anecdote, Joe had moved into an
apartment in Oakland, California. He did not play the cello or
organ there, out of respect for his neighbors (nowadays he owns
a house, and besides, his neighbors like the music). However, in
the apartment building were some Very Noisy People. They would
play FM stations at all hours, loud. They acknowledged but did
not act on requests to moderate the volume. Now hereabouts this
sort of behavior is illegal -- the police call it a 647 violation,
Disturbing The Peace, so Joe could easily have complained to the
police. But his style was much quieter, and subtler, than that.
He built an FM jammer, which came in later years to be passed around
a lot and dubbed "the family FM jammer." (This was very much in
character -- Joe was always building clever gadgets to fill a need.
The family is very handy with things like that, making do -- Joe's
parents grew up, of course, in the Depression.) It was a beautiful
piece of work: built on a block of wood, with open-air coils,
a large glowing VHF tube, and porcelain insulators. It would
have been completely at home in a 1930's sci-fi movie with Bela
Lugosi in a starched white smock that buttoned up on one side.
The jammer used, simply enough, the 60-Hertz power line to
frequency-modulate the carrier. With characteristic attention to
detail, Joe had made sure that the modulation was just enough
to cover the desired channel without spilling over to adjacent
ones. Yes, it was assembled and aligned with all the loving care
of a commercial transmitter expecting outside inspection.
The procedure was simple but delightful. When the Noisy Neighbors
decided to play loud FM, and this got to bothering Joe, he would
warm up the jammer. Because the jammer needed precise tuning, and
also because the problem had now become a sport, Joe worked the
tuning dial with the fingers of a safecracker, and all the
patience in the world -- I like to think, though I don't really
know, that he had a cigar and a glass of port, perhaps Graham's
Malvedos 1955.
Presently a horrific buzz would replace the (inevitably pounding)
dance beat audible through the wall, provoking vaguely audible
expletives of discontent. Someone would change the station, and the
music would return. It didn't bother Joe; he was patient, and he
was sure of his quarry. Eventually he would find the new station
and they would change it again. Sooner or later there were
expletives of resignation and the receiver was turned off. To his
fortune, they rarely played anything but FM (AM, of course, would
have been even more manageable, but records would have required
a radically different approach).
All of this had the effect of translating a nuisance into good
clean sport, at least for a patient cellist like Joe.
Naturally, as a law-abiding citizen, not to mention a commercial
licensiate of the FCC and bound by the statutes of the Communications
Act of 1934 as amended, I would have been horrified and obliged to
report this behavior had I not learned of it well after the fact.
----------------------------------------------------
I once had the opportunity to engage in a little ECM against TV and
will relate it here.
Many years (at least 2*statute¬of¬limitations) I was living
in the barracks at a Navy Air base in California. The folks in the
"cube" next door had a habit of watching TV late at night with
the TV turned up loud. As a lowly E3, I was unable to get them to
turn it down, so decided to fix it with ECM.
A one transistor blocking oscillator was constructed, which
had the following characteristics:
3 Pulses per Second
Each pulse about 5 Watts of power for about 10 msec
Each pulse swept from about 10 to 21 Mhz, with a very
rich harmonic spectrum, thus blanketing the VHF TV
specturm, and the TV IF.
This device was placed a few feet from the offending television
set, and resulted in a total disruption of vertical sync. However, much
to my annoyance, the cretins next door assumed that the TV was just
a little sick, and kept on watching it!
Feeling frustated, and needing to catch some Z's,
I then modified the oscillator to make it continuous
duty and about 500 mW of power. Sneaking outside, I placed it under
the window where the TV set lived, and then adjusted the frequency
until the TV went dark and the sound vanished. Then I snuck back
into bed.
The noise, of course, was gone. The neighbors, however,
suspected something, but when they found me in bed, they figured
that it couldn't possibly be me causing the problem (again, not
too bright, these folks). So... they trashed the TV. End of problem.
However, not end of story...
The barracks was located under the HF antennas of the base
communications station. Next morning, the barracks was surrounded by
armed guards, and everybody was made to leave (and searched by
an unfriendly looking ONI (office of Naval Intelligence (sic))
agent. Remembering the antennas, some unpleasant fantasies regarding
COMSEC, Court Martials, Interfering with military radio charges, etc,
occurred to me.
Fortunately, (those being Vietnam Days) it was a dope
bust, and my oscillator wasn't found.
----------------------------------------------------
On the subject of revenge on noisy neighbors:
I have one friend, whose two great passions (besides his wife) are music
and medicine. He was a professional rocker for a few years, and is now a
registered nurse, and is quite knowledgable about both subjects.
One semester, in college, he had the misfortune to be next door to the
party room for the dorm. After a month or two of trying to get them to
quiet down via conventional means, he decided on a drastic plan of action.
He, of course, had a top-notch music system, with excellent speakers. He
also knew that there are certain tones that affect the human nervous system
in nasty, awful ways.
One morning, while his neighbors were sleeping off a particularly noisy
party, he hooked up the speakers to a good tone generator, pointed them
at the wall, and left for class. He came back an few hours later to find
the partiers being violently ill. Nothing permanent, just *very* unpleasant.
This happened one or two more times, and the noise problem slowly went
away. Can you say Pavlovian conditioning, boys and girls?
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 1994 10:03:10 -0600
From: Lawrence Fatteicher
Subject: Jokingly ....
Moose Hunting
Mike and Metro are going on a fly in hunting trip. They are talking to a
pilot who will be flying them in. The pilot tells them he can do the job but
he can only fly back one moose back.
So they do the fly in thing. The pilot drops them off and says he'll be back
in a week. And that they can only bring back one moose. A week goes by and
the pilot flies back to pick up Mike and Metro. He is flying over the pickup
spot and his looking down for at guys. They are waving at him but he notices
that besides the gear and two guys are two moose instead of one.
The pilot is furious. He lands the plane and is giving the two hunters a
blast. The pilot says, "I told you I could only bring back one moose, why
did you shot a second??". Metro then looks at the pilot and says "Well, I
don't know what kind of pilot you are. Last year we shoot two moose. That
pilot took all our stuff and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours.
The pilot thinks for and minute and not to be out done decides to take the two
moose as well. Soooo, they load up the equipment, two moose, two hunters and
are set to take off. The pilot guns the engine of the plane and starts take
off. The plane is shaking and quaking as the pilot tries desperately to get
the plane off the ground. Slowly but surely the plane starts to lift off the
ground. The trees at the end of the clearing and getting larger and larger.
The pilot frantically pushes the plane engine to the max. The tops of the the
trees are very close now. When is appears that they might get above the
trees they happen to hit the top of a taller tree and come crashing down into
the foliage.
Metro is the first to come too after the crash. He calls "Mike?? MIKE!! are
you okay??" Mike slowly sits up, shakes his head and says " Yah, I think so."
Metro then looks around and says "You know I think we got a hundred yards
further than last year."
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 1994 13:21:37 EST
From: Kevin Cain
Subject: Un-Authorized reprint of a news article (duh!) - clean
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND (From AP or UPI wires ?, but it doesn't say)
A couple in a Cessna 150 who decided to join the Mile High Club
forced air traffic controllers and aircraft near Edinburgh Airport
to communicate on an emergency radio channel. Somehow the plane's
microphone jammed open, broadcasting the couple's initiation into
the club. This kept the regular ground-to-air frequency busy for
some 50 minutes. Upon landing, the pilot was reprimanded for
blocking communications, but the traffic control manager conceded,
"Apart from one aspect of his airmanship - the failure to check in
on a regular basis - the was no breach of aviation rules.
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 1994 21:07:52 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Humor: Advice about migranes
A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migrane headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migranes and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc. "I have migranes, too...and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have
a migrane, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while.
Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand...especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I
get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex...and almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me
in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had
migranes for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever
helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 02:00:34 -0400
From: TK Baltimore
Subject: Humor: Health Care (risque)
A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office. "Will you watch us have
sexual intercourse?" the man asked. The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When they had finished he said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you
have intercourse," and charged them $40. This happened several weeks in a
row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor
and leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "What exactly are you trying to find
out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to
mine. Holiday Inn charges $87. We do it here for $40 and I get $38 back
from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 14:00:55 U
From: "Sander, Neville"
Subject: Take it Away!
For all of you that like chinese puzzles:
Q. Which is the odd number out from 18 23 47 54 and 58?
A. 54 of course, all the others come with rice.
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 14:53:00 CST
From: DANRICH SCOT
Subject: Car Names Explained.
:::::::CARS:::::::
GM- General Maintenance
FORD- Fix Or Repair Daily
FIAT- Fix It Again, Tony!
TOYOTA- Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
BMW Babbling Mechanical Wench
BMW Beastly Monsterous Wonder
BMW Beautiful Masterpeices on Wheels
BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
BMW Big Money Waste
BMW Big Money Works
BMW Blastphemous Motorized Wreck
BMW Born Moderately Wealthy.
BMW Break My Windows
BMW Broken Money Waster
BMW Broken Monsterous Wonder
BMW Brutal Money Waster
BMW Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
BMW Boring Monotonous Wanker
Buick Big Ugly Import Car Killer
Buick Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
Buick Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
Chevrolet Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended
Trips.
Chevy Charged Heavily
Chevy Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
Dodge Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dodge Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
Fiat F**king Italian Attempt (at) Transportation.
Fiat Failure in Automotive Technology
Fiat Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Fiat Fix It Again Tony?
Ford F**ked over rebuilt Dodge
Ford F**ker Only Runs Downhill
Ford F*cked on Race Day
Ford First On Recall Day
Ford First on race day
Ford Fix Or Repair Daily
Ford Found on road dead
Ford Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's
GMC Garage Man's Companion
GMC Generally Mediocre Cars
GMC Get More Chicks
GMC Got More Crap
Mopar Most Often Passed At Races
Mopar Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mopar Mostly Old Paint And Rust
Plymouth Please Let Your Mother Out Under The Hood!
Plymouth P***y Lips In Your MOUTH
SAAB Stupid, Arrogant A***ole Babies
SAAB Such an arrogant bastard!
SAAB Swedish Automobile - Always Broken
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 15:33:14 BST
From: Adam BJ Quantrill
Subject: 4 Condom jokes
This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and
my buddies said you could fix me up for it."
"What do you want?"
"Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..."
"What do you want?"
"I need some protection, alright??!?!"
"What size?"
"Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess."
"That'll be $2.35 including tax."
"Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady
pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping
him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face
the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make
it 100".
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he
has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to
bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man
returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once
more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by
stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.
The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said, "I'm
not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted.
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 19:40:39 -0400
From: Paul Robinson
Subject: From our 'You can't do that!' department...
A Florida Sheriff was told to shut down the lab he was operating to make
Crack Cocaine. The Sheriff stated that the county hadn't siezed any and
thus he was unable to perform sting operations. This explanation, it
said, did not justify the Sheriff in operating a crack cocaine lab to
manufacture the material needed to make the product used in sting arrests.
----------------
A man's attorney was trying to represent his client who was charged with
knowingly mailing obscene material. He asked the prosecutor for the
Justice Department to let him see the material in question. The prosecutor
had a copy of the material made, and mailed it to the attorney.
---
Paul Robinson - Paul@TDR.COM
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
versa.
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 22:39:17 EDT
From: monack@helium.gas.uug.arizona.edu (David N Monack)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books
Subject: Don't post Jane Eyre spoilers!
All these spoilers are p___ing me off. For instance, I was reading
a book called the Gospels (an inferior sequel to an old Hebrew series
called the Torah). I'm up to the part when their crucifying the Jesus
character, and some nut comes up to me and says, "Jesus died and rose
again. Hallelujah!" totally ruining the ending for me.
I found the ending a little disappointing anyway. He comes back to
life? How cheap. It's almost as bad as saying the whole thing was a
dream. I was hoping that that God character would send a few plagues
or turn Pontius Pilate into a pillar of salt or something. That's
exciting. That's drama. The moral is: Don't read sequels. (By the way,
I hear that this Mohammed guy has done a new version of the Bible
series called the Quran. I haven't read it yet, so don't nobody tell
me how it ends.)
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 23:03:50 EDT
From: Dan Hotopp
Subject: Trendy Pastor
A pastor wanted to be "trendy" and "appeal to the youth". So he
decided to preach a sermon which took all of its illustrations from
surf boarding. He spent a week preparing the message, and was pretty
pleased with the results. However, his wife was considerably less
enthusiastic. On Sunday morning she refused to accompany him to church
and said, "Merle, if you're gonna preach about surf boarding, I'm not
gonna sit in the congregation and be embarrassed."
The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his wife was
right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of sex - what was and
was not appropriate behavior for Christians. Not wanting to admit to
his wife that she was right (No husband ever admits his wife was right
if he can help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed sermon.
A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a member
of the congregation. The member commented, "That was a magnificent
sermon that Merle preached last week. I bet he must really be good at
it! " And the pastor's wife replied, "Not really. He's only
tried it twice. The first time he lost his hat and the second time he
got seasick."
Alternative punch lines include: "He only tried it twice, and
both times he fell off." or "He's one of the worst I've ever seen, but
he seems to enjoy it."
Date: Thu, 14 Apr 1994 12:57:16 BST
From: Adam BJ Quantrill
Subject: doctor joke , priest joke
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable
urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know
what's wrong with me?
Doctor: Yes... You're fucking crackers.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and
they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is
going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland
infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on
the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then
operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says,
"Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's
your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son
the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to
tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Date: Thu, 14 Apr 1994 13:42:16 -0500
From: WHAT'S THAT BLUE THING DOING HERE?
Subject: Migrane Headaches
Mr. Walker has had migraine headaches for the past couple of
years off and on. Lately, however, the headaches have gotten
worse and worse.
Finally, he could just not take it anymore. He went to the
doctor to see if there was something, anything he could do. The
doctor gave him a thorough examination and came up with a solution.
The doctor said, "Well, Mr. Walker, there is one known cure for the
type of migrane that you have. I'm sorry, but the cure is for you
to have your penis removed." Mr. Walker just could not believe it.
Well, he flat out refused the treatment. "No way am I having my
manhood taken away over silly headaches." And he went about his life.
The migranes, however, only grew worse. Every day Mr. Walker
toiled over whether or not he should have his penis removed to end
his excrutiating pain. Finally, he could not take the pain any longer
and decided to have it removed.
Seeing as it wasn't a hugely complicated surgical procedure,
he got to leave the hospital on the same day that it was removed.
Mr. Walker decided that this new predicament in his life was not going
to slow him down one bit. So, that day he went out to do some nice
things for himself, to feel like a new man (no pun intended). He
ate lunch at a very expensive restaurant and even bought himself that
new car he had been looking at. Then he went to a very expensive
clothes shop to have a beautiful suit made for himself. As the tailor
was measuring Mr. Walker for the suit, the tailor said that he had
a 16 neck. "No," said Mr. Walker "my neck is size 14." But the
tailor insisted, "I'm afraid that you are definitely a size 16 neck."
"Look, I've been wearing a size 14 for the last 10 years, I'm telling
you, my neck is a size 14."
Said the tailor, "Well, you couldn't have worn a size 14. If
you'd been wearing a size 14 neck, you would have been experiencing
tremendously painful migrane headaches."
Date: Fri, 15 Apr 1994 09:12:36 EST
From: Kathleen Williams
Subject: Gong Awards for 1992
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals)
for dubious distinctions in 1992.
Tortoise Trophy
British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include
trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
Rubber Cushion
John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream
and glued his buttocks together
Crimewatch Cup
Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
stolen stereo. His error was having tatooed on his forehead in large
capitals letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the
court:"My client is not a very bright young man".
Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax,
but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he
began screaming "Call me back" and left his phone number.
Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with
his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
British Cup
To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral
sex and then moved onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up
post-coitus cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.
Flying Cross
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft
having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately
eaten by a cat. The 90 minute delay in finding his remains and handing
his identification tag to the judges relegated percy from first to
third place.
Lazarus Laurel
To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathereed round her coffin
in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the
hell was going on. Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carlson's
daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
Silver Bullet
To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on
an overhanging rock,and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 11:21:30 BST
From: Adam BJ Quantrill
Subject: 4 Medical: Deaf Wife, Commie, Doc bad in bed, Passing BB's
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her
hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she
doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until
she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really
is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey,
what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times,
until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the
man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live." The man sits for a
while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to
become a Communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American all
your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?" The man says, "Better
one of them should die than one of us."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't
so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he
decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first
time in their lives. The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that
they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home
and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the
hardward store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their
food.
Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is
pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in
his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping
BB's. Again, she says that it is ok. That evening the
eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what
happened". She says "I know, you're passing BB's". "No",
he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 08:47:38 MEX
From: Antonio Oliveros
Subject: PRACTICAL FIRST AIDS FOR HOME ACCIDENTS. PART II OF II.
AND NOW THE SECOND PART OF THIS PRACTICAL FIRST AID GUIDE.
STRANGE OBJECTS IN EYE:
In this case, you have to examine the NATURE OF THE OBJECT, IF IT EXEEDS THE
value of the eye, say, a diamond, ONE GOLD COIN, A BEEF STEAK OR 1 OZ OF
uranium, the best thing to do is tO EXTRACT THE EYE AND LEAVE THE OBJECT
inthe eye's place. That person wiLL BE BENEFITIATED WITH THE CHANGE,
because in this days profits are eveRYTHING.
But if the person wants to keep his owN EYE FOR SENTIMENTAL REASONS, YOU
must extract the object, carefully rinSE IT AND WHEN DRY, PLACE IT ON OTHER
people's eye, this person MUST be less SENTIMENTAL AND MORE MATERIAL.
Then you can aplly the first procedure.
SYNCOPE:
Also known as swoon or faint. In the pAST VERY POPULAR IN BETWEEN LADIES.
nowadays is very popular between males, ESPECIALY PARENTS, WHO HAVE TO PAY
for tuitions, taxes, credit cards amonG OTHER CALAMITIES OF OUR DAYS.
The best thing to do, or at least tHE MOS HUMANITARIAN THING TO DO, IS TO
let this poor guy die, so he can at laST REST IN PEACE.
HICCUP:
In the past, the best thing to do IN THIS CASE, USED TO BE TO SCARE THE
patient, unfortunately nowadays peopLE HAVE LOST THE CAPABILITIE TO GET
scared of anything, so the best thinG TO DO IS TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH THE
victim of this desease, drinking sometING LIKE CHIVAS REGAL WHISKY OR MAYBE
Bacardi Rum, you have to keep him tellING YOU A REALY LONG SPEECH, LIKE THE
ONES IN THE CONGRESS.
BITE:
( Some explanation needed: In MEXICO WE CALL BRIBES 'MORDIDAS',
that translates in bite. )
If it is a dog bite, you'd better taKE THAT PERSON AND THE DOG TO A HEALTH
institution, But if it is a cop bite oR A BUREAUCRAT BITE, THERE IS NOTHING
to do, you have to pay or you may suffER LINES, PAPERWORK, LOST OF TIME AND
DOCUMENTATION. SORRY, NO KNOWN REMEDY.
Stork visit:
Even it happens in the home, most of THE TIMES IN THE BEDROOM, WE CAN'T
consider this a home accident, so we rEFUSE TO TALK ABOUT IT. AND ONCE YOU
have knowledge of this situation, you CAN'T DO ANYTHING, UNLESS YOU ARE THE
KIND OF PERSON WHO BELIEVES IN PREMATURE UNCORKING.
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 10:49:38 PST
From: "John `Bullwinkle' Wenker"
Subject: 2nd Graders (mildly crude, but hilarious).
There was a class of second graders. For their assignment, the teacher
decided that they would draw a class picture, where each pupil draws
something on the picture, then hands it to the next pupil who will add to
it. So the teacher starts off by giving the blank sheet of paper to
little Mary, the star student, and she draws this:
____
|soap|
`----'
The teacher says, "That's very nice, Mary. What is it?" [daa...]. Mary
explains that it's a bar of soap. "Okay, now hand over the paper and
crayons to Timmy and let him draw something." Mary complies, and gives
the junk to Timmy, who thinks for awhile, then adds to the picture as
follows:
/^\
/ \
/| ____ |\
| |soap| |
| `----' |
Again the teacher inquires, "What's that, Timmy?" Timmy says, "That's the
house that the bar of soap is in." The teacher acknowledges, telling him
how nice it is, and to pass it on to the next pupil.
The next pupil receives the supplies, scratches his head, then adds to the
picture as follows:
/^\
/( )\
/| `\./' |\
| ____ |
| |soap| |
| `----' |
The teacher is kind of confused by this, and asks the child to explain his
work. "That's the snow that's on top of the house that the bar of soap is
in." The teacher exclaims, "Oh! I see. That's very nice." Again the
supplies are passed on to the next student, who proceeds to add to the
picture
as follows:
\ | /
- ( ) -
/ | \
/^\
/( )\
/| `\./' |\
| ____ |
| |soap| |
| `----' |
When asked to explain the picture, the pupil remarked, "That's the sun
that's
melting the snow that's on top of the house that the bar of soap is in."
The
teacher exclaims, "That's very nice," and is very pleased with the way the
class picture is progressing. Then it's... well... let's say it's John's
turn
to add to the picture (since that's my name). John receives the picture
and
crayons, then makes the following addition to the class picture:
_________
_.-/ \-._
_/ \_
/ \ | / \
| - ( ) - |
| / | \ |
| |
| /^\ |
| /( )\ |
\ /| `\./' |\ /
\ | ____ | /
_____\ | |soap| | /_____
(________| `----' |________)
The teacher looks at the picture with a blank stare, not being able to
figure
out the significance, so she asks John to explain. John responds, "That's
my
dad when he drops the bar of soap in the shower!"
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 13:42:05 PDT
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 4.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jan 89
>From the Booth News Service, December 22, 1988:
(Flint, Mich.) - Maybe it's just because he's an amateur. Or maybe he
harbored a Freudian wish to be caught.
Whatever the reason, police had little trouble tracing a man who
allegedly held up a service station in Flint Township over the weekend. The
robber fled with $70, wearing a high school varsity jacket with his name on
the back. The suspect, 24, was to have been arraigned Monday.
----------------------------------------------------
A man went rushing into a church for something he had forgotten, but he
was stopped cold by a huge sign the janitor had placed in front of the
floor that he had just washed. It read: PLEASE DON'T WALK ON THE WATER.
----------------------------------------------------
Two Jesuit candidates are talking to their superior about a problem
they both have: impure thoughts. As a penance, the superior tells them that
they must put peas in their shoes for a week.
A few days later one of the Jesuits is walking down the street or I should
say, struggling. The dry hard peas in his shoes are killing him. He can
barely walk from the pain.
He meets his superior who says, "Hah, that'll make you limp!"
He meets the other Jesuit who is walking just fine, no trouble at all.
When he asks him about it, the other replies, "The superior didn't say we
couldn't _boil_ the peas now, did he."
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 08:42:38 METDST
From: Jan Kucera
Subject: Ideal measures
I heard this from my colleague yesterday:
Q: What are ideal woman's measures?
A: 87 - 50 - 108
(units: years - million $ - Fahrenheit of fever)
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 09:03:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)"
Subject: Male organ enlargement
A mother was bathing her young son one night when she realised
that his penis was actually very small even for a child. That
morning at her coffee group she casually brought up the question
of penis size in boys. The other mothers described the size of
the penises of their sons and she realised that her son's penis
was definitely very small. She decided to seek medical advice.
The doctor examined her son and agreed that the penis was
exceptionally small. The mother explained her concern that her
son would not be able to perform as a man later in life. The
doctor shook his head and admitted that the only thing her son's
penis would ever excite would be a passing bird which might
mistake it for a worm. In response to her plea for help to
enlarge the penis the doctor shook his head and said that there
was nothing that medical science could do.
Distraught the mother confided in her best friend, who took to
one side and whispered that she knew of a witch in the next
street. The witch had used a spell to make hair grow on her
husband's balding head. She thought that perhaps the witch might
be able to help the son. Sceptical the mother took the boy around
to the house of the witch.
In a dark room complete with black cat and bottles of strange
substances the witch listened to the mother describe the boy's
problem. Inspecting the boy's penis the witch tried not to
snigger and shook her head in amazement. Telling the mother and
son to wait the witch consulted her old, crumbing texts. At last
the witch returned and took the mother to one side. "Hot toast",
she said, "Hot buttered toast makes 'em grow, you know." In
disbelief the mother left and took her son deciding that in the
absence of anything else she would give it a try.
On the way home she met her best friend and her husband, who now
had a handsome head of hair on what had, indeed, been a bald
pate. As she lay in bed that night next to her sleeping husband
the mother thought long and hard.
The next morning the son duly woke up, dressed and went
downstairs to the kitchen. To his disbelief he found that the
kitchen table was piled high with plates and plates of hot
buttered toast.
"Mam, mam," he cried, "I can't eat all these."
"Shut up," the mother replied passing him a plate. "These two
pieces are for you. The rest are for your Dad!"
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 09:45:32 CET
From: Pete Plassmann
<@KAISERSLAU-EMH1.ARMY.MIL:imo@lan3.kaiserslau-emh1.army.mil>
Subject: Plane Humor
McDonnell Douglas
AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES
Important! Important!
Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other
First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________
Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________
Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified
3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________
4. Serial Number____________________
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:
_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase
in the near future:
Product Own Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all
that apply:
_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler's Check
12. Occupation You Your Spouse
Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student
13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction
Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 00:58:59 -0700
From: "Corey J. Cooper"
Subject: computer virus humor
Here are some of the more recient viruses that are going
arround....
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by
LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless
of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you
to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to
run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child
process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer,
ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds
of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all
of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a
3.5 percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you
choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper
shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish
anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of
mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot
up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it
all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus
has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my
docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all
the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it
on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform
like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
your PC and erases them in "self defense".
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes
in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million
dollars, it's programmer will take it back.
Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to your
PC!
Bit By a Duck
Nekhai kachka tebe kopne
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 11:53:59 PDT
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 4.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jan 89
The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest.
Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration
as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to
the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.
The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and
Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria
on which you base your central arguments? Please document with
citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose
polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to
us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please
elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be
difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of
your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that
"among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in
six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers
in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to
raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next
10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of
these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it,
and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion
against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a
long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not
follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You
state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and
that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who
or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they
change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance?
How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these
areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are
your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing
your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research?
Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization
chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this
since Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any
assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range
prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and
manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of
Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due
date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original
signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 22:09:42 EDT
From: Whitmark Christop CDT
Subject: Joke non-offensive
First, thanks for all the corrections on my last post about the Marines. I
didn't get the song right, and I am sorry, but that is probably why I am not a
Marine.
This joke is not funny to read, but should be good to play on someone else, I
got a kick out of it.
I was driving down the road the other day and saw a hitchhiker. So I stopped
and picked him up. Well, he got in the back seat with a bag. Well, my friend,
being nosey, asked him what was in the bag. He said, "none of your business."
OK. So we go on a few more minutes, and my friend asked agian, "hey whats in
the bag?" He again said, "none of your business." Well, this sounded too
fishy for us so we pulled over and told him to get out. Well, he jumped out
and we took off. My friend looks in the bcak seat and sees the bag.
**Now the person listening to the joke has to ask, "whats in the bag?"**
You say, "none of your business."
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 22:18:34 EST
From: Clarity Hands
Subject: The Japanese won the boat race
Once upon a time, an America Aerospace comapny and their Japanese
counterpart decided to have a competitive boat race on the St. John
River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the big day they both felt as ready as they could be.
The Japanese won by a mile!
Afterwords, the American team became very discouraged by the loss and
the morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for
the crushing defeat had to be found. A continuous "Measurable
Improvement Team" was set up to investigate the problem and to
recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion:
The problem was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing, and
one person steering, whereby the American team had one person rowing
and eight people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee
immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management
structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting
firm concluded that "too many people were steering, and not enough
were rowing."
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the teams
management structure was totally reorganized to four steering
managers, three area steering managers, one staff steering manager and
a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more
incentive to work harder. "We must give him empowerment and
enrichment, that ought to do it."
The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance, sold all the paddles, cancelled all capitol investments
for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a "High
Performance" award to the consulting firm, and distributed the money
saved on bonuses to the senior executives.
Date: Wed, 20 Apr 1994 15:31:00 BST
From: Adam BJ Quantrill
Subject: 3 Medical: Birth Pain, Quadruplets, Big Dick/Stutter
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies,
"Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to
pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
Max Brown, a young father-to-be, was waiting anxiously outside the maternity
ward where his wife was giving birth to their first baby. As he paced the floor,
a nurse popped her head around the door.
"It's a boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think you'd better go and have a
cup of coffee because there might be another!"
Max turned a little pale and left. Some time later, he rang the hospital and
was told he was the father of twins.
"But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the way. Ring back
again in a little while."
At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough. He ordered a
few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a third baby had arrived
and a fourth was imminent.
Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double scotch. Twenty
minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he
dialed the wrong number and got the recorded cricket score.
When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the recording was
still going strong, "The score is 96 all out, and the last one was a duck."
A man goes to the doctor and says "c cc ca can yy you he he help mm me
with m my stutter". The doctor says of course and tells him to lie on
the couch. He examines him and finds that the man has a 16" cock. The
doc says "no wonder you have a stutter with that hanging off your vocal
chords, I'll have to take some off". So he removes 10" and sends him
home. A week later the man returns complaining that his wife misses
the large cock, though his stutter is cured. "Is there any way you can
help?" he asks. The doctor replies "sssss ss se send hhh hhh he her in
to me a a and i'll ss ss sssee what i can d d d d d do!!!!!!!!!
Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 08:35:00 EDT
From: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642"
Subject: Could be offensive to nobody unless you hate corn!
There was this man that had four daughters. It just so happened that all four
were going out on the same night.
At 6:00, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door
said, "Hi. I'm Freddie. I'm here for Betty. Were going to eat Spaghetti." The
man replied, "That's cute. I'll get her for you." He got his daughter and she
and her date went out.
At 6:15, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door
said, "Hi. I'm Lance. I'm here for Nance. Were going to a dance." The man
replied, "That's really good. I'll get her for you." He got his daughter and
she and her date went out.
At 6:30, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door
said, "Hi. I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. Were going to a show." The man replied,
"That's very nice. I'll get her for you." He got his daughter and she and her
date went out.
At 6:45, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door
said, "Hi. I'm Chuck" and the man shot him.
Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 08:48:52 -0500
Subject: Software testing; send email; Birthday announcement
From: ficara@remus.rutgers.edu (Ken Ficara)
Newsgroups: comp.software.testing,alt.folklore.computers,rec.humor
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"
New York, NJ, Sept. 24 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software
(PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been
added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice
software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies
like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS.
"Alternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly
and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a
time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means
necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about
"torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They
spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are
unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."
Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with
bugs.
"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant
Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without
resorting to software testing.
PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of software
programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: v123gcet@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (Nora Hartley)
Subject: Please send me e-mail
Hi. Could everybody please send e-mail from all over the world
reminding me not to leave my terminal without logging out? Thank you.
(Use foreign languages if possible).
Please e-mail, I do not subscribe to this group, nor do I normally read news.
This will be a big surprise the next time I log on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: johnson@sleipnir.pb.wes.mot.com ("Johnson")
Subject: Re: Birthday Announcement...
David Schnardthorst writes:
>I have a co-worker whose birthday is today, October 5, 1993, Please
>Flood his e-mail with condulences...
>...
>Thank You...
>
> David Schnardthorst System Administrator
> Stryder Communications Computer Consulting
Well, as a long time r.h reader, I've seen lots of netiquette violations,
but this is a new one--the sysadmin asking for his mail system to
be brought to its knees. And at a computer consulting company yet,
specializing in communications. I'd be tempted to second-guess
any advice I got from them...
Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 09:31:58 PDT
From: Cindy Parker
Subject: Parents' Guide to Teenage Crime and Punishment
Text item: Text_1
Again, and as always, this was taken from
MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
This may be offensive if you are a typical parent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE CRIME |THE RESPONSE |THE PUNISHMENT | THE RESULT
--------------|-----------------|--------------------|----------------
Some smart*ss |Icy stare. Fork |Silent treatment. |Kid will move
remark at |pointed in kid's |Barely perceptible |out at 18, get a
dinner |direction. "Shut |shaking of head |job in computer
|up, you." |whenever kid speaks.|programming, be
| | |married,
| | |miserable, and
| | |divorced by 23.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caught shop- |Slow shaking of |No allowance 2 mos. |Kid will go to
lifting down |head in disgust. |Grounded 1 month. |community
at the mall. |"So you're a |Reproachful looks |college, drop
|slimy little |from now on. |out after 2 1/2
|thief. I hope | |semesters, go to
|you're proud of | |work for Dad's
|yourself." | |business.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Insolent hair |Snorts of dis- |Confiscate clothing.|Kid will shape
and clothing. |belief. "You're |Continuous |up upon grad-
|not leaving this |belittling. Ship |uation, join
|house 'til you |kid off to military |army, wound self
|look decent." |school. |on patrol in
| | |Central America.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Heavy petting |"Just what in |Kid's date banished.|Kid will run
or worse with |God's name is |Early curfew. |away at 16,
some squinty |going on around |Compulsory church |hitchhike to
little creep |here?" |attendance. |next state, get
in the base- | | |a job in tire
ment rec room.| | |warehouse,
| | |settle down by
| | |18.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Secret |Flaring nostrils.|Early curfew. |Kid will be
inspection of |Huffing and |Grounded 1 month. |married by 19, 2
bedroom |puffing. Sputter-|Continued secret |kids by 21, 3
reveals birth |ing. Maybe knock |inspections of bed- |kids by 23,
control pills |the kid around a |room. Glowering |completely de-
or devices. |bit. |looks. |moralized by 25.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Pregnant. |"How the HELL did|Kick kid out of |Baby will be
|you get |house. |aborted or given
|pregnant?" | |up for adoption,
| | |kid will move
| | |across country
| | |and never speak
| | |to you again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Home after |"If there's ONE |No borrowing Dad's |Kid will go to
curfew. Beer |scratch on my |car 2 months. Early |college, join
on breath. |car, you're going|curfew. Baleful |fraternity or
|to wish you were |looks. |sorority, meet
|never born." | |future spouse,
| | |get married, end
| | |up just like
| | |you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------