From: Sara Rummelhart
Things Women think while making love:
The Mistress: "Slower, Slower!"
The Prostitute: "Faster, Faster!"
The Housewife: "Beige. Yes, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
----
Two women were chatting and one asked the other, "Mable, do you talk to
your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?" Mable answered,
"Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like
that?"
From: BABA
3 kinds of orgasms that women have --
the positive -- oh YES! oh YES!! OH YESS!!!
the negative -- oh no! oh NO!! OH NOOO!!!
& the holy orgasm --oh God! Oh GOD!! OH GOD!!!!
From: Wendy Meyers
A few years ago I was travelling to Hawaii to visit friends and
had to pass through Pittsburgh on the way to Dulles International
Airport outside of Washington D.C. As I was sitting on the plane
in Pittsburgh there was a great discussion going on behind me.
Apparently these two gentlemen were each assigned the same seat
and neither wanted to attempt to find another place.
After about five minutes of discussion, an attendent finally came
back to see what the difficulty was. Looking at the two seat
assignments and finding them identical she asked one of the
gentlemen to sit in a different seat and proceeded to count the
passengers on the plane to make sure that all had boarded.
Shortly before take-off, the flight attendent came on the
intercom to provide us with the pre-flight information; location
of exits, etc. but instead began with the following:
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight #### to Dulles
International airport. If this is not your planned destination,
please exit the plane now."
Wouldn't you know it, one of the guys who insisted that the seat
behind me was his stood up, collected his things from the over
had compartment, and left!
From: Ian Chai
A man who speaks only Spanish goes into a small clothing store, with
the intention of purchasing a pair of socks. He does not know where
the socks are located, however, and walks over to a sales clerk to ask
for them. Unfortunately, the clerk knows only English, so the
conversation progresses rather slowly.
Clerk: May I help you, sir?
Customer: Quiero comprar medias (I want to buy socks)
Clerk: I'm sorry...I don't understand Spanish. Do you want pants?
[points to pants racks]
Customer: No, no. Quiero medias.
Clerk: Do you want shirts? [Points at shirts.]
Customer: No, no. Quiero medias. (No, no. I want socks.) [Points at feet.]
Clerk: Ahh...you want socks, right? [Points at socks.]
Customer: Medias, si! Eso, si, que es! (Socks, yes! That's exactly it!)
[Pronounced S-O-C-K-S]
Clerk: Well if you knew how to spell it, why didn't you say so, in
the first place?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The next few are from Ben Wick's _Book_of_Losers:
When Lorenzo Castelli was struck and killed by a train, the Italian
railroad sued him for delaying rail schedules for 29 minutes.
----
Bandits trying to break into an office for a payroll robbery even went so
far as to fire a submachine-gun burst at the lock, but still didn't manage
to get inside. Finally, they gave up and fled. Police said they had
been pulling at the door instead of pushing.
----
A man runs off to a nearby city in search of his wife. After a day's
long search he returns to his room and requests a call girl.
Imagine his surprise when he sees his wife!
----
A woman was so depressed and angry after her husband abandoned her. She
jumped out of her window. She landed on her husband. Her husband died,
she survived.
----
A lady golfer competing in the 1912 Shawnee Invitational for Ladies at Shawnee-
on-Delaware took a glorious wack at the ball and watched as it sailed
majestically into the Binniekill river. But luck was on her side. The ball
remained floating, making it possible for the energetic golfer to leap into a
boat and set off in hot pursuit. Each time she was within range of the ball
our heroine would give an almighty swipe. She eventually connected and sent
the ball up onto a small beach, 1.5 miles from where she had started. After
leaping out of the bat she bagan to tackle the next hurdle - a forest lying
between her ball and the hole. She finally made it in a magnificent 166
strokes for the 130-yard, par 3, 16th hole.
----
A French motorist's Citroen stalled on a railroad crossing. Unable to move
the car, he fled. A freight train hit the automobile, derailed, tore up 300
feet of track, and spilled twenty box cars loaded with beer into an adjacent
river. Three cranes had to be rented to remove the remains of the freight
train. Rail service was disrupted for six weeks. The beer killed all the
fish in the river and put local fishermen out of work for the season. And
the locomotive engineer sued for two cracked ribs. The total claim against
the motorist's insurance company exceeded seven million dollars.
From: Daniel McPherson
MMMM
MMMMMMMMMM
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MMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
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MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
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MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMM----MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMM------MMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM----MMM---/=\--MMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM--==--MM------\--MMM MMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM--/-----M-------\--MMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM--/-----------------MMM
MMMMMMMMM MMM--|------------------MMM
MMMMM MMM------/..\---/..\-----MMM
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MMMM-----......-......----MMMM
MMMM-----......-.MM...---MMMMM
MMMMM----...MM.-.MMM..---MMMMM
MMMMM----..MMM.-\MMM./---MMMMM
MMMMMM---\.MMM.--\M./---/-----
MMMMMM----\\M/=======\---------
MM----M--/====-MMMMM------------
-----------MMMMMMMM-----------
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------------MMMMMMMM----X------
------_/----MMMMMMM-----/-\----
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MMMMMMMMM---XXXX---M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM--------MMM
MMMMMM:++MMMMMMMMM----MMMMM
MMMMMM:MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMM:M////MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 15 23:07 MET 1993
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Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1993 13:47:05 PDT
Reply-To: Marty 'Spiff' Kuhrt
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Marty 'Spiff' Kuhrt
Subject: Voodoo Vibrator (sexually explicit language)
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Saw this on alt.tasteless.jokes this weekend.
THE VOODOO DICK
This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says:
"Doctor, I just can't have an orgasm."
"Do you masturbate?", he says.
"No luck". is the reply.
"How about cunnilingus?"
"Nope"
"Kick-start vibrator?"
"Wakes up the neighbors, but not me." she complains.
"Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here." the doctor says as he
walks into the next room. He walks out with a black velvet case and
places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its
contents.
"What is it", she gasps.
"It's a VOODOO DICK," he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long,
meaty shaft from the case. "It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill
your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK, hand!" he commands. The
dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye
can see.
"Ooooh", she sighs.
"VOODOO DICK, case." The dick returns in a shot to its case.
"You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power."
"Certainly, of course, anything you say" she sputters, the
wetness in her mouth matched by the wetness in her panties.
So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good
doctor and hurrying out to her car. But she can't wait to get
home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.
"VOODOO DICK, hand!" she commands. It flies eagerly into her
hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly
removes her underwear. "VOODOO DICK, pussy!" she screams, and it
obliges. Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with
pleasure.
"VOODOO DICK, fuck me." It begins to thrust in and out.
"VOODOO DICK, faster!" It quickens the pace while the woman sits in
sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course through her body.
"VOODOO DICK, harder!" It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin,
one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed
to this sort of satisfaction.
"VOODOO DICK, stop."
BUT IT WON'T STOP
"VOODOO DICK, stop now!", she yells.
It continues its relentless assault.
"Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts"
It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench
it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just as she gets the
window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get it.
She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror. 60, 70,
80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100.
The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the
last corner.
Sirens blare.
The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car.
"You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing- gotta go"
she yells.
"Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your
problem?"
"You don't under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK
following me." she sputters.
"A WHAT?", the cop yells?
"A magic VOODOO DICK. It's after me!" she exclaims.
To which the cop replies, "VOODOO DICK, my ass!"
Sorry, the suspense is a killer, ain't it?
I--------------------------------------------------------------------I
I Gregory S. King I "The Quality of Life is I
I Aeronautical Engineering I Directly Proportional to I
I Cal Poly SLO I How Fast You Drive" I
I--------------------------------------------------------------------I
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 16 08:25 MET 1993
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Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1993 23:23:43 -0800
Reply-To: RMARTIN@CMCVAX.CLAREMONT.EDU
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Robert Martin
Subject: Sexual and Racist - nothing better!
Comments: To: humor
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Here's a nice one for y'all...
One night, a black man walked into a pretty much all
white saloon, strode up to the bar, and ordered a shot
of whiskey. Downing it in one gulp, he turned around
and spoke out, rather loudly, "I'm 7'3", weigh 250 lbs.,
I play defensive lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, I
make a million dollars a year, and I fuck white woman!"
He looked around for any responses, and seeing none,
turned to the bartender and ordered another whiskey.
Again downing it in one gulp, he turned around and spoke
louder, "I'm 7'3", weigh 250 lbs., I play defensive
lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, I make a million
dollars a year, and I fuck white woman!"
Again, he looked around for a response, and again
noticing none, he turned around and ordered another
whiskey. Downing it in one gulp, he turned around, and
yelled, "I'm 7'3", weigh 250 lbs., I play defensive
lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, I make a million
dollars a year, and I fuck white woman!"
Again, he noticed no response. Turning to the white man
sitting next to him, he slapped him on the back and
said, "Did you hear what I say??"
The white man replied, "Yes, I did."
The black man then said, "Well, what do you think?"
The white man replied, "Well, if I made a million
dollars a year, I wouldn't fuck niggers either."
Rob
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 16 12:56 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1993 06:49:18 EST
Reply-To: RUMMELH@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Birthday duck
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
BIRTHDAY DUCK
For a boy's 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, "Go into
town and see what you can get with this." The boy then went in search of
the best deal he could find.
He first ran into a hooker who offered, "I'll have sex with you if you give
me the duck." He agreed. Afterwards, she was so impressed she said, "If
you do it again, I'll give you the duck back." He thought that this was an
excellent deal, and agreed.
Since he had his duck back, he continued to walk through town to try to
find something else. Suddenly, the duck flew out of his arms and into an
oncoming truck. The driver of the truck was so sorry about killing the
duck, he gave the boy 2 dollars.
When the boy arrived home, his father asked what he recieved for the duck.
His reply: "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two
bucks for a fucked up duck!"
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 16 13:52 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1993 14:57:00 SAT
Reply-To: Mazin Dabbagh
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Mazin Dabbagh
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject: Few more Quotations..
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
* Doing business without advertising is like winkink at a girl in the dark.
You know what you are doing, but nobody els does.!!
* Even a stopped clock is right twice a day!!
* Think like a man of action and act like a man of thought.
* Eat to please thyself, but dress to please others.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 16 15:52 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1993 08:35:10 GMT
Reply-To: D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Derryck Lamptey
Subject: Re: more insulting lines
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
This is from a british saop:
Scene: Mr A died in an accident (while driving) and Mr B's brother was
put in a coma. Mr B found out that Mr A wa supposedly over the limit
(drink) when the accident happened, and is well angry. He goes over to
Mr A's widow, the night after he's been cremated:
[rantings, and ravings cut] (here's the punch line, no pun intended on "punch"!)
".. I am sure he burnt really well! He had enough alchohol in him!! "
No prizes for guessing the facial expressions af everyone around!!
Derryck.
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Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1993 10:48:29 PST
Reply-To: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was
Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.2 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 4 May
88
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About Banking...
RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," comitted by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the
security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing staings, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One newvous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.
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Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1993 11:20:40 -0500
Reply-To: "Nigel H. Mendez"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Nigel H. Mendez"
Subject: offensive to catholics
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Father Larry is in the confession booth one day when he has to go to the
bathroom really bad. He Calls over to the janitor. Jim ,the janitor,
comes over and Father Larry explains that he has to go to the bathroom
and wants Jim to take over in the confession booth for him. Jim explains
that he is not even catholic and does not think it would be appropriate
for him to take over, Father Larry insits and explains to Jim that if
somebody enters the booth to just look up the punishment in the book on
the table. Jim agress and sits down in the booth. The first sinner
comes in and says 'Father I have sinned, I have cursed at my mother' Jim
thumbs through the book and finds 'cursing at mother'. Jim reads the
note and tells the sinner to say two hail mary's and they are forgiven.
A minute later another sinner comes into the booth and says 'Father I
have sinned, I cheated on my test'. Once again Jim looks it up in the
book and tells the sinner to say three "our Father's" and they will be
forgiven. Jim starts top enjoy his new job and becomes more relaxed.
The next sinner walks in and say 'Father please forgive me, I have
sinned.' Jim says 'My son, What have you done' The sinner replys 'I have
had anal sex' Jim, feeling very comfortable goes over to the book and
looks up anal sex, not finding anything he checks again, but sure enough
they is notheing for anal sex. Jim starts to get worried and then he
notices little billy playign out back. Jim calls out to billy 'hey billy
what does Father Larry give for anal sex?' Bill shouts back 'Two
twinkies and a coke!'
hope you liked it
-Nigel
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 08:04 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1993 16:35:46 -0600
Reply-To: irma
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: irma
Subject: Re: Kid's say the darndest things (G)
Comments: To: Mike Shockley
Comments: cc: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
In-Reply-To: <199311162210.AA28894@formby.tenet.edu>
Status: RO
You're right about that. Kids do say the darnest things.
I have a 3 year old and she has this cat named Ziggy who she just loves to
carry all over the house. One day all three of us were sitting on the bed
(my daughter, the cat and me) well obviously the cat had done a poo poo
and I innocently said, "Oh Ziggy did a poo poo." to which my daughter
replied, "No mommy Ziggy didn't poo poo, I farted."
> Kid's say the darndest things. My son, who was 4 yrs. old at
> the time, was learning to use the toilet (for things other then just
> watching the swirl as it flushes). At any rate, he was about take his
> rightful place on the great white throne when he said to me "I better
> be careful. If I fall in, I might hurt my feelings."!! I just about
> died laughing!! :)
> Anyone else with kids around have stories to tell? Please do.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 08:05 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1993 23:23:05 EST
Reply-To: JOEMOLE@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Joe Mole
Subject: Saved from falling
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
SAVED FROM FALLING INTO THE WATER
The Mulla nearly fell into a pool of water. A passerby saved
him in the nick of time. Every time they met in the future, the
man reminded Nasrudin about how he had prevented him from getting
wet.
Unable to stand it any longer, the Mulla took his friend to
the pool, jumped in as far as the neck, and shouted: "Now I am as
wet as I would have been if I had never met you! Will you leave me
alone?"
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 12:41 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1993 11:27:02 +0000
Reply-To: A.Limaye@BRA0504.WINS.ICL.CO.UK
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Ajit Limaye
Subject: More about Bulls
Comments: To: UGA Humor List
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
In-Reply-To: <"relay2.pip.696:17.10.93.05.08.37"@pipex.net>
Status: RO
The little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when
the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I
had to take her to the Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher
"I am sure your father could have done that"
"No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be
the Bull".
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 14:10 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1993 10:17:15 LCL
Reply-To: Rafael Lacaz Ruiz
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Rafael Lacaz Ruiz
Subject: Woman & bad smell, MAY OFFENSE
Comments: To: humor%uga.bitnet@lion.cce.usp.br
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Well, this is a joke a heard few days ago. Laks me vocabulary, but
I'll try:
There was a very (3 times) pretty woman, but she had a problem: she
had a stink breath, a terrible smell when she opened her mouth.
In the same way she was pretty, in the same way her breath smelled
terrible. And... she went to her first party; she was deeply shy.
Came to her a group of guests and one by one invited her to dance:
- Do you wanna dance with me ? ...
- Hum, hum (she replied 'no' nodding her head, not oppening her
mouth). She was so shy , she didn't want to open her mouth. Many guys
called her to dance, but no way, she
"said" no. Finally came an insistent guy, and took her for dancing.
When they were close to each other dancing he said:
- What's your name?
- Hum, hum
- What's your name?
- Hum, hum
- C'mom, what's your name?
She replied : - Andrea ( What a bad smell!!)
He said : - Oh!..You fart?
She said : - Hum, hum ("no")
He insisted : - Oh, You fart, didn't you?
She answered: - NO!
He said : - OH, NOW YOU MADE DUDU!!
BBBBBB III SSSS Rafael Lacaz Ruiz
B B I SS S University of Sao Paulo
B B I S Piracicaba - SP Brasil
B B I SSS Raflruiz@tuvira.ciagri.usp.br
B B I SSS
BBBBBB I S CCCCC U U I TTTTTTT
B B I S C U U I T
B B I SS C U U I T
B B I SS C U U I T
B B I S S C U U I T
BBBBBB III SSSS CCCCC UUUUU I T
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 15:14 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1993 09:59:55 EST
Reply-To: Marianne_Fafard@NIHCOD5.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Marianne_Fafard@NIHCOD5.bitnet
Subject: kids say the darndest things - PG
Comments: cc: marianne@NIHCOD5.BITNET
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
|Date: 11-17-93 9:02am
|From: Marianne Fafard:NCIOD5:NIH
| To: ¤humor@uga‡:bitnet
| cc: marianne
|Subj: kids say the darndest things - PG
------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was in college, a friend of mine returned home from running
errands with this classic. Here goes:
A woman and her young son were standing in line at the bank waiting for
the next available teller. The little boy was becoming very irritable
and his mother was trying to calm him down. Without much luck, she said
in a fairly loud voice, "If you don't settle down right now I will pull
your pants down in front of the whole bank and spank your butt!!!"
With that the little boy announced, "If you spank my butt, I'll tell the
whole bank that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee."
They left immediately...
C YA!
Marianne
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Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1993 14:50:31 -0500
Reply-To: MSHOCKLE@DREW.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Mike Shockley
Subject: Supermarket/dog incident
Comments: To: humor@uga.bitnet
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Sorry for the 2nd post, but anyway.....
I work in the office at a local supermarket and frequently
people will tell us that a car has left the lights on. We get a
description and license plate number and announce the unfortunate
incident over the loudspeaker.
Well, last night, as I was walking across the front end by the
registers, I hear someone ask, "Is that your dog?". What! A dog in
the store!! I turn around and sure enough, this beautiful and LARGE
Irish Setter is frolicing and running around and through the
registers. I immediately apprehend the culprit and place him in the
lobby. Upon my return to the store, I made the following
announcement:
"Attention shoppers. The owner of a red Irish Setter, license
plate B-O-W.W-O-W, your dog is loose. Please come and secure this
animal. Thank you!!"
It recieved quite a bit of laughter, not to mention a quick
from the owner!!
******************************************************************************
* Mike Shockley *
* A friendly, unarmed, mailperson for Drew University *
* MSHOCKLE@DREW.DREW.EDU *
* "It's not the pace of life I mind; *
* it's the sudden stop at the end!"----Hobbes *
******************************************************************************
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 18:58 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1993 15:30:19 GMT
Reply-To: Trevor Stynes
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Trevor Stynes
Subject: Maybe offensive...but funny.
Comments: To: "HUMOR@UGA.BITNET"
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Hi there folks....
I have a few jokes for you but I will start off with this one.
It may be considered racist but it's just a joke so nobody take it seriously
don't anybody flame me.
These two Black guys are walking down the street. Now these two guys are
really good friends, they've been buddies for a long long time. They
practically grew up together and are really close. So anyways, they're
walking down a street in the city when they come across a shop window that
has a sign hanging in it. The sign says "You can become White in just
5 minutes for only $5, This week only". The two black guys quickly search their
pockets to see if they have any money.
One of tem has $10 and the other has no money at all. The guy with no money
says to his friend, "Hay man, loan me 5 bucks, I gotta try that shit out,
I wanna be White, can you loan me 5 bucks". The other guy says "sure thang
brutha, I got 10 bucks, I'll loan you 5, let me try it out first and if I
look cool, then I'll loan you the money". So the other guy agrees to this
and te first guy goes in with his $10.
5 minutes later he cokes walking back out and he's completely white.
His friend says "Yo brutha, that's good shit, I gotta try it out, can you
loan me the 5 bucks", the other guy replies "Fuck off, nigger".
More later guys and gals.
It's good to be back. I missed y'all.
Keep smilin'....
Trev.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 17 22:44 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1993 16:21:00 EST
Reply-To: "Wall, David K."
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Wall, David K."
Subject: Neat trick -- from the now-defunct NUTS list (I think)
Comments: To: Humor List
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
[Actually, I don't remember where I got it, but I didn't create it. -David]
You might think In fact, An Really, this
it's difficult, the size odd whole idea
or that there's you pick idea is a bit
magic involved, for your I had silly,
but actually it lines is was to even
turns out to be not very write a if
incredibly easy crucial; sentence it
to make all the they can such that gets
lines the exact be short the length people
same length, as or long. of each one to think
anybody can see It turns of the lines you have a
after trying to out that is just a bit rare talent.
do it one time. the long different from
And all without ones are the length of
using a hyphen! easiest. the one that
came before
it, as you
see here;
however,
I can't
really
say a
lot,
can
I?
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 18 00:28 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1993 18:12:51 EST
Reply-To: Jim Howell
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Jim Howell
Subject: Re: Kids do say the darndest things!!!
Comments: To: CC931CC , humor@uga.BITNET
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
In-Reply-To: Your message of Wed, 17 Nov 1993 16:11:13 CST
Status: RO
About twenty years ago, when my goddaughter was about 3 years old, she
had gotten into a bad habit of sassing her mother. Whenever Carolyn
would do something Katie didn't like, she'd say to her mother "I don't
like you". So in order to nip it in the bud, Carolyn began popping Katie
lightly on the mouth whenever she talked back so blatantly to her. This
seemed to cure the problem, and for a bout a week everything worked out
just fine. Then came the fateful weekend when guests came for dinner.
They were all seated around the table, and Carolyn served Katie some
peas. Katie didn't like peas, and before she'd thought, she responded "I
don't like you". but she immediately recognized her mistake, and said in
a half panic, "Oh, mamma, I didn't mean that, I meant to say goddammit."
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 18 09:06 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1993 17:46:44 PST
Reply-To: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was
Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.3 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 4 May 88
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
----------------------------------------------------
Seen on a sign on the back of an 18-wheeler on the freeway today:
"This truck is operated by a professional. His driving kills are on displa
y.
If you have comments, please call (800) XXX-XXXX."
The (unintentional or otherwise!) omission of the "s" before "kills" sure
changes the meaning!
If you think the 80286 is brain damaged, you ought to check out the
Colorado State Legislature
----------------------------------------------------
My favorites include the operator trying desparately to get the mainframe back
up. Trouble line rings every 30 seconds with stupid students asking why
the computer doesn't answer. Finally:
Student: "Is the computer down?"
Operator: "NO! It knows it's you, and it doesn't like YOU!"
----------------------------------------------------
When I was doing software support for a bunch of 11/70's........
Computer Operator as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive:
"Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"
Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk...."
The operator believed it.
----------------------------------------------------
[This one is familiar!]
S: Hello, IBM hotline, may I help you?
C: Yes. I'm sys-genning my system.
S: Go ahead.
C: Well, I'm on page [whatever] and the instructions say to "insert diskette"
number 8. I'm having problems inserting the diskette.
S: Please describe what's happened thus far...
C: Uh, well I managed to get the other seven in successfully, but I don't
think you left enough room for the eighth...
----------------------------------------------------
I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all
aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing
mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk:
Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?"
HD: "Data Entry."
Caller: "Thank you!"
----
Overheard in a student computer lab:
Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your
name and press RETURN.' What do I do??"
Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN."
Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!"
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Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1993 09:55:00 EST
Reply-To: "Wall, David K."
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Wall, David K."
Subject: Batteries (PG, maybe R)
Comments: To: Humor List
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries.
The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads
towards the back of the store. "If I could come that way," she tells the
retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
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Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1993 10:31:08 -0500
Reply-To: Marc Scott Johansen
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Marc Scott Johansen
Subject: Dumb Blonde Jokes (offending to dumb blondes) Part 1
Comments: To: HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Hi there !
The other day I found this collection of Dumb Blonde jokes that I just had to
share with others. The only one problem is that it is huge. About 11K. Because
of the size I will only post a small selection of these jokes every time. In
case anybody wants to see the full version selection of these jokes, give me a
posting and I will send it to you.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every
month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yeah yeah yeah...
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair
brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side)
I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Another thought from:
Scotty
INTERNET: Marc_Scott_Johansen@GTECH.COM
In case my boss is seing this posting. I did not use the company-mail to post
this......NOT.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 18 20:07 MET 1993
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Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1993 13:26:28 -0500
Reply-To: ALL2@PSUADMIN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: ALL2@PSUADMIN.bitnet
Subject: Safe Fax - Sexual overtones
Comments: To: humor@uga.bitnet
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
GUIDE TO SAFE FAX
Q. How well should I know the person to ensure safe fax?
A. It generally helps to know the person you are faxing, especially if you
want meaningful fax, but there are many people who safely fax complete
strangers every day.
Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, but you should not allow faxing yourself to interfere
with faxing others.
Q. I fax numberous times each day. Is this normal? (My friends say I fax
too much.)
A. Yes, it is normal, but be careful to allow enough time for other
activities such as eating and sleeping. And about your friends:
they're probably just jealous.
Q. There is a place down the street where you can go to pay for fax.
Is this legal?
A. Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay
a professional when their need to fax becomes great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the person you are faxing, a cover should
be used to insure safe fax.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each
one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Q. Is it ethical to fax your co-workers?
A. Yes, it is OK between consenting adults, but be certain that you are not
engaging in faxual harrassment or else you may lose your job, or worse,
end up in jail.
Q. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, as long as the person knows which
switches to flip, which buttons to push and what is inserted where.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a
long time. Just start over. Most people won't mind if you try again.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 18 22:40 MET 1993
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Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1993 16:33:14 EST
Reply-To: Joel O'Connor
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Joel O'Connor
Subject: Re: rated PG 13, and more
Comments: To: humor@uga.bitnet
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
In-Reply-To: In reply to your message of THU 18 NOV 1993 01:26:58 EST
Status: RO
> There was this irish priest and an English priest. They exercised daily.
> the Irish priest would ride his bicycle and the English priest would walk.
> They passed each other every day and would greet each other.
>
> Well, one day the Irish priest is walking and the English priest says,
> "Where is your bike". He replies,"It was stolen." The English priest
> says; "That happened to me one time and what I did was: on Sunday I did a
> sermon on the ten commandments and when I got to Thou shalt not Steal, I
> really emphasized it. I raised my voice and my hands shouting how this
> should not be done. The next day I had my belongings back." "Good idea,"
> says the Irish priest,"I think I will do that."
>
> A couple of weeks later the two priests pass each other and the Irish
> priest is on his bike again. The English priest asks if he used his idea.
> The Irish priest says;"Yes, I started on the ten commandments and like
> you said when I would get up to thou shalt not steal I was really going to
> emphasize it." The English priest says,"Yeah and..." The Irish priest
> says," Well once I got to thou shalt not commit adultry, I remembered
> where I left it."
>
> Hope you like it.
>
YES I DID!!! This is the kind of Catholic humor I enjoy!!!
Here's another:
There once was an elderly Jewish couple. Their son was well past the
age where he should decide on a profession. The parents had agonized
over this for months, and they could only see their son doing one of
two things, he could become a drunkard, or he could be a banker.
It wasn't long before they decided to test that theory. They left
a stack of money and a bottle of wine on the kitchen table one day.
The idea was that, if he took the money, he'd be a banker, if he took
the wine, he'd be a drunkard. The parents hid in the closet and waited
for a result.
Sure enough, the son came down from his room and took both the money and
the wine. The mother immediately fainted. When the father finally
brought her back to consciousness, he asked her what was wrong. She
wheezed and sputtered,"H..he..he's gonna be a Catholic Priest."
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Nov 19 17:19 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1993 09:17:29 -0700
Reply-To: Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.bitnet
Subject: Older Parents (Clean)
Comments: To: HUMOR@UGA.BITNet
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
There was once a couple in their seventies who, nevertheless, had a
baby. Of course the newspaper sent out a reporter to take and picture and
write a story about this unusual event, but when he arrived the couple told
him that he would have to wait until the baby woke up before taking the
picture.
Meanwhile the local radio station sent out a crew to get a story of
the baby and his elderly parents. They, too, were told that they would have
to wait until the baby woke up before they could see the baby.
The news of this miraculuous event had, meanwhile, spread far and
wide, and CNN news sent a crew to get a story and take pictures of the baby
and his parents. This crew, also, was told that they would have to wait for
the baby to wake up before they could take pictures.
Then one of the group asked why they would have to wait; surely
they could see and take pictures of the baby even if he were asleed. Well,
the parents said, you will have to wait until the baby wakes up and cries,
because we have forgotten where we put him.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 22 08:00 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1993 13:45:28 EST
Reply-To: Wally Veale
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Wally Veale
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Buddy Hacket joke, Rated R:
This guy goes into his local pharmacy with a crisis - he has a hard-on
that won't go away. He's had it for days and it's becomming quite
painful. He walks up to the lady standing behind the counter.
"May I speak with your pharmacist?"
Lady: "I am the pharmacist."
Guy (embarrassed): "YOU're the pharmacist?"
Lady: "Yes, I am. Can I help you?"
Guy: "Do you have a man pharmacist?"
Lady: "No, there's only me and my sister here. We're both pharmacists
and co-owners of this establishment."
Guy: "I was hoping for a male pharmacist."
Lady: "I'm sorry, we don't have one. But I am a reputable and
creditable pharmacist and I would like for you to be able
to tell me anything you would tell a male pharmacist."
The guy reluctantly opens his overcoat, shows the pharmacist his
raging hard-on, and asks, "What can you give me for this?"
Lady camly states: "One moment while I converse with my sister."
After a few moments, she returns and says, "We'll give you $500
cash and a partnership in our business."
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 22 08:00 MET 1993
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Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1993 11:54:00 EST
Reply-To: Berton Corson <0005280397@MCIMAIL.COM>
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Berton Corson <0005280397@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Thanksgiving Suggestion
Comments: To: Thanksgiving Suggestion
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Thanksgiving suggestion for 1993 from a turkey's point of view...
______________
| | __
| Hey, | __/@ \ __---__ |^|^>
| Next time, |<<< /___ \ / \ |^|^/^/^>
| try a Ham! | J \ \ / __---_ \| /^/^/^>
|______________| \ \/ -' > `> / / /^>
\ > > ~ ' '~_>
\___ \ __ > > __ ~ ~___>
\ \_ __> / ---_____>
\ /
--\ /--'
\ /
__||_
<__ _>
<_/
Berton M Corson
5280397@mcimail.com
Northridge, California USA
"Would you like light or dark meat?"
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 22 19:41 MET 1993
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Date: Mon, 22 Nov 1993 13:35:11 EST
Reply-To: RUMMELH@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Sara Rummelhart
Subject: Laundry
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up woman?
Because a woman who can't afford even a washing machine will never be able to
support you.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 02:12 MET 1993
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Date: Mon, 22 Nov 1993 17:11:20 PST
Reply-To: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was
Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.4 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Jun 88
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
>From Herb Caen's column ...
A single lane bridge in Marin County has a sign which reads:
Unsafe to cross bridge when water covers this sign.
Two bums were seated on a park bench stealing food from the pigeons.
"Say," said one. "If you suddenly found a million bucks would you lend me
one hundred?"
"That depends," said the second. "What security you got?"
----------------------------------------------------
This is the conversation that will take place many years from now when
the crew of Starship Enterprise returns to earth and discovers your
newly acquired ti computer.
"Can you operate it, Spock?"
"Well, Jim, this computer was designed and constructed 300 million
years ago by a totally alien race of methane-breathing, squidlike
beings who built it using technologies unknown to us and used it
for purposes we cannot conceive of and then mysteriously vanished
leaving no shred of documentation as to its operation. It may
take a few moments."
----------------------------------------------------
For the interested (and the record) these are mainly taken from THE LITTLE
BROWN BOOK OF ANECDOTES, edited by Clifton Fadiman.
In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees
and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion,
asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor.
Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge.
When he say that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for
and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant,
who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50,
thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate plaintiff.
Shortly after John F. Kennedy blocked the hike in steel prices
in 1961, he was visited by a businessman who expressed wariness about
the national economy. "Things look great," said JFK. "Why, if I wasn't
president, I'd be buying stocks myself."
"If you weren't president," said the businessman, "so would I."
----------------------------------------------------
(from a list in the consultant office on the bboard)
User calls stating that monitor has just gone blank, and is
told by consultant to check behind the machine to make sure the monitor
cable hasn't come loose. "I can't see anything back there. We just had
a power failure and it's too dark to see anything in my office."
----------------------------------------------------
A long time ago UNIVAC (now UNISYS) had a mainframe computer called an
1106. They used rotating drum memory. For those of you not familiar
with drums, they are massive rotating cylinders. They also tend to
possess a great deal of rotational inertia.
Anyway, a UNIVAC customer engineer told me that they tried to install
these machines in naval vessels, rotating drum and all. The story goes
that everything was fine until the ship executed a hard turn to port.
The drum, resisting this course alteration, merrily broke loose
from its mountings and crashed through the side of the ship. WHOA BOY!
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 03:27 MET 1993
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Date: Mon, 22 Nov 1993 21:23:25 EST
Reply-To: HUE@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: A University of Alabama joke & a golf joke
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Do you know why Mercedes-Benz is building its new automobile manufacturing
plant so close to the University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa?
Because of the over-abundance of crash test dummies.
---
The day after her husband's death, the widow met with the funeral director.
"What would you like to say in the obiturary?"
"Tollman died," she replied.
"That's much too short. You should have at least five words."
"All right, how about Tollman died. Golf clubs for sale."
An Egyptian professor who was teaching accounting at an American university
was taken for the first time to play golf by a member of the university golf
team. The professor asked, "What do I do?"
"You hit the ball toward the flag on the green."
The professor teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto
the green, where it stopped an inch from the hole. "What now?"
"You're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
"Oh, great! NOW you tell me!"
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 07:17 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 01:18:10 -0400
Reply-To: MUHLHAU_@BENTLEY.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was MUHLHAU_ANDR@BENTLEY
From: MUHLHAU_@BENTLEY.bitnet
Subject: generic; vulgar; damn funny
Comments: To: humor@uga.bitnet
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
3 guys go to a job interview. The man that's giving the job interview
doesn't have any ears. The first guy goes into the office for his interview.
The man says to him, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of
observation. Make one observation about me." So the guy says, "You got no
fuckin' ears!!" "Get out!!" screams the interviewer.
So, the next guy gets up and goes in for the interview. The interviewer
says to the guy, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of
observation. Make one observation about me." The guy says, "You got no fuckin'
ears!!" "Get out!!!" screams the interviewer again.
Then the third guy gets up to go in for his interview. The first two
guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview
doesn't have any ears and he's kind of touchy about it." "Thanks for the tip"
says the third guy.
So he goes in for the interview and agin the man says, "The job that
you are applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about
me." So the guy stares at him for a while and finally he says, "You where
contact lenses."
The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me,
how could you tell?" So the guy says, "Well, you couldn't wear
glasses.........You got not fuckin' ears!!!!"
From LABBEY@GITVM1.GATECH.EDU Wed Nov 24 09:10 MET 1993
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Date: Sun, 21 Nov 93 00:33:15 EST
From: LABBEY@GITVM1.GATECH.EDU
Subject: Re: Klepesta's chronograph
To: Jan Kucera
In-Reply-To: Your message of Fri, 19 Nov 93 13:07:00 MET
Status: RO
Well, maybe his chronometer was on his wrist.
Lenny, and his buddy:
-, /|
O.O
=(___)=
U
Quincy
P.S. Are there Czech cats?
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 18:04 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 09:39:00 EDT
Reply-To: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642"
Subject: Bean Joke
Comments: To: HUMOR%UGA.BITNET@JHUVM.HCF.JHU.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Hi guys. It has been awhile since I've posted. My humor hasn't been too great
since the passing of my father on November 1, but things are getting better.
There was this guy that loved beans, but, they had an adverse affect on him.
They caused large, smelly, gas attacks.
This guy would eat beans day and night and his house always smelled like a pig
farm. Well, one day, as luck would have it, her met the girl of his dreams and
swore off beans to save her from the reaction. They married and his life was
great.
One day, his birthday to be exact, he decided to treat himself to beans again.
It had been many years and he felt he owed it to himself. On the way home from
work, he hit a local restaurant that had a special on pork n' beans and filled
up.
Driving home, the urge hit him. He lifted his leg and let a whopper go. Well,
this happened many times and the car developed an offensive oder. By the time
he got home, he thought the attack was done.
On entering the door, his wife put a blindfold on him and told him that she had
a surprise for him. She led hiom to the dining room and seated him. She then
told him that she would return in a moment to reveal the surprise and then
departed the room.
While sitting there, the urge struck again. He raised up on his right cheek and
let a blast go. Please with the relief, he smiled. The urge struck once more.
This time he raised on his left cheek and let go another blast. Pleased again,
he smiled. The urge struck once more and this time, just to be different, he
raised off the chair in a squat and fired off the third toot. This, again, was
pleasing to him.
His wife returned a few moments after the third blast and removed the
blindfold. Around the table were seated all the man's best friends.
From @UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU:owner-hpmini-l@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU Tue Nov 23 19:36 MET 1993
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23 Nov 1993 12:14:27 -0600
Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 13:11:00 EST
Reply-To: Hewlett-Packard 9000 Series MiniComputer Discussion
Sender: Hewlett-Packard 9000 Series MiniComputer Discussion
From: Dan Gray
Subject: Re: How to remove /dev/dsk/flp
Comments: To: HPMINI-L@uafsysb.uark.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HPMINI-L
In-Reply-To: <9311231036.AB08925@opus.starlab.csc.com>; from "Steve Fosdick"
at Nov 23, 93 10:37 am
Status: RO
>
> >
> > I not infrequently type badly enough to get nonprinting characters into a
> > filename. The usual method I have for getting rid of them is to move every-
> > thing that might get zapped into a temporary directory, remove the offending
> > file or directory with a wildcard rm (or rm -r), and then move everything
> > back. I don't know if this solution would work for your problem.
> >
> Using ls -b it is possible to develop a wildcard pattern to match
> the offending file by putting a question mark wherever the
> non-printing character appears in the filename. One can check that
> the wildcard only matches the one file by using it with ls, and if
> that shows only the file to deleted then use the same wildcard with
> rm.
>
> --
> Steve Fosdick
>
> E-mail: stevef@aom.bt.co.uk Post: Room 210, B67, BT Labs,
> WEB: FOSDICK S J Martlesham Heath,
> Tel: +44 473 642987 IPSWICH IP5 7RE
> Fax: +44 473 644607 England
>
Another method is to redirect the directory listing to a file. When you
vi the file, you will see the hidden characters. Put an 'rm' in front
of the offending file name, save the file and make it executable and run
it.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 15:12 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 13:25:29 +0000
Reply-To: butctp@ESSEX.AC.UK
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: The Man from Uncle
Subject: Hamburgers
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
What is the differnece between Sputnik and Russian hamburgers?
You can be sure there was a dog in Sputnik.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 22:54 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 14:50:07 -0400
Reply-To: SCHROYE@HSDWL.UTC.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Dale Schroyer
Subject: ERROR MESSAGES
Comments: To: HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
MY FAVORTIES ARE SOME VAX VMS ERROR MESSAGES. WHEN INSTALLING NEW SOFTWARE YOU
USE A PROGRAM CALLED VMSINSTAL. WHEN THE PROGRAM GETS TO THE POINT WHERE IT IS
READY TO MOVE THE SOFTWARE FILES TO YOUR HARD DRIVE THE PROGRAM GIVES YOU THIS:
"VMS-I-COFFEEBREAK GO GET A CUP OF COFFEE, THIS WILL TAKE AWHILE."
I ALSO LIKE THE ALLIN1 MAIL MESSAGE THAT WHEN YOU SEND OUT ELECTRONIC MAIL
ANNOUNCES: "ALLIN1-I-BONVOYAGE ROUTING YOUR MAIL MESSAGES."
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 21:43 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 15:15:10 -0500
Reply-To: "Amy L. Ward"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Amy L. Ward"
Subject: engineers (clean)
Comments: To: Humor
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
***************************************************************************
* Amy L. Ward * *
* Career Center * "I do not believe in an afterlife, *
* The George Washington University * but I am bringing a change of *
* cecalw@gwunix2.gwu.edu * underwear." -- Woody Allen *
* othello@unix1.circ.gwu.edu * *
***************************************************************************
> Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing
> about who might've designed the human body. The first one said, "It
> must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers
> and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."
> The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer.
> The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been
> designed by an electrical engineer." Then the third one said, "No, it
> was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line
> through a recreational area?"
>
--
*******************************************************************************
* Karen D. Ford * Let us live!! *
* ford@lachman.com * Let us love!! *
* * Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!! *
* * *
* 708-505-9555 x332 * You first. *
*******************************************************************************
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 23 23:36 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 17:35:05 EST
Reply-To: Dennis Worrell
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Dennis Worrell
Subject: flatulence (not really offensicve)
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Speaking of flatulence....
An elderly lady was having trouble with intestinal gas, so she decided
to see her doctor.
"Doctor", she said "this gas is drivin' me crazy. It doesn't smell, and it
doesn't make any noise, but it's annoying just the same".
The doctor nods in understanding, then takes out his prescription pad,
writes a prescription and hands it to the lady.
"But doctor" she protests, "aren't you even going to examine me?"
"That won't be necessary" he replies "just take this medication".
So the lady gets the prescription filled, and takes it for a few days, but
notices that the gas attacks are as bad as ever, EXCEPT NOW they really
SMELL BAD!
So she goes back to the doctor and explains the new problem. "Doctor", she
says, "that medicine you gave me didn't help my gas at all. It's still
so quiet you can't hear it, but it really STINKS now!"
The doctor nods, and reaches for his prescription pad again. Once again the
lady protests "But doctor, don't you want to examine me?"
Once again, he reassures her that it's not necessary to examine her, and
hands her a new prescription to be filled.
"Okay", she said reluctantly, taking the prescription from the doctor. "By
the way, what are these medicines you're prescribing?"
"Well", he said, "the first one was for your SINUSES, and this one's for
your HEARING!"
Oh well...
--
dworrell@freenet.tlh.fl.us (h) Dennis E. Worrell
dew@sam.mail.ufl.edu (w) Post Office Box 7342
904/656-8782 (h) Tallahassee FL 32314-7342
904/488-0210 (w)
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:@EARN.CVUT.CZ:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 04:55 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 22:25:15 EST
Reply-To: "Genie logiciel I/Syst.inf.repartis"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Genie logiciel I/Syst.inf.repartis"
Subject: Re: a silly (G) rated joke
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
>
> Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
>
Because it would be quite hard to fly under it. :-)
Patrick Tousignant
sun156@ift.ulaval.ca
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 20:42 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1993 09:45:01 MST
Reply-To: APUCORLE@IDBSU.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From: Phil Corless
Subject: Squaws (PG)
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Q: What do you call two squaws holding hands?
A: Lesbiandians.
+========================+=====================================+
| Phil Corless | Bitnet: APUCORLE@IDBSU |
| Boise State University | Internet: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU |
+========================+=====================================+
| If you can do something about it, why worry? |
| If you can't do something about it, why worry? |
| - Old Indian Proverb |
+==============================================================+
| 18 months 'til G-Day! |
+==============================================================+
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 20:55 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1993 12:09:18 EST
Reply-To: "Genie logiciel I/Syst.inf.repartis"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Genie logiciel I/Syst.inf.repartis"
Subject: More funny error message
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Hi everybody,
After posting the initial message about the funniest error message
a friend of mine told me that he once got this error:
TOO BAD ERROR
Patrick Tousignant
sun156@ift.ulaval.ca
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 22:06 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1993 12:51:18 EST
Reply-To: "Ryan J. McMillen"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Ryan J. McMillen"
Subject: BEST JOKE EVER
Comments: To: HUMOR%UGA.BITNET@BROWNVM.brown.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Q. Who lives in the abandoned convent?
A. None.
Donations for this joke will be accepted. I expect this joke will
revolutionize humor as we know it. In a few months I'm coming out with a line
of children's toys with an abandoned convent theme. A Saturday morning
cartoon is in the works. Enjoy the joke, but use it quickly before it becomes
cliche. Thank you and good night. There is also a coffee table book full of
color photographs of the abandoned convent where I made this joke up. The
convent is in Middletown, CT, so if any of you have been there, you'll know
what I mean. Peace.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 22:12 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1993 13:07:08 -0500
Reply-To: King Rhoton
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: King Rhoton
Subject: Re: Funniest error message
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Novell favorite:
During a Netware 3.11 install, two dialogs on screen simultaneously (and
neither message clearly on top):
"Press to abort" and "Press to continue"
Co-worker: "What'cha gonna do?"
I: "I imagine I'm going to hit ...."
King Rhoton king@acpub.duke.edu
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Nov 24 23:28 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1993 15:30:17 EST
Reply-To: Fran D'Amico
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Fran D'Amico
Subject: Aging (may offnd)
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
This couple was getting ready to go to bed and when the husband came
in from the bathroom his wife was rubbing this cream all over her tits.
He said "what the hell are you doing". She said she was unhappy about the
size of her breasts and this cream was supposed to make them larger. "But
it really doesn't seem to be working" she said. The husband said "wait a
minute I have an idea". So he went into the bathroom and came back with
a roll of toilet paper and started rubbing it all over her tits. She
said "what are you doing"? He said "well, I figured you have been wiping
your ass with this for years and look how big it has gotten"!
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 25 03:04 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1993 18:02:44 PST
Reply-To: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was
Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.4 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Jun 88
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Sorry to change the subject a little, but this priceless
little anecdote occurred while I was working for a hardware
store while in college.
I'm standing behind the counter, wearing my little scratchy
polyester uniform shirt, and this big huge guy walks up to
me carrying two rolls of shelf paper and says "Is this going
to be enough to cover my shelves?"
I stare at him for a moment, and then say "Well, that depends
how long your shelves are." Silence. "How long are your shelves?"
"Oh," he says, "Three feet each."
Silence.
"Ok," I say, "How many shelves do you have?"
"Four per cabinet."
Again silence.
"Allright, I'll bite," I say in raw disbelief, "How many cabinets,
indeed, do you have?" (I fully expected to hear "Three per room.")
"Two."
"Fine, so it sounds like you have two cabinets with four shelves
each that are three feet long."
"Yeah?"
"So that sounds to me like 2 * 4 * 3."
"Yeah?"
"That's 24."
"Yeah?"
"Those rolls are ten feet each."
"Yeah?"
This time, _I_ went silent.
Long pause..................
Then, with a look of pure enlightenment generally displayed
only by Zen masters: "I think I better get another roll."
"There is a God." I thought.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 25 02:14 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1993 20:13:00 EST
Reply-To: "Musat, Bob" <@IBM4381.ONET.EDU:bmusat@oscs>
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Musat, Bob" <@IBM4381.ONET.EDU:bmusat@oscs>
Subject: The Mulla Kyle gives a lesson in modern technology [G]
Comments: To: humour list
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
This series of stories does not presume to be anything remotely resembling
an allusion to the fact that my son, Kyle, might be as sage as the Mulla
Nasrudin, yet i think these are tales which need to be told. If you should
ever happen to meet him, please tell him that you know of him through the
writings of his early-lifetime experiences. - oxo
The Mulla brings his powers of observation to bear on a lawyer
I have had a computer at home since before the Mulla was born. He had seen
me operate my disk drive, but I never actually let him touch it.
When he was all of about 20 months, I was terminated from a job for medical
absences, which is illegal in Ohio. Seeking the services and advice of a
lawyer, I took the Mulla Kyle with me to the meeting because I had no other
choice for childcare.
He was still in his fuzzy jammies (the kind with the feet in them) because
we had gotten up much too early for him, and I let him sleep in the car on
the way. Now, however, we were in the lawyer's SMALL office and he was
awake, just a tad cranky, and fidgety. (Sounds like a law firm unto itself,
doesn't it? 'Awake, Cranky and Fidgety')
I was trying to get him to sit in the chair next to mine in the lawyer's
office. The lawyer wanted to appear magnanimous, I'm sure, and said, "Oh,
that's OK. He can wander around." I figured that as long as the door was
shut and the lawyer didn't mind, it was fine with me, too.
As we two adults were chatting back and forth about legal matters, Kyle
toddled around behind the lawyer's desk, eyeing the man's IBM PC. As I
watched out of the corner of my eye, Kyle unlocked the disk drive of the
computer, pulled out the boot disk and began looking it over.
Hearing the loud 'CLICK!', the lawyer spun around in his chair and cried
out: "Oh, no! We just GOT these things, and I don't even know how to USE
it, yet!" Calmly, and with great confidence I merely said, "Kyle, please
put the disk back in the disk drive." Without so much as a second thought,
Kyle correctly slipped the disk in the drive and relocked it.
I must admit, though, since then, Kyle has been the death of my drive at
home! :)
be seeing you,
oxo
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 25 10:36 MET 1993
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Date: Thu, 25 Nov 1993 11:12:45 TUR
Reply-To: Turkiye-Internet Tartisma Listesi INET-TR
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was AKGUL@TRBILUN
Comments: Resent-From: Atilla OZERDIM
Comments: Originally-From: Mustafa Akgul
From: Atilla OZERDIM
Subject: ABC of UNIX
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Hi,
Here is something that UNIX lovers might like.
Enjoy,
Atilla Ozerdim
----------------------------Original message----------------------------
THE ABC'S OF UNIX
A is for Awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for Biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for CC, as hackers recall, while
D is for DD, the command that does all.
E is for Emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for Fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for Grep, a clever detective, while
H is for Halt, which may seem defective.
I is for Indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for Join, which nobody uses.
K is for Kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for Lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for More, from which Less was begot, and
N is for Nice, which it really is not.
O is for Od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for Passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for Quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for Ranlib, for sorting ar [sic] table.
S is for Spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for True, which does very little.
U is for Uniq, which is used after Sort, and
V is for Vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for Whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for Yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for Zcat, which handles compression.
------------ Forwarded Message ends here ------------
...- ...- ...- .-- -... -.... .- - .--- -..-. .-- ...-
Andre' V. Thomas andre@boombox.micro.umn.edu
Computer & Information Services (612) 625 - 1300
University of Minnesota
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Nov 25 14:00 MET 1993
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Date: Thu, 25 Nov 1993 12:34:16 +0000
Reply-To: U.B.R.ICIM@REA2101.WINS.ICL.CO.UK
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Prasanna Bhalerao
Subject: EEL (Very offensive and sex explicit)
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
HOW TO KILL AN EEL
A young lad once asked his mom what courtship/romance and all that fuss was all
about. The flustered mom not able to give a straight answer asked the eight-year
old to hide behind the curtain and watch his elder sister and her boyfriend
while they courted. So this is what the young and innocent reported back next
morning.
"Mom, I just hid behind the curtain as you told me to. After some time sis and
her boyfriend arrived. They sat down on the sofa and kept talking and giggling
for some time. Afterwards they started to hug and kiss each other. But all this
activity made sis a bit sick I think, for she was feeling short of breath and
said that she was quite hot. I think her boyfriend was alarmed and immediately
tried to feel her heart. He was quite an amateur doctor as he couldn't locate
her heart for quite some time. I know this because our doctor has no trouble at
all. Anyway his hands were all over her chest."
"He made her sleep on the sofa and was on top of her. But instead of feeling her
pulse and heartbeat, he put his head deep into sis's chest. I could not see what
he was doing but he was making a lot of gobbling sounds. Sis was not feeling any
better was squirming around. Her moans and panting became louder too. By this
time her boyfriend became quite agitated too and soon I found out why. An eel
had somehow got into his pants and was troubling him. He opened his fly and out
tumbled the eel. It was at least ten inches long, honest mommy!"
"Sis too, was terrified to see the eel for her eyes opened wide and said that it
was the biggest she had seen. I think her sickness made her a bit paranoid
because I know eels much bigger down the river side. I think I shall take her to
see those one day."
"Sis decided to kill the eel by biting its head off. But the eel gave her a good
fight. I think the eel bit her tongue because with a sqeek sis jumped off. But I
think sis won in the end as the eel became a bit limp. Both sis and her
boyfriend were quite tired after the fight and sis now lay exhausted into her
boyfriend's arms. But soon the boyfriend started to cuddle her all over and sis
started to feel sick again. And lo! The eel was not dead after all! It jumped
back to life again"
"This time sis's boyfriend put a skin around it to prevent it from biting. Sis
decided to strangle it by getting a scissor lock around it with her thighs. Her
boy friend lay down this time and sis got the eel between her thighs. She
started to crush it by going up and down on the eel. After a good thirty minute
battle I think she managed to kill it. I know because the eel became very wobbly
and limp now. Her boyfriend removed its skin and pushed the eel back into his
trousers. After a while he kissed sis goodbye and left"
"So mom, now I know how to kill an eel but then still what is romance all
about?"
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 29 08:39 MET 1993
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Date: Sun, 28 Nov 1993 10:07:58 EST
Reply-To: HUE@USCN.bitnet
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Tommy Hughes
Subject: Going fishing with the Pope
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a
large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentially
dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat,
walked across the watr to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat.
The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had
enjoyed fishing with the Pope.
"It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Nov 29 08:58 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 26 Nov 1993 23:06:19 -0600
Reply-To: Ian Chai
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Ian Chai
Subject: Various things and communism
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Just before Custer went into Montana he stopped in Bismarck. He told
the people, "Don't do anything until I get back." They haven't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Quoted from Sacramento Bee:
Yakov Smirnoff on his communication with friends who came to America
before him:
"Before they left, we worked out a code that they would say the
opposite of what they meant in their letters," Smirnoff recalled.
"When they wrote that 'the streets are filthy and the people are
rude' we thought that they meant the people were friendly and the
streets were clean. Since they live in Cleveland, we later learned
they had forgotten the code."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between "Democracy" and "People's Democracy?"
Same as between a jacket and a strait-jacket!
What is the most beautiful thing in the world?
Communism - without the road that leads there.
What is the definition of a Communist?
Someone who has read the works of Marx and Lenin.
What is the definition of an anti-Communist?
Someone who understands the works of Marx and Lenin.
A world-famous Russian athlete defected to the US during a good-will
tour. He was asked why the Russians excelled in running. The athlete
answered:
"We use the border for the finish line."
A teacher asks his students in a Budapest school:
"Why do we love the Soviet Union?"
"Because," says a student, "it has liberated us!"
"And why do we hate America?"
"Because it has not!"
Why is the communist system superior to any other system?
Because it is able to cope with problems that do not exist in any
other system.
Why don't Russian workers oppose communism?
Beats working!
What are four things wrong with Soviet agriculture?
Spring, summer, fall and winter.
Soviet fast-food is vodka by the gulp.
Did you hear about the Russian Chinese restaurant? The food is
terrific but an hour after eating you are hungry for power.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young member of the German communist party went to his senior comrade
with a strange request: he wanted permission from the Party to emigrate
to West Germany. (It is only with the permission of the Party that
people are allowed to leave East Germany. Often it is ``granted'' as a
method of eliminating people with inappropriate attitudes.) ``For what
reasons could you possibly want to leave the Socialist paradise, young
comrade?'' ``Well, sir, I have a main reason, and a kind of side reason.
The side reason is this: I know our Party has established a paradise
here in the Democratic Republic, but the reason I want to leave is that
I am very afraid that is will not last.'' ``Don't worry, son! It will
last for ever.'' ``Well, good, sir: but that brings me to my main
reason....''
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"WILL THE LAST PERSON LEAVING EAST GERMANY PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A: A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs
meat today."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Deng Xiaoping tells Gorbachev that three demands must be met before
relations can improve. First, China wants 100 million tons of coal.
"Agreed," says Gorbachev. And 20 new ships. "Done," says Gorbachev.
And a million bicycles. "Impossible," says Gorbachev. "But why?"
asks Deng. "Because," says Gorbachev, "the Poles don't make bicycles."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 30 08:14 MET 1993
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Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1993 17:17:33 PST
Reply-To: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was
Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.5 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Jun 88 17
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
----------------------------------------------------
"Of course the US Constitution isn't perfect; but it's a lot better than
what we have now."
Then there is always the sign that I saw upon arriving in LA two years ago.
(hell of a road trip) The speed limit is posted as 55, but there is a sign
telling you that you should slow down to 60 for the next curve.
OJ: how many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
----------------------------------------------------
I heard this on our local radio station this morning. It was about how Johnny
Carson wrote his own monologue and busted through the picket lines to deliver it
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 30 21:05 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1993 11:06:40 -0500
Reply-To: "Amy L. Ward"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Amy L. Ward"
Subject: Christmas cheer
Comments: To: Humor
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
***************************************************************************
* Amy L. Ward * *
* Career Center * "My computer can beat me at chess, *
* The George Washington University * but it's no match for me at *
* cecalw@gwunix2.gwu.edu * kickboxing." -- Emo Phillips *
* othello@unix1.circ.gwu.edu * *
***************************************************************************
>
> BEST RUM CAKE EVER
>
> 1 or 2 quarts of rum brown sugar
> 1 c butter 1 tsp soda
> nuts 1 tsp sugar
> lemon juice baking powder
> 2 large eggs 1 c dried fruit
>
> Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality (good, isn't it?)
> Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.
> Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is
> of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and
> drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
>
> With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
> Add one seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure
> that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second
> quart, if necessary. Add 2 large eggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high.
> If druit gets tuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
> Sample the rum again, check for tonscisticity. Next, sift 3 cups
> pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which.) Sample the rum again.
> Sift 1/2 pint lemon joice. Fold in chipped
> butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or
> whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake
> pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the oven and bake.
> Check the rum again and go to bed.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 30 22:39 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1993 08:15:02 PST
Reply-To: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Sender: UGA Humor List
Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was
Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.5 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Jun 88 17
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
----------------------------------------------------
CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471
In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities,
and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities,
new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of
passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change
their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.
RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:
1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not
contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or
more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example:
HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.
2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position
as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ,
then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in
both passwords.
3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation
for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an
invalid password.
4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month.
Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid.
Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric
representation for the month of March.
5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a
password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT,
ME, or TO because these are all words.
6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which
are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or
diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is
an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each
other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally
adjacent to each other.
7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing.
Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.
Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is
actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the
selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed
to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password
from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 30 22:15 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1993 14:42:53 -0500
Reply-To: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA"
Subject: Francophobe (but absolutely true!)
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu@SNDZEH.dnet.sandoz.com
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
A French infantryman turned to a Swiss mercenary in the Napoleanic
war and exclaimed in disgust "You Swiss! You only fight for money.
We French fight for honour!"
"Ah," replied the Swiss mercenary sadly. "We both fight for what we
don't have."
Jeff fowler@sandoz.com (this is a favourite old joke around here)
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Tue Nov 30 21:43 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1993 17:04:30 GMT
Reply-To: Mike Ellwood
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Mike Ellwood
Subject: exhibitionists? (suggestive)
Comments: To: HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
The following was reported at a meeting here:
"Oracle and Ingres presented their tools in the Colloquium."
...but that's ok; it was in private, and police aren't pressing charges
:-)
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Dec 1 03:54 MET 1993
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Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1993 20:43:52 -0600
Reply-To: Wendell E Gragg
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Wendell E Gragg
Subject: Oldest Profession
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Three men were sitting around a table discussing the oldest profession.
The first, a doctor, claimed that the oldest profession was medicine
because the Bible mentioned that God created eve by removing a rib from
Adam. Since removal of a rib is a surgical procedure, and surgery is a
branch of medicine, then medicine is the oldest profession.
Not to be outdone, the second man, and engineer, stated that before the
creation of woman, the Bible states that God created the universe out of
chaos and disorder. Since making order out of disorder can be an
engineering function, then engineering must be the oldest profession.
The third man, a programmer, sat back in his chair with a smug look on his
face and said, "Just where do you guys think the disorder came from?!?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few definitions:
Floating Control - The skill you must master when you need to go to the
bathroom and can't leave the computer.
Floating Point - The absolute limit before floating control is lost.
Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the shortest route to the bathroom.
Hope you enjoy them,
Wendell E. Gragg
Modem to the Max
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Dec 1 15:49 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 07:21:00 EST
Reply-To: "G.BOCCANFUSO"
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From: "G.BOCCANFUSO"
Subject: Safe Hobbies
Comments: To: HUMOR
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Remember when sex was safe and mountain climbing dangerous.
George Boccanfuso
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Dec 1 19:00 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 10:08:22 -0500
Reply-To: Lee Bradley
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From: Lee Bradley
Subject: none. 1 naughty word
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
[French nuns are addressed as << soeur >>.
"Soeur" sounds a bit like "sir."]
A French nun was visiting England (hoping, I suppose, to visit the famous
abandoned convent). Getting off the ferry, she approached the first Brit
she saw and asked, "Pardon. Parlez-vous francais?" The Brit responded,
"Yes, soeur."
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black
and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun rolling down the hill in front of an abandoned convent.
A nun was in a NY taxi, coming from Kennedy Airport into the city, hoping,
I suppose, to visit the famous abandoned convent. Her taxi driver ran
into another cab, and the two drivers started bickering. "You, you think
you're so hot, so important; you don't pay attention to where you're
going. Just because you think you're a hot shot with that floozy of a nun
as a passenger." --"Ha! This floozy of a nun says for you to cram it up
your ass! . . . Ain't that right, sister?"
As the Mother Superior was making plans to close the convent that was to
be abandoned, she called in all the girls of the convent school - one at a
time - and inquired what their future career plans would be, hoping to
find enough young ladies willing to take the veil so that the convent
wouldn't have to be abandoned. "And, Margaret-Anne, what would YOU like
to be?" "I'd like to be a prostitute." "WHAT?" screamed the Mother
Superior, as the fainted. When two sisters put her back on her feet, one
remarked, "I know that Margaret-Anne's plans to become a prostitute are
enough to make anyone faint!" --"Oh," said the Mother Superior, "I
thought she said PROTESTANT."
lbradley@grits.valdosta.peachnet.edu
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Wed Dec 1 21:11 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 13:33:32 +0000
Reply-To: U.B.R.ICIM@REA2101.WINS.ICL.CO.UK
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From: Prasanna Bhalerao
Subject: Missed targets!
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
------------------------------ Start of body part 1
------------------------------ Start of body part 2
This is one of the old times.
------------
One day in India a great sage was performing his meditation under a mango
tree. So powerful was he that his aura lit the entire surroundings. While
he was deep in meditation a young urchin came nearby and happened to look
at the tree which was full of ripe mangoes. His mouth watered at the sight
but the mangoes were out of his reach. So he decided to bring some down
with stones.
He picked up one stone, aimed and let go. But as he missed the target he
swore out loud "Motherf'ker, missed!". Upon hearing such filthy words the
sage was rudely awakened from his penance. He saw the urchin but said
nothing and closed his eyes again. The urchin unaware of the sage picked
another stone and hurled it. He missed again and again he swore
"Motherf'ker, missed again!". This time the sage was angry and he warned
the boy "Son, don't speak such language. It's not good". But the boy didn't
pay any attention and went on with his activity. Having missed the target
again he swore back "Motherf'ker, missed again!". The sage was outraged and
he threatened "Hey boy! If you swear again I shall curse you and burn you
to death!".
But the boy was not put off and tried again to bring down some mangoes but
with no result. He swore yet again "Motherf'ker, missed again!". Now the
sage decided that he had issued enough warnings and outraged he said "You
young rascal, you pay no heed to the elders and what more you have a filthy
mouth. You don't deserve to live so I am going to curse you!" With that he
raised his staff to the heavens and uttered a terrible curse.
Suddenly there was a great disturbance in the clouds and it started
lightening. A powerful bolt hurled itself down the earth and struck the
sage dead. A big voice from the heavens said "Motherf'ker, missed again!".
---------------
Hope all of you liked this one.
Cheers,
Prasanna Bhalerao
u.b.r.icim@rea2101.wins.icl.co.uk
------------------------------ End of body part 2
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Dec 2 00:20 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 17:01:47 CST
Reply-To: Jason Cohen
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From: Jason Cohen
Subject: suprize ending...rated G, slightly racial
Comments: To: List serve address
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
A little boy was learning about G-d in his church, and he was talking
to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's
mind, sat him and and said:
"God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white." To which
the child responded,
"Well, then is God Micheal Jackson?"
| jcohen@wixer.bga.com |
| Austin, Tx, USA |
| ------ |
| Be Alert! The world |
| needs more lerts. |
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Dec 2 01:48 MET 1993
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 18:38:02 CST
Reply-To: Paul 'Bear' Crowson
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From: Paul 'Bear' Crowson
Subject: good! God/nun joke, not much abandoned convent
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
This man is having no luck whatsoever finding employment in New
York City. He decides maybe he'll have better luck in Washington, DC.
So he goes to Grand Central Station and with his remaining money,
buys a one way ticket. As he's waiting, he suffers a heart attack.
Three days later, he wakes up. He sees a nun standing at the end
of the bed, her having just arrived from the abadoned convent.
She tells him that he was brought to a Catholic hospital,
where they operated on him and saved his life. She says that the
hospital took the liberty of going through his belongings and,
frankly, they were a bit worried as to whether he would be able to
pay for the operation. He admits that this might be a problem.
He explains how he is unemployed and had just spent his last
few dollars on a train ticket. The nun asks, as she was wont to do
before the convent was abandoned, do you have any
well-to-do relatives that might be able to pay your hospital bills
for you? He replies that his only living relative is his sister,
an old spinster nun living in Philadelphia, who had lived at the
convent before it was abandoned, before she moved to Philly.
The nun becomes furious.
She says, "Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids, they are
married to GOD, especially the ones from the ABANDONED CONVENT!"
Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law.
Paul Crowson -- In Moo-Moo-Moosouri
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Dec 2 11:49 MET 1993
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Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 10:28:07 +0000
Reply-To: A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK
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From: Alun Richards
Subject: Abandoned convent stuff (clean)
Comments: To: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
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Status: RO
------------------------------ Start of body part 1
------------------------------ Start of body part 2
Heard about the Mother Superior (in the abandoned convent) who
threw Ajax all over the father? She was done for bleach of the
priest.
An abbot (from the apocrophal abandoned convent) who was new to
the town went downtown one night, to one of the seedier areas. A
prostitute approached him and asked "Fancy a quickie, father?
Only #15". This puzzled the abbot. As he walked the streets,
more ladies of the night approached him in this way, all asking if
he fancied a quickie for #15.
The next morning he visited the Mother Superior and asked:
"Mother Superior, what's a quickie?"
The reply came: "#15, just like in town."
------------------------------ End of body part 2
From snowhite@eskimo.com Fri Dec 3 03:28 MET 1993
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Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 18:25:20 -0800 (PST)
From: Linda White
Subject: seeking novelty items (fwd)
To: Jan Kucera
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Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
Status: RO
Honza -
This just came in on one of my lists. I thought you might get a
laugh out of it.
- L
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 17:18:57 -0600
Subject: seeking novelty items
Mental Floss.
Please don't squeeze the shaman.
At Exxon, we help Jesus walk on water...
God, protect me from your followers.
Warning: Due to a shortage of robots, workers here are human beings,
and may react unpredictably if abused.
I wasn't created in your image of God.
Extinction is bad for business.
Question authority.
Question reality.
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Thu Dec 2 19:29 MET 1993
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Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 13:26:38 EST
Reply-To: RiffRaff
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From: RiffRaff
Subject: Re: Life 3.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jun 88
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
In-Reply-To: Message of 12/02/93 at 09:03:06 from HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Status: RO
:) The bats were always at the top of my list of favorite Pogo
characters...
"I got four aces."
"I got five... all spades."
--Riff
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 3 04:58 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 14:55:06 GMT+10
Reply-To: Ken Price
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From: Ken Price
Subject: Unabandoned convent, Sara Pippelini.
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Before the convent was abandoned....
Mother Superior wished to interview all the trainee nuns who had decided not
to pursue the vocation. They lined up outside her office, and she called
them in one by one.
M.S.: "Well my child, why are you leaving our convent?"
First Nun: "I wish to become a nurse like Florence Nightingale and help the
sick and unwell"
M.S.: "A fine choice: go with my blessing"
M.S.: " And you, my child, why are you leaving us?"
Second Nun: "I wish to be a famous scientist like Marie Curie and discover
new facts to help mankind"
M.S.: "A splendid career, my child. Go with my blessing"
M.S.: "And you, my child? Why do you wish to leave us?"
Third Nun: "I wish to be a famous actress like Sara Pippelini"
M.S.: " An actress, oh that is indeed a fine career. But Sara
Pippelini? I don't believe I have heard of her"
Third Nun: "Oh Mother Superior, there is a story about her in todays
newspaper"
The Mother Superior pulled the newspaper out of her desk and opened it.
There on the front page was the headline:
"SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 400 MEN IN 14 DAYS"
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 3 14:02 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 07:59:00 EDT
Reply-To: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642"
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642"
Subject: May be offensive to mice and cats
Comments: To: HUMOR%UGA.BITNET@JHUVM.HCF.JHU.EDU
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
Question: What does a 300 pound mouse say?
Answer: Here kitty, kitty!
Sorry, like George Carlin, I just report them.
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 08:45:30 -0500
Reply-To: "Amy L. Ward"
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From: "Amy L. Ward"
Subject: Are you a real engineer? (fwd)
Comments: To: Humor
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
***************************************************************************
* Amy L. Ward * *
* Career Center * "My computer can beat me at chess, *
* The George Washington University * but it's no match for me at *
* cecalw@gwunix2.gwu.edu * kickboxing." -- Emo Phillips *
* othello@unix1.circ.gwu.edu * *
***************************************************************************
> Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.
>
> Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish;
> they just never remove it.
>
> Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta
> release schedule.
>
> Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but
> they lull their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.
>
> Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for
> Christmas, but use them more than he does.
>
> Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but
> to stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
>
> Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the
> interest of efficiency.
>
> Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles
> so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.
>
> Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box
> of Triscuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses
> at all times, in case they pull an all-nighter.
>
> Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.
>
> Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so
> she can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while
> programming.
>
> Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Vicoria's Secrest because
> they insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras
> before buying them.
>
> Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because
> its gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement
> tools in their science kits.
>
> Real Engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.
>
> Real Engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the
> same time.
>
> Real Engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape.
>
> Real Engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when
> doing counted cross stitch.
>
> Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on
> even during labor.
>
> Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up
> on biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking
> the PE exam.
>
> Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.
>
> Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box.
>
> Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor
> between contractions.
>
> Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide
> documentation on how to cut them!)
>
> Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; they'd like to,
> but they can't!
>
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 3 19:07 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 12:05:45 -0600
Reply-To: Ian Chai
Sender: UGA Humor List
From: Ian Chai
Subject: boxer, tape, irs
Comments: To: humor@uga.cc.uga.edu
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
----------------------------------------------------------------------
SOUTHAMPTON, England (AP) - Boxer Tony Wilson won his fight in three
rounds Thursday night after his mother climbed into the ring and hit his
opponent over the head with her stiletto shoe.
Opponent Steve McCarthy left the ring with blood seeping from a head
wound as security officers ushered Minna Wilson away.
When McCarthy refused to return, referee Adrian Morgan raised Wilson's
arms in victory, declaring that McCarthy had retired.
Uproar broke out among the 1,000 specators at the Guildhall in this
south English port, where the British light heavyweight title eliminator
fight between local boy McCarthy and Wilson was being staged.
The furious crowd kicked and punched Wilson before he escaped to a
dressing room, sheltered by his trainer and manager.
"The first thing I saw was my mum in the ring, and then eveything went
wild," said Wilson, from Wolverhampton, central England. "She has been
watching my fights for years and nothing like this has happened before."
Police reinforcements were sent. But no one was arrested, and no one
was reported injured.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Some years ago a friend of mine was taking a magnetic computer tape
through customs in Egypt. The customs staff on discovering the tape
started to unreel it onto the floor. When my friend asked what they
were looking for they told him that they were checking the film for
pornographic scenes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On a similar note: Many years ago (about 15), I used to work for the
Infernal Revenue Service (boo!). Every Friday, some friends and I
would gather in one one of the cafeterias and play our guitars during
our lunch break. And -- every Friday -- when I brought my guitar case
into the building, the guard would stop me and say, "What's in the
guitar case?" I would look at him like he was purple and say, "Why,
a guitar, of course!" And each week, he would tell me to open the
case and he would search the entire case (who knows what for!), includ-
ing the inside of the guitar. Well, one week, when he asked me,
"What's in the guitar case?", I said -- with a perfectly straight face
-- "A submachine gun." Did he search the case that time? NO! He
waved me on!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I once went through customs from the US into Canada carrying
a 2400' mag tape. The customs agent wasn't buying the $20
(or whatever) I told him it was worth (no duty on the value
of the DecSystem 20 operating system on the tape, but that's
another story). He got his calculator out and was figuring
the square footage of the tape so he could charge me the
going duty on mylar.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Fri Dec 3 18:10 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 17:08:21 +0100
Reply-To: sverrek@EDB.TIH.NO
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From: Sverre Klov
Subject: unsubrcribe....
Comments: To: humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
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Status: RO
It's been fun, but I can't be on this list any more...
Please unsubscribe me.
Unsub. joke...
English beer is like making love in a canoo.........
It's fuckin' close to water.
((tm) by Monty Python:))
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Dec 6 14:20 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 16:32:54 +0000
Reply-To: A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK
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From: Alun Richards
Subject: Blonde Checkout Girl
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To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
Status: RO
So there's this blonde checkout girl, and one of the items in
the customer's basket just won't scan. The supervisor comes
over and says "We'll enter it manually: you read out the bar
code & I'll type it in". So the checkout girl goes "err, OK:
Thick-line, Thick-line, Thin-line..."
From @vm.ics.muni.cs:owner-humor@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Mon Dec 6 15:14 MET 1993
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 19:45:42 EST
Reply-To: WEBSTER@USCN.bitnet
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From: Sim Webster